Category Archives: Humor

55Friday: The “Why Can’t I Be You?” Edition

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As I sniffle, sneeze and snuffle while unlocking the venue for our weekly nanofiction orgy, I find myself feeling mildly guilty for posting this six hours later than I usually do. I know readers on my home coast (where it is barely 6am) aren’t bothered by such tardiness, but mutineers here…well, sorrrrry.

While I normally choose a theme on my own, this week I had some help from co-blogger/fellow Colonial Sajit and a few of the readers who commented on one of his posts, which expressed how describing any brown art with desi spices was gag-worthy.

I must say, whatever resistance I had to the “write something like you’re a clueless reviewer, thus abusing ‘spices’ in every possible way” concept melted thanks to that Badmash of ours, who can get me to agree to anything, especially when he brings up one of the curries I love most (though my mother makes it with potato and not fish, natch) AND the ingredient they always discovered me sneaking nibbles of in the pantry:

Sajit, I agree. Anna, how ’bout it – 55s as angry as meen curry and as sharp as imli! 🙂

Mmmm, imli/puli. Know what else put me in a good mood? You might not, since a good number of you don’t read comments, which is sad when our readers go above and beyond rapid-fire ranting and write something priceless. Bongsie? Here’s lookin’ at YOU, kid:

I have perfected the art of knowing the Sepiauthor by reading the first line and no more. I’m flawless with Abhi, Manish and Anna but I need more work when it comes to Sajit, Vinod and Ennis. This was a CLASSIC Abhism:
“Since I am both an outdoor enthusiast and a lover of outdoor “gear,” I subscribe to the Adventure 16 newsletter.” (quotes mine)
This sums up his role as the MAN of the house and also demonstrates somewhat eccentric reading material – a must for any blogger. Great topics for Abhi to post about: WAR, POLITICS, WAR POLITICS, FIGHTING, MACHINES, SPACE, CAPITAL LETTERS, ROCKS and RAW MEAT.
Manish is more esoteric and loads up the sarcasm.[linky]

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Crisp or Not

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One of my college buddies was mired in a highbrow Ph.D. program for many long years. The next time I saw him, he’d put the degree on hold and gone into business with a mutual friend, and they seemed to be doing well. ‘What happened?’ I asked. And Jim and James told me the story behind Hot or Not.

As you know, that site inspired has lots of imitators, some parodies, some not. From fertile brown minds came RateDesi. Now there’s a new contender to help you winnow your beard-sniffing dreams. It’s called Rate My Turban (via Ash Singh).

I don’t think I give anything away when I say that the top-ranked specimen perches atop the cranium of a Nihang Sikh:


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Oh, What a Tangled Wig We Weave…

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baldie.jpg

How far would you go to avoid something unpleasant? Would you lie? Cheat? Publicly HUMILIATE yourself? Via the BBC:

Bollywood star Salman Khan has given an unusual excuse for not attending court this week in India – he was recovering from hair implants, his lawyers say.

Oh, it hurts to chortle THIS much. The Khan I like least had to stay home to recover from all the plugging he took. An advocate for the wispy one had more to add:

Khan’s lawyer, Dipesh Mehta, said this was the first time the actor had had hair implants.
“Salman Khan had just returned from Dubai and undergone hair-weaving treatment,” he told the BBC. “He was also suffering from flu and not feeling well.”

Feeling plugged or not, Salman is in trouble. Not showing up for his trial resulted in cancelled bail (and the Beeb article…and this post…and the evil gleam in my eye…)

Salman Khan is accused of killing two blackbucks, a small, protected species of Indian antelope, in the city of Jodhpur during a film shoot in 1998.

Mais oui, Vain-y McPlugster denies all charges. Most of you are aware– this isn’t the first time he’s behaved badly and claimed innocence. In 2002, Khan decided that homeless people looked like road and drove over them, killing one and injuring three. Besides this poaching case which he’s attempting to unplug from, he also faces a trial in Mumbai for that stunning example of deadly recklessness. Continue reading →

Purple is for Freedom

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Giving Jindal the finger

As you may recall from a past post, during Iraq’s first election earlier this year, Congressman Bobby Jindal sent an email out to his fellow Republican lawmakers: paint your fingers purple in solidarity with the Iraqis. It was a great political stunt. Now it seems that some bratty little ten year old girl from Montana has stolen Jindal’s idea and gone national with the Purple Finger for Freedom campaign:

If Shelby Dangerfield were an adult in Iraq today, she would risk her life for the chance to vote.

Because she is a 10-year-old Billings girl, Shelby won’t be going to the polls. But she will be will be showing her support by wearing ink on her finger – just like those Iraqis who have voted.

“It will symbolize our support if we wear ink on our fingers,” Shelby said. “We’re not forcing them to vote, but they have a chance to do it and they should take that chance.”

Shelby said Saturday afternoon she hoped to set up a stand at Rimrock Mall today where people could sign their names and roll their fingers on a stamp pad, but her plans were not yet inked.

She’d love to wake up Monday morning and see people around the United States with blue index fingers.

“Do you have your blue ink?” she asked. “It’s food for thought.” [Link]

Well isn’t that precious? It makes me sick! How can ideas just be stolen in a law-fearing and God-fearing country like the U.S.? Does this little girl have no shame? Has anyone seen people with purple fingers over the last three days? The only fingers I see in L.A. are while I am driving, and none of them have been purple. There are some folks participating I’m sure. I wonder what it would take to get a “Sepia finger” campaign going. I’d need a good cause of course. Continue reading →

Desi pak

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Found inside a medicine bottle:

DESI PAK

The technique used to cram entire extended families into a single Ambassador or Bajaj. Related expression in Hindi: ‘ghusna,’ to squeeze in quickly, quietly and off the books before the train leaves, your shady money-making scheme is shut down or the government babu cuts off the subsidies. Not to be confused with ‘Pak Desi.’

PERFORMANCE PACKAGING

I don’t suppose they’re referring to latex. No s-hecks please, we’re desi.

HARMLESS

Harmless, fatalist and philosophical. A non-conquering, non-converting subcontinent with a Hindu rate of growth and long, whinging, political addas. Then everyone goes home and returns the current party to power.

ADSORBENT

Attracts liquids — either Old Monk or Señor Walker.

DO NOT EAT

Please do not eat the desis.

(UNLESS WE BEG FOR IT)

It’s all good then.

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55Friday: The “Everything Counts” edition

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The grabbing hands, grab all they can, everything counts in large amounts. Tonight, a certain group plays Washington, DC. I won’t be there, but I have fond memories of seeing them live; they were my first concert as well as my last. I used to carefully write “Music is the only thing that matters.” on all my mix CDs, I’m famous for kicking someone out of my bed (get your minds out of the gutter– I wasn’t in it) because they disrespected the easiest bossanova song to appreciate of all time. Like the scent of Madelines, music conjures past lives powerfully.

Today, if you are in search of a theme, find one in aural pleasure: concerts, music, memories of the first song you ever danced to with a boy (“Bizzare Love Triangle”: in 1989). As always, write freely and ignore such suggestions if you desire; the most important thing is that you leave your sweetest perfection (or a link to it) in the comments below. Continue reading →

The Deepak Sutra

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Deepak Chopra is coming out with his own interpretation of the Kama Sutra (thanks, Cicatrix). What a coincidence! I was just telling myself, ‘You know what I need for the holidays? I need to read a sex book by a guy who could be my father.’

Since you never read the paperback Kama Sutra that you got as a gag gift for your 21st birthday, I’ll break it down for you: some parts of Vatsyayana’s sex manual for virgins have all the charm of a Sears catalog.

When the skin is pressed down on both sides, it is called the `swollen bite’. When a small portion of the skin is bitten with two teeth only, it is called the `point’. When such small portions of the skin are bitten with all the teeth, it is called the `line of points’. The biting, which is done by bringing together the teeth and the lips, is called the `coral and the jewel’. The lip is the coral, and the teeth the jewel. When biting is done with all the teeth, it is called the `line of jewels’. [Link]

And when you smack her on the ass, it is called the ‘last time you get play.’ But some parts are good advice:

… the signs of her want of enjoyment and of failing to be satisfied are as follows: … she does not let the man get up, feels dejected, bites the man, kicks him… [Link]

If your partner kicks you while you’re in bed, it’s a safe bet that you’re doing something wrong. So I look forward to hearing Chopra’s hypnotic voice on the audiobook:

Listen to my voice —
you are getting very horny

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Expiration date

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Congrats to reader chick pea on her tongue-in-cheek ‘wedding’

Huevos don’t last forever

TN boy and I made a pact 10 years ago, that we’d get married if we hadn’t or had anything cooking by the age of 30. Well, a few weeks ago, he turned 30, I left him a voicemail to wish him a Happy Birthday along with a message of how he wanted the invitations to look :).

… I just got an email from him (he’s now also a doctor, and a busy resident in NYC) that he’d have to brush up on his Gujarati skills, and to have the wedding planned, as we must now get married….and to hurry it along since the deal breaks by age 31… too funny, too funny, too funny.

So people, help me plan a quick wedding, simple, short, and sweet. [Link]

To everyone else, who was your marriage pact with, and how did it turn out?

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Kosher yoga

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As I posted earlier, some fitness instructors have been Christianizing yoga out of fear that its Hindu origins open you up to demonic possession. It’s the same kind of assimilation which annoys theologians about Hinduism:

When Cathy Chadwick instructed her three yoga students to move into warrior position… she read aloud the prayer of St. Theresa of Avila. “Good Christian warriors,” Chadwick softly said as the women lunged into the position…

Chadwick is one of a growing number of people who practice Christian yoga, incorporating Biblical passages, prayers and Christian reflections. Occasionally, teachers rename yoga postures to reflect Christian teachings or, as Chadwick did with warrior position, include religious metaphors… [Link]

Good Christian warriors, assume the position! Apparently Catholics in yoga haven’t gotten the memo:

In a 1989 letter, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, who is now Pope Benedict XVI, said practices like yoga and meditation could “degenerate into a cult of the body…” [Link]

Never mind that meditation is designed to do the exact opposite. Trying to keep up with the times, the Vatican issued the memo over IM. Here’s an actual, unedited transcript:

c^th0l1k: omg y0gA rOxX0Rz LOL
V^tic^n_1: newayz h0 dAt sHiZz b3 d3m0nIc ROTFL

The NYT reported recently that HinJews are now jumping in. Well, technically, they’re shuffling in while complaining about the weather

A similar movement is taking place in Judaism, with teachers merging teachings or texts into yoga classes… Stephen A. Rapp, a Boston yoga teacher, developed Aleph-Bet yoga, a series of postures meant to represent Hebrew letters… Rapp expresses the Hebrew letter ‘bet’ in the posture Dandasana, where one sits on the ground with legs and arms straight out in front. [Link]

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