Category Archives: Humor

I for one welcome profiling

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Yesterday someone posted this clip (on our News Tab) of conservative radio host Mike Gallagher’s appearance on Fox News.

GALLAGHER: It’s time to have a Muslims check-point line in American airports and have Muslims be scrutinized. You better believe it. It’s time. [Link]

Today the House Homeland Security Chairman, U.S. Congressman Peter King (R-NY) said the following (thanks for the tip AM):

Declaring that airport screeners shouldn’t be hampered by “political correctness,” House Homeland Security Chairman Peter King has endorsed requiring people of “Middle Eastern and South Asian” descent to undergo additional security checks because of their ethnicity and religion.

Discussing the recent revelation of an alleged plot in England to blow up U.S.-bound airliners, the Seaford Republican said yesterday that, “if the threat is coming from a particular group, I can understand why it would make sense to single them out for further questioning…”

Despite King’s endorsement of such a process, it is a technique that has been widely dismissed as a legitimate law enforcement tool. [Link]

This, by the way, is the same Peter King who said that supporters of Senate hopeful Ned Lamont were “bigots” and the same Peter King who is set to appear with Sen. Hillary Clinton on Sept. 11th at a “National Spirit of Unity” rally.

I have been thinking about this idea for a week now (even before King spoke out) and I fully support it. I think we should single out all arabs, middle eastern looking people, and South Asians. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing and if we play our cards right we can greatly benefit from it. The “Macaca line,” as it were, might actually move faster and more efficiently than the “American line” since brownish looking people are still a small minority in America (unless you count the Mexicans too). We could even lobby for a door to door airport shuttle that was guaranteed to be explosives free and would have dogs on board that we could pet and play with on the way to the airport (once they were done sniffing us). All of our tickets would be stamped with SSSS to ensure 4S service (“S” is like the new “Star”). We would have curbside check-in and our bags would all go through more advanced machinery (the kind airports can only afford one of). So that we wouldn’t get germs from the other passengers, our security screening area could be completely walled off. It seems that every time I travel I catch a cold, and so this would definitely be a perk. The other people would never even have to see us.

I already know what some of you are going to say to all of this (haters):

“You can’t tell a Muslim by the color of their skin or their appearance. There are black muslims, Asian muslims, and white muslims. How are we going to figure out who is Muslim so that we can give them this VIP treatment if they don’t want their identities revealed?” Continue reading →

Love in the Time of Terrorism

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This newest terror alert and the ensuing security lockdown has come at the most inopportune of times for me. Tomorrow morning at 8a.m. I have to catch a flight to Charlotte, North Carolina to attend my friend Seema’s wedding. First, let’s take a quick look at what I cannot bring with me:

Advice if you’re flying:

1. Liquids are banned from carry-on luggage and cannot be taken through security checkpoints. That includes drinks, toothpaste, perfume, shampoo, hair gel, suntan lotion and similar items. Drinks purchased in the airport cannot be carried onto flights.

2. Baby formula and medications will be allow but must be presented for inspection at security checkpoints.

3. All shoes must be removed and placed on an X-ray belt for screening.

4. Passengers are also asked to arrive at least two hours early to allow for additional screening.

5. Passengers traveling to the United Kingdom should contact their airline for information about any extra security measures or precautions that might be required. Laptop computers, mobile phones and iPods were among items banned on British flights. [Link]

I’m a 30-year-old single male. There are fewer opportunities for me to meet eligible women (according to my parents). A desi friend’s wedding is supposed to be a money venue. But just look at my predicament. I cannot shampoo my hair (hotel shampoo doesn’t count) or apply even a modest amount of styling gel to my hair in order to achieve that proper look between sophistication and slackerdom. Even worse, without my contact lens solution I will have to keep my contacts in my eyes the entire weekend, which will in turn cause me to spastically blink (to prevent the increasing dryness) every time I go to talk to a girl. Even if I make it this far, who will want to talk to a guy that hasn’t been able to brush his teeth because his toothpaste has been confiscated? I didn’t even mention the lack of shaving cream (stubble makes me look like a terrorist) or the lack of aftershave lotion that will make my face itch and burn all night even if I use the hotel provided shaving cream and blade. Also, wearing a suit makes me sweat, a fact that will be obvious since I won’t have any cologne to mask the scent.

Continue reading →

“Birth Pangs”: Aasif Mandvi on The Daily Show

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(Alternate link to the video) Aasif Mandvi is an Indian-American actor and one-time playwright who has had small parts in many movies and larger parts on a number of major TV shows (like CSI). His Daily Show appearance — as a “Middle Eastern Affairs Correspondent” — is pretty clever; he riffs on Condoleezza Rice’s claim that the current wars in the Middle East are merely the “birth pangs” of emergent democracy in a “new Middle East”. Mandvi gets a couple of big laughs, but also possibly loses the audience at the end with an ironic line about 9/11. Continue reading →

God’s Own Country Hates Soda

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coke isn't it.jpg

I love that my roots are in Kerala. 😀 Via the Beeb:

The Indian state of Kerala has banned the production and sale of Coca Cola and Pepsi following a report that the drinks contain harmful pesticides.
It said it was taking the step because the drinks pose a health risk. Both soft drinks manufacturers have said their products are safe.

Though other states have decided to ban the soft drinks in schools, hospitals and the like, only a state which possesses that legendary literacy rate, enviable amounts of religious harmony and my marathon-runnin’ 80-year old Aunt could do something so hilarious draconian singular.

The move by the communist government in Kerala in southern India is the most severe reaction to a report released last week by an Indian non-government organisation, the Centre for Science and Environment.
It said tests carried on samples of the drinks across 12 Indian states revealed dangerously high levels of pesticides.

The Indian Soft Drinks Manufacturers Association is taking its sweet yindian standard time:

The Indian Soft Drinks Manufacturers Association issued a statement on Wednesday after the Kerala ban was announced.
“Our products manufactured in India are absolutely safe and meet every safety standard set by food health and regulatory bodies in India and all over the world,” it said.
It said it would only comment on the Kerala ban once it had been told about it by the authorities.

Three years ago, the Center for Science and Environment told the Indian parliament that Coke and Pepsi most certainly weren’t it, if by “it” we mean healthy and pesticide-free; they “recommended that India set purity standards for soft drinks”. Of course, the government is on IST for that, too.

In other news, three out of my 219 cousins have cancelled impending trips home, out of concern for a lack of mixers with which to garnish their Johnny Walker Black. Oh, Kerala…look what thou hast wrought! Continue reading →

Reminder: NYC Meetup is THIS Sunday, the 13th!

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Poor Nina Paley.jpg Oy, it is already Tuesday the 8th, which means that the NYCSM meetup is merely days away. There is much to plot and despite what a few of you have commented to me privately, I do NOT think that whatever we have come up with thus far is either “complicated” or, ahem, “a mess”. 😉 Really, since those of you who raised such concerns are NEW YORKERS, if you would like to throw in your randa paise, FEEL FREE. ItÂ’s your time to shine.

To refresh your drinks memories, the meetup is occurring this Sunday because Talvin Singh, Asha Puthli and a few other amazing types are performing for FREE at Summerstage, in Central Park. The show is from 3-7pm but “doors” open at 1:30; that is when a few hyper-dedicated souls have offered to mark our territory stake out a prime spot in the shade, slightly away from all the craziness. I would just like to state here that as a quondam sunbather (UC Davis quadÂ…holla if ya hear me), I am abiding by this arrangement because I want to hang out with as many of you as possible; I am in no way buying in to Ignorant Auntie and Cruel AuntieÂ’s bakwas about how if I let myself get a tenth-of-a-shade-darker, no boy will EVER look my way and I will die alone, my corpse half-devoured by wild dogs (yes, that last bit is from a much-loved filmÂ…but sadly, S + C Auntie are NOT similarly fictional). I reject all of this colorist stupidity. 😉 However, I wholly support a pleasant day spent getting faded in mutinous company.

Here is what we need to know, somewhat urgently:

  • WHO is coming on Sunday? This directly affectsÂ…
  • WHAT to bring, as well as how much of it.

Once we sort all of that out, memorize this: sadly, we have decided NOT to rendezvous at the bar around two. Instead, please meet us at 1:30pm at the park entrance at 72nd and 5th. The sooner you arrive, the sooner we can meander over to one hell of a picnic. Throwing the keys to Lil Cease is probably not necessary since they won’t allow us to bring alchohol to this event.

Joan, Zimbly, Pooja and I are all going to be there, as far as I know. I have linked to our pictures, so if you get there late, peer at all the Summerstage fans anxiously until you locate us (or our doppelgangers). Alternatively, just listen for the loudest, most obnoxious group possible and follow the sounds of laughter and screaming (not that I am in ANY way endorsing ice fights or similarly immature lunacy).

Do you have any other comments or questions? That is just what the thread below is for—- NYC meetup-related shtuff.

p.s. You DCers and EssEffites will each get your own posts in the next few days, that way we can keep this, um, organized (as if such things are possible with the brown). Now who is in and what are you packing in your “dry” pick-a-nick baskets? Continue reading →

55Friday: The “Forbidden Fruit” Edition

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mendhi and silk and bracelets, oh my.JPG I think this is the second time I’ve had to reach beyond my treasured, “120 Minutes”-era musical fetish to find a tune which fits a Flash Fiction Friday. I blame Siddhartha, for the Parisian prose in his post, since it reopened that festering debate about how cringe-inducing cliches which brown writers seem to sweat (henna, silk, spices, MANGOES) make us all want to vomit…curry. Or something. I’m not too broken up about this, though; if I had to use something other than excellent alternative music for our theme song, ain’t no shame in my Nina Simone-soundtracked game.

It’s the second time for something else, as well. Today, I invite you to create 55-word stories which sound like they were taken from “The Arranged Marriage of Crazy Curry-lovers in Marin” or whatever disposable lit you care to mock mercilessly. The December 16th, 2005 “Why Can’t I Be You?”-edition of 55Friday nominally used a similar theme, though what I really asked for then was for you to borrow the voice of someone famous for us to later guess…Sajit made a special request for some tamarind-flavored 55age and you came through like champions. My favorite two from that edition are below.

The Ill Hindu himself contributed this miniature masterpiece, before he was a Mutineer:

His tigress.
Desire crowded his mind like pilgrims at Benares. Her silken lips, cinnamon eyes, lashes like Assam tea. Her breasts, twin Taj Mahals at sunset.
How exquisitely she played his shehnai. The taste of her mango lassi.
A monsoon of sadness flooded him.
“ItÂ’s been fun,” sheÂ’d said. “But IÂ’m having an arranged marriage.”

GENIUS. After that, Badmash dropped the J-bomb (sorry, Saheli):

The elephant in the newsroom was her use of cheap metaphors in foreign assignment pieces from exotic locations. The juggernaut of letters to the editor from offended Sepia readers concerned him enough to call her in for a meeting. How would he ask her to tone down the spice without invoking the wrath of Kali

Weren’t those fab? I expect no less from all you ardent members of the Anti-Mango Brigade. I know that Red Snapper may not forgive me for exhorting you to do this, but cliche away! Continue reading →

Who Is Still In Dallas?

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Jennifer Lopez.JPG Abhi left a fluffy tip on our news tab, which indicated that the most famous rondure in Hollywood will no longer grace Gurinder Chadha’s (struggling?) remake of Dallas. Like I could let THAT go without a post:

Jennifer Lopez has dropped out of the big screen remake of the hit 1970s TV series ‘Dallas’.
The ‘Wedding Planner’ star was set to act opposite John Travolta in the movie to be directed by ‘Bend it like Beckham’ director Gurinder Chaddha.
Lopez had been cast for the role of Sue Ellen – the alcoholic wife of Travolta’s character JR Ewing.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, my parents loved to reminisce about how I’ve adored Dallas since I was a tot. According to them, and usually while at parties where the possibility for my humiliation is quite high, I used to hum the theme song to the ultimate primetime drama while standing in my crib, waiting for a parent to wake up. So I obviously dig the show sum’n fierce and only want the best for it. On the other hand, I must confess that to my undying shock, I have mildly enjoyed every movie I’ve seen which starred Jeniffer Lopez (four come immediately to mind: out, planner, maid, monster…). I know. I am wincing in anticipation of your derision.

My point is, I actually could see her as Sue Ellen Ewing. I wonder why she left? Is there trouble in Chadha-ville?

Lopez is not the only one to pull out of the movie, for ‘Legally BlondeÂ’ director Robert Luketic quit the project earlier this year citing “creative differences”.

Innnnnteresting. Incidentally, someone infamous ALSO opted out of this flick, which might just be the BiLB’s waterloo– I’ll give you a hint as to whom: “raccoon”

Paris Hilton has declined the offer to enact the character of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming Dallas movie, as she considers herself a novice in the field of acting…
“But the truth is the role is too demanding for me. I told them I need to make a few more smaller movies first, then take it from there,” she added.

Ugh. Guess what I have in common with the nocturnal omnivore?

“I was a huge fan of the show and never missed it when I was a kid – more for the hair and fashions than the storylines,” Contactmusic quoted the hotel heiress, as saying.

In other news, I am going to require confession for finding a certain part of the following paragraph so amusing:

Hilton launched her career in Hollywood with ‘House of Wax,’ but despite being lucky enough to bag such a prestigious role with only one hit in her kitty, the budding actress took no time in turning down the chance, as she wants to cut her teeth in smaller films before she hits the blockbusters.

Perhaps the Gurinder should stick to films where ve brown vomen get rescued by the not-brown man? Continue reading →

Bay Aryan Invasion

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I’m currently California dreaming, so I didn’t have time to write an anniversary post for Sunday (I always forget anniversaries, so this is true to life).

However, that doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten you, dear readers. No, quite the contrary. Even though it has been two whole years we’ve been together, everything I see still reminds me of you. For example, on Saturday I was on my way to Adolph Gasser’s in San Francisco when I encountered my very first Patelco credit union.

How could I help but stop and take a snap? When I saw it I could think of nothing more than how much I wanted to share it with you, to know what you thought of it, to bask in the way you smile at me when we encounter something new.

The next day, I was out for a stroll in downtown Palo Alto and saw a BMW 325ci with the vanity plates you had always threatened to get for my Subaru. It was as if you were right there with me, laughing at our little secret joke, teasing me. I almost started to lean down to say something when I realized that you weren’t there. But rest assured that not a moment has passed when I didn’t think of you and how very lucky I am. I don’t deserve you all, I really don’t.

Continue reading →

55Friday: The “Black Metallic” edition

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Yesterday, I wrote the first of two posts about the anomalous attention paid to (in that case) two brown actresses by the popular “Go Fug Yourself” blog. Fluffy as that post might have seemed, the discussion it prompted was by no means insignificant. My delayed epiphany about Mindy and Parminder was inpsired by their skin, specifically, how it didn’t conform to what much of the diaspora considers beautiful. It was the color of their skin and I know fellow older alt-music fans, it wasn’t black metallic.

This Friday, my thoughts move aimlessly, passing so many things: beauty, skin, pigmentation, fireworks, torture, St. Catherine of Alexandria. Perhaps your mind is similarly adrift– if so, write. Write about any and all of the above, or none of it if it doesn’t move you. The important thing is that you write a very short story, a tale so brief, it is composed of exactly 55 words. Ah, this Friday wanes, my energy with it…think of me when I’m sleeping. Of all the secrets that I’m keeping, some of which, I promise, will surface below…but only after you spill yours, my dears. Continue reading →

I See Delhi, I See Chennai…

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unwise hyatt.jpg






…I can see Sophia’s thigh!






Brimful brings yet ANOTHER brown fugging to our attention! This time, the fuggee is Sophia Hyatt Hayat, whom I am not so familiar with…but like I said before, that’s irrelevant when it comes to a good fugging. It’s totally possible to fug someone you don’t know. Sometimes, it’s even better. Anonymous fugging, if you will. Ah, I’ll stop fugging with you.

Unlike the previously blogged fuggings, this time Jessica was on top of things:

One of my basic rules of thumb is that, whatever you wear, you should make sure that it a) fits and b) covers your bits.

Solid.

And I mean that in the most fundamental way: this is not a screed against halter tops or mini-skirts or even (for once) shorts. I just mean that a mantilla is not a gown, and no one really wants to see your panties.

Stop hey, what’s that sound, everybody look what’s goin’ down…all us South Asians look alike, yaar. Thus, like Matthew Sweet once crooned, “Baby, we’re the same.”

This dress does not look alluring, nor does it make our Sexy Indian Hottie look like a mysterious flamenco dancer, or even like a contender for a role in Zorro 3: Zeta-Jones Doesn’t Do Straight To Video. It makes her look like she forgot part of her outfit.

As my beloved Father would have barked at Ms. Hayat, “GET A PETTICOAT!” Continue reading →