DEAR ANU: I’m tired of the dating scene and have decided that I’d like to have an arranged 
marriage, but my parents insist that I have a love marriage. They don’t want me to end up like them. “A love marriage may not last, but at least you will be happy for a short time,” my father said. “With an arranged marriage, you may be unhappy forever.”
I cried and pleaded with them to arrange my marriage. Finally, my mother said, “Okay, then. We will arrange a love marriage for you.” They want to arrange it with the son of my father’s dentist. They want me to date him for six months and try my best to fall in love with him. “He is a good boy,” my mother said. “He will not expect you to sleep with him on the first date.”
I just about screamed when I heard that. “I’m saving myself for the right man!” I said. My father, who happens to be a banker, smiled and nodded his head. “Saving is good,” he said. “But boys these days, before making any investments, they like to do some checking.”
Please help me! I don’t know what to do. — SoConfused in SoCal
DEAR SO CONFUSED: Yours is a common complaint I’ve been getting from the younger generation. Many parents aren’t totally happy with their arranged marriages and want something better for their children. But the children have been through the dating process and want something better for themselves, something that doesn’t involve being dumped.
I think the idea of arranging a love marriage is a good one, but so is falling in love with an arranged marriage. The important thing is to end up with the right person, someone who will love and cherish you, someone who’s interested in a long-term investment, rather than a quick withdrawal.
—
DEAR ANU: I’ve been searching for a good Punjabi man to settle down with, but my mother is telling me not to limit my options. “Punjabi boy would be nice,” she said, “but you should also look at Tamil boys and Bengali boys. And what about Mexican boys and African-American boys? Someone like Will Smith would be nice. He is so cute.â€
I just have one question: When did my mother become so freakin’ open-minded? She is making my life too complicated. This is all Obama’s fault. My mother fell in love with him, voted for him and now wants to have a son-in-law like him, even if she can’t move into the White House with him. I want a husband with whom I can share the same culture -– and I don’t mean yogurt.
Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable. –- Punjabi Princess
DEAR PUNJABI PRINCESS: You are not being unreasonable. It is important to share things with your spouse. Some couples share culture, while others share calling plans. A few even share razors.
If you want to remain a princess, you may want to find a man who’ll share the most important thing with you –- shares in Microsoft.
—
DEAR ANU: I recently gained admission to medical school, but when I told my parents, they were very disappointed. They want me to become a stand-up comedian.
“Why can’t you be like Paul Varghese?†my father said. “He is a good Malayalee boy. And so funny too. He even makes Americans laugh.â€
“Listen to your father,†my mother said. “Anyone can become a doctor, but only if you are like Paul Varghese, you can talk about your mother’s cooking on TV.â€
“I like Paul Varghese,†I told them, “but I want to be like Abraham Verghese. Medicine is my calling.â€
“I am sure everyone is calling Paul Varghese,†my father said. “They want to find out if they can introduce their daughter to him.â€
Please help me, Anu. My parents are obsessed with stand-up comedy. I don’t want to disappoint them. –- Aspiring Doctor.
DEAR ASPIRING DOCTOR: You don’t have to disappoint your parents. Just tell them you’re going to medical school so that you can be the medical correspondent on The Daily Show.
As Paul Varghese would tell you, comedy can be a very rewarding career. You can always do medicine on the side.
“This is all Obama’s fault. My mother fell in love with him, voted for him and now wants to have a son-in-law like him, even if she can’t move into the White House with him.”
Bahahaha. I can totally see this. It’s actually pretty impressive, considering that Indians are the most freaking racist people around. Hopefully that is going to slowly change.
and, that statement is not racist, right? lol.
lulz! that was funny!
Another so confused’s amma here. That’s our story. When, where and how did you evesdrop on us? I still read Mills & Boons in my middle age and tell my son to find his own wife. And he is so ‘soconfused’!!
huh?
too good yaar
rather than a quick withdrawal.,/I> yikes. at least you didn;t go on to equate varying aspects of sex with an IRA vs. a roth IRA.
thanks for the post!
Oh, I thought the first one was real. 🙂 Love it, thanks M!
Hilarious
2 · suede said
Right. It’s not.
Here’s one desi who did something about his arranged marriage.
(Don’t know if he is in fact desi and don’t know if this was an arranged marriange. Just has the signature. And no it is not at all humorous.)
Here’s one desi who did something about his arranged marriage.
He is desi. What a monster!
got anything original dude?
haha, for our anniversary, i’m surprising my special lady by buying her OWN razor..
2 · suede said
It is true, whether racist or not.
Awesome!
I’m surprised that picture of anu lentils isn’t white. It looks like oprahs girlfriend, gayle
As a non-indian, I”ve always found the concept of arranged marriages to be odd, but Indians i’ve met, who’ve had arranged marriages have all professed to being happy. Are they lying?
How is sex viewed in indian society? is it an act simply meant to produce children or is it seen as something that should be enjoyed?
17 · nm said
Yes and no.
Through a peephole. Or in a seedy dark theater.
Yes.
nm @ #17,
I’ve always thought the idea of planning a marriage on pure lust and attraction to be giddily and deliciously optimistic, but people I’ve met, who’ve done just that, have professed to have experienced unhappiness. Are they lying?
How are children viewed in non-Indian society? Are they seen merely as byproducts of sex or are they seen as some things that could be enjoyed?
I enjoy these Melvin posts. Highlarious!
19 · Cheeky aunt said
Are you talking about the catholic church?
That is where I agree and disagree with Mr. Gump.
It is always good to keep a clean mounth even though you get tired of chewing. You can always resweeten the gum by putting it in maple syrup. Dont try to make the neighbourhood dirty!. If your jaws are painful, spit it out. Taking a chewed gum from the road and put it in your mouth!, some people can make it work. If the gum is not packaged properly, do a sweet check before you chew it. If you dont chew yours, someone else will.
21 · agni aunt said
that retort cracked me up. i seriously can’t stop.
“peephole.” heh heh heh. I can’t wait till someone asks me how sex is viewed.
19 · Cheeky aunt said
Is there a reason arranged marriages would be less relevant today than they were before?
nm @ 25 said:
The corollary of that then, perhaps, is this: given the relatively low divorce rate among arranged marriage couples, I am inclined to believe that they are not lying. The majority must have found a way to be generally happy.
nm @ 17:
Paraphrasing agni aunt but echoing you, I too cheerfully declare: BOTH.
I see it all around me even though I have not lived in India or among Indians for two decades now. Generally speaking, Catholics marry Catholics, Jews marry Jews, gays marry gays; high-maintenance princesses marry bankers; Portage la Prairie residents marry young and marry their
highmiddle school sweethearts; Hollywood marries Madonna, etc.A rose by any other name is still, somewhat, a rose.
In other words, don’t pay too much attention to an outdated nomenclature. It does not adequately reflect the ways in which people go about planning and arranging their futures.
Peace.
Cheeky aunt’s style seems familiar. I’m reminded of Moor Nam. Any literary gumshoes in the know?
28 · Bemused said
Siddharta! Possibly Mr. Kobayashi, but Siddharta was more into peace. Doesn’t matter, a rose by any other name is still…
27 · Cheeky aunt said
30 · nm said
We’re too busy studying for the MCATS
How is it a choice if Indians do what YOU think is right. The real question is who is right. Prove you are right by making a case for dating=happiness,peacefulness, etc…then you can expect people to follow you. No system is better than any other system in this case. Whatever makes YOU happy, do it.
How is it a choice if Indians do what YOU think is right. The real question is who is right. Prove you are right by making a case for dating=happiness,peacefulness, etc…then you can expect people to follow you. No system is better than any other system in this case. Whatever makes YOU happy, do it.
I don’t expect anyone to do what I think. I was simply posing a question.
Let me give you an example. I’ve heard of many cases of western women going to India and getting groped in public. The answer usually is that the lack of a dating culture leads to all this pent up sexual frustration in men and they “release” that tension by groping women’s breasts, buttocks, etc, etc…
So, maybe, in an era where men and women are now working side by side and where a country is modernizing, shouldn’t dating become more acceptable? and it’s not necessarily about leading one towards a happy marriage. It’s more about allowing the natural, sexual urges of adolescents to develop, healthily.
Now, of course, if you live in conservative rural areas where you’ll be married off at 14, then dating may not be necessary and this happens in other parts of the world, not just india.
I guess I’m just wondering how the idea of arranged marriages came about and how it’s been able to last for so long.
If lack of dating is the reason then why is this happening in US. http://www.nypost.com/seven/08062008/news/regionalnews/mta_rolls_out_posters_vs__pervs_123240.htm
Anecdotal evidence is great, right?
Do you know if Indians dont have sex. And again maybe Indians dont want what you think they should want.
I should have known it was Pardesi Gori.
I wont feed it anymore.
Thanks for the Paul Varghese intro. He sounds cool.
34 · saa said
Okay, then. I will move on, since I can see that you have incorrectly labeled me a troll.
peace.
Is it common for American parents to not want their children to be happy?
I, for one, would much rather obsess about money, status, religious background, and racial purity. It’s healthier that way.
Or maybe it’s just a lack of quality porn.
In all seriousness, though, if you think people in India don’t fool around or experiment with their sexuality I have a dam to sell you in China. They may not do it as often, but just because they don’t structure their entire social lives around dating and trying to get laid doesn’t mean they don’t indulge their urges on the DL from time to time. I actually prefer to hang out with guy friends who are in long-term relationships specifically because single guys and girls frequently tend to have one-track minds.
37 · Seth said
I’ve known many married men who also have one-track minds. That rarely changes.
where might one find an aunt like you? that was such a sensible and polite remark.
Usually, if you’re a responsible enough adult to choose a mate you can have an intelligent conversation with your parents about what you look for in a spouse. Parents having input into a marriage doesn’t mean they “protect your children from life’s hardships.” Even Amrikan parents can see the value in it sometimes: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1362422/mtvs_parental_control_review_arranged.html
Depends on whether you’re talking varna or jati. Jati a lot like race. Varna is basically social status. So have we learned here today that people are people no matter where they are. (See Cheeky Auntie #27)
Touche. At least they give half a whit for what other people might say if they heard them though.
21 · agni aunt said
Ba-dum-bum. Maybe it’s the NyQuil talking or the fact that it makes me squeamish to joke about sexual abuse (especially of children), but I have to ask, why is it okay to laugh about molestation? Why is it okay to mock Catholics for this, when each of us belongs to a religion which includes wrong-doers? If we took the worst practitioners of Hinduism, Sikhism or Islam and used them as a punchline, would that be as tolerated in this space? I keep thinking, “No, because those religions are more ‘Desi’-identified, while Christianity often is not.”
Sometimes, I wince at the stuff said about Christians on this blog. I know, we should all poke fun at ourselves, but that is a delicate act to practice inter-religiously. 🙂 I’m not Catholic, but the majority of Malayalee Christians I know are. So are a lot of people from the rest of India. To those who are survivors of sexual violence or those who practice Catholicism faithfully, who are just as appalled by Priest-sex-scandals as the rest of us, these comments are insensitive.
I asked a friend if I was being too tender about this, and he replied, “Jay Leno makes jokes about it.”
“But does he make jokes about the perps or the innocent victims?”
“Good point.”
I’m not trying to offend or accuse anyone of anything, just wanted to point that out.
personally, i thought the joke was not about anyone, but about the unfortunate phrasing and a rather reductive (and ham-fisted) question that sought to produce an unwarranted generalization about ‘indian society.’
that sensitivity may be better directed at helping those who have been abused, should they need rehabilitation, support, or compensation of any sort (rather than hoarsely issuing defensive statements about the goodness of the religion of both parties; clearly, only a trollish provocateur of the worst sort would blame the abuse of minors on the inherent characteristics of the catholic church. these are general statements, btw A N N A, not directed at you in particular. i see your concerns about such jokes being misconstrued on a general-interest forum like sepia). don’t want to derail this thread, so that’s all from me on this subject.
nm @ 30:
Twenty years ago, I would have agreed with you blindly. Not anymore. A lot has changed in India in the last 20 years. Another thing that has changed is the shade of what used to be my not-so-rose-tinted glasses. In other words, I am trying to convey that I am trying to observe my own society with less political judgement and I am trying to understand what made it work.
What gave you the idea that Indians are not exploring their sexuality? Right now, as you are engaging in pseudo-concern for the hundreds of millions in India you assume have suppressed their sexuality, a good chunk of them are having sex (quite likely the adults in the country) or fantasizing having sex (adults & minors alike; and please don’t tell me fantasy plays no concrete role in developing one’s sexuality–all kinds of companies make money delivering people’s fantasies) or passing notes in class with romantic lines and polishing their poetry skills. Even those you think are perpetually unhappy–the ones who you believe have known not a single day of happiness in their lives because they’ve been wed to somebody they didn’t fall in love with–even they have sex and learn to wake up with bigger and bigger secretive, naughty smiles meant only for each other across the breakfast table everyday. As an auntijie told me once a long time ago: couples grow on each other and grow with each other.
Personally, I am at an age and stage in my life where I have begun to see that a myriad of choices isn’t all that it is touted to be. Historically, people lived with fewer choices in all walks of life. By current “western” standards, we must conclude that people were extremely and constantly unhappy because they didn’t have what we have.
Inter-caste “arranged marriages” happen these days and they do not raise eyebrows anymore, depending on which part of India one is in. What is rare still is inter-class “arranged marriages”. (Arranged marriages in quotes because I think you are using a definition that is different from mine).
nm @ 33:
If you were posing a question, then please be patient and polite eough to actually listen to the answers and try to understand them without your pre-conceived notions and judgement getting in the way.
nm @ 33:
Personally, I have come to the conclusion that it is the lack of respect for women’s rights, lack of policing and lack of (implementation of) sexual harrassment laws rather than pent-up sexual frustration that is the explanation. When eve-teasing laws were vigorously enforced in Chennai, such incidents went down dramatically.
Men I know who come from societies with historic dating cultures but don’t actually get dates and, I assume, don’t get laid, don’t go about groping women without women’s permissions. Having they given up on their sexualities or are they taught to hold themselves in check given the sociopolitical environment surrounding them?
In the same way and for the same reasons that marriages were arranged across Europe’s royalty and nobility.
Port @ 42:
I am sorry you thought it was a reductive and ham-fisted question that sought to PRODUCE an unwarranted generalization about indian society.
I was aiming for COUNTERING reductive and ham-fisted questions and unwarranted generalizations about humans that happen to be Indians.
I am tired of paternalism and pseudo-paternalism of one culture towards another. It is insulting. So my words were carefully modeled after nm’s words @ 17:
Here are my counter questions (note the deliberate similarities):
Bemused and Manju: Are you being sexist? Or are you pigeonholing me? Or are you doing both?
“I was aiming for COUNTERING reductive and ham-fisted questions and unwarranted generalizations about humans that happen to be Indians.”
you’re right, cheeky aunt, i’ll clarify. you sought to illustrate the reductive-ness of OP’s question. the mirroring of nm’s words produced a turn of phrase that yielded an obvious joke (yes, deconstruction ruins humor). agni aunt decided to spice it up a little bit, as agni aunts are wont to do. my agni aunts certainly fan the fires of gossip and strife, unlike staid ms. lentils.
It’s not just the foreign lasses travelling ’bout India that get harrassed. We home girl receive our fair share as well, in fact MORE. We’ve just internalized it, up until now, brushing it off as just another thing that has to be tolerated in our “culture”. Cheeky Aunt is right – it’s a law and order problem, as well as a general lack of respect. But I think frustration also plays a roll. Of course, one may argue that even married men, and sometimes grandpas are doing it as well, so then where would sexual repression and frustration come into play there? Perhaps they are not being satisfied at home? Having travelled abroad frequently, I’ve often wondered at some of the Indian couples sitting in Udipi’s or any number of Indian restaurants who barely say two words to each other during their meal, what to speak of gazing lovingly in each other’s eyes and exchanging sweet nothings. Their utter lack of chemistry has left me wondering if there is indeed a link between traditional arranged marriage systems and “eve “teasing”. That being said, silence during meals is a habit/tradition in some desi families back home, my grandparents for instance always chided us for speaking while eating, so that may have something to do with that.
India is an enigma. You have several centuries living side by side all in one country. Some people have not changed their mode of living much from the last 2,000 years, and that usually accompanies a fossilized mindset as well. I’m all for living organically, but our minds need to be kept limber.
I remember loitering on weekends in Lodhi Gardens during my JNU days with friends and there were always old desi uncles roaming about spying on us young folk and following couples into the secluded areas. It was creepy. These guys were in their 60s and 70s even and they were out to leer at romantic couples young enough to be their grandkids. I think there is definetly a fascination with “free sexuality” in India. I use the word “free” in the Indian sense of the term.
Honestly I don’t know what the answer is. Some say it’s a class issue be we Indian women know from experience that it is not. It transcends class, caste, all that stuff.
The combination of frustration, fascination, mystery (the opposite sex is a big mystery to many Indians who have had little to no contact with women outside of their family), lack of respect, lack of law and order as well as lack of a civic sense are a lethal combination for women in India.
As far as the pros and cons of arranged marriage, arranged marriage serves it’s purpose in a culture where many of the men would not be able to attract a spouse on their own merit (due to all the factors listed above and more). It guarantees that people who would otherwise have a very, very hard time in the dating meat market will have a “life partner”, as they like to call it nowadays. I can see how such a system, with a few tweaks, might also work in the West for people who are single in their 30s and 40s and having a real hard time finding a spouse. I’ve met so many men and women like that and my heart goes out to them and that’s when I start to think that the arranged marriage thang might not have been a bad idea afterall. The problem is that people who grow up in a dating culture with dreams of finding their “soul mate” are very, very picky. So even if a type of arranged marriage system were introduced here, they would still continue to be picky and therefore might have just as hard a time in the “interviewing” process as they do in the dating meat market rotation.
Any answers?
NM:The idea of arranged marriages remains strange to me and I’m surprised it is still practiced today.
Cheeky Aunt:
They are both not roses, Cheeky Aunt, and you know that. One is a rose, the other an orchid.
NM, the arranged marriage system that you have pictured in your mind IS INDEED the one that is in vogue throughout most of India. Metros and their surrounding immediate areas have a growing dating culture. Everywhere else, and that “everywhere else” is the majority landscape in India, follows the traditional arranged marriage system where your family keeps it’s eyes and ears open for a “suitable match”, one that fits all of their criteria. Criteria varies in details from family to family, but the bulk remains the same across family divides. The family will field offers from various other families that meet the criteria. Indian children are socialized in this system from a very early age, they grow up seeing the system around them and assume that they will go through the same, therefore acceptance or resignation is already present within their psyche before they reach marriageable age.
Believe it or not, many Indian youth look forward to the time when the process for arranging their marriage will start. Some of them romanticize this event in their minds just as you may have romanticized “dating” when you were young.
Educated families usually go through a process of “interviews” where prospective brides and grooms will meet first, in the presence of their elders, to meet each other over tea in either the girl’s home or boy’s home. The families ask each other questions, the bride and groom, provided they do not feel too shy or awkward (something that will also depend upon their socialization), will also ask each other questions. If the questions are answered in a satisfying manner and if the bride and groom have no objection to each other (often based on looks), then a phonecall may be placed later to the family that, “my daughter has agreed”, or “my son has agreed”, and the wedding plans will commence.
If not, then another interview with someone else will be held, and that process goes on until an agreement is reached.
Cheeky Aunty, this process is obviously VERY, VERY DIFFERENT than the dating scene in the United States. Obviously alot of people date and/or marry people from their own financial class and educational background. How does that translate into “arranged marriage”?
The two systems are not both roses.
Also, you may say that alot has changed in India within the last 20 years regarding divorce and other such matters. I agree with you, alot has changed IN THE METROS in India in the last 20 years. Not nearly as much in the small towns and villages, where the MAJORITY of Indians live.
I understand that you feel the need to defend your country and culture here, but there is no need to paint a picture of some sweeping change that has not taken place outside a 40 kilometer range surrounding any one of India’s metros.
The mentality in our small towns and villages has not changed much at all.
I’m not saying this is a bad thing neccessarily. And it’s precisely because I don’t think it’s neccessarily a “bad thing” that I don’t feel the need to paint a false picture about it.
It is what it is.
Simple as that.
Unidentified Desi:
You are the only one who has provided an honest answer on this issue and have managed to broaden my mind about india’s culture on arranged marriages, dating, sex, etc, etc.
Cheeky Aunty was being cheeky with her answers. She was trying to sanitize perhaps?
However, your point about arranged marriages offering choice to men who would otherwise not be able to find a spouse is not entirely true. In African societies, where there is a lot of poverty, many men, who would not necessarily fit into a definition of being good marital material, still manage to date and find wives. A lot of women are willing marry so called “losers” hoping that they’ll either change or foolishly thinking that they can change them. There’s an element of hope built into all marriages.
That is why I still think that the idea of arranged marriages was instituted to maintain caste purity, just as it was in Europe where monarchs were only allowed to marry other monarchs’ in order to maintain the purity of their bloodlines. It’s very neo-nazi-“ish” and that is why i am surprised that indians have not abandoned this practice the way Europeans have.