WHEREAS, Aishwarya Bachchan (née Rai) won the 
Miss World contest in 1994, bringing glory to India and paving the way for three lesser beauties to win the same title.
WHEREAS, Freida Pinto was a model who appeared in ads for Hutch, Airtel and Wrigley’s Chewing Gum, but was not selected by L’Oréal, the world’s largest cosmetics and beauty company, to grace billboards in New York, Toronto and other major cities around the world, causing innumerable men to drive their cars into telephone poles.
WHEREAS, Aishwarya Bachchan has long been known as “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World,†a title bestowed on her by none other than Julia Roberts, which, along with the acronym TMBWIIW, is widely recognized as her trademark, in much the same way as Angelina Jolie is widely considered to possess the trademark of TMBWITWOTA, or “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World Other Than Aishwarya.â€
WHEREAS, Aishwarya Bachchan has appeared in 40 movies, has been crowned the “Queen of Bollywood,†and is a favorite of Mani Ratnam, Ashutosh Gowariker and other top directors who have created blockbusters featuring such acclaimed stars as Amitabh Bachchan, Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Bachchan.
<
p>WHEREAS, Freida Pinto has appeared in just one English movie, a role that required her mainly to smile and look pretty, while Aishwarya Bachchan has starred in several English movies such as Bride and Prejudice, Mistress of Spices and The Pink Panther 2, roles that required her to not just smile and look pretty, but also flutter her eyelashes.
WHEREAS, Aishwarya Bachchan is a member of the First Family of Bollywood, having married Abhishek Bachchan, the son of the legendary Amitabh Bachchan, aka Big B, the former “King of Bollywood,†who graciously abdicated his throne to allow younger actors to enjoy the limelight and to assume a new throne: “King of the Blogosphere.”
WHEREAS, Aishwarya Bachchan has longer hair and greener eyes than Freida Pinto.
NOW, THEREFORE, The parties reach the following agreement:
1. Freida Pinto shall not make any acceptance speeches at award shows or elsewhere without adding the words “I thank Ash for paving the way.â€
2. Freida Pinto shall not appear in any movie in which another character refers to her character as “the most beautiful woman in the world,†without a disclaimer appearing in the ending credits that states: “All characters and compliments in this film are entirely fictitious.”
3. Freida Pinto shall not accept any compliment that includes the words “most beautiful†without saying, “Thank you, but you obviously have not seen Ash.â€
4. Freida Pinto shall try her best not to monopolize movie roles intended for “exotic beauties.â€
5. Freida Pinto shall make every effort, at any function attended by both parties, to direct members of the paparazzi toward Aishwarya Bachchan.
6. In return for the aforementioned consideration, Aishwarya Bachchan agrees to bestow the title of “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World,†along with the acronym TMBWITW, on Freida Pinto no later than 30 days after her 80th birthday.
gives a standing ovation to Melvin
a) Aish has green eyes not blue b) If you think most Indians have brown eyes, then you are mistaken. Most Indians have black eyes, not brown eyes. I have brown eyes and there were probably 2 other kids in my class of 80 that had brown eyes. And, one guy in our “standard” (grade, as you Amerikans say it) had blue eyes.
Aww c’mon PS, how can you not?
oh god, I prefer men so that pic doesn’t do anything for me. Give me Nandita Das looking smart and reverent anyday.
Well said, PS
I always knew there was something odd about Ms Das, but she’s a man?
I always knew there was something odd about Ms Das, but she’s a man?
lol; no that’s not what I meant. I meant that photoshopped sexy pin up of Eva would be appealing to men who prefer women (I guess).
And the beauty of Nandita, the pics of her are not photoshopped or sexy pin ups (but who know maybe she’s done fhm poses) is more appealing to me, as a women who prefers men, but of course can appreciate the beauty of her fellow sisters. does that make more sense?
What’s with all the Freida hate everywhere? “She’s too cocky and fake”. “Her accent is too Westernized”. “She’s not even that beautiful”. Has anyone even outside of this post ever compared these two people? It’s a movie and she’s in it. That’s it. No one is claiming she represents Indian cinema and Indian women.
And you picked Aish as India’s acting jewel? Isn’t she just hogging the limelight herself? Getting lucky with roles for being beautiful? Marrying into royalty? Who paved the way for Aish? What about Rekha, Shabana, Nutan, Madhubala, Madhuri, etc.
Write about things that matter next time. Or get me to write for you. I’m perfectly jobless right now.
Hehehe, definitely makes sense. And sorry to be presumptuous about your gender/orientation. About Ms. Das – Sighh… I used to find her very attractive but our ideologies have torn us apart… As one of my uber liberal friends tells me, all it takes is a candle…
26 · nm said
If anyone here thinks skin lightening products work, please let me know, I have some bridges to sell.
(With appropriate acknowledgements to ‘To Tushar’)
I think you have to learn to read (between the lines) before you can claim to write.
Oh I’m sorry. Did I miss a salient point in this work of literary and comedic genius? The writer is hiding behind the veil of comedy to pick on someone for not being like someone else, when they have essentially nothing in common.
I’m sincerely sorry that you’re perfectly jobless, but try to look on the bright side of lighthearted posts. Otherwise, just read something that’s more to your humorous taste…
Yes, you did. Read Cliff Notes that can be found embedded in coconut’s comment @ 22.
Hey I might be jobless but I least I’m not comedically bankrupt. I wouldn’t even have known this post was supposed to be funny if it didn’t have Melvin the token “comedic” writer’s name on it.
Whereas Tushar may be jobless,but at least not comedically bankrupt,let Tushar grudgingly admit that he may be a little cranky,whereas Melvin is always jolly.
aishwarya rai’s a shrewd operator. while pinto goes around kowtowing to her colonial masters, rai’s keeps it mollywood real, making her the darling of right wing Indian nationalists and leftist anti-colonialists. she lets Big Pappa do her dirty work her, criticizing slumdog along indian pride lines with a twist of Eddie Said post-colonialism, while she benefits from the poverty-porn backlash. arundhati roy could only wish for this level of street cred.
meanwhile pinto is being all western by kissing on screen and everything and now she’s working for a director who married his daughter. all this kissing’s a slippery slope. next thing you know pinto gets rear-ended and goes down in flames.
game set match…ash.
Come now, even though you are personally going through a rough time, there is no need to put down another’s style of humor, however ‘inferior’ you may think it is to yours.
Golden Rule # 1 among comedians: Never put down the other comedian’s style.
I think you just broke that rule, ‘superior’ comedian.
You will never see Jon Stewart dismiss or put down David Letterman even though the two cater to different tastes and different types of people.
Finally, there are people who are as annoyed by Frieda Pinto as I am..I swear to God, to me she seems like a white wannabe.I cannot even think of different word for her..THats how annoyed i am with her..the chances of her being in mainstream hollywood roles as the main protagonist are very very slim. Hell if talented Indian american actors like Kal Penn cannot be in Mainstream movies other then “harold and kumar” then i dont even know what to say about Frieda Pinto..Obviously according to her, small role in SM qualifies her to be in the biggest multi million dollar movies around.. And the most annoying thing was when she was the Golden GLobes press meet, and they asked her how she felt seeing Tom Cruise and Angelina Jolie- she actually goes into a whole story of how her mouth was full of pastry when Angelina came by to say hi and she could’nt say anything and she was soo embarassed..blah blah..i mean she sounded like a freaking 10 year old girl giving her whole damn story..I felt like screaming to her and saying woman u are freaking 25, on national television, please act a bit mature..Even on her stupid tv interviews with Jay Leno and all, God she like pats tummy and says oooh my mom’s food is soo “yummy”- I m sorry, but u are not 5, please abstain from using words like “yummy” and “tummy” especially if u are one of the few indians that will ever be on Jay Leno.. I won’t even get into the rumors of her having a fiance who she dumped after becoming famous.. And now she is talking about moving to NYC because it feels “home” and she cannot act in “escapist bollywood movies”..So SM is not at all escapist right? I mean its actually very plausible to believe that a guy from the slums can grow up and become a millionaire because of a tv show? I agree Bollywood movies are not the best and i barely like them but come on woman, thats where you come from- at least respect them in front of others who barely know about them!! Its hard enough to get through the first round of calling and be selected to just sit in as a participant on that show, let alone becoming a millionaire… In that way, I have to give it to Aish, she will not take any disses against India or the culture and has the audacity to shut up Letterman. Now that takes guts..
Did I miss the notice that specified what all Indians should look like, how they should behave and how they should talk? It is unbelievable the amount of generalizations going on here.
I’m glad i don’t read this blog frequently anymore…its like a pissing contest for academics, this post isn’t funny either…
gud thng u r not on natl tv! lololol!!!!
I never said I’m a superior comedian or even a comedian at all. I said the only thing that would indicate this blog is supposed to be funny is that Melvin wrote it. Otherwise it’s just asking for hateful comments about Pinto. Case in point, comment 67. Just like “Is Dev a homewrecker?” is also blatant gossip and hate-baiting.
I don’t find Frieda hot or beautiful. She has mediocre looks. Average looking thin brown girl.
Tushar is right. This is just typical of self-hating Indians to expect someone to conform to their stereotypes and not to act “out of line”. Leave the girl alone.
73 · Anjani said
wouldn’t that be “self-loving” if they wanted others to be like them?
Just like “Is Dev a homewrecker?” is also blatant gossip and hate-baiting.
Tushar is also gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
John Williams? No one knows of John Williams in all of India?
Time magazine called ARR the Mozart of Madras, now he’s the Mozart of Mumbai too.
That Freida gal is lovely.
I don’t know the name of a single music composer in Hollywood and neither does anyone in India.
The big cheese composer in 70s/80s India was Ennio Morricone. Technically not Hollywood, but associated with it due those Clint Eastwood westerns, which were in turn not technically Hollywood either. I am now confused, is mountainreamer right?
Neither actress has impressed me in English movies. Freida and Dev Patel were nothing compared to the kid actors in Slumdog. And Aishwarya was adequate in Bride and Prejudice. I saw Rai in a couple of Hindi movies and could care less. I don’t even know why she is viewed as this amazin beauty. Sure, I would not reject her in the sack, but she seems kind of dull.
Tabu in the Namesake seems preferable to me than the other two. Tabu played young to middle aged very well in the same movie.
I believe Alan Silvestri is pretty well known.
73 · Anjani said
Tush & Anj, go have anti-SM meetup over ham & waffles.
I doubt Freida will make it big in Hollywood. Nobody knows how good her acting is, I mean she appeared for less than 15 min + a song sequence in slumdog. She might get a few offers, and converting her dollars to rupees, she will be well settled for life. But thinking she might be huge is dreaming too much. Someone was comparing her to Lucy liu, Lucy is an American without accent and the only movie I remember her was Charlies Angels. I am yet to see Marion Cotillard appear in hollywood movie after winning an oscar last year. I mean Shriya Charan appeared in a hollywood movie(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Other_End_of_the_Line) last year. Big deal about Frieda getting a couple of movies. It will be interesting to see if she can hold the hype.
I think both women are gorgeous but have very different looks – the one thing they have in common is that they both look very Indian to me :); I wouldn’t mistake Aish as a white person – just something about the shape of her eyes, to her button nose, hair and skin tone just speaks to me as South Asian with all our diversity.
how does your statement contradict the wsj statement? they surely don’t need to know the names of composers, just have heard hollywood music. (fwiw, i have heard of john williams and ennio morricone. and, of course, henry mancini!)
76 · bess said
There you go again with your imperialist neo-colonial agenda again. mozart is the arr of austria, got it?
Those claiming Aish not looking indian enough, dont know enough about diversity of indian people. Green eyes and white skin are fairly common among rajputs and jats of western rajasthan. The place where I come from (brij) has 100s of villages filled with white skinned people. The diversity & randomness of skin-color is amazing – e.g. one of my cousin is as white as any north-european, while both his parents and all 4 grand-parents were dark-brown
“i have heard of john williams and ennio morricone. and, of course, henry mancini!”
also hans zimmer. but music is so much more important to the success and longevity of hindi movies. so of course, indians can discern among composers. plus, some desi composers have personalities that would be any journalists’ delight — take bappi lahiri and anu malik.
Honestly, I’d never heard of these people before. Noone listens to Hollywood music scores in India, except for that one godawful song from Titanic – and yes, there are a few people who love the songs of Sound of Music and some still grooving to Grease. Upper middle class college educated folks are more likely to know rock/pop/heavy metal bands than Hollywood composers. The point I was trying to make is that India has its own independent cinematic tradition, its own line of great composers and naturally they are the people that Rahman gets compared to.
Please !! Jay Leno is hardly an intellectual forum. It is the place where 40 year old actresses come on and act like they are 16. I distinctly remember Cameron Diaz, who giggled like a teenager and declared gleefully – I LOOOOVE Compost !!
Mountaindreamer,
Once again can you please refrain from generalizing what you know or don’t know to a country of 1 billion plus?
Jawohl!
Who is he getting compared to (besides Mozart ha!)?
89 · bess said
Well, he grabbed the torch from Ilaiyaraja who had dominated Tamil film music for a couple of decades before that. Rahman’s style is, of course, very different from Ilaiyaraja’s – more syncretic, and creative use of technology, and arguably more versatile, although he has also benefited from being in the ascendant during the time when India was opening up to the world.
“Who is he getting compared to (besides Mozart ha!)?” in desh, he’s constantly compared to rahul dev burman, and also always called the rightful heir to that tradition of hindi film music. personally, i think he has far surpassed him (this is a controversial opinion, i know; but let’s just attribute it to taste); only rehman doesn’t seem to have a contemporary that matches up to the stature of kishore kumar.
ps: even though sepia is an intellectual forum, let me just gleefully giggle and say — “I LOOOOVE Compost too !!”
91 · portmanteau said
Much as it hurts me to cast aspersions on my namesake, R.D benefited as much from the closed Indian society as Rahman benefited from its opening up. RD had the good fortune to be able to listen to the big rock and pop hits of his time, and promptly set them to Hindi film songs, and surprise, surprise, they were popular!
“Much as it hurts me to cast aspersions on my namesake” they’re all sister to the real thang, i know. yeah, but i agree about disguised plagiarism and rdb. but of course, if you say this in india, you’ll be thrown to the lions. people have a huge resistance to accepting any information that contradicts the platonic image of their favorite star. which is partly why ms. rai proudly announced that she had kept her virginity intact until her late 20s. it seemed odd to my umrikan friends that she would advertise such a personal thing. but declarations like that only enhanced her star power and mass appeal in india. well, her decisions about her sex life are sacred; i was indifferent to her celebrity status, but really quite disappointed when she married that tree. that said, i’d be equally upset if any high-school educated woman who made her own living would consent to marrying a tree for whatever ritual.
32 · nm said
Why do African Americans impute a magical quality to melanin?
67 · rain maiden said
Most bollywood actors sound like this in interviews. Maybe someone can tell me why.
93 · portmanteau said
Word on the street is that she’s a member of the Anscombe society.
And word on the street is that she was quite disappointed with Small B after that tree.
Getting to be in Woody Allen’s next movie as your second ever role, and being taken on by the Creative Artists Agency, the most powerful and important Hollywood agents, (at least half of the A list stars of Hollywooad are with them), suggests otherwise.
She is a very shrewd and intelligent woman. She knows what she has to do to take her opportunities. I predict she will have an interesting and significant career. I bet she’ll play a lot of ingenue and dusky exotic femme fatale roles, but she’ll get work. Having Woody Allen as your mentor is as good as it gets for an actor starting out like her — credibility, a small scale movie that she won’t have to carry, slow and steady building her profile and acting chops. She will be around for a while. American movies will have room for her.
And I personally think that Bipasha Basu is the most alluring and gorgeous Indian woman alive.
92 • Rahul said
Well. I don’t know about that. I discovered R.D Burman after I moved to US, thanks to Indian friends who were into old bollywood songs. IMO Burman was far more creative than Rehman of today. Only time will tell whether Rehman’s creations will be considered ‘timeless’ – a few decades from now. I like most of Rehman’s songs but I cringe at that synthetic/techno nature of his arrangements.
98 · sulabh said
About what? His serial plagiarism is well documented by chronology of his hits and their antecedents. Although I guess I am not giving hin enough credit for his good taste in selecting the tunes to filch… (this doesn’t make the actual songs any less enjoyable, and I listen to them too).
“I like most of Rehman’s songs but I cringe at that synthetic/techno nature of his arrangements.”
yes, I thought so too. But I think his music has matured quite a bit since the ‘Roja’ days, and the synthetic nature of his compositions has mellowed nicely, if one excludes the obligatory dance tracks that each movie album contains. I do not, however, know much of his work beyond Hindi film music, so my statements apply only to that extent.