Category Archives: Humor

Desi Accented Pirate Talk

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Growing up in Southern California, and I’m sure Chick Pea will concur, one often grows up with an unnatural obsession with certain Disneyland rides. For me, it was always the Pirates of the Caribbean which has subsequently fostered an unnatural obsession with all things skull and crossbones. This is why it should come as no surprise that, me mateys, tis is International Talk Like Pirate Day!

At first an inside joke between two friends, the holiday gained exposure when Baur and Summers sent a letter about their invented holiday to the American syndicated humor columnist Dave Barry in 2002. Barry liked the idea and promoted the day. There have been reports that this holiday was being celebrated in the New Zealand town of Wainuiomata at least as early as 2000, after local media reported the existence of Talk Like A Pirate Day. [wiki]

Ahoy, me hearty! Today, feel liberated to say, “Avast!” and “Arrr!” and “That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.” Go on, wear your eye patch and drink some grog at the local (desi-owned) pirate bar. Rent the Depp-makes-pirates-sexy movie of the moment, Pirates of the Caribbean, and sing along with a “Yo, ho!”

All this pirate talk made me wonder, arrrrre there South Asian pirates? Arre, matey, there arrrre…

The Mogul’s trade fleets went into the Red Sea and Persian Gulf with fabrics, ivory, and spices; attack of Mogul ship they returned with the abundant gold and silver of exchange…Topping the list were the abundant prizes of the various East Indian Company ventures, which carried off luxurious silks, ivory, jewels, and proceeds from import.

With deterioration of effective naval patrol or protection, the pickings were ripe from Cochin and Calcutta in the South, through the Portuguese trade port of Goa, to Bombay and Surat farther north. Bombay became the focal point of a most successful family-run pirate enterprise as the Angria clan gained control of the surrounding area. They established their main fortress of Vijayadurg (Severndroog) as one of several island bases south of Bombay. [link]

The most infamous pirate of the Indian Ocean was Kanhoji Angre, died in 1792.

Kanhoji initially started by attacking merchant ships of the British East India Company and slowly gained notoriety and power. When Maratha Chattrapati Shahu ascended the leadership of the Maratha kingdom, he appointed Balaji Viswanath Bhatt as his Senakarta (‘Commander’), and negotiated an agreement with Angre around 1707. This was partly to appease Angre who supported the other ruler who claimed the Maratha throne, Tarabai…Kanhoji Angre stands alone in the Indian list of early freedom fighters as the one person who stood undefeated and inflicted many casualties on colonial powers. [wiki]

Arrrrr. Now that’s what I call a real mutiny. A true Sepia Mutineer to the corrrre. For more desi pirate stories, thar be 20th – century John Boysie Singh, and Gurkha repelling pirates last year. But with all this talk of accents, I wonder what a desi-accented pirate talk sounds like. Arrrr-ay?

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‘Kal’ Starring in Rap Opera ‘The Avon Lady’

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Without LonelyGirl15 to satiate our YouTube obsession anymore, the viral video land has been somewhat quiet. That is until The Avon Lady hit the inter-waves (thanks, MadGuru).

That’s right kiddies, starring in this insanity of a rap opera video with a dinosaur Avon lady is our very own Kal Penn (as well as Superman Brandon Routh as the cop). There is a perfectly good explanation why the video is trying to be the next ‘Lazy Sunday’— because it is housed out of the same group of filmmakers of said SNL fame, The Lonely Island.

The Lonely Island is a group of filmmakers, founded in 2001 by Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone and Andy Samberg… The Lonely Island has created numerous comedic films, shorts, parody songs, and music videos. They have made three full-length pilots, all of which have been rejected…The site also includes a blog from Chester Tam, often referred to as Chez. The blog, titled “Chez Chat”, gives humorous summaries of the site’s updates. [wiki]

Watch, comment, enjoy. As for me, Chez’s you tube videos and podcasts are my new inter-addiction. I cannot wait for Part II and some more Kal Penn in speaking roles.

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Celebrating Another Major Desi Achievement

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gamerkavitha.jpgOnce again, it’s taken a desi to raise the bar of achievement in one of the major fields of human endeavor. The winner of the first-ever Worldwide Web Games competition for casual gamers is Kavitha Yalavarthi of Odessa, Texas. She wins a prize of one million dollars! The dude standing next to her in the photo is her fiancé, who probably isn’t too unhappy with this development.

“Casual games?” you ask. Well, I had to look it up too. It turns out that this is a term of art in the business:

The term casual game is used to refer to a category of electronic or computer games targeted at a mass audience. Casual games usually have a few simple rules and an engaging game design, making it easy for a new player to begin playing the game in just minutes. They require no long-term time commitment or special skills to play, and there are comparatively low production and distribution costs for the producer.

The three Casual Games at which Kavitha outlasted the competition, narrowly defeating non-desi Amy Demerath of Green Bay, Wisconsin — geek girls from football towns, in a way it all makes sense — were Zuma, Bejeweled 2, and Solitaire.

Solitaire.

That’s right. All those hours you spent delaying the start of a research paper, or doodling at the computer during an incredibly boring conference call, could have netted you one million clams, had only you practised with Kavitha’s intensity. She didn’t even let her honors studies at UT-Austin get in the way of refining her game. And because this is a desi story, after all, her parents helped push her to achieve:

Yalavarthi, an aspiring law student and honors graduate of the University of Texas at Austin, got her start playing casual games by challenging her mother to friendly competitions online. She plans to use her winnings to purchase her first home with her new fiance, who accompanied her to the competition.

Shortly after winning the million-dollar prize, Yalavarthi woke her parents with a late-night call to break the news. “Mom, Dad, you know those casual games that I play online?” Yalavarthi asked. “Well, they’re not so casual anymore. I just won the $1 million grand prize.”

Kavitha’s victory will be shown on the Game Show Network on December 6th. No story yet in the Times of India, but just you wait… Continue reading →

Caste no bar

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Has everyone heard about the Indian government’s new plan to help erase the scourge that is the ages-old caste system? If I may offer my humble opinion…I think it is sheer brilliance. Check it:

THE Indian Government is offering 50,000 rupees (£580) to higher-caste people who marry spouses from the lowest castes in its latest controversial effort to dismantle the ancient Hindu social hierarchy…

The proposed bonus is a small fortune in a country where average annual income per capita is £280, and where official corruption is rampant. [Link]

This new incentive is making me consider taking a trip to India to find my bride. Let’s face reality. I have a lot of factors working against my search for a bride/girlfriend here in the U.S., and frankly, they are making my life miserable.

  1. I am not getting any younger
  2. I have a mountain of debt from my undergraduate years
  3. My parents insist “it is time”
  4. I blog

I do have one HUGE advantage working for me however. I am Brahmin. Why not use it? I am sure there are quite a few lower-caste girls with “good features” that will do just fine. If it helps pay down my college debt then I am not going to complain about it one bit. Besides, I hear that lower-caste girls aren’t nearly as uppity and are FAR more reasonable. Just listen:

Meira Kumar, the Social Justice Minister, who is from a lower caste, defended the plan yesterday before meeting officials from the 28 Indian states to persuade them to approve it.

“Yes, I know this is not the only way to end the caste discrimination, but one has to start somewhere,” she said. “All proposals have initial hiccups. That does not mean that we give them up.” Ever since independence in 1947, Indian governments have tried in vain to break down the complex caste system, which divides society into hereditary hierarchical groups. [Link]

There is one additional advantage that I possess which makes this plan especially appealing to me. I’m Guju:

But the amount differs from state to state – in Gujarat a couple gets the full $1,100 (50,000 rupees) – whereas in West Bengal state the amount is $45. [Link]

Ha Ha! Sucks to be an upper-caste West Bengali.

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The Importance of Being Arranged (A Literary Remix)

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Add one part AC and one part Oscar Wilde’s “The Importance of Being Earnest.” Mix well, plagiarize liberally, and try not to try too hard. And voila…

Note on characters: Deepak and Varun are two nondescript desi guys in New Jersey, in their late 20s.

Varun: Chandramukhi Baba says, ‘These days unnecessary things are our only necessities.’
Deepak: I thought that was Oscar Wilde.
Varun: The British steal all our best lines. Anyway, he is referring to the transient nature of material possessions, and encouraging their immediate acquisition in the interest of achieving inner peace. I think it makes a lot of sense, actually.
Deepak: All that religious talk gives me a headache. So, anyway, what happened last night?
Varun: With Smiti? Yaar… what can I say? (smiling, smug)
Deepak: Really? Man, you seem to have really hit the jackpot with this ApniShaadi thing.
Varun: I know. A different kuri every week! Too bad you gave up the game, married guy. This internet thing is fantastic.
Deepak: I don’t miss it. I actually don’t think I could be happier. Incidentally, how do you work it?
Varun: How do I work what?
Deepak: I mean, the desi scene in New Jersey isn’t that big. Aren’t you worried you’re going to run into some girl from the Bridgewater mandir on one of these dates?
Varun: Oh — different names. On the internet I’m Arjun.
Deepak: Arjun, huh? Nice. And the picture?
Varun: It’s called Photoshop, dude. Arjun has a big nose and puffy cheeks…
Deepak: And no zits, presumably? Don’t the girls notice that?
Varun: No, definitely no zits. And they don’t say anything, ’cause all their pics are doctored too.
Deepak: I like my system better.
Varun: I know, it’s crazy. You must be the only guy to have met the girl of his dreams on an arranged marriage date in some remote village in central Punjab…
Deepak: Word — but you know, it was time to pull the plug. I was tired of the bars, the soul-killing NETIP scene, the websites… I was even tired of having to fork over $100 a week just to get my hair done by some puffed up dude who calls himself a “stylist.”
Varun: Hey, I like Jorge. As Chandramukhi says, ‘Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.’ What’s $100 if you end up with hair as good as mine? (runs hand through hair) But don’t forget the most important thing: you were tired of your mom calling every five minutes…
Deepak: …With the email of some random desi girl studying dentistry in Iowa, yeah, that too. But really, it was just time to roll the dice, and say, ‘it’s going to just be this one girl, no more waffling.’
Varun: You don’t miss being single? The thrill of the chase?
Deepak: Let me put it this way: my sex life has never been better. What about you? Don’t you get tired of lying to all these girls?
Varun: Lying, who’s lying? As Chandramukhi says, ‘Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.’ Actually I sometimes think I’m more myself when I’m Arjun. I’m so bored with just being Varun.
Deepak: Wait, isn’t that Oscar Wilde again?
Varun: What’s with all the Oscar Wilde? And hey, is your cousin sister coming over tonight?
Deepak: Gayatri? You still have the hots for Gayatri?

To be continued, possibly. (Along these lines) Continue reading →

A good match

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There are a great many serious issues I want to write about this week but my time is scarce and I will leave it to the other bloggers to tackle them. Instead, I offer you terrific news out of New York from this past weekend. As most of you probably heard, Indian tennis player Leander Paes and his doubles partner Martin Damm (a Czech) won the U.S. Open Tournament.

Leander Paes won his first Men’s doubles title at a grand slam in five years by wresting the US Open crown with Martin Damm of the Czech Republic here on Saturday.

Paes and Damm scored a shock 6-7 (5-7), 6-4, 6-3 victory over second seeds Jonas Bjorkman of Sweden and Max Mirnyi of Belarus in the final at the Flushing Meadows. Paes, 33, last registered a grand slam triumph in 2001 at the French Open with Mahesh Bhupathi, with whom he also won the French Open and the Wimbledon in 1999.

This is also Damm’s first ever major title. Paes has also won three mixed doubles titles in grand slams. Paes and Damm pocketed $400,000 as winner’s prize money. The lengthy opening set was a power struggle that stayed on serve to force a tiebreak. [Link]

Paes’ previous Grand Slam victory came at Wimbledon in 2003 where he won the mixed doubles championship partnering with tennis goddess Martina Navratilova. As you can see from the pictures below, when you got love for your teammate(s) you are nearly impossible to beat. Congrats to Paes and Damm!

“I can’t quit you.”

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Mutiny-Wallah. The Sequel.

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Aaaaaand I’m back! What, you thought they could keep me away from the bunker forever?

It has been a few months since my gig as Mutiny-Wallah has been up, and I have since been in the real world sitting at cubicles writing humdrum policy reports, all the while dreaming of the happy days with the monkeys in the Sepia Mutiny bunker. Boy, did I miss those monkeys.Boy, did I miss those monkeys. When to my surprise, a couple of nights ago while planning my revolution, I was suddenly blindfolded and kidnapped. I was whisked away from Los Angeles on an autorickshaw (we were supposed to fly Jet Blue, but you know…) and when the blindfold was taken off a couple of hours ago, I found myself once again in the Sepia Mutiny bunkers. Yay!

How long will I be a mutiny-wallah this time around? They keep things hushed around me, but rumor has it it will last through November 7th. That is right, Election Day. You see kids, for those of you living under rocks, or not in this nation, we are at the beginning of a heightened election season, for the midterm elections. Here at Sepia, we’ve already brought you an interview with Raj Bakhta and of course, there was the whole Macaca Mutiny. In anticipation for the upcoming stories surrounding the 2006 elections, I have been brought on to assist you on this path. Think of me as the desi George Stephanopoulos, or the Anderson Cooper of the mutiny. I plan on bringing you investigative Election 2006 coverage, hard hitting interviews with political candidates, and keep you educated with the latest issues that will help in casting your ballot on November 7th. Of course, knowing the work that I love to do, you didn’t think you’d get away without a little voter registration, voter education and get-out-the vote, did you?

This is my 9th year working an election, and I know that there must be plenty of you out there working it too. Are you a desi running for office? Let me know. Registering voters? Campaigning on a ballot initiative? Writing a report about the South Asian Vote? Need to know where to register, where your poll is? Let me help and be devoted to getting you the best South Asian American blog Election 2006 coverage. And now, let the real mutiny begin- again.

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55Friday: The “Monkey Gone to Heaven” Edition

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see no hear no speak no macaca.JPG
…and that mother$>@%!#& Macaca apparently got there on a mother$>@%!#& plane. Whether the simian sported a mohawk or a mullet is still open for debate.

Today is Friday and on most Fridays at the Mutiny, we write flash fiction. Co-ink-i-dinkily, today is also August 18th and thus, a very special holiday. It’s Bad Poetry Day!

Bad Poetry Day is a day to create some really bad verse. But, why you ask? Perhaps, the answer is simply “because you can”. Maybe, it exists to allow us to better appreciate good poetry. Or, perhaps it is to be written to irritate someone…the intention is to gather a group of old high school friends, and write some really bad poetry. Then, send the poetry to your old high school teacher. Wow!, That sounds like a lot of fun…[linkage]

Indeed, it does, especially if you ignore that part about sending it off to a teacher– I mean really, who has the time?

The last time the Mutiny did anything collaborative with poetry, it was Valentine’s day and we invited you to submit haikus; since you enjoyed that so much, I thought I should encourage you to write more of those spare, elegant poems, especially if it means that people who normally don’t 55 can participate in our creative corner of Sepiadom.

Many of you ask me either in person or via email, “but how do you write one of those 55 things?” To which I generally and unhelpfully respond, “You just…do. MS Word. Wordcount. Before you know it, you’ve got 65 words and then you find yourself doing some careful pruning.” The reaction to this incoherent response is almost always further confusion or frustration. Well, it may seem daunting to tell an entire tale using less than five dozen words, but what about a three-line work of art? You could manage that, right? It’s a mere 17 syllables (arranged thusly: 5-7-5), you can so do it.

Annnnnd, I think I’m done here. I have one of the most addictive college rock hits EVER happily lodged in my head, you have TWO options to get busy in a thoughtful, literary way and we all have fantastic reading material to look forward to…right, Kobayashi-san? Any mentions of

  • snakes
  • the Confederate flag
  • planes
  • macacas
  • noose-lovin’ Senators
  • Tunisia
  • hairstyles which are all "business in front, party in the back"
  • fake-ass-cowboys
  • Palos Verdes
  • the power of the interweb (in both of those situations!)
  • Samuel L. Jackson

will be enjoyed heartily, I assure you. Now get crackin’, macacas. Continue reading →

Hot terror in the skies

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Yesterday I went on-line to check out all the hype behind the new movie that opens tomorrow, Snakes on a Plane. Not many reviews to go by so I don’t know how good it actually is. While watching the trailer however my sepia radar started howling as the following face splashed onto my computer screen. Who was that cute desi girl and how come I’ve never sat next to her on a plane?

Apple should totally make her a spokeswoman. She “speaks to me” at least.

Turns out that the name of her character in the movie is “Ipod girl.” The actress who plays her is Canada’s own Agam Darshi (born Agamdeep Darshi in Birmingham, UK):

She was born Agamdeep Darshi in Birmingham, England, but her family soon moved to Canada. At the age of 14 she moved to Calgary and began to pursue her dream of acting, a passion that, as a small child, would manifest itself as impromptu plays at any family gathering. She studied theatre at the University of Calgary as well the visual fine arts, earning a BFA in art and theatre in 2002. This passion for being on the other side of the camera has lead to several photographic shows and art publications. Besides acting on both stage and screen, Darshi has also written numerous plays and has recently work on several film scripts, producing two of her projects as independent films.

She is also an avid traveler and has backpacked through Europe and across Australia. [Link]

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Boarding passes and foreskins ready, please

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Abhi and I have both independently been thinking about the same problem, but we’ve come to slightly different solutions. Imagine for a second that Representative King and conservative talk show host Mike Gallagher and other wingnuts are right. Maybe it’s time to overcome our politically correct scruples and embrace overt profiling of all Muslim males. Maybe what we need is a screening policy that makes sure that every single Muslim male is scrutinized, and not one gets by without close examination.

How would we implement this?

None of those in favor of the plan have thought about implementation. For example, this is what one Republican congressional candidate said:

“Well, you know, if he comes in wearing a turban and his name is Mohammed, that’s a good start” [Link]

Yeah riiiiiight. That would be around as effective as looking for men with “Terrorist” signs around their neck.

King calls for special treatment of all travellers of Middle Eastern or South Asian origin, but that clearly would be insufficient to accomplish his goals. 25% of all Muslims in America are black, and his plan ignores all of them. There have also been several serious plots involving both South East Asian Muslims and African ones, so we would need something far more extreme than the wimpy measures King suggests.

No, if we’re going to be real men about this, we have to overcome our squeamishness, adapt a rigid approach and realize that all Muslim men have only one physical attribute in common – they’re all circumcised.

That’s right – I think there should be one line for men with foreskin, and another for men without. Uncut males get expedited boarding, while the circumcised get extra scrutiny.

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