Yesterday I went mattress shopping with C., a Bombay blogger who swore I would forever impair his prospects of sex and progeny if I posted this story with his actual name, which is Chandrahas. This dude is stylish and brilliant in all respects except his choice of blog friends, who are apparently complete bastards. We didn’t mean to go mattress-shopping together. I needed furniture; he had the day off; he was young and needed the money.
We ended up at Foam Palace, a typical Bombay roadside shop where they make custom mattresses. This was a novel concept for me. The salesman dragged a pad onto the sidewalk and made a great show of squeezing the soft edges sensuously. But my ideal mattress has sturdy edges like a grilled cheese sandwich. The mattress was still covered in plastic like all good Indian appliances years after purchase. I lolled around under the stars next to some bemused pavement dwellers while dirty water dripped out of a drainage pipe overhead.
I asked C. to try out the mattress. The salesman looked on skeptically. ‘We’re not, uh, together,’ I said. C. flopped backwards and concocted a story about how some competitor made them twice as soft at half the price. It was only good for a few bucks off. You only lie convincingly when it’s your own money you’re defending.
Down the street was a shiny new American mattress showroom — let’s call it Kinky Koil. The sales guy pretended his system wouldn’t let him give me a discount.
‘What system?’
‘The spreadsheet is password-protected.’
It was Excel. ‘Dude, I designed that feature,’ I said, exaggerating a bit. ‘I’ll unlock it. Now give me that discount.’
He looked aghast. So instead I showed him an easter egg in Word.
C. was bored. ‘So, like, how is that relevant to anything?’
‘Don’t mind him,’ I said sweetly, ‘it’s just a marital spat.’
C. swore again to knife me lightly in an alley dark. This in a country where straight men walk hand-in-hand down the street.
Later that night, Anuvab merrily slurped Thai curry and described his theory of extramarital affairs in Bombay while his wife listened in amusement. ‘Any married man in Bombay who wants to have an affair leaves his house for an encounter with every intention of success,’ he said. ‘But then he fights traffic for an hour and has only gotten up to Dadar. So he says fuck it and goes home.’
It’s the chaos theory of marital fidelity. Down with the new metro: it will doom Bombay marriages 
I am puzzled, why is this such a big deal in US, considering how sexually emancipated american society is. In India it means camaraderie. When I first went to US, one of the helpful suggestions was that physical contact between 2 males (Holding hand, or giving hugs)is not looked upon favourably.
Regards
The sales guy pretended his system wouldnÂ’t allow him to give me a markdown.
But Manish, you can’t get a markdown at a proper shop/showroom, can you? I don’t know, but I thought that you get to bargain only in bazaars.
Manish and Chandrahas, I wish both of you much happiness together. And I hope you enjoy that mattress.
A clip on youtube would be fun as well.
Like I said, “his blog friends, who are apparently complete bastards” 🙂
I want to be able to say that about things millions of people use.
“Wow, this straw BENDS” “Dude, I designed that feature”
“Daddy, did you know water gets bigger when it freezes?” “Dude, I designed that feature”
“Crazy, this wheel is round” “Dude, I designed that feature”
“Hunny look – this condom has bumps on it” “Dude, I designed that feature”
muahahaha! Chandrahas – Now I forgive you for not flirting back at me. (My efforts did go waste then!)
Manish – you know how “telephone” works, right? Give it 48 hours and people will be talking about how you moved to Bombay to live with C, who married you in Boston last week.
‘Any married man in Bombay who wants to have an affair leaves his house for an encounter with every intention of success,’ he said. ‘But then he fights traffic for an hour and has only gotten up to Dadar. So he says fuck it and goes home.’ Amazing theory!! And think, bhery true
Ahhh (bee). We have two Abhis and an Abhijeet all posting on the same day. This could get confusing.
This whole scene- the idea of mattress shopping with a male friend is foreign to me. Not that there’s anything wrong with that:) But having spent almost my whole life living in America, I find myself intrigued with the similarities and the differences of life in Bombay. I agree with bongbreaker being able to say “dude, i designed that” is priceless.
ennis:
you got it all wrong!
word on the street is manish moved to india to dance in hindi films, work his way into bollywood, supporting himself selling photos of juhu beach and the chaat wallahs…
i heard from another person that he is in the running of winning the role in the upcoming ‘copyworks’ pictures production of how ‘kaavya: the downfall of an overachiever….crushed under pressure’… he will be playing her ranger rover driving neurosurgeon father…
oh damn…now the queen song is ringing in these ears… ohh… it’s good old freddy mercury… and ironically from the parsi colonies mumbai nontheless… 😉
Gaurav,
It’s a very big deal here in the UK too. Culturally, holding hands is regarded as a purely romantic gesture, which is why guys don’t do it.
Hugging isn’t such an issue these days though, but prolonged physical contact between 2 guys is a definite no-no.
I want a ranger rover. Range Rovers are so passé.
Chick pea has given me an idea. Let’s run a competition, first SM regular (posters included) to feature in a Bollywood film wins a prize. Extra, hijra, best boy, dancer number 18 – what you do is irrelevant, as long as you’re on screen or in the credits (preferably with just your first name).
Uh, let’s watch the heteronormativity, shall we?
Apart from if they’re gay, drunk or posing for an Old Navy catalogue. Sweater round shoulders. I walked around America like that, I thought I rather cut a dash.
Did you know that a part of Indonesia recently passed a law putting a limit on public kissing? You can kiss, but only for less than five minutes. That’s a fairly long time for a snog!
Manish bhai does chachi know about this bidness of ‘bedding shopping’ with a ladka? 🙂
Different cultures. Camaraderie in the east, effeminate/gay in the west! Holding hands is considered a very intimate gesture. Other then a boy I’ve only held my parent’s hands. Incidentally my dad still grabs my hand, at the wrist like I was 5, when crossing the road!
Clearly you’ve never been “bed shopping” with Manish.
how do they monitor? is there a dude with a stopwatch 10 feet away? that’d be a fun job! do they tag you, like they do with double-parked cars, and check back a bit later? can you do it like squirrels — make out for a bit… run around to change locations then go at it again? does the limit attach to the pair or to each individual? like, could one person hold down a corner and run through a bunch of 5 min kisses? if manish n C were testing out a mattress at a roadside shop, would that be considered public? this is totally fascinating. BB, you must find out more!
Huh Manish? With apologies to C. – “So, like, how is that post relevant to anything?”
To quote — ‘WeÂ’re not, uh, together,Â’ I said — Unquote Why the need for an explanation Manish? I am almost certain the salesman looked on sceptically because of the simple wear on his matress and not because of any personal views on sexual politics.
Dripping pipes, bargaining in bazaars, microsoft excel ,men walking hand in hand — what is new??
Neale
See the love espressa? You ask, I do.
Kiss kiss
classic! so…. who’s gonna fly over n put this to the test?
that’s funny because it was only last week that i was snuggled up with my little gulab jamun in the back seat of my mamaji’s paint-stripped Qualis, as I hastily drew the dust-splotched curtains over the windows in hopes of distracting the narial wala while my lover began to hover near my nether regions as she started to fellate me when i remembered THIS article and cut the fun short.
SIGH
I just got a flashback to when my girlfriend and I went to Paris for the first time. We hadn’t been going out long and thought we were being awfully risqué. Then right in front of us, at about 10pm on a balmy June night, a couple were shagging in a wide open space in the Jardins de Tuileries. Damn French, always have to go one better. Imagine that happening in India, ha.
I have some friends in Indonesia, they’ll put me up if I go there. I’m willing to test it out. Now all I need is a volunteer to ‘help’ me. Come on then.
Oooh don’t all rush to volunteer at once, hohoho. Hoho cough
Ahem…anyone?
Yes you – oh just scratching your head huh?
Someone must…no one?
No? No?
Right.
I’ll get my coat.
You don’t need a coat…you’re going to Indonesia. Average temperature – 36C year ’round. We’ve got two seasons – rainy and more rainy! 🙂
See, I thought he was skeptical b/c he didn’t think you’d actually try out the mattress, especially one lying on the sidewalk!
So Manish – which mattress was better? The sidewalk-walla’s or the Kinky Koil one?
I woulda’ liked the kinky koil one
hahahahah
i can hear manish say the ‘dude’ part spot on and the thunk of the guy’s jaw falling.
VBSF – don’t worry I’ve spent lots of time there. The ‘I’ll get my coat’ may have been a slightly obscure reference to a British TV show. It basically means “Fine, I’ll go home now”.
You know if Abhi had written this post it would be about the NASA space mattress that moulds around your ass. I want one of those mattresses. With microgravity restraints. Now THAT’S some kinky koil action.
Bongsie —
My aunt accidentally ended up in an Indian porn! Is that close enough?
rupes… medishine-shmedishine psh… you need to change your profession – you got a talent there.
Rupa, that is Supa. I missed that post! Class A1 tip top funny yaar.
But! Is your aunt a Sepiite? Is porn Bollywood? I think you’ll find the competition is still on.
PS – What was the film called? A friend wants to know.
Yep, just macho men expressing their bonding with each other … 🙂
bongbreaker:
love it.. we need an official contest… and kudos to manish if he can get himself in a film while in mumbai.. come on manish…. 😉
OMG dupagirl that was a hysterical story. Desi parents can be a riot. I took my mom to see one of those topless review shows when we were in Vegas. I wasn’t sure how she’d react. It was really quite beautiful and entertaining. Anyway towards the end they all got on this platform and came closer to the audience and took a walk in front of us very close. My moms eyes suddenly got big and she looked at me and said “OMG they don’t have any blouse on.” This was an hour into the show! And the whole time we were barely 20 feet away.
But there have to be stipulations. It can’t be Raju selling vadapav on the street corner or Pappu trying to sell gajra at the signal. It only counts if he plays a hijra or ends in a porn like Rupadapa’s aunt!
Wow, Rupa, wow.
I’m weirded out now for multiple reasons, but that was a great story.
Speaking of taking parents to nude revues, here’s a favorite post by PG.
Hahahahah OMG that bit about the grandmas and grandkid by the busloads I could have only imagined…
‘Don’t mind him,’ I said sweetly, ‘it’s just a marital spat.’
C. swore again to knife me lightly in an alley dark. This in a country where straight men walk hand-in-hand down the street.
Yeah, dude, I understand that this was not meant to offend, but it’s a non-sequitor. IMO, one of the reasons that men who think they’re straight are able to walk down the street holding hands is because lgbt people have been so invisible until recently. See here for how much tolerance there is in parts of India.
Yes:
A film culture which only mentions gays when ridiculing them, affords lots of room for hot hetero phrendship. [Link]
Does this mean that the disapproval of public male-bonding (for lack of better words) in US is due to presence of LGBT ? I was thinking may be such social POV had some historical reasons.
Indian social customs are not easily affected by Cinema, rather it is very much opposite.
Regards
“Someone else” – I blogged on GBL rights a year ago. It bears repeating, but we’re not oblivious to the issue of discrimination and worse.
Hey , This is my first time on your blog- found it extremely funny- could relate to the Bombay traffic scene completely Great work!
Let me see if I’ve broken this down correctly:
I needed furniture; he had the day off; he was young and needed the money.
You hired an escort.
We ended up at Foam Palace
Pillow talk ensued.
while dirty water dripped out of a drainage pipe overhead
Things got exciting.
I asked C. to try out the mattress. The salesman looked on skeptically. ‘We’re not, uh, together,’
You asked for something funky.
how some competitor made them twice as soft at half the price.
Money became an issue.
Down the street
You left.
I haven’t figured the rest out, but so far, it’s great story, the imagery and irony (however, I do think “slurped on Thai curry” is too overt; same goes for ‘The spreadsheet is password-protected,’ there’s got to be a better way to say ‘use a condom’).
The very best line: “C. swore again to knife me lightly in an alley dark. This in a country where straight men walk hand-in-hand down the street”… A man making love in an alley, how noir.
😉
“Someone else” – I blogged on GBL rights a year ago. It bears repeating, but we’re not oblivious to the issue of discrimination and worse.
I’m aware. I don’t want to get into an argument about the politics of the blog–I just wanted to point out that gender norms for men that are a bit more enlightened than in the U.S. and acceptance of same-sex relationships are not the same thing–that’s all.
Does this mean that the disapproval of public male-bonding (for lack of better words) in US is due to presence of LGBT ?
Withouht having studied it, I doubt it–though I would guess that the need to make one’s self appear “manly” by social standards is probably always a factor in gender presentation.
at the same time, the very active and interesting desi gay scenes in american cities, and the broader texture of desi gay life, get little coverage in the site nor much attention from commenters. one result is an all too easy slip into what papal mehta called “heteronormativity.” it’s something that we — not just the bloggers here but also the commenters — can do better on, and hopefully shall. not just for “political” reasons, but perhaps more importantly because it’s as much part of desi life as anything else.
peace
Hardginger, LOL. Someone finally cracked the code. I agree it’s an allegorical masterpiece.
OMG! hardginger – you put the story in a whole new perspective! LMAO!
This in a country where straight men walk hand-in-hand down the street.
Maybe thats where Dubya got the idea from when walked hand in hand with the Saudi King.
when he walked
Manish, this thread is hilarious. I’m laughing so hard. How many people read it & went straight to MS Word and typed in [=rand()[Enter]]? I know. One. (Have you ever held down [Shift] for 5 seconds?)
Bong Breaker et al.:
Forget the French. I think Manish just “went one better.”