Category Archives: Humor

The Full Mushy, or The President Has No Clothes

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Over the past few weeks, a number of prominent people have called for Pervez Musharraf to “take off his uniform”:

“The President will call on President Musharraf to take off the uniform as he said he would do.” – Dana Perino, White House spokeswoman, Nov. 5

‘’My message was that we believe strongly in elections, and that you ought to have elections soon, and you need to take off your uniform.’’ – President Bush, Nov. 7

“He was willing to take off the uniform, he said, and have a civilian government.” – Former Senator Fred Thomspon, “Meet the Press,” Nov. 4

“The overarching concern is making sure President Musharraf takes off his uniform and holds elections as soon as possible,” – Geoff Morell, Pentagon spokesman, Nov. 13

“Who cares if General Musharraf takes off his uniform? It’s time for him to go.” – Representative Dana Rohrabacher, Republican of California, Nov. 7 (source)

It’s highly tempting to read all these people demanding that Musharraf take off his uniform slightly… against the grain?

On the one hand, it makes me think of this; only too obvious.

On the other, I can’t also help but think of the French philosopher Roland Barthes, who wrote a famous essay on the art of the striptease (and how it implicates the spectator) in 1957:

It is only the time taken in shedding clothes which makes voyeurs of the public; but here, as in any mystifying spectacle, the decor, the props and the stereotypes intervene to contradict the initially provocative intention and eventually bury it in insignificance: evil is advertised the better to impede and exorcize it. French striptease [and Pakistani politics] seems to stem from what I have earlier called ‘Operation Margarine’, a mystifying device which consists in inoculating the public with a touch of evil, the better to plunge it afterwards into a permanently immune Moral Good: a few particles of eroticism, highlighted by the very situation on which the show is based, are in fact absorbed in a reassuring ritual which negates the flesh as surely as the vaccine or the taboo circumscribe and control the illness or the crime. (link)

(Anyone else have Musharraf jokes… or references to French theory… to share?) Continue reading →

The first desi in the Oval Office?

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Relax, this post has nothing to do with Bobby Jindal. Banish the thought and just bear with me for a moment. Last week, after one of the candidates I was eyeing as the potential recipient of my vote made a monumental policy blunder (which made me question everything about this candidate), I started giving a closer look to another candidate who had more sensible and educated things to say on the same issue. And that is when I decided that it was finally time (after months of my teenage-like infatuation where I contemplated the perfect post that might get her to take notice of me) to write about an awesome potential development that would take place IF Hillary Clinton goes on to win the White House. I’m talking about that goddess beautiful and capable assistant of hers, Huma Abedin. Huma currently serves as Clinton’s “body man,” similar to the character of Charlie on the show The West Wing. If she doesn’t go on to become the Chief of Staff, she would certainly remain one of Clinton’s closest advisors, with daily access to the Oval Office. From an article I first read in April:

Last June, under an oppressive sun, at a rally to save the Niagara military base at the University of Buffalo, all of New York’s top politicians–George Pataki, Chuck Schumer, Hillary Clinton–poured sweat.

Yet there was exactly one member of the wilting delegation who managed, somehow, to stay cool: Hillary Clinton’s mysterious, glamorous and eerily unflappable aide de camp, Huma Abedin.

“It was like 110 degrees outside,” recalled the source, a political aide who asked to remain anonymous. “We were all just pouring down with sweat. But I have this distinct memory of Huma traipsing in in this blue pantsuit–it was like this wool pantsuit–not a bead of sweat on her brow, not a hair out of place, with everything perfectly organized in her Yves Saint Laurent handbag.”

That sort of fantastical, supernaturally tinged tale is not unusual. Indeed, in the insular world of New York and D.C. politics, Huma Abedin has become a sort of mythical figure. [Link]

Huma was born in Michigan to an Indian father and a Pakistani mother. She interned at the White House in the mid-90s and graduated from GW. If she goes on to become Chief of Staff it is entirely possible that she could broker a lasting peace in South Asia by helping to end the Kashmiri conflict. I’m just saying, if I was at the negotiation table I’d commit to any concession she proposed. Let’s give peace a chance.

“I think she has special powers,” said public-radio broadcaster Katia Dunn, who recently crossed paths with Ms. Abedin and Mrs. Clinton at a café on Capitol Hill.

Ms. Dunn explained that she had heard about the “cult of Huma,” but had never met her. “All of a sudden, I turn around and there was this woman I now know to be Huma. And it wasn’t just that she was gorgeous–she did just sort of have this presence. She stopped me in my tracks for a second…” [Link]

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Toys for young mutineers (or you)

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Kids these days just have it so much better (note: use of this phrase indicates Abhi’s advanced age an increasing irrelevance to our youngest readers). When I was young we didn’t have that many ethnocentric toys to choose from around the holidays. All I really wanted for Christmas was a Destro. I mean, a grenade necklace is just cool (not that I believe that children should be exposed to toys that glorify terrorist networks such as COBRA, which sought to undermine U.S. military policy around the world).

Today, companies like Kridana.com are selling bad-ass Hanuman action figures like the one above. This isn’t your father’s Hanuman. This one looks like a professional triathlete/MMA Fighter. There are two types of parents that would buy a toy like this for their child. The first is the young, second-generation couple that is worried that they aren’t doing enough to familiarize their child with their religious Hindu roots. It would be bad if Hinduism became irrelevant to the next generation so Hanuman, and similar action figures, can serve as a good stop-gap measure. The other kind of parent (the kind that I one day hope to be) would buy this for themselves. Check it out, here is the scenario. You could buy the Hanuman above and also a barrel of monkeys. Then you could pretend that Hanuman was a great general and that under his leadership the barrel of monkeys were able to sweep forth and stem the tide of evil monkey attacks currently taking place in Indian cities like Delhi. The people of India would be grateful and a beautiful woman would fall for him (not just because of his muscles but because of his virtue, good soul, and leadership abilities). Speaking of which, I have to hit up the gym.

Does anyone else think that Hanuman looks a bit like a brown Panthro?

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How to map Muslims and find the best falafels

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A couple of diabolically ingenious (or phenomenally stupid) plans have been recently reported on in the media, both plans intended to ascertain where American Muslims be hanging out (so as to keep tabs on the potential terrorists hiding among them). The first was Los Angeles’ Muslim Mapping Project. At first I assumed that the LAPD intended to map the spread of Islam in the world since the birth of Muhammad…but then I realized that the department probably doesn’t employ many history or religion PhDs. “Muslim Mapping” must mean something else. Here is an excerpt from the LAPD officer who briefed the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs (headed by Joe Lieberman):

“In order to give our officers increased awareness of our local Muslim communities, the LAPD recently launched an initiative with an academic institution to conduct an extensive “community mapping” project. We are also soliciting input of local Muslim groups, so the process can be transparent and inclusive. While this project will lay out the geographic locations of the many different Muslim population groups around Los Angeles, we also intend to take a deeper look at their history, demographics, language, culture, ethnic breakdown, socio-economic status, and social interactions. It is our hope to identify communities, within the larger Muslim community, which may be susceptible to violent ideologically-based extremism and then use a full-spectrum approach guided by an intelligence-led strategy…” [Link]

“We want to know where the Pakistanis, Iranians and Chechens are so we can reach out to those communities,” LAPD Deputy Chief Michael P. Downing was quoted by CBS news as saying Thursday. [Link]

This plan actually makes a lot of sense to me (and doesn’t Downing seem downright neighborly?). It would be much too difficult to move all the Muslims into ghettos with well-defined boundaries. I don’t think Homeland Security has that kind of budget (yet). Why not use GIS data and other high tech strategies to simply make a virtual map of Muslims? I mean, Google Map already has overlays for satellite imagery, traffic, and street view. It wouldn’t be hard for Google to simply add a “Muslim neighborhoods” overlay to their GoogleMaps would it?

We have learned that Muslim communities in the U.S. are mistrustful of the mainstream media. Therefore, they may turn to other sources of information for news and socialization, such as the Internet. Unfortunately, despite all of the positive aspects of the Internet, it allows those individuals and groups with ideological agendas to easily make contact with like-minded individuals and access potentially destructive information. [Link]

Holy crap. I know that Muslims read our site and socialize here with like-minded individuals through comments. Despite the fact that I like this plan I hope we aren’t getting mapped as well.

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Just Your Typical, Slightly Snarky Arranged Marriage Post

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A column (thanks, Fuerza Dulce) from the women’s magazine Marie-Claire on Anjali Mansukhani’s enthusiasm for arranged marriages (including her own), didn’t really start in what seemed like the best possible way:

By age 26, after attending more than 150 weddings, I was fast approaching my “expiration date.” (link)

“Expiration date” at age 26? That’s pretty young; personally, I think women get “expired” these days at around 27 or 28…

But it gets so much better. Anjali, a Bombayite, meets a guy who seems like Mr. Right — a New York based banker — and moves to his 40th story Manhattan apartment after three dates (and a marriage). Life there is blissfully happy:

While I craved privacy in India, the lack of neighbors and family dropping in left a shocking void every day as I ate breakfast and lunch alone. My husband worked late most evenings, and I sat in front of the TV, unable to call home because it would be 2 a.m. there.

After a few weeks, I learned that I’d married a “jetrosexual.” He had an exhausting travel schedule (four cities in four days). I joined the ranks of corporate wives who saw every show, opera, and ballet in town, just to fill the hours.

To make friends, I joined a gym, went to the library, and took Italian classes. I discovered that having an arranged marriage was a great icebreaker, and my social circle mushroomed each time I retold my story.

Marriage, I soon learned, wasn’t easy — especially to a modern man. My husband had acquired a mistress, and her name was BlackBerry. She had the power to stop discussions midsentence, her red signal lighting up his face in the way I only dreamed of doing. (link)

Such happiness. It really brightens your day.

Off to a great start, no doubt. But Anjali’s new life really takes off when she learns to name-drop consumer goods and lifestyle choices like a professional New Yorker:

As peers in India opted for motherhood and worked on post-baby waistlines, I took Spinning and pole dancing at the gym to work off exotic dinners of sweetbreads, foie gras, chocolate mousse. After reading about America’s obsession with Venti decaf skim mochas, I went to try one — but came back instead with a spiced chai latte. Amazingly, Starbucks was providing my childhood drink on every corner.

I found a job as a financial consultant. The New York Times in one hand, coffee in the other, I realized that my saris of bright pink, violet, and salmon were not exactly subway wear. Quickly, I succumbed to Levi’s and Ralph Lauren.

I started to realize that I just might have the best of both worlds. I marinated my Indian marriage in the flavors of Manhattan. I kept the sari and bought the Jimmy Choos. I made fabulous curries, seasoned with spices from Dean & Deluca. And after months of enjoying decidedly non-Indian experiences of seders, Saks, and sake, I felt confident enough to direct Indian guests to a hotel, occasionally throwing in a MetroCard.

I’m not hating, really I’m not. In fact, I’m thrilled she’s so happy — with those Jimmy Choos that she got from Bloomie’s, drinking Chai Tea Latte at Starbucks (which is just like the Chai in India, isn’t it?), before her pole-dancing class, where she’ll burn off the foie gras from the night before. Arranged marriage can be great that way. Continue reading →

More on CW’s “Aliens in America”

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I know SM is rightly consumed with a different Musharraf, but all this talk about Mushie reminded me of CW’s Aliens in America, which, for those of you who don’t recall, is a new television sitcom featuring a protagonist named Raja Musharaff. I loved the pilot but many of you, my bunker-mate Amardeep included, were all “eh”.

Well, ahem. Salon’s Heather Havrilesky likes AiA, too. Take that, pooh-pooers. 😉

From yesterday’s Salon’s guide to what to watch:

God is allergic to Jell-O. Most cats show a preference for the color orange. There’s a very funny comedy that you’re not watching, and it’s on the CW. Which one of these statements is true? Amazingly enough, the CW’s “Aliens in America” (8:30 p.m. EST Mondays) is not only consistently funny, it’s also charming and absurd and addictive, setting it miles apart from the CW’s typical herd of superpowered teenage hotties. The story of a Pakistani exchange student named Raja who goes to live with an average family in a small town in Wisconsin could have landed in unreasonably dorky territory. Instead, the show’s writers have churned out a steady stream of seriously clever scripts, dense with absurd jokes and memorable moments, making “Aliens in America” feel more like a modern, snappy update on a John Hughes film. The dorky Midwestern Tolchuck family is pitch perfect, but the big star here is Adhir Kalyan, whose spot-on performance as the hopelessly earnest and morally upright Raja is responsible for the show’s most hilarious moments. (You can watch one of the best recent episodes, “Rocket Club,” here.) [kumquat]

I think Adhir Kalyan is kinda funny:

One writer asked Kalyan if he experienced culture shock, coming to the U.S. from South Africa. His reply: “In truth, the only thing I found difficult to deal with coming to the States is the size of the portions of food. Really — I mean, really, do we need portions that are that big? I mean, Africa doesn’t need Bono. Africa doesn’t need Geldof. Africa needs a Denny’s grand-slam breakfast.” [mangosteen]

From the same link:

You’ll get a bit of a “Freaks and Geeks”/”Wonder Years” vibe from “Aliens,” though it has a way to go to imitate the pure heart of those classics.

See, I totally think it has heart. While I haven’t gone out of my way to catch every episode (I’m usually getting home bang in the middle of the program, and I hate cutting in…and yes, I know, I am the only mutineer sans TiVo), I was able to see last night’s Aliens and I was reminded of how cute it was. I was smiling for thirty minutes. The show is totes sweet.

I stand by my initial positivity towards one of CW’s finest, especially after last night’s special guest star– the hoochie-rific Homecoming dress– almost stole the show. If popular little sister Claire knew what her Mom did while trying it on, I doubt that she would have pitched that tantrum about returning it. 😉 Also, it takes a non-trivial amount of talent to keep those multiple, “mandatory” tags crease-free while being so…um…active; every girl here who has purchased a prom dress/formal/bridesmaid outfit knows exactly what I mean.

Have any of you kept up with it or caught something beyond the pilot? Has Raja won you over or are you still not sold? Continue reading →

In search of the great Indian-American gangster flick

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I was at this bar on Friday night and as I ordered my drink I noticed that American Gangster (which came out on Friday) was playing on every television in the joint, including the one behind the bartender. Is video piracy really this rampant? Anyways, the rest of the night I tried to not watch so I could see it in its entirety next weekend. Flash forward to Saturday morning. I was sitting on my couch scratching myself and all of a sudden I thought, “What happened to that smokin’ Piper Perabo from the movie Coyote Ugly? I mean, come on! There has got to be a way to get her back into some film. So I looked her up on IMDB and noted that she will be co-starring in a movie called Ashes which comes out next year. And THAT is where this rambling story finally finds its desi angle:

ASHES follows the story of two brothers from the inner city whose lives are unraveling. As one plummets deeper into mental illness, the other, Ashes, copes by throwing himself into the dangerous New York underworld. Ashes is torn between the family he is responsible for, and the community that consumes him. [Link]

Sepia Mutiny is currently trying to determine if the above drug use was prescribed by Doc 420

Click on the above image for the trailer. The film is directed by and stars Ajay Naidu of Office Space fame as the title character. All I can say is that it is about time there is an Indian American Gangsta film. I mean, the Cubans had Scarface, the Italians had The Godfather, African American’s have Denzel in American Gangter mentioned above. Why the hell has it taken THIS long for a story about the Indian American gangster experience that most of our readers have had at least minor brushes with? I know some of our readers will point to Maqbool as good Indian Gangter film but I ask you, if The Godfather had been only about Don Corleone’s time in Sicily would it be as relevant to Italian Americans? I didn’t think so. And so I eagerly await Naidu’s Ashes. It might finally take the “model” out of our minority. Plus Piper Perabo will be in it.

Continue reading →

Making the most of Halloween

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Think about it. Once a year a bunch of impressionable young children come to your door and give you their undivided attention. This presents the PERFECT opportunity to proselytise. It’s like a reverse Jehovah’s Witness-type situation. While many of the world’s other religions are clever enough to take advantage of this amazing opportunity, Hindus are left behind (mostly due to a lack of creativity it seems). Beliefnet has a great feature that gives us a tasty sampler of some of the divine candy out there, and also provides us insight into why Hinduism faces an uphill battle when it comes to creating converts of the young:

First up is the Christian “Scripture Candy:”

Once you pop, you can’t stop! These scripture-wrapped mints are downright addictive. Not too minty, yet soft enough to melt in your mouth. According to the maker, these mints were created to turn “a pagan holiday into something to glorify God…” [Link]

Why can’t someone make candy with Gita passages?

Next we have Star of David pops:

I’d eat a chocolate Hanuman pop if it existed. I’m just sayin’.

Continue reading →

Desi Hipster Olympics — Blegging for Ideas

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Blogger Zen Denizen has a post with the following idea:

My next project will be creating and hosting the Desi Hipster Olympics. I’ll post a tip on our favorite kill whitey group blog and let the games begin (or not). Categories to include: Kitschiest classic Bollywood references, best misappropriation of afrocentric or other suitable third world imagery for supposed desi struggles and most ironic use of a kurta. (link)

First of all, I want to say that if Zen is talking about SM I am truly honored we are her favorite “kill whitey” group blog. There is a lot of competition out there, and I’m glad to finally get some recognition. That said, I think it’s a great idea, though I suspect we could add to and/or adjust Zen’s proposed categories before proceeding to actually initiate some kind of meta-desi, pseudo-secular, indo-ironic competition. (I have never done anything very ironic with a kurta, for instance, other than perhaps actually ironing it.)

Readers, what would be good categories for a desi hipster olympics? Secondly, if you wish to prove your own hipness you are now welcome to begin doing so, though you should be warned that it’s always possible that an even hipper desi will come along and point out how passé your knowledge of retro-Bollywood cultural trivia, present-day underground desi musicians and writers, and quasi-desi fusion fashion actually is.

Obviously I’m at a huge disadvantage here in terms of my own personal hipness, being over 30 (bo-ring!), and living in suburban Philadelphia (so, so far from Brooklyn). The best I can offer this morning is the following short video, which does in fact feature a kurta and may also possibly be interpreted ironically. (I have to admit I grabbed it from Manish’s news tab):

And I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Continue reading →