Translate a Huffington Post

The Huffington Post, a recently launched group blog aimed at the B-list starfucker demographic, hosts a bizarre post by U.K. Maxim editor Greg Gutfeld. It appears to be something about a party in Delhi, or perhaps a dream sequence conceived in an opium-induced stupor:

Things are still going nuts at Alaknanda Jayagopal’s house. Aparjita and Agilah broke into the liquor cabinet, and Gaurika, Fulmala, Heenfu and Indrani started a dance party in the garage. Remember Crystal Water’s “Gypsy Woman?” Well, Dishwari, Fazeela (and her sister, Devapriya) do. They are kicking it, live. Dishwari is also playing truth or dare with Anvita, who dared Deepika to actually swallow a live chicken. Deepika isn’t even speaking to Gangika. Totally off the hook. [The Huffington Post]

If anyone can speak Gutfeldese, please decipher this for us. Winner gets the pride of proving they’re at least as smart as an editor of Maxim. Losers must live with the shame of having read the The Huffington Post.

44 thoughts on “Translate a Huffington Post

  1. Here’s my guess at a translation: Alaknanda Jayagopal = Russell Simmons Aparjita and Agilah = Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen Gaurika, Fulmala, Heenfu and Indrani = the former members of En Vogue Deepika = Lindsay Lohan Gangika = Hilary Duff live chicken = Vincent Gallo Kanush = Lloyd Grove

    So is this supposed to be a bad parody of Indian people, or a bad parody of white people?

  2. I think Deepika= Paris and Gangika = that other girl on Simple Life.

    Now I’m going to shoot myself for guessing that.

  3. This guy is an oaf. Gangika — a pretty obscure name as it is — is a girl’s name, not a guy’s. Greg probably thinks all Indian curries are made with curry powder — a common misconception among so-called Indophiles.

  4. Either this guy’s a toolbag making a really stupid in-joke, or he’s been spending way too much time partying in Whippany NJ…

  5. Believe it or not, Greg is an old friend of mine. And — again, believe it or not — this post, which has you guys so mystified and even angry (?!), is about a party that Greg went to. A house party. Given by some Indian friends of his.

  6. It would also help if he had given some hint that he’d actually attended a real party, instead of signing his post “Kanush.”

  7. Spelling is not Greg’s strong suit. He’d be the first to admit that. It’s just amazing to see so many people (not just on this site, but on others too) getting so flummoxed/miffed/agitated over a few meaningless, piffling Web posts. i.e. It would help if everyone would just lighten the eff up.

  8. Mark

    Spelling is not Greg’s strong suit. He’d be the first to admit that

    Thats funny. He’s an editor and he cant spell what an idiot. What are you his boyfriend? Tell him to come here and explain the joke himself instead of being a silly twat.

  9. Uh, not for nothing, but regardless of whether he got the names right, I really don’t think it was intended as poking fun at East Asian culture in the least. It’s just as funny if you insert Russian, African, or any other non-Anglo names in gossip sheet doggerel. And it’s not that deep.

  10. Believe it or not, Greg is an old friend of mine. And — again, believe it or not — this post, which has you guys so mystified and even angry (?!), is about a party that Greg went to. A house party. Given by some Indian friends of his.

    So basically, what you’re saying, Mark, is that people attributing some sort of attempt at meaning or symbolism or creativity to your friend’s post are wrong, because what Greg wrote is just a really poorly written, almost incomprehensible, literal rendering of an event he went to.

    I’m fine with that if you’re okay with saying that your friend’s writing is totally devoid of content ;)

  11. I have to agree with Mark.. the post was just meaningless… by no stretch of imagination can it be called offensive… lighten up guys!

  12. It’s just as funny if you insert Russian, African, or any other non-Anglo names in gossip sheet doggerel.

    Why’s that so funny? Because the “ethnic” people should be serving hors d’oeuvres instead of making total fools of themselves?

    Wow, think twice about your unconscious prejudices…

    And although it would be nice if he would double-check the names, I don’t see it as offensive. My sister’s name would probably end up misspelled too… happens all the time. Plus, he probably didn’t even hear it right the first time. I am just now slowly being able to break myself of the embarrassing “uh, could you say that again? I didn’t catch it” habit.

    Which is better than missing it entirely, and then misspelling it in a gossip column, btw.

  13. Holy smokes! Game over! “Ads” wins the translation contest by a mile. Of course, he/she was the only person to make an attempt, but that shouldn’t diminish the magnitude of his/her victory. Hold your head up high “Ads,” while the rest of go back to mindlessly hitting refresh on http://www.huffingtonpost.com/.

    live chicken = Vincent Gallo

    Merely picturing that in the context of the story is going to make me laugh for weeks.

  14. I’m sticking to my original assertion. I wasn’t offended by Gutfeld’s post. I found it to be nonsensical, thus leading me to assume it was conceived under the influence of a banned substance. Perhaps some premium grade Afghan poppy powder. Hey, I too like to hit the H-spoon every now and then before blogging, but I expect a little more from an editor of Maxim — the sole source of comfort and apex of literature in my household. Gutfeld could have at least illustrated his tale with nearly-naked pin-ups of Aparjita, Agilah, Deepika, Fulmala, Gangika, Gaurika, Heenfu, Indrani, and maybe Kanush. He’s an editor at Maxim, for criminy’s sake. He can make half-nudity appear with the snap of his fingers.

  15. Oh, you all are so being played. The Huffington Post is actually written by two grad students at Michigan studying the impact of the blog post on the consciousness of the desi minority vis a vis the the greater consciousness of the larger web community. Duh.

    Anyway, I was too confused to be offended. I was all, like, whaaa????

    Apul – what is an H spoon?

  16. I think he is a twat.

    Still got something to say about my use of the word “cunt”?

  17. To me this is about, that Indian names seem forgiegn to Greg, and he is pointing that out.

    Ok. good one. Glad to know.

  18. Ajai!!

    Is it really you??

    No, really, is it really you??

    Have you been in lockdown with any dregs of society recently, you mighty chronicler of the dark side??

  19. I won! Party at Alaknanda JayagopalÂ’s house tonight! The liquor will be flowing, the chickens will be squawking, Vincent Gallo will be giving people cancer, and there will be plenty of Afghanistan’s finest to still the voices in Apul’s head. Ajai and Courtney, you guys are down, right?

  20. FYI Sepia was mentioned in Gawker.com · Greg Gutfeld, translated. [Sepia Mutiny]

  21. Ajai

    Dont shed tears because I spanked you for your hilarious posturing and pompous prose! Your affectation and contempt for those ‘cunts’ in the slammer! Who werent as brave and hard as you! Take it like a man, dont be such a sap, there’s nothing more pathetic than a middle class Indian boy born with a silver spoon in his mouth trying to act like a grifter who brings us the news from the whores and the cunts and the dark side, man….

    If it upsets you, write a poem about it, just make sure you publish it on your radical srudent newspaper so I can laugh at it.

    And dont take yourself so seriously, you’re so damn pompous ;-)

  22. I’m still waiting for a straight answer on the twat/cunt issue, Punjabi Hypocrite.

  23. Ajai Bukowski

    You don’t understand why referring to people thrown in the cell as ‘contemptible cunts’ as you swam amongst the ‘whores’ and ‘lowlife’ is different from calling a piss-taking halfwit a twat? You need that spelled out? An unprovoked call against vulnerable people to bolster the self-promoted image of yourself as a hard living hard smoking macho hero who doesn’t give a damn about political correctness and masturbates to Hunter S Thompson when really you’re just a sap, you cant tell the difference?

    Who said I was averse to using these terms anyway? I called you a contemptible cunt after ripping apart your juvenilia and that rancid passage in an earlier post, did you miss it? You deserve it for your attitude. ThatÂ’s not hypocrisy, thatÂ’s truth telling.

  24. Ajai the Gonzo Hero

    The other thing that makes you foolish is this: You rant and rave about how you love that redneck fuckwit Hunter S Thompson because of his take-no-prisoners-shit-on-political-correctness style of writing and attitude to life, but when it comes down to it you cant walk the walk. If all you’re interested in is being nasty, posturing and posing and screwing the politically correct, why the hell did you squeal when Anne Coulter came to your campus? That’s where shitting on ‘political correctness’ ends up, in the clueless nastiness of Anne Coulter and her ilk. You should have been cheering her on for her nastiness, because that’s what you’re into, right? Take no prisoners, tell the truth, push the envelope as far as it goes, that’s you, right? Now that really is hypocrisy.

  25. Oh, just let the boy be, PB. You wouldn’t engage anyone else at such length who used phrases of the following quality:

    I’m still waiting for a straight answer on the twat/cunt issue, Punjabi Hypocrite.
  26. One last thing: anybody who uses the word ‘cunt’ to describe people as casually as he does is a woman hating mysoginist too. It is a disgusting and degenerate word to use in the context, it is a sign of idiocy.

    Yeah, ‘twat’ isn’t a very “disgusting” and/or “degenerate” word is it? I really don’t understand, Punjabi Hypocrite.

    I loved your little attempt at a critique of Blueprints because it was so… serious and well thought-out (just like everything else you post)! I’m sure your fans weren’t disappointed!

    Oh, just let the boy be, PB. You wouldn’t engage anyone else at such length who used phrases of the following quality:

    He just did, dude. Maybe he got upset because he’s insecure about his own writing ability and creativity? Who does he write for? So easy to criticise other people’s heartfelt work in a comments section isn’t it?

  27. Ajai Bukowski

    WhatÂ’s with the sensitive poet shtick? I thought you were a grifter through the underbelly of life laughing at the contemptible cunt’s who arenÂ’t as macho as you? You have a very thin skin for a macho man who donÂ’t take no shit off anyone. Yeah, I stick by it; cunt is a degenerate word to use so casually to describe those that deserve pity, especially when you are talking about ‘whoresÂ’ and trying to make yourself appear to be a big tough cool dude at their expense. As I said in the lines you quote, itÂ’s about context. You know what context means, donÂ’t you? It is a vicious and nasty word to use, except in cases when it is deserved or provoked, like when I described you using that similitude for your misanthropic hateful sentence. Have you got a problem with that? What are you going to do about it, get yourself arrested? You write like a poser, a chest beating look-at-me attention-seeking jackanape. Stop trying to jerk off in your prose and trying to show the world how dangerous and tough you are, shut yourself into a room and read some real writers, not the junkies and pricks who you try to follow, fools like Hunter S Thompson. This kind of writing isnÂ’t writing, its masturbation. Then write humbly and write for the love of words, not for the love of yourself, and donÂ’t write with hatred for indiscernible and small people who deserve pity and love rather than contempt.

    And stop whining like a puppy dog. If you want to be a writer grow a thick skin. IÂ’m giving you all this advice for free, take it as you like, it could make a man of you ;-)

  28. PB…you are the man and only funny bloke.

    IMO you are being a bit hard on the kid, lets let it slide. Of course you are free to tell me to push off.

  29. vurdlife

    Do you think so?

    OK.

    Ajai, feel free to call me a cunt, twat, ask me if I do nothing but fuck my wife up the ass all the time, I wont bite you anymore. You can have the last word. I dont want you to go into a depression over this. Fuckin hell, Hunter S Thompson just blew his head off with a shotgun. Shit. I take it all back. I dont want to be responsible for you doing that. You have alot of heart and energy, if you want to be a writer write humbly and dont write with contempt for little people, and dont write to make yourself seem like a rock and roll star. Get your hair cut, smarten up, read some decent writers and best of luck. I mean that sincerely. You have talent and chutzpah, just dont waste it on writing with contempt and useless anger. And yes, I am a cunt who does nothing but fuck his wife up the ass.

  30. DesiDancer! I am so sorry! The shock and horror must be overwhelming.

    Punjabi Boy is MARRIED???

    Tears flow all over the Sepia Mutiny Comment-o-sphere.