A guy wrote the following letter to the “Dear Prudence” column at Slate.com:
I am a 25-year-old Indian-American who has been in this country since I was 5. I started dating a Caucasian classmate four and a half years ago in college. The romance bloomed, and we are still together. She is kind, loving, beautiful, and a great inspiration. I see us together for the rest of our lives. There is only one problem: My parents are very traditional Indians and have told me since I was a young boy that they wanted me to have an arranged marriage, and if I did “bring home an American girl” that they would disown me. After two years, I told them about the relationship, and they were rightfully hurt and upset I’d kept it a secret. They say now that they were “joking” about disowning me and that I should have come to them. But it is close to three years later, and my girlfriend has still never met my parents. I greet holidays with a sense of dread because I feel pulled in two different directions. Even when I bring her up in conversation, they quickly change the subject or just walk away. They say that my relationship is just “a phase” and that I will “come to my senses.” I also feel a sense of embitterment from my girlfriend for being completely shunned by her potential in-laws. My parents have told me that they will accept my girlfriend when we become engaged, but by then I fear that their attempt to build bridges will be too little, too late. I know that my parents love me and want the best for me, but is there anything I can do to unharden their hearts? (link)
Prudie’s advice in response to this was pretty good, I thought (read the column to see). But I was wondering — what would you tell this person? Would it be better for him to push his parents, and demand they accept his girlfriend, or is it better to kind of wait and see (until, say, getting engaged)? Do parents really mean it when they say “we’ll disown you,” or is it just something they say?
Finally, do people have experiences of their own along these lines they want to share?
I think it’s a question of people’s values: do they centralize family, or do they centralize ideology? I was just talking to a good friend of mine whose in-laws have had a difficult time accepting her because of religious/cultural/linguistic differences (neither member of the couple is desi). her family appears to centralize blood over ideology so willingly embraced her husband, whereas her husband’s family takes religious doctrine literally; even after they had dated for five years, his parents seemed devastated when they heard of their engagement. (thankfully, they care about their son enough not to have broken off connections…they seem to have begrudgingly accepted the marriage, and are ok with my friend now that they understand that she’s not going anywhere, which is not ideal by any means, but better than outright rejection…always room for growth if people are somewhat open).
I know that my desi parents care way more about their children than any hangups over racial/social/economic/linguistic barriers (even though I’m pushing them further by being involved with someone of the same gender as well).
Why do people here seem to feel that parents should just cheerfully accept whatever it is that we their offspring decide to do, no matter how stomach-churning it might be for them? They are entitled to their views and their reactions. It is for them to decide if their at times extreme reactions and the subsequent consequences are worth it or in fact even proportionate to the perceived ‘crime’…but I sense an attitude here on some people’s parts that it should “all be good”, whatever we want to do should be cool with them.
202 · Amitabh said
I don’t think any of us necessarily expect that our parents will “cheerfully” accept decisions. I also don’t think that people can always make decisions about reactions and consequences in the heat of the moment~some people are not rational, and that’s ok. emotional ways of being are learned and often hard to change. my mother can do that whole dramatic indian black-and-white emotional ranting thing and then calm down and retract what she said. I understand that this is due to her conditioning. I am fine with people being irrational since emotions can often be irrational~I have my own overreactions at times, like last night in an argument with my best friend. but love and honesty helps move us past blockages, and I think that is fine to demand of our parents, and for them to demand it of us.
what I am not fine with is people hardening, creating barriers, or growing aloof. THAT is much more painful.
I also want to say, I have grown so much from my own experiences with familial resistance, and examining my own resistances as well. for instance, I have been triggered when my female friends tell me that they’re dating men twice their age. something about that repulses me~but rather than shutting down (which used to be my response), I’ve learned to be open to the possibility of such relationships working out. I’m an age-ist in my own life, but that doesn’t mean I have to react strongly to others.
193 · baingandabhartha said
but there may always be some “edge” that children, whether they want to or not, may wind up pushing with their parents. There doesn’t have to be, but it’s often the case, and a part of familial evolution and growth.
I’ll share my own story. years ago, I started dating a white woman (I’m a desi woman myself). when it became serious, I told my parents.
my dad dealt with my “coming out” fairly graciously, pointing out himself that there are tons of parents who are unhappy with their children’s choices of mates for petty reasons (that they’re of different castes, different regions of India, etc). nonetheless, he expressed that he hoped I was bisexual so that I could have a husband/family/grandchildren because he thought that would make me well settled and emotionally content throughout my life. I think that as far as differences in understanding go, this is a best-case scenario since my dad is willing to adapt and ultimately accept my decisions and hopefully even understand my experience. I think my dad was absolutely right in recognizing that kids almost inevitably wind up pushing their parents in various ways, especially through their choice of partners. flowing and harmonious connections are lovely and desireable, but resistance can be an important and not necessarily distasteful part of familial dynamics (as long as people aren’t out of control with their attachments to wanting to control what others do).
my mom was (and still, to a large extent, is) in denial, but I also know that I am way more important to her than any particular ideology (she’s just convinced that she knows what will make me happy and comes on strong with it, which can get under my skin, but since it comes from a place of love rather than hate, it’s easier to deal with…and when I’m in another serious relationship in the future, my mom will have to deal with it, and my more adaptable dad can help her). I know that I am really forcing her to stretch her worldview, which scares her, and she literally ran away from me once during a conversation because the truth was too difficult for her to confront (even though I was spoonfeeding her information and responding, at that point, only if she brought things up herself). I think that recognizing that what we’re attached to is causing us or others pain and letting go of whatever that is gives us the freedom we need to create loving relationships. this is easier said than done, but I am absolutely committed to this practice (and it definitely goes both ways~it’s up to me to maintain my equanimity and stay open if my loved ones are in a reactive space, just as I’d want them to do for me).
by the way, despite my parents’ preference that I find a man to settle down with, both my parents met my first girlfriend and liked her (my mom called her my “friend,” not wanting to accept our relationship, but was kind to her and told me she was a very nice girl, which, for someone in denial, is pretty good). my girlfriend loved my mom’s full-heartedness and my dad’s sensitivity. I’m lucky in that no matter what my parents’ conditioning, I know that they would never reject me, although I’m definitely pushing them by not merely dating someone culturally/religiously/socioeconomically different but of the same gender.
about commonalities and differences across racial/linguistic/economic backgrounds…although my first girlfriend was white and from rural america with a very different life experience than me, both of us had in common that we are exceptionally close to our families (her extended family is prominent in her life, similar to my desi parents’ experiences) and that we love cooking and eating great quantities of wholesome food. our worldviews were also strikingly similar. the cultural differences that are difficult to accept are never the biggest ones (it’s easy to understand how people from different countries might have different habits) but the subtle aspects of cultural expectations~the ways of being that are so normal to us that it’s hard to imagine anything different. these are much harder to get beyond than the superficial differences. I’m still close to her years after our breakup, but we STILL hit moments of cultural conflict. it’s nice in a way because it forces us to pare down what we think of as “right” or necessary to see what’s actually essential in one another.
intercultural relationships involve learning for everyone, not just parents. and every family has its own culture.
200 · chaimasala said
I have Korean friends, and they told me the exact same thing about Asian women. The reason why the girls marry outside their race is because Asian guys tend to treat their girls like crap (they treat them like back in the day). Indian girls that I know date white guys (1) Indian guys are asses, (2) they can’t find an Indian guy. I don’t know how my statement was racist/sterotypical, when in fact there’s truth behind that statement I made earlier. This site Sepiamutiny also made the claim about Asian guys (it was following the Virginia Tech mess, and MSNBC was talking about how this site stereotyped).
202 · Amitabh said
Parents are certainly entitled to their viewpoints, Amitabh, especially wrt the welfare of their offspring. But what happens when their views contradict some ethical/moral beliefs you hold (especially when their actions contradict what they taught you as kids)? One can at least respectfully engage them in a debate (of course, I’m assuming people are at least willing to have a civil conversation, without either party engaging in gratuitous guilt-tripping). What I got a black person home (‘Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner, Ma?’), and my folks wouldn’t accept him just because he is black. Or automatically assuming that if X has a Muslim partner, then said partner would subscribe to, practice, and enforce certain stereotypical practices.
I understand that parents have wisdom accrued from experience, and also keep their kids’ best interests at heart, but it doesn’t obtain they are always right. What they judge to be a ‘crime,’ may not even be a crime according to common moral standards. I know I will certainly want the approval of my parents, whatever my final choice, and I will give lots of weight to their objections (should they have any). But if a set of Scythian parents object only because the intended is a Lemurian (‘so wot if he vent to IIT and has a million lucrative stock options, they make a mess of their gloppy rice when they eat’), that is a drastic stance, which needs to be opposed by the kids.
Rahul S – I see your point. I just really wish, though, that we could move past using phrases like “Typical Asian women” and making assumptions about how the “typical Asian man” behaves. That we somehow believe that most Asian men treat Asian women like crap is kind of stereotyping, isn’t it? And saying that Asian women would rather date white men because Asian men treat them like crap somehow lets white men off the hook. White men are not all saints either.
It is understandable if a parent wants to try to persuade a kid to marry another indian or whatever as long as they know when to pull back on the guilt tripping. (I said understandable, not something I necessarily support).
However, I draw the line at parents cutting off relations with their kids or making their lives tougher through their inexcusably immature attitude. As I said, if thse Indians are so messed up, I have only one thing to say, Go back to India. Not because they will be happier there as they will find out they may be behind the times in India depending on the city they go to.
My girlfriend is both bi-sexual and atheist, which made it hell for her when she came out to her rural, traditional muslim-bengali parents at 15. Luckily for her, they’re in complete denial about her atheism, and bi-sexuality is a very hard concept for them to grasp (if they truly understood that it was not just a phase, then she’d be in a lot more trouble…). We managed to keep our relationship secret from them for about half a year by avoiding certain areas of the city where family friends and relatives lurked. Eventually we were spotted walking together (not even holding hands, just side by side) in Chinatown and since then her father has been grilling her about it, while she’s been maintaining a stance of indifferent denial.
We’ve been together for a year and a half now, and we’re hoping things will work out. Already her father has brought down the expectations from Chittigong-muslim, to Bengali-muslim, to South Asian muslim, to any type of muslim. It helps that compared to her mother (who was married at 15 and had her at 16), she’s already an old maid in their eyes and her marriageable years are supposedly nearing an end. Her father is also convinced he is going to die of some kind of heart problems soon and he wants to be able to show his grandchildren to his parents (which we think is the strongest factor that led to the “lowering†of expectations).
I’m never going to convert to anything if I don’t truly believe in it, and I would never expect her to convert for me if she didn’t truly believe in what she was converting to either (I’m religious). In the end, I think gentle persistence will win out, and I will finally be able to meet her father.
We’re lucky in our case though (with her parents thinking that time is against them), my best friend’s father actually threatened to move the whole family back to Bangladesh and abandon him here in Toronto when he found out he had been dating a Pakistani (his family’s hindu)He respected his father and didn’t want to cause his parents grief, so he ended the relationship (her father actually did move the family back to Pakistan and enrolled her in a uni there after getting suspicious, so I’m not so sure these threats are as empty as others have claimed earlier).
Just thought I’d share my own story 🙂
(Sorry if it’s a bit long!)
Everyone here seems to know a case of folks of some religion X not accepting someone because of another religion Y, etc. But just out of curiousity, does anyone know of any desi atheistic parents refusing to accept an in law because they are religious?
Cio Cio San- I wouldn’t worry. Have some standards for yourself. and you’ll be fine. If you do date a bit, do it for fun and for companionship and if “the right one” comes along that way, great, if someone else drops inin someo ther way who fits your requirements. great too.
Good luck!
I guess the key is creating the environment in which the kids grow up and the more external influences you have the more difficult it becomes. I figured with interracial marriages this becomes even harder, since the strains are more.
Amitabh, I don’t think our parents are required to cheerfully accept our decisions. However, I DO think that some of the parental ire over their children’s partnerships are based on stereotypes and mislaid assumptions, not on anything that makes sense. If your parents want you to keep it “in the community” because of some sense of race-preservation, then maybe their ideology on identity differs. Parents do cut off their children; I’ve certainly seen it happen before. I just think that many parents are not very good at articulating what their true concerns are (e.g., financial stability, security within the home, grandchildren, religion, perhaps status) and default to reductionist explanations.
mfunnierthanthou, I’m so sorry you’re in that position and that your parents have put you there. Romba, with all respect, I totally disagree with the advice re: lying, but agree with you on financial independence. I sincerely think it is better (esp. if you are a CA resident and at UC Davis — I’m assuming the latter from your description) to take out loans for your last quarter just to retain a sense of independence, security over your future, and minimize the strain you might feel from dealing with your parents. It is NOT acceptable for them to exercise this kind of pressure on you, and while they may think they’re acting in your best interest, all you can do is control how you interact with them and how frequently. While incredibly painful, that may also mean refashioning your financial and physical relationship with your parents.
SepiaMutiny did not make a claim about Asian guys; a troll in the comment section made a hateful comment (which was summarily rejected and vilified by the rest of the commenting community) and MSNBC selectively lifted that comment. Let’s give credit where credit’s due.
Oops, “I guess…” is supposed to be quoted from Dizzy Desi at 198. I clearly forgot to respond to it — I was going to talk about the “from the same culture” assumption and basically say that I don’t think that’s true unless both partners actually have a sense of cultural preservation and a desire to imbue it in their children.
“I started dating a white woman (I’m a desi woman myself).”
so did one who was once Jodie Foster’s better half, I understand.
Rahul S., on one hand you glare at gora men with desi women (if they’re “hot” do you also gnash your teeth?) but then opine that as far you know “race is a social construct.” Then why the glare? Make up your mind and keep your chin up. as I noted, desi males and females date out at about the same rate so maybe you could incite glare from desi chicks. Those sound good mantras are no good if they don’t have legs. Sadly, I don’t know that anyone has succeeded in deconstructing race–it just reforms with updated labels. And anyway, what comes first, chicken or the egg?
209 · Chaimasala said
I would know.
216 · globetrotter said
I will continue to be an ass. Aww, poor gora men. I could care less if desi chicks give me nasty glares.
By the way, according to Rev. Wright, the chickens comes first (the chickens were coming home to roast).
Camille, Sure it’s not a nice or respectful thing to lie to them. But then, they have to earn respect by their actions, not such mean pressures. Also, remember, it’s a lie that they know is a lie – a way to express your own frustration that they would rather hear an obvious lie than accept the truth.
I remember telling my parents very simply back when I was a teenager when I was in a similar situation (not marriage but something else also involving them being deliberately blind to something) “OK, if you force me to do this using your power over me rather than convincing me, I will do it now and one day, when you cease to have power over me, I will NOT do it. In the meantime, since I can’t speak my mind, I will repeat whatever you want and you will never know for sure whether I mean it.” They understood the emptiness of what they were going to get from me with their strong arm tactics.
This was many many years ago. I have gone on to do what I wanted, with their support and help, achieving successes and failures along the way. But it was on that day that they realized that it’s no good to try bullshit like “as long as I’m paying for you/as long as you live in this house…” in order to change my way of thinking. This was a turning point. Unlike what it sounds like, that was not a dramatic day at all. No one yelled at anyone or even spoke loudly. Everyone went away for some thought and the next day, I was told to do what I really wanted to do. Today, we are immensely proud of each other. Sometimes, parents come around, sometimes they have to be educated with great effort.
I think mfunnierthanyou understands that the parents’ behavior is unacceptable, but what is she to do about it? I didn’t think of a loan option b/c I didn’t grow up in the US. Where (and the time) I come from, this is not an option without some property to back up the loan. So no collateral is needed at all here? If this is possible, this is a much better option. So much less distasteful. No need to lay such threats at their feet. In fact, I wonder why mfunnierthanyou hasn’t told them already that she will go for a loan so they better back off. I mean, it’s one thing for them to throw tantrums and quite another to do this kind of controlling behavior.
212 · brett dumball said
Yes. My elderly Jewish friend refused to give a young Jewish woman her son’s tel no. Said she was too orthodox and kosher. My friend didn’t care for such restrictions. All concerned are from Israel and live here. She has been asking me, a trusted Jain!, to find a girlfriend for him. Anyone interested in meeting a nice Jewish lawyer in DC? write back!
172 · Amitabh said
Parents should have strong convictions in life, but only thing is greater than convictions, mercy.
OOps Just to be clear my elderly friend found the girl too kosher.
WOW! This discussion has been a cultural anthropologist’s wet dream!
Beta,
Its high time you cut the umbilical cord.
Agree with part of what Dave said (not the stupidity part), and I’m not sure what Dear Abi was citing, since word is Caucasians are Indian, no Aryan Invasion. Everyone with that kind of face moved north from India, it is said nowadays (Everything Comes From India). And we are all African, of course, but I seem to recall Anna once wrote about later immigration to India from Africa, sometime within the past millenium.
Regardless of social and practical difficulties, which can be extreme, as I have said above, I am a great supporter of the hybrid vigor of children with parents who have deliberately picked each other out of distant gene pools for reasons of deliciousness. Bright and beautiful kids, worth the trouble.
I’m 22 and study/work in a college town in the midwest. Everyone here is either white or mexican/latino/hispanic. There are some international students and a few desis, but generally its not diverse.
Its hard to relate to the Indian-American/ABD/DBD experience in NYC, Chicago, SF, Boston, DC, Philly and other desi-populated areas of the country. Sigh….I’ve missed out on a lot it seems…and wasted a lot of my youth living here. I should move ASAP to a cosmopolitan city or desi-populated area: 1)NYC/Chicago/SF/Boston/Philly/DC/Toronto (woot!)/Vancouver/Houston or 2)London or 3)South Asia (Ha).
On a side note, ughhh @ the letter. I hope this doesn’t happen to me.. EVER.
“I will continue to be an ass. Aww, poor gora men. I could care less if desi chicks give me nasty glares. “
That’s the spirit.
“By the way, according to Rev. Wright, the chickens comes first (the chickens were coming home to roast).”
Must be magic chickens. But everybody wants their eggs. actually, I believe that was Malcolm X commenting on JFK’s assassination. Rev. Wright is not noted for originality. To any reader of recent history, he’s an enthusiastic recylcer. Anyway, Mr. X didn’t last too long himself. What goes around comes around. I’m out of cliches so I’m outta here. good luck with all that.
I think this poor kid should take his girlfriend home to meet his parents before it is too late. If not, if they eventually do get married, she will have a major chip on her shoulder about how she was treated in the past. Additionally, he needs to prove to her that he is in her corner should any conflicts arise after their marriage. While I will always have a chip on my shoulder about how the Jewish community views intermarriage, even though my in-laws always accepted me from the beginning, I know that my husband’s loyalties lie with me first, because of how he has dealt with comments others have made or situations we have been in with other family members. This kid needs to prove he is on his girlfriend’s side should there be a battle. Chances are his parents will be just fine with her if he brings her home, since they have vacillated so much on their initial harsh stance.
I don’t know if I could respect my parents if they said they’d disown me for bringing home an “american” girl and then chickening out when it actually happens ….
Then again, I don’t have children so I understand that my viewpoint might be kind of harsh and would probably soften if I had any.
That said, what would I tell this person? Nut up! Dude, you’re 25. Figure out if the relationship is worth it to you. Ultimately, that’s the question. Are you willing to lose your parents over her? (isn’t that the worst possible scenario?) Would your relationship be strong enough to withstand a tense relationship with your parents? Shit, are your parents worth it?
&nd remember love is an emotion, temporary and fleeting. be rational in terms of assessing your parents and girlfriend, and the future.
In terms of my personal experience, I come from a very traditional family from Pakistan (I’m one generation removed from herding goats, and tilling the fields and was the first one to be born outside of the country) and grew up outside of Toronto in an overwhemingly WASPy community. (this had a profound impact, and I blame my weirdness on this entirely! – i.e. I was naturally a quiet kid but growing up brown and “traditional” in an exclusively white community probably made things worse. I had white friends growing up, but I’ve always kept my distance, yeah sure I’d go to their home but I’d never bring them back to mine…for reasons relating to shame/embarrassment, etc. Wack, I know but I was young what can I say…Anyway, by the time I hit high school, and my folks having drilled into me in no uncertain terms, that I couldn’t be like my friends who dated, went to parties, etc. – I made the choice to socially isolate myself. Bad choice, I wish I would have either rebelled or worked around the issues to maintain my friendships, but I didn’t so alas, I lost a lot of my friends (granted many of them ended up being high school dropouts and drug addicts, so not entirely a bad decision either). I wasn’t a complete loser hermit though, I was involved in sports like basketball/football/track and did well in school, and nobody bullied or mistreated me. I just avoided all the extra-curricular social stuff because i wasn’t able to assimilate or able to deal with the consequences of assimilating at home. I just couldn’t live the “dual life” that a lot of south asian kids from traditional homes live….)
So of course given this background my parents were always concerned about me bringing home a “white” girl. It was their ultimate fear, until they found out I was dating a black girl in high school, lol. When they learned about that, my normally “outside of the box” thinking father had a heart to heart with me where he revealed the truths about marrying an “outsider”:
If i got with a white girl, my parents & “community” would probably come around if she converted but her family would probably hate me..
If i got with a black girl, unless she was muslim, her community would might accept me but ours would not…
&nd that if I didn’t get with a muslim, he wanted me to change my last name (his first name) to something else …
&nd that he would prefer I bring home a punjabi speaking muslim than anything else, because of some advice he received from an old man when he is of thinking of getting married and was living in karachi and working among peers from a higher social standing than his community’s: take a wife that knows your mother tongue and the culture of your house. And it’s with that advice, that he married my mother, a woman that had never went to school and was from the same pind as him and had rarely seen before.
I laugh about it now but it was absolutely the most embarassing and uncomfortable conversation I’ve ever had with my father.
I just couldn’t understand how someone so normally rational and open-minded in his thinking could have such a stereotypical view of this particular matter. To this day, I will never understand my parents who want(ed) me to maintain my “browness” in a sea of “Whiteness”, and at the same time wanted me to have a mind of my own. But hey, they did a lot for me, so I’ll live with that small bit of irrational hypocrisy.
Anyway, now I’m 28 and they’re like just marry someone! Enough of this dating shating/ha.
Sorry about the longwinded post, just a jumble of ABCD thoughts there… 😛
Weren’t you one of the guys commenting about hot gora cheerleaders on the other thread?
Deemz, great comments as always.
Desishiksa, good to see you back. As for your above comment…I know a lot of women feel this way…and while I see the need to be fair to all concerned in a conflict, and that spouses have a certain responsibility to each other, but if your wife is wrong, she’s wrong, and there’s no reason to support her if she’s wrong.
Too many people treat their parents like dirt based on that principle.
Hot GORI cheerleaders
Amitabh, I totally agree with you.. I meant he should prove to her and his parents that he will be on her side if anyone in his family rejects her, not if she does or says something to hurt them. I’m not advocating that he should take her side if she insults or hurts his parents in any way.
231 · iABD said
I was talking about rundis and stuff.
236 · Rahul S said
ok i am going to complain about the r-word — it’s really offensive and disrespectful. i will happily shut up if no one else thinks it is (maybe it’s a growing-up-in-north-india-thing?) the case. rahul s, if you will stop using it of your own accord, many thanks 🙂
Rahul S is trying to provoke people, but at the same time he’s really not that different from most college-age desi guys (I was sort of like that myself A LONG TIME AGO) and I think he provides the perspective of a significant desi sub-group. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be less crude about it. Grow up, kid.
i’ve no problem with rahul s’s opinions — he can say what he likes. it’s just only that word that which is somehow rankling.
153 · Dear Abi said
That’s mighty kind of you, I restrict parental visits to three-day weekends. I’ll make an exception, though, when I have a barbecue (Page 13, last two paragraphs).
For those who are having difficulty seeing the link, here’s the relevant paragraph:
ok i am going to complain about the r-word — it’s really offensive and disrespectful. i will happily shut up if no one else thinks it is (maybe it’s a growing-up-in-north-india-thing?) the case. rahul s, if you will stop using it of your own accord, many thanks 🙂
Sorry. I didn’t realize this word ticks off so many people. I will not use this word on this site ever again. Happy?
What the hell is a rundi?
243 · Pravin said
Whore/Slut/Etc.
Any threat of “disownership” always seems to be little more than just a defense mechanism. Parents don’t want to lose their kids to an inherently corrupt and gaudy American culture, but if a kid can show that they’re a product of their environment and that they have their Indianness, then that’s that.
I’m sorry, but the guy who wrote in needs to go take kickboxing lessons and get tough. It’s amazing that she’s stuck around for three years because lord knows if he’s insecure on this single issue, it’s the tip of the iceberg for other things. If he’s old enough to date, he should be old enough to be a little smarter and a little fiercer. Otherwise, he needs to still pay his dues until he can sort out his affairs.
Someone call me when Dear Prudence advises someone on what to do when bringing a hijra home to meet your parents.
Disownership is basically all you can really do to a person, realistically (barring honor killings and the like – throwing that in for Suki Dillon’s sake). For most of us, disownership is the only weapon left when someone we’re so invested in (sibling, offspring, even parents in certain situations) does something we just can’t accept. Disownership is a sign of powerlessness, and I would say ends up hurting the disowner as much as the disowned. It’s a big psychological burden for all concerned. That being said, I suppose there are certain things I’d be willing to disown someone for.
Amitabh, I totally agree with you.. I meant he should prove to her and his parents that he will be on her side if anyone in his family rejects her, not if she does or says something to hurt them. I’m not advocating that he should take her side if she insults or hurts his parents in any way.
Good point and that goes for the siblings as well. if the spouse is hurtful to them, woe be that person, but should the siblings initiate, woe be them. Blood is thicker than water, sure, but by marrying someone, you bring them into that so they should be protected when and if the family gangs up on them.
In your defense, you have a ‘trump’ card that most of living on the east coast don’t – lack of desis, much less compatible ones, to choose as partners. If you also grew up in such an environment, even better – your parents are the ones who chose the locality!
Is it weird or are there other people out there who would only ‘disown’ or otherwise end ties with someone for something they did to you, rather than a lifestyle choice they made that did not directly (or did not have as its main purpose to) affect you? I’ve had friends that have done some not-so-great to awful things to others, and while it has certainly changed my opinion of them (mostly by making me more aware of their capabilities), it never made me contemplate ending my own relationship with them. Obviously, parents are different, but should they be? It’s not as if (most) children seek a partner their parents will dislike just to piss their parents off. And while I don’t expect parents to accept or approve, I also do not think it would be necessary or rational to disown.
The way Rahul S has been using the word “rundi” strikes me as gratuitous. I’m not going to edit/delete right now, but please keep it in mind.
It’s not that the word by itself is off-limits. But just throwing it around like that is demeaning to women.
Prudence’s advice is dead-on right. My husband concealed the depth of our relationship from his family for five years, believing they would “disown him” if they knew how deeply we were in love. They made similar threats and employed similar emotional pressures. They even went so far as to arrange a marriage for him and pressure him into going through with it. It was a disaster and we lost two years of our lives trying to get him out of the marriage.
Once he was finally free from the sham marriage, he gave them the ultimatum that they must accept me or he would cease contact with them. Now, five years later we have a beautiful son, a very happy marriage and a good relationship with his family. We both believe that if he would have stood up to his family from the beginning, we could have avoided a lot of heartache.
Indian parents are among the most loving and forgiving parents in the world. While they may threaten to “disown” their children for taking up with Americans, it’s far more likely they will ultimately put their child’s happiness first and accept the American mate for their child’s sake. And of course, once the first grandchild arrives, all will be forgiven.