Category Archives: Humor

My yoga is unstoppable

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When I was younger, I was always jealous of the other Asian kids. Why? Because they had kick-ass unarmed martial arts. A Chinese kid could say “Hey, don’t mess with me – I know Kung Fu like Bruce Lee!” What was I going to say in response – “Well, I know Ahimsa like Gandhi?”

And it wasn’t just the Chinese kids. If you were Korean, you could say you knew TaeKwanDo. If you were Japanese, obviously you could claim to know Karate. Sure, India does have martial arts like gatka, wrestling, and Kalaripayattu but nobody had heard of those and I couldn’t even pronounce “Kalaripayattu.”

In fact, the physical activity that India is most known for is Yoga. I like Yoga but it’s not very macho, and how on earth are you going to use it to defend yourself?

In fact, this amazingly paneer filled clip from Yoga vs. Kung Fu is the only time I’ve seen Yoga used in a movie to beat somebody up:

[Yes, it’s dubbed into French. IMHO, that just makes it all better.]

Of course, you could always try to sell Yoga as the perfect adjunct to a more bloodthirsty activity, like shooting guns:

You shoot better when you realize that your soul is a leaf falling through time, and that work shouldn’t equal struggle. And yoga never aligns you with the universe better than when your forearm is still tingling from the buck and recoil of a .357 bullpup.
Someone needs to open a combination shooting range and yoga studio. I’m serious. Maybe I should do it. Hose off a few clips of Glaser safety slugs, then see how deep you can go into Warrior II. The murder rate would go down. No, wait — it would stay the same, but people would realize it’s all part of a bigger plan. [Link]

Maybe that’s the best way to make Yoga more effective as a tool for avenging the wrong done to your master – do Yoga softly, but carry a big Dandasana.

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55Friday: The “There is a Light That Never Goes Out” Edition

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I wore burnt orange and maroon today, did you? I almost feel guilty hosting a flash fiction fete on a day which is dominated by vigils and remembrance. But maybe this is exactly what we need, maybe this will be an outlet or a distraction or a comforting little bit of familiar. There is no theme this week; the title song is there for an entirely different reason than “usual”. It is one of my favorite songs of all time and it means quite a bit to me. It conjures youth, loss, sadness, faith and eternity the moment I hear its first few notes. It is what I listened to when I wrote a letter to Minal Panchal on Tuesday. It’s a song which moves me, which breaks my heart a little whenever I hear it and that is why I can’t get it out of my head.

::

Write 55 words about whatever moves you and post it below. If you can’t do that, but you can write a poem, a haiku or a slightly shorter or longer piece of flash fiction, feel free. While I usually try and insist on adhering to the 55-word shape, this is a week for inclusion, sharing and acceptance, so whatever you want to leave is welcome. Continue reading →

Be bold if you want to succeed

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You may have heard that recently a desi furniture retailer in Toronto got into a bit of hot water for selling a sofa with the tag shown below to a black family (Candians of Ghanaian origin). As paragons of racial sensitivity and spin, we thought Sepia Mutiny should offer some public relations advice to our Canadian brethren.

1. Respond to the customer’s complaints right away

The day after the discovery was made, Moore says that she called Vanaik Furniture and Mattress store, where the purchase was made, to address the issue. But her phone call was unreturned. At least three other calls were made to the store. Those were unreturned as well. [Link]

Don’t make the customer chase you, it looks bad. And don’t leave the sofa with a customer who is offended by it. Instead, offer to take the sofa back right away. Remember, this is one of your best selling pieces of furniture and you can charge a notoriety premium if you auction it on eBay. Put the tag proudly on display and sell it to the highest bidder. The only color that matters is green.

2. The best defense is a good offense

Your response thus far has been to pass the buck, which is OK for a start. So Romesh Vanaik, owner of Vanaik Furniture, blamed his supplier, Paul Kumar of Cosmos Furniture, who blamed the Chinese manufacturer, who blamed the company that made the auto-translation software, which blamed the out of date dictionary it was using [Link].

You really should go a lot further, though, and seize the initiative. Mount a press conference, stating that you are gravely offended that the Chinese have wrongly appropriated this term when they should have used “Macaca Brown” or “In need of Fair-and-Lovely Brown” instead. Use this press conference as an opportunity to announce your new dining sets, offered in Chinky Yellow, Redneck Pink and Lazy Injun Red.

3. Never plead ignorance, it makes you look weak.

Romesh Vanaik, owner of Vanaik Furniture … added that he had not known the meaning of the N-word. “It’s amazing. I’ve been here since 1972 and I never knew the meaning of this word,” said Vanaik, a native of India. [Link]

Big mistake. Ignorance is no excuse and who will ever believe you’ve been in Canada for 30 years without knowing what that word means? Instead, advertise your racial behavior proudly. Tell them that it doesn’t matter when a macaca does it, since we’re not white we can’t be racist! Furthermore, point out that this is proud part of Indian culture. Then announce a “West Indian week” where all the workers show up in blackface, just like in this Indian TV show [via UB]:

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The Chaat of Destiny

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Some paragraphs were accidentally omitted from Somini Sengupta’s recent article on Chaat and other Delhi street foods in the New York Times. Because I am a super-devoted-Somini Sengupta groupie (a “Sengroupie,” you could call me), I was sent the missing paragraphs as a gift, under strict order not to reveal my sources:

The reporter visits a lost alleyway in Mastinagar, a suburb of Delhi. In the alley are an endless variety of special chaat stalls unknown to western taste-buds and unimagined by western food tourists. This is as “street” as it gets; if pressed, the people of this alley all state that they have never been near an air-conditioner or even a piece of plastic. Indeed, it is highly unclear whether the residents of Mastinagar have ever been outside Mastinagar, or even know that their “Shehr” is in the city and state of Delhi (indeed, one resident referred to the city, rather anachronistically, as “Tughlakabad”). In the lost alley, one finds an almost infinite variety of Chaats, some of which were tasted by a reporter. A short list of the highlights follows:

Orientalist Chaat: This type of chaat will fulfill all your desires for mystical knowledge and understanding, and set your brain on fire. If this chaat is eaten, it is said, the eater will learn a thousand yoga poses (a DVD is included), a thousand Sanskrit chants that will lead to Enlightenment, and perpetual unity of mind and body in pure relaxation bliss. After eating, you will have reached the other side of the moon, tasted the stars, found the ergonomically perfect chair, and finally know the answer to the question, Why Did the Bodhi-Dharma Leave For the East? (NOTE: Insiders report that Orientalist Chaat is exactly the same as regular Chaat, only 10,000 times more expensive.)

Erotic Chaat: This chaat is an aphrodisiac composed entirely of garlic and crushed Viagra powder. Not especially tasty, but surprisingly “potent,” as a reporter subsequently discovered.

Chaat Feng Shui: This Chaat, which is composed entirely of wind, water, and garam masala, is not meant to be eaten, but rather dispersed around a room in need of redecoration. Pirated Chaat Feng Shui originates from China, which continues to flood the Indian market with inexpensive rip-offs of actual Feng Shui. Continue reading →

DC: Brunch Meetup THIS Sunday? [UPDATED]

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We’ve had some rough times in the bunker…when Manish and Vinod first broke up…when Ennis was told he couldn’t smuggle anymore adoring groupies in and pass them off as interns…when Manish and Vinod broke up again…when the lemurs went on strike to protest the lack of parties…when one of our guest bloggers developed a very rare allergic reaction to…ah, never mind.

My point is, what we faced before were minor challenges; this has been a rather difficult week, as we confronted far more sobering matters, which affected us all. This week, we dealt with real pain, as tragedy reminded us of how fleeting life actually is. Such “big news” always means more traffic, which means more moderating and more possibilities for this or worse, this.

So, I’m a little down right now and I know many of you are, too. This is what I propose to lift our sepia spirits: an eleventh-hour sort of meetup at reliable and hospitable Heritage India this weekend. Perhaps what this community needs is…more community. Let’s bond, y’all! You know you want to. All are welcome: trolls, lurkers, smurfs and elves included. Vogons, however, will not be tolerated, since it’s highly possible that they might be feeling poetic and no one deserves that.

We can do brunch like we did the first time we were there, at the third DC Meetup or we can have dinner like we did the last time we were there, at the fourth DC meetup which was also our first-ever SM Channukah extravaganza. No, that wasn’t convoluted at all. 😉 The more significant issue is that we haven’t met up in FOUR MONTHS.

Dinner on Saturday, April 21 at 8ish

or

Brunch on Sunday, April 22 at Noonish it is!

Either way, I feel like it is an apposite time to revisit Heritage; I’ve had a sad sort of craving for Golgoppas and I’d like to sate that, in memory of someone else who loved them.

FYI: Heritage is Metro accessible (Red line).

Heritage India Brasserie
1337 Connecticut Ave NW
Washington, DC 20036
(202) 331-1114

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Clinton Endorses Malakar?

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In further American Idol Idiocy news, Senator Bharat Obama isn’t the only Democratic Presidential contender being linked to our papaya Sanjaya! I am telling you, I can’t make up shit this good:

During a radio call-in on WOKQ-FM, Sen. Hillary Clinton was asked what the United States can do about Malakar, the Fox television show’s underdog candidate who critics say lacks any shred of talent.
“That’s the best question I’ve been asked in a long time,” Clinton said. “Well, you know, people can vote for whomever they want. That’s true in my election, and it’s true on ‘American Idol.’ “ [linkaya]

That’s right, America.

YOU ARE FREE TO VOTE FOR OUR PAPAYA!

In unrelated idiocy, it seems the utterly uncalled-for, haterade-fueled hunger strike against our cutie-patootie wasn’t pathetic enough; someone has exiled themselves to the roof of a car dealership, to protest Sanjaya’s winning streak:

The producer of “Chio In The Morning” on WRDW-FM in Philadelphia has been living in a little tent on top of the roof of a local Toyota dealership for the last week.
He’s battled rain and wind — but swears he won’t leave while Sanjaya remains on “Idol.” [linkaya]

No matter where you stand on Papaya, can we all just send Sanjaya Malakar a rousing chorus of “THANKS, FOR THE MEMORIES”? You must admit, this is ridiculously entertaining.

More power to you SM. And I’m not just saying that because you have bomb initials. 😉 Continue reading →

ShameShame! Paint a Vulgar Picture, Shilpa.

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Okay, I lowe my Yindia and all, but these are the sorts of “news” stories which make me want to smack a few hundred million people upside the head. Come ON, Eileen. Yes, it was the wrong thing to do. Yes, it was crass. Yes, Indian culture demands modesty and decorum blah blah blah. But listen, shining India— if you want the world to take you seriously, try learning methods of protesting shit which do NOT involve screaming death threats and effigy burning, aight?

Pretty please? No? Sigh. I tried. Via the BBC (Thanks, JPT):

Actor Richard Gere has sparked protests in India after kissing Celebrity Big Brother winner Shilpa Shetty at an Aids awareness rally in New Delhi. Demonstrators in Mumbai (Bombay) set light to effigies of the Hollywood star, while protesters in other cities shouted “death to Shilpa Shetty”.
The protesters said Gere insulted Indian culture by kissing the hand and face of the Bollywood actress.

Indian culture was later overheard stating, “Gimme a frickin’ break. There are hundreds of other things I find far more insulting– Anand Jon, for example.” ShameShameShilpa responded thusly:

Shetty downplayed the incident, saying “it was not so obscene”.
“This was not such a big thing for people to over-react in such a manner,” the actress told the Press Trust of India news agency.
“I understand people’s sentiments, but I don’t want a foreigner to take bad memories from here. I understand this is his culture, not ours,” she added.

I don’t know Shilpaji…I think the “his culture, not ours” strategery is the wrong approach; everyone already knows that his culture is all cheee! . Why not enlist the Dalai Lama’s help or something? Isn’t that the whole reason Gere is down vith the brown?

Anyroad, if India had remained in the world cup, would the media give two tattis about this? A Cricket dilettante would love to know:

The kissing scenes were regularly played on Indian TV, with some viewers commenting on Gere’s actions, while Indian newspapers carried the picture on their front pages.

Now you know why the song in my head is…in my head (and in our title!):

Protesters said his embrace of one of the country’s leading ladies had been “vulgar” and demanded an apology from the film star.

Ha! Typical blame the victim/blame the woman mentality. What next, because of that flimsy outfit and all that lipgloss, she was asking for it? Oy, my head hurts. Continue reading →

Do I Make You Offended Baby, Do I?

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I had heard about, made a mental note to blog about and then promptly forgotten Tanqueray’s newest offering– Tanqueray Rangpur Distilled Gin –until one of you alkies Sena X thoughtfully reminded me of it via our News Tab. Sena X posted a link to YouTube, where a mini-movie starring Tony Sinclair (who always reminds me more of Austin Powers than a “highly-esteemed socialite”) had been deposited in what I’m guessing is a bit of viral marketing (though the YTer’s other videos seem to have nothing to do with Tanqueray, liquor or other products, in general).

I watched the 9:53 extended commercial, which is a bit of a parody of one of my favorite shows, Globe Trekker, except in this spoof, it’s “Globe Probe“. When it was finished, I experienced a cocktail of mixed emotions, none of which I shall list, lest I somehow dilute the experience of watching it for yourselves, like one too many ice cubes in my Gold and coke. How many cliches can you spot? The winner gets…something. 😉

Seriously though– are any of you offended by this video? Amused? Indifferent? Is it as disrespectful as deities on knickers or nowhere close? I am sincerely curious as to what the Mutiny’s take on this is, considering the video’s plethora of orientalist stereotypes which got my eyes-rolling…do y’all think it is zimbly cute or utterly obnoxious?

p.s. For a ten-minute alcohol ad/movie that gets the job done so well, it ends up on our banners, get nostalgic with Mulit, here. Continue reading →

…but carry a big stick

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Evil Abhi: Oh no. Not another f*cking cricket post. Just kill me now.

Abhi: Come on, don’t be so mean. Some SM readers actually like cricket.

Evil Abhi: Why? Unless you trying to save your rainless Indian village from the British Empire, cricket sucks.

Abhi: Dude, you need to chill. You are insulting a game loved by millions as well as its fans.

Evil Abhi: All these cricket posts are ruining our prrrecioussss blog.

Abhi: Ok fine. I’ll just post an interesting picture then. I know you’re cool with pretty pictures.

Evil Abhi: Oohhh, look at the hobbittses.

Abhi: Dude, Sri Lanka just whooped new Zealand.

Evil Abhi: Hit it brown. Hit it.

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