Creep

A new biography argues that the British commander who ordered the Jallianwala Bagh massacre on Vaisakhi day, 1919, was every bit as sadistic as reputed. Nigel Colletts’ damning take on General Reginald Dyer is rightly called The Butcher of Amritsar (via Amardeep Singh):

… Indians… were also incensed by the General’s notorious “crawling order.” In the street where a female missionary had been left for dead, Dyer decreed that between 6am and 8pm Indians could only proceed on their bellies and elbows and were to be beaten if they raised a buttock… a series of outrages… ensured that the indigenous elite would seek fulfilment in a government of their own race… [the book] helps retire the notion that the end of the Raj was anything but a good thing.

Surprisingly, Dyer’s instruments of butchery were desi soldiers from remote areas, not Brits. (The U.S. has pursued a similar strategy by using Kurdish soldiers in Sunni areas in Iraq). You’ve got to wonder what the hell Dyer’s soldiers were thinking as they methodically murdered their countrymen with manual rifles:

He chose from the troops at his disposal those he thought would harbour the least compunctions in shooting unarmed Punjabi civilians: the Nepalese Gurkhas and the Baluch from the fringes of far-off Sind… His “horrible, bloody duty”, as he called it, consisted of ordering his soldiers to open fire without warning on a peaceful crowd in an enclosed public square. The General directed proceedings from the front, pointing out targets his troops had missed, and they kept shooting until they had only enough ammunition left to defend themselves on their way back to base. While Dyer made his escape, a curfew ensured that the wounded were left to linger until the following morning without treatment… nearly 400 had been killed, including 41 children and a six-week-old baby, and around 1,000 injured.

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‘Times of India’: jewel of journalism (updated)

Apul posted about a satirical article by The Spoof where Aishwarya was supposedly going on Jerry Springer to wrestle a woman over a mullet. And the infamous Times of India reported that same story as straight news! Hilarious!

Aishwarya Rai is slated to appear in a special version of the American show ‘Jerry Springer: Too Hot For TV’ episode in which she will contest with a 380 pound woman. Simone Sheffield, manager to Aishwarya Rai, said, “Miss Rai would be appearing on a special version of ‘Jerry Springer: Too Hot For TV’ episode where the beautiful actress will fight with a 380 pound woman in a trailer over some guy with a mullet, no teeth, and a 7th grade education…”

[In Blind Date] Aishwarya will date Lorenzo – a former stripper who… wants to form a love connection and score on the first date.

And then the ToI reporter felt compelled, compelled, to add a topping of snippiness and whipped cream to what s/he believes to be an actual story:

We’ll just have to see how far he gets with Aishwarya.

The reporter virtually defines the phrase ‘irony-challenged.’ Great Bong has me rolling

Now let’s consider the TOI staffer who wrote this. He stumbles across an article in a webzine called “spoof.com”. No warning bells ring. Evidently he does not know what “spoof” means. Nor does he want to find out… Does TOI have an editor or do correspondents just barf anything they want to?

Previous posts: 1, 2, 3, 4

Update: The reporter with the Times byline, Soumya Menon, disclaims any connection with the story. Dal mein kuch kala hai

Update 2: The Times pulled the story from its site. Cached copy here.

Update 3: A commenter on CSF says, ‘She [the reporter] has quit ToI but I do not know if it is related to this incident.’

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Sex and the City of London

Photos of the Life Isn’t All Ha Ha Hee Hee three-part TV series are now up (thanks, Sapna). The first part will be broadcast in the UK tonight, lucky sods.

Here’s a roundup of the characters: the author’s voice Sunita, played by… the author. (Nobody said Meera Syal was big on subtlety.) Her husband Akaash, played by… her husband Sanjeev Bhaskar. The bad girl Tania, played by Moroccan-Indian actress Laila Rouass. The naïf Chila, played by Queen of Naboo Ayesha Dharker. And the playa from the Himalaya Deepak, played by Ace Bhatti. That cast reads like the Bombay Dreams unemployment list.

Watch the clip of Tania getting hassled by clucking aunties. It’s pretty choppy — can’t the Beeb afford bandwidth these days?

Previous posts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

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Jessica Alba works in Karachi

A couple of months ago, I had a delicious lunch (at Manhattan’s Jaiya Thai, which seems to hold a monopoly on the Thai-food-for-desis market) with a friend who had just been to Pakistan on business. He told me about a company in D.C. which had outsourced its receptionist to Pakistan via videoconferencing. Today, our mutual friend Mitra Kalita published the story in the Washington Post:

In a chic downtown lobby across the street from the Old Executive Office Building, Saadia Musa answers phones, orders sandwiches and lets in the FedEx guy. And she does it all from Karachi, Pakistan.

As receptionist for the Resource Group, Musa greets employees and visitors via a flat screen hanging on the lobby’s wall. Although they are nine hours behind and nearly 7,500 miles away, her U.S.-based bosses rely on her to keep order during the traffic of calls and meetings…

She turns the camera — which is usually focused on her face — to offer a view of her surroundings in Karachi: a lounge, a cafeteria, a pool table… Just then, a phone call interrupts her. It is 1:15 a.m. where Musa sits. “Good afternoon,” Musa says brightly. “Thank you for calling the Resource Group.”

Musa went through Stepford Wife-like call center training:

“A smile can be heard,” Musa recited in an interview via her flat screen. She worked as a call-center operator before being promoted to secretary. “Posture can make a difference. A dress code makes a difference.”

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A model airline

The magnate behind Kingfisher beer is launching an airline today which uses part-time models as flight attendants (thanks, Sapna):

Models work as flight attendants on the airline while its planes have seat-back entertainment systems… “We have a brand new fleet of aircraft. We have individual entertainment systems where every single seat has video screen…” India’s newest budget airline operates its first flight on Monday from Mumbai (Bombay) to hi-tech hub Bangalore.

Kingfisher Airlines is following the lead of Hooters Air. I suppose models will be able to shoot a beer commercial, then hop on a plane and get straight to work. They’re saving money, really. I think Van Halen did a video about this once.

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He blinded me with science (updated)

As Abhi posted, Amal Dorai of MIT threw a party for time travelers last Saturday. He begged visitors to bring a cure for cancer or some other proof of their travels. Here’s a report from Afua, the Samoan particle physicist-slash-bouncer:

“Two surfer dudes named Bill and Ted showed up claiming to be from the year 1989. I asked them to prove it, but all they said was ‘way!’ and ‘bogus.’ So I threw ’em out. They yelled ‘Party on, dudes!’ and disappeared into a phone booth.

“A crazy-eyed old man with Van der Graaf hair showed up in a DeLorean. I ejected him, and he peeled out at 88 mph stuffing garbage scraps into a blender.

“Some huge thug showed up in a monster suit. He gave his name as Moore Locke, shrieked loudly and bit someone’s head off.

“A tall, thin man with pointy ears wandered by muttering something about a whale.

“A guy named Spicoli showed up stoned out of his mind. ‘Dude, I’m, like, from 30 seconds in the past,’ he said, adding, ‘huh-huh-huh.’

“So there were no time travelers at the party.”

By the end of the party, the only confirmed time travelers were Dorai’s purple leisure suit and zebra-stripe shirt. No other travelers showed up, so the party was a bust. The MIT boys squabbled over the only female-like creature in the room, a girl from BU who took a wrong turn and got trapped in Morss Hall like a dinosaur surrounded by velociraptors. Thousands of years later, they will find her bones.

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Magical accounting

Desi novelists are renowned for their fantastical tales, so it’s only fitting that a desi was chosen as White House CFO. Gopal Khanna was plucked from obscurity in Minnesota as the Peace Corps CFO and trustee of a Hindu temple to become the latest fiction-spinner for the Executive Office of the President, managing a $750M budget. Three quarters of a bil for an office? That’s a lot of sticky notes.

With kids named Rohun and Rohini (and Hrithik?), he carries on desi parents’ all-consuming attraction to alliteration and risible regard for rhyming rubrics. It’s those damn storytelling genes.

Update: Word on the street is that Khanna has been pressing the flesh, converting D.C. desis to the dark side. The Imperial Guard has put out the Help Wanted sign. Ennis says, ‘Did you hear the rumor that he’s dropping the last two letters of his first name?’ Ah, now I grok the attraction.

Khanna reportedly whipped the Peace Corps’ finances into shape, but I’ve got no idea how he’s going to deal with being a marginalized minority. After all, it can’t be easy being the first fiscal conservative in the administration 😉

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Sri Lankan maids abused in Middle East

Some stories of struggle are so dispiriting, so mismatched in power between attacker and victim, you can barely get through them. This one’s about widespread abuse of Sri Lankan maids in the Middle East:

More than a million Sri Lankans – roughly 1 in every 19 citizens – now work abroad, and nearly 600,000 are housemaids… In Saudi Arabia, the most common destination, they call Sri Lanka “the country of housemaids.”

… 15 to 20 percent of the 100,000 Sri Lankan women who leave each year for the gulf return prematurely, face abuse or nonpayment of salary, or get drawn into illicit people trafficking schemes or prostitution… Hundreds of housemaids have become pregnant, often after rapes, producing children who, until Sri Lanka’s Constitution was recently amended, were stateless because their fathers were foreigners. More than 100 women come home dead each year…

Some of the more horrific stories:

The young scion of the Kuwait house where she worked had repeatedly tried to molest her, finally pushing her to the ground and breaking her wrist… Thangarasa Jeyanthi… had a face as purple and puffy as a plum, eyes swollen shut, burn marks on her body and dried blood still around her ears. The husband and wife she worked for had assaulted her daily… They had cut her with a knife, kicked and stomped on her, tied her hands with rope and denied her food…

For Sri Lankan women, long hair is a source of pride, its absence, a source of shame. Ms. Manilariatne’s employer – her “mama” – had cut boy-short [her] hair…

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Charlie and the Brownie Factory

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory will star Mr. Soggybottom himself, the little person Deep Roy, playing every single Oompa Loompa at once (via Hollywood Masala). Thank goodness for CGI. I refer not to Roy’s hectic shooting schedule but to the SAG overtime pay scale.

Shelley Conn from the British Asian miniseries Second Generation also has a role, as does a new actor named Ray Verma. Multiple desi roles in a mainstream movie? I smell Brits.

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