Dear Ms. Miller,
On June 1, you posted a most excellent and helpful piece in The Huffington Post’s Living section called “How to Date an Indian (Advice for the Non-Indian).” As someone whose bio states that she has “lived in Mumbai for three years,” and who is in a relationship with a man of Indian descent, you are especially well-qualified to advise the rest of the world on the best means to bag a brown man/woman. Or as you write, “my husband… is from New Delhi, which, in addition to providing me with lots of Indian friends and in-laws, have given me a pretty good perspective on the desirability of the people from the world’s largest democracy — and how to woo them.”
Thank you again for pointing out that we are the chosen ones. I tend to agree with you about our superior good looks and other redeeming qualities. As a brown woman myself, I wanted to personally testify as to the truth of your points. – Favorite actor. If you are pinched for time, you can simply claim SRK is your favorite and move on. Totally! I wear an amulet with SRK’s face on it around my neck. And every morning, my family prays to him at a makeshift altar I composed in our living room. SRK isn’t just a deity, he’s THE deity for Indians.
Finding a place that plays Bhangra music and going there together is sure to get you something straight from the Kama Sutra, especially if you exhibit the right dance moves, i.e. patting an imaginary dog while screwing in an imaginary light bulb. Okay, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but some of those bhangra moves are actually Kama Sutra moves and vice versa. So do yourself a favor and find a bhangra hall; it’s a major aphrodisiac to brown folks. A turn-on like no other, you’re entirely correct.
Indians love their food. I’m happy to share a dal recipe that is unbelievably tasty. (Really, it is called “Mrs. B’s Magic Dal.”) This is true, and probably the reason why I’m having so much trouble in my own dating life. You see, I really can’t cook and daal is like catnip to Indian men, So if you could please post this recipe in the next few days, I would be more than grateful.
Language. Indians love when you speak their language. .. I suggest you pick up a few and break them out at an appropriate time, probably somewhere well into the second date. You are absolutely, 100% on the money with this, Ms. Miller. Nothing gets a brown person more hot and bothered than a few well-chosen phrases in the mother tongue. I personally recommend, “Main ullu ke pati hoon,” a guaranteed win every time, always good for some Kama Sutra action.
Thanks again for enlightening the world about the habits of Indians. The next time a man comes up to me at a club and breaks out into the title dance in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, it’ll be all thanks to you.
Your #1 Fan,
PG
UPDATE: H/t to mutineers Sugi and Melissa.
Gawker’s take on the article and cthe comments follow.
Well, silly me. Looks like I brought the wrong Desi home. Can’t all live like Miss Miller. Perhaps I should put him on a plane bound for Delhi with a tag ( a la Paddington) marked return to sender…Nah. I don’t think I would last a minute in Miss Miller’s neo-colonial Noble White Woman’s world (gag ,cough). Plus I LIKE arguing in several languages, fighting over music (so I promised not to play Rai again and did, SO sue me)) and planning our very own Desi-Itailan version of that hilarious food commerial- in Italian since pasta has been losing to dal and korma. I think I’ll pass on Miss Miller. I’m not sure how much of her I could take before giving into the urge to strnagle her.
[Neha on June 3, 2010 7:12 PM · Direct link Snagging a brown desi man is easy. Just be white.
amirite?]
Neha, I want to be you when I grow up.
I posted a comment on huffpost early on but it looks like they never posted it.
I think it was nothing but a pandering piece of trash. Not offensive but laughable. She reminds me of those white people who come to indian weddings and go on and on about what an honor to witness our culture in an accent not that far from the white accents caricatured in a Wayans Bros movie. Thankfully, none of my white friends are like this woman.
I don’t understand the point of her column. It was neither satirical nor illuminating nor funny. It was just pure shit.
“How To Date A Brown Girl (black girl, white girl, or halfie)†by Junot Diaz — GREAT STORY
Indians in the USofA are so stupid. Get over yourselves man! People in India are sick of you confused lot jumping around to defend India and Indian culture at every supposed incident. The article was interesting and funny, very unlike your post phillygrrl.
On another note, i also hate that “Hindu activist” Rajan Zed, another American Idiot claiming to represent Hindu culture and he somehow has the authority to make one ridiculous statement after another on just about anything Indian.
You American Indians are worse than the fun fun fundamentalist we have in my country, at least the Indian fundies get agitated about real issues and not sulk and mope around like you coconuts on some dating advice from a gori lady or when some hot model dresses up like one of our Gods.
You also need to understand that we in India have moved on.. we are not anal like you lot, we don’t have to defend Indianess any where, we are a very confident people, very confident in being Indian.
Please ..PLEASE leave us Indians alone, be good Americans and not half assed Indians.
Why aint doing your own fucking thing then, instead of hanging around a desi-american blog?
@Bhayanak Indian – I think you make a very good point.
That article is as useless as the following I just thought of(of course mine is a lot more offensive, but no less useless as an informative guide):
How to date a white woman: 1) Keep telling her she is so special and beautiful everyday. Buy her flowers and keep telling her that you love her. Because only white women know the importance of words and gestures like that. The rest of the world is oblivious to such a charming practice. 2) Go down on her .. a lot. White women like that and demand that. And boy, will they reciprocate. 3) Be sure to watch Nora Ephron and Nancy Meyers movies with her even if you feel like killing yourself afterwards. That will excuse yourself when you want alone time for a few NFL Sundays. Resist the temptation to throw a rock at your TV when you see a Matthew Mcconaughey-Kate Hudson romcom movie. 4) But do not take the immense trouble to watch Sex and the City movies with her. Her friends will question your sexuality, even if for some miraculous reason, she does not. 5) White women like threesomes. So try to make sure she hangs out with only good looking women because you know those white women and their crazy adventures. How exotic of them to want to sleep with another women even if they are not lesbian.
Yes! Like assaulting women in taverns and burning SRK posters! Very noble indeed.
I don’t know you, but I’m guessing you’ve never lived in the US for an extended period of time and had to deal w/condescending firangi orientalists (usually women) who watch Bride and Prejudice and think they have ALL of India figured out. That sort of attitude is what’s being scorned here. I can understand you bristling at the level of contempt being expressed by some comments, but do try to pull you head out of your arse and accept that most non-native desis have be more desi than desi as well as more (in the case of the US) American than American in order to deal with glib stereotypes.
@Pravin – oh god, tmi!
These comments are hilarious!
from the article:
“Indians love their food. Probably more than they love dancing”
WOW! Now please pass me some fried chicken and that big ole slice of watermelon!
“we are not anal like you”
Yes Bhayanak…that’s why you got your panties in a bunch and had to write that long ass post at #56!? Not anal!
I’m of the “must read anglicized Hindi out loud to understand it” group, but muttering to myself in Hindi at work was worth it for the laugh (literally, doubled over in laughter).
Just to be a tad serious for a moment, all the efforts, such as talking in Hindi/Telugu/whatever or watching Bollycrap, go to waste if they are unwilling to learn how to pronounce my name.
And to go on a slight tangent, but not totally unrelated issue, ever meet a white pretentious lady who talks about sprituality, tantra, chakras, and such stuff only to see her butcher the pronunciations and concepts? And such women are usually the worst tippers and seem unhappy.
and now, for the very tongue-in-cheek rebuttal.
warning – lots of profanity and self-deprecating humor about us browns.
Funny to read this. Only yesterday, a good friend of mine and I were having exactly this debate. Both of us have been born and brought up in India (me in the South, he in Bihar) and have been here for a few years now. I did not find the article all that offensive and was wondering if thats me being Americanized or if the people commenting on the article needed to take it easy. He had the exact same reaction. No broad caricaturing of this form can ever cover everyone from India. There’s a good reason why it is called the subcontinent. That said, it seemed to cover a reasonable fraction (me in parts at least – especially the part about being most dateable ofcourse) of my friends circle at least and was a funny read. I have no idea why people think it is racist and get so upset like Phillygrrl here. Take a breather – and give her a break. She said what she thinks. It is funny in parts and cliched stereotyping in parts. But that’s fine .. by me at least!
I think the people who are telling people to chill out need to chill out. Making jokes at the expense of others is something humans call “fun”? Do you know the word “fun”?
Have you tried it?… its GREAT!
Making jokes at the expense of others is something humans call “fun”? Do you know the word “fun”?
Good point. I like humour myself, but not jokes.
Does it rhyme with craven? Seriously, Pruh veen, it sounds like your doshas are out of balance. What’s with all the white lady hatred?
This is a pretty hilarious response:
http://www.theawl.com/2010/06/how-to-date-a-white-bitch-advice-for-the-non-white-dude#
I find the article in the same vein as the movie, Under the Tuscan Sun., The book was bad enough- I kept it for the recipes and a sense of nostalgia but I almost threw a shoe at the TV screen when we started watching the movie. The exoticism/back drop for a medicinal romp treatment of my region made me want to overcook the spaghetti and choke the director and producer with it. Bleah. We spot-checked the film to make sure we weren’t missing the point or had underestimated it. Nope. Minutes 40, 52 and 90 were just as bad if not worse.
You know, those who bash the bashers. Some of us would have not minded if she actually made a satirical piece on dating Indians. We can take humor. What I cannot stand is pandering. But you know what. I welcome all the white woman exotification of the Indian. Whatever gets me laid is fine by me. We need more white women to be like this writer and all dating problems are solved. If all it takes is some bhangra or some inane bollywood movie to get them in the sack, sign me up.
I don’t think most of us are offended by her portrayal of Indian culture. We just find it pitiful and feel sorry for the white lady. So eager to spread her discovery of “Indian” culture.
Oh, also, someone beat me to the “you’re white. that’s bonus enough” in response to some of the requirements for a woman to have to please an Indian man.
A Little Art I Let Out
A Jewish friend of mine remarked once, only half joking, that he believed Queer South Asians are the true Chosen People. With no offense to Moses, I had to agree. I lived in India for about three years and my partner (currently known as my Hershey, thanks to her appropriating the South Indian kisses she “gave me,” — but that is another column) is from Kerala, which, in addition to providing me with lots of Queer South Asian friends and in-laws, have given me a pretty good perspective on the desirability of the people from the world’s largest democracy — and how to woo them.
Before getting to “how,” let’s start with “why.” There are obvious reasons one would want to date a Queer South Asian, such as how successful and professionally desirable they are. Queer South Asians dominate as activists, nurses, aclu lawyers, anti-capitalists and artists. They make up a large proportion of our graduate students — just walk around the campuses of UCLA, NYU or UC Berkeley and you will see these incredibly attractive brown people all over the place. Which leads to point number two. Queer South Asian people tend to be really good looking. According to Wikipedia…actually, let me not quote something from Wikipedia. Most Queer South Asians are innately gracious, social creatures; they highly value friends and family and have a calendar filled with various holidays and occasions to celebrate, which they typically don’t go to because they are not wanted there. So, those endless jubilant dance numbers in Bollywood movies pretty much tear at the Queer South Asian soul. However, Queer South Asians love to dance. If for no other reason other than you want someone to dance with you (or without you for that matter), date a Queer South Asian.
Ok, now that the stock for single Queer South Asians is up, you need to be on your game if you want to date one. If you are a Queer South Asian, you can skip the rest of this post and spend the next four minutes savoring your desirability. If you are not a Queer South Asian, keep reading to learn seven things that should ingratiate you with them (there are more than 7, but I am on a word count). The first five have to do with Bollywood. Queer South Asians either take Bollywood and their celebrities very seriously or didn’t grow up with any Bollywood at all.
SRK. Two things you need to know about these initials. One, SRK is short hand for Shahrukh Khan, one of India’s premiere Bollywood celebrities. Two, while everyone in the world should know who he is, one doesn’t need to have an opinion about him. He is a just a figure, don’t get caught up in the hype. South Asians either love him or hate him while Queer South Asians have better things to do with their time.
Favorite actor. If you are pinched for time, you can simply claim SRK is your favorite, but this will cause some stares, as SRK is by far, not comparable to someone like Don Cheadle. But, if you want to take some initiative, I highly recommend you familiarize yourself with some actors and choose a favorite. Some safe, attractive possibilities: Salman Khan, Imran Khan, Shahid Kapoor and yes, Kal Penn counts because he uses his roles to be subversive -and if being smart is not sexy, I don’t know what is. (Furthermore, Kal Penn, for the years I have followed his career and his roots, has always had his heart invested for creating a better world… so fuck you if you think that Kal Penn doesn’t count.)
Favorite actress. See above. You don’t need to have a favorite. You could claim that it is Aishwarya Rai, who is familiar to most Americans, although you will then be suspect as Aishwarya, while extremely beautiful and successful, is a pain in the neck – most people don’t understand how hard it is to be at the top of your game and the responsibilites and the stretching of time you have to do in order to accommodate family and your career. She has a reputation for being a major diva, but Queer South Asians have room and love Divas. Other great options: Nandita Das, Shabana Azmi, Madhuri Dixit and of course, Rekha.
Favorite Hindi movie. It should be obvious by now that you also don’t need to have a favorite Hindi movie. If you bust out something like, “Yea, I loved Kuch Kuch Hota Hai,” you are very likely to get a “I think the whole word saw that movie, including Alaskans†look. If not something straight out of the Kama Sutra – Uh, sorry, I don’t know what I meant by that sentence. Let’s move on… One strong recommendation: “3 Idiots”. It’s a newish film with crossover appeal. I would also suggest, Chitney Popcorn, My brother Nikhil, Earth, Water, Fire. Of course, major bonus points, because Queer South Asians are out in the streets everyday putting their lives and energy on the line, is if you suggest renting a movie to watch it on the couch together. Most major cities have theaters that screen Bollywood films, but you will get stared at if you walk into the movie looking Queer or holding onto your partner’s hand.
Bhangra. Bhangra is the percussion-heavy music that is featured in most Bollywood films. It has an irresistible beat that will motivate even the most dance-phobic types to hit the floor. However, showing an appreciation for all different music will score you points. Finding a place that plays Bhangra music, mixed in with Hip Hop, Salsa, Merengue and Afro Beat is sure to get you something queerly from the Kama Sutra, especially if you exhibit the right dance moves, i.e. slapping an imaginary ass while someone’s behind you screwing in their imaginary light bulb. If you are in NY, I suggest rooms that are spun by Dj Rekha (NY) and DJ Anjali (Portland).
Food. Queer South Asians love their food. Probably more than they love dancing. But what person of color doesn’t? Unless you are willing to take some serious initiative in the kitchen, plan to go out for a Queer South Asian meal (this usually is at someone’s house and is a potluck – and lemme tell you, Queer South Asians know how to one-up straight folks masala wise. Although this can be tricky, many Queer South Asians would agree that it is often tough to find a good Queer – Friendly South Asian restaurant, even in major cities. If you want to be adventurous and score some points, I suggest you take your Queer South Asian date to a close-minded homophobic South Asian restaurant and role-play heterosexuals. Enjoy your meal in peace and then kiss your friend passionately after gulab jamun. You can always try cooking him/her a few Queer South Asian dishes, one of which will be an alcoholic beverage of a straight shot of whiskey. You can get the basic spices in most grocery stores, but you might need to ask for your date’s special stash of curry powder which she/he/they stole from their homophobic mother. I’m happy to share a dal recipe that is unbelievably tasty, but really, it would take an idiot to fuck up some dal.
Language. Queer South Asians love when you speak their language.(Note: there are hundreds of languages spoken in India. Aside from English, Hindi is the most prevalent ONLY in the North, so not all Queer South Asians speak Hindi so you will have to determine his/her native tongue so as to not annoy a Queer South Indian with your Rosetta Stone education of Hindi.) Most importantly, I am talking about being educated in the language and understanding some key words or phrases: transgender, patriarchy, social justice, art for social change. Before we got together, my partner was greatly amused by my reciting various things in Malayalam to her. I got a tourist book and told her among other things, that I was missing my harness. Now there are several iPhone apps that will give you translations. I suggest you pick up a few and break them out at an appropriate time, probably somewhere well into the second hour – yes, queers pick up quick. You don’t want your date to know that if things go south, you will resort to stalking. Cuz that’s what usually happens…
Good luck and let me know how these suggestions work out. I hope Saraswathi, goddess of knowledge, Allah, Buddha and the other South Asian Queer Gods smile on you as you endeavor to date one of their people.
Oh yea, I almost forgot to mention: one more big bonus when it comes to dating an Queer South Asian: communication with cabbies. Think I’m kidding? New Yorkers: Just imagine if you could stop a taxi during the 4pm transition time and your date could say, in Hindi, “Hey brother, will you please take us to Spring and 6th, and then proceeded to tell the cabbie about the Taxi Worker’s Alliance?” You’d find your own God did indeed smile upon you, because you were dating someone who was changing the world, even on the way to fucking you.
I hate Andrea Miller’s article as much as anyone and I love all the rebuttals, but I have to say, “How to Date a White Bitch” makes me uncomfortable. Let’s not fight racism with sexism, even if it is against the most privileged women, eh?
That’s the point, innit? It’s satire. The parody is a bit off because Andrea Miller’s racism employs “positive” stereotypes while Neel Shah’s [fake] racism employs negative stereotypes, and not without a large dose of vitriol.
I read the “HOw to date a white beeyatch” piece. And to think I actually toned down my earlier comment which dealt with similar material. Heh.
Nice work, D’Lo.
Most white women will date or marry only light skinned Indian men…Punjabi, Kashmiri or Himachal. Very rarely would you see a dark skinned Indian man with a white woman!