For those of us who are so wishing that the public’s fascination with arranged marriages was over, well … it’s not. Back in 2005, there was a lot of buzz [including here] around financial writer Anita Jain’s New York magazine article “Is Arranged Marriage Really Any Worse Than Craigslist?” So much so that she got a book deal out of it.
Next month, her memoir Marrying Anita: A Quest for Love in the New India will be published in the UK, US, and India by Bloomsbury. 
The book is being pitched as a “witty, confessional memoir” that simultaneously records Jain’s romantic quest and the story of “a country modernizing at breakneck speed.” The big question it asks: Is the new urban Indian culture in which she’s searching for a husband really all that different from America? Has globalization changed the face of arranged marriage
I want to groan, but I’m trying to be openminded and wait till I’ve actually read the book. I can’t help it though. The red flags go up in my mind when I hear about another arranged marriage book. And, now, this one combines that with another buzz word “globalization.” Is this the chick lit version of Thomas Friedman’s “The World is Flat”?
[Below the fold, glimpses of an excerpt which appeared at the Guardian last weekend.] At the Guardian is “The Marrying Kind,” an excerpt from the book. In the following section, Anita decides to move to India to find a husband.
In my three years in New York, I didn’t come close to even one romantic relationship. Dating felt like an absurd cat-and-mouse game, where people were more concerned about what they could get away with than with settling down. Despairing of another summer of Sunday brunches with the stodgy and unresponsive company of the New York Times, I knew I had to leave New York, but where could I go?
That was when I began to think of going to India. There are more men in India than women, around 930 women to every 1,000 men, according to recent census data, the discrepancy a disturbing result of infanticide and sex-segregated abortion. So I figured my options were simply more plentiful in India. In cities such as Delhi and Mumbai, the vast majority of marriages were still arranged, but I’d also heard that a culture of dating and sleeping around was gaining ground. Nonetheless, in India, a desire to be married wasn’t at loggerheads with the advances for which feminists had struggled.
People commonly go to India to find themselves or find God, but I went to find a husband. I would give myself a year, which I figured was ample time in such a marriage-oriented society. I wondered if I’d be able to find someone modern enough in his thinking to be comfortable with a wife making decisions for the household and having a full life outside the marriage – one that included going out with friends, drinking and smoking. A woman who has had sex in the past – and not just with long-term boyfriends.
So, how, the Guardian editors ask in the story’s head, “Would Delhi men cope with a Harvard-educated working woman? And what happened when her father placed an advert seeking a ‘broad-minded groom’?”
Anita’s dad, we discover, apparently has too-high expectations of sealing the deal during his six-week trip to India. His optimistism yields to a trickle of responses which are followed by disappointing in-person meetings. At an encounter with a corporate lawyer, the following ensues:
My father wants to see if there is more to the fellow. He believes only one question is required to take the measure of a man. Leaning in, he carefully chooses his words in Hindi: “If my daughter Anita is sick and cannot cook, who would cook dinner?”
Waving his hand as if shooing away a fly, Vinod answers, “I have a maid.”
Knowing how decisive the question is, Papa gives him another chance. “The maid is sick. Who cooks?”
“I have two maids,” he says, notching up his attitude of arrogant dismissiveness.
“Your other maid is sick, too. Who cooks?” my father says, relentlessly.
“I’d hire a third,” Vinod says, unblinkingly.
Neither is backing down. It is a face-off. “Forget the bloody maids! What do you do?” Papa bellows.
Gulp, at the end of all these examples, wouldn’t the average reader be left with the feeling that there are no broadminded men in India? Or is this just the excerpt that was chosen because it was deemed “juicy” enough to boost sales? (I know many progressive and broadminded desi men, my husband included, so am really hoping that this book is more than your stereotypical arranged marriage kahani. My copy of the book is on the way so stay tuned.)
For those in the NY area, the author will be reading with Sandeep Jauhar at the Asian American Writers Workshop on August 7. Details here.
141 · HMF said
I could be wrong, but a quick look at the stats indicate that male and female US raised desis go back to the desh to marry at similar rates, 18% or men and and even higher 23% for women.
i got this number by taking the middle column, where the “subject” spouse is a US-raised desi, using the % of those who married “asian indian” (73.3% for men) and subtracted out the 3rd column, that only included US raised who marry other US raised(56.7% for men), therby leaving only those who married foreign-born asian indians.
now this is an imperfect calculation for a variety of reasos (like since the women marry non-desis at a lower rate than men in the first column, but higher in the 3rd and i suppose its possible that the women married mostly european indian men, not from the desh, but that sounds unlikely) but i think it gives us a better indication of reality than HMF personal observations.
http://www.asian-nation.org/printer/interracial.html
Well thank you for telling a desi girl how she thinks. Clearly I’ve been wrong all along about my own motives!
Do you live in America? From this line “I know that in my country South American desis aren’t ‘beta males’ ” it seems not, and that’s a stark difference, as you really won’t be familiar with the attitudes prevalent here. And conversely, any conclusions I draw wouldn’t apply to your own motives.
You haven’t taken into account either than desi women might actually prefer dating desi men because of shared cultural background?
No I do, but this still doesn’t take away from the alpha/beta dichotomy.
1. I wasn’t attracted to them and 2. didn’t have anything in common with them.
Define “attracted” what about them dis-attracted you?
Being not in the – ah – privileged position of viewing U.S. media, I don’t see how someone’s brainwashed ideals can trump over actual instincts and feelings.
Hello.. it’s the reason why cops are more “on edge” with “trigger fingers” in black neighborhoods like Harlem, it’s exactly because brainwashing and socialization contributes to development of those “instincts” and “feelings”
and if your interests don’t converge with those of most desi men in your enviroment then there’s really no point in dating them.
What “interests” would desi men have together as a block that would bar them from being dated? See, it’s behavioral.
I’ll give you an example to illustrate the potency of color. A desi girl dates 5 desi men sequentially, has bad experiences with all of them, she concludes “all desi men are….”
she dates 5 white men, has bad experiences, and relegates the experience to THOSE INDIVIDUALS, she doesn’t graft it to larger principles describing all white men (of course, when it’s more justified in that case, as white men as a group only exist in a larger scheme of racial superiority)
And perhaps should look a little beyond the United States
Well that might be instructive in an academic sense, but the book said she lived in NY.
therby leaving only those who married foreign-born asian indians
You are wrong, this doesn’t mean they went back to India for that specific purpose. I think women here would agree that women “go back” for husbands at a much lower rate, and in fact have aversions to doing so.
153 · HMF said
i was only adresing your assertion that “it is something so rarely done” for females, which is apparently incorect.
i was only adresing your assertion that “it is something so rarely done” for females, which is apparently incorect.
by “it” I was referring to the act of going back to India for the purpose of obtaining a spouse. As described in the book.
155 · HMF said
so? the data indicates you’re probably wrong. i know its possible you may still be right, but possibility isn’t probablity. shouldn’t you at least give pause? especially since your theories have no data backing them up.
I mean earlier you where so sure “nearly all of the interracial relationships in the south asian community are indian women/white male” but the data i supplied indicates otherwise. but you persist. it just seems so personal that you don’t want to let it go. we all have personal biases but thats what data is for.
I mean earlier you where so sure “nearly all of the interracial relationships in the south asian community are indian women/white male” but the data i supplied indicates otherwise. but you persist. it just seems so personal that you don’t want to let it go.
No, you didn’t provide data that indicates otherwise. you provided marriage data which says nothing about general dating relationships.
Au contraire. It is precisely what it’s cracked up to be – for a period of time.
However, as we mature into our 30’s, both men and women desire more stability and commitment.
If there is anyone who has anything against 20 something males or females sowing their youthful oats while they can, then, such a person would not be a desirable spouse for those of us who live abundantly. However, once we do commit to marriage, we are able to be faithful.
and desi women love to get their [white] f*ck on, as evidenced by the subject of this very blog post.
One thing that bothers women greatly about desi guys is the intense ma-beta relationship they got going on.
Western men are, generally speaking, much more independent at an earlier age than desi men. If that’s “alpha” then so be it. It’s just a cultural thing in my opinion.
I appreciate a strong mother-son bond, but there are limits, for God’s sake.
Other than that, I find many desi men to be attractive dating partners, and desi women are also attractive. I don’t agree that fair skin is more beautiful than brown.
Au contraire. It is precisely what it’s cracked up to be – for a period of time
that’s my point, it’s short term “fun”, so Desh is like one big “beta provider factory” but for women, it’s a bit strange because they go there despite their not wanting someone entrenched in “traditional” values, where as the men who go there, want someone who IS entrenched.
You asked for the reason differences, there you go.
I have no problem with a girl fucking white guys then going to India and wanting someone stable, just don’t delude yourself into thinking you arrived at notions of who’s “attractie” independently.
157 · HMF said
wrong. marriage is a huge part of relationships, obviously. and the data indicates that male and female US raised desis (those most affected by the US media and culture) marry whites at similar rates (18.5 for males, 18.9 for females, a mere.4% point difference).
as i said, i know its possible for you to still be right in the bizarre scenario that the dating stats are nearly 100% white male/desi female, but what are the odds?
the partial data indicates you are most likely completely wrong. shouldn’t you at least give pause to what you’re saying or tone it down when the data is indicating otherwise?
if you throw out theories w/o having any burden of proof on your end, and say you’ll continue to believe them until someone proves you wrong with mathematical certainty…well that’s how people end up looking cultish.
So you’re saying white men are not stable? Hmmmm.
You are missing my point. My premise is that their 20s, most men and women are not stable or looking for stability. That changes for everyone as their 30s roll around. Desi or not, male or female, youth is for fun.
My premise is that desi men and women both look for desis more than non-desis when it comes to marriage – for cultural compatibility. And within that, they look for men or women who are sexy. Everyone wants a sexy, but committed, spouse.
Dating is a different game. I don’t require alot of cultural compatibility from my casual dating partners. Only when I’m interested in a long-term serious relationship do I require cultural compatibility.
What about you? What do you require/
wrong. marriage is a huge part of relationships,
are you that stupid, to not realise the intuitive truth of interracial dating being a much smaller ‘cultural hurdle’ than interracial marriage?
Your marriage stats say nothing of interracial relationships other than provide a small subset, which supports my argument 36% to 31%
well that’s how people end up looking cultish.
This from someone who listens to Rush Limbaugh
Your data is incomplete, your analysis of that data is flawed, and your negligence of common sense if a geyser sprouting 24/7.
152 · HMF said
I am from Europe, where the situation is rather different – men of Moroccan or Turkish descent are seen as the undesirable ones, due to the perception that these men come from backward cultures where women are violently oppressed. This in combination with Muslim religion(Islam and the regional origins of the men are regularly conflated) This is made more problematic by several cases of violence by young Muslim men directed either against those who in their mind insulted the Islam or against educated Muslim girls they married(in such case the man is from a more rural area in Turkey/Morocco). Furthermore Poles and other Eastern Europeans aren’t looked on too kindly either, but that is not really in the context of love and marriage. All of this is xenophobic with some racism intermingled.
No I do, but this still doesn’t take away from the alpha/beta dichotomy. I understand the idea behind the dichtomy, but how can a desi guy be a beta male if he has such a leg up over a white man in that respect? Especially since many many factors play into ‘attraction’, it isn’t simply a question of social status and a lot of girls I know simply don’t care about the money their man makes. If they’re well-educated, good-looking girls, why would they? The white men I know with the most ‘job potential’, the ones into Law and Medicine, are often bloated, beer-swilling(in gallons), sweaty, racist, chauvinist fraternity pigs. Excuse the generalisation, but some of you might be able to picture what i’m talking about, I have no love for them lol I seriously don’t know what sort of desi girls you know, but by the look of it I should probably bring along a wooden stake and garlic if I ever meet them!
Define “attracted” what about them dis-attracted you? I don’t want to go too much into details here, but aside from looks that didn’t really appeal to me, we really didn’t have much in common. I am atheist, they were religious; completely different interests: I love a wide variety of music and going to gigs, they were not particularly into that; we came from completely different social backgrounds in one case; he grew up in India and I didn’t, massive cultural difference there; my ideas and interests don’t tend to fall along the ‘mainstream’ expectations of desi women; and on and on.
Hello.. it’s the reason why cops are more “on edge” with “trigger fingers” in black neighborhoods like Harlem, it’s exactly because brainwashing and socialization contributes to development of those “instincts” and “feelings” I understand that, but that’s a completely different issue from who desi women choose as their life partner…
What “interests” would desi men have together as a block that would bar them from being dated? See, it’s behavioral. I suppose the use of the words ‘most’and ‘your environment’ didn’t give my question enough specificity…anyway like I said before it’s a matter of personal interests. I do what I do and my ideal partner has interests that converge on some points with mine. Isn’t it obvious? Girls have hobbies just like guys, they like to go clubbing or to gigs, they might like travelling, or discussing philosophy, who knows…and it would be rather boring with a partner without compatible personality + similar interests…
I’ll give you an example to illustrate the potency of color. A desi girl dates 5 desi men sequentially, has bad experiences with all of them, she concludes “all desi men are….”
she dates 5 white men, has bad experiences, and relegates the experience to THOSE INDIVIDUALS, she doesn’t graft it to larger principles describing all white men (of course, when it’s more justified in that case, as white men as a group only exist in a larger scheme of racial superiority) 1. Who is ‘this desi girl’? Since you’re American you have numbers on your side, I’d like to see hard facts… 2. Pool of desi guys being much smaller than white guys, sample size thus much more likely leading to generalizing conclusion. It’s all in the math, dude.
Well that might be instructive in an academic sense, but the book said she lived in NY. Yeah, but you’re now not really limiting yourself to Ms. Jain’s writings are you? Also, isn’t it the biggest compliment that the lady in question dated so many guys of other races but chose to settle down with an Indian.
164 · HMF said
wrong. the 36-31 differential makes your assertion that, “nearly all of the interracial relationships in the south asian community are indian women/white male” almost certainly wrong.
Furthermore, its the middle column that’s more relevant, since it restricts the subject spouse to US-raised desis (those most affected by US media and culture, as you argue) but allows them to marry foreign-borns. so for example, it will include the desi chick who marries a swede while the third column erases her. here the desi male marries white 18.5% of the time while females clock in at 18.9, an insignificant .4% point difference.
164 · HMF said
sure, but that’s not a variable is it? rater its a constant. the same hold true for men. perhaps even more so for men if a higher % of them are allowed by their parents to date whites. anecdotally, that seems to be the case, but i’m open to data.
Like I said, cultural compatibility. It’s very important – for marriage, not dating.
And yeah, I find brown and black guys way more attractive in general than white ones.
I know the beer gut types Meena is talking about. Who cares how much $$$ they make. They do not inspire romance.
If anything, that attitude is what turns off women from desi men.
Being “allowed by their parents to date”, or not. And that even in adulthood.
That is the only drawback, otherwise they are good to go.
164 · HMF said
but you have no data and therefore no analysis of it. for the record i’m open to theories of white privilege but the gendered way you presented is completely unsupported by data, and the data available indicates you’re probably completely wrong.
I’d like to know HMF’s dating history. He seems bitter.
I think we all have a tendency to universalize our own experiences. So HMF’s theories feel right to some, but don’t to others.
169 · International Enquirer said
and according to the stats they’re going. I was a little surprised myself.
but how can a desi guy be a beta male if he has such a leg up over a white man in that respect?
Exactly for that reason, the ‘leg up’ he has in that respect is what MAKES him Beta!
I understand that, but that’s a completely different issue from who desi women choose as their life partner…
ugh. no its not, Because its a decision that’s usually made (not the life partner part, but the initial attraction part) in a fraction of a second. Read ‘blink’
Also, isn’t it the biggest compliment that the lady in question dated so many guys of other races but chose to settle down with an Indian.
NO! it’s absolutely not! It’s the biggest insult! It’s saying, I had to get my sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere, and I’ll settle for you for all the beta characteristics you have! It’s not a compliment for a woman to treat me like an ATM machine!
Pool of desi guys being much smaller than white guys, sample size thus much more likely leading to generalizing conclusion. It’s all in the math, dude.
It has nothing to do with math and all in perception. In south africa you’d find the same thing , where blacks out number whites.
Besides, the generalisations are drawn much stronger on desi guys in India… whre the population is 500,000 approximtely.
so the numbers, in this regard, are moot.
but nice try.
So HMF’s theories feel right to some, but don’t to others.
they feel right to those with eyes, an optic nerve, and a brain.
175 · HMF said
but not those with statistics
OK HMF – do you then think that desi guys date non-desi women coz they are more sexually attractive and satisfying and then settle down with and marry desi women because they are not???
Pardesi Gori aka International Enquirer what mental hospital do you currently reside in? And if you don’t then seriously check yourself in pronto!
And I’d like to know what makes you think sexy non-desi guys can’t be good provider types as well, and what makes you think good desi provider types can’t be sexy and good in bed as well?
More
fuel for the firefodder for the discussion: Pakistani-American father strangles his 25 year old daughter for wanting to divorce out of her arranged marriage.Someone asserted ABD Girl ‘baggage’ as past sexual history. That is hardly the complete picture. DBD guys and girls and to a good extent ABD guys have a normal growth pattern. They go through most of the motions of ‘coming to age’. OTOH, ABD girls are provided much less freedom until the mid 20s. They grow up emotionally stunted even when compared to DBD girls from the Middle/Upper classes of Mumbai or Delhi. That is one of the reasons ABD guys have a wedding excurion to India.
Harbeer, that was on the news here in Atlanta. Someone needs to strangle that mofo. 54 Year old pakistani strangles his 25 year old daughter. What kind of monster does that? And what is in the water here? First that Indian mofo hires a hitman to kill his black daughter in law. Now this.
Good tabular definition of the various grades of alpha/beta male characteristics here …. Alphas definitely rule.
but you have no data and therefore no analysis of it.
my data is mostly anecdotal, but Im providing a substantive discussion of the social history of this country to support that data (because Im arguing that white male/indian female make up the bulk of interracial relationships – not specifically marriage – but a much broader category)
Now lets look at your argument to using the 2nd column, you say including foreign borns as potential spouses is more accurate, I say no, because the definition of US born is pretty loose here, age 13 or below, so someone of age 13 would obviously be more pre-disposed to marry a foreign born…
the column to look at is #3, because it puts all at the same level playing field. either way the discussion is moot because it doesn’t take into account the myriad of relationships that didn’t end in marriage , most of which are white male/desi female.
HMF, Are you accounting for the “desi man/white mistress” phenomenon when you speak of interracial relationships broadly speaking??!! How would you like it if I started downloading my anecdotal evidence about that, contra your theory? You should give Manju some credit for taking you seriously, and trying to provide some evidence–it does problematize your view–sheesh.
well i don’t totally dimiss the anecdotal, but you must concede its extremely vulnurable to observer biases, especially considering this is a topic that’s clearly of great emotional significnce to you.
well, that’s the problem. the data should support the theory not vice versa… or else you end up like the marxist dislectic. Your choosing a narrative over the data, which doesn’t mean your narrative is neceesarily falese, but perhaps not as all-emcompasing as you believe.
honestly, i’ve anecdotally not noticed this. earier you extended this theory out to all people of color in the US, but the fact that hispanics and blacks clearly dont fit this mold (especially blacks, where 70% of the interracial relationships are black male/white women, which is easily confirmed anecdotally) raises the question as to why are desis are alone in being affected by the media’s white male privildge, if they are at all?
i have, however, noticed that it really rings true with non-desi asians and is confirmed by the marriage stats. but they have additional obvious factors of US soldiers bringing home asian brides post-wwi, vietnam, and korea. also to fabled asian fetish, which rivals the blonde fetish at least among white men…connie chung vs. laurie dhue.
well, 13 is pretty young and the 3rd column uses the same definition of US-raised. Also, those coming from india where also subjected to an arguably more intense form fo white prividge, namely a post-colonial hangover. either way, both colums put a serious dent in your thoery that “nearly all of the interracial relationships in the south asian community are indian women/white male”
what are the odds that the dating stats are so divergent from the mere .4% or 5% differntial?
however, its possible that you could keep your white prividge theory if you lose the gendered part.
sorry for the commenturbation, but speaking of post-colonial hangovers, my dad, who considers Independence Day the happiest day of his life, saw the Queen once and considers her the most beautiful women in the world.
that can only be explained by post-colonial studies.
sorry for all the spelling errors…sake tonight. my asian fetish.
Are they? It’s late and I am drunk, but if I am reading the table in your link correctly,
a) In #151, to find the percentage of DBD spouses, don’t we need to compare 73-0.56x with 77-0.54y instead of simply 73-56(~=17) with 77-54(~=23) — where x is the percentage of USR Indian men marrying USR women of any race and y is the percentage of USR Indian women marrying USR men of any race? The link does not give us x and y. If x=75 and y=95, 31% of USR Indian men are going back to desh as opposed to 25% of USR Indian women. Perhaps not as surprising as 17% and 23% respectively.
b) Even if x~=y, you would probably be a little less surprised if you take barbarian invasion into account. USR Indian women don’t have to go back to desh to find DBD men. I am too tired to look up the numbers, but will be surprised if Indian f1/h1/b1 numbers are not heavily gender-skewed.
189 · dipanjan said
dipanjan:
i meant “going” as in “going interracial” in that sentence, with a whopping 26.7% of US-raisied desi males and 22.5% of women marrying outside of the desi race. Yeah, going back to the desh stats are a little harder to figure as i mentioned in #151, but i think this data gives us some idea.
and then how do we account for all those desis who went back to the desh to marry pardesi gori?
and if you use the peculiar 3rd column, hmf’s favorite, a super-whopping 43.3% of desi males are betraying us, while women log in at a 45.8% betrayal rate. These are cenesus #’s, btw.
I’m a tad stunned myself.
189 · dipanjan said
yeah makes sense, but they’re not counted in columns 2 and 3, since the sample spouse has to be US-raised, allowing us to examine the mating habits of desis most exposed to american culture.
I agree with your main argument. Just a couple of minor clarifications. Although not necessarily accurate and higher than the corresponding percentage for USR Indian men, 23% does set a lower limit on %of USR Indian women married to FR Indian men. And that seems a little high to me as well. Perhaps there was a SES bias in our expectations.
193 · dipanjan said
well, one possibility is that the women are unseen. i know a few US-raised women who went back to the desh, some of them blisteringly hot, and they where more or less locked away by strict parents and then sent to india to marry into prominent families. one time, one of them broke out of the house, like she had to hurl the berlin wall, to see a movie with me and my friends…only to have her mom burst into the theatre to retrieve her, as all hell broke loose.
anyway, those where the good old days and i’m not sure that happens anymore, outside of a few loonies in GA as Harbeer informs us. the guys, on the other hand, no matter how traditional, where allowed to go out and sow their oats b/f returning to the desh. so maybe that explains some of the perceptions.
but btw, the differential between males and females marrying whites is really quite stunning for non-desi asians, and is probably causing more than a little consternation in those communities. HMF should really convert to Korean and lead them the promised land.
well i don’t totally dimiss the anecdotal, but you must concede its extremely vulnurable to observer biases, especially considering this is a topic that’s clearly of great emotional significnce to you.
no I don’t concede that, because any emotional significance has been brought on by the observation & subsequent study of social history. You’re flipping the causal agent and the effect here. It’s after seeing so many [failed] white male/indian female relationships (not just marriages mind you) that the theory began to formulate.
raises the question as to why are desis are alone in being affected by the media’s white male privildge, if they are at all?
perhaps its more significant to the “model” part of model minority. Model usually means successful in “white” definitions of success, what’s more succesful that dating a white man?
well, 13 is pretty young and the 3rd column uses the same definition of US-raised.
thats my point the 3rd column provides a level playing field, and is probably why the numbers are as low as 30%, lower that number to 5 years old or younger, the number begins to climb I’d bet.
the differential between males and females marrying whites is really quite stunning for non-desi asians, and is probably causing more than a little consternation in those communities
I agree here actually, that non-desi asian communities have an even larger “white man is inherently better” problem than we do, and it is connected to the “Huy Doi” legacy and servicemen stationed there for so long, and just in general, they’ve been here longer.
but with many of the women (even here) trying to apologize for their inherent biases, by saying things like, “it’s all in the math” and “why should we turn around and discriminate against them” that definitely seems like a direction we’re heading,
As a U.S. raised woman who married someone from India, this is my MAJOR issue with this whole idea of Indian women from the U.S. looking for, and eventually marrying, a groom from India. For many of us born/raised in the U.S., “broadmindedness” includes a whole list of things: equality in household chores, child raising, AND social freedoms. See, it’s that last item–social freedoms–that often causes problems.
Let me break it down: simply put, many men in India’s younger generation today are very helpful to, & respectful of, their wives and do what they can to share the daily load of responsibilities. But, the truth is that MOST men in India, even in the younger generation, have expectations of what a wife should be and should NEVER be.
Anita Jain says she want an India-Indian “modern thinking” man who’s OK with his wife “drinking and smoking…[and with his wife being] a woman who has had sex in the past – and not just with long-term boyfriends.”
Truth is, that’s NOT what most men in India believe and are not OK with that. Yeah, that’s what Indian guys in America, or American men, are alright with. But, I really HATE the notion that in order for a man in India to be considered “broadminded” by a girl from the U.S., he has to be accepting and even cool with the fact that his wife slept around before marriage, that she drinks/smokes, and that she has a busy social life and plan on maintaining her own busy social calendar apart from the marriage. I hate to break it to you, but that is NOT the stuff marriages are made of.
Many, if not most, men in India already have negative attitudes towards Indian women who are born/raised in the U.S. They already think we sleep around, we drink/smoke, know nothing about Indian culture & religion and are basically Indian only by name. I don’t think books like Ms. Jain’s do anything to counter these stereotypes—they reinforce them.
If this is what U.S.-born/raised women are looking for in men from India, I think its pathetic. Ms. Jain, and women of her mindset, are better of staying in the U.S. and living in different states to satisfy their requirements.
Got to agree with HMF, the desi male is a beta male, though not in the way he’s using the term, “beta, idar ou! ma needs you!” , and that is one of the reasons women find non-betas attractive. LOL.
Opinionated, smokers and drinkers need to live with other smokers and drinkers or at least people who are tolerant of their habits. Similarly, as a non-smoker, non-drinker, I would not prefer to live with someone who does smoke and drink. Neither one should feel compelled to give up their habits or to adopt new ones. I have to agree with Jain on that one. Therefore it’s best to marry someone who is on the same page as you, and that is what Jain was looking for. Smart woman.