There comes a time in every knighted actor’s career when he descends from Oscar material to B-level creature feature. Ben Kingsley is the vampire king in Bloodrayne, yet another awful flick derived from a video game. After playing Fagin, he’s well into his monster oeuvre:

I vant to suck

German director Uwe Boll (“House of the Dead,” “Alone in the Dark”) is fast becoming known as one of the worst directors on the planet. Indeed, Boll’s films are archetypes of bad filmmaking… Yet he continues to license big-name videogame titles and turn them into movies with ever more impressive casts… Boll somehow lures an Oscar-nominated Knight of the British Order to play a character as ridiculous as the King of the Vampires. [Link]

If I wanted to watch a desi actor draining the life out of his victims, I’d go down to the local Bollyplex.

The video game: sex, death and subtlety

Related post: Monster’s ball

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I’ve been spending all day trying to figure out the Albert Brooks/Sheetal Sheth movie Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World. After sitting through the movie, I had no idea what Brooks was trying to do or what he was trying to portray to the audience. A day later, it’s no better. I still have no clue. The movie was boring and confusing. Brooks’ whiny self deprecation got old quick, and I am not sure how much humor really can be found in a movie that attempts to get all its laughs through constant cultural miscommunication. The East-meets West and terrorist jokes get old really quick, and I am actually a little puzzled that a studio executive thought it would be enough to make a commercially successful film. Maybe I missed the point. Actually, I am sure I did but I was too bored during the film to search for its meaning.

From Seattle Weekly’s review:

He’s lost in India. That’s where his character, named Albert Brooks, goes on an improbable U.S. government mission to find out what makes Muslims laugh, so that we might better understand them. His ventriloquist act bombs in New Delhi; Al-Jazeera tries to recruit him for a sitcom called That Darn Jew; nobody gets him, and he doesn’t get them.

That Al-Jazeera scene, that is one of the two funny scenes in the film and it features singer Shaheen Sheik.

From Salon’s review:

When he [Brooks] asks the audience, during his stand-up performance, why there’s no Halloween in India (“Because they took away the Gandhi” is the punch line), the joke is supposed to be kindergarten-caliber, and, of course, the audience isn’t supposed to laugh. Brooks sets himself up as the butt of the movie’s big joke — a well-intentioned Western comic attempts cross-cultural outreach and just look what happens — but his bombing is simply painful to watch. It’s not entertaining, not even in a twisted, sadistic way, and Brooks’ obsessive attempts to engage his audience only coat the movie with an egotistical veneer. “Looking for Comedy” pretends to be a plea for understanding, but it isn’t about what Muslims do or don’t find funny; it’s only about Brooks’ failure to make them laugh.

And his failure isn’t fun to watch, its painful. The saving grace for me in the film was of course Sheetal Sheth. Yeah I am biased, but despite sticking her with an Indian accent, Sheth’s performance was good, and believable. Her timing was right on, and in spite of being in this film, I think she could be the next desi to break through, breasts or no breasts.

I also must admit I did enjoy Brooks’ embracing of desi menswear, the kurtas, the sherwanis, the mojdis, (thankfully no lungis or dhotis) however inappropriate his clothing selections might have been for the occaision. Anyway, check out the film if you are feeling lucky, want to support Sheetal, or are a glutton for punishment. But if you are looking for comedy, I suggest looking elsewhere.

Click here to read more reviews of the film, and click here to read more from the mutiny on the movie.

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Two Hollywood related items arrived on the tipline today and may be of interest to readers. The first comes from former SM centerfold Cicatrix. She points us to a one paragraph blurb in the New York Times which mentions that Nickelodian Films has just inked a deal for a new CGI movie slated for next year:

A young bull from Montana named Bamboo befriends a caterpillar that tells him of a place called India, where cows are sacred, free and holy. The two embark on a journey, and find the country while outwitting a group of pesky chickens.

Now that seems pretty cool. A bull in search of the promised land, looking for a place where his people can be free. The name of the movie? According to the website where the info originated, it will be titled Holy Cow. But why chickens? I would have chosen monkeys, or tigers, or elephants.

If you are listening girl…don’t ever change. Don’t ever change.

The second bit of gossip comes from former SM hit-man Amardeep. He points us to a Rediff article about actress Sheetal Sheth’s misadventures in tinsel town:

You can’t blame Sheetal Sheth for praying that Hollywood would take note of her performance in her first major film Looking For Comedy In The Muslim World and not worry about her bosom.

For, she recently told Contactmusic.com that many Hollywood agents thought she should have a breast implant.

…”About five different times they have suggested I get breast implants.”

But Sheth, who was a founder of the Hindu Students Association in her high school and later a mentor to many younger Indian students at NYU, knew her talent would suffice.

First I’d like to point out that if Sheetal had a breast implant then she’d look like a freak. I think I hope that the author of the article meant breast implants. I would write more about Sheetal’s breasts and the fact that I think she is fine the way she is, but my dad reads this blog daily and then tells my mom everything. Thus it’s best that I avoid adding detail to such racy topics.

Update: “Flygirl” informs us that a movie about a freedom seeking cow has already been made (hilarious!)

Related posts: Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World, ‘Looking for Comedy’ trailer, Looking for permission to film in the Muslim world

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Why Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World filmed in India:

Some of the Arab press, Mr. Brooks said, questioned his decision to set the film in India and Pakistan rather than an Arab country. “I said, ‘Well, if you can get me permission to shoot in Saudi Arabia, let me know,’ ” he said. “Because it was not happening when I was making calls. That was shut down within five minutes, with ‘What, are you insane?’ They’re not going to let a Jewish man, much less a filmmaker, in there. That’s just not going to happen. But I wanted the conflict between the two countries. I knew in writing this that I wanted to take two existing powers that are always suspicious of each other, and that was the one place you could do that. The idea was always that I go to do a peace mission, and I almost start World War III.”

Dude, Johnny Lever is still very much around, on film and on stage:

Comedy in the Muslim world (Arab or otherwise) can indeed be hard to find. “Today, stand-up comedians just don’t really exist,” Mr. Usman said. “But they did once. I have albums from the 70’s. The big, towering guy from Pakistan is called Moin Akhtar, and another guy, who was his contemporary, was Umar Sharif. And there was a guy in India who was really famous, who used the name Johnny Lever. They basically did one-man shows, with a lot of improv and sketch comedy, but with a small portion of what we would call stand-up.”

I dunno, the previews seemed similarly lame to me:

Once Mr. Brooks chose India as his setting, he visited the minister of information. “He told me that Steven Spielberg had wanted to shoot ‘Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom’ there, and they wouldn’t allow it, because they didn’t like the scene where they ate monkey brains,” Mr. Brooks said. “I said, ‘I don’t do that,’ and I think they were really appreciative that I didn’t have the whole scene where the cow stops traffic. They’ve seen that so much, and they hate it…” “I get nervous when I hear people are doing something about India, because usually it’s done with so little intelligence,” Ms. Sheth said.

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Yesterday Google announced the launch of yet another service: All hail the Google Video (Store). The Los Angeles Times Reports:

Search giant Google Inc. put its own twist on the budding online video market Friday, unveiling an Internet bazaar that allows movie studios, TV networks and any amateur with a camera to sell their wares.

The Google Video Store, launching with 5,000 titles, is the first major challenge to the early lead that Apple Computer Inc. has in the emerging market for online video. It also could help realize the dreams of futurists who have long envisioned the Internet as a creative commons that upends the business models of traditional media.

Independent filmmakers, for instance, can try to bypass Hollywood; dog trainers and yoga instructors can offer how-to videos; and someone who captures a plane crash or other major news event on video can skip the traditional media — all in favor of selling their work as a digital download.

“Now any guy with a camera who believes in what they’re doing can compete with the Sonys and Warner Bros. of the world,” said director Ben Rekhi, who said he turned down a $125,000 distribution deal to instead sell his film “Waterborne” through Google for $4.99 a download.

Rekhi tipped us off about this article in the LA Times, and the fact that his film “Waterborne” was the first independent film to premiere thru Google Video, because of two of the co-stars in his film: Shabana Azmi and Ajay Naidu.

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