Category Archives: Humor

Maybe a DC Meetup This SUNDAY? [Updated]

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Meetup Madness at Amma.jpg

[Instead of Saturday at noon, the meetup will be on SUNDAY at 12:30. It is still at Amma. Please be noting date and time change– thanks. :)]

But first, a rushed write-up of what went down last time:

  • Icebreaker: The battle of the Jessicas- who is hotter, Alba or Biel? There were two poultry-submitted abstentions.
  • Adorable Munish changed his vote when he realized he was, in fact, supporting an Alumna of Seventh Heaven: “I thought you meant the woman from Flashdance!”
  • Once we started playing, “Who has the tiniest apt” after one of you suggested having meetups in our homes, Jay said we should have used THAT as the icebreaker—“Hi, I’m ___ and I have 400 sq ft!”
  • It was the reverse of our college years– Southies Reprazent!
  • There was a minor TamBrahm crisis when we discovered that Amma had run out of vada, for the first time in nine years.
  • I was smacked. Thrice. By our waiter. You can’t put a price on that kind of abuse.
  • Two of the above three spankings occurred as THIRTEEN more people than the sixteen we expected showed.
  • Once we ran out of table space: “Start sitting on laps. Sigh. I guess I’ll begin.” Plop.
  • What is UP with the lack of RSVPing, meetup-crashers: “This isn’t a wedding, people!”
  • Murthy’s Law: Next time, we should reserve the entire restaurant. That way no one will show.
  • We actually had to turn people away, for lack of space. 🙁
  • Can’t make it to the bathroom to wash your hands? Use the “Indian Faucet” a.k.a. a poorly-approximated finger bowl via drinking glass
  • Subcontinental Drift (we love you!)‘s MySpace page might induce seizures.
  • Me to Jay (of the blog Weaselplasty) “All our friends are apparently stand-up comics (and they performed at SD)”
  • Said one, “Tortoise porn is available on YouTube.” Said the Terp, all dismissively, “I know about THAT”, as the rest of us exhibited the proper reaction to that statement, which is shock and horror.
  • One attendee confessed that while this meetup was fabulous, they had “hobbit envy” about Houston.
  • Library Science: it gets no respect
  • Second Best line of the meetup: “Why are men always giving me money and then leaving?”
  • A Tamil girl who was raised in Bombay tried to reconcile her identities by saying…she was like a “paneer dosa”
  • Paneer Dosa has said she will be at the June meetup; that way you can mock her for her metaphor in person! 😉
  • I ordered two Salt Lassis and four Madras Kappis.  I received ONE Madras Kappi.
  • Lemon Rice for me, dosas for EVERYONE ELSE
  • Best line of the meetup: “Your picture on Shaadi.com was so much better!”
  • More on Sunny Leone and the greatness of snuff films.
  • Despite our most obnoxious attempts to be porntastic in order to clear the restaurant, so more of us could be seated, the packed place wasn’t bothered at all by our antics. Contrast this with Heritage India, where we sent them screaming out the door. It would appear that South Indian families are immune to our offensiveness. 🙂

Now, after reading the merriment-filled minutes of our last meetup, who feels like getting together again for more? 🙂 I’m craving dosa and you, well, after I published this post, I learned that you are ALL craving dosa, ALL the time.

WHERE: Amma’s Vegetarian Kitchen, 3291 M St. NW, Washington, DC 20007, 202-625-6625

WHEN: SUNDAY, JULY 1. 12:30 PM.

WHY: Because you nosy little monkeys want to pepper me for non-existant gossip about the Mutiny.

Think of it as a post-Subcontinental Drift “survivors’ brunch”. Kill your hangover with Madras Kappi and Rasam! 😀

::

As for New York…Maybe mid-late July? 🙂

::

San Francisco? End of August, we’ll keep you posted. Continue reading →

Kingfisher Airlines — coming soon to the U.S.

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I always find it a little suspect when people try to do novelty airlines, maybe because I’m one of those paranoid people who, even after years of flying and hundreds of flights, still routinely thinks “We’re all going to die!” at least two or three times on any given flight. Thus, I will never fly the now-grounded “Hooters Air,” even if it does come back. (Guys, keep your eyes on the… cockpit? please?)

Kingfisher Airlines might end up as a better bet, but as might be proper in an airline that emerged out of a beer company, if I do ever fly with them I’ll still probably feel compelled to smell the pilot’s breath before I take my seat. Apparently, Kingfisher Airlines, one of India’s newer domestic carriers, has signed a deal with Airbus to buy several jumbo and superjumbo planes, with an eye to entering the international market. The move is part of a general boom in international travel to India (which has been up by about 40% this year alone).

The New York Times article about the event spends as much time talking about the lifestyle of Kingfisher’s flamboyant CEO Vijay Mallya, as it does considering the economic viability of the venture (they do note that Kingfisher Airlines has yet to turn a profit as a domestic carrier in India):

Mr. Mallya personally is the sort of unfettered corporate czar that many American boardrooms have not seen in at least half a century. He surrounds himself with a close group of longtime advisers, wears copious diamonds, holds business meetings at his house until 5 in the morning, winks at female journalists and flaunts the “good times” corporate motif in most aspects of his life.

At home, a Mercedes, a Ferrari and a Bentley are parked in his driveway. His ornate living room is filled with silver gilded furniture and art objects like a marble statue of a nymph-like woman, as well as a Picasso sketch. His CD collection includes dance, lounge and party music.

A group of largely silent young women clad in white deliver drinks, answer phones and clean up ashtrays. (link)

Kya baat hai. Vijay Mallya seems to be a mix of new-school Indian self-confidence and ambition (this is a huge endeavour), and a kind of old-school, “ladies’ man” absurdity that seems to have come out of some 70s Bollywood movie. Even the attractive female flight attendants are a big part of the company’s marketing campaign, which seems like an obvious Vijay Mallya touch (see this article).

In general, I have to say that Kingfisher’s “keep the good times rolling” marketing campaign simply isn’t appealing to me. From an airline I really want the boring things — professionalism, competence, and yeah, safety — not so much “party time.”

But is he perhaps appealing to a real demographic, one that’s a bit less stodgy and paranoid than me? Are people really going to fly Kingfisher “Good Times” Airlines to go to and from the Desh? Continue reading →

America’s Got… Kashif, Hai Hai

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America’s Got Talent is kind of the summer replacement for American Idol. For the most part it’s awkward amateurs getting “gonged” by the judges — with the occasional semi-professional dance/martial arts troupe showing up to keep the audience awake. (Oh, and Jerry Springer is in there, just basically being Jerry Springer.) Toward the end of last night’s episode, my jaw dropped when they put this guy on:

What’s your reaction to this? I don’t think it could be rated very highly as a specimen of Bollywood dance, though Kashif is pretty committed to those Hrithik-esque moves he’s doing. He seems very simple and pure; maybe that’s why the judges think he’s charming?

Unfortunately, the innocent-foreigner thing can only take you so far; I think Kashif should show up at the callbacks in Vegas with a flashy B-Boy outfit and a massive diamond necklace (courtesy of Jacob the Jeweler) that says KA$HIF. Otherwise, those shirtless pseudo-martial arts guys (tacky as they are) will eat him for breakfast. Continue reading →

But Tony, the President still likes Indians…right?

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So a funny thing happened at the White House press briefing today. Yes. Of course. Our boy Goyal was at it once again. I recommend anyone drinking milk right now to put their glass down so as to prevent the milk from momentarily spraying out your nostrils. Here we go:

Q Tony, two questions. One, there is disturbing news, and the Indian American community is very angry that Senator Obama and his campaign has been calling the Indian American community taboo and other names, calling names, and all that because of the relations with the Clintons, President Clinton and Hillary Clinton. My question is, how does — what does President think about the Indian American community and his relations with the Indian American community?

MR. SNOW: Well, the President, obviously, is proud of our — the growing closeness of the United States and the Indians. Not to be holding a brief for Senator Obama, but I don’t believe that he made comments of that sort. I do believe that was a staff comment for which he issued apologies. But having said that, it is important to realize that the United States looks upon India as the world’s largest democracy, as an important and vital ally in a whole host of things — regional security, global trade, climate change. I mean, the role of — the importance of India is not to be understated. And we are certainly glad that the relations between the nations continue to draw closer. [Link]

I am trying to wrap my head around this one. I mean, why would the White House have an official position about what an Obama staffer wrote about Sen. Clinton? Is this what reporters assigned to a scandal-plagued White House really want to know about? Then it just gets even funnier:

Q Second, just on Sunday I was in Washington, here at the Verizon Center, over 20,000 Indians, mostly Hindu, gathered together there. And their message was peace and unity, internationally and here also. The question is here that President has gone to all the denominations here, but never to a Hindu temple. And he goes to church, I go to temple, but he is a religious man, so am I. What my question is that this weekend —

MR. SNOW: You want to know if he’s going to go to the temple?

Q This weekend there is a grand opening of Hindu temple in Adelphi, right on the beltway, if he can make it there sometime or —

MR. SNOW: I don’t think that’s on the schedule, and I think you do appreciate, Goyal, that Presidents don’t do casual drop-bys.

Q He has been invited.

MR. SNOW: Again, I appreciate the suggestion. [Link]

Yo, that would be tight if W did a “drop-by.” Any D.C. area mutineers going to be in Adelphi who can let us know? And for those still following the D-Punjab soap opera, Rediff got an exclusive with Obama today:

[Obama] explained that “I think what happened was that the people who were writing the memo thought that to quote back Hillary Clinton was clever somehow. They were wrong and I let them know in no uncertain terms that this was unacceptable.”

Obama acknowledged he had no idea about the document that was being circulated by some members of his campaign staff till the controversy erupted, when the Indian-American community was in uproar and his Indian-American supporters contacted his campaign expressing their concern. [Link]

Continue reading →

Rani Mukherjee to Marry…Some Guy

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oooh, DRAMA.JPG

…random men everywhere who aren’t Aish/Bips/Shabana-devotees gnash their teeth and shake their fists at the sky impotently. Or not.

Oooooh, DRAMA! An anonymous tipster leaves juicy news on the…well, news tab (via SAWF):

Bollywood star Rani Mukerhee, 29, is all set to marry film maker Aditya Chopra, 36, son of Yash Raj Chopra. A commitment ceremony or “Roka” was held Monday at the Chopra bungalow in Bombay.
A source close to the family told the Hindustan Times: “The roka took place at the same Chopra bungalow where Chandni was shot. Around 60 people (family and friends) attended the ceremony that included Rani’s parents Ram and Krishna Mukherjee, brother Raja and his wife. Present from the Chopra clan were brother Uday, dad Yash Chopra and mum Pamela Chopra.”

Awww, that’s so cute! My last two german shepherds, who were litter-mates, were also named Raja and Rani. And no, I didn’t name them, so shut up.

“Rani wore a maroon saari with silver embroidery and Aditya wore a kurta-pyjama, both designed by designer Pallavi Jaikishan. Pam aunty didn’t seem very happy, as she has a soft corner for Adi’s ex-wife, Payal. Another function will take place at Rani’s house next week,” the source added.

Why do I care, when I am a clue-free Mallu ABCD who has gone on record as not paying attention to Bollywood? Because it’s JUICY. Duh.

Aditya was recently divorced from Payal Chopra, whom he married in 2001.

Ah, so THAT is why anonymous tipster namechecked Angelina Jolie! Apparently, Rani is a homewrecker, but my half- third- quarter-hearted googling found nothing. If the girl Big B got creepy with in KKKG really did break up this guy’s marriage, I’m sure one of you will edify us with confirmation of such sordid details.

According to the Mumbai Mirror, Aditya’s decision to divorce Payal, who is the daughter of a close friend of father Yash Raj, has strained relations between the father and son.

I can’t be the only one thinking…all this would make a great Bollywood movie? Life imitates art…? Annnnnd, I’m bored again. Who wants to talk about Obama, caste or saffron balls? Anyone? Continue reading →

When landlords get all up in your bidness

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It’s bad enough when your parents hound you for being single and ask why you were out so late last night, but the Christian Science Monitor points to the double standard that single women renters face in India at the hands of their prospective (and over-protective) landlords:

It took Chiya Singh three months and seven real estate agents working in tandem to find an apartment to rent in New Delhi.

The problem wasn’t her credit history or salary. It was her status as a single Indian woman. The questions blocking Ms. Singh from a room of her own were a bit personal, she says. Prospective landlords wanted to know why, at age 29, she wasn’t married and why, as a single person, she didn’t want to live with her parents.

“It was an exhausting process,” Singh says, of trying to find her own place after she divorced. “I became a broken record. They asked ‘Why do you want to live alone?’ I said, ‘Um, because I think I’m old enough.’ “

That response usually netted Singh a cold expression and a vague “We’ll let you know” from the landlord. [Link]

Because, I mean…why would a single woman want to live by herself?

In India, “If you want freedom, it can only be for one thing – sex,” Singh says. “You want to tell them [landlords], ‘That’s the last thing on my mind. I think I’m old enough to take care of myself.’ But for the landlord, it becomes an issue of respectability.” [Link]
Continue reading →

“Dutch” isn’t veg-friendly.

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calculate this.jpg I love reading real newspapers on the weekends (since all I have time for is Express during the week). While lazing through the New York Times this afternoon, I found this six week old “T: Style” article which made me smile, after the conversation I had yesterday with a mutineer…

me: How was dinner?

she: Can I vent?

me: But of course, my little cabbage!

she: I got robbed.

me: OMG, you got mugged???

she: Noooo. I mean…when the bill came.

me: I don’t get it.

she: Of course you do, you’re veg, too.

me: Oh, THAT-a-way

she: Yes. That. A. Way. Not a damned vegetarian entree on the menu AND everyone I was with obviously ordered seafood– not just any seafood…the market-rate stuff.

me: Ah, that which has no price listed.

she: EXACTLY!

me: Ouch.

she: That’s not even the worst of it! You know how I don’t drink??

me: Yeah…?

she: Well, everyone else more than made up for it. 3-4 each.

me: Wow, so you-

she: Subsidized a bunch of fish and vodka. What I ordered came to all of $25 WITH tax and a 20% tip…what I PAID was $72.

me: Sigh. Well, you made the birthday girl happy by being there.

she: True. But, I COULD HAVE GIVEN HER THE $50. Then she’d be happy and I wouldn’t feel so damned ripped-off.

Stop smirking, dear readers. You know you’ve had that EXACT conversation with one of your friends. Half the brown people in Amreeka are Guju* and plenty of them are Jain. 🙂 Quit acting like you are unaware of the plight of the put-upon veggie:

Do birthday parties held in restaurants give you a palm-dampening, heart-palpitating anxiety attack? You’re not alone…
It’s not that we don’t wish many happy returns to B. P. — now blushing in thanks or dashing abashedly to the powder room — really, we do. It’s the guy two chairs down who ordered the foie gras appetizer, Dover sole entree, side of truffled mashed potatoes and three martinis made with designer gin whom we never want to see again.
“Vegetarians always get screwed at these things,” rightly groused a paralegal who is tired of subsidizing other people’s steak frites.

Continue reading →

55Friday: The “One Sentence Story” Edition

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I hadn’t logged in to my del.icio.us for a while; when I did so today, one of the “popular” links on the main page caught my eye.

One Sentence – True stories, told in one sentence. [link]

Since I’m the resident doyenne of fast fiction (ironic, innit?), I was predictably and immediately interested.

As soon as I thought, “This might be fun for 55Friday,” your torment was assured. Last week, we had as many haikus as we did examples of nanofiction, so I know you like to change things up a bit. Oh, and to those who wondered out loud why we do this writing-thing/expressed how you’d like to see less of these posts on SM, I have three things to type:

1) Others actually love what you dislike.

2) It’s a tradition! We’re desi, we love rituals and routines!

3) As one of you put it in a very kind email:

I noticed that you haven’t posted a 55Friday topic in a while. I hope you didn’t discontinue it. I love 55Friday because it’s the only time during the week when I’m creative. One day a week, I get to feel like I’m living up to that ever-present new year’s resolution to “write more”, so please bring it back if you can.

So, please ignore this if it doesn’t have any effect on your knickers and move on to something which will– and that’s solid advice for every post you wrinkle your cute little nose at, not just 55Fridays.

Okay, back to one-sentence wonders. The most significant difference between this and our typical 55s? These are supposed to be true, real, non-fiction. I chose a few from the site, to inspire you and help demonstrate what to do. Most of these were plucked from the “Best of” section.

I don’t wish that I had Jesse’s girl…why did he find a woman like this:

Jesse
She’s ruined half of my music library for me.

Since these are true stories, this one made my heart crack:

zot
I am heart-sick because, like many parents of children with profound disabilities, my most secret and unspoken prayer is “Dear God, please let me outlive my child.”

This (since they’re supposed to be true!) is just wrong 🙂

Adam
The pedestrian looked concerned, as he bounced off the bonnet of my car.

Continue reading →

Suni side up

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When my worlds align, you know I’m going to blog it:

SUNI WILLIAMS DAY AT JSC

Help celebrate a major spaceflight milestone as Expedition 15 Flight Engineer and STS-117 crew member Sunita Williams sets a new female long duration spaceflight record. She will surpass Shannon Lucid’s long-held record of 188 days, 4 hours this Saturday, June 16 at 12:47 a.m CDT.

So how do we help celebrate this kick-ass achievement?

To show your support for Suni, wear something red this Friday, June 15 (In honor of her love of the Red Sox). Also on Friday, the Starport cafés will feature 2 eggs “Suni”-side up on Texas Toast for $.99 and Chicken Indian Spiced Malai Murgh for $ 3.49 ala cart and $5.99 Combo. The Chicken breast is coated with a mixture of spices (cumin, garlic, pepper, lemon juice, chopped jalapenos, paprika, and sour cream) then roasted and served with rice.

Oh yeah! Curry in the cafeteria. Have any of you had government institutional food before? This intrepid blogger’s passion for venturing places where no man has gone before compels him to try the chicken on Friday. If I’m ever lucky enough to go in to space someday I am going to make them serve dosas with sour cream and ketchup in the cafeteria when I come down. Let’s pray our girl makes it down ok:

NASA engineers and astronauts are working on innovative ways to fix a tear in the heat shield of the shuttle Atlantis which had taken off last Friday.

One of the methods that could be used to fix the tear would be using a stainless steel wire serving as thread and an instrument with a rounded end resembling a small needle.

This is usually used to repair tears in astronaut suits but may work here as well. [Link]

By the way, Suni’s dog, the terrier she had to leave behind on Earth and who goes by the name of “Flat Gorby,” is becoming kind of famous. You know how people sometimes take pictures of gnomes at different locations around the world? Just type in Flat Gorby in Google and see all the hits the dude has and where he has “visited” while she has been up in space.

Continue reading →

Anand Jon: Now With Less Hair, More Victims

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A few of you have sent in tips about Anand Jon’s latest legal issues. Here are some blockquotes about the dirty and disgraced designer, which I ganked from Reuters:

A celebrity fashion designer already accused of raping or sexually assaulting 12 women and girls who came to him as aspiring models was charged on Tuesday with attacks on six additional victims.
Los Angeles prosecutors have now charged Anand Jon, an Indian-born designer who has appeared on the popular television show “America’s Next Top Model,” with a total of 46 counts involving 18 victims, all with ties to the fashion industry and between the ages of 14 and 27.

Anand Jon Alexander, who was notorious for being a douche to our girl Julie Titus during season 3, is out on bail.

The charges against Jon include forcible rape, sexual battery, sexual penetration by a foreign object, sodomy by use of force, forcible oral copulation, false imprisonment by violence, assault with the intent to commit a felony, lewd act on a child, contributing to the delinquency of a minor and sexual exploitation of a child.

Oh, and as for the title of this post…Jon cut his “trademark” flowing tresses. Seventy percent of you had no idea he even had long hair, and I applaud you for your ignorance. Sepia Mutiny: we read TMZ so you don’t have to. Continue reading →