No Wonder We’re One Billion Strong…and Growing

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Any email which has Bowmp chika bowmp bowmp-Zindabad! for a subject line is guaranteed to be a good time. SM Reader “HappyNoNoPlace” didn’t disappoint with the content [Via TOI]:

Indians have emerged the third busiest love-makers in the world, with the most exciting and satisfied sex lives much like the Nigerians and Mexicans, who took first and second respectively in a global survey.

w00t team brown!! We’re number three! We’re number three! Wait a second…I’m remembering something. Oh, yes…this one time, when I was in high school, my father said, “Third? There’s a trophy for third? Third place means YOU LOST”, after a speech and debate tournament. What a halcyon childhood.

According to the Durex Global Sexual Wellbeing Survey, Indians have also emerged the most expressive lovers than most of their global counterparts while the Chinese made the shyest lovers.

Noooo, that’s incorrect and one swiffer of a sweeping generalization. You see, it’s just the Bengalis and Malayalees who can’t shut up. Ever.

Indians came third on the sex index with 61% of the respondents saying they were fully satisfied with their sex lives. Nigerians were the most satisfied at 67%, followed by Mexicans at 63%. Japanese at 15% are the least sexually fulfilled.

How is that final fact possible, when this fantastic thing exists [NSFW]?

The survey also indicated that nearly 74% of Indians don’t hesitate to tell their partners about their preferences in bed. The Chinese, on the contrary, emerged the coyest in the bedroom — as 44 per cent do not talk with partners on how they feel and what they like in bed.

Now if the following is not considered “synchronicity”, I don’t know what can be– last night’s rerun of SATC was the episode wherein Miranda is nonplussed by her special friend’s constant request that she be more vocal. Maybe the Chinese are like, the Mirandas of the world. Omigosh, they could all get that stupid tank top which states, “I’m a Miranda!”

The survey further showed that nearly 68% of Indians find their love lives stimulating, which is again higher as compared to 38% for English lovers and 36% for those living in France.

Again, I think this study is flawed. You see, the French cultivate that impressive ennui like it’s a cherished Kari Patta/Kari Bevu/Limda/Karivepaku/Karuveppila plant. Silly Durex! They should have probed more deeply.

In the sex frequency category, Indians again stood third, with 53% saying that they had sex as frequently and as often as they liked, trailing behind Nigeria and Mexico, with 58 and 56%.

Who says the news is always negative? More than half of India is gettin’ some. Isn’t that a happy way to start your weekend? Go forth, my brown brothers and sisters! Let us celebrate our third place standing (if that’s what works for you)!

73 thoughts on “No Wonder We’re One Billion Strong…and Growing”

  3. I was waiting for you to post on this one. I agree that the study is seriously flawed. I am not about the study details but I am guessing the sample set is from the Metros and has more male respondents. Also, getting ‘some’ as often as you want does not say anything about the frequency of getting it.

  4. This analysis is quite flawed. I am in marketing research, and the one thing we learn early on when you do multi-country studies is that people of difference countries overstate differently. The Japanese overstate the least while Hispanics, Africans and Indians are waaaay up there on the overstatement factor. So taking these percentages at face value is totally nonsense. That, plus Yapsee’s point above about where exactly did they get their respondents from. You can’t generalize results for an entire country with just data from the metros.

    Having said that, i am thrilled to get this kind of fake publicity for india. after all, we all practise the kamasutra at home, no. we obviously have to be good at it!

  5. I promise to do my part to get us to the #1 position.

    Bernie you stole my line for tonight…

  7. There was a similar study a few years back when IT had just established itself in bangalore as the new thing and there were suddenly a lot of yuppies around. The survey indeed showed the changing role of the male (taking part more in the activities of the house) and how the female had started initiating sex more often. One of the reasons given for much sex was that it was a good way to de-stress after all the stress at work. Given that we are moving towards a service economy, mental stress has indeed increased a lot and I suppose sex is a good way to de-stress.

  8. We are only #3? We shouldn’t take this lying down!!! We should all follow Bernies advice and do our part.

  9. ANNA, i lowe this post. Bernie, you are my hero.

    They should have probed more deeply

    Please say ‘pun intended’ becuase I am apparently still 14 years old and get a kick out of these things;)

    We shouldn’t take this lying down!!!

    Hehe…um…

  10. Less is more to some people.

    Maybe Indians are just more easily satisfied? Maybe the women (and men) there just don’t expect too much out of a lovemaking session? I find that we here in USA have so many requirements when it comes to that, due to all the books we read about multiple orgasms and stuff, plus the media here pushes an active sex life as one of the most important things in life.

    I think different cultures have different “standards” when it comes to sex. And I definetly think we American women expect much more from our men in bed then Indian women expect of their men, and probably vice versa.

  12. Woh…the link to ‘that fantastic thing’ should be NSFW!!

    You are right, I’m sorry about that. It’s so pink and cute, I forgot it might be…unsafe. 😉

    Should be updated now.

  13. Tara: Perhaps the easy satisfiability of Indians is because pre-marital sex is such a taboo. When the couple finally does get married, they have a go at it and find it really enjoying.

  14. I’m happy to know that we’re third and beats the Poms but how could we loose to the Mexicans & Nigerians? The survey is clearly based of data from a bunch of yuppies who make love like rabbits. But still, Nigerians?

    bangs head in disbelief

  15. We shouldn’t take this lying down!!!

    And we don’t have to. That’s the superb thing about having the Kamasutra in your library. 🙂

  17. I promise to do my part to get us to the #1 position.

    I promise to do my part in being #1 in all positions.!

  19. I haven’t checked the archives to confirm this, but it seems like this “global survey” seems to get the most press in India? And it seems to be an annual thing. Durex must find it a good source of cheap PR.

    74% of Indians don’t hesitate to tell their partners about their preferences in bed

    May be Indians use the bed more than everyone else. Boring desis!

  20. I just got my karuveppilai plant from my mallu friends and I’m a very satisfied Indian.

  21. This confirms my suspicions. I have an ultra-conservative uncle and aunt who went out and bought a copy of the kamasutra right after they got married (arranged) and proceeded to try each and every one of the positions. Those sati savitris and VHP-ers are really getting it on at night.

  22. I have an ultra-conservative uncle and aunt who went out and bought a copy of the kamasutra right after they got married (arranged) and proceeded to try each and every one of the positions.

    And they shared this with you?

  25. Damn, and I wanted this study to be true too!

    You see, it’s just the Bengalis and Malayalees who can’t shut up. Ever.

    hee. I knew there was a stereotype about Bengalis talking/writing too much, but Malayalees too?

  26. I knew there was a stereotype about Bengalis talking/writing too much, but Malayalees too?

    Eh, maybe it’s just me. 😉 I can’t shut up and I am hoping it’s genetic.

  28. No, you’re right. Malayalees can’t shut up. Gag order means nothing to us. Vell, it does to me, but that’s another story.

  31. That link is hilarious!

    My thoughts confirmed here;

    Verily, nothing makes me feel prouder than when we beat the French in matters of sensuality. Of course there will be some Pakistani ISI agents among us who will point out that the reason the dilettante Frenchmen are dissatisfied with their carnal lives is that, exposed as they are to all forms of sexual experiences from their teens , they very soon have no more worlds to conquer, everything becomes “been there done that” and the act of coupling becomes as predictable as “Yeh Akaashvani hain”. This is in sharp contrast to most of us Indians, who brought up on a diet of wet saris and Sun TV Midnight Masala on mute, get all excited even when we get an Archies musical gift card that plays the theme of Titanic. In other words, the dissatisfaction among the Gauls is not because they do not have variety—rather they have too much of it. While we have so little that we are happy with whatever we can get our hands on.

    And this is classic;

    The survey also tells us that

    “Indian bedrooms are the scenes of a range of antics for some, with sensual massage (55 per cent), sexual fantasies (58 per cent) and looking at erotic materials (55 per cent) at the top of the menu. More than a third of Indians also love to include role play (37 per cent) and wearing sexy underwear (34 per cent). Nothing new here of course. Sensual massage of hair with coconut oil/Champi tel has always been an old favorite for many of us , sexual fantasies/role play implies running round the bedpost singing “Janum Jaanejaan”, looking at erotic materials is nothing but reading Times of India together in bed and as for erotic underwear— Rupa Baniyan’s “Yeh andaar ki baat hain”, in case you did not notice, is an obvious Indianization of Victoria’s “secret”.[Look at this Amul Macho ad for yet another example of how erotic lingerie has become a part of the daily life of the common Indian woman.] Indian men have averaged six lovers and women have averaged two, while in the UK the figures are 16 and 10 respectively. Globally men, on average, have 13 partners and women have seven. It’s times like these I feel I have let the country down. Had it not been for me, the average of “lovers for Indian men” would have been seven—I confess that I single-handedly lowered the national average. Here again some naysayers opine, based on the sheer profusion of desperate “fransip” requests sent out by urban males to anyone who has “female” on their Orkut profiles, that the number six is a bit on the high side , a discrepancy that may be explained by a very “loose” definition of “lover” in the survey because of which some men may have counted Madhuri Dixit and even their hands (both left and right) in their list.

    In India teenagers who meet each other for dates like fraps at Barrista or a Sunday matinee refer to themselves as “having an affair“, so I see the reality in what his humour is trying to convey.

    I however have no such doubts as for me the results of the Durex sex survey are beyond question, occupying a position of reliability and authenticity somewhere between the results of a Pakistani election and an Indian politician’s declaration of assets.

    Funny.

  33. Skepmod, yeah my aunt did, after a bit of giggling. I was blabbing about my bf, so I guess she felt secure. My uncle would probably be mortified if he knew.

  34. Btw, can someone with a numbers-oriented brain tell me how it is possible for, globally, men to have more lovers than women? Each hetero encounter requires one man, one woman, so how is it possible that men average higher all the time? Esp when you consider all the female prostitutes/escorts out there. Who are those men having sex with, inflatable dolls?

  35. 2008 is our year people!

    We’ve got to work longer hours, be harder and do it until we get it right!

  36. Btw, can someone with a numbers-oriented brain tell me how it is possible for, globally, men to have more lovers than women? Each hetero encounter requires one man, one woman, so how is it possible that men average higher all the time? Esp when you consider all the female prostitutes/escorts out there. Who are those men having sex with, inflatable dolls?

    Easy: Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

  37. We’re happier lovers than Pakistan!!!!

    Wooooo hooooo!!!!!!!!!

    Third in the sex happiness league above Pakistan!!!!!

    Yaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

  38. Btw, can someone with a numbers-oriented brain tell me how it is possible for, globally, men to have more lovers than women? Each hetero encounter requires one man, one woman, so how is it possible that men average higher all the time? Esp when you consider all the female prostitutes/escorts out there. Who are those men having sex with, inflatable dolls?

    Read the comments in this link, they did the math; http://greatbong.net/2007/10/04/lau-lau-lau/

  39. 74% of Indians don’t hesitate to tell their partners about their preferences in bed

    Really??I did it only once…told her she wasn’t the first preference..experience taught me not to do that again.

  40. 74% of Indians don’t hesitate to tell their partners about their preferences in bed

    Hmmm… maybe the new generation of urban 20-40 somethings. Everyone else and especially the ones over 50, I doubt.

  41. “No Wonder We’re One Billion Strong…and Growing”

    WE???

    you mean THEY. The study compared Indians…not Americans of Indian Origin.

  43. Indians came third on the sex index with 61% of the respondents saying they were fully satisfied with their sex lives.
    Indian men have averaged six lovers and women have averaged two, while in the UK the figures are 16 and 10 respectively. Globally men, on average, have 13 partners and women have seven

    In other words most of the indians in this poll claim to be fully satisfied sexually despite experiencing well below the global average in sexual variety.

  44. WE???
    you mean THEY. The study compared Indians…not Americans of Indian Origin.

    Did you feel a wave of smug awesomeness envelop you, after you left that comment? I mean, you’re on a petty roll today, between this and the news tab. Make sure you list “picking nits” and “potentially, unintentially insulting others” under your “interests” on whatever SNP you prefer.

    Here’s a hint for those who are humor-challenged: if a post is filed under HUMOR that means it’s just meant to be funny. Not necessarily accurate, serious or otherwise burdened with the weight of identity issues, i.e. who is a you and who is a we.

  45. In other words most of the indians in this poll claim to be fully satisfied sexually despite experiencing well below the global average in sexual variety.

    well i don’t think sleeping with more people necessarily means you’re more satisfied. i think the opposite it true actually, but that’s just me.

  46. 74% of Indians don’t hesitate to tell their partners about their preferences in bed

    I make my preferences clear in bed… I want the left side.

  48. Another hint for you. Just because something is filed under humor section does not mean it is funny.

  49. Assholes are like opinions, everybody got to have one Shootin in the sky tryin to blast the sun -meth, “simon says (remix)”

  50. A general point for those who are confused…and others:

    HUMOR does not mean that we’re trying to imitate Judd Apatow, Tina Fey, Chris Rock or your choice of “funny person”. It generally means, “this post is lighthearted”, “this post is fun” and most of all, “this post is not meant to be picked apart and over-examined or debated”.

    I read your past comments, when a current one gets my attention. Some of you look for any opportunity to marginalize, criticize, otherize, divide. If the terms “south asian”, “ABCD”, “Indian”, “we” or now, “humor” are used, you pounce gleefully. Please delight in knowing that you are succeeding with your mission to turn people off, which is notable, since Indians are more turned on than anyone (except Nigerians and Mexicans).