Straight eye for the guerilla guy

Inspired by Anna and Sin, I thought that I would try my hand at fashion criticism. But where to start? I’m straight, and hardly fashion forward. I needed somebody who was in greater need of assistance than myself somebody like … Prabhakaran. While I may not be able to wage a decades long war against the government in Colombo, and I don’t have a cult of personality of my own, I can certainly dress better than him. [Yeah, I'm brave, blogging behind an anonymous handle and making fun of the head of the Tamil Tigers.]

So, ‘Tamil Eezha Desiya Thalaivar’ (how could I call him Thambi?) Velupillai, if you’re listening, here’s what I learned from reading GQ in the gym:

  1. Stocky guys should not wear horizontal stripes. And what’s with the camo tiger stripes? That was never in.
  2. Avoid mixing different kinds of stripes. For example, don’t have a sunburst coming out of your head while wearing a hat and shirt with the aforementioned camo tiger stripes.
  3. While hipster, ironic, trucker caps were in a few seasons ago, they’re not any more. And a thundercats type logo cap is only appropriate for a press conference if you’re Ashton Kutcher.
  4. If you have to have a big grimacing cat on your flag, don’t stand in such a way as to make it seem like the cat is taking a big bite out of your arm. It’s distracting, although not as distracting as the camo tiger stripes or the sunburst coming out of your head.
  5. Belts belong close to your waist level, not up above your navel. And a wide belt like that, worn so high? It makes you look fat. Also, try to match your belt with your shoes.
  6. Don’t wear a pistol under your armpit. It makes it harder to draw, and leaves the butt smelling … like armpit.
  7. Cyanide necklaces are out this season.
  8. Don’t shoot the messenger. Or blow him to smithereens.

More images of the man on the Tiger webpage.

85 thoughts on “Straight eye for the guerilla guy

  1. He carries a Heckler & Koch USP in a cross draw holster with a Dr Optic holo sight … now that’s a pimped out set up !

  2. Don’t know about the advice, looks pretty cuddly to me. Almost makes me want to donate, but to WWF.

  3. Tsk tsk tsk Ennis…Me thinks that you’re being too hard on Tiger here. Something has got to be said for the ‘seksi’ handle bar moustache!

  4. I don’t know where he shops, but I think he needs to change his shirt size.

    Some people just refuse to change their apparel size from their high school days….grow up!

  5. Excellent advice!

    So, Velupillai, if youÂ’re listening, hereÂ’s what I learned from reading GQ in the gym:

    Hey, but why are you talking to his father?

  6. Wow, he’s swollen up like a tick… but at least the porn star mustache is back. He should think WWFD. What Would Fidel Do?

  7. Hey, but why are you talking to his father?

    you beat me to ti vikatakavi.

    i’ve had to explain this before – so i thought i’d share this. for those wondering about the comment, the “given” name appears last for many thamizhs/tamils.

    for example, let’s your dad’s name is aravindh. your ancestral village is thanjavur and your name is vijayan. you would right your name as thanjavur aravindh vijay or T.A. Vijayan.

    Now.. the situation gets a bit murky if you come to the US and start working as a professor in a university. Your peers would like to call you by your first name… but it would lead to some raised eyebrows if the uninitiated start yelling out for vijayan in the corridors… imagine you being paged by your “surname” . get the pic?

    it isnt an unusual practice. the poles and the russians practice it – the use of the patronymic that is – for example vladimir illyich’s dad’s name was ilya etc. one way the old folks kept track of clans and villages. but i’m meandering.

    let’s get back to ennis.

  8. Some people just refuse to change their apparel size from their high school days….grow up!

    oh i can totally relate to that sister – the day i had to jump my speedo from sze 32 to 34 was the day i left a little piece of me behind in the change room – it was a giant skidmark if you must know.

  9. I’m trying to figure out if what he’s wearing counts as a necklace, because I’m not really seeing any “neck” in between his jaw and his sternum here–it’s like someone just plopped his head straight down on his shoulders.

  10. Congrats, Ennis! This:

    DonÂ’t wear a pistol under your armpit. It makes it harder to draw, and leaves the butt smelling Â… like armpit.

    has got to be the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time.

    BTW, a friend of mine avers that the pattern of Velupillai’s outfit was a very popular pattern for women’s underwear a few years back. I, however, feel that her fashion analyses are always subtly off the mark. Anyone here would like to back her up ?

  11. Did someone mention it was hilarious… especially since you are a scared straight guy with not much fashion sense! :D

  12. Not Columbo. COLOMBO

    Thanks. Sorry about the typo, it was late and it wasn’t the sort of thing that the spell check would catch when I did not.

  13. Over t-giving, my family was watching old videos of our youth, and we were all admonishing my mother for having us pull up our pants way past our navels, with our belts halfway between the navel and nipple lines. Apparently, this guy’s mother did the same thing, but unfortunately, he’s not outgrown that phase. And, if he’s really chasing some bad guys, that belt can’t be good for chest expansion to let in O2.

  14. And, if he’s really chasing some bad guys, that belt can’t be good for chest expansion to let in O2.

    I don’t think that he does much chasing …

  15. Hahahahahahahahahahaha

    The moustache needs a trim for crying out loud. The rounded edges does not exactly give the “grrr” look a fearless leader should be aiming for. He is however following the rule that one needs to follow if you are pear shaped. Wear your belt in the skinniest part of your waist, right under your ribcage. Of course you have to be a woman to follow that!

    BTW, a friend of mine avers that the pattern of Velupillai’s outfit was a very popular pattern for women’s underwear a few years back. I, however, feel that her fashion analyses are always subtly off the mark. Anyone here would like to back her up ?

    Yes circa late 1990s but in sheer fabrics or cotton only. If it’s nylon or some other spandexy stretch it’s not Victoria Secret but Fredericks of Hollywood! And good girls don’t wear anything from Fredericks! :-)

  16. Hillarious Ennis. I just hope for your sake you’re not in Jaffna anytime soon – or Toronto! :-)

  17. Man, I know the Tigers are a fierce, brutal, violent organization responding to real, very important sociocultural and political problems, but everything about them has always made me laugh. Even the name “Tamil Tigers” reminds me more of an 80s supervillain team than a “terrorist organization”. I hope for their sake that his voice does not sound like Skeletor’s.

  18. JoAT, thanks for the following :-)

    Yes circa late 1990s but in sheer fabrics or cotton only. If it’s nylon or some other spandexy stretch…

    You’ve just made someone’s day (and I think I’ll have to apologise to her for doubting her fashion claim).

  19. My English teacher in 8th grade (and some other young women then) had a major crush on Prabhakaran. That was 18 years ago. He was younger, she was younger and I had a crush on her. So, I paid extra attention to what my “rival” was up to. Never thought about his dress, though.

  20. And good girls don’t wear anything from Fredericks! :-)

    You know, I think it is limiting and unfair to compartmentalize women as either “good” or “bad,” when the reality is a little more murky. And there’s nothing wrong with that — as the poet Christopher Bridges indicated, most guys like women who are a mix of “good girl” and “bad girl.” ;-)

  21. So, ‘Tamil Eezha Desiya Thalaivar’ (how could I call him Thambi?)

    I heard only two years ago that Thambi is used in some circles (Hindi wallahs living in Hyderabad) as a mildly derogatory term for a Tamil. Not a very bad word like the N-word here, but with mild impact, similar to, say “Okie” or “Bhaiyya”. I don’t know if it’s used elsewhere, though.

  22. You know, I think it is limiting and unfair to compartmentalize women as either “good” or “bad,” when the reality is a little more murky.

    Paging Spoorlam!! Fredricks of Hollywood has some fabulous feather dusters that double as whips to knock some scarcastic sense into ya!

  23. I heard only two years ago that Thambi is used in some circles (Hindi wallahs living in Hyderabad) as a mildly derogatory term for a Tamil. Not a very bad word like the N-word here, but with mild impact, similar to, say “Okie” or “Bhaiyya”. I don’t know if it’s used elsewhere, though.

    Wikipedia claimed that amongst his supporters he is known as “Thambi” or little brother.

    Trust me, while I might be fool enough to diss the man’s clothing, I’m not about to deliberately insult a man that dangerous in such an off-hand fashion.

  24. Why ju askin me? You ask as if I would know! AHEM!!

    You seem to know that good girls dont, so it seemed like the next obvious question

  25. I personally thought Danny DeVito with a tan but Stay Puft works too.

    I’m sure they’ll get Danny DeVito to play him in “Little Bro: the Prabhakaran Story”… maybe M. Night could direct it…

  26. Erm, that was in reference to the “who does he look like” debate.

    N-not the “good girls” vs. “bad girls” one…

  27. Wikipedia claimed that amongst his supporters he is known as “Thambi” or little brother. Trust me, while I might be fool enough to diss the man’s clothing, I’m not about to deliberately insult a man that dangerous in such an off-hand fashion.

    I saw that page earlier. I know you wouldn’t dare…Well, I wouldn’t, at least. I guess, he was “Thambi” because when he started out, he was very young. There are other famous Thambis. I think the speaker of the TN legistlative assembly at some point was a dude named Thambidurai. What does that mean – Lord Kid Brother?

  28. I’m sure they’ll get Danny DeVito to play him in “Little Bro: the Prabhakaran Story”… maybe M. Night could direct it…

    “Unbreakable:The Little Tiger in The Water”

  29. Haha…

     <i>Don't know about the advice, looks pretty cuddly to me. Almost makes me want to donate, but to WWF.</i>
    

    At first I thought you wrote WWE… makes just as much sense.

  30. At first I thought you wrote WWE… makes just as much sense.

    Vince McMahon really needs our help, guys!