Dear Ms. Miller,
On June 1, you posted a most excellent and helpful piece in The Huffington Post’s Living section called “How to Date an Indian (Advice for the Non-Indian).” As someone whose bio states that she has “lived in Mumbai for three years,” and who is in a relationship with a man of Indian descent, you are especially well-qualified to advise the rest of the world on the best means to bag a brown man/woman. Or as you write, “my husband… is from New Delhi, which, in addition to providing me with lots of Indian friends and in-laws, have given me a pretty good perspective on the desirability of the people from the world’s largest democracy — and how to woo them.”
Thank you again for pointing out that we are the chosen ones. I tend to agree with you about our superior good looks and other redeeming qualities. As a brown woman myself, I wanted to personally testify as to the truth of your points. – Favorite actor. If you are pinched for time, you can simply claim SRK is your favorite and move on. Totally! I wear an amulet with SRK’s face on it around my neck. And every morning, my family prays to him at a makeshift altar I composed in our living room. SRK isn’t just a deity, he’s THE deity for Indians.
Finding a place that plays Bhangra music and going there together is sure to get you something straight from the Kama Sutra, especially if you exhibit the right dance moves, i.e. patting an imaginary dog while screwing in an imaginary light bulb. Okay, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but some of those bhangra moves are actually Kama Sutra moves and vice versa. So do yourself a favor and find a bhangra hall; it’s a major aphrodisiac to brown folks. A turn-on like no other, you’re entirely correct.
Indians love their food. I’m happy to share a dal recipe that is unbelievably tasty. (Really, it is called “Mrs. B’s Magic Dal.”) This is true, and probably the reason why I’m having so much trouble in my own dating life. You see, I really can’t cook and daal is like catnip to Indian men, So if you could please post this recipe in the next few days, I would be more than grateful.
Language. Indians love when you speak their language. .. I suggest you pick up a few and break them out at an appropriate time, probably somewhere well into the second date. You are absolutely, 100% on the money with this, Ms. Miller. Nothing gets a brown person more hot and bothered than a few well-chosen phrases in the mother tongue. I personally recommend, “Main ullu ke pati hoon,” a guaranteed win every time, always good for some Kama Sutra action.
Thanks again for enlightening the world about the habits of Indians. The next time a man comes up to me at a club and breaks out into the title dance in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, it’ll be all thanks to you.
Your #1 Fan,
UPDATE: H/t to mutineers Sugi and Melissa.