All over the greater diaspora, Aunties bemoan that desi children are picky. How will they ever be satisfied? How will they ever settle down and start popping out the requisite grandkids?
Aunties can sleep better at night now that SCIENCE is on the job. Examining peoples’ behavior in online dating settings (which is equivalent to looking at biodata), they’ve noticed a few clear patterns:
Men are easy – they are generally interested in hotness above all. 
Women are choosier, but it turns out their preferences are fungible. This is good news for aunties because it gives them a metric with which to translate different suitor’s attributes to a common scale, allowing them to rank apples and oranges. They can tell, for example, whether an average woman (in this study) is likely to prefer the not quite as handsome, shorter i-banker or the more gorgeous, slightly taller, high school English teacher.
What is this common scale? Money. According to these researchers, women will forgive men’s flaws if (gasp) they earn more.
Consider looks. A guy can compensate for ordinary looks with more moola, which tells us what he has to reveal in his biodata if he wants to be a playa:
Suppose you’re an ordinary-looking guy whose online picture is ranked around the median in attractiveness… And suppose you’d like to be as successful with women as a guy whose picture is ranked in the top tenth. Then you’d need to make $143,000 more than him. If your picture is ranked in the bottom tenth, you’d need to make $186,000 more than him. [Link]
Cash also acts like elevator shoes for our shorter brothers:
… a 5-foot-0 guy would need to make $325,000 more than a 6-foot-0 man to be as successful in the online dating market. [Link]
Race matters too. Generally speaking, men were more willing to date somebody of a different race than women, with the exception of Asian women who preferred White men over others. (3/4ths of Asian-white marriages have Asian women and white men [Link] )
For equal success with an Asian woman, an African-American needs no additional income; a white man needs $24,000 less than average; a Hispanic man needs $28,000 more than average. [Link]
It’s not clear whether brown women act like their other Asian counterparts – any thoughts?
Lastly, if you want to get around these sorts of hurdles, skip the biodata and move straight to cha:
… people who are terribly picky in choosing partners online will relax their standards if they spend just three or minutes talking to someone at a speed dating session. [Link]
There you go. Now that science has helped Aunties, maybe it will come up for a way for the rest of us to be able to evade them. Oh yeah, it’s called caller ID 
In case you’re interested, here is the academic paper in question
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Related posts: Speed kills (part 1), Speed kills (part 2)
Muralimannered, you’re welcome:) I mean it as a compliment. Have you never heard that tongue-in-cheek expression applied to men before?
Or you go out and get on the career ladder and make that kind of life for yourself, as many of us women now do. Wonderful thing, liberation. Though I agree with you that on the semi-arranged market the older equations (women’s looks, men’s money) are more likely to prevail…
shouldn’t penis size count for something. i happen to be blessed with a very large dick….genetics
OJ – unfortunately, men can’t quite, um, display the goods the way we women can. Though height is supposed to be a proxy/indicator.
There’s no need to even go as far as cosmetic enhancement, the cosmetic industry in general/ exists only for this purpose, and has developed in such a way to rival NASA scientists. Lip gloss that actually makes your lips 2 sizes bigger! Mascara that increases your lashes by 20%.
And you trivialize wealth acquisition so rapidly? Men are forced to work unfullfilling, boring jobs for the sole purpose of accumulating said wealth, only to find ourselves psychologically moribund for not being able to pursue our passions in life. Not only that, society requires men do all the heavy lifting in the relationship “pre-production” phase. We must repeatedly put ourselves on the line by approaching and initiating, and this is a clear male-female inequity that most women are all too pleased to allow to persist. An episode of “Beauty and the Geek” illustrated this perfectly, when they had the “hot girls” go into a club, without designer clothes, without makeup, and attempt to get guys to buy them drinks. For women used to sitting back in their thrones and awaiting approaches, now having to initiate, this sort of repeated rejection was a rude awakening.
This sort of pressure can be just as damaging and draining as the pressure to be “hot.” Just as men are no more “superficial” in choosing a partner, neither are our hurdles more or less “fair”
I WOULD, and HAVE, done more than “bat an eye” at that kind of talk.
Women: Do you really find d) to be true for yourselves?
I thought it was size of your feet or the distance between your thumb and index finger…dammit i need a new job!!
I am white and I dated and married a desi. I would say that I am reasonably attractive, 5 feet 7 and my husband is 5 foot 7 and no, he does not make 386,000$. In fact, I make more than him. He is the most warm, cuddly person I have ever met. The fact that I am a good 3 inches taller than him does not bother him in the least. Without taking too much credit, I can safely say that I have played a very significant role in his personal development and his integration into American society.
I could have married someone white and taller than me who made a million dollars a year but I did not. Studies such as this are too simplistic.
While your story is interesting and informative, and personally I’m glad you shared it.. even you must realize that it’s crazily, ridiculously, outside the norm.
The study shows peoples behavior when dating on-line, which should be similar to the way they act when confronted with biodata. However, the post also says that evidence shows people change their behavior when they have a chance to see somebody IRL, face to face. It’s still relevant though because of the number of desi relationships that come out of on-line dating or matrimonial ads where this sort of screening is commonplace.
Apparently, I have successfully managed to ruffle the feathers of both sides in this debate. Mission accomplished.
seriously though………what’s the forecast for a really really good looking desi who doesn’t have so much. if i was a few inches taller i would easily have been gabriel aubry, but i may have to settle for english teacher or cop. i think i am cooler than 95% of dudes too. desi american girls let me know what bracket i fall into…..i love you all and i really, really want to marry a really, really hot one. is this possible, or will i have to settle for one with a gut?
This is the funniest shit I’ve read in weeks.
Long time lurker, first time poster.
Have to jump in and back up ennis. His post is valid b/c I think it does apply to arranged/semi-arranged marriages. My wife and I had met virtually through a Sikh matrimonial website, and of course, dated in person afterwards. I was attracted to her post b/c she seemed funny, independant, blah, blah blah. She states that she responded to my reply (out of the many she got) because I had a job that paid very well. To this very day, she tells me that one of the reasons she eventually married me was because of my job. The clincher? She makes almost as much as I do, and alot more than most of my male friends. Financial issues are usually cited as the most common reason for marital problems; in her mind, if thats the case, then why not marry $$? It will be one less (hopefully) issue to contend with.
BTW, despite my wife’s gold-digging tendencies, we both get along famously and are a ‘perfect’ fit.
“The amazing them to him is how all of the sudden women started to see qulaties in him that they didnt see before. He now had “amazing eye’s” he also has a “big heart” and is considered “very funny!”
Shallowthinker a lot of ladies thought Biz Markie was cute as hell after he started making money….they caught the vapors!
Also, mad props for the repeated used of the word “biodatum”.
Duuude, did you notice the initials of #157 ? Is she who I think she is — or am I still too new to this community ? If this mystifies you, PG, let it be. If not, then welcome back!
Pardesi Gori, weren’t you dating a Rastafarian not so long ago? How is it that you’re married to a desi guy now?
Hema wrote:
Fixed that for you.
Strippers aren’t poor.
Relatively poor – not of the investment banker’s financial and social class, i.e.
SP An in-demand stripper at a top club can pull more $$$ than an i-banker any day of the week…as far as social class..I mean who cares?
SP wrote:
The problem with using “patriarchy” as a “reason” for an ethnicity based dating “preference” is that it’s a gross generalization. East Asian women say the same thing and it’s not any more true for them as it is for Desi’s. Also, it carries with it can implied view that all the “other” males are less likely to be overbearing patriarchs. Again, that view is just not true as well. There are men of every race, color, creed, etc., that will treat women like servants, and that have overbearing families, it’s not race, religion, ethnicity, country specific. The particulars of the situation might be, but not the idea.
This is not to say that the horrible behavior of some men and the culture that allows it shouldn’t be called out. As you stated, noise has to be made so people are aware and society can change. A real social problem shouldn’t be used to justify someone’s irrational dating prejudice however, that’s just being disingenuous.
Sexist, blanket statement; spare a thought for the poor Male Strippers:(
2 view points ( and ,no,I am not gonna tell you which one I subscribe to! )
Pragmatic view Marriage is a difficult relationship at any time so why not marry for money and ensure that there is plenty of it to cushion the ride? At least , that way you reduce one possible cause of stress
Amba,
Once again please don’t indulge PG, she has a history of making similar statement and it is difficult to keep a track of her stories. This doesn’t add anything to this discussion which has relatively troll free for a change.
“Also, it carries with it can implied view that all the “other” males are less likely to be overbearing patriarchs”
Adam..I hear you..the thing is with desis it can get funky…I mean I can see a woman’s POV; she’s pissed because her bf wants her to learn to make pooris like his mom….the bf just ASSUMING she would because his mom did the same and held down a full time job as a doctor (damn!). I think the whole issue of patriarchy becomes onerous when men assume that their girlfriends would naturally do all the things their moms did…it ain’t gonna happen…A white guy won’t bring that baggage to the table…cause his mom just heated lean cuisine!
Can’t you be a combo of both? Personally, I married my husband because we had fun together, he was extremely family-oriented and caring, we had sparks, shared the same religious values, and because he had a good job and lots of ambition. Do I expect him to be the primary money-maker at this time? Yes, because I want the option to take time off for future kids and/or experiment with business ideas. Am I willing to consider his dream of being a stay at home dad for a while? Yes, if I’m pulling in a good amount of money and am happy with my job. I think unless you’re entering into a relationship with that combined romantic/pragmatic view – you may be setting yourself up for failure.
Don’t know about you glass house, but as a male, Korean-American adoptee, my white adoptive mother did a lot more than just heat up lean cuisine. She cooked a full dinner meal almost every day of the week, and that was after a full day of teaching 5th graders. My dad is a lawyer, so it’s not like he was sitting on his butt all day.
My upbringing notwithstanding, I don’t expect my future wife or even serious girlfriends to cook my dinner every night “like my Mom” did or to cook chicken just like my Mom.
As much as the media would like people to think otherwise, patriarchy and assumed gender roles are alive and well in Caucasian culture. That is if the family even stays together, but that’s another issue.
Also, as much as sons have mother complexes, women have father complexes. It goes both ways, and neither side is right. The assumed actions of partners are just different for each gender.
A white guy won’t bring that baggage to the table…cause his mom just heated lean cuisine!
What if his mom is Italian, and thinks your woman badge should be revoked, because you can’t make a good brachiole?
If a guy’s got a mon, he’s bringing baggage to the table (with apologies to all mothers-in-law everywhere).
Sonia # 177,
Agreed. That’s why I did not state if I believed in one viewpoint over another-I was just presenting 2 opposing viewpoints into the discussion-thats all
I think the key is “shared values” – which is usually a product of similar backgrounds and upbringing.
For example: Except Hindi movies and the cheesiest Romantic novels, I personally do not know of a single case where a very rich girl fell in love with a very poor guy ( or vice versa). I think its far more likely that you are attracted to someone of at least similar economic status simply because you are likely to have more in common.
I’d really be interested to hear from anyone who has seen examples of the extreme types depicted in romantic literature/movies : you know, the kind where the millionaire’s daughter runs away to be with a pauper etc
Moreso than that, it’s “shared experiences” A woman who grew up deciding which yacht to buy will have no relatability to someone who’s entire life savings couldn’t cover the rudder.
I saw that episode of Everybody loves Raymond!
Dude if you need to state what apparently is obvious to you you are lacking some serious game. And if you don’t have $$ and obviously lack the mojo getting a ‘really really hot one’ is out of your league.
I think when a woman cites ‘patriarchy’ as an example of steering clear off some males it is immediately assumed that she means all those men are chauvanistic pigs who’d probably abuse her and expect her to serve him hand and foot. Patriarchy is so much more than that I’ve learnt in my life. It’s so many implied little pressures that we women feel when you marry someone that comes within the culture. The expectations that are part of a patriarchial culture don’t always have to be about ‘cooking and cleaning and having babies’ but often about conforming and bowing down to parents and other implied codes of behavior that come part and parcel of cultural baggage.
Some women have put up with that mild but consistently shitty form of oppression and don’t want to deal with it again. Honestly as a woman I understand. I am not offended for my fellow brown brother because he may be great but you still gotta deal with his family and the patriarchial culture that comes with it.
Runa ~ my husband and I have often talked about how money marries money … but that makes for lavish weddings, so I’m not complaining =)
Out of all the weddings I’ve been to, I can only think of 1 where the groom was extremely wealthy and the bride’s family was not – but from watching Hindi movies you would think it was more common!
I saw that episode of Everybody loves Raymond!
Busted. And I even looked up the spelling of “brachiole” to make sure I got it right. Dammit.
I need to get taller….
Why dont I-Bankers have personality. I’m an I Banker. I have all sorts of interests. I’ve starred in operas and play 3 instruments. I read poetry and philosophy. (and im even nice to girls i go out with). What the heck is wrong with I-banking as a career choice. I actually have fun at my job…Geez. the hostility…
Puli
actually hems, raymonds mom didn’t want the wife to make a good brachiole. she felt the wife was moving into her territory and ruining her special relationship with her son (and husband). i think in one episode she even went as far as to secretly change the spices in the wifes cupboard to ruin her dishes.
i’m sure this is all very profound and relevenat.
oj, i think you are just stupid and suffer from an inferiority complex. you can never get a hot girl. (And to add to the stupidity, you say 1) you arent tall enough or 2) very rich or even like 3) ultra cool either. So I think it will be almost impossible.
“If a guy’s got a mon, he’s bringing baggage to the table” “but you still gotta deal with his family and the patriarchial culture that comes with it.”
Hema and Joat,
I suspect that, when you wrote the sentences above, you were thinking about your husband’s mother, or your fiance’s mother or a potential life partner’s mother, as the case may be. But you also have brothers and maternal uncles, do you not? Would you write such sentences thinking about your own mother (who is a mother-in-law to your brother and a sister-in-law to your maternal uncle)? And what of yourselves—you are sister-in-laws to your brothers, aren’t you? Would you write the same sentences thinking about yourself as a possible oppressor? Would you not think,”My brother’s wife must be constantly telling my brother how bad Hema is or how bad Joat is?”
i think in one episode she even went as far as to secretly change the spices in the wifes cupboard to ruin her dishes.
Yes, yes. Tarragon for basil, or some such.
The point is, mom-in-laws are tough, and patriarchy is alive and well outside the desi community too.
Would you write such sentences thinking about your own mother (who is a mother-in-law to your brother and a sister-in-law to your maternal uncle)?
Yes, I would and IRL, I actually have. I love my mother, I think she’s terrific, but she does a lot of passive-aggressive stuff with my brother’s wife that makes me crazy. In fact, I notice it more now because my mother-in-law does almost exactly the same sort of stuff with me.
I have enough married non-South Asian friends who complain of similar issues with their own mothers-in-law.
That’s fair and square of you, Hema
I can’t speak for the specific people you mentioned, but I think a lot of people in their position, actually would concede to it. My cousins friend is in India, in their community, what happens at the proposal stage is this:
The grooms family invite like 100+ of their relatives and the potential bride + her parents and maybe some close relatives. to some big lavish dinner.
They make the girl read the newspaper, recite poems and other weird shit like that. If it were me, I’d have her run a mile (she better do it in under 8 mins), then ask her who’s a better pound for pound fighter: De La Hoya or Roy Jones, Jr., but that’s another story.
Now, when my cousin’s friend was in the hotseat, she immediately bemoaned, “ugh the culture, ugh the patriarchy, ugh women have to go through this, that and everything else” but when she was a part of the groom’s side (like say when here second cousin twice removed gardner’s boy was hosting) her reaction was, “Woohoo! Free dinner!”
Puli(if i may call you that), forget I-banking, you should be in PR. nice work!
Yea, mon! And it’s not limited to the kitchen either. I’d always wanted my SO to be as sexy as my mom (unless there’s a citizenship carrot involved, of course)
Actually, by ruining her dishes, Marie was saying; “Debra, do not be like me. Free yourself of traditional roles and go forth to fight the patriachy.” Marie is the mistress of spices, a woman from the old world who is not what she appears to be. Sometimes liberation comes in the form of sabatoge.
The complex feminism of Everyone Loves Raymond is highly underrated.
yes you may call me that. and thanks, but I dont think i could do PR. The PR dudes i know all grew up in greenwich and wear armani suits. Just dont think i would fit in there. I can still be a normal guy and be pretty successfull in a bank.
Now Jeet – if you could figure out a way to have a grown man grow by like 2-3 inches, id be in business!
I have nothing to contribute to this thread, but I do have to say that was hilarious.
And yo, I can do it under 6:00! Who wants to marry Shruti?!
Thanks for the tip. As a mom of (adorable) boys I will make it a point to do absolutely nothing for them at all so that their expectations are not tragically dashed in later life. Phew, what a breeze this is going to be!
Ok Can’t let the mom-in-law bashing continue without standing up a bit for them coz I have been blessed with wonderful in-laws who really do treat me like a daughter Having said that , don’t we all have issues with our own parents’ treatment of us at times?
Yet its not moms but Mom-in-laws that get a bad rap in all cultures .Look at it from the poor guy’s point of view:His mother was probably the most important female influence in his life till he gets married and the wife enters. Bound to cause some adjustment pangs, no? DISCLAIMER: This is just my 2 paise… I am neither defending nor denigrating all moms/moms-in-law etc
i-banking is PR, minus the subtlety.