On The Considerable Benefits of Pineapple Juice

haagen dazs.jpg Oh. My. Gawd. Babli. Look at her blog.

It’s like, out there, I mean – gross. Look! She’s just so…FAQ.

With sincerest apologies to Sir with love, but I could not resist. I just read Uberdesi and it immediately had me reminiscing (I reminisce, I reminisce) about high school thanks to the blunt advice contained in one of its latest posts; the straightforward way it handled questions everyone wondered about but almost no one dared ask reminded me of Sassy magazine’s shocking candor. How could I not also recall furtive curiosity, the novelty of espresso drinks, 90210 and most definitely, “Baby Got Back” on auto-repeat in my Pioneer.

Yes, ladkas and ladkis. Akka be so old, her first car didn’t have no bougie CD player. Uh-uh. “Auto-repeat” meant that the stereo would smack it up, flip it and rub it down for me and by that I mean, I didn’t have to physically take out the tape and reinsert it to hear the other side, not that any of you youngsters can relate to this in any way. Haha. I said “reinsert”. (Told you I was in a puerile mood).

So there’s a reason why I’ve got fornication on the brain and it’s all Uberdesi’s fault. Their blogger Amrita wrote a post with a title so naughty, I shan’t repeat it here, but I’ll quote from it liberally because any desi with a healthy attitude towards sexuality deserves some fame and appreciation.

Here’s the deal, your juices are altered by what you eat. While I can’t get enough of mamma’s fish curry, I might have to fight the gag reflex with a mouth full of fishy swimmers. Urban dictionary defines fish curry as, “the vagina of an Indian female.” Not so yummy.

That’s just wrong. I’m really sick of the “tastes like curry” remark. Enough already. What am I not sick of? Lines like this which make me laugh so inappropriately, I forget to be upset:

Who wants to be known for having a spicy taco?

No comment. ;)

Alcohol, caffeine, drugs, and heavy spices among other culprits can cause the funk-nasty taste.

And then, because Amrita is a helpful sort of gf, she breaks it down.

Here are a few tips:
*Drink tons of water and flush out your system.
*Eat plenty of fruits. As if one needed a reason to splurge on heavenly Indian mangoes. Pineapple juice supposedly does miracles.

Omnivores! I am windicated! Amrita says so:

*Eat plenty of veggies. Stay away from foul smelling veggies like asparagus, cabbage or cauliflower. This is a plus for the non-meat eaters as vegetarians taste better.
*Cut down on chowing down on spices like garlic and onion if you want someone to chow down on you.
*Cleanse out your system with green juice (parsley or wheat grass with a pinch of cardamom, cinnamon, lemon or mint).

Wheatgrass with cardamom? I didn’t think you could make those shots of freshly shorn lawn palatable, but hey, I’ll give it a try…for my health, of course. What other reason? ;)

Oh and families of suitable boys: if you are reading this, I have no idea what I am writing, I just blog what they tell me to, okay? This proves that I have the submissive proclivities you hope for in a bahu while establishing that I am very chaste; never would I ever find blog posts about what shame shames could or should taste like interesting. Nope. Not me. I am also not going to the store for some pineapple juice nor will I be purchasing a mango anytime soon. Nooooo. I don’t do things like that. ;)

195 thoughts on “On The Considerable Benefits of Pineapple Juice

  1. I know, PG. My point is that the number of men pressured to wax their genitalia is way less than the number of women pressured to do the same, and I think it’s rooted in some weird and politicized notions of aesthetics. I also think it generally disregards that for many women, being clean-shaven can impair their sexual enjoyment.

    Thanks, DQ :)

  2. Correction, cranberry juice helps keep it up, nout to do with taste.

    If your hairless then it gets all a bit too sticky.

  3. kusala (150):

    Right, I got that. But even taking into account the whole notion of the VMO as a pheromonal sensor for apocrine-secreted scents, or other large molecules, it’s not easy to account for our hairiness. You can have pheromones without hair, after all.

  4. Well my most important #1 is “no hair, no hair, no hair!”

    It’s actually interesting for me to hear the ‘no hair’ business. I was always overly conscious and always got a Brazalian. I feel clean that way, forget even dating anyone. Anyway my fiance is insane about hair. He begged and pleaded with me to grow it. I was grossed out with myself. Seriously it was just mental but he goes nuts. He says he loves the way my smell lingers there and that he can rub himself on it and he’ll smell like me later. I used to think it was all gross but damn if it floats his boat who am I to complain. That boy could care less if I shaved my legs or painted my toes as long as I’m clean but even that he wouldn’t care about and I’m anal about cleanliness but men really are so different. He actually told me that the clean look was a turnoff because it was like a little girl. Go figure.

  5. Rev.Bayes Does this thread make anybody else squemish?
    Why, Rev. Bayes, are you not comfortable with the posterior? (This comment for the amusement of the approximately two people who will probably get it).

    damn it.. I don’t believe that you beat me to the posterior joke. I was just feeling dense yesterday.. Well, my comment was in jest – i can see some people being a bit uneasy about the whole thing.

    Btw, good job with the priorities.

  6. In the context of this thread, its hard not to quote from the poem by the good Brahmin* (for your benefit, PG) girl.

    The sun warms us, the dogs yawn, our teeth grow strong our jaws are numb, for hours we suck out the russ, the juice sticky all over our hand. So tonight when you tell me to use my teeth to suck harder,harder then, i smell sugar cane grass in your hair and imagine you’d like to be sherdi sherdi out in the fields the stalks sway opening a path before us.

    *going by her second name

  7. But don’t ask me why Scandinavians and Inuits don’t look like Yetis. No idea.

    It’s a good thing I wasn’t eating anything when I read this else I would’ve choked!

    many women get irritated when men express dislike for a natural part of a woman’s body…you, as the gods made you, are not good enough. Change, change, change.

    First of all, I think that people assume that what one likes/dislikes should follow some logical rationale. Just like love between boy-girl, girl-girl, boy-boy, boy-other, girl-other, other-other, and all the other possible plural combinations, etc., attraction IMHO has many irrational elements. Is there a logical reason as to why I don’t like hair other than on the head? Sure, some are logical (less surface area for particles to get attached to), but others are purely aesthetic/strong visual/tactile preference. Why do some women refuse to date men who are shorter than they are? Preference. Why do some men refuse to date women who weigh more than they do? Preference.

    I think on one hand, whether it be through societal norms or genetic predisposition, women have a tendency to worry more about their appearance (though I believe this is changing). I mean, how many posts on cosmetics have you seen Abhi, Ennis, or Amardeep start? Off the top of my head without searching, I can remember at least one post by Anna where she was talking about a particular shade of lipstick which she thought would be perfect for her but wasn’t so (please don’t ask why I randomly remember that). And if you go to Nirali, well, there’s a column on that stuff (don’t get me started on hijab and cosmetics).

    Is it that women worry more about these things since men are perceived are being more visual creatures (I believe there’s some science behind this – can’t seem to find the article I’m looking for at the moment)? Or is it that women, in order to attract better mates, began to worry more about physical appearance in order to increase their chances of landing that special “hunter”? So then we have a situation akin to the chicken and the egg. Which came first?

    I think in the end all that matters is you find whatever it is you are looking for with the amount of “change” you are willing to impart on yourself versus others. If your guy likes you au natural, than bravo for you and him.

    Name Withheld – Can we replicate you?

  8. But don’t ask me why Scandinavians and Inuits don’t look like Yetis. No idea.

    You’re leaving out the reds too! Native Americans don’t have much body hair going on either.

  9. i think this means that women have to just become a little more assertive in certain areas. i suppose, to some extent, there has been social conditioning for women to accept male public hair as it is – obviously the hair depilating industry for women is by far more lucrative than as applied to males. i do not know why this is, but it is. so maybe it has never occurred to many of us that this is something we can change, much less ask our men to change it. i know, i know, not a very women’s lib thing to say, but even the most liberal of my girlfriends agree on this point. but just as the brazilian has picked up for females, if more and more women request their mates to wax, or even trim, their pubic hair, it might pick up.

    plus, i do have to say, going completely bare can oftentimes be uncomfortable. and a complete no-no for those of us who go commando on a regular basis.

  10. plus, i do have to say, going completely bare can oftentimes be uncomfortable. and a complete no-no for those of us who go commando on a regular basis.

    how come?

  11. However I do shower usually 2-4 times a day (morning, night and after every poo poo).

    Dayum…OCD much?

  12. plus, i do have to say, going completely bare can oftentimes be uncomfortable. and a complete no-no for those of us who go commando on a regular basis.
    how come?

    CHAFES. Esp, if you are a jeans aficionado. Also, stubble much? Super uncomfortable.

  13. plus, i do have to say, going completely bare can oftentimes be uncomfortable. and a complete no-no for those of us who go commando on a regular basis. how come?

    Chafing. Plus, ingrown hairs, itching, etc. etc. It’s not fun.

    154 (Name Withheld), your fiance is a GEM. I want a guy like that!

    Guys, it’s incongruous to expect Desi women to look as good bald as Caucasian women. Darker body hair leaves darker shadows, especially in the pubic region. I think it just looks weird when I go completely bare. I wonder if too many guys here have grown up watching porn from the mid-90s on. That’s really when the trend of Brazilian waxing took off. If you really think that hiding behind women’s vaginas are perfect, pretty PINK lips…well, this ain’t the right group of women to work with. :-)

    BTW, African people also have very little body hair. It’s really Asians, Greeks, Middle Eastern people and maybe Latin America. Damnit…I want blond body hair – I hate having to spend all this time waxing, plucking, shaving and bleaching.

  14. exactly for the reasons camille stated. it chafes ridiculously (and i almost always wear jeans). and the upkeep – i.e. stubble – is uncomfortable – for both partners. allure magazine recently had an entire article on going commando – it seems that your hair is a natural barrier, eliminating any need for underwear. so i guess when you have no pubic hair, it’s not a good idea to still go commando.

    No Desh – yes, sometimes. depending on the partner, the hair can be a real minus at times. mostly only when it’s too long, or massively abundant.

  15. mostly only when it’s too long, or massively abundant.

    Story of my life. Gotta love being Desi. LOL.

  16. when it’s too long, or massively abundant.

    I’m assuming you are still talking about hair here and not something else…

  17. No Desh, couldn’t you still see it being a problem in the other context? length, not as much, but girth, definitely.

  18. and here I thought there was validity to the “size matters” or “the more, the merrier”. But, I do see what you are saying.

  19. your hair is a natural barrier, eliminating any need for underwear

    A natural barrier???!! Uh. Not much of one, methinks. Sorry, but I think Allure is probably full of it.

  20. [tmi] unrelated to pineapple juice but related to hair … i am more than a little obsessed with depilation. i REFUSE to hook up with someone if i haven’t shaved my legs and waxed my sensitive area. (this tends to only fuel the boy’s desire to get my pants off, oh well). when first inolved with someone, i tend to get brazilians or landing strips often and keep my legs shaved and ready to go. however, with the exception of one person, i’m realizing that i was the only one in each pairing who was remotely concerned with my body hair. some lovers and boyfriends felt neutral about it or just accepted that after a certain amount of time, i would stop grooming; but several more actually found my body hair sexy as hell. two hated it when i shaved or waxed any part of my body!! another on-and-off lover went crazy when i revealed i had gone on a no-shaving ban for 6 months — he said it was the sexiest hookup he had ever had. only my last bf complained when i hadn’t groomed, and he turned out to be a worthless a-hole anyway. so. although i’m still self-conscious about my body hair and like to initially present myself as a hairless wonder, past experience should convince me that my natural state is a-ok. of course all these guys would prefer a trimmed bush during oral sex, but since i hate being on the receiving end, it’s really a moot point. but that is a separate issue. [/tmi]

  21. Guys, it’s incongruous to expect Desi women to look as good bald as Caucasian women. Darker body hair leaves darker shadows, especially in the pubic region.

    And Caucasian women are left with uneven pinkness and redness. Doesn’t look that great either. Who cares?

    Guys shouldn’t be comparing one group of women with another. Be grateful that you get any at all! Though Arab and Italian guys are the hottest, that’s ok for us women to say.

    Basically the Brazilian wax is just an over-rated fad over here. And a painful one.

    I’m bringing hairy back!

  22. I’m bringing hairy back!

    In years past the question (with refernce to Caucasian women mostly) used to be “Does the carpet match the drapes”. And the answer was “Bare floor”. Carpets are making a comeback it looks…

  23. Folks, as long as we are being comprehensive about various kinds of exfoliating, let’s not forget the woolly mammoth in the room. Why don’t desi women rock the Britney look? Discuss.

    Also, people, for best taste results, and if you like some sweet with that tang, I recommend a delicate Grand Marnier cranberry sauce.

    Ingredients 1 12-ounce package fresh cranberries 1 1/4 cups sugar 2 tablespoons frozen orange juice concentrate, thawed 2 tablespoons Grand Marnier or other orange-flavored liqueur

    1. Preheat oven to 325°F.
    2. Place cranberries in 8x8x2-inch glass baking dish. Sprinkle sugar, then orange juice concentrate over. Cover tightly with foil. Bake until juices form and cranberries are very soft, about 1 hour. Uncover; mix in liqueur.
    3. Cover and refrigerate until very cold, about 4 hours.

    Do not forget step 3.

    This can be prepared 3 days ahead. Keep chilled. Makes 2 cups.

  24. A natural barrier???!! Uh. Not much of one, methinks. Sorry, but I think Allure is probably full of it.

    YOU WOULD BE AMAZED. Honestly, hair is there for a reason. :)

  25. 139:

    that these private-parts secretions, when fresh, have chemical components similar to pineapple juice, but when unwashed and allowed to become rancid, are more like rancid something or other (forget the comparison, but unpleasant). It has to do with growth of bad bacteria, or exposure to air.

    yup, damn right. your body – and your lover’s – produces fresh, sexy scents (pheromones from glands, etc.) when it is anticipating sex or otherwise sexually aroused, or even during physical exercise. Once the sweat and secretions have been sitting on the skin for a while, the bacteria break it down and the whole place – pits, genitals – smells repulsive.

    So go take a shower and then get playful…..

  26. The only coherent reaction I had to this post is that it does put a stop to my experiments with meat-eating. I am really not bothered about the funky-spunk issue, since I don’t particularly care to have someone “go down” on me… On the other hand, I would care about having to refrain from my occasional repasts in which raw tuna or raw eel feature in a big way. Especially when a certain chef, having been convinced of my commitment to his preparations, has started offering me a small helping of sea-urchin — usually reserved for “special occasions” — gratis… (I could go on in this vein, including sharing some thoughts on liver ‘n’ fava-beans, but I shan’t belabour the point.)

  27. that it does put a stop… Oops! Read that as “…that it doesn’t put a stop…” @ #182.

  28. A natural barrier???!! Uh. Not much of one, methinks. Sorry, but I think Allure is probably full of it.

    granted, allure is not a great source, but 1. it was an opinion given by a doctor; and 2. it makes sense if you think about it – the pubic hair covers the entire area and protects it from friction and possibly other things. i have also heard from various source that the secondary sex hair – armpits and pubic – are meant to facilitate the carrying of pheromones to your partner. there has to be some reason why humans do not have fur but still have hair in other places. so i would not dismiss that theory so easily.

  29. there has to be some reason why humans do not have fur but still have hair in other places. so i would not dismiss that theory so easily.

    It is all a conspiracy by Gillette. Imagine what they would do in a world with cloning. What would separate us from the apes then? Just an inability to climb trees?

  30. about the caucasian women………i love desi women best, but at the moment i have a swedish gf and she has a blonde pussy…i didn’t think i’d be amazed, but i was…and i am not ashamed to say everyone should get a chance to witness this. also, waxing balls might be very dangerous. i would never risk damage to my favorite part of my body engaging in such reckless behaviour. shaving works just fine.

  31. Nope, just an inability to lick our own privates.

    What do you think yoga is for?

  32. 191 · pj on May 27, 2007 01:39 PM · Direct link about the caucasian women………i love desi women best, but at the moment i have a swedish gf and she has a blonde pussy…i didn’t think i’d be amazed, but i was…and i am not ashamed to say everyone should get a chance to witness this. also, waxing balls might be very dangerous. i would never risk damage to my favorite part of my body engaging in such reckless behaviour. shaving works just fine. 193 · aussie on May 29, 2007 09:41 AM · Direct link witness what pj????

    All ye brownz, witness the bounteous glory of Britt’s blonde bump of which PJ has WAXED eloquent. (Completely suitable for work).

  33. PG # 6 http://www.sepiamutiny.com/sepia/archives/004462.html#comment139098

    As I grow older and find myself for the first time in an actual long-term relationship with a man whom I don’t have much in common with as far as cultural background and habits, interests, religion, etc, I see that sex is a main contributor in keeping us together. By sex I don’t mean just intercourse or oral sex, but general things like hugs and physical affection like pats on the head, etc. Therefore when I hear people say that sex is not enough to keep a couple together, I wonder. Reading some relationship books I’ve come across statistics that show that the two major contributors to marital arguments are 1.finances and 2. sex. Physical affection being a deep-rooted human need all the way from birth, even pre-natal, I make the assumption that a good physical life (including sex) can go a long way in bonding two people together for a very long time. Afterall, endorphins are released when someone touches us in a loving way. So when you have that going on regularly I imagine it could keep you happy on a continuous basis.

    Oh my God, just one year ago I was in a relationship and writing this.

    Funny how we change, often in just a short time.

    Sigh.