Missing: Bollywood Movie Awards

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Nassau County Police in New York are seeking information on the bolly_awards_2007.jpg whereabouts of the Bollywood Movie Awards, last seen on May 26, 2007, at the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum in Long Island.

The BMAs, as they were affectionately called, were reported missing last May and have not been found, despite frantic efforts by American and Indian search and rescue teams.

“We’ve searched by land, by water and by air,” said Nassau County Police spokesman Scott Hansen. “We even sent divers to the bottom of the East River. The only thing they found was a rusted trophy won by David Hasselhoff at the 2005 BMAs.”

Hansen said the police department has received dozens of calls from concerned citizens about the BMAs. “One man was particularly distraught,” Hansen said. “He said he cannot survive another year without seeing Bipasha Basu in a tight dress.”

Hansen said foul play is not suspected, but police are looking into various possibilities. They have interviewed a number of past BMA nominees who didn’t win an award. But most did not attend the show, so their disappointment, if any, was minimal, Hansen said.

“That’s the thing about the BMAs,” Hansen said. “They always strived to make people happy. Almost all celebrities who were willing to attend the show were given an award. Special awards were created for them if necessary.”

But he acknowledged that police had questioned Aamir Khan, who they suspect has held a grudge since 1999, when Shahrukh Khan won a BMA for “Best Sensational Performance.”

“I don’t know much about Bollywood,” Hansen said, “but I hear that Aamir believes he’s more sensational than Shahrukh.”

Action hero Steven Seagal, who won the BMA’s “Humanitarian Award” in 2001, is among several Hollywood celebrities who have expressed shock and concern about their disappearance.

“I hope we can find them,” Seagal said. “As far as I’m concerned, the BMAs are better than the Academy Awards. They gave me an award and they even let me sing. The Academy Awards won’t even let me in the building.”Also expressing concern were Jean-Claude Van Damme, winner of the BMAs’ “International Action Superstar” award in 2004, Tyra Banks, winner of the “Woman of Conscience” award in 2005, and Danny Glover, winner of the “Outstanding Contribution to Global Entertainment” award in 2007.

“The BMAs?” Glover said. “Yeah, I’m really going to miss them. I’ve always looked forward to the Barbados Music Awards.”

Hasselhoff, who won the BMAs’ “International Star of the Year” award in 2005, declined to comment on their disappearance or the discovery of his trophy in the East River. An anonymous source said that Hasselhoff was miffed when he heard rumors that he was the second choice for the award, which had apparently been first offered to Gary Coleman.

Hansen said Hasselhoff was not a suspect in the BMAs’ disappearance, but had been questioned by police. They have also questioned actress Kangana Ranaut, who performed at the 2007 BMAs and was apparently stuck with a hotel bill after demanding that she be paid before the show.

Reached for comment, Ranaut denied any responsibility for the BMAs’ disappearance. “It wasn’t me,” she said. “I’m a follower of Gandhiji’s principles.”

Among those most upset over the disappearance of the BMAs is Sheeraz Hasan, also known as “The Muslim American Dream.” The BMAs have twice honored Hasan, whose accomplishments include producing the cable show Tinseltown TV, creating the website Hollywood.tv and driving a yellow Lamborghini.

In 2004, he won the BMAs’ “American Dream” award; in 2005, he won the “Bollywood Ambassador to Hollywood” award; and in 2008 he was expected to win the “Dreamy Muslim American” award.

A spokesman for Hasan said he would not be making any public statements about the BMAs. “He’s too distraught,” the spokesman said. “Every time he tries to talk about them, he breaks down in tears.”

Fans of the 10-year-old BMAs are fearing the worst. “They were too young to die,” said a tearful Amrita Patil of Iselin, NJ. “Why didn’t God take the Academy Awards instead?”

Longtime fan Vijay Ram of Manhattan blamed the police and other authorities for not dedicating enough resources to the case. “Sure, they’ve done a lot of searching,” Ram said. “But I’ve seen very few pictures of the BMAs on milk cartons.”

He and others are still hopeful that the BMAs will be found this year.

“My wife and I are fasting and praying for the BMAs,” Ram said. “We recently held a special puja for them. Please BMAs, if you’re still alive, come back to us. We love you.”

If you have any information on the whereabouts of the Bollywood Movie Awards, please contact your nearest police station. A reward is being offered: $5 off your next meal at Curry in a Hurry restaurant.

12 thoughts on “Missing: Bollywood Movie Awards”

  1. My wife and I are fasting and praying for the BMAs,” Ram said. “We recently held a special puja for them. Please BMAs, if you’re still alive, come back to us. We love you

    Melvin,

    In case you were parodying the standard Indian newspaper plea to a runaway, a more approproate line would be: “BMA. Mother serious. All is forgiven. Please come back..”

    M. Nam

  2. “One man was particularly distraught,” Hansen said. “He said he cannot survive another year without seeing Bipasha Basu in a tight dress.”

    Melvin I can’t live another minute without seeing you in a tight dress!

  3. Bahahaha. Excellent.

    Also, David Hasselhoff winning a BMA cracks me up more than anything else, for some strange reason.

  4. Melvin, Excellent spoof, though a word of caution. As you know, Amitabh Bachchan is touchy about anyone mocking bollywood and it’s awards. he is also an angry man who owns a gun and from my observations, knows how to use it. If I were you, I’d be worried. Very worried. Be safe, Lupus

  5. Hey, why did that comment by “Julie”–was #5–get deleted? Because it linked to Ultra Sepia?

    Anyhow, personally I prefer chicken karahi to milk.

  7. Sheeraz “The American Dream”

    In the words of George Carlin “It’s called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe in it”

  9. why is Amitabh walking around with all these guns? Doesn’t he have bodyguards?

    I don’t know why the Bachan’s expect anyone outside of India to take bollywood seriously. Those people can’t act. Actually, they don’t act. They lip-synch and I heard that the dance routines they do, don’t even require them to be trained dancers or even, to be very good at it, mainly because they practice them in short stints and the director then pulls the whole thing together for them.

    The parallel cinema in india is sooooo much better and they use real actors like Nandita Das and Rahul Bose.

  10. nm said

    Those people can’t act. Actually, they don’t act. They lip-synch

    Amitabh is actually a very good actor. There is absolutely no doubt about it. He has made even otherwise average movies stand out by the strength of his performances. And the lip synch is mainly limited to the songs, even though Amitabh has sung many of his own songs. If you don’t like standard masala movies, there are movies like Chupke Chupke, Abhimaan, Anand (and I am not even counting non regular movies like Aks, The Last Lear and Black), where his acting has been inspirational. Watching his temple scene in Deewar gives me goosebumps every time. Jaya was an accomplished actress too. I can’t say the same things about his son and daughter-in-law though. And frankly, Rahul Bose is seriously overrated.

    the dance routines they do, don’t even require them to be trained dancers

    Quite a few of them are trained dancers as a matter of fact. Some of thm are even trained in classical Indian dance forms (Vyajanthimala, Hema Malini, Sridevi, Rekha, Madhuri, even Aishwarya) Try watching a Hritik Roshan dance routine and then replicating it, and you will understand. Parallel cinema is improving. It was often pretentious and extremely boring in the ’80s and early ’90s (only surpassed by Messrs. Merchant and Ivory).

  11. Quite a few of them are trained dancers as a matter of fact. Some of thm are even trained in classical Indian dance forms (Vyajanthimala, Hema Malini, Sridevi, Rekha, Madhuri, even Aishwarya)

    Some of them are very, well-trained, very talented dancers…and let’s not forget the music. Sure there’s some crap music, but god when I hear some songs by Rafi, Lata, Asha etc, it just draws me in and I don’t even understand Hindi ….I love the old stuff, reminds me of my childhood visits to Kerala when my young aunts/uncles would play popular bollywood songs in the background; even in malayalam territory, the hindi/urdu music that bollywood artists would churn out was extremely popular at least in my mom’s household.

  12. As a non-indian, bollywood movies just never appealed to me, but movies like the Namesake and Slumdog millionaire do.

    Even if I could watch them with English sub-titles, those dance and song routines would be very distracting. I like some of the songs and even have some of them on my Ipod, but I just can’t bring myself to watch a 3 hour movie or should I call it musical? with no kissing, no love scenes and no real plot lines.

    I heard Karan Johar say that shahrukh khan was more popular than Tom Cruise? That was funny to hear.

    I also heard Hrithik roshan doesn’t even speak Hindi, which would mean that not only is he lip-synching the songs, he is also lip-synching his lines! He has nothing on Irfan Khan (that’s another real actor)

    Where in a bollywood movie does any real acting take place?