Dating advice from…Al Qaeda

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An unintentionally hilarious (to me) story on NPR Monday morning. It seems that West Point researchers stumbled upon a terrorist recruitment “how-to” manual:

Researchers at West Point recently stumbled on the 51-page manual while they were visiting a jihadi chat room, called Ecles. It’s a Web site that allows members to have interactive discussions, post videos and download manuals. Ecles is the second most popular jihadi chat room on the Web, and al-Qaida often posts things there. Because of that, it is a place counterterrorism analysts track regularly.

So when the West Point analysts discovered a step-by-step primer called “The Art of Recruiting Mujahedeen,” it got their attention. On one level, the manual might be an early indication that al-Qaida is trying to identify new sleeper terrorists. On the other hand, the book is so basic it seems to suggest al-Qaida is getting desperate for new members. [Link]

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p>What is it in the manual that suggests desperation to some? Well, if I were to slap a different, more pleasant cover on the book and then re-name it to, let’s say… “The Art of Seducing Desi Boys” I think I could make big money by marketing it to some SM readers. Behold the advice, straight from the manual [with my suggested modifications]:

Here’s how the manual, as translated by the CIA, suggests a recruiter build a rapport with a recruit:

“This stage lasts approximately three weeks [unless it overlaps with March Madness in which case it may take longer],” it says. “You must do something important at this stage [such as letting him go past first base]. You must identify his interests and relations with people [especially with his overprotective mother] and how he spends the whole 24 hours, meaning you study him secretly to be reassured about your choice [and make sure he does not talk about finance, medicine, or Battlestar Galactica too much…well definitely not finance or medicine].”

This section touches on such things as being nice to the recruit. It suggests the recruiter pretend to be his friend, perhaps even buy him small gifts [like the Wii]. It ends with a questionnaire to assess progress. “Is the recruit [more] anxious to see you [than Jamal was to see Latika]?” it asks. You get one point for “no” [because he probably doesn’t have many options anyways] and three points for “[hell] yes.” Does he accept your advice and respect your opinion [about how he should smile like Sanjay Gupta more often]?… “If you have received less than 10 points, you are on the wrong path [and need to try again on Shaddi.com, or a speed dating event], repeat the stages from the beginning. From 10 to 18, you are on your way [to achieving your Bollywood Dreams].” [Link]

I’m telling you. There is money to be made in this book idea of mine.

21 thoughts on “Dating advice from…Al Qaeda”

  1. If you have received less than 10 points, you are on the wrong path

    He’s just not that into you.

  5. Does it tell you when it is safe to say, I Love You, Man.

    Suggested title: Jihadis are from Mars and Wahabis are from Venus

  6. Abhi: Let’s just assume that your “OVERPROTECTIVE” mother will never read this post. Besides most SM (female) readers really do not need any guidance from a male who may be still looking for that “perfect dream girl”, on art of seducing desi boys. I suspect they already know more than you think they know ! ;)Get back to mission to the Mars or Moon, will you?

  7. if I were to slap a different, more pleasant cover on the book and then re-name it to, let’s say… “The Art of Seducing Desi Boys” I think I could make big money by marketing it to some SM readers.

    Don’t know much about the SM commentariat, but I would be surprised if this really had much of a market.

  8. and how he spends the whole 24 hours,

    in the non-romantic context of this, i assume that jack bauer would pass with flying colours 😉 in a romantic context – is this not moving too ‘fast’ in such early stages, abhi? a whole 24 hours seems like a lot to ask, esp. if you’re setting the standard at only getting beyond first base!

    great post, btw – made my cup of tea much more enjoyable this morning

  10. This or Al Qaeda should hire female recruiters. With my very limited interaction with girls, I’m guessing here, all desi girls need to do is say Hi and thats should be enough.

    Maybe AlQaeda comes across as a little too desperate or a psycho 😀

  12. Can one of the suggested opening lines be: “Tell him what a blast he’ll have if he goes out with you.”

    Honestly, why the hell did some stupid terrorist put this pick up manual online? Do pick up lines work when recruiting terrorists -aren’t most terrorists brainwashed and/or drugged up? So they must be dumb enough to put this stuff on the Internets. Normal people in their right minds don’t think or act like them.

  13. They just discussed this very issue on Rachel tonight, dating analogy and everything.

  16. What does Al Qaeda have to do with desi boys? What does this blog have to do with Al Qaeda?

  18. Does this manual imply that the terrorist must seduce the prospect? I’m keenly aware that in Middle Eastern and Pak/Afghanistan’s tribal areas, there is a lot of pederasty there involving “ashiyanas”, which are pre-pubescent boys with henna and eye-liner. Gross. I know.

  19. Next up, “Bachelor: The Mujahideen Version.” The winning contestant gets a $1 million prize and a 1-year vacation to a fully decked-out, surround-sound Central Asian cave.

  20. “and a 1-year vacation to a fully decked-out, surround-sound Central Asian cave.”

    Or an all-expenses-paid one-way trip to Gitmo.