Are you in an Aviyal Relationship?

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sindoor.jpg My baby cousin at UCLA still hasn’t forgiven me for joining Facebook. His objection is not that I’m too old for it or that I lessen its “cool factor” with my elderly presence—he just hates the program and apparently I was the last person he knew and cared about, who was not on it. That had more to do with pragmatic causes than most anything else; I was happy on Friendster and consummately preferred it to MyAss or the more “global”/Brazilian Orkut. I didn’t have time to maintain profiles on a plethora of time-sucks. And most relevant of all, I couldn’t be bothered to get an “alumni” email addy from either of the schools I managed to graduate from…and once upon a time, you needed such official stuff to participate in the Facebook-orgy.

Not anymore. And so a few of you began inviting me to join it and I pointedly ignored such requests…until one of you was Facebook-stalking a guy you thought was sooo cute.

“What’s his friendster link?”, I asked.

“He’s not ON friendster…he’s only on Facebook!”

“Well, then I can’t see him.”

“But you just HAVE to see this one picture…I have a feeling you know his friend.”

“You know how I’ve never been a bridesmaid?”

“Yeah what does that have to do with anything??”

“I’m signing up for this bullshit right now, so A) you best marry his ass and B) I best be in some sort of poufy outfit, twitching out of boredom on an altar in a year or three.”

“Omg, whatever you want, just SIGN UP”…and so I did. But I didn’t bother uploading a pic or filling out my profile, not for a while. Then, I was asked to write something about social networking and I needed more information about FB, specifically a sense of how intuitive it was to use. I noticed, upon logging in, that I had been “poked” approximately 40 times. I also noticed that several of my far-flung friends were considerably more active and in touch on FB than they were on Fster. This puzzled me until I realized that they were destroying all of their free time defenestrating each other via “SuperPoke”, proving their music IQ via some guessing game which was far superior to the one on my iPod and playing Scrabble online via the hyper-addictive “Scrabulous”.

Well, I saw her Facebook…and now I’m a believer. I will happily eat the words which initially expressed indifference towards this program. The recent app explosion transformed FB for me, from a site to ignore to one which I am now constantly logged in to…which brings me to this post.

Now that I am spending a ton of time on there, my inner, dilettante-sociologist is hyper-stimulated. There’s so much to discover, like…

  • How annoying today’s youths in high school are (incoherent and illiterate comments on group walls)
  • How thousands of others also speak shitty Malayalam (via the Ende Malayalam Sucks group)
  • How several of you first discovered SM! (via the SM Group, natch)
  • How people are utilizing Web 2.0 to create support groups for Inter-desi relationships (!!!)

Here, read all about it. I’ll post the group’s “description” for you:

Aviyal Couples Type: Common Interest – Dating & Relationships

Description: This group (also a support group) is for all the desi people that are in a relationship (dating, engaged or married) where your partner is Indian but is from a different state in India or is from a different religion or caste. This type of relationship can’t be called interracial, so it can be called an ‘Aviyal Relationship’

For example: An Indian from Mumbai is in a relationship with an Indian from Bihar or an Indian from Tamil Nadu is in a relationship with an Indian from Kerala e.t.c or an Indian who is Hindu is in a relationship with an Indian who is a Christian or an Indian who is a Jain is in a relationship with an Indian who is a Brahmin e.t.c
* Aviyal – a south indian vegetable curry that has a mix of different vegetables. [Facebook]

I didn’t even realize there was a term for this situation—one I have been in for almost half of my dating life. While I tried valiantly to date Malayalee boys, “just to make it easier” on all 349 people who were potentially involved with such an alliance, I went to a college that had no Malayalee male undergrads and didn’t attend our local (read: more than 100 miles away) Syriac Orthodox church. I was far more likely to encounter Punjabi Sikh guys at U.C. Davis/Fresno/Modesto/Yuba City and predictably, that is what I often dated.

I had been making Aviyal all the way through college and I had been oblivious to it!

Whether by circumstance, i.e. being one of a handful of South Indians at a school dominated by Northies or by choice, i.e. just plain falling for someone, this is a cocktail we will see more and more of, no matter what our respective parents think of such emotional collisions. One of you, who comments regularly, is a Tamil married to a Punjabi; sometimes, the comments which inform me of this detail also contain other bits of information, which illustrate how challenging such a union is. I’m assuming both parties involved are probably Hindu, which makes things nominally easier, but when you add interreligious components to the conflict…sometimes, that is exactly what you get: conflict.

When one of the only Malayalee girls I grew up with got married about a decade ago (she was a bit older than us…because I remember that even her younger brother was two years older than me), it caused quite a stir, since she, a Namboodiri, had fallen in love with a Mallu Christian she had met at school. This was the source of much discussion and concern, as our parents pondered whether this was a harbinger of their own future disappointment.

Years later, I felt compassion for her, once I realized what the “odds” were like…it’s difficult enough finding a match who is Malayalee, finding one who is Mallu and of the same faith narrows the pool considerably—especially when you take caste or in the case of Christianity, multiple denominations in to account. It may seem counterintuitive, since Kerala’s Christians comprise a disproportionate share of Malayalee Americans, but yes, it’s hard to find a suitable boy. My father never forgave the Catholic church for what they did in the 17th century, so the thought of me marrying one was inconceivable. MarThomites were out because they were anti-feminist-Mary-haters who shamelessly chose not to revere the dead. 😉

We were fiercely Orthodox and unlike many Malayalee couples, both of my parents were Orthodox; my mother didn’t “convert” to marry him. So for me, Orthodox it would have to be.

Do you have any idea how many single Orthodox Malayalee boys there are in America, who are over the age of 32?

Approximately two.

I have a Sikh friend who is a few years older than me, who is also single, because he’s rather Orthodox himself, and most Sikh girls he encounters want someone sans beard and turban. One of you posted a NYT Vows link recently, all because the groom was Muslim and the bride was Hindu and yes, I’ll admit my non-existent eyebrows rose heavenwards upon reading it, because that’s what I’m conditioned to do. We are marinating in aviyal, whether we know it or not (pass me the drumsticks, btw…and keep the arbi to your damned self).

I’ll probably end up in an “aviyal”-marriage of my own, so I confess that I’m partially motivated to explore this aspect of growing up in the diaspora, out of self-interest. But I also remember a certain thread where it was brought up quite a few times, so I know it’s on your mind, too, along with potheads on celluloid and Shah Rukh Khan-endorsed colorism. If you have your own thoughts to add about aviyal, sambar or rasam relationships, speak.

There are many mutinies within which we can participate; the struggles associated with dating “outside” of the precise group we were born in to, perhaps more than any other uprising, often involve the most upheaval and anguish, even if one’s intended is also a shade of Sepia.

723 thoughts on “Are you in an Aviyal Relationship?”

  3. I am a little surprised that for everyone that claims to hate Bollywood, there is a plethora of information about actors, their marital status, there religion etc here.

    Moderate this site for three years, you’ll learn PLENTY of useless things which you didn’t necessarily want to know. 😉

  5. Anna,

    To be honest, I don’t envy your job here, I have been reading the site since early 2005 and have only started commenting here for the very same reason that makes moderating this difficult. There are plenty of aholes here but I think you guys do a reasonable job of keeping them out.

  6. Dave, I’m not really that clever — It comes from a nickname I had within my group of friends in HS [not Indian^2, but Cam^2 (pronounced “Cam squared”) because there was myself and a friend whose name also started with Cam-] 🙂

  7. whereas we are not only struggling with issues around immigration, family and societal acceptance, we are further constrained by not even having the right to marry.

    Wow,apsara, I admire you for taking on so many challenges : sexual orientation, ethnicity, religion- deifnitely makes the standard “aviyyal” differences seem smaller in comparison.I do hope that marriage soon becomes available to everyone .It is not fair at all.

    And for the bollywood countdown on Aviyals : Hindu – Muslim Nargis and Sunil Dutt Madhubala and Kishore Kumar Meena Kumari and Kamaal Amrohi Other Rakhee – Gulzaar Babita – Randhir Kapoor

  8. all of a sudden they have turned conservative.

    puli, was it you whose parents are nixing prospective girls for having had bfs? i remember having this conversation with one SMer a few months ago, but i was new back then and not paying attention to handles…

    I feel parents in US are more conservative than in India now, because they are frozen in the time/values of the period they left in India. Any comments on that mutineers ?

    i took a south asian diaspora writing class in freshman year and we read at least 10 articles that covered this topic. i think it varies. in general, i see desis back home becoming very open towards dating and aviyal relationships. but my family is from madras and every single one of my cousins has had an arranged marriage, which means they all married somebody from our specific community (incl. intra-family). in that sense, even though my parents don’t approve of dating, they are definitely open to aviyal as well as inter-racial marriages. also, they like their alcohol, unlike relatives back home 🙂

  10. puli, was it you whose parents are nixing prospective girls for having had bfs? i remember having this conversation with one SMer a few months ago, but i was new back then and not paying attention to handles…

    not a nix. more like, turn their noses up.

  12. I am a little surprised that for everyone that claims to hate Bollywood, there is a plethora of information about actors, their marital status, there religion etc here.

    🙂 Brown, it comes with being a film-buff and having watched movies growing up in India – some information you just can’t escape from. For everything else, there’s google. Speaking for myself, I see many BW movies (over the past 50+ years) that would give any HW film a run for its money when it comes to story, acting, direction (admittedly, the production values are slowly catching up); but it’s the escapist movies that get more publicity – not much different from Hollywood. So, while hate is a strong word for me, in general, I don’t enjoy (Hollywood and Bollywood) escapist fluffy movies anymore – I’m equal-opportunity disliker that way. 😉

  13. Also, Malaika Arora Khan (she’s the product of an aviyal marriage) & Arbaaz Khan.

    ak, btw, is the product of a hindu-muslim marriage.

    puli, sorry, wrong word. my parents are more equal opportunity discriminators : they don’t like their own kids, or prospectives, having gfs/bfs 🙂

  14. Runa,

    I used to think Babita was Sindhi and Randhir Kapoor was Punjabi, may be I am wrong.

  16. apsara, I’m glad you contributed. Seems like breaking just one stereotype wasn’t enough for you and your partner, eh? 🙂 (j/k) Wishing you all the best. Can I ask how/where did you two meet? Also what has been your experience in terms of getting support from the ABD/DBD community in general?

  17. oh ok camille. and pingpong, don’t worry about it… I was just saying how I’ve felt based on what I’ve seen.

    speaking of judgemental desi aunties. has anyone here ever gotten a bikini wax from an indian salon? especially if they didn’t know you were married or whatever. (i would imagine that they would think, ‘why do you care what you look like down there?,’ but be happy for the business nonetheless)

  18. Why are Rakhee-Gulzar and Babita – Randhir Kapoor in ‘other’ category? As far as I know, Rakhi is hindu and Gulzar muslim. How is it different for Babita – Randhir Kapoor ?

    Apsara, hope marriage is available to you too soon. I heard immigration can be really tough for this. Stay strong.

  19. speaking of judgemental desi aunties. has anyone here ever gotten a bikini wax from an indian salon? especially if they didn’t know you were married or whatever. (i would imagine that they would think, ‘why do you care what you look like down there?,’ but be happy for the business nonetheless)

    thast excellent. like buying protection from the auntie drug store employee. an all around amusing excersize.

  20. 🙂 Brown, it comes with being a film-buff and having watched movies growing up in India – some information you just can’t escape from.

    i categorically did not grow up on hindi movies, but recently started reading bw gossip columns (no comments, please!), thus my knowledge of BW.

    Speaking for myself, I see many BW movies (over the past 50+ years) that would give any HW film a run for its money when it comes to story, acting, direction (admittedly, the production values are slowly catching up);

    i recently saw khosla ka ghosla and thought it was fabulous – it wasn’t fluffy, but it was really delightful.

  21. I thought Gulzar was Sikh. His full name is Sampooran Singh Gulzar. BTW, an excellent film-maker and lyricist!!

  22. camille. mid 20’s professional in ny. goes out a lot.

    Puli, was that my description or yours?

  25. speaking of judgemental desi aunties. has anyone here ever gotten a bikini wax from an indian salon? especially if they didn’t know you were married or whatever. (i would imagine that they would think, ‘why do you care what you look like down there?,’ but be happy for the business nonetheless)

    nala, personally I wouldn’t, but that is because I have a big chip on my shoulder 😉 I’m kidding, I’ve actually just never seen a desi salon that did bikini waxes (threading only, and only visible parts of the body). A friend of mine got a Brazilian from a really sweet Sri Lankan lady, and she said it was v. professional, fast, and well done.

  26. Zuni, thanks for the nice things you said.

    Apsara, thanks for sharing. All my support to you and your partner.

    My sis are I are expected to follow the rule from when my parents were growing up in India.
    I wish I had liberal relatives back in the motherland or even here, to make it easier on me/less shocking to my parents.

    I think my mother was surprised when she went back and my barely 20 yr old cousin was openly dating. While on the other hand, I have parts of extended family who still insist on dowry.

    has anyone here ever gotten a bikini wax from an indian salon?

    yeah, in NJ, the south amerikan type and no questions asked and a great job done by this quiet muslim aunty and discrete, so not a word to mom!!

  27. Amit, are you serious about Gulzar? is he really sikh (would explain his deep understanding of the culture in Maachis)he is one of my fav poet and director. His Marasim with Jaggu is the best ghazal album to date.

  28. Rakhi is hindu and Gulzar muslim. How is it different for Babita – Randhir Kapoor ?

    Other meant not Hindu -Muslim but Aviyal none the less

    As far as I know Gulzar is not Muslim but Punjabi Hindu – I could be wrong.”Gulzar” is a nom de plume .Rakhee is Bengali Hindu

    brown @ # 623 Yes,Babita = Sindhi and Randhir Kapoor = Punjabi hence they are in the “other” category . I can tell you that that is definitely considered Aviyal by Sindhis and Punjabis alike 🙂

  29. i recently saw khosla ka ghosla and thought it was fabulous – it wasn’t fluffy, but it was really delightful.

    ak, I liked that movie too. Delightful is best adjective for it. I loved the ambiance of New Delhi that it captured so well.

  30. yeah, in NJ, the south amerikan type and no questions asked and a great job done by this quiet muslim aunty and discrete, so not a word to mom!!

    would mom freak out at the idea of u waxing?

  34. Meena Kumari and Kamaal Amrohi

    Meena Kumari** was a part-Muslim (Pathan), part-Hindu. She was also related to Rabindranath Tagore.

    She did an affair with Dharmendra prior to Kamal Amaarohi.

    Bollywood has a long tradition of mixed-religion couples, married or not.

    Some of them go back to Dev Anand-Suriyia, Nargis-Raj Kapoor, or even further.

    ** Most of the muslim actors/ actresses at that time, had Hindu screen names. Same with Hindu actors, with simpler (more phonetic) screen names.

  36. Gulzar is Sikh. Or at least that’s my dad’s CW 🙂

    Jeet, REALLY!? Why did I think you were older? (early 20, as in you just turned 20, or early 20s as in under 25?)

  37. would mom freak out at the idea of u waxing?

    The brazillian type – Of course. Hand, legs and all are fine, regular bikin waxing falls under don’t ask, don’t tell, but anything more – chee chee

    although, no more on this topic.

  42. The desi salons around here in NY alll offer every kind of waxing you can imagine. And they’ve delved into electrolysis recently too. I’m not actually considering it, just wondering. 🙂 Sounds painful.

    My mother has actually always wanted me to be more girly/appearance-concerned than I am (e.g. she actually WANTS me to wear skimpier clothing and drive around town in a convertible or something), so if I explained that a bikini wax is the ‘fashionable’ thing to do, she’d probably be all for it! (Unfortunately, this didn’t work for oral contraceptives.)

  45. puli, anything that is “south of the border” is taboo, hence chee chee. Apparently none of us have vaginas until we (as virgins) marry mummy/daddy’s perfect man, after which we are allowed to exist for the sexual pleasure of our husbands. Prior to that everything is a BIG BLACK HOLE [no weird puns/descrips intended there]

    apsara, thanks 🙂

  46. she actually WANTS me to wear skimpier clothing and drive around town in a convertible or something

    Is that so because she wasnt able to do it herself and wants her daughter to enjoy her life???? ducks for cover

  47. Unfortunately, this didn’t work for oral contraceptives.

    tell her your dermatologist prescribed it, or that it’s to normalise your cycle – all valid non sex-related reasons 🙂

  49. Apparently none of us have vaginas until we (as virgins) marry mummy/daddy’s perfect man, after which we are allowed to exist for the sexual pleasure of our husbands.

    Camille, you left out cooking and washing. :p