When I posted about the new book “Marrying Anita†(Bloomsbury, July 2008) a few weeks ago, I was cynical about the arrival of yet another published work exploring the institution of arranged marriage. (So were many of you. Questions rolled in about author Anita Jain’s desire to find a “broadminded†husband in India and her impetus for writing the book. These were coupled with a heated conversation about dating in the desi community. You can see her answers to your questions and mine below the fold.)
Despite my pessimism at the time, I promised to give the book a 
chance. And, I’m glad I did. I expected “Marrying Anita: A Quest for Love in the New India†to be a straightforward chick lit read about a 33 year old woman who moves to India from the US in order to find a husband. “Oh great, she wrote a well-received New York magazine article and then decided to conduct one of those how-I-did-xyz-in-a-year experiments.†What I found instead was a candid, straightforward, and intelligent memoir that combines the author’s search for a kindred spirit with her experiences adjusting to life in contemporary (and middle class) India.
Jain’s move occurs during the summer of 2005, coincidentally perhaps, at the same point in her life when her father had moved to the US – at age 33. “I moved to India, reversing the migration pattern of my father,†she writes …
Historians will tell you Delhi has been home to nine distinct cities through the ages, the remnants of which are scattered everywhere, like seeds from a flower; a poet’s tom fifty paces from my front door, an old fort not far past the Sundar Nagar market. But I will tell you that there are ten cities of Delhi and I live in the last, one with restaurants where one can order mushroom-and-goat-cheese farfalle, use wireless broadband, and go to nightclubs where girls in spaghetti-strap tank tops gyrate to the latest hip-hop influenced Bollwood hit.
Comparing Anita Jain to Jane Austen might be too much of a stretch, but there is something of Austen’s spirit in Jain’s work which paints a vivid portrait of a particular generation of Indian middle class society. Her narrative is full of acute observations about economic and social changes, class relations, and the dating scene in India’s capital.
Jain does not “consider [herself] some kind of arbiter of dating.†In our email interview, she said, “I was simply one person who took a journey and wanted to write about it.†Indeed, while she is trying to figure out how to go about meeting the right person, she is also engaged in an equally (if not more fascinating) struggle to find an apartment (it’s tough to rent an apartment as a single woman in Delhi; not Mumbai or Bangalore, we learn) and to make new friends (one of her good friends ends up being the sister of a guy she met through shaadi.com back here in the US). We don’t hear much about her work life as a financial journalist, but maybe that’s fodder for another book.
From the first page where she affectionately pokes fun at her larger-than-life father and his childhood stories of growing up in a household of several siblings and one comb, Jain is a likeable narrator. Unafraid to wear her heart on her sleeve or to mock herself and her situation, she quickly shows you that she has more on her mind than simply a desire to tie the knot. I found myself smiling often as I flipped the pages of this book, sometimes feeling myself wanting to race forward because I really wanted to know: Will she or won’t she find her soulmate in India?
I won’t give away the answer to that question, but I will say that as more and more of us wonder about and seek to explore the opportunities that could exist for us in India—professionally and personally—we can’t help but also wonder how different India is from the country that our parents told us about, or the one that we discovered as children and teens. For me, this book was an enjoyable read in that respect. It opened an interesting window into the rapidly changing world of my peers in India; a world that I don’t have much access to otherwise.
Whether the reverse migration ends up being a long term or permanent one (like the generation of Anita’s parents) or not, remains to be seen, I suppose.
In the meantime, here’s our Q&A for those of you interested in Anita Jain’s responses to the comments generated last month.
Q.What was the impetus for this book? Anita Jain: Getting married or finding a husband was certainly one imperative of the book; it was by no means the only one or even the most important one to my mind. My two other imperatives were to write about what I saw unfolding before me in urban India, which has changed more in the last five to ten years than it had in the preceding decades, and as well, to write an engaging, thought-provoking, and entertaining memoir.
Memoir, in particular, is an impoverished genre in India, unlike in the West, where there has been a recent profusion of memoirs to the point where every other book published these days seems to be one. It’s a glaring void compared with the explosion of literary fiction in the subcontinent in the last thirty years. Another popular form of writing for which India provides the backdrop is the travel narrative, in which a usually Western male comes to the subcontinent and narrates the tales of his interactions with interesting subjects.
I have always been fascinated by memoirs and often opt for reading one over a novel, as I think we humans are deeply interested in the lived human experience, something that is ostensibly the ‘truth’. Because of the dearth of memoir from Indians, I decided that this approach would be the most innovative and effective for what I wanted to say. In my book, I attempt to marry (forgive the pun) the memoir with the travel narrative, using my search for a husband as the best way to tell the story of the ‘New India.’ So for example, instead of sipping chai with the Afghan warlord as a Western male writer might do in his travel narrative, I sip Indian wine with a gay male playwright from India’s northeast or I befriend a young man who represents the quintessential New Indian man by playing in a rock band and editing a laddie magazine.
Q. Why not try another American city instead of India? AJ: My book is in large part about the New India and that is why I went to India to write about my search for love and marriage. I was fascinated by what I would find in a landscape vastly different from the one our parents left and was eager to see what I would uncover and discover through writing about it.
Q. Why not non-Indians? AJ: I have dated non-Indians and will likely do so in the future. Because I went to India, the vast majority of the people I encountered were Indian and so I dated them.
Q. One commentor at sepia says:
“I spent almost 4 years there working and longed to have a serious relationship leading to marriage and could only get a few month’s short term relationship from each guy I met at best.Even the 2 who expressed interest in marrying me backed down under family pressure.It’s tough for a girl who does not fit into caste, class, cultural and ethnic expectations.”
Did you experience this?
AJ: Certainly what the woman describes is true. Much of the country is still concerned with caste and class and women are supposed to adhere to certain cultural expectations, but many of the men I met in this liberal and urban setting were not like this and this is one of the things I wanted to write about.
Q. The use of the word “broadminded” came up a great deal. Readers wondered whether you were being unrealistic to go to India to find a husband who fits your cultural expectations of someone who grew up here. For example:
My problem is with the way she, and many women here, states things when looking for a partner in India. First and foremost, she uses the “modern enough” in a condescending way. Yes, it is condescending, because what she implies is that for a man in India to be “modern” and broadminded he has to be down with his wife’s past promiscuities and social excesses. And by default, even without saying it, she implies that if he is not accepting of the woman making all household decisions, drinking, smoking, and having an extensive past sexual database, he is narrow-minded. Do you get that? …
Or:
Ms. Jain’s whole attitude of “well, I’ll just go to India and find a broadminded, modern guy who’ll just have to accept my strong, independent womanly ways” reeks of shadiness.
Can you speak to these comments?
AJ: I can sympathize with how using a term like “broad-minded†might set off some alarms. I was simply trying to write my story and used the word as shorthand for what I might be looking for, which is a man that is comfortable with many of the things I do or have done, which includes drinking alcohol, social smoking or having had sexual experiences. I’m sure there are “broad-minded†men, that is to say liberal and forward-thinking, who wouldn’t be comfortable with their wives smoking or drinking for health or other reasons, and I can understand that.
Q. Would you say that one of your conclusions was that the major cities in India are not all that different than the major cities in the US in terms of dating? AJ: Young people in Indian cities are currently in the throes of a sexual revolution very similar to the one the U.S. experienced in the sixties. I certainly try to portray that in my book.
Q. One of the distinctive qualities of your writing was your extreme candor about everything from your family dynamics to your sexual history. How did you navigate your worries about privacy and confidentiality to your concerns about what your parents, aunties, and uncles would think?
AJ: This was and remains the hardest part of writing such a book but it is important to realize that honesty is the raison d’etre of the memoir or it might as well not exist. As I mentioned above, Indians aren’t at all used to memoir the way they might be here, and disclosing things about myself and others might disturb loved ones but I have also received such supportive feedback from friends and strangers alike saying how courageous I am to be one of the first to do this. I have exposed myself and there’s no going back from that. Indeed, it’s a terrifying experience.
Q. Readers might be wondering: Did the move to India come before the book, or the book before the move? How much of an influence was the idea of writing the book upon your decision to move to India? AJ: Three years ago, I wrote a wildly popular article for New York magazine about my attempts to strike a balance between the New York dating scene and arranged-marriage set-ups. I was approached to write a book, and I proposed doing a book that would take me to India, where I thought the real story was unfolding.
Q. Are there any alternative dating methods besides shaadi.com and newspaper ads that you’ve seen emerging in India? Speed dating? AJ: Drunken hook-ups and friends-with-benefits are two rampant trends I see among young people in India. Young urbanites under 30 aren’t really doing shaadi.com. They’re meeting in clubs or online on sites like Orkut or Facebook.
Q. What next, Ms. Jain? AJ: Right now I’m in NY doing promotion for my book. Next month, I head to India to launch my book and do readings in various cities and after that, I travel to London and South Africa. I’m currently looking into opportunities that would allow me to live between India and the U.S.
No, dude, I’m talking about an incident where a Punjabi co-worker told me and another non native Hindi speaker (because of the regions our families are from) that Hindi was our mother tongue, despite that neither of us would have any particular familial attachment to Hindi. Because Hindi is the mother tongue of all Indians, NRIs, and ABIs dontcha know 😉 I speak my language very well, thank you very much (3 authenticity points for me!!!!!!!!)
Anyway, sidetrack…sorry! And Hindi is a nice language. The broader sincere question for those who have read the book and can compare to their own experiences living in Delhi or other parts of South Asia the book takes place in was whether she captures the nuances of her experiences and reflects them in an honest way. Hers won’t be the same as mine (hopefully obviously) but is there texture to the book that goes beyond the dating thing and metaphors about how many Delhis there are? Otherwise, I’ll stick to Khushwant Singh. Anyway, I’ll go read the book before I write more – but I ain’t paying for it unless I hear some rave reviews.
particularly with respect to the India obsession with skin color. I have heard of plenty of black people having faced discrimination while they are in India (barred entry from clubs, etc; racial insults – did we forget about the black cheerleaders who left from the IPL due to discrimination) while I have not heard of the same from any of my white
It’s horrible to discriminate against anyone, but Juha or PG is stating this like there isn’t skin color obsession in africa or among african americans ; not to mention hair issues, etc. – or there isn’t clan and/or ethnic discrimination in many African countries – where in some areas has resulted in genocide or one group enslaving another. I’m not the best on African history, and I’m not saying that that excuses some Indian’s discriminatory attitudes, but if you are going to castigate all Indians as ____, it’d be more accurate to acknowledge these obsessions and discrimination happen in other communities also, at least. And I really don’t know how much Indians spend on skin-lightening as compared to Africans, Middle Easterners or East Asians, etc… or how much other communities in the world, spend on eyelid surgery or nose reconstruction, etc – I don’t know if these cosmetic changes, that seem so embroiled in self-hate issues, is any more common in S.A. communities as to others.
Thank you for setting us all back about 50 years and blaming the actions of a maniacal dictator on the Ugandan communities he tore asunder.
Choosing not to intermarry does not give the majority community the right to violate your human rights. Indians have a right to remain distinct if they so wish. Last time I checked Africans are divided by tribal conflict so it would appear that they too are invested in maintaining distinctiveness.
PS in 52
Thats why I said she has some valid points. I don’t have to agree with everything she says to agree with some things which I think are valid.
@ 53 · Camille: Thank you for setting us all back about 50 years
Actually, its only two months back
45 · Amitabh said
LOL, it’s funny because it’s true…
52 · PS: I really don’t know how much Indians spend on skin-lightening as compared to Africans, Middle Easterners or East Asians, etc… or how much other communities in the world, spend on eyelid surgery or nose reconstruction, etc – I don’t know if these cosmetic changes, that seem so embroiled in self-hate issues, is any more common in S.A. communities as to others.
Link 1
Link 2
Link 3
53 · Camille said
I’m just telling you why Idi Amin did what he did (many Africans were killed by Amin as well. It’s not just Indians who suffered). Some of those Indians who were kicked have started moving back to Uganda, but the tension and anger towards them, still exists. You have to see how they behave in Africa to really understand where I am coming from. They treat their african employee’s terribly, they will never invite you to their houses (even if you extend an invite to yours: they won’t show up), they literally live in walled off communities away from everyone else, they have their own schools, shopping centres, sports clubs, etc, etc….
My basic point is that they need to figure out who they are. If they don’t like Africans, then they should leave Africa and move to India where they can be with their “people”, but if they are going to live in Africa (the land of their birth), they are eventually going to have to integrate with their fellow citizens.
I never understood why many of them chose to remain living in east africa when I’m sure the Indian government would have gladly taken them in and given them citizenship.
Their identity crisis issues can be solved through simple voluntary integration.
Thats why I said she has some valid points.
I take Juha’s comments differently from you. For me, her/his points lost all its validity b/c as another commentator said, it seemed insincere, b/c as Juha, is saying she is from a black community, I would have appreciated she acknowledge some of these discriminations in her own community – instead of treating discrimination as something unique to desi communities. If I went to a Saudi blog and said how I was disgusted with how SA workers are treated – to be valid, I’d also have to acknowledget the shoddy ways Indian workers can be treated by Indians – exploitation, casteism, colorism, all can play a role…even if India’s laws are supposed to protect worker exploitation, which is better than Saudi.
Choosing not to intermarry does not give the majority community the right to violate your human rights. Indians have a right to remain distinct if they so wish. Last time I checked Africans are divided by tribal conflict so it would appear that they too are invested in maintaining distinctiveness.
Totally agree.
27 · louiecypher said
Indeed. btw, louicypher, I am visiting my lovely brother at Pomona, and I get why you’re so riled up about the great time these guys are having. What a gorgeous campus.
Dr. AmNonymous: I’ve found that the best writing on Dilli is by William Dalrymple. He knows the places intimately, his language is superb, and his friends, acquanitances and collaborators seem to be from all walks of society. Also, I recommend the The Brain Fever Bird, by I. Allan Sealy for impressionistic writing about the city. Unfortunately, something like Maximum City hasn’t been attempted for Delhi (to the best of my knowledge).
“Dr AmNonymous : please buy my book too when I write it though! :)”
Going by your comments, I would say you have a problem expressing yourself very well. Your thoughts are not coherent and you are not articluate. I don’t think I will ever buy a book written by you.
juhu, as someone who has spent extended amounts of time living in East Africa (and is visibly South Asian American), I find your analysis myopic and limited. You are not talking about Indians, you are talking about Ugandans. On one hand, there is the very real issue of how identity, migration, community relations, and multiculturalism pose challenges that can manifest in inter-community hatred, discrimination, etc. However, instead of exploring that in any nuanced way, you have defaulted on an argument that validates what can only be described as a gross human rights violation and policy of ethnic cleansing: “Indians [sic] are insular. They hate Africans. They don’t integrate, and that’s why Idi Amin [was justified when he] kicked them out.” You are essentially arguing that people maintain a racial or national identity, regardless of years of settlement or habitation in another country, and that they should “stick to their kind.” These concepts of communalism and exclusion underlie some of the worst acts of violence we’ve seen over the last 50 years, including within “indigenous” (for lack of a better term) East African countries.
Check this review out in Livemint
MFA: You are so damn adorable I can’t stand it. FxAdorability (Panda cub + Ducklings + Baby Orangutans + Kids engrossed in puppet show)< FxAdorability(MFA’s outrage over my Pomona schtick and protectiveness of baby bro).
64 · umber desi said
I’m definitely reading this book.
RahulD – the links you posted were interesting. Having lived in Taiwan for a year, I also heard quite a lot of obsessing over big eyes and the “right” romanesque nose – and I’ve read that these surgeries are very popular.
juhu aka PG, I commend you on being the anti MJ, and turning yourself from white to black. Obama be damned, you are truly post racial.
65 · louiecypher said
I’d apologize for my extreme cuteness and the adrenaline rushes it produces, but I’m Muslim.
43 · Kev said
look, it is one thing to not like her book, or mock it – that’s fair game, but there is no need to make this personal and insulting her by calling her “self-indulgent”, “parasitic”, and “adding no value to India or society”. What have you ever done that absolves you of these accusations? And even if you have done something, why do you feel the need to abuse Anita?
Desi Londoner, can you hook me up? Towards my last couple of years in India I was dying to meet a single, living alone dynamic male in Delhi to do the Farmhouse thing, but alas, could not.
And I’m thrilled I was qouted above in the interview with Ms. Jain!
Where were all my spotters then?
LOL.
Love ya SM!
PS;
Just saw comment # 67 and I’m not Juhu. In fact, about half of the comments attributed to me on SM are not from me.
But granted, the other half are.
OK, not let me go read Juhu’s comment and see if it even reflects remotely my ideals and style….
Just read Juhu’s comments. Nope, I rarely discuss politics and don’t recall ever making any comments ever on SM about Indians in Africa. Definetly not me, nor is it written in my inimitable style.
Also, PG sniffers, you got it wrong on the skin color thing as well. I would never make a comment pretending to be a black person who doesn’t “get” Indians’ obsession with fair skin because;
And the fact that I got qouted in the interview with Jain above as an “SM commenter”, prooves that you sniggers are slipping….
From, The Real Slim Shady
Oops. I meant to write, “sniffers” as in PG sniffers.
How apropo though. LOL.
It’s all good.
Alright, sorry for the one-after-the-other comments but what I usually do is read the post, scroll down to the last couple of comments and then comment myself, then go back and read the rest of the comments from the top down, hence the one-after-the-other.
Umber Desi, as far as nightlife, and alternative “scenes” in Delhi and Mumbai, what about alternative outdoor stuff for people who are not into clubbing, drinking, etc, but like to do things outside with nature or just sit alone and enjoy beautiful scenery.
I know that Delhi has some really nice parks and I’ve been to a few but seem to always get bothered there.
Is Mumbai better/safer in that regard?
Are there old men hiding behind trees in Mumbai parks waiting to get a glimpse of young lovers smooching as well?
Back to Delhi – are there “open mic nights” or “poetry nights” there? Does meetup.com have a presence there? What about a “new age” scene?
I think there are options in Panvel, Pune, Nashik and Karjat for outdoor stuff all of which are not too far from Bombay but I may be wrong. Bombay is definitely safer than Delhi in all regards, as for old men hiding behind trees, I guess they are everywhere and not just Delhi. I think the habitat center and if I remember the name correct kamini auditorium in Delhi may do some such stuff but again I will have to ask around as I am not sure about the specifics. In Bombay I would check Prithvi and NCPA and there is a new place called Blue Frog that has live music and features some really talented upcoming acts.
Thanks UD. I’ll check these out on my next trip.
I’ve been to Pune and liked the big tropical part in the middle of the city created by Osho’s disciples. I also liked the Osho center there, very natural, clean and well done.
I heard his disciples converted an old garbage dump into that beautiful park that enhances and oxygenizes the city today. Pune residents are grateful for that. Appearantly their own city gov or municipality would not have done such a thing, according to what I’ve heard.
I actually am starting to look forward to my next trip to India, having heard that things are changing and consciousness is expanding there.
Now if only I could find that single, living alone artist type guy…..
Many of them hang out at the prithvi cafe by prithvi theater in Bombay so it might be worth a trip to Juhu 🙂
70 · you-know-who…. said
I’m sorry you were disappointed, but even Indian farm animals are insular, close-minded, and casteist. They only like to have, uh, relations among their kind.
75 · you-know-who said
Delhi has plenty of obvious options which should be plainly visible to anyone with eyes and an open mind (oh wait…). So many forts, museums, parks, and old neighborhoods. Lodi Gardens, Humayun’s Tomb, Sultanpur, the alleyways of Chandni Chowk if you are in the mood for some down-home cuisine, walking around India Gate, Lutyens Delhi, Tughlaqabad, the ruins in Hauz Khas, Purana Qila, India Habitat Center, Triveni…and for short trips so many places in Rajasthan and UP are quite accessible.
Too bad you’re so busy hooking up with chauvinist desi males. Never mind, you at least relish regaling us with (tall) tales of those misadventures.
81 · DesiInNJ said
C’mon man! Show some basic decency! SM Interns, how can you let this kind of nonsense pass? This is misogyny at its finest.
83 · DesiInNJ said
where does abd or otherwise enter into it? the slut-playa dichotomy lives on, i see.
The Commander seemed more interested in the tantric cumcumber disappearing trick than the materialization of lymph node Swiss time pieces.
Damn..pls disregard the above. Meant to post on the thread about that fraudulent baba in ATL
85 · DesiInNJ said
as i said, slut-playa.
Camille:
I never said idi amin was justified! I was trying to explain where Idi amins actions came from. They didn’t come out of nowhere and actually, that may have been one of his only “policy” oriented moves that enjoyed popular support.
And no, Amitabh, africans don’t just want to sleep with Indian women (we already know that you guys aren’t allowed to date or have sex before marriage) and we also know about your strict arranged marriage culture. We have plenty of sexual fun amongst ourselves (freely and openly). And African women for sure do not want to sleep with Indian men. In fact, if I ever saw two young indians kissing on the streets of Nairobi, I’d be stunned.
Why are SM readers so getting worked up with Anita Jain’s writings ? It is nothing but mental masturbation and book selling strategies masquerading as social commentary and camouflaged by groom hunting excercise 🙂 But since it is fiction I would pardon her.
Since most SM readers I suppose are looking for broadminded spouses ? Can anybody please define it for me ? Reading the post and comments above it appears broadminded= smoking, drinking, promiscuosity, pre-marital sexual history, independent, strong, vocal ,swinging, forward thinking, liberal and what ?
All these fiction induced fantasies is good for dating. For marriage, first go and establish a career in the same place and then we can discuss about fantasies.
I think Juhu may be Prema. It looks like he/she/it may have evolved beyond calling people “delusional” to a more advanced form of trollery
91 · louiecypher said
I am new reader and new commentator to this blog. I found it by googling the name: Anita jain. No trollery here.
That hurts my feelings! And it makes me wonder what it is that would lead you to write something like this to a total stranger. Anyway, There ain’t no party like my nana’s tea party 😉
I’ve heard this numerous times about Dalrymple but have always resisted for usual reasons of bias (his reporting from Pakistan for Tehelka was excellent though). I really enjoyed Khushwant Singh’s book even if it is dated and by the accounts of some I talked to, skewed. Living in the city and reading a perspective from 20 years ago that goes alongside historical fiction was a trip. But I’m sure the best writing on Delhi is in Hindi. For those stuck to English, I personally enjoyed the Intach Guide for its rhetorical flourishes 🙂 I’ll check out the Sealy – when was it written? There’s an essay by Emma Tarlo, an anthropologist, about forced evictions and sterilizations during the Emergency that I’m in the middle of reading which is a bit hard to read because it’s very anthro self-reflexive but if you want to get a sense of what the inside of a government records office is like and how people have to go about doing things, it’s a good start.
Honestly, do your research and think very hard before you go to live in Delhi as an ABD. I was only living there a short while (less than a year), I have to say although it’s a nice place to visit, it’s a terrible place to live as an ABD. And think especially hard if you’re a woman (which I’m not, which means talk to other women).
Exceptions to the above are if you are male and one or more of the following: a) an architecture / history enthusiast; b) a bureaucrat; c) enjoy 6 months of blistering heat; d) interesting in social change / analysis / relations; e) a journalist needing a base near the government; f) like malls A LOT.
Of course the counterpoint is that the city changes so rapidly that you might as well take in what’s there before they destroy it all. In their desire to turn it into a “world-class city”, they’re pretty much f@#king it up – like building a mall in front of Jamma Masjid and turning Gurgaon into a 21st century dystopia (can’t wait for those food riots). Fiddle, Manmohan, burns.
It is an interesting place though 🙂 Buy my book, sunshine!!!!
exciting as the moderation asking us not to name charlatans or the objects of their two-bit magic tricks on the other thread is, it would be really nice if somebody put a lid on the sexist and, now, disgustingly racist (a la bill bennett) comments on this thread.
it is truly getting quite ugly in here…
because you’re being a misogynyst ass when you think things like this, which is not really in your interests, much less anyone elses. it’s probably worthwhile to think really hard about why you would think something like this and what impact it has on your relationships, particularly with women you actually care about or may one day care about.
Did the idiot truck explode nearby? From what depths of the soul do these thoughts come from?
One person’s derogatory comments do not merit or justify racist comments towards yet another community. Please get yourself under control — your statement is absolutely disgusting.