Category Archives: News

The Great Brown Hope

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vikash.jpg I don’t know about you, but my attention next month will turn to Germany, host of this year’s football – yeah, yeah, soccer – World Cup. The 32-team tournament kicks off June 9 with Germany vs. Costa Rica; the final is a month later. To succeed Brazil as world champions, the bookies favor the Brazilians themselves, at 9/4. Argentina and Germany follow at 7/1. Asia’s four entries get little respect: Japan and Korea are at 150/1, Iran at 250/1, and should Saudi Arabia win it all, you’d pocket 500 times your bet.

Oh. You were looking for a desi angle?

Well, there barely is one – no thanks to the South Asian teams, which lived down to their reputation as doormats in the Asia qualifying rounds. India got a 6-0 spanking from Japan and lost 5-1 to Oman. At least it had one win, against Singapore; the same cannot be said of Sri Lanka or the Maldives, which finished last in their groups. Pakistan didn’t even make the group stage, falling by a total 6-0 in a playoff against Kyrgyzstan.

Yet despite this abysmal performance, you can be sure that TV screens across South Asia will be bursting with football. And fans seeking a tiny taste of sepia glory will be rooting at least in part for France, which fields the competitionÂ’s only desi. Standing a mighty 5Â’6” and weighing in at 140 lbs., midfielder Vikash Dhorasoo is our Great Brown Hope. Continue reading →

And thanks for all the fish

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We Sepiaites recently had a facial hair contest down in the North Dakota bunker in honor of our one-year-and nine-month anniversary. Ennis and Amardeep went all uncley (‘you young pups’) and were excluded for obvious reasons. The womyn were granted compassionate dispensation. Vinod dropped out early, muttering something about ‘Malayalee genetics’ and ‘evolution into hairless geniuses.’ The rest of us sported five o’clock shadows by eight o’clock in the morning.

Siddhartha broke down under the strain of the face-off and admitted to having his back waxed this one night in Tijuana. Neha looked ready to leap in with war stories, but something in Anna’s look said ‘unh-unh, don’t go there, girlfriend.’ The legend of Cooch Behar is apparently not, repeat not about royalty.

Finally it was down to Sajit, Abhi, Fofatlal and me. Sajit flexed his square jaw thoughtfully and instantly sprouted whiskers. Abhi downed some freeze-dried astronaut food and grew a Mangal Pandey before our very eyes. Fofatlal misheard the goal of the contest. He had his eyebrows singed off with incense and honey and pranced around yodeling ‘Ya-hoo!’ like Shammi Kapoor.

I, having out-hirsuted the Greeks, out-grown the Sicilians, out-whiskered the Iranis, was now faced with my own private I-da-ho’: geek stubble from the Punjab was beaten by astronaut stubble from Houston. Abhi once bragged:

I haven’t met a person alive that has more lethal stubble than I. Any girl I might date would have friends thinking I was abusing her because her face would be left raw.
· · · · ·

Unable to bear the shame, I went down to the SMU, passed out some endangered bananas and whispered a stoic farewell to my fine-furred friends. And then left the bunker for the last time, the pneumatic doors closing in the distance. Unlike Star Trek, they don’t say ‘shhhhhhhh’ when they close, they say ‘Desi please!’ with sass in the neck and quiver in the booty. Goddamn back-talkin’ bunker doors.

Continue reading →

Brown Authors, Bloggers and Readers…What More Do You Need?

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All right, stop whatcha doin’, ’cause I’m about to ruin the image and the style that ya used to.

New York City-area Mutineers (and all those green-tinged brown people who, like me, wish that they were): cancel your weekend plans. These are better, I PROMISE.

The South Asian Woman’s Creative Collective is sponsoring some temporary nirvana this Friday through Sunday, as they present M I X E D M E S S A G E S, a sepia-colored festivus for the literary-minded rest of us at Marymount Manhattan College. It’s their fourth conference, so you know it’s going to be as smoove as I am when slightly tipsy.

A three-day series of readings, panels and workshops, “Mixed Messages” will explore non-mainstream genres, highlight writers who use new media, and focus on writing communities. [SAWCC]

Not one, but TWO Mutineers will be there: Amardeep is moderating Friday night’s reception and I’m speaking on a panel on Sunday afternoon. Details for both of those chunks o’ heaven are below, the entire schedule (which I demand you peruse, because it’s THAT hot) is available here.

Friday, May 19: Kick-Off Reading and Reception 7PM, $15
Amitav Ghosh (Incendiary Circumstances, Houghton Mifflin, 2006)
Vijay Seshadri (The Long Meadow: Poems, Graywolf Press, 2005)
Sara Suleri Goodyear (Boys Will Be Boys: A Daughter’s Elegy, University of Chicago Press, 2003)
Moderated by Amardeep Singh (Assistant Professor of English at Lehigh University)
Sunday, May 21: 3PM-5PM, FREE Panel Discussion: Mixed Messages: South Asian Literature and New Media
Anna John (SepiaMutiny)
Ravi Shankar (editor of DrunkenBoat.com)
Yesha Naik (podcaster and performer)
Ram Devineni (filmmaker and publisher of Rattapallax Press)
Amitava Kumar (Husband of a Fanatic, New Press, 2005) (moderator)

For you bargain-minded desis who noticed the wee $15 cost for Amardeep’s sure-to-be fantastic event– just know that breakfast on both Saturday and Sunday are free, as are most of the other activities during the day. Que bueno el deal-o, as the President would not say.

I just feel sorry for our rock star of a guest blogger Neha; the poet whom she profiled here, Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha, is part of Sunday night’s showcase of brown female writers, so I’m sure she wishes she could attend. I could go on and on and tell you more tantalizing tidbits, like how long-time mutineer Pooja Makhijani helped put this phenomenal weekend together AND is a part of the first panel on Saturday (South Asian Youth Lit), but I don’t want to rub it in for those of you who can’t go. We’ll take plenty of pictures for you, how’s that? Not good enough? Um…well, this is awkward. May I suggest an eleventh hour road trip? Even with painful gas prices, it would be totally worth it and really, how many things can you say THAT about these days? Continue reading →

The Buddha is my Om boy

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As some of you may know, today is the day that many across the world celebrate the birthday of Lord Buddha:

Buddha Poornima, which falls on the full moon night in the month of Vaisakha (either in April or May), commemorates the birth anniversary of Lord Buddha, founder of Buddhism, one of the oldest religions in the world. Notwithstanding the summer heat (the temperature routinely touches 45 degrees C), pilgrims come from all over the world to Bodh Gaya to attend the Buddha Poornima celebrations. [Link]

Sarnath seems to have been rocking on Saturday:

Click for a larger (more enlightening) picture

Sarnath — the site where Buddha ignited the light of knowledge among five disciples centuries ago was this evening bedecked with 20,000 diyas (earthen lamps).

Marking the 2550th Great Parinirvan of Buddha, this festival of lights started off at 1840 hrs today evening in the lines of Dev Deepawali — the evening when all 84 Ganga ghats of Varanasi are decorated with diyas.

While Dev Deepawali is held every year to mark the Hindu festival of Kartik Purnima, this evening’s twinkling delight coincided with Buddha Purnima at the world famous Buddhist pilgrimage of Sarnath. [Link]

Over 2500 years after the Buddha walked the Earth there is still proof all around us of his tremendous influence and teachings. As a matter of fact I am here to tell you that those Ipods which many of you cling to so dearly (I have never owned one) are like so passé. The hottest trend to hit the streets is the divinely inspired (and powered??) Buddha Machine:

The controls are simple: There’s a volume dial on top that doubles as an on and off switch, which is next to a headphone jack and a power adaptor input (the Buddha Machine also runs on two AA batteries). A red LED on the side indicates whether the box is on, and an adjacent two-way switch allows users to flip between recorded loops. It’s available in six different colors, but you don’t get to choose – they ship randomly to mail orders from online sites such as forcedexposure.com.

So what the hell do you use this thing for?… [Link]

Good question young one, but the answers that you seek in life don’t always come simply because you demand to know them.

Continue reading →

They tapped my cell and the phone in the basement

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As most of you surely know, USA TODAY broke the story yesterday that the National Security Agency (NSA) has been sifting through all of our phone records in order to see if they can establish “patterns” of terrorist activity. This post serves as a follow-up to my post last December.

The National Security Agency has been secretly collecting the phone call records of tens of millions of Americans, using data provided by AT&T, Verizon and BellSouth, people with direct knowledge of the arrangement told USA TODAY.

The NSA program reaches into homes and businesses across the nation by amassing information about the calls of ordinary Americans — most of whom aren’t suspected of any crime. This program does not involve the NSA listening to or recording conversations. But the spy agency is using the data to analyze calling patterns in an effort to detect terrorist activity, sources said in separate interviews…

“It’s the largest database ever assembled in the world,” said one person, who, like the others who agreed to talk about the NSA’s activities, declined to be identified by name or affiliation. The agency’s goal is “to create a database of every call ever made” within the nation’s borders, this person added. [Link]

The ACLU, which defends our civil liberties, was not happy:

“Both the attorney general and the president have lied to the American people about the scope and nature of the NSA’s program,” said Anthony D. Romero, executive director of the American Civil Liberties Union. “It’s clearly not focused on international calls and clearly not just focused on terrorists. . . . It’s like adding more hay on the haystack to find that one needle.” [Link]

Oh, and by the way, did you guys know:

One government lawyer who has participated in negotiations with telecommunications providers said the Bush administration has argued that a company can turn over its entire database of customer records — and even the stored content of calls and e-mails — because customers “have consented to that” when they establish accounts. The fine print of many telephone and Internet service contracts includes catchall provisions, the lawyer said, authorizing the company to disclose such records to protect public safety or national security, or in compliance with a lawful government request. [Link]

I for one defend President Bush’s data mining program wholeheartedly. A person who cares about and is entrusted to maintain the security and success of ANY institution the way George W. Bush obviously cares for the United States of America, is expected, nay…duty-bound I should say, to keep track of their “organization.” If you guys disagree with this view then you obviously don’t understand the fact that with great power comes great responsibility.

My tremendous sense of responsibility is the very reason that I have been data mining and tapping the telephone calls of my fellow-bloggers here in our North Dakota headquarters for the past two years. Let me tell you a bit of what I’ve learned from this patriotic tool. Continue reading →

Fighting Words- UPDATED

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Q: What kind of person publicly threatens to hunt down and rape his rivalÂ’s four-year old daughter?

A: One of Clear ChannelÂ’s (former) finest: DJ Star, a.k.a. Troi Torain

Go ahead. Absorb. Let the nausea subside.

Yesterday, I received glad tidings of StarÂ’s termination (Thanks, TAN), but my relief quickly dissolved when I discovered just WHY he had been fired; during one of TorainÂ’s pathetic, IQ-reducing morning shows, he took a dispute he had with a nemesis– DJ Envy–to unprecedented levels of hatred by describing exactly how he wanted to hurt his rival’s innocent little girl. Wow. It is a truly special, powerful man who threatens to defile a child. If anyone needed further proof that Clear Channel was concomitantly useless and evil, look no further than their taste in employees and their amazing ability to reclassify hate as entertainment.

I understand that beef makes for tasty ratings, but apparently TorainÂ’s favorite meal came from a Mad Cow. Only a wasted, sick brain could conceive of and enthusiastically rant the following:

Star continued to digress about Envy’s child, saying, “Yes, I disrespected your seed. If you didn’t hear me, I said, I would like to do an R. Kelly on your seed, on your little baby girl. I would like to tinkle on her.” Even more, the now-removed radio jock stated, “I’m coming for your seed. Did you hear me? I want to do an R. Kelly in the mouth of your seed, fam… I want to put some mayonnaise in between your baby girl’s ass crack and take a bite.”

Quite predictably, Torain was relieved of his duty to shock listeners by spewing filth, but I want to know what took them so long. And I donÂ’t just mean the many hours which Clear Channel enjoyed before canning his ass, I mean these many months. I guess when your transgression involves an innocent Indian call center worker, itÂ’s easier to forgive and forget. No respect please, weÂ’re rat-eaters.

If Clear Channel had any kind of soul, they would have dumped Torain after that example of his intrinsic cruelty, but they donÂ’t, so they continued to remunerate him lavishly, thus ensuring that even more fecal matter would leave his worthless mouth. Much like children who have tortured kittens and puppies are practicing for future, human victims, I think that this descending spiral was predictable and thus, preventable. Shame on you Clear Channel. I rebuke you because your erstwhile star is shameless.
Continue reading →

Everybody Fatwa!

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It’s interesting how peoples’ devotion to free speech changes when it’s their sacred cow getting gored. Celebrated advocate for free speech Salman Rushdie once threatened another writer saying, “If you ever write mean things about my wife again, I’ll come after you with a baseball bat.”

An Indian Catholic has offered a Rs. 11 Lakh bounty for Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown, “Dead or Alive”

Similarly, while Catholics have not had a violent reputation for at least a century, the movie version of the Da Vinci Code is getting many of the pious hot under the collar. Cardinals at the Vatican first advocated a boycott against the movie, then unspecified legal action against the movie and the book, arguing:

“This is one of the fundamental human rights – that we should be respected, our religious beliefs respected, and our founder Jesus Christ respected,” [Link]

In India, the Catholic faithful are going further still. In Bombay, demonstrations call for the banning of the movie, and one former city official has even gone so far as to put a bounty on Dan Brown’s head:

The movie on the right has the tagline “story of a naughty nun”

Days before the film based on Dan Brown’s bestseller hits cinemas in the country, the Catholic Social Forum has called people of all faiths in Mumbai to fast unto death from May 12 if the government fails to ban the “anti-Christian” film. If that were not enough, a former corporator Nicholas Almeida, has done a Haji Qureishi, announcing a reward of Rs 11 lakh for anyone who “brings the author dead or alive before him”. [Link – thanks WGIIA]

[Interestingly, the HT has removed this story from their news archive, but it’s still available through the link above]

The head of the Catholic Secular Forum has also issued a veiled threat / warning about the consequences of releasing the Da Vinci Code movie:

“You can’t make fiction on a religious figure. Tempers are already running quite high and there’s no way of saying what could happen if the movie is released,” he said. [Link]

Continue reading →

Jumping the shark

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Goodness Gracious Me mastermind Sanjeev Bhaskar is now Sanjeev Bhaskar, OBE. Of the medal, Bhaskar wisecracked, ‘As an Asian bloke, it’s another thing I can stick on eBay.’

“It’s great for my parents. They’re of that generation that came over here with nothing. My ancestors would never have believed that their offspring would be at the Palace.” [Link]

Sanjeev Bhaskar and Meera Syal, who recently had a baby together, are currently filming for the next series of Kumars at No 42… confirmed guests include Cybill Shepherd… [Link]

Life’s sometimes ha-ha-hee-hee

No matter how much I love Bhaskar’s stuff, once a comedian has been knighted, he’s officially jumped the scepter. There’s nothing mutinous about a medal of the British Empire, a street cred slasher. Whereas the medal goes well with Sir Kingsley’s Shakespearean presence, even when he’s playing a goofy vampyre king.

There is one thing I love about the award. Can you keep a secret? Many Bhaskar sketches make fun of English people and their stereotypes about desis (thanks, BB and ksk). Shhh, don’t tell the queen.

Related post: Twee, innit?

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A law changes the face of America

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National Public Radio’s All Things Considered is running a three part series this week that takes a look at the 1965 Immigration Act. As mentioned at various times on SM, this is the law which is responsible for many of our parents being allowed to legally enter the U.S., as well as the reason many of us are born citizens. The series by NPR is particularly relevant because one can draw comparisons between the immigration debate then and now. There are three to four million people standing in line waiting to get into America legally right now.

The FULL story is an audio story (and contains rich detail in the form of short interviews-12 min long). I am excerpting the abridged transcript below, although you are much better off listening to the whole story. First, one must remember the immigration laws before the 1965 Act:

“The law was just unbelievable in its clarity of racism,” says Stephen Klineberg, a sociologist at Rice University. “It declared that Northern Europeans are a superior subspecies of the white race. The Nordics were superior to the Alpines, who in turn were superior to the Mediterraneans, and all of them were superior to the Jews and the Asians.”

By the 1960s, Greeks, Poles, Portuguese and Italians were complaining that immigration quotas discriminated against them in favor of Western Europeans. The Democratic Party took up their cause, led by President John F. Kennedy. In a June 1963 speech to the American Committee on Italian Migration, Kennedy called the system of quotas in place back then “nearly intolerable…” [Link]

So Kennedy and the Democrats saw the political advantages to updating the racist laws in order to give an equal shot to everyone in the world, but Kennedy died before the ’65 act was passed. When Lyndon Johnson signed it into law he went out of his way to state that he didn’t think anything would come of it. Neither Johnson, nor most of the government, thought that people would really line up to come to the United States:

“This bill that we will sign today is not a revolutionary bill. It does not affect the lives of millions,” Johnson said at the signing ceremony. “It will not reshape the structure of our daily lives or add importantly to either our wealth or our power.”

Looking back, Johnson’s statement is remarkable because it proved so wrong. [Link]

Continue reading →