Headlines I’d Like To See

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Musharraf Resigns, Narendra Modi to Replace Him

Advani Resigns BJP, Plans To Take Up Gardening, Play With “Wii”

Vikram Pandit, Enthusiastic About New Job, Changes Name to “CitiPandit”

New Citigroup CEO Demands Subordinates Address Him as “Panditji“

Sources: Dem Anti-Outsourcing Campaign Outsourced to India

Indian American Athlete Wins Heisman Trophy

Impoverished By Writer’s Strike, Simpsons’ “Apu” Returns to India For Good

Rushdie Marries Older Woman, Adopts Large-Nosed Infant Named “Saleem”

Sonia Gandhi Disowns Rahul and Priyanka; Monica Bellucci To Join Cong.

(Feel free to add your own, or spin off/tweak one of the above.)

171 thoughts on “Headlines I’d Like To See”

  10. Bush receives 45 year sentence for Treason charges, betrayal of own country. In a strange twist of fate, his first “bunk-mate” is a former Guantanamo detainee…..

  11. “Random security checks at airports outlawed, Senate investigates claims of racial discrimination by TSA”

    “Shiv Sena supremo Bal Thackeray steps down, to settle down in Pandarpur”

    “ACLU inaugrates South Asian branches”

  15. This one has a good chance to be real.

    Hulk Hogan vs The Great Khali at the next Wrestlemania.

    I caught the WWE Raw for the 1st time in while and it looks like that they are setting up a storyline for these 2 to meet to wrestle. I talked to guy who regular wrestling fan, and he said that Hogan only wrestles a couple of time a years, and this will be Hogan next match.

    I wonder if this will get major media coverage in India.

    Here the link, Khali is about to beat up some midget wrestler when Hogan makes the save at the 2:30 mark. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZ3qReS4hac

  17. Just for the heck of it: “Himesh Reshammiya to collaborate on 53 track CD with Sanjaya Malakar”

    “Kal Penn to play Gandhi in new Oliver Stone movie on Gandhi assassination”

    “Controversial Oliver Stone movie banned in India, detractors claim shows Nehru in bad light”

  18. How about:

    Skin Tanning Cream emerges as most bought beautifiying product.

    How about a matrmonial:

    Single, attractive, smart and successful Indian girl looking to find my Indian Romeo-ji. Caste and income is absolutely no bar. All interested inquiries please contact Rani_Mukherjee@bollywood.in

  20. “ACLU inaugrates South Asian branches” Addendum: “ACLU inaugrates South Asian branches – ICLU, PCLU, SLCLU, BCLU”

    Come on Santosh! The headline(s) should read:

    PUCL and HRCP to Merge: SACLU formed; United Voice on South Asian Human Rights Issues; Many of Our Issues Similar, Note Chairpersons.

    (By the way December 10 was International Human Rights Day).

  22. The matrimonial ad should read like this:

    Single, attractive, smart and successful Indian girl looking to find single, tall, fair, good-looking man. Must know cooking. Cleaning experience preferred. Interested persons contact xyz@gmail.com

  23. “Shane Warne, Bishan Bedi to announce new anti-chucking benefit concert series: acts to include John Howard bowling, the ghostly remnants of Milli Vanilli and Russel Crowe’s band Sham.”

    “The brothers Rajapakse find common cause with P-raps, announce joint venture to explore Arrack opportunities in Marianas Trench while promoting cultural heritage in Kattu-Maram submersible.”

  25. Ok, I shall continue:

    “Air Force One outsourced to Jet Airways”

    “Mars rover discovers crumbs of chivda on Mars”

    “Sunita Williams becomes Air India head honcho”

    “Following Brett Lee, Inzamam and Lara to release Sufi-Calypso album with Asha Bhosle”

  28. The Indian National Congress says no to Rahul Gandhi’s PM aspirations. The INC spokesman said “We have had enough of these unqualified fools”.

    Also, the supreme court rules in favor of a petition brought by the original Gandhi family. The tribute Gandhis will have to change their surname back to Nehru.

  32. With no disrespect intended to anyone 🙂

    Puli finds a mate through Sepia Desitny

    Chachaji’s dream of a South Asian nation state comes true

    ABDs and DBDs refrain from making sweeping generalization about each other on February 29th every four years and the day will be known as des pardes divas

  36. A long standing dispute in California has been resolved by splitting the state into “South California” and “North California”, but Santa Barbara and Laguna Beach want to be part of the north state!!

  37. South Asians immigrants to western countries, are glad to be there instead of bitching and moaning about how things were better in there homeland.

    Maybe one day that can happen.

  38. “Starbucks gets in the Christmas mood,only charges homeless man $6.00 for tall coffee”

    “President Bush declares adult footie pajamas socially acceptable”

    “Punjabi groom snaps and kill’s 3 after he kind find his shoes”

  39. “Lou Dobbs divorces wife under a cloud of suspicion regarding her own citizenship status, will pursue polyamorous civil union to raise real American children with Tom Tancredo, Jon Kyl, Glenn Reynolds, Bryan Preston, Allahpundit and a rehabilitated Papa Pilgrim.”

  40. The male/female birth ratio in both the punjab and western punjabi communities is back to normal.

    I guess this is headline we won’t see in a longtime.

  43. Bush impeached, courts orders him to going hunting with Dick Cheney.

    Bush takes a vacation, from taking vacations.

    Airbus changes direction, ditches the A380 for the Vimana 2.0, Delta places initial order for 200, but will serve only micro pretzels on board.

    Toyota buys GM and Ford, hires engineers to build cars.

    SUV’s, Cup Holders, eating in the car, Talking on cellphones, TV’s, Spinning Wheels and tricked out rides, banned. Half the population now walks to work, the other half is unemployed.

    Oil companies own up to dismantling public transportation system.

  44. Edison, NJ to be renamed Ramanujam, NJ

    Mike Huckabee denies making “earth is round” remarks

    George Lucas to direct Ramayan: The Ravan Menace

  45. Indian villager converts garbage into petrol(this time for real)

    ‘I am willing to dance if Karunanidhi can write a song for me’, Jayalalitha on Sun TV

    ‘I am still stumped that tamilians think my drivel is worth publishing’, Karunanidhi on Jaya TV

    The congress worker who relieved himself, on Narasimha Rao’s poster in 1996, admits he couldnt find a nearby toilet in time

  46. Airbus changes direction, ditches the A380 for the Vimana 2.0, Delta places initial order for 200, but will serve only micro pretzels on board.

    …US Airways to include Gandharva Vivaha service at extra cost, Rakshasa Vivaha to be provided seasonally.”

  48. TN Elections Tied! Jayalalitha to Mud-wrestle with Karunanidhi for Tiebreak.

    Rick Santorum Marries Dog. Says “It’s OK if it’s a female dog”.

    Tom Delay Recovering From DIY Accident. Admits: “When all you have is a Hammer, everything starts to look like a thumb”.

    Minority Whip Trent Lott Reminisces: “When I was young, the Minority Whip used to whip minorities”.

    US Senator Sex Scandal: Republican Caught With A Chicken. Democrats Cry Fowl.

    ee cummings to take up new job as NEW YORK POST HEADLINE WRITER!

    FOX News On Sex Scandals: “No Democrat has ever denied under oath that they have had loving feelings towards a fire extinguisher. We ask why. Stay tuned!”

  49. New evidence suggests Ram Setu built by Aliens

    The official was also quoted as saying “we have proof that Indians did not build the bridge, It is known that Indian contractors first split the money, if there is any left, they then build a bridge. The Aliens first build the bridges, then split the money”