She tried.
She tried to make her marriage to a violent new husband work, and when that failed, she did what she was supposed to do; she summoned the courage to leave. She got not one, but two restraining orders. She switched coasts, to take shelter with the only relatives she had in this vast country, and put 3,ooo miles between herself and her abuser. He drove across that vastness, with a single purpose: to take back what was “his”.
She did everything right, and he still hunted her down, and killed her, in front of the Holy of Holies, in God’s own house, while a hapless congregation was on their knees, reciting prayers for the dead.
A 24-year old Indian immigrant from Kerala trying to escape an abusive marriage, was killed by her husband, who also shot two other persons injuring them critically at a church in New Jersey. [express]
The shootings happened at 11:44 a.m., a witness said.
The gunman ran from the church and drove away in a green convertible Jeep Wrangler with a black soft top and the California license 5JHD200, said the police, who identified him as Joseph Pallipurath, 27, of Sacramento. He remained at large Sunday night as the New Jersey State Police and law enforcement authorities in northern New Jersey widened a manhunt on highways and at transportation terminals. [nyt]
Police kept the parishioners inside the defiled sanctuary for two hours, to gather statements. Then,
Stunned, teary-eyed congregants emerged from their Clifton church this afternoon after a gunman shot three people in the head, killing his estranged wife from an arranged marriage, and leaving the other two victims clinging to life.
Reshma James, 24, died about 4 p.m., police said. The other two victims, identified by fellow parishioners as Dennis John Malloosseril, 23, and Silvy Perincheril, 47, were in what police termed “very critical condition.â€
Friends of Malloosseril said he was near death and family members were making arrangements to donate his organs late tonight. [NJ.com]
Malloosseril did die tonight. Besides being on the church’s Board of Directors, he was a computer analyst who took responsibility for the parish website. Had Malloosseril survived, this heroic man would have celebrated his birthday on Tuesday. Instead, he is a victim of what the New York Times called “the climax of a violent domestic quarrel that had reached from California to India to New Jersey over the past year”. Gruesome details regarding the “violent climax”, from a congregant left numb from the horror:
“I didn’t see anything — I just heard the shots,†said 15-year-old Keziah Alummoottio. “Then everyone was screaming, we got down on the floor. I was so scared, just wishing it was a dream. People started calling everyone on their cellphone, but I couldn’t. I just lay there.â€
Alummoottio, who stood barefoot on the street after leaving the church, was oblivious to the bitterly cold pavement. She said she took her shoes off in the church’s vestibule before the service as tradition allows, but they “had too much blood on them and the police said I had to leave them there.â€[NJ.com]
The church shootout sent shockwaves across the country. [rediff]
Indeed, a commenter abroad emailed our tip line, saying the tragedy was in the “news, even in faraway Australia.”
The Clifton police described Mr. Pallipurath as armed and dangerous, 5 feet 8 inches tall and 160 pounds. They said active restraining orders had been issued in California and New Jersey against him after domestic violence complaints by his wife, who had moved recently to New Jersey. Detective Capt. Robert Rowan said it appeared the gunman had driven from California to try to force her to return with him.
Members of the church gave a more elaborate account of the woman’s hardships, citing an arranged and abusive marriage that had left her terrified. A family friend, Aniyan Panavelil, said Ms. James, a registered nurse who grew up in India, had wed Mr. Pallipurath, an American, in India a year ago in an arrangement made by their families.
It was unclear if they had met before their wedding.[nyt]
Is this really relevant? You can meet someone before your marriage, hell, you can meet someone and know them for years, and only find out later that they are capable of nightmarish abuse.
James had moved from India…to California in January with her husband. But church members said the relationship soon turned violent.
“He was beating her,” Record quoted Rev Thomas Abraham Lahayil, the church’s vicar, as saying…
She fled Sacramento in California where the couple had their home and moved in with her cousin Perincheril, who is the church’s Sunday school teacher.
James has no immediate family in the US and her parents are en route from India, Church members were quoted as saying.[express]
I’m not sure what else paavam Reshma could have done to escape her tormentor. She left him and moved in with her family– family which, thank GOD, didn’t tell her to “make it work” or “think of the shame you’ll cause us”. And yet, that wasn’t enough, fleeing 3,ooo miles was not enough, none of it was enough to save her or prevent two other innocent people from being harmed.
I’ve read various articles which state that the murderer is American, which has me wondering if he was a 2nd gen ABD, like most of us. If he is, then shame on us as a community, for being surrounded by PSAs, movies of the week, posters on the walls of our high schools, dedicated non-profits…and still not getting it. Shame on us for sweeping violence under the rug. Shame on us for guilting victims in to staying in nightmarish relationships, out of some misplaced sense of duty to what? Family? Tradition? Our oft-vaunted culture? The same culture which, while extraordinary in many ways, also places a premium on honor, and teaches little ones that it’s okay to rain your wrath and pain on those whom you love most, because that’s what many of us saw our parents do, and no one ever tells?
The cycle never stops.
Something needs to change. No, not something. Someone. SomeoneS. We need to change. We need to treat domestic violence as more than an afterthought or a distasteful, unfortunate situation which happens to other people, people whom we then whisper about, but don’t help. I saw it, over and over again while growing up. Everybody knew who was hurting, nobody did a damned thing.
We need to switch the burden of shame from the victim to the abuser, to call out such behavior collectively and condemn it, thoroughly, until it stops.
I’m not alone in feeling this anguish. Approximately a dozen of you emailed me about this senseless tragedy, while expressing your own grief; almost all of you used the word “community“.
shows that domestic violence occurs in the desi community and for the perpertrators nothing including life, liberty, and choice is inviolable
Something to inform the Indian community about. There are so many domestic violence stories which occur in our community that go unreported and unheard.
And most heartbreaking of all, from another Malayalee woman:
This story reminds me so much of myself. When my daughter was three, I tried to leave my then-husband, who abused me. I was afraid he would kill me. I told someone, and they offered to help me. I almost left, but then I realized he would just come after me and kill me and the person who tried to help. I didn’t care about my life, but I couldn’t let someone innocent die. That’s why I stayed…
There has to be another way. There has to be. My prayers are with Reshma, Dennis, Silvy, their families, that parish, and all of us.
::
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 (help available in 170 languages).
An important note I hadn’t even thought of:
Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer, call your local hotline, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224[NDVH]
SAWNET has a list of resources (for the U.S., U.K., Canada, India), here. SAKHI has a list of American organiztions, here.
::
UPDATE #1- We’ve received new information, in the last hour. Georgia-area mutineers, keep your eyes peeled for evil:
Police are searching for the suspect, 27-year-old Joseph M. Pallipurath of Sacramento, Calif., in Georgia, where he has relatives. [AP]
::
UPDATE #2- Some of you have asked for statistics or more information. We’ve written about domestic violence before. The following posts may be of interest to you: Wifebeating in India (updated w/ child abuse figures), Wifebeating worldwide, National Sexual Assault Awareness Month.
::
UPDATE #3- a reader lets us know that the murderer’s Father wants him to turn himself in (thanks, “more info”):
Mathai Pallipurath, the suspect’s father, told The Associated Press Monday he doesn’t know his son’s whereabouts and hasn’t had any contact with him. But he urged his son to surrender, and asked his son’s friends to do the same if they hear from him.
Mathai Pallipurath said he had not seen his daughter-in-law since the family made a trip to India in September. She stayed behind in the southern state of Kerala when he and his son returned to the United States. They had sent her a plane ticket to return in early October, but she didn’t come back and they had not heard from her.
Pallipurath said he did not know his daughter-in-law had returned to the U.S. and didn’t know his son, who lives in an apartment in Sacramento, had tracked her down in New Jersey until he learned about Sunday’s church shooting. [newsday]
Mathai Pallipurath went on to say that he thought the couple was happy and that his son was a handsome, nice guy. No. The man whom he murdered deserves those accolades. To those of you who are grieving for your friend (I’ve seen your status updates on FB), my sincerest condolences. He sounds like he was an amazing human being.
::
UPDATE #4- This is Dennis John’s picture, from the Facebook group created in his memory:
May his (and Reshma’s) memory be eternal.
::
UPDATE #5- Joseph Pallipurath, the killer, is neither 1st nor 2nd gen; he’s 1.5. Born in Kerala, he came here for high school. I add this update because I think it underscores how pointless it is to cast aspersions on ABDs or DBDs as if one group is more prone to misogyny.
::
UPDATE #6- One of the victim’s family members speaks:
I remember discussions last summer when I was in Kerala about this marriage. Reshma’s mother lives 2 houses down from my paternal grandparents. Reshma comes from a broken home – her mother left her father (who shares the same family name as I) and settled where she lives now (across the road from her sister). What I heard last summer was that many of the relatives advised her not to go through w/ the marriage. I’m not sure exactly how they met but I will tell you it wasn’t a straight out arranged marriage from what I know. They met somehow and I think despite what she had heard about him from others, she thought he was a changed man. I’m sure she also thought that this was a way for her family life to get better since she would be going to America after a short while as he was a US citizen. Once she got a job, she’d be able to send money back to her mom like my parents do even now. [sm]
::
UPDATE #7- 1:15am. Breaking news. THEY FOUND HIM! (Thanks, rani):
A California man accused of driving to New Jersey and fatally shooting his estranged wife and another man inside a church on Sunday has been captured in Georgia.
New Jersey district U.S. Marshal James Plousis said 27-year-old Joseph M. Pallipurath was captured around midnight Monday in Monroe, east of Atlanta. [msnbc]
May justice be served.
The NYT article describes him abusing her as “a violent domestic quarrel”. Lovely.
My 2 paise: I haven’t seen any difference between ABDs and Indians in India when it comes to misogyny. All the same.
This pretty much sums up everything that scares me about arranged marriages. Poor thing 🙁
Thank you for writing this article Anna. My thoughts and prayers are with the victims of this senseless crime.
What a nightmare. 🙁 I hope that they catch that creep, and that he discovers unending hell in prison.
Sunil said
Gee, thanks. Maybe you should get out more.
Tragic. One thing she could have done is to move back to India where firearms are not easily available.
@Caramelmoiselle You think this is a product of an arranged marriage? You think the chances of that happening with love marriages won’t happen? Phulllleezzzzzzz
i will post the number at the libraries and supermarkets. hopefully the south asian markets will be willing to post it too.
I was watching the story on the news last night and it just hit me so hard. I had an aunt (by marriage) who had to leave her abusive husband – who was actually my relative. She was able to escape her situation with the help of Sakhi and now she’s doing well in a happy new marriage with a baby. She may have married into our family, but we all love her like blood. But I don’t know how any of us could have looked at ourselves in the mirror had something like this happened to her.
I kept repeating this guy’s license plate in my head over and over just in case I saw him while I was driving around last night.
I’ve been looking for info as to whether they’ve caught him or not – does anyone know?
Hi Anna,
I would first of all like to thank you for writing this article and bringing this issue to light. You would be surprised at how many members of the South Asian community would rather sweep such incidents under the rug or not really speak about it.
However, that being said, I think it’s unfortunate that the only time we ever DO talk about the issue is when it’s too late. Whenever a murder or awful incident such as this comes out in the media, all of us are quick to add our comments. But then a few days go by and we completely forget that this is an ongoing problem in our community.
Out Against Abuse (www.outagainstabuse.com) is a website and blog forum focused on addressing these issues and keeping communication and conversation ONGOING regarding domestic violence issues and how members of the South Asian community can become more involved in eliminating it from our community.
Out Against Abuse touches on an array of questions, such as Why Do Women Choose to Stay (http://www.outagainstabuse.com/2008/03/30/why-do-they-stay/) and the ongoing problems of gender abuse still present in India due to patriarchal society (http://www.outagainstabuse.com/2008/08/27/in-india-new-opportunities-for-women-draw-anger-and-abuse-from-men/).
We also have received numerous survivor emails and questions and have been able to connect them with the appropriate resources. If you or anyone you know is going through abuse but is scared to admit it or even seek help, please do visit the website as it allows the ability to ask questions and leave comments anonymously.
Again, domestic violence is an increasing problem that still exists in both the first and second generation South Asian community and it is our responsibility to work towards its elimination.
Please email us at info@outagainstabuse.com if you have any further questions.
~ Out Against Abuse
This is so sad. I live in North Carolina where we have just (re)generated the organization KIRAN, that serves South Asian victims of domestic violence. At our launch party last week, we heard the story of a survivor who met and fell in love with her abusive husband – but after marriage, he changed for the worse. So, this is not just the product of arranged unions, in fact, patters of violence are cyclical. How many of our desi friends or us have been in relationships with a fellow South Asian where the partner uses verbal abuse, insults, making one feel like they are less….this is also a form of intimate partner violence.
Its not just about PSAs and non-profits-the need for community education is deeper that that. We have to engage men, women, and gay, straight, questioning, young and old in a dialogue. There are many forms of violence. In the few short months KIRAN has been operating I have witnessed just how pervasive this problem is, even in “podunk” North Carolina, with relatively smaller numbers of South Asians than other states.
I’m all in favor of guerilla marketing – slapping posters in bathroom stalls, stickers with hotline phone numbers on every available surface, ads in desi news publications and on the radio. People need to know that help, even just a well-trained ear to listen, is available.
2 · Caramelmoiselle said
Yup…this is what puts me off from arranged marriages too. I don’t know about this case but in most cases the wife is not financially independent and this puts her at the mercy of an abusive husband. But one should also not overlook the other end where there is “soft” domestic voilence in many households. I guess parents should teach kids the importance of love and respect for the other.
But I guess this can happen in love marriages (maybe with less probability) too. I think it is purely the problem of personality and character of the person involved. And maybe also influenced by the background of the person involved.
This is sickening. The rage and purpose to destroy in this man is beyond belief. God bless all the support groups around the world, there is a hell of a lot more work to do.
I hope this creep is caught and put in prison with bubba and all the others where he will hopefully learn why domestic violence is not a good thing. God will deal with him as far as the innocent lives he’s taken.
2 · Caramelmoiselle said
I think I know what you mean, but I also think that this is a problematic direction to go in, because it stigmatizes such unions (many of which in my immediate group of ABD cousins have worked out beautifully) and might imply that partner violence doesn’t happen in so-called “love marriages”. I’ve experienced domestic violence at the hands of three people; I wasn’t in an arranged marriage with any of them. I tried to be very careful about this angle, because I noticed how it was in every article I was sifting through. It’s so easy to pack things up nicely in a box and think “this is more likely in an arranged marriage or if (insert something here which isn’t immediately relevant to us)”; then we feel safer, but we’re actually doing ourselves (and each other) a disservice by that process. Domestic violence can be everywhere, regardless of the type of relationship or how it started.
5 · Ponniyin Selvan said
But…we do have kerosene and acid in India. If someone wanted to kill their wife this badly, I think they’d find a way. Additionally, for all we know, she might have been trying to go back to India… 🙁
7 · Raj said
That’s an excellent, concrete step we can take. Thank you for leaving this comment and having that intention.
8 · Fuerza Dulce said
As of 6am last night, no, but I haven’t scanned anything today…I’m sure we’ll hear about it if they do catch him, either here in the comments or via the tip line. Good on you for memorizing his license plate number (and supporting your Aunt).
9 · OutAgainstAbuse said
Well, I would like to say you are welcome, it was the least I could do (since I was so bothered by this, I couldn’t sleep) and your comment is a good introduction to the resources your site offers.
Actually, I am not surprised at how many members of our community would rather sweep such incidents under the rug or treat them with silence, and I sincerely tried to convey as much in my post, even though in the end that didn’t seem to be the case with Reshma. As for your second paragraph, I agree, it’s unfortunate that tragedies are the catalyst for necessary conversations, but I like to look at this and be thankful that we’re conversing, period, since it’s vital that we do. Some of us may not forget that it’s an ongoing problem in our community– some of us may not know what to do, which is why I think Raj’s and your comments are productive.
10 · Avani said
I agree. I was trying to express how frustrating it is to grow up here, see the ads (and even the guerilla marketing), read about the non-profits in India Abroad, watch movies or television shows (“Tonight, on a very special Degrassi…”), learn about it in school and otherwise be surrounded by reminders that DV is unacceptable…and still see our peers harming their partners or families. Creating a space for dialog is exactly what we’re trying to do, because we simply must.
anna, you said “We need to switch the burden of shame from the victim to the abuser, to call out such behavior collectively and condemn it, thoroughly, until it stops.”
I agree with this sentiment wholeheartedly. But it’s complicated, isn’t it? I cannot speculate at this point about his own feelings (apart from destructive and murderous), but could he not have been responding to a sense of shame in his own behaviour? In other words, he might have been so embarrassed by his wife’s departure–a kind of public announcement of his abusive actions, that he sought to bring her back home, back into line.
What I am saying is, perhaps shame is not the right goal or the right question?? I am thinking aloud here…don’t really know what I think.
In a related way, I have often thought that victims of rape should hopefully not opt for anonymity because that reinforces the whole shame aspect–as if they should indeed be ashamed for their victimization. Obviously I support their assertion of anonymity in the courts and the press, but i think that improvements won’t be made in societal attitudes towards rape and domestic abuse until more women join the vanguard to show that there is no “shame” in being a victim of abuse or violence.
Sadly, tragic violence such as this is part of why women tend to choose anonymity in their victimhood.
16 · surya said
It is complicated. So very complicated. I hadn’t thought of that angle, so I’m glad you brought it up. But, I also wonder…if he felt so ashamed, why not take his own life? People (here and in India) had known about their problems from the start, so it’s not like this was an abrupt, heated thing that had just occurred (not that you were implying that)…I don’t know. It all seems so premeditated, I mean, he procured a gun and drove 3,000 miles, to issue an ultimatum and then kill her (and anyone who dared stand in his way); that kind of trajectory doesn’t imply “bringing her back home” so much as, “Bitch, I’ll show you…” or “If I can’t have you…”
My whole post was thinking aloud, so I’m right there with you. I’ve been dazed since yesterday, so it’s entirely possible I’m not asking the right questions. I think I went with shame because I wish DV was as taboo for us as something as simple as dropping a book; we’ve been taught from a young age that we must respect books, and we reflexively feel bad when we don’t, even if it was an accident. I wish we valued each other as much as we value our books. If we can teach toddlers to ask for forgiveness for stepping on a book, can’t we also teach them that hurting each other is wrong? :\
That’s right. But It won’t be that easy (or fatal) as committing the crime with the gun. This guy could have been over powered easily if she had the circle of relatives to protect her in case of a weapon other than the gun.
I agree that the real solution requires a change in attitudes and behavior.
8 · Fuerza Dulce said
This is exactly the solution that has to be grounded with Indian families that marriage is not something so sacred that cannot and shouldn’t be broken when need arises. No doubt when someone marries it is good to hope that one will happily be married with the one forever but families and people involved shouldn’t expect that it will last forever if there is no love &respect. The traditional belief amongst Indians that it should be forever is what creates pressure on the institution of marriage and perpetuates such crimes.
I would be very interested in seeing statistics re abuse between the two countries, or even globally. I will not be surprised if they are about the same, at least at the lower socio-economic levels. I saw a PBS program about domestic abuse a couple of years ago and it is shocking how much stuff goes on in spite of all the resources available in this country. I am not convinced this is a desi issue (but would like to see concrete evidence).
Domestic voilence perse is not a desi issues. But there maybe some “conditions” & “situations” in Indian families and traditions that can it desi men’s procilivity to domestic voilence. It is said that man’s work outside home can be a cause of domestic voilence. For e.g. football players are prone to domestic voilence.
Actually Indian families should also think in terms of visiting family therapists and mental health practioners. Sometimes visiting such “non-biological” treatments/doctors is frowned upon in Indian families.
whoops the comment was supposed to look like this:
21 · Divya said
Divya: I would be very interested in seeing statistics re abuse between the two countries, or even globally.
Divya, don’t know about globally, but here is the national statistic: 4 out of 10 Indian women between the ages of 15 and 49 have experienced domestic violence of some sort or the other during their lifetime. (http://www.nfhsindia.org/ )
40%.
Can you believe that? 2 out of 5 women – TWO out of FIVE just under HALF of all women between 15 and 49. I just found this out while researchign about the PWDV Act 2005 in India. This is not a number – it’s just an abomination. For me and a lot of women I know who have grown up in families where we have had only love from everyone, the harsh reality that nearly half the women in India have to deal with economic, sexual, psychological abuse is enough to make my head spin.
True. I didn’t mean to say that it should not have been covered by SM. Interesting that there’s no difference with socio-economic status.
It’s interesting that the discussion has progressed to identifying whether DV is soely a “desi” issue. I agree with Kam that it definitely is not. In fact, the NY times just published an article yesterday outlining the spike in domestic abuse incidents from military officers.
Domestic violence is something that unfortunately prevails in all communities. However, it is true that the South Asian community works to smother the issue more so than bring light to it.
Anna, I agree with your comment and I think it is great that so many people are speaking out and offering their opinions. I think what I meant to convey was such conversations should continue to take place always so that we continuously work towards prevention of such incidents.
Just to be clear– it was readers who sent in tips who characterized this as a desi issue. I think that all of us in the bunker are aware that DV cuts across ethnic, socio-economic, sexual and gender lines.
Still, there are specific angles to this heartbreaking issue which have relevance to our community. Like…
20 · Bridget Jones said
And…
9 · OutAgainstAbuse said
As well as…
24 · Kam said
Divya and others,
We’ve written about domestic violence in South Asia before: Wifebeating in India (updated w/ child abuse figures), Wifebeating worldwide, National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. The first two links refer directly to studies, the third lists a number of claims and links to other sources for them.
Using figures from the NEJM:
those figures in turn come from the 2005-06 National Family Health Survey in India.
Using figures from the WHO survey on domestic abuse cross-nationally we find that domestic violence in urban Bangladesh is worse than any of the six other countries where urban domestic violence was measured (Peru, Tanzania, Thailand, Brazil, Serbia, Japan), and domestic violence in rural Bangladesh is the third worst of the relevant eight countries, after Ethiopia and Peru. [link]
I’ve never seen a study that involved figures that were directly comparable to the US, largely because definitions and methodology varies. Still, we get a sense that South Asian countries probably in the worst quartile of countries. Both of the posts I wrote also give a bit of a sense of variation within the country. It’s worth clicking through and reading.
Kam said:
Also, I highly doubt it’s soley a “desi” issue – I’m guessing Western media plays up any instances of DV when it comes to brown couples (you know, proving the whole submissive Asian woman, chauvinistic brown male image).
Nicely said. However as prejudiced as the media is we need to acknowledge the awful statistics. I have two sons and the best thing they can learn is respect and love is not just for Mom and Dad and relatives but also for your future girlfriend/wife.
I wouldn’t tolerate this kind of behavior from my sons but sadly not everyone believes this is something we should even talk about. This is why I think so many ABD females buy into the stereotypes that most(DBD & ABD)Men are abusive and all non-Desi men aren’t.
How tragic. How awful that this poor woman could do nothing to protect herself from this monster.
22 · Bridget Jones said
The same of course can be said of a desi woman’s proclivity towards abuse (of her children most likely). The shame and ‘hush-hush’ manner of our community is a toxic one that allows such abuses to occur far longer than they need be.
There are some differences between 2nd generation ABD and Indians in India – The first are raised by immigrants who moved from India some 20-30 years ago with the 20-30 year old Indian values esp. to shield them from the “bad” American influences. The second are raised by Indians who entertain the western culture. Hence, the overall misogynist attitude might be more pronounced in the former group.
Please do note that I am talking about the same segments of respective societies. India does have a big problem with the lower middle class (and below) section of the society with regards to their treatment of women.
31 · Shalu said
True. The reason for this because as much as there is strength in the “Indian” family system, sometimes most couples make too much effort in keeping their extended family (parents, in-laws or close relatives) happy or worry too much what these folks say or think. This is another reason why sometime DV or other crimes within family perpetuates
32 · AB said
Despite the “might be” and the specifics of this sad case, I call bullshit.
Bullshit, again.
I’m coming into this conversation a bit late, but it seems restraining orders and calling the police has done little to protect those under the threat of abusive spouses – preventive measures that provide nothing more than palliative relief. The best thing for Reshma, in my opinion, was to arm herself with a gun. The same goes for the parishoners. I believe the United States needs a nationwide concealed weapons law.
Agree with #36 above. The middle and upper classes are able to hush it up more thats all. This is NOT a DBD ABD arranged/love marriage issue-its present in all cultures and societies. Lets stop beating ourselves up. No amount of background checks will bring this kind of thing up unless they can maybe dig up some exgirlfriend and who does that while setting up arranged marriages anyway. I hope they catch the guy before he kills himself or others and I hope he lives to drop some soap in the bathroom in prison….
I accept the figures on South Asian spousal abuse and understand there are South Asian specific dynamics like joint families, dowry “purity” etc. But when we start discussing premeditated murder in the US, which unlike India has functioning criminal justice system, it is hard for me to understand how PSAs, let alone ones that are desi targeted, would have any impact. This guy is nuts and is beyond the reach of reason,education or threats. Beating/killing a wife to extract dowry is desi, this type of act is not peculiar to us
37 · niraj said
while it seems that this is certainly the only way Reshma could have protected herself– isn’t it sad that he was allowed to legally own a gun in the first place?
41 · Ennis said
Not really…in the absence of men in the house, sometimes there is lot of warfare betwen mother-in-law and wife in household affairs that can sometime take a bad turn.
40 · Shalu said
No, it was not sad at all that he had a gun. Would you prefer that he killed her with a knife instead? Guns are the great equalizer. With a gun, a woman is just as able to protect herself as a man is able to attack her. Please, do not blame this on guns. I have a bow and arrow at home, and I could kill anyone from 20-30 yards away. What exactly is taking guns away going to do? There’s always going to be a way to kill someone if you want to, however, the best thing we can do is learn how to defend ourselves. Anyone who breaks into my house trying to hurt my family will find themselves pinned to the wall with three arrows through their skull.
And the first thing I will do once I get a green card is buy myself a shotgun. When the only people who have arms are the government, the people are nothing more than slaves.
Well written blog post — I’d just like to see this line:
rewritten to say this:
A small change, but it can mean volumes to the sufferers of domestic violence. I fully understand the writer of this post did not mean anything but there’s the implication that the woman is not innocent.
His own father is now telling him to surrender.
http://www.newsday.com/news/local/crime/ny-uschur245940143nov24,0,4956661.story
related: ontario is to treat violation of restraining orders as a crime. I would have thought this a no-brainer, but apparently this has not always been so. Would be interested in your interpretation of the same. Supposedly with this legislation it becomes easier to get tougher enforcement and stricter bail conditions. how does the law in the states regard restraining orders?
Just as an aside – i find that some of the conversation gets ‘brown-centric’ to the extent that the perspective is lost that the same points are discussed by the society at large*. Please take a look through the comments on the article I linked earlier (#45). here’s a sample.
*and then it goes into a spiral of self-loathing which is totally unnecessary. we’re all equally putrid.
Yes, but I think abuse is higher among folks who go to India to get married. Most do this because they are losers in the partner market here. This could be because of character flaws such as abuse, though could also be shyness etc.
There should be a law in India that says foreigners coming to get married in India should stay there six to 12 months after marriage. That would be enough time for any demons to come out, and also for the visa to be processed. This would save Indian women/men from getting into helpless situations in a foreign country. It would also discourage potential abusers and also people who marry and abandon their wives, the so-called holiday grooms/off-shore rapists. Only the really serious would attempt offshore marriages, but as many has pointed out above, this is not really a guarantee against abuse.
My question is once this guy has had two restraining orders, why wasn’t his gun permit revoked? Or did he use an illegally purchased gun?
48 · Offshore said
Legislating that would be a nightmare and plain stupid. You can’t force people to make certain decisions. If people don’t want to get married offshore, they shouldn’t. Simple
Sure, but what if they want to, and beat their wives in another country? Or just leave them hanging in India after raping them in the name of marriage? There should be some way of discouraging such people.
Maybe India should start one of those passport-holding schemes, used by the Arab states to keep workers as slaves. Or if a foreigner wants to get married in India, s/he should first get a stamp in the passport saying s/he is not eligible to exit India for six months.
http://www.manavi.org/
Please pass this on:
Manavi is a New Jersey-based women’s rights organization that works to end all forms of violence against South Asian women living in the U.S. “South Asian” women are those who identify themselves as being from Bangladesh, India, Nepal, Pakistan, or Sri Lanka. Through a wide variety of programs, Manavi ensures that women of South Asian descent in the U.S can exercise their fundamental right to live a life of dignity that is safe and free from violence. Manavi provides services equitably to women from all South Asian countries and does not discriminate based on national, religious or sectarian grounds. Some of our services include: individual counseling, legal clinics & referrals, support groups, court & medical accompaniments, and a transitional home.
Very nicely put, NOT. While I am guessing you are talking more about ABDs than DBDs, that’s still as dumb a generalization as I have ever seen.
Yesterday’s tragic events and murders demonstrate domestic violence destroys the most sacred bonds in our families and communities. Yesterday also highlights the danger those who face domestic violence are in when they attempt to re-build their lives. Not only did the victim have restraining orders from California and NJ, but she attempted to flee and begin a life without fear on the opposite coast. For all of those who wonder why women stay, yesterday provides concrete witness to the fact that leaving may bring women to new dangers. It also shows us how brave survivors are when making a choice to change their lives. We at Sakhi for South Asian Women offer heartfelt condolences to all the victims of the shooting yesterday and encourage everyone to get involved in ending violence.
There is very little data on DV in the South Asian American community. You can turn to Margaret Abraham’s Speaking the Unspeakable for an extensive sociological analysis. A public health study by Anita Raj and Jay Silverman of 160 South Asian women in the greater Boston area did show 40% had experienced abuse – not so different from the 1 in 3 number known internationally for women who face physical and sexual violence. What is striking about abuse in our community is that it often involves the extended family – but so can challenging the abuse. We can use our community as our strength too.
What is intriguing to us at Sakhi is that our new requests for assistance have more than tripled since 2001 from 201 to 727 in 2007. We don’t see this as the incidence of abuse rising but that more people do acknowledge violence is wrong and that there are resources. What helps build this case is that more men are reaching out to Sakhi – for themselves and for women they love including aunts, mothers, nieces, sisters, etc. In 2006, 8% of our new requests were from men and last year it was near 12%. We all know that violence affects not just one individual but the whole family and community and having more men reach out to Sakhi demonstrates that abuse is a community issue.
In addition, our work at Sakhi demonstrates that abuse does cut across class and migration status. Abuse happens in arranged marriages and love marriages – and sometimes people who have chosen their partners feel burdened because they feel as if their marriage should work because they chose it. It may be hard to disclose violence when others may perceive your relationship to be happy. Everyone in an abusive relationship faces different barriers – what is critical is that immigrant women are often isolated from family and community support. But, in general, disclosing abuse is a difficult thing to do.
We also see in our work a need for services for women in a middle to high socioeconomic status. In fact, one of our ongoing needs is to find private attorneys willing to take cases from survivors who don’t fall under the legal services threshold but can’t afford a private attorney. Abuse takes many manifestations and economic abuse includes spouses who withhold education or degrees from survivors – some of whom may have been professionals in their home countries but were not allowed to get re-certified in this country. Like immigration, abuse can change one’s socioeconomic status radically.
I hope these points based on Sakhi’s day-to-day work are helpful. For more information on Sakhi’s statistics, go to http://www.sakhi.org/learn/sakhistats.php. To get involved, go to http://www.sakhi.org/change/volunteer.php. It’s always a great time to donate – especially as resources shrink (you can do this at our homepage at http://www.sakhi.org). At the very least, pass on our Public Service Announcement — http://www.sakhi.org/app/videodisplaypsa.asp — because it targets community members with key components of supporting survivors. Ultimately, violence will end when we as a community say there is no excuse for it. This dialogue and raising awareness – and educating with data and experience – is one way to start.
Warmly, Purvi Shah Executive Director, Sakhi for South Asian Women