Oh. My. Gawd. Babli. Look at her blog.
It’s like, out there, I mean – gross. Look! She’s just so…FAQ.
With sincerest apologies to Sir with love, but I could not resist. I just read Uberdesi and it immediately had me reminiscing (I reminisce, I reminisce) about high school thanks to the blunt advice contained in one of its latest posts; the straightforward way it handled questions everyone wondered about but almost no one dared ask reminded me of Sassy magazine’s shocking candor. How could I not also recall furtive curiosity, the novelty of espresso drinks, 90210 and most definitely, “Baby Got Back” on auto-repeat in my Pioneer.
Yes, ladkas and ladkis. Akka be so old, her first car didn’t have no bougie CD player. Uh-uh. “Auto-repeat” meant that the stereo would smack it up, flip it and rub it down for me and by that I mean, I didn’t have to physically take out the tape and reinsert it to hear the other side, not that any of you youngsters can relate to this in any way. Haha. I said “reinsert”. (Told you I was in a puerile mood).
So there’s a reason why I’ve got fornication on the brain and it’s all Uberdesi’s fault. Their blogger Amrita wrote a post with a title so naughty, I shan’t repeat it here, but I’ll quote from it liberally because any desi with a healthy attitude towards sexuality deserves some fame and appreciation.
Here’s the deal, your juices are altered by what you eat. While I can’t get enough of mamma’s fish curry, I might have to fight the gag reflex with a mouth full of fishy swimmers. Urban dictionary defines fish curry as, “the vagina of an Indian female.†Not so yummy.
That’s just wrong. I’m really sick of the “tastes like curry” remark. Enough already. What am I not sick of? Lines like this which make me laugh so inappropriately, I forget to be upset:
Who wants to be known for having a spicy taco?
No comment. 😉
Alcohol, caffeine, drugs, and heavy spices among other culprits can cause the funk-nasty taste.
And then, because Amrita is a helpful sort of gf, she breaks it down.
Here are a few tips:
*Drink tons of water and flush out your system.
*Eat plenty of fruits. As if one needed a reason to splurge on heavenly Indian mangoes. Pineapple juice supposedly does miracles.
Omnivores! I am windicated! Amrita says so:
*Eat plenty of veggies. Stay away from foul smelling veggies like asparagus, cabbage or cauliflower. This is a plus for the non-meat eaters as vegetarians taste better.
*Cut down on chowing down on spices like garlic and onion if you want someone to chow down on you.
*Cleanse out your system with green juice (parsley or wheat grass with a pinch of cardamom, cinnamon, lemon or mint).
Wheatgrass with cardamom? I didn’t think you could make those shots of freshly shorn lawn palatable, but hey, I’ll give it a try…for my health, of course. What other reason? 😉
Oh and families of suitable boys: if you are reading this, I have no idea what I am writing, I just blog what they tell me to, okay? This proves that I have the submissive proclivities you hope for in a bahu while establishing that I am very chaste; never would I ever find blog posts about what shame shames could or should taste like interesting. Nope. Not me. I am also not going to the store for some pineapple juice nor will I be purchasing a mango anytime soon. Nooooo. I don’t do things like that. 😉
Ahem… legal drugs. Prescribed pills. [clarification]
If someone called my shame shame a yoni, I’d start giggling so hard that everything would surely go soft. Especially since I now associate that word with Sepia Mutiny comment threads.
Personaly, I am not a fan of the term. Gash, twat, pussy, vadge…happy no-no place, fine. I think this has to do with going to Davis and hearing some shaggy, unwashed pseudo-hippie expound on the sacredness of the yoni at the Whole Earth festival. He said he liked to visualize the yoni everywhere. Then he reverently stuck his hand in some mud and said it was a transformative experience, fingering fertile mother earth like that. I asked why he didn’t find that emotional transaction incestuous but he didn’t find that amusing at all.
PG , Just wanted to share..http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/101715686.html Dont know if it really helps but ..I knew it would be required reading someday!
This imagery really appeals to me:
So…like…has anyone else had any luck with the pineapple juice thing?
Yes
: No. But my fiance drinks mine. When he first put his tongue up there I was aprehensive — taboos, embarrasment, etc. But once I let him I loved it. There’s something up there that is very sensitive and feels good touched by a tongue.
…Right on girl!!
:coach diesel is the best. I’ve never seen bait snatched with such wild abandon by so reckless a fish.
Any girls tried Viagra. I once had a friend tell me that it enlarged her clitoris. It sort of poked out. She said it was mind-blowing. Any experience with viagra ladies?
yes and no.
Legal or illegal.
Some illegal drugs are milder and more beneficial than legal ones anyway – such as ganja.
Anyway, last night on History or Discovery channel there was a show “THE HISTORY OF SEX”. It dealt with medieval Europe and the legacy that era has left on our present day issues with sexuality.
Again, religion interfering with people’s personal sex lives. Wherever a strong religious base was found, there you would find alot of prostitution as well. At one point the CHURCH legalized prostitution as a neccessary evil to prevent widespread rape, homosexualitly and overall depravity.
It made me think what I had heard, read, and witnessed in India. The phenomena of married men paying prostitutes for sexual favors that their wives did not want to indulge in — such as oral or anal sex. I have not witnessed wives going to male prostitutes for the same reasons, but I have heard of one or two cases. I wonder how much influence the medieval CHURCH attitudes had on India at the time and may still be having to date, as such attitudes are still somewhat lingering in the overall ethos of western cultures as well.
The belief that semen should be preserved as much as possible is still one prevelent throughout India (and China) today. This is something one hears from swamis, gurus and laymen and women of various Hindu sects from Vaishnavas to Shivites to Brahma Kumaris and a whole host of others. Many teachers, speakers, writers recommend sex only for the pro-creation of children in order to preserve semen. This is recommended in many many many yoga and religious books.
As a woman what screams out to me about that recommendation is the thing that is NOT said more than what is said;
…if one is recommending semen to be preserved, why not recommend performing oral sex on your wife? why is celibacy within marriage recommended?
Reading Gandhi’s biography he obsesses alot about sex, his control or lack thereof of it. He says that he was married at 13 and commenced sexual activity with his wife from that age on. He said that it was only several years later that he was able to cease the sexual activity and see his wife as a person in her own right rather than an object of his desire. That was when he started on his experiments with celibacy and said that celibacy helped him in developing an equal and loving relationship with his wife.
I had issues with that. The sex or lack thereof was seen as something that he commanded or withdrew. The thought did not enter her head that another way of coming out of the deep hell of seeing your wife as only a sex object was to make yourself HER sex object and totally pleasure her (via oral or other forms of affection) at the expense of his own pleasure. It went from HIS pleasure to NO pleasure.
Even today you meet many couples in India who are going the celibacy route because they belong to some religious or yogic group that recommends conservation of semen. To them that means celibacy, not yoni licking.
This is sexuality and celibacy from a total man’s point of view.
Corny as they may be, I have recently come to appreciate the new age “tantric” schools of thought floating around Southern Cal and Hawaii proposing another way of retaining semen through pleasuring women at your own cost of pleasure — intercouse without ejaculation and oral sex. I feel these peeps have taken the ancient yogic practice of semen retention one step further, in an age and environment where women’s sexuality is appreciated and acknowledged.
If the whole point is semen retention for “higher” use – why does Shivananda, Johari, and a whole host of other religious/yogic swamis/gurus promote celibacy over oral stimulation of the wife???
I don’t have the same reaction to the word that some mutineers seem to possess and perhaps this is because I never had alot of exposure to hippies and that whole new-age cultural scene.
Only after I had already started using the word did I come to know, via book reading, that they also use it.
More like she was trying to one-up me and I ran with it, yeomeen?
Bring it on! Ready anytime.
um, some people are celibate by default: i.e. by schedule, or overbearing compulsion to exercise, or general disgust with the dating pool in their area, or constant curry fingers, or….
56
can u elaborate? and does it work and do u drink it or wash your yoni with it? i’m interested but don’t know where to begin.
Curry fingers??? Explain.
I was celibate by choice. As long as it’s not forced then it’s ok. Kind of like arranged marriage, huh?
However, I would say that my celibacy, although a clear personal choice in the beginning, also became like an “arranged” marriage that was not forced per se, but was also not a 100% personally desired choice, when it got to the point of maintaining a venere of acceptance (for the religious group and wider surrounding culture) when inside I was like, “this is no longer working for me”.
See the similarities between that and some of the married couples we know?
i think you’ll have more success with the “washin her thang before you do it with your tongue” method.
that has a 100% success rate.
we really should be asking Sunny about this–after all she ONLY does girl-girl at the moment.
Brwn Strpr: Gulp it down. I don’t believe in washing the yoni with anything (just water) like that douche stuff. It kills the moisture generally — that would hurt the slip ‘n slide. Plus I think natural yoni smell is awesome. Just not funky smells from food.
Wouldn’t pineapple juice give you a sour sort of taste, Bengali Chick?
PG: It’s more for men (from my experience). But generally it makes cum taste sweeter if anything… not sour.
But generally it makes cum taste sweeter if anything… not sour.
Wow…i’ll have to tell my man that cuz i love giving him bj’s but would prefer it to be tasteful.
:i think you’ll have more success with the “washin her thang before you do it with your tongue” method.
c’mon who has time to wash their “thang”, when their in the moment?
MM #64:
Yeah, but she doesn’t really seem to enjoy it. I personally think she needs to branch out more.
So far we’ve gotten a terse “yes” from BC, and like a thousand-page essay on how awesome her sex life is (with asides on the dangers of seminal preservation, rimjobbery, the influence of the Church on prudish nonsense, whether the term “yoni” is exotic or not) from PG.
Fun.
So…PG…umm…tell me more. I can’t get enough. Really. Please. More. More. Oh god. More.
Sorry. Not much more to tell. Plus, what have YOU devulged???
And the reason I even wrote as much as I did is because net is more or less anonymous. I don’t talk about these things even with my closest friends in real face-to-face life.
I don’t even show displays of affection in public here in USA, what to speak of India.
See how influenced I am?
I’m still working out my virgin/whore celibacy/sex mental samskaras.
Sepia Mutiny is worth every single chunk of bandwidth if all I read are the comments of Salil The Cunning Linguist on ANNA’s posts.
AKKA, your (two-month-younger) thangai here grew up with her parents playing 8-tracks in the car and still owns a tape player thanks to personal and husband’s vintage and mix tapes (yes, mix tapes). How many of you still own an original-edition record player (and I don’t mean one recently purchased through amazon.com)?
This post reminds me of when a whole bunch of us had asparagus as a side dish at a friend’s wedding and ended up with quite the fragrant restroom at the after-party.
Does this thread make anybody else squemish?
Why, Rev. Bayes, are you not comfortable with the posterior?
(This comment for the amusement of the approximately two people who will probably get it).
You’re what!? Feeling squeamish?
Ha! HA, I say!
Let it never be said that I didn’t help push someone over the edge. Dissemble no more! Run for the toilet, instead…
Hi Maitri! How’ve you been? Are you running for public office in NO yet? I swear I’ll move just so I can vote in that election.
PG: “I’m still working out my virgin/whore celibacy/sex mental samskaras.”
These samskaras being such a sad thing given that we come from a rich and varied heritage of wild abandon.
Anna, can you refresh the collective memory of the Mutiny of how the term “happy no-no place” was coined in the first place? Was it at the SF meetup way back when?
Ah, that’s still pure gold. I can’t help but laugh out loud when I try and say that with a straight face.
Allow me to channel Homer Simpson for a moment.
“Mmmmmmm…happy no-no place.”
drool
Damn, Salil. Didn’t realize that the school system acknowledged tossed salad.
*aforementioned disgustingness (#75) courtesy of chickpea.
Because…um, she’s always on the lookout for new ways to make hummus.
PG, you are inspirational. In fact, I am typing this comment while engaged in conjugal bliss with my lover (that’s how I introduce her to all my friends, and no I’m not Paul Wolfowitz) while she recalls Manmatha leelas and the music system plays Yoni, er, Joni Mitchell’s Taming the Tiger. The dog might be watching from the living room, but I am consumed in such tantric pleasure that I can’t be sure.
I see what you did there.
Sounds good!
The TOI have a music production company and they put out an instrumental classical Indian/fusion CD by the name “Kama Sutra” which I’ve made love to on occasion in a candle-lit, incense burning room.
Rasiks, or connoisseurs of love, try to make the atmosphere as conducive for rati-keli as possible.
you better watch out, a lot of indians read this and you might be sued for causing emotional distress….
I wish!
Coach, you already know how much I heart you, but I just fell, like, hard in love.
Coz someone asks about drinking ass juice you fall in love? So then what about someone who actually drinks it? Will you give your life for them or something?
Guess lickin the booty is still something “exotic” and “taboo” for some folks…………
I’m convinced that you are what you eat. My boyfriend agrees. Not like I taste steak when he eats steak but food oh yeah and drugs of any sort do alter the taste. Antibiotics completely screw me up. I hate taking them when I’m sick because I feel different and apparently I taste different too. I also taste different different times of the month whereas he is more consistent.
I wish I had BC’s luxury of having sex everyday. I see him a few times a week and we can’t get enough of each other. It’s like being 18 all over again and for the first time I’m actually enjoying the building anticipation till the next time. Perhaps it might become blah if it was everyday but I like the space in between, it drives me insane.
And all the hangups of having sex during my period when I was younger are all gone. That has been the most amazing thing about getting older. I know what I want when I want and am not afraid to ask about it or feel ashamed about it. God knows I grew up with “cover and hide the shame shame” business myself.
Oh and not like this is some huge secret but being in love adds to the pleasure principle like nothing else. I have never felt this way before and it’s quite possibly the most amazing feeling. To be in love and be one.
Congrats! I feel the same way. Love (lust) is great!
No, because someone wittily mocked you, we fell in love (I’m totally bandwagoning, Tamasha).
Keep telling yourself that.
rahul you are a big nerd!! though it is sort of bothersome i get this as well.
Um, if you read my reply, I mocked her.
Show me some lovin now, will ya, babe?
Speaking of spicy taco, I remind Chechi of her time as the “pink taco”.
Then please explain to me how asking someone if they like to lick booty is mocking them?
Could only be so if booty-lickin was deemed mockable in the mind of the person asking.
Anyway, it’s an acquired taste.
With a handle like bytewords, I’d say your prior is close to 1 on your getting it.
ROFL.
Big smile at 11:25pm in a small grad office.
Please do not generalize from a sample size of one. Your friend is categorically not typical. And what is your issue with caste? It has absolutely nothing to do with anything in this genre.
PG, the way you get excited at the mere mention of sex, one would think you invented it.
I guess its a question of priorities ;).
Literally.
My ex would make me eat strawberries and in her opinion it would improve the taste.
As far as going down on a woman, I think what would help is:
(1)Shower, shower, shower. (2)The leaner the body, the lesser the sweat down there (3)Sometimes just wiping away the outside area with wet wipes helps.
You are damn right!! What an outrageous post !! The comments thereafter, even more disgusting. My sentiments are hurt and I have been grossly offended by this degradation of Indian culture. First, I am going to file a PIL to the easily aroused chief judicial magistrate Dinesh Gupta of Jaipur. Then its time for some effigy burning. The leftover shilpa shetty effigies will do for anna.
(And NO, I am not a 27 year old horny pervert who needs to get laid)