Straight eye for the guerilla guy

Inspired by Anna and Sin, I thought that I would try my hand at fashion criticism. But where to start? I’m straight, and hardly fashion forward. I needed somebody who was in greater need of assistance than myself somebody like … Prabhakaran. While I may not be able to wage a decades long war against the government in Colombo, and I don’t have a cult of personality of my own, I can certainly dress better than him. [Yeah, I'm brave, blogging behind an anonymous handle and making fun of the head of the Tamil Tigers.]

So, ‘Tamil Eezha Desiya Thalaivar’ (how could I call him Thambi?) Velupillai, if you’re listening, here’s what I learned from reading GQ in the gym:

  1. Stocky guys should not wear horizontal stripes. And what’s with the camo tiger stripes? That was never in.
  2. Avoid mixing different kinds of stripes. For example, don’t have a sunburst coming out of your head while wearing a hat and shirt with the aforementioned camo tiger stripes.
  3. While hipster, ironic, trucker caps were in a few seasons ago, they’re not any more. And a thundercats type logo cap is only appropriate for a press conference if you’re Ashton Kutcher.
  4. If you have to have a big grimacing cat on your flag, don’t stand in such a way as to make it seem like the cat is taking a big bite out of your arm. It’s distracting, although not as distracting as the camo tiger stripes or the sunburst coming out of your head.
  5. Belts belong close to your waist level, not up above your navel. And a wide belt like that, worn so high? It makes you look fat. Also, try to match your belt with your shoes.
  6. Don’t wear a pistol under your armpit. It makes it harder to draw, and leaves the butt smelling … like armpit.
  7. Cyanide necklaces are out this season.
  8. Don’t shoot the messenger. Or blow him to smithereens.

More images of the man on the Tiger webpage.

85 thoughts on “Straight eye for the guerilla guy

  1. And a thundercats type logo cap is only appropriate for a press conference if youÂ’re Ashton Kutcher.

    puhleez…that is so obviously an alien pod-outfit logo. Besides, dressing like Ashton is so “now.”

    Belts belong close to your waist level, not up above your navel.

    Kiera Knightly, LaLohan and Sienna Miller will beg to differ. They have been known to wear belts up to “there.” I think he is edgy and totally ahead of the fashion curve. cough ;)

  2. come to think of it, he does sort of look like a fat narf…

    Casting suggestions:

    Danny Devito: Prabhakaran M Night: Mike “Freeze Frame” Reddy (war photographer whose images will change the world) Mel Gibson: Mel Wallace (recovering alcoholic who smuggles arms to the LTTE. Blames the Jews for oppressing them) TMBGITW: Monica (ethnically ambiguous UN observer who gets caught up in the conflict)

  3. The dude looks just like the actor Arvind Rathod, who plays “Bapuji” in bahus-turn-the-tables-on-their-in_laws Sony drama “Thodi Khushi Thode Gum”…..

    Separated at birth: Diabolically devious Gujarati patriarch and so-hip-it-hurts Tamil guerilla supremo. There’s definitely a Karan Johar movie in there somewhere.

  4. Casting suggestions: Danny Devito: Prabhakaran M Night: Mike “Freeze Frame” Reddy (war photographer whose images will change the world) Mel Gibson: Mel Wallace (recovering alcoholic who smuggles arms to the LTTE. Blames the Jews for oppressing them) TMBGITW: Monica (ethnically ambiguous UN observer who gets caught up in the conflict)

    Anyone know M. Night’s cell#? This will undoubtedly be his next blockbuster…

  5. The dude looks just like the actor Arvind Rathod, who plays “Bapuji” in bahus-turn-the-tables-on-their-in_laws Sony drama “Thodi Khushi Thode Gum”…..

    Jai Singh you just outed yourself as a MIL/DIL desi drama addict! I mean who would otherwise know the name of an actor on one of those, especially if he looks like Mr Tiger here. Is there something you want to tell us??

  6. JoaT,

    Is there something you want to tell us??

    My parents watch that show so I’ve occasionally seen it when I’ve been at the parental home. I’m not exactly a big fan of MIL/DIL dramas. Although some of the young ladies are quite hot.

    You can’t “out” me about anything that easily, Rupaul ;)

    Anyway, the best show in the world, as everyone knows, is Two And A Half Men.

  7. Although some of the young ladies are quite hot.

    Agreed. The looks of the people on Indian tv shows these days are really amazing, and not any less than what you find in Bollywood. One annoying thing about Indian tv shows is that they don’t tell you which actor/actress plays which character, so you see a bunch of really hot actresses but you never get to know what their names are. Not that knowing that information would really enhance my life or anything, but still it would be kind of cool to know (for me, I realize not everyone cares) if a particular actress was Punjabi or Maharashtrian or Bengali or whatever.

  8. Anyone know M. Night’s cell#? This will undoubtedly be his next blockbuster…

    Soundtrack by M.I.A. … theme song “Claws Of The Tiger”

  9. Soundtrack by M.I.A. … theme song “Claws Of The Tiger”

    They’re saving that one for the Rocky where Stallone fights the evil Indian outsourcer.

  10. They’re saving that one for the Rocky where Stallone fights the evil Indian outsourcer.

    He could recycle his classic line from “Cobra” : “You’re the disease, and I’m the cure”

  11. You can’t “out” me about anything that easily, Rupaul ;)

    nice come back Jai applause…but you lost me with the following:

    Anyway, the best show in the world, as everyone knows, is Two And A Half Men

    .

    seriously??? charlie sheen..seriously??

  12. Anyway, the best show in the world, as everyone knows, is Two And A Half Men

    That show is funny…but I don’t think it is the best show in the world. I would rather watch a reality show any day …so much more drama and very unpredictable.

  13. You know, I think it is limiting and unfair to compartmentalize women as either “good” or “bad,” when the reality is a little more murky.
    Paging Spoorlam!! Fredricks of Hollywood has some fabulous feather dusters that double as whips to knock some scarcastic sense into ya!

    Oh well, I suppose my own mock seriousness didn’t come through in this format. (I was hoping the Ludacris/Usher reference would make it clear that I wasn’t being serious.)

  14. This man is still responsible for abductions, murders and continuting terror. and he doesn’t dress well.

    right.

    thanks for trivializing the misery of millions of people.

  15. post script: solidarity with the tamil struggle for equality, and all the people of sri lanka, but not this self serving obscenely wealthy asshole.

  16. thanks for trivializing the misery of millions of people.

    Butter, do us a favor and go find some warm bread.

  17. This man is still responsible for abductions, murders and continuting terror. and he doesn’t dress well. right. thanks for trivializing the misery of millions of people.

    I was waiting for this comment, and thought I had managed to squeak by when I saw it. I’m not ignoring the horrible things that he’s done himself, or the broader set of horrible things that he’s responsible for. We’ve blogged on numerous occasions about the blood on his hands.

    But you know what? When I wrote the post, I wanted to laugh at him for a change, rather than castigating him. I could tell you about the long tradition of laughing at mass murderers, including Hitler and Stalin, but there’s no point if you can’t see that laughing at somebody doesn’t mean endorsing their actions or ignoring their misdeeds. It’s just different.

  18. fair enough. I didn’t mean to come across bitchy or holier than thou, but here’s figure that illicits really difficult, very real, feelings in people and then to have a very detached comedy entry written about him was unsettling. To me it felt like it sent the message that we are so removed from the daily insecurity this conflict causes in people that we don’t really care. I guess there was some ambiguity in terms of your intent. But I get where you’re coming from and thanks for the quick reply Ennis.

  19. Anyway, the best show in the world, as everyone knows, is Two And A Half Men.

    Ugh. Surely everyone knows the best show in the world is The Amazing Race, followed closely by Project Runway?

  20. He’s a major terrorist who has deliberately murdered loads of civilians. He’s not some cuddly teddy-bear figure you can talk about patronisingly on your blog. Would you give “fashion tips” to bin Laden or Hitler? (And don’t give me crap about the Sri Lanka government being guilty too – I don’t speak for them)

    PS: He’s a terrorist, not a guerilla.

  21. Amitabh,

    Not that knowing that information would really enhance my life or anything,

    That made me laugh my head off. Gold star to you for the funniest sardonic comment on SM since, well, since the last one written by me.

    JoaT,

    GRRRRRRRRRRRR

    Arre chup yaar. “Sashay, chante.” And all that.

    Jeet, Chi_Diva, CthulU,

    Re: Two And A Half Men

    Yeah I think it’s frikking brilliant. The clever one-liners are absolutely superb. And you can just switch off like you would when watching Frasier, knowing that you’re going to get 30 minutes of witty, sharply-written banter and excellent entertainment on many different levels.

    Well, I really like it anyway. Some quotes from the show here — I dare you to keep a straight face after reading these !

    And yes, Charlie Sheen is brilliant in the show, due to his world-weary performance and his poker-face when delivering all those snappy one-liners I mentioned.

  22. He’s a major terrorist who has deliberately murdered loads of civilians. He’s not some cuddly teddy-bear figure you can talk about patronisingly on your blog. Would you give “fashion tips” to bin Laden or Hitler?

    Seom, see above, comment #69.

    Actually, yes, I think that mocking bin Laden, Hitler or Stalin is a good thing. It doesn’t diminish their deeds, but it does diminish their stature. People with cults of personality act in ridiculous ways.

    Just as laughing and condemning aren’t incompatible, it is possible for somebody to be both a guerrilla and a terrorist.

  23. That made me laugh my head off. Gold star to you for the funniest sardonic comment on SM since, well, since the last one written by me.

    Thanks Jai. I was just trying to head off some comments I could anticipate if I didn’t put that in there (along the lines of ‘how would your life be any better if you DID know the names of the actresses?’). Sometimes you have to be really proactive on this site!

  24. To Roger:

    First of all, you need to loosen up. it’s a goddamn joke! Second of all, this attitude of yours is what gotten Ceylon Tamils in the mess they are in now. I’m talking about intimidating/killing/abusing of anyone who has a different view.

  25. ennis: Maybe Roger was suggesting that it’s pretty expensive there? That can’t be right though, I’ve lived in Toronto and Sri Lanka. It’s not that bad. I say visit later in January and take advantage of Winterlicious and the -20 weather.

    Roger: What the hell? Redirect that energy into doing something positive for Ceylon/Sri Lanka if you really feel outraged, it’ll be a million times more productive.

    seom: “(And don’t give me crap about the Sri Lanka government being guilty too – I don’t speak for them)” Soooo, you speak for who? The Tigers? You don’t speak for anyone and you’re just giving your opinion. Stand behind it; don’t hide behind “I don’t speak for them”

    Tylor: Yeah, it’s people like Roger that created the mess in Sri Lanka, what with the existing and all. Not to defend what I perceived to be a threat against Ennis, because it’s clearly not defensible (it’s criminal). But your “second of all” response was rather patronising. [As is this reply] Let’s stay on topic and stick to fashion tips.

    For example: “I like the camouflage trend when it’s done very feminine and sexy

  26. Prabakharan suicide bombed me today and totally ruined my shopping trip.

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/6197562.stm

    I couldn’t go to the tea gift shop I wanted to because it was bombed, so I had to go to another branch. Which gave me change in the from of a stack of notes — each worth ten freaking cents. What the hell am I supposed to do with a stack of dime notes?

    Way to go Prabakharan. You totally screwed my morning.

    Navin

  27. Amitabh,

    Sometimes you have to be really proactive on this site!

    Tell me about it. I’ve had a little experience in having to insert tiresome explanatory “caveats” too, as you know. I think that some (certainly not all) commenters here like being pedantically argumentative just for the sake of it and obviously have a little too much free time on their hands.

    Anyway, apart from one or two of the most famous actresses, I don’t know what most of their names are either ;)

  28. Good old Vellu has put on years as well as weight. He does not get much exercise holed up in his Wanni bunker. Plus all those farewell diners with the suicide faithful has added to that imense girth, fat round the chin and the cheeks. If he is approaching the looks and likes of Michaelin pappapa. Never mind. He does look like a Shivaji Ganesean or a biggher version of MGR. And that too with a loyal following to boot.

    So who cares about the looks.

    And don’t poke fun at his fashion. His is a serious business….I mean BUSINESS (which is what it is, for both the government (billions in arms) and the striped kind (also billions in drugs, kappan money). So a lack of style or a sense of color or elegance is made up by clout. And I mean CLOUT!

    Not to worry too. Very soon, Kuruna Aiya in the east will also get fat and puggy: he is alreaday putting on a pot.

    So two is company ? Right?