Category Archives: Humor

Would Apu let him get away with it?

Posted on by

Super cute high jinks, brought to you by DJ Drrrty Poonjabi, the BBC and the letter S. 🙂

A seagull has turned shoplifter by wandering into a shop and helping itself to crisps. The bird walks into the RS McColl newsagents in Aberdeen when the door is open and makes off with cheese Doritos…
Shop assistant Sriaram Nagarajan said: “Everyone is amazed by the seagull. For some reason he only takes that one particular kind of crisps.”
The bird first swooped in Aberdeen’s Castlegate earlier this month and made off with the 55p crisps, and is now a regular.

Look, he even shares!

Once outside, the crisps are ripped open and the seagull is joined by other birds.

Clever birdie…

Mr Nagarajan said: “He’s got it down to a fine art. He waits until there are no customers around and I’m standing behind the till, then he raids the place.
“At first I didn’t believe a seagull was capable of stealing crisps. But I saw it with my own eyes and I was surprised. He’s very good at it.
“He’s becoming a bit of a celebrity. Seagulls are usually not that popular but Sam is a star because he’s so funny.”

Happy Friday, Mutineers. Join us next week, when Sam is kidnapped by Britney, and trained to retrieve funyuns and altoids, y’all (for Sean Preston, of course). Continue reading →

We Know Maths, Medicine AND Brows!

Posted on by

LOLsienna.JPG

Like all lal-blooded desi girls, I’m mildly obsessed with eyebrows.

Like all lal-blooded GIRLS, I’m mildly obsessed with celeb gossip.

Occasionally, the two, they meet.

It is possible that many of you saw photographs of Sienna Miller on the red carpet (there she is! on the right!), doing her damnedest to bring dark and furry back. Well, ABC News was inspired by her “caterpillars”; they have an entire article about what brows signify and the expert whom they quote is none other than Vaishaly Patel, “London’s eyebrow shaper to the stars”.

Vaishaly’s opinion on Sienna’s dark statement?

“Personally I think they look hideous…When you’ve got blond hair the number one rule is not to have black eyebrows. I think they’re a lovely shape but just on the wrong person.”
So, there is a right person.

Take heart, my brown sisters– YOU are that right person!

Bushy is back as far as eyebrows are concerned. So, poor Sienna was just trying to follow fashion. It’s just that not every fashion suits everyone.

Ah, for once, we (and by we, I mean you) win.

For this apparently lowbrow issue, there’s some highbrow analysis. Eyebrows tell a story of cultures, eras and politics. For example, in Iran “un-groomed” is a sign of virginity. The Mexican artist Frida Kahlo sported a unibrow. It became her signature, an expression of independence and feminist strength.

No comment on what brows meant to Bert, and that’s unfortunate.

There is plenty of history-lite, however, including an exploration of whether certain decades inspired severe arches or fierce tufts. Here’s a summary:

–1940s-50s: Eyebrows are shaved off completely, lest a girl seem “masculine”. Owwww.

–1960s: Girls who are boys, who like boys to be girls, who do boys like they’re girls, who do girls like they’re boys– always should be someone you reeeeally love. Free love = furriness.

–1980s: Yuppies are mean and therefore, women over-tweeze. The end.

–Today: Sensitive and enlightened are we. Pluck we do not.

There’s a backlash against the over-plucked brow, according to Jaimineey Patel, manager of a Blink Eyebrow Bar in London. Patel and a phalanx of eyebrow “threaders” are in the trenches, persuading clients to grow back their brows before they gently shape them with twisted thread held between their teeth.
“We always do a thorough consultation,” explained Patel. “We ask them what they want out of their eyebrows.” What can you want from an eyebrow? More than function, apparently. More than a sponge effect to keep sweat out of your eyes.

We want to be as pretty as can be, DUH.

Apparently they frame your face. “To be honest,” confided Patel. “A lot of clients feel they’ve had a facelift because it opens your eyes out.”

I don’t know about a facelift, but I saw someone get their brows done for the first time this weekend, and suddenly, I was aware of the rare color of their irises AND their ridonkulous lashes. Yowza. Best $25 they ever spent, yindeed.

Eyebrows are the new window on the soul. So be careful Sienna, those caterpillars may reveal more than you want us to know.

New?! Not. Desis have known that truth all along. As for Sienna’s caterpillars, like Madonna and Gwen before her, the girl just wants to be down with the brown, obviously. Continue reading →

Chew on this

Posted on by

Ummmm.

An Indian firm has launched a paan-flavoured condom designed to evoke the pungent taste of the betel nut and tobacco concoction chewed and then spat out by millions of South Asians, newspapers reported on Tuesday. [Link]

Yeah, so like, is this so women will chew it and spit it out? So…many…jokes…cannot…type. I mean seriously, do we really want a condom to taste like something that you typically chew for an hour and grind down to a pulp? What if one acts instinctively when the aroma begins to entoxicate (although paan makes me want to vomit)? Well, at least nobody gonna mess with the prostitues who will be the test market for this product:

The company ran taste tests with sex workers, including prototypes with chocolate, banana and strawberry flavours, but the paan flavour came out tops…

The condoms will at first be made available only to prostitutes, but will we launched to the general public in a few months, the newspaper said. [Link]

I know some of you guys are thinking what I’m thinking but I am going to just come out and say it. Think I can bid for these on Ebay? During the limited release trial period the prostitutes would make a whole lot more money selling these to paan-flavored condom collectors like me, than they would using these with their clients. We’d both be winners. They’d get to skip work for a long time and I’d have something really cool for show-and-tell the next time I have a party.

Dirty Mouths Come Clean.

Continue reading →

Padma Lakshmi’s Rebound Billionaire!

Posted on by

Padma plus TED.JPG KXB is one sharp, articulate, distinguished mutineer– which is why I hardly expected to find that HE deposited the hot gossip on our news tab! I love people who defy expectations, especially when they provide us with such apposite summer entertainment while doing so. Yay KXB!

Padma Lakshmi might be dating a billionaire?

Of whom we have never

Whom we have never

One who ain’t famous??

Via NYC’s other other paper:

Billionaire Ted Forstmann has trained his gaze on another world-class beauty.
The financier, whose consorts have included Elizabeth Hurley and Princess Diana, has become a fast friend of model, chef and actress Padma Lakshmi.
Their mouthpieces maintain that the two are not dating. But that hasn’t stopped some from noticing that Forstmann has appeared in Lakshmi’s life just as her husband, author Salman Rushdie, is leaving it.

Allegedly, the two are spending time together because IMG (Forstmann’s own!) will be representing her.

As early as this week, we hear, IMG is due to announce a slate of endorsement and licensing projects for Lakshmi. “IMG is global, and so is Padma’s appeal,” says one insider. “It’s a good marriage.”
Did someone say marriage?

The proof isn’t in the picture!

Lakshmi seemed a little guarded when she and Forstmann arrived together at the Elie Wiesel Foundation tribute to Oprah Winfrey at the Waldorf in May. When a photographer snapped her with Forstmann, Lakshmi asked the photog to delete the image – supposedly because the shot was blurry. She agreed to pose again – but not with Forstmann.
Rushdie suggested in a statement this month that Lakshmi was the one who wanted out of their union – that he “agreed to divorce … because of her desire to end their marriage.”

For those who think some of us are finding this mirchier than we need to:

Though he’s seven years older than Sir Salman, Forstmann seems well fixed to counsel the shapely author of “Tangy, Tart, Hot and Sweet.”
One industry source does find it “a little odd that Teddy is taking such an interest in Padma’s career. It’s not the side of the business he usually focuses on.”
But, perhaps in the case of Lakshmi, he’s more willing to be hands-on.

Ba-dum-bum. 😀 Continue reading →

“Saar, saar- new order saar…100 more effigies!”

Posted on by

Bips.JPG

Time for something fluffier: Bipasha + Ronaldo? Maybe!

They were hosting the Seven Wonders of the World party in Lisbon together. And they got along so well:

Revealing the details, she said: “I felt like a princess. He gave me so many compliments. He danced with me throughout the night. There were 50,000 jealous women staring at us. I must’ve got so much Portuguese bud-dua (bad wishes) that night. The local girls wanted to murder me. Now he wants to e-mail me regularly.”
During dinner Cristiano told Bipasha that he was a big fan of Bollywood. “I thought he was just trying to be sweet. I told him he didn’t have to say he liked Bollywood films just to please me.
“Cristiano fished out his cell phone and made me hear Tujhse naraaz nahin from Masoom. He said, ‘Now do you believe me?’
Bipasha laughs about her interaction with the soccer star. “Though he looks older, Cristiano is very young, just a boy. Now I’ve told him, I’m only his fan on the field. Beyond the field he’s my friend. [HT]

He is young, just 22, and this detail apparently bothers many. How dare she! A younger man!

What does SHE have to say for herself?

Cristiano Ronaldo may not have been at a social distance when the photo being splashed on TV screens and the internet was clicked using a cell phone camera, but it isn’t a kiss that the photo shows, and definitely not a lip lock, says the livid bongshell.
“All the joy of that meeting with my favorite footballer has evaporated,” she laments.
“I don’t need to explain my behavior. I’m a free-spirited person. But I’m not footloose. It takes me a long time to become close to anyone. I’m certainly not some giddyheaded teenager who would get so carried away in Ronaldo’s company that I’d kiss him in public. My business manager Tanuja and dress designer Rocky S were present, would I be that dumb? There are far more discreet and private places to do such things. Even if I was single, I would not get carried away at my first meeting with a 22-year-old boy, no matter how big a celebrity he is, to misbehave with him in public.” [SAWF]

Continue reading →

Rolling down the street sippin’ Squishee…

Posted on by

Rollin’ down Venice with Squishee in hand

I haven’t done any hard-nosed-journalism-type posts on SM in a while. Saturday night, when I found myself driving down Venice Blvd. in Los Angeles, I knew it was time to change all that. Out of the corner of my eye, on the errrr…corner, I spotted a Kwik-E-Mart with a huge line running around the building. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to film an undercover exposé with such a large crowd present so I determined that I would come back at a later time. On Monday I did just that. I casually walked past the bouncer who was shorter than me. What I found inside was shocking. Absolutely shocking! Indians were running the store and making a ton of money selling Squishees, hot dogs, and donuts. There were three brown dudes working the register and a really tall guy of uncertain ethnic origin pouring Squishees. I am happy to bring this exclusive hidden camera footage to our valued readers:

Continue reading →

This is what a Feminist looks like.

Posted on by

Daddy's Girl.jpg

Exactly 32.5 years ago, a short man with a fearsome moustache stood at a nursery window, tears in his eyes, pride bordering on arrogance spilling forth via his words.

“See her? The one with the huge eyes? That’s my daughter.”

The strangers standing near him congratulated him and politely made remarks about his newborn’s full head of hair and yes, her eyes, which were peering around suspiciously as if she were casing her bassinet, planning a possible escape.

“She was alert, when she was born. She didn’t cry. She…uh…she takes after me. Strong.”

He cleared his throat and complained about the dust, using his ever-present handkerchief to wipe his eyes swiftly.

“Look at the other babies…they are oblivious. They’re nothing compared to her.” He had never been so smug.

My “Grandma”, who is a Russian Orthodox woman who married an Italian, who still sends me a check every January, who told me this story, stood by him, smiling.

“Oh, cut the bullshit George! Every parent thinks their kid is a damned miracle.”

She was teasing him, she didn’t mean it. She always admitted as much when telling this tale, because the next part of it involves her elbowing the woman next to her, and asking, “Have you ever seen a baby with so much hair and such big eyes? Most kids are bald. And squinty.”

My Mom was down the hall, passed out. There was still a tiny smudge of flour on her arm; she had been making chapati when I made my abrupt entrance on a Saturday night, after less than two hours of labor.

::

Much like the adorable protagonist of “Knocked Up”, my father had purchased baby books to study.

Ever the engineer, he charted out milestones and other information. He laid awake at night, unable to sleep; his brain, which already over thought everything, was now whirring even faster. He was the precursor to today’s “helicopter” parent, though he’d scoff at such dilettantes for being OCD-freaks-come-lately.

“That’s what happens when you wait until you are 38 to have a child. You really parent”, he’d explain to me and anyone else who would listen, later.

::

“You will be a book baby,” he allegedly announced to me, the day he strapped me in to the back of one massive Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham, on the way home from the hospital. “You will do everything exactly when the books say…”

…or else. Or else, what? Who knows, I’m just lucky I did it. All that amazing early achievement would buy me some leeway when I turned out to be spectacularly mediocre, later on in life. Continue reading →

Mira Mang- Don’t Mess With Kerala.

Posted on by

fresh from getting its kundi kicked.jpg

Ah, I love being from Kerala. Now I can claim genetics as the reason for my refusing to shop at Wal-mart. Ha!

The Communist government of Kerala is threatening to ban “retail giants” from setting up shop in the Indian state. The measure, which appears to be backed by all the major political parties in Kerala, is chiefly aimed at India’s version of Wal-Mart, Reliance Industries. The concern is that a proliferation of large retail outlets would drive tens of thousands of mom-and-pop shop operators out of business. [Salon.com]

Hmmmm. That last sentence explains why I prefer Olsson’s > Borders, too.

Kerala made headlines not so long ago for attempting to ban Coca-Cola; the state has a long history of pursuing its own unique path to development. Naturally, the more gung-ho-for-capitalism elements of Indian society aren’t mincing their deprecating words: An editorial in the Indian Express made no attempt to restrain its sarcasm:
Coke poisons people. Highway tolls exploit them. Fiscal discipline starves projects that can better their lives. So, of course, big retail chains, as Kerala’s Left explained to this newspaper on Monday, are anti-people … Food minister … C. Divakaran is ever so bold in proposing to ban a business activity permitted almost everywhere bar places like North Korea. [Salon.com]

Yo, I totally feel exploited by highway tolls. It’s the only thing I don’t miss about driving to NYC. Anyway, I think it is a bold move, and an interesting one at that. Salon’s Andrew Leonard raises a sobering point:

Let’s switch venues. The safety of Chinese-made products is in the news again today, as China’s government announced that a whopping one-fifth of the products on the shelves of Chinese stores were found to be substandard or tainted. The immediate, and understandable impulse, is to blame the health hazards of Chinese products on the lack of regulatory enforcement in China, a state of affairs exacerbated by state corruption, a weak judiciary, and a general absence of effective checks and balances in Chinese society. But that’s only one-half of the picture. The other half is the imperative, in the biggest markets for Chinese exports, that demands ever-lower prices for everything.
In “The Wal-Mart Effect,” Charles Fishman makes a compelling argument that Wal-Mart’s market power inevitably forces its suppliers to cut corners on quality in order to deliver the lower and lower prices that Wal-Mart demands. So those suppliers close their American manufacturing facilities and start sourcing their products in China — if they don’t, they’ll lose their place on Wal-Mart’s shelves. [Salon.com]

Mein Gott, I’m starting to feel like a very pink democrat…

But the symbolism of Kerala’s “bold” move, however quixotic, is still potent. Markets left to themselves do not deliver perfect outcomes. Sometimes government has to push back.

Indeed, especially since those sell-outs in Bengal don’t have the stones to do so. 😉

Interestingly, in the other Left-ruled state of West Bengal, Chief Minister Buddhadeb Bhattcharjee has rolled out the red carpet to Mukesh Ambani’s ambitious retail initiative, though coalition partners have expressed their reservations on the issue. [CNN-IBN]

Compare that reaction to THIS thenga-flavored one:

“The public mood is against Reliance, so we will stop them in their tracks,” Food and Civil Supplies Minister, C Divakaran said. [CNN-IBN]

Continue reading →

Kumar Wants You to REGISTER

Posted on by

Meanwhile, that Sunkrish Bala is a slice of adorable, isn’t he? I wouldn’t kick him…off the couch…where we would be demurely seated on opposite sides. And not touching. With vada on the coffee table as our witness. And our parents there, too. Ah, I digress.

But while I’m digressing, you should know that “Notes from the Underbelly“, which SB starred on, was one of my favorite shows of the past season. 🙂 Go on with your bad self, Sunkrish, whose name leaves me puzzled. And let me just say that I heart you more, for trying to help Vinay and others like him. “I’m registered…are you?” should become our new pickup line at the clubs, because I would’ve hurled my digits at THAT, for sure.

I was proud to see several of you get swabbed at the last Subcontinental Drift event. Drives are still happening all over the country.

There is still time– one of you could be the one. Continue reading →

Salman and Padma Escape Stupor, Separate

Posted on by

back on the market.jpg

Sometimes, breaking news is so significant, it demands that I waste my lunchtime on it. This is not that kind of news story (thanks, Anon + Rose). Via Yahoo!:

British author Salman Rushdie and his wife Padma Lakshmi, host of TV show “Top Chef,” are getting divorced, his spokeswoman said on Monday, just two weeks after he was awarded a controversial knighthood.

Fourth time? Not a charm, it turns out.

He married Lakshmi, a former model born in 1970 in India, in 2004. She was his fourth wife and the couple had no children.

It’s not him, it’s her:

“Salman Rushdie has agreed to divorce his wife, Padma Lakshmi, because of her desire to end their marriage,” spokeswoman Jin Auh said in a statement on his behalf.

I don’t think it was just the British, who did:

When the Indian-born Rushdie started his romance with the model more than 20 years his junior, the British tabloids made much of their differences in age and intellectual stature.
But Rushdie always defended his wife.

Am I the only one who finds “not supposed to be permitted to be” awkward?

“Anyone who’s met Padma knows she’s as intelligent as they come,” he told The Times of London in a 2005 interview. “But, you know, it’s not supposed to be permitted to be gorgeous and really smart and also very nice.”

Okay, snark aside, I do remember feeling a bit sorry for him. Or at least wincing on his behalf. Once.

“It feels very odd to see newspaper articles saying ‘Beauty and the Beast’ and ‘Why Do Beautiful Women Love Ugly Men?”‘ he said in the interview. “But at this stage, I’m kind of resigned to it at — as you say — pushing 60.”

While a few of you howled that these two were your top pick for the “One of these things is not like the other/THEY FREAKING DON’T BELONG TOGETHER”-prize, I still say that TomKat deserves THAT dishonor. Yes, more than AbhiShwarya, even. Back to reading Maximum City, if you’re not industriously doing something else. 😉 Continue reading →