My grandparents were social people. Once. I know this because I knew them, some 20-odd years ago as a child visiting Pakistan. They had chai with their neighbors, chatted with the doodhwalla [milkman] and bargained their way through the markets in the city of Lahore. They were lively, much-loved, essential parts of their tightly-knit community. But everything’s different now. Now, they live in the suburbs of New Jersey. Outside of children, grandchildren, occasional visits to church and medical visits, they don’t see many people. Their friends are in Pakistan, or scattered across the globe in the homes of their own children. And as they grow older, my grandparents, trapped by their deteriorating bodies, have traded scooters and cars for walkers and wheelchairs. I can see the loneliness in their eyes. But they aren’t the only ones.
Sunday’s New York Times featured an article called “Invisible Immigrants, Old and Left With ‘Nobody to Talk To,” about elderly immigrants in America whose lack of social connectedness can be caused by many barriers – including poverty, lack of transportation and language restrictions.
Many are aging parents of naturalized American citizens, reuniting with their families. Yet experts say that America’s ethnic elderly are among the most isolated people in America. Seventy percent of recent older immigrants speak little or no English. Most do not drive. Some studies suggest depression and psychological problems are widespread, the result of language barriers, a lack of social connections and values that sometimes conflict with the dominant American culture, including those of their assimilated children.
The article profiled some of the members of The 100 Years Living Club, a group of elderly desi men based in Fremont, California who gather in the front of a mall five days a week to chitchat. Many of the men spoke of being pressured out of their children’s homes into separate dwellings.
Mr. Singh, the widower, grew up in a boisterous Indian household with 14 family members. In Fremont, he moved in with his son’s family and devoted himself to his grandchildren, picking them up from school and ferrying them to soccer practice. Then his son and daughter-in-law decided “they wanted their privacy,†said Mr. Singh, an undertone of sadness in his voice. He reluctantly concluded he should move out. So when he leaves the Hub, dead leaves swirling around its fake cobblestones, Mr. Singh drives to the rented room in a house he found on Craigslist. His could be a dorm room, except for the arthritis heat wraps packed neatly in plastic bins. “In India there is a favorable bias toward the elders,†Mr. Singh said, sitting amid Hindu religious posters and a photograph of his late wife. “Here people think about what is convenient and inconvenient for them.â€
Which makes me wonder, how long until more nursing homes open up desi units? Or even (*gasp), nursing homes catering solely towards desi clientele? Sure, putting the elderly in nursing homes isn’t a typical tradition in the South Asian culture, but as the article correctly points out, traditions are changing. The nuclear family is taking over the extended family.
My own mother, who’s worked as a nurse at a nursing home for the past eight years, is fully prepared for the nursing home life come post-retirement. “I’m not going to rely on my American kids,” she tells us, despite our remonstrations. Even as she drives two hours every weekend to visit her own mother and of late, has spend nights sleeping in an uncomfortable chair at the hospital, beside her, she maintains that the structure of our American families won’t allow for the type of all-inclusive care she provides her own ailing parents. Is she right? I sure hope not, but given the high number of Asian residents she sees at her nursing home, it doesn’t seem implausible. And given that so many elderly immigrants are shuttered from the outside world, would such a facility provide them with the opportunity to interact in a meaningful way with peers from similar backgrounds? Or is that just wishful thinking?
An article in yesterday’s Washington Post, suggests that facilities that cater to elderly immigrants from exclusive populations are successful at attracting residents and keeping them happy.
In the Washington area, which has residents from 193 countries, there are retirement homes that cater to a single ethnic group, such as Chinese or Korean, serving their native foods and hiring staff who speak their native tongues. Now some general population facilities are also tailoring their services to an increasingly diverse clientele.
“Everyone is going to have to learn more about various ethnic and cultural sensitivities, because the marketplace of aging is getting more diverse,” said Larry Minnix, president and chief executive of the American Association of Homes and Services for the Aging. “I think, over the next five to 10 years, you’re going to see a lot of attention paid to this.”
But the article also pointed the gaps in care for more hard-to-reach groups, like South Asians.
There are also fewer facilities catering to more recent arrivals. “If you’re, say, kosher Jewish, there’s plenty of places,” Minnix said. “But what do you do if you’re Pakistani? I don’t think we’ve got any disciplined, well-thought-out answer to that.”
Well, do we? So far, I’ve found only one center in New Jersey that promotes itself as an “Indian Care Nursing Home.” As far as I can tell, it’s the only one of its kind. Anyone know of any others? Know anyone who’s enrolled in one? Likes it? Hates it? What’s your long-term plan for your parents?
A very interesting discussion. I have another issue that has come up. My wife has two sisters and all three of them life out of India – 1 in the UK, 2 in the US. My in-laws have lived in the same apartment in South Bombay for over 40 years. My FIL, who’s 73, still runs his own business, but his business is shrinking and not keeping up with the cost of living increases in Bombay. The majority of the rest of my wife’s extended family is scattered all over India and for that matter all over the world, but my in-laws want to stay in South Bombay – they love it there. Aside from the cost of living issues and the fact there is no reliable family around, my in-laws both have significant health issues (severe asthma, benign brain tumor.) Though they are both not in any immediate danger, I am very nervous about having them live all the way over there without any reliable support.
My wife and I agreed that we are in the best position to sponsor her folks and have them live with us. I had no idea that the suggestion would be taken as a huge insult. The issue is that my wife’s parents cannot under any circumstance take any help or assistance from us since I am the son-in-law and my wife is their daughter. WTF???? I just don’t get it. I can’t send them money to help out. I can’t offer to bring them here.
The other issue is that we live in Phoenix; though it’s a large city it’s not Bombay. Neither of my in-laws can drive due to their health, so even if did convince them to move to Phoenix, it would require a 3rd car with a driver. I was shocked at how much a part-time driver costs in the US? We get a really good driver in Bombay for just over Rs 6K/month. Not so in the states – the cost is so prohibitive and it’s not like they can just take a cab b/c everything’s so spread out.
We maybe willing and able, but due to some age old social norms and the suburban life in Phoenix, I feel almost guilty suggesting they move in with us. But what are our options. Anyone else have this issue with your in-laws as the son-in-law – I’m not allowed to lift a finger or drop a penny to try and help them. And I really love them and would do anything to make sure they are cared for, but I’m at a loss.
With the recession around, maybe someone on Craigslist would be willing to drive your in laws for a reasonable price?(that is assuming they are willing to come here).
I know my cousins occasionally pays one of the Hispanic handymen/landscapers to drive his relatives from the airport or somewhere if he is tied up.
Just out of curiosity… why do you object to didi-bhaiya and other such naming norms?
I do not object the naming conventions as such; I object the conventions being so harsh that if they’re ever broken, by mistake, then the kids should deserve some kind of severe scolding or punishment. I strongly believe in “live, let live”. And the way kids’ brains work, the moment they’re “forced” to do something, they’ll do the exact opposite
Thanks for a timely and important post. I am so glad you kicked off this discussion.
I have been trying to persuade my father to move into a continuum-of-care facility — actually quite different from a nursing home — for some time; he earlier agreed and is now dragging his heels because he feels “people only leave this place feet first.” But he really should not be living alone any more and I am looking for other options for him in the Bay Area. Suggestions welcome! But I also feel we (the desi community) may need to band together and form our own institutions.
I would like to add a movie recommendation to this awesome discussion. Have any of you seen Tokyo Monogatari (1953)? The movie, though Japanese, seems very relevant even in a Desi setting. It is about aging parents who visit their grown up children who have their own families and the things each generation learns or ignores about the other.
Excellent post PhGrrl and the comments add so much insight. As a des born American I have seen quite a few parents visiting the US and some moving here. I also found that a lot of the working grandmas- grandpas come here for child care but had to rush back to their own jobs and busy lives. Have to agree that the health care issue is a grenade waiting to go off — I personally know of 4 people on six month visits who had simple accidents that left them hurt for months- 3 slipped and fell and one had an unpleasant lawn mower accident.
My grandparents go to My Home, its a Indian grandparent “day care” system in North Jersey. They are picked up around 7am and dropped off at your house at around 4pm. They love it! They make tons of friends, are given healthy food and lessons on how to stay healthy. They have yoga classes, play games like Bingo( my grandpa will happily show you all the kitchenware he won by playing ), and do other exercises with them. Its a good way for Indian grandparents, who usually don’t speak much English, to get together and make more friends, instead of being couped up in a house. My grandmother even keeps a group picture of all the grandmothers that attend My Home on the wall in her room. I personally think its a great idea.
This is unfortunate but that’s going to happen.
Life is hectic here and expecting that
this will be like little India is unrealistic.
Generation before us has gone thru this dilemma and had lot of heart aches.
Now it is accepted that when you get old you don’t go and stay with your children.
Well as long as things don’t end up like they did for my American friend’s grandparents. His grandfather required constant care and was placed in a nursing home, but his wife lived by herself at their home. She died recently and it sounded like my friend’s parents had little contact with her event though she lived very nearby. Very strange.
Granted, this is an extreme case but it’s more likely to happen in the US. I think we can find a decent compromise of retaining some privacy and independence while taking care of our parents and grandparents. Of course finding that compromise like anything is the tough part especially in my situation where I’ve grown apart from many Desi cultural norms…
From NY article:
“Pravinchandra Patel, the 84-year-old founder of the 100 Years Living Club, intervened when he heard that the son in one family was taking his parents’ monthly Supplemental Security Income check, for $658, then doling out $20 for spending money”
I LOVE America – $658 a month for doing nothing to earn it except perhaps making the effort to immigrate to this country. Can’t wait to get my mami and papi over here!!!
I think one other factor that we’re forgetting is the range of mental acuity/intelligence our elders might have exclusive of the effects of old age. Someone mentioned playing bingo, but a lot of times you can simply have a grandparent who is much sharper than most of their generation and much like some problem children, simply bored with what a community has to offer. Granted they probably felt some of this their whole lives, but this only worsens because generally folks with more education/higher IQs end up remaining sharper for longer and so the gap widens.
Good discussion. I suspect a related conversation about how desis want to raise their kids and would end up being much more divisive, but I’d love to see it take place.
And I second KesarPista’s plug for Tokyo Monogatari. Great film regardless of how much you learn from it that directly applies here.
Unless the posters on this site are unlike virtually all my Indian friends and family, your parents are unhappy, overly-status conscious people, and you had a guilt-ridden childhood, with only conditional maternal love, and limited to no healthy male role modeling.
Spend your money on badly-needed therapy, and for God’s sake, don’t let them move in to ruin your marriage and your adulthood. And don’t do to your kids what was done to you.
Great post on a much-needed topic. I am half-Indian and my mother unfortunately has no social network due to being isolated by a horrible marriage as an immigrant. We as her children are her only support group. I feel like a social community of her peers would be beneficial for her on multiple levels, as opposed to just hanging out bored in a small apartment while we’re at work all day. Something like “My Home” sounds like a great compromise…but a home or community, not necessarily a nursing home, would be ideal. Does anyone know of anything like this in the Bay Area?
If we had any money, she could live with one of us, but we don’t. So that’s an issue here as well.
i agree with several of the posters above. it is easy to feel sympathetic towards an elderly person who has been left alone by his or her children, but sometimes there are very good reasons for the abandonment. for example, that same lonely elderly grandfather may have abused the hell out of his children thirty or forty years ago. the same grandmother with a sob story about how her children kicked her out may leave out her incredibly poor treatment of her daughter in law. old age is not a license for cruel behavior, nor is it an excuse for past wrongs. what goes around comes around.
A retirement community for Indians located in Florida: http://www.bharatvilas.com/home/index.php
My MIL has lived with us for the past year. I am an ABCD, my husband is from India. We had a baby and hubby thought it would be good to have her around. I have sooo many stories of the clash between an ABCD and DBD MIL. Need to start a blog just for that!
Pravin and Nitya – great comments, and Nitya I absolutely agree with you!
I have tried…so. freaking. hard. to get MIL to socialize. And she has done a bit…met some ladies in a nearby park. I try to get her out of the house whenever I can…for random shopping (she says no thanks I’ll stay home with baby you go shop!!) or to someone’s house, just because you never know when you’ll meet a friend. But the reluctance is there. Not sure what to do…but so far I have come to the conclusion that she should limit her stay in the USA to 6 months at a time, and as long as she is healthy keep returning to her country.
Hubby doesn’t see things the way I do…he thinks all she needs is a couple of dinner parties or a walk in the park to make her feel better emotionally and not miss India. Oh and because of her my baby watches TV all day. She watches TV serials, bhajan videos, religous shows, and yoga workouts ALL DAY LONG. I wish there was something here to help elderly desi folk socialize!
I don’t think I can imagine putting my parents in a nursing home of any kind. Not because I’am indian but because I’am a human being and was taught “family first” and believe that very much. Parents have taken care of you for GOD knows how long and now you can’t do the same? Shame on you. This is a white culture thing, not an indian thing!
67-Chikki
I totally get where you are! Both my mom and MIl visited us to have a look at their brand new grandchild. We thought perhaps both ladies could keep each other company…Ah…sooo foolish on our part! Imagine the drama/the complaints/the competition to repeat whose ailments are worse..not to mention the list of things we did wrong/the random diet restrictions I didn’t follow which will ruin the baby…
oh..I am so tired…
68 Browngal – you are wrong – it is not a white culture thing. I know many white Americans who take excellent care of their sick and/or elderly loved ones in their homes, sometimes even giving up their jobs. In fact, I would go as far as to say there are more whites and blacks who take care of their sick loved ones elderly or not, than Indians. There are also sons in this culture who are more than willing to take care of their mothers through cancer, Parkinson’s Alzheimer’s, heart disease cleaning up after them, bathing them, toileting them, cleaning their behinds, etc. I have yet to come across an Indian family that I know who is willing to do all this. They have parents who live with them as long as they are able to walk and do their own personal care. Once that is over and are in a wheelchair unable to move on their, they are sent to the Nursing home regardless of whether the parent can speak English or not, or eat anything Western or not. It is like being placed in a nursing home in China. I don’t know what is more cruel than that. I am an Indian and would take care of my mother no matter what, even if she was in a wheelchair.
Interesting topic. There is a cultural influence on how is the family system, i have noticed that maxican, chines, Indian, pakistani families do have a system where they keep their parents with them. Health care of parents visiting US is not very reliable and us based local insurance companies like blue cross etc do not offer any insurance coverage for them. I have my father lived with me who is on green card, and I recently purchased a long term coverage from him through visitorscoverage.com , i am also trying to see if he can get medicare. if any one got medicare please let me know the process.
wow sanskriti @70: Your view towards desi’s are seriously skewed. If you haven’t noticed, most of this thread is a heartfelt discussion about how to care for elderly. I have never in my life seen a desi parent wheeled to nursing home when they can’t walk when they can be taken care of at home. You must be living in seriously skewed desi community, because most desis I know are making sacrifices to their profession and personal life to be able to take care of their parents when they grow old, or at the least worrying to death about it and taking steps.
I’m single, in my twenties and these comments scare me! I haven’t thought about this stuff yet.
You guys are all in LaLA land, and have a very fantastic understanding of what it is like to take care of someone who is elderly vs. elderly and sick. Two very different scenarios. Tell me all those of you who are so wanting to take care of your parents – would you do it it your parent could no longer clean their behinds, have diarrhea, urinary incontinence where they pee all over, and do not want to wear diapers, etc? How many of you yourselves, not your wives, would be willing to put your careers on hold and stay home and take care of them instead of sending them to the nursing home? Because that is what real caregiving is all about and what true sacrifice is all about. When you have though about that and can state that you would indeed be willing to do that, then only are you truly interested in taking care of your parents. Having them live in your home as long as they are able to physically take care of their personal needs is not really caregiving, because them I too am a caregiver to my cat.
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Ruth
I think, a whole lot problem with Indian families is the value system itself. Why individualism, privacy, personal space and freedom is so misunderstood. These are the basic needs of every human being, which if not met cause tensions and problems in human relations. Although we brag and boast having strong family system, but we don’t realize that in such a congregation, we eat each other up. ‘Coz if it wasn’t so, we won’t have so many family differences. I wish we could learn to respect each family member as a separate individual entity first. How many parents of Indian origin STOP being parents even when their kids cross middle age? How many parents of Indian origin STOP imposing their wishes on their professionally settled sons and daughters, STOP taking decisions for their grown up children, STOP imposing their way of thinking which is not in sync with changing times and newer cultures. Why is it that RESPECT is only for elders and older people…Why CANNOT older generation respect the younger ones? I say, many many Indian parents are narcissistic in their style of parenting. Its these parents who wanted their children to GO to America. Now that their progeny is here, why do they complain? Come ‘on folks, we face problems of our own in work place, stress of adjusting to a new culture, work harder and deal with pressures of being an immigrant – first generations. Why can’t Indian parents see things more in a supportive role? Why is nurturing grand children seen as Babysitting and a burden on them? I don’t get it….
I enjoyed reading this article very much. I am writing a book: “Indian Diasora: Grandparents and Grandparenting” is the tentative title. I will like the author of this article or someone else interested in this topic to write a chapter for this book represting the role of diasporic grandparents in families living in the United States, Canada, U.K,and countries in Africa and Latin America. Please contact me via my e-mailasingh@mun.ca for further details about this project. Thank you in advance.
Amarjit Singh Professor Faculty of Education Memorial University St. John’s, Newfoundland Canada A1B 3X8
In my previous posting my e-mail was missing. My e-mail is
Amarjit Singh Memorial University St.John’s Newfoundland Canada
I do agree with in-home care, because I believe that in many cases, the client/s can be assisted in the home by having loyal aides come in and assist them and their families. In addition once the aide/s has/have reliable references, employing private aide/s can be better, as the rates are usually much less. actually, I myself is a private aide with checkable/reliable references, in search of private paying elder care job. my name Margaret Grant. My email address is eleanorg52@yahoo.com. I have 20 years experience in the home care field and I usually like the cases I get to work on.
I take care of my mother at home who is disabled and old and has Parkinson’s. I had to quit my job in order to take care of her. ALL the Indian people I know have told me to put her in a nursing home, chastizing me for wasting my life. I even had one woman tell me that she has NINE siblings and NONE of them took care of their mother, and so why would i bother to take care of mine and sacrifice my career and life for my mother. I have never had any white or black person tell me that I should put her in the Nursing home. Very interesting to read all’s comments but my experience has been quite different within the Indian community.