Author Archives: manish

Extreme humor

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Some time ago, a group of Net trolls by the kitschy but startlingly offensive name of Gay N* Association of America put together a remix called ‘Punjabi Extreme.’ It’s a set of crank calls to an AOL call center in India, set to a funk beat. Listen to a clip here (warning: NSFW + sound).

The humor is in hearing the group’s name repeated by an unsuspecting customer service rep with a desi accent. It’s the inverse of the My Big Fat Greek Wedding joke, teaching your mark a Greek phrase which actually means, ‘I have three testicles.’

The group takes its name from a low-budget Danish porn parody called Gayn* from Outer Space. I can’t decide if the group’s name is purposely over the top, like the pointlessly graphic ‘Aristocrats’ joke, or if it’s just autistic racism — whether it achieves the requisite level of wink.

There’s a similar urban legend about a credit card scammer who issued fraudulent charges using an unmentionable, NAMBLA-like business name. The theory was that victims would be too embarrassed by the name to dispute the charges with their banks.

Previous posts: 1, 2, 3

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Spittin’ image

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Vikrum Sequeira, a desi American who’s spending some time teaching kids from Bombay slums, unpacks the desi head wiggle:

Affirming your Indian identity: … Since I was wearing sunglasses and talking to foreigners, many of the Indians wondered about my identity: was I a foreigner, an NRI, or an Indian? To answer their question, I made eye contact and waggled at them. No further explanation was necessary…

Making friends: … When I finally bought a phone card from him (after weeks of reciprocal wiggling), I realized that the weeks of waggling had paid off. Sagar, the phone-wallah, gave me a giant smile and treated me like an old friend…

Disarming people: … Once I was walking in a slum near Colaba and a few men gave me a look signifying, “What are you doing here?” I gave them the wiggle and they smiled and let me pass without a problem.

Here’s another gem: a commenter explains why religious tiles festoon Indian stairwells.

You will find these kind of tiles [stuck] to stairwalls [throughout] the country [in] almost 60-70% of govt. offices, apts, commercial complexes… [Paan] eaters used to spit on the walls instead of dustbins… so you may find red colors on the stairwalls where there are no tiles.

On a more serious note, Sequeira contrasts street crime with riots in Bombay:

In August 2003 in San José, Costa Rica, a seventeen year old was stabbed to death near my apartment because he refused to give his cell phone to the assailants who mugged him… Bombay is not like that… I have seen women casually walking through poor areas adorned with thousands of dollars of jewelry. A woman can walk through Bombay wearing gold earrings and a diamond ring and not be in any danger…

… While the Bombay volcano does not spew lava on a regular basis, it is an enormous volcano… What is scary is that many people believe that an eruption is imminent.

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Kids’ books for bookish kids

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Got a desi young’un in your house who loves reading, or one who’s brown-friendly? Author Pooja Makhijani has put together a great bibliography of children’s literature with desi connections (disclaimer: she’s a friend). Check it out.

How these series come back to haunt me now, with their sense of ownership over the world, with the ways in which they defined a world… With all the ways in which they owned words. Strawberry blonde. We read these books, but there was no one like us in any of them. [Betsy, Stacy, Sejal, Tib by Sejal Shah]

Sadly, this plot summary of a picture book for drooling infants could just as easily be a blurb for the books of the mango/mehndi genre 😉

Chachaji’s Cup
Uma Krishnaswami, Illustrated by Soumya Sitaraman

A boy learns about his family history and the Partition of India from his great uncle, through stories told over a beloved old teacup.

Previous posts: Haroun, Ghee Happy

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The TM word

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A trademark dispute between the excellent Jet Airways and an American shell company has turned nasty, delaying Jet’s debut in America (via The Acorn). Jet, the #1 Indian airline, is on the verge of starting a Bombay to NYC route. Jet Airways Inc., the American shell, is spewing some incredibly inflammatory bullshit:

Nancy M Heckerman, the chief executive officer and president [of] Jet Airways Inc… [said]… “As an American citizen, I felt this airline should never be allowed to enter our airspace.” In her petition, she alleged: “… we will once again have Al-Qaeda flying and controlling aircraft over American cities, and this time the officials who issue these permits will be held accountable for knowingly allowing these aircraft the entry.

“… those aircraft are paid for by an international Al-Qaeda organization. Some of the passengers on those aircrafts are not Indian citizens, but Al-Qaeda fugitive, and with the aid of the Al-Qaeda’s own airlines, those who have entered India and easily obtained false identities and passports can board those aircraft and enter this country and complete the mission that they started on September 11, 2002.” [HT]

“… it is still an enterprise which is used to launder money for Al-Qaeda and is still an Al-Qaeda airline… such funds are commingled with the original black money from the Al-Qaeda… Secretary Mineta would never welcome Jet Airways (India) if he was made aware of Naresh Goyal and Dawood Ibrahim’s plan to inflict real and imminent danger on the United States.” [HT]

“Naresh Goyal is trying to enter the United Stats to fulfill his obligation to his Al-Qaeda creditors. Jet Airways Inc is fighting to protect the United States from another invasion by a well known Al-Qaeda Specially Designated Global Terrorist.” [HT]

Terrorism, terrorism, terrorism! Oh yes, if those hordes of desi grandmas start flying into Jersey, they won’t be bringing just Parle biscuits and sweets.

Little Jet uses a shared office suite as an address, owns no planes and has no airline license. Big Jet asked the trademark office to cancel Little Jet’s service mark because Big Jet began using the mark in the U.S. in 1995. That’s when the tatti really hit the pankha:

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The return of pungent Nixon

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The Hinglorati are delighting in the return of Dick & Garlick, a Bombayite’s lingoblog which had gone on a six-month hiatus. D&G dissects neologisms in Hinglish, Indian English, Bonglish, Tamlish and other lingual collisions, some apt, others just hilarious. Here’s D&G on ‘Vitamin M‘:

Vitamin M: An Indian English colloquialism in which the M stands for money. It can be used as a nudge-nudge-hint-hint euphemism for bribes and speed money, or to cynically acknowledge the factor that makes the world go round. A phrase for greasy babus and elderly Uncles…

“We are all craving too much for Vitamin M,” says a bright, cool kid. `M’? Money of course! (The Hindu, Jan 6, 2003)

On being called a vern. This one even works in American English because of the Ernest Goes to Camp movies (‘Hey Vern?’):

‘Vernac’ is Bombay college lingo for a student schooled in an Indian regional language, a slang abbreviation of the word ‘vernacular’… Like its North Indian equivalent, HMT (Hindi Medium Type), vernac can be used to dismiss someone as a country bumpkin, as provincial, unfashionable, or unsophisticated… in the 90s, they labelled the starlet Mamata Kulkarni a ‘vern’ and frequently mocked her Maharashtrian accent.

On ‘hazaar fucked‘:

… she claims that ‘hazaar fucked’, that classic expression from English, August is ‘one of the phrases that, along with Yeh Dil Maange More and We Are Like That Only, ushered in the rise of Hinglish’…

“… Hazaar fucked. Urdu and American,” Agastya laughed, “a thousand fucked, really fucked. I’m sure nowhere else could languages be mixed and spoken with such ease.” (Upamanyu Chatterjee, English, August)

I have no hesitation recommending the blog, but someone with the ontological talents of R. Devraj shouldn’t use a title evoking a German cannibal ðŸ™‚

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Sofia Hayat’s wisecrack

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A London TV presenter and former Bollywood Star contestant upstaged Nicole Kidman at the UK premiere of The Interpreter last month. Not only was Sofia Hayat not wearing any underwear, she decided to prove it. One can only admire her dedication to the scientific method. Click to see picture (marginally NSFW).

Bollywood Star was yet another Pop Idol ripoff, this one in summer ’04:
… Bollywood Star is a four-part series following Channel 4’s search for the first British Bollywood star: an unknown who will go on to win the prize of a lifetime – a part in a Bollywood movie, directed by acclaimed director Mahesh Bhatt.

I hear Hayat is expanding from TV into politics. Yes, she’s been nominated for a position in Britain’s rump cabinet. Unlike most politicians, she lets her better half do the talking.

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Sukhdev Sandhu wins best critic

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The author of that excellent Spiderman review was recognized for his talent in March. We’re slow over on this side of the pond:

Writer and journalist Sukhdev Sandhu won best critic at the British Press Awards… Currently the chief film critic for the Daily Telegraph, Sukhdev (pictured) also writes for the London Review of Books and Modern Painters… Sukhdev was educated at Oxford and has taught at New York University… He told AiM he was “a bit embarassed” about the award, as there were “tons of more deserving writers” than him.

“I wish there were more British Asian films I could rave about. They’ll come in time, I’m sure,” he added…

Don’t we all, Mr. Sandhu, don’t we all. Here’s a great passage from his review of the Indian Spiderman comic in New York magazine:

… people used to scoff at Japanese anime. Aside from the absurdity of being a purist about one of pop culture’s most pleasingly bastard and vulgar forms, those carpers, if they’re to be consistent, should bemoan the popularity of Indian religious iconography and henna motifs among Western fashionistas. Cultural exchange is a two-way process…

Hindi cinema has a long history of borrowing and adapting from Western sources, be they Busby Berkeley dance routines in the thirties, Chaplin-like heroes in the common-man social epics of the fifties, or Dirty Harry, a major influence on the wildly popular revenger tragedies of superstar Amitabh Bachchan… Hollywood animation companies have begun to outsource creative work to the subcontinent, where they can rely on a steady pool of ex-street painters whose former livelihoods waned because of crackdowns in illegal advertising and the rise of photography in film posters…

Sandhu’s the author of London Calling: How Black and Asian Writers Imagined a City. You couldn’t find a more recursive book topic, nor a more politically correct one 😉

Abhi’s previous post here.

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Kitchrie cultural fest in Queens

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Queens is hosting a big cultural festival this evening and all day tomorrow showcasing the desi cultures of Trinidad, Guyana, Suriname and the Indo-Caribbean diaspora in New York (thanks, Saurav). Kitchrie 2005 features food, music, dance and theater at the Rajkumari Cultural Center in Richmond Hill.

The festival runs from 6-10pm tonight and noon-10pm tomorrow, followed by a concert and afterparty. (I’m diggin’ the alternate spellings — kitchrie, Ramnarine, Baboolal, Bisham…) Click here for details.

Kitchrie 2005, Rajkumari Cultural Center, 83-84 116th St., Queens, NY (Richmond Hill); map; J, Z to 111th St./Jamaica Ave. or A to Ozone Park/Lefferts Blvd.; admission ranges from $5-15 Continue reading →

Sachal can sing

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Last Monday, I went to hear Sachal Vasandani croon jazz at a hole-in-the-wall, basement club in Manhattan. He’s friends with my cousin the conductor. The bar was packed with University of Michigan music alumni, a more raucous crowd than the usual jazz audience. Vasandani and his band had the early show, the 7pm show before the headliner comes on.

Because of the friend connection, I wasn’t expecting more than a pleasant evening out. And though I love jazz classics, I’m not fan enough to dig the dissonance of an improv jam session. Vasandani emerged from the gloom of rear stage. He was tall and floppy-haired and stood a bit stiffly, like a pre-makeover John Mayer. He wore a blazer, but he wasn’t as natty as chart-topping young fogies like Harry Connick Jr. and swing band Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. We plunged into our sidecars and lemon drops and waited for the show to begin.

When Vasandani opened his mouth, we utterly forgot about the drinks. The first time you hear a magnetic singer pull from his bag of vocal tricks, it’s like falling in love. Those who hadn’t heard him before were shocked. I wore a silly, involuntary grin and told my cousin, ‘He’s really good!’ He smiled smugly. Listen to Vasandani singing ‘Embraceable You’ (thanks, Ankush; warning: it’s a crappy, mono WAV clip that doesn’t do him justice).

After a few standards, Vasandani cut loose with a couple of original compositions by the band and one by a friend. His voice seems to emerge via ventriloquism; it’s bigger than his body can sustain and more classic than his look. He’s like Charlotte Church in terms of the surprise factor. He has a very mainstream, full new jazz sound; he’s won a slew of awards, and the NY Sun has compared his sound to Connick Jr.:

Sachal Vasandani was a total surprise: He looks like the leading man in a Bollywood musical but is a very traditional jazz crooner…

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Quark CEO out

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The CEO of the dominant page layout software company has suddenly parted ways with his employer after a two-year reign. Kamar Aulakh was a 10-year Quark veteran and former VP of R&D:

“… effective immediately, Kamar Aulakh is no longer with the company,” read a statement. Aulakh became Quark’s president in 2003 and ultimately succeeded Quark’s mercurial CEO Fred Ebrahimi in February 2004. [Macworld]

Hailing from Aulakh village in Gurdaspur district in Punjab, he is a product of Punjab Engineering College (PEC) here. Remembering his school days in Shimla, he says with a sense of pride, “I went to Bishop Cotton School, which helped me develop strong foundation. After doing graduation in mechanical engineering from PEC in 1974, I went to the USA where I did Masters in Industrial Engineering at the University of Illinois and MBA from Indiana University…” Based in Switzerland, he visits India and Denver regularly. [Chandigarh Tribune]

The unexplained departure could have to do with declining sales. Quark is privately held and doesn’t disclose its financials, but it’s struggled in its move from Mac to Windows. It could be a clash with the emotional chairman, Farhad ‘Fred’ Ebrahimi. Or it could be something else entirely.

QuarkXpress is the #1 page layout program by market share. Aulakh put Quark’s 1,300-person development center in Mohali, a Chandigarh suburb where Dell has also invested. That center is Quark’s main campus, larger than its Denver campus in headcount:

… along with the Chairman, Mr Fred Ebrahimi, a team from the company visited Bangalore, Noida, Gurgaon, Delhi and Hyderabad. Since I knew the city, I convinced him to visit Chandigarh as well. To my surprise, he was bowled over by the planned location and cosmopolitan lifestyle of the city and decided to opt for this location. [Chandigarh Tribune]

In India, Ebrahimi will soon start building a dream city in Punjab, spread over 5,000 acres, bringing state-of-the-art construction technology to the country.  Quark City, will boast India’s biggest shopping mall, a host of technology campuses ranging from IT to bio-tech and the works, and housing apartments each worth a crore. To make things happen, the Punjab government has eased archaic building restrictions. It also plans to give the SEZ status to Quark City. [Economic Times]

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