DEAR ANU: I’m tired of the dating scene and have decided that I’d like to have an arranged 
marriage, but my parents insist that I have a love marriage. They don’t want me to end up like them. “A love marriage may not last, but at least you will be happy for a short time,” my father said. “With an arranged marriage, you may be unhappy forever.”
I cried and pleaded with them to arrange my marriage. Finally, my mother said, “Okay, then. We will arrange a love marriage for you.” They want to arrange it with the son of my father’s dentist. They want me to date him for six months and try my best to fall in love with him. “He is a good boy,” my mother said. “He will not expect you to sleep with him on the first date.”
I just about screamed when I heard that. “I’m saving myself for the right man!” I said. My father, who happens to be a banker, smiled and nodded his head. “Saving is good,” he said. “But boys these days, before making any investments, they like to do some checking.”
Please help me! I don’t know what to do. — SoConfused in SoCal
DEAR SO CONFUSED: Yours is a common complaint I’ve been getting from the younger generation. Many parents aren’t totally happy with their arranged marriages and want something better for their children. But the children have been through the dating process and want something better for themselves, something that doesn’t involve being dumped.
I think the idea of arranging a love marriage is a good one, but so is falling in love with an arranged marriage. The important thing is to end up with the right person, someone who will love and cherish you, someone who’s interested in a long-term investment, rather than a quick withdrawal.
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DEAR ANU: I’ve been searching for a good Punjabi man to settle down with, but my mother is telling me not to limit my options. “Punjabi boy would be nice,” she said, “but you should also look at Tamil boys and Bengali boys. And what about Mexican boys and African-American boys? Someone like Will Smith would be nice. He is so cute.â€
I just have one question: When did my mother become so freakin’ open-minded? She is making my life too complicated. This is all Obama’s fault. My mother fell in love with him, voted for him and now wants to have a son-in-law like him, even if she can’t move into the White House with him. I want a husband with whom I can share the same culture -– and I don’t mean yogurt.
Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable. –- Punjabi Princess
DEAR PUNJABI PRINCESS: You are not being unreasonable. It is important to share things with your spouse. Some couples share culture, while others share calling plans. A few even share razors.
If you want to remain a princess, you may want to find a man who’ll share the most important thing with you –- shares in Microsoft.
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DEAR ANU: I recently gained admission to medical school, but when I told my parents, they were very disappointed. They want me to become a stand-up comedian.
“Why can’t you be like Paul Varghese?†my father said. “He is a good Malayalee boy. And so funny too. He even makes Americans laugh.â€
“Listen to your father,†my mother said. “Anyone can become a doctor, but only if you are like Paul Varghese, you can talk about your mother’s cooking on TV.â€
“I like Paul Varghese,†I told them, “but I want to be like Abraham Verghese. Medicine is my calling.â€
“I am sure everyone is calling Paul Varghese,†my father said. “They want to find out if they can introduce their daughter to him.â€
Please help me, Anu. My parents are obsessed with stand-up comedy. I don’t want to disappoint them. –- Aspiring Doctor.
DEAR ASPIRING DOCTOR: You don’t have to disappoint your parents. Just tell them you’re going to medical school so that you can be the medical correspondent on The Daily Show.
As Paul Varghese would tell you, comedy can be a very rewarding career. You can always do medicine on the side.
Un-identified desi,
Here let me help you paint a visual picture of the prospective groom meets bride at tea with a little help from Kamalahassan and Sridevi. To me, it doesn’t matter if I personally belong in that scene or not. The important thing for me is that I am now able to see it as one more beautiful rite and ritual, in the long list of rites, rituals and mating dances, that humans (and animals) the world over adopt to signal their readiness to mate and nest.
The rose metaphor in my post does not stand for the dating ritual but instead it stands for the nesting process–the idea of building a home and stability with one you hope will not let you down.
You seem far more sure of what my country or my culture should be than I myself am. Good for you. If you like your puzzles a little more complicated then here is a challenge for you: go back and read all my comments; only, change the handle to ‘Cheeky sex kitten’ instead of ‘Cheeky aunt’ (which was inspired by agni aunt; not that I couldn’t be somebody’s aunt). Then try to guess where I belong.
Also, here is a piece of advice: If lack of conversation = lack of (visible) chemistry in your books, and this leads you to conclude that there is a lack of wild activity in bed, then you are in big trouble. You have no idea what you are missing.
Lastly, rural Indians have always displayed and exercised their raw sensualities and sexualities more so than us genteel urbanites. There is no need to patronize them.
50 · nm said
I still think that the idea of dating was instituted to just have sex with as many people as possible just like an uncultured caveman would, just as it was in Europe where people dated just so they can have sex with as many people as they could. That is why i am surprised that westerners have not abandoned this practice as the Indians have.
nm:
You mean, it is the square-peg answer you were looking for to fit into your square hole?
And you ‘broadened your mind’? You are expecting too much out of yourself, sir.
49 · Un-indentified Desi said
All I can say is you don’t know what you are talking about, especially about villages. I grew up in a village, and you can trace back the extra marital and pre marital affairs through STDs/HIVs just like you can in a normal US high school. Just because villages dont have Cafe Coffee day doesnt mean they dont have sex. If you want to verify what I said ask any Doctor working in a village that YOU are talking about.
Ah, I messed up with the link to an iconic scene. I see sensual art, beauty, and yes, one form of culture, in Sridevi’s demure and coy style and in her furtive look at 1:43 — a body language and posture that I wouldn’t be able to display even if my life depended on it. Is it progression, regression or mere distance?
51 · Cheeky aunt said
Really? where do they exercise these sensualities? in the rice paddies? Wouldn’t you say that women in rural india are far more restricted than women in the metro’s? I mean, really restricted.
awww…you cheeky, cheeky…auntyji….
since we’re referring to iconic scenes of art, beauty, and culture…i’m sure small town india looks a lot more like this than meets the eye at first glance, which is perhaps sweet cheeky ailf’s point.
Exactly. I am living proof of that. I was conceived there. Not for my family all that troublesome, annoying, restrictive Brahmin sensibilities.
And nm/Un-identified Desi/Pardesi gori: considering you are a clueless, non-indian, I am pleased you have learnt to address me as auntyji. So much respect, beti. I am sure you will have no trouble finding a boy.
I know right, village women in India are chained to the rice paddy fields. I just wish they could work in strip clubs just like a normal American girl where she could express her “sensualities”.
59 · sarcastician said
normal? it takes a lot of effort, skill, and talent to be accepted into those clubs. exceptional is more like it.
Probably. Just fewer pairs of stilletos, maybe.
Now here is something straight from the
rice paddiessugar cane fields. And here is the ubiquitous bathing-with-the-skirt-tucked-up scene.Any one community, rural or otherwise, teaching another community how to love would be like teaching kingfishers to fish. A foolish and arrogant endeavour. That’s all folks. That’s my point. Adios.
58 · Cheeky aunt said
aunty cheeky-ji:
please stop referring to me as pardesi gori. I already told you that i am not a troll.
I’m a non-indian, but i’m not as clueless as you think.
Om shanti
Cheeky aunty@61, good one..very deep philosophy….btw “Pothi Vacha” nice song
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
Finally someone said it. I don’t know where this ridiculous romanticized idea of “rural” or “traditional” India came from. People always broke the rules and they always will break the rules. It’s part of what makes life exciting.
While the “traditional” India might have believed in maintaining certain standards that doesn’t mean that everyone stuck to them. “Traditional” American mores discourage teen-pregnancies and divorce too and yet here we are.
People like to patronize the rural poor by imagining that their lives are just endless torrents of pain. It’s just not so. If it was really that bad they would have all killed themselves by now but go to these villages and you will see smiles. You see more people smiling walking down the street than I see walking down any US Metro sidewalk. And they’re kind too. The hospitality and generosity of the dirt poor Indian (or African or Latin American) peasant is staggering. They will gladly give you the shirt off their back if you need it badly enough.
I’m not saying it’s perfect. Various forms of prejudice abound and it’s shameful that they haven’t been given access to schools, a decent standard of healthcare and sanitation, and the opportunities to find dignified work. But this idea that everyone who is poor is just living in some mindless subhuman existence is just absurd. What they need is people who respect them enough to care about what they want for themselves. What they don’t particularly care for is pity, patronization, and feigned empathy.
“normal? it takes a lot of effort, skill, and talent to be accepted into those clubs. exceptional is more like it.”
whatevz, dude; i got in because desis are a URM in da club. yay diversity points!
64 · Seth said
I don’t think anyone is patronizing them and of course they are not mindless.
Anyway, i was watching this documentary on dalits in india and one of the scenes shows two women arguing when a dalit child accidentally run into a non-dalit section of the village and the non-dalit woman is yelling at the kid’s mother and complaining that the dalit child had no right (simply because they were a dalit) — had no right to even step on to their side of the village.
In rural Africa, this would never, ever, happen because there is no such caste system. I understand poverty, but I don’t understand the caste system.
Link to documentary here: http://www.joost.com/3128xea/t/The-Untouchables
lmfao. Thanks for a good laugh. =]
65 · portmanteau said
Well Port…I’ve long argued AA only helps those who don’t need it in the 1st place.
Really? Such things could never ever ever happen in rural Africa? Really now?
Even in America just 40 years ago a Black guy would find himself lynched if he offended the wrong White person. And we were the richest country in the world at the time?
You need to get something straight. Wherever you find money, power, or prestige at stake you will find people being dicks to each other. The more desperate people are for money, power, or prestige the more likely they are to be dicks. All it takes is the most basic understanding of human nature to figure this out.
“Well Port…I’ve long argued AA only helps those who don’t need it in the 1st place.”
touche. well, if your economic stimulus package pays for my graduate education, i’ll be the CC to your jack donaghy.
Great article. But I don’t get it. My parents ARE like the ones mentioned above. I happened to have a love marriage to a guy of the same caste, creed, etc. by accident, and my parents wanted EVERYONE to know my marriage was NOT arranged. (BTW, their marriage was arranged, and they are very happy and stable). My parents were happy that my brother married at all, even if it wasn’t within the community. My parents say “If you have kids”, not “When you have kids”. I think sometimes Indian parents go overboard the other way, so noone will think they are like “Indian parents”. Either that or they are lying.
NM, I will attempt to explain further the phenomena of caste and arranged marriage. Your questions and curiosity are both valid and widespread. That a few commenters are trying to shame you into silence is telling of a certain mentality that is not uncommon amongst people who feel affronted when confronted with very real and negative aspects of their culture.
I am neither ashamed of, nor apologetic of my culture’s arranged marriage system. Nor am I particularly attached to it, hence I see no reason not to discuss it from a neutral, sociological point of view.
You will not find me cowering in shame over the subject matter, nor trying to shame YOU into defending or apologizing for whatever mating systems might be en vogue in your culture, like Sarcastician did in comment # 59 with this silliness; I know right, village women in India are chained to the rice paddy fields. I just wish they could work in strip clubs just like a normal American girl where she could express her “sensualities”.
What nonsense.
So here goes. NM, you say that in Africa the rural folk have no caste system and hence will not arrange marriages according to caste. Think of caste as tribe. In fact, the caste system is nothing but a tribal system. My research of Africa (thankyou DISCOVERY channel, lol), lays bare the fact that African tribal folk do in fact arrange marriages amongst each other in accordance to tribal affiliation. Now, if you look at African people who have left behind their ancestral faiths and converted to Abrahamic religions, you will find them arranging their marriages according to religion. Cases of Muslims being arranged with Christians or Christians being arranged with indigenous African religion adherents would be rare, if existant at all. However, being that plenty of African folk marry according to their own choice as well, in those self-chosen marriages you may find more cross-religious loving taking place.
Now about India. The caste system is an ancient tribal system, nothing more nothing less. However, this system has expanded and complicated itself in a myriad of ways over the centuries. Being that India is not a mono-linguistic and mono-cultural place, the way that people presevered their cultures was through marriage. You see, India has several different languages. Hence, one of the criteria for marriage has usually been “same linguistic group”. Another criteria has often been “same regional group”. Another criteria has been “same religious group”. Another – “similar educational and economic background”, give or take a little either up or down the scale. This is the way that people of South Asia sought to preserve their cultures. Eating habits are common concerns. If you were raised as a strict Hindu vegetarian who does not eat cooked food from outside your home, then to marry a Muslim who’s culture requires the sacrifice of animals during Eid or at the end of a pilgrimage to Mecca, well, that could be a problem. It could also be a problem for you to marry another Hindu from a sect that sacrifices animals as well, such as the Kali Ma bhakta/shaktas of West Bengal. So to preserve the various cultures, sub-cultures and mini-cultures of India, and there are many such cultures within the borders of that tract of land even today, people were arranged to marry people who were more similar to them than not.
It is all very tribal in essence. Nothing necessarily wrong with that.
Now, when it comes to dating. Have you ever been to India? When and if you ever go you will come to realize that India is a place with several different “time zones”. By time zones I mean that several centuries are living side by side in India – simultaneously. You have the pre-modern, the modern, and the post-modern, all living side by side. Indian people who are modern or post-modern are more likely to date. That is usually because their lifestyles allow them to cross boundaries, even of language. They know English, so even if one’s mother tongue is Tamil and her lover’s mother tongue is Bhojpuri, well, they communicate in English. But take a pre-modern Tamilian who speaks only Tamil and a pre-modern Bihari who speaks only Bhojpuri and you can see that just the linguistic difference alone would prevent them from communicating with one another, what to speak of developing any sort of longterm relationship.
The idea to supplant modern and post-modern ideas of dating and mating upon people who are living pre-modern lifestyles just does not make sense because they do not have the require tools for such. For instance, in most villages of India there is no place to go on a “date”. No fancy restaurants, no nice movie theatres were men and women attend in mixed company, no ambience-drenched roadside cafes. Where would couples go? Another thing, because dating is not part of such pre-modern lifestyles, the people would not have been trained and practiced in “game” – flirting, approach techniques, etc.
There just is not a sufficient physical or mental/emotional space for the people to implement a very alien concept such as dating. However, a case could be made for “courtship” in such villages. You know, in the West, during pre-industrial days there was “courtship” – chaparoned meetings between young men and women with the permission of their families, all with a view towards marriage. I could see that being implemented in the villages of India and working. However, most likely those courtships would be within the same groupings as I’ve outlined above, just due to practicality and exposure alone.
For more on the phenomena of the current 2009 world we live in being pre-modern, modern and post-modern all at the same time, take a listen to this short piece on “culture wars”;http://odeo.com/episodes/22048615-Ken-Wilber-Taking-Perspectives-on-the-Culture-Wars
Human beings segregate themselves along all kinds of lines everywhere, constantly and naturally. We seek people with whom we have things in common, whether it’s religion, politics, same taste in literature or whatever. Post-modernism has not yet succeeded in making us not want to be with people whom we understand and whom understand us, although it is succeeding in bringing people together for understanding each others’ differences whom previously (before the onslaught of our current technology and before the link of a common language – English) would not have had even the ability to communicate minimally with each other.
In short, the more modern and post-modern people become, the more likely they are to take to modern and post-modern forms of relating, dating and mating, simply because they will have the required tools to do so.
However, it is my personal opinion that the arranged marriage system is a good idea and should be tweaked to suit those of us living in a modern or post-modern lifestyle. Those of us who have the tools required for today’s latest form of dating and mating should be allowed to give that a go, and if that fails for us, a sort of “assisted marriage” system should be in place for us to fall back on. I say that an individual should have the choice of going with either one – or both at different times, because I’m meeting too many lonely individuals in their 30s, 40s, and 50s whom the merry-go-round of dating and mating, all the while looking for “the one”, has not worked.