Another Desi couple has a story about their courtship and wedding in the New York Times’ “Weddings and Celebrations” section. Congratulations to Dr. Anu Lala and Dr. Arvind Trindade:
The Desi weddings they are interested in are usually the ones that have a hint of drama. In this case, the groom is a Goan Christian, while the bride is a Hindu from a devout family:
Briefly, she had thought that Dr. Trindade, whose family is from the state of Goa in India, a former Portugese colony, might be the “Hindu dude†she had always imagined marrying. “We liked each other from the get-go,†she said. “We clicked. But when I found out he was not Hindu, but in fact Christian, I thought, ‘Well, it’s over.’ â€
Dr. Lala, who often adds quotes from her favorite Hindu philosophers and poets at the bottom of her e-mail messages, said she feared that her parents would disapprove and she did not want to disappoint them.
“Anu is full of life, a great sense of humor, very versatile and duty-conscious,†said Harish Alwani, a cousin of Dr. Lala’s. “She’s a family person. Her parents are her world.†(link)
They had some challenges along the way, but in the end their respective parents came around and supported them. The reporter gets a little extra-gushy when describing the actual wedding ceremony at Tavern on the Green in Central Park (great choice of venue, I must say):
On July 19, the couple were married in front of 150 guests in Central Park at Tavern on the Green in a ceremony that combined Christian and Hindu traditions. Everything in the room — from the crystal chandeliers, to the embroidered purses and shoes — glittered and sparkled like the eyes of people in love. The bride was carried into the room on an ornate sedan chair, seated serenely on a pillow, wearing a red sari and bangles.
The event began with a Christian ceremony, with the Rev. David J. Robb, a minister of the United Church of Christ, officiating.
Then the couple sat down cross-legged with Bhawani Mukherjee, who began the Hindu part of the wedding by building a small fire and chanting prayers as the couple threw flower petals and rice into the flames.
At one point, the couple stood and walked on seven fabric lily pads arranged on the floor, hopping from pad to pad as if they were crossing a pond together and reciting one vow per pad.(link)
(That last detail about the lily pads might be just a little too cute, isn’t it?)
It’s wedding season, and I imagine some readers have probably been going from place to place, watching friends and family tie the knot. Does anyone have any interesting wedding stories from the summer to share, including — but not limited to — inventive cross-cultural/cross-religious arrangements?
(One caution: while Trindade & Lala openly agreed to publicize their romance, we don’t want to invade anybody’s privacy, so please try and make sure it’s safe to share your story publicly. Thanks.)
97 · A N N A
None of us, not even HMF, is all-knowing. Did it ever occur to some of you that two people of faith might have THAT in common, even if it isn’t the same faith?
well said, A N N A
97 · A N N A said
I’m not questioning your relationship nor your faith; my statement was referring to the Jews, Christians, and Muslims who would shudder at the thought of marrying someone who worships graven images, and conversely, those Hindus who have a narrow pool to pick partners from based on a myriad of reasons. I’m personally not religious and don’t care who marries whom, but you must acknowledge that there are plenty of those who practice the said religions to a point that they would go out of their way to avoid inter religious marriage.
102 · Johnny Valker said
nobody disagrees with that sentiment. hmf seems to believe that the only acceptable way to follow a religion is if you have this cramped, almost fanatical, interpretation, though, which is what people are objecting to.
None of us, not even HMF, is all-knowing. Did it ever occur to some of you that two people of faith might have THAT in common, even if it isn’t the same faith?
Marriage is a whole new ballgame as far as religion is involved, because as religious activities are more often than not done with family.
Now, you’re absolutey correct anna, I’ve never admitted not understanding something.
hmf seems to believe that the only acceptable way to follow a religion is if you have this cramped, almost fanatical, interpretation, though, which is what people are objecting to.
Whoa another assumption ? no I seem to believe what I said. that if each partner is connected to their specific religious practices, then a martial union will indeed be difficult. Not underlying principles, but if a muslim wants to go to the mosque and the christian wants to go to the church, then yes a martial union will be difficult.
Basically all arguments are useless. Has anyone ever been argued into a different opinion? I know I havent.
why have a legal system then? why have a discussion board for that matter?
And I have been argued into a diff opinion, I used to be a UT: believe in all that America the beautiful, pull yourself up by the boot straps, hard work, family values bs.
I thought the phrase ‘uncle tom’ was not allowed on this site? HMF frequently uses the abbreviation ‘UT’ and it seems to always fly under the radar.
HMF really took Vijay Prashad’s “scholarship” to heart it seems.
damn my no frill culture.:(
104 · HMF said
alas, therein lies the rub, dear hmf. maybe you should shed your view of marriage as a war between the sexes, and you won’t have to be the pathetic object of pity that you have become even for characters like suki.
Lots of great/interesting discussion on this post.
Whenever I read a story on here related to culture/ideology, I always brace myself to read a couple of backwards North vs South Indian bullsh!t, racism, but I’m glad for the most part those trolls have left SM.
In regards to the issue of expensive weddings, why not? I mean, if thats what a couple thinks their money should be spent on, then more power to them.
I have never complained when I’m at a super, over-the-top wedding. The food’s always been ace, and the booze free flowing. 😀
32 · JOAT said
which is why there is a thriving kind of journalism, both print and online, dedicated to identifying and mercilessly mocking rich peoples’ fashion/lifestyle choices (including large cheezy weddings). And yes, I do in fact (thanks to our fabulous constitution) have the right to call any given wedding over-the-top (when you involve sentimental elder generation, besotted current generation and legions of consultants/florists/caterers who make a living by dealing with these emotionally charged folks, there is certainly a healthy chance of wretched excess cropping up in some arrangement).
RINOs are much more common in my generation but, IRL, I really haven’t come across a hindu-christian union where the choice of ceremony was mutually exclusive. I’d think difficulties would be greatest in union of two people who think that their approach is “THE ONLY WAY.” (but that seems to be the least likeliest pairing)
106 · Amitabh said
Like his comments indicate, HMF has long been enrolled into a baroque entitlement system designed to redistribute commenting privileges into his commenter class.
thought the phrase ‘uncle tom’ was not allowed on this site? HMF frequently uses the abbreviation ‘UT’ and it seems to always fly under the radar.
For the record, I was the first one to hurl the ‘UT’ epithet on SM in 04! (throws out arm patting himself on back)At that time, UT was the Wild West of desi blogs. I think we need a SM historian here.
i am surrounded by several cross-religious couples who’re extremely happy together. i don’t think it is impossible to have a successful relationship even if you both believe in different things but i have to agree that it would certainly be more difficult if both the people practiced super enthusiastically (i.e. one prayed 5 times a day and the other visited the temple every day). i don’t believe in anything but my husband is a muslim (or he was when we got started dating…i think i’ve succeeded in bringing him to the dark side!). we never discuss religion or god except philosophically, and even then, it comes up only when we’re sitting amongst others. most of the time, we’re too busy living our lives to give a shit about whether god exists or not and who his right hand man is.
as for the amount spent on weddings, i personally believe that it’s a waste of money and tried to have the simplest wedding possible (although it was still too over the top for my taste). i don’t think it’s the woman’s wish (how sexist and presumptuous!). in my case, it was my dad who wanted to invite all his friends and family to celebrate with him and also because he had been attending their kids’ weddings for the last 30 years. it’s a vicious circle. however, i wouldn’t begrudge anyone the right to spend their money the way they want to. who gives a shit?
that said, i do find it extremely disturbing when i hear about people who’ve always dreamed about the wedding day and their excitement for that almost overtakes their desire for their partner or marriage itself.
8 · Wedplan said
i’m sorry but i can’t believe anyone would think that it’s a good thing to be pressured into staying in a marriage because you invited a 1000 people to witness it, spent a million or because of what would aunty and uncle say?! if your marriage has a better chance of working based on who the witnesses were, whether it was elvis the priest or your entire extended family, what the hell are you doing together in the first place?
Another one of those lowely veddings where you basically hope the groom and bride get the runs on the wedding night or a honking big zit on their noses.
I know a couple (he’s Muslim, she’s Hindu) who had two ceremonies when they married — one for each religion. I wasn’t there, but I think to this day certain family members only know about one.
I also went to a lovely Hin-Jew wedding (bride Hindu, groom Jewish) — they had both Hindu and Jewish ceremonies beneath a canopy doubling as a mandap/chuppah, first with a Hindu priest and then with a rabbi. The groom’s family acted as if they were at a funeral, unfortunately, but the little old rabbi clearly had a crush on the bride (“And you, “Jim,” do you take this beautiful woman . . .”). Really cute.
apsara77, congrats to you and your partner. I wish you the best. 🙂 My partner and I hope that some day we’ll have enough to throw a big party for everyone to come celebrate our union.
He’s not Muslim….he comes from a Muslim background. You have to practice Islam to be a Muslim. There are no Hindu-Muslim weddings, either the Hindu is arriving newly converted to Islam or the “Muslim” is not really Muslim (i.e. agnostic/atheist or “spiritual but not religious”)and is trying to placate his/her side of the family
where does that leave dharam-ji
🙂 I think you’re being too rigorous in your definition old man. when mian-bibi/mian-mian/bibi-bibi are raazi, the gods (as opposed to the peeps) dont care.
I am not…I am an agnostic/pantheist on good days and don’t understand why religion should get in the way of a good thing. I am just accurately depicting the “rules” as other people observe them. People can self identify however they want, but if 90% of their coreligionists reject them then I have to wonder about their membership. Asra Nomani identifies as Muslim but I bet 90% of other Muslims would reject her if they read her book on tantra
You may be right – I could be misspeaking (mis-typing?), but I also wouldn’t presume to tell someone else what they are or are not, especially when it comes to religion (even though there are a lot of self-proclaimed Christians who I don’t think follow the teachings of Christ). Telling someone else, “You’re not a REAL [fill in the blank]!” sticks in my craw.
Theres some cable show about super-sized-over-the-top-lavish weddings and naturally a few rich desis were showcased on that as well.
One was marrying a non-desi groom too!
My experience has seen that while inter-racial relationships can work out, inter-religious and inter-cultural ones have serious issues if the people involved are heavily into their religions and/or cultures.
The point about graven images is a good one. Some very strict Abrahamic religious wallas are totally against that and will not allow it in their homes.
Personally, after the inter-cultural, inter-religious fiasco that was my last relationship, I will not go down that road again. I want someone who is on the same page as me regarding the most important aspect of my life and with whom I can share my deepest feelings.
I agree. In India’s case it is mostly the parents and especially the in-law’s (groom’s parents) that want a maha-shaadi in order to show off and to extract huge amounts from the bride’s family.
oh yea. what’s your shoe size dear?
I think HMF should stfu but it’s pretty obvious that inter-religious marriages are unlikely to happen if the religions aren’t compatible,
I’m glad you’re able to agree with me but still tell me to stfu.
I thought the phrase ‘uncle tom’ was not allowed on this site? HMF frequently uses the abbreviation ‘UT’ and it seems to always fly under the radar.
Why dont you relax officer, I was using it to refer to myself. or my past-self, more accurately.
i know a husband who likes shrikhand and a wife who likes jalebis. they argued until she dipped her jalebi into his shrikhand and found nirvana
95 · ShallowThinker said
I disagree.
Just read the article. I think Anu was lucky Arvind chose to stay around as long as he did given Anu’s prolonged ‘soul searching’. If he was a white dude he would have been history. Its inspiring actually.
128 · Manju said
errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrah 😉 haha
I go barefoot most of the time. Otherwise it’s flip-flops and other cheap plastic shoes on sale at CVS for me. 7 or 8.
He’s not Muslim….he comes from a Muslim background. You have to practice Islam to be a Muslim. There are no Hindu-Muslim weddings, either the Hindu is arriving newly converted to Islam or the “Muslim” is not really Muslim (i.e. agnostic/atheist or “spiritual but not religious”)and is trying to placate his/her side of the family.
Muslim men can marry people of the book (Jews, Christians) though they are not allowed to marry polytheists. However, I know two Muslim guys married to Hindus. One dude is from Pakistan and the other is from India. I also know a guy from Saudi Arabia who is married to a Japanese women and she practices some form of Shinto. In fact in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia there is a group of Saudi men who are all married to Japanese women.
but if 90% of their coreligionists reject them then I have to wonder about their membership.
I dont think thats true for men at all. Muslim men do marry regularly outside the faith. The above mentioned Muslim men are pretty well accepted in the Muslim community. In fact I met the Indo/Pak guys last weekend at a gathering of mostly Muslims. Also I know of at least more than 20 Arab-Paki men who are married to non-Muslims. Go to any Arab owned gas station and at least one of the Arabs there would be married to a Non-Muslim for green card and from what I can tell they are pretty well accepted in the community.
Anna,
Your comment about dating Hindu boys caught my attention.
Are you dating Hindu boys due to a lack of Christian boys of a specific ethnicity? Don’t your parents object? What about the other side?
I am myself a Hindu engaged to a Pakistani-American Muslim girl. So with all the stuff we are going through its surprising to me that you tend to date Hindu boys and basically seeking out whatever difficulties that arise from a inter-religious relationship.
And when I say married for green card, I dont mean a sham marriage. Most of these people are legitimately married with children etc. I should mention that I dont have any concrete evidence that these men married for green cards only. Under Immigration Laws, you should be married for love (the arranged marriages could one day be challenged by a smart government attorney!)I am just sceptical that all these illegal Arab-Paki men immediately fall in love with White American women (never black) and marry them.
I am myself a Hindu engaged to a Pakistani-American Muslim girl.
Dont go to Pakistan.
if you thought a discussion went south when the first comment (and, of course, every tenth – at least – since) is by hmf, you know it has really jumped the shark when PG jumps into the fray.
4 · HMF said Who gives a F*ck about expectation, be your own human being, make your decisions and tell everyone else to take a long walk off a short plank. Stand your ground.
So pretty much, people should also not care about what you think about big weddings if, well, they want a big wedding. Lots of people want big weddings, but by saying that others’ views are irrelevant when it comes to deciding these things, you have to admit that so, too, is yours.
I think is, to some extent, a strong foundation for a relationship with people of different backgrounds (religious, ethnic etc) – I’d rather be with somebody who understands the value of ethnic culture (my personal priority) as a concept, even if they happen to belong to another culture. To me, it signals that they might be able to far better understand the need for and importance of culture in my life than someone who is of the same ethnic background, but participated in the culture to a far lesser extent.
Do good muslim boys go south?
137 · rajesh said
What was your tipoff? I didn’t know “Shaadi Karo !” was PG until this last post where she asks if Muslim boys “reciprocate”.
Speaking of shared values, from the NYT article…
I always thought medical residents always preferred the linen closet.
I have to say the rest of that article was diabetically cloying, though. I guess, in the post veiled conceit world we live in, the Times has to parody its own wedding columns.
Do these couples pay to get written up? The strangest one was the desi dude who claimed to be the son of a Dalit couple suffering from leprousy to get into Princeton…I believe SM blogged it. Why would that dude pay for the “honor”?
75 · HMF said
HMF, it is time you tried swinging your bat the other way.
74 · apsara77 said
California. And hopefully, massachusetts, soon (if you don’t live there currently.)
Dont go to Pakistan. <<
Umm obv I won’t shout from the rooftops that I stole ‘their’ good Muslim girl when I visit Pakistan. But other than that not expecting much trouble or hostility.
Are you Pakistani?
I will break a coconut for you my Tamil bro. Also come up with a good cover story, say you are Hyderbadi (if you are black skinned like me) by way of Canada just in case things get weird
Lol thank you, everything helps. I am planning to go with a Pakistani guy whose family is connected to the Pak. Army. Plus I’ve been told that I can pass for a Pakistani…Lets see…Regardless, it should be an interesting place to visit.
Ak,
you’re almost correct. with one caveat. (beautiful lawyer trick by the way).
This is very similar to the “what? you think whites can only be racist. then you are yourself racist” argument – but hold on, in the first portion of the statement, I am defining my usage of the term racist, as something requiring institutional power, etc.. etc.. so one cannot say the statement which I use to define the term is itself an application of the term. get it?
The parallel is as follows:
Yes, if people want to have big weddings they should be free to disregard my opinion and “stand their ground.” Except for one case, (and I argue, this is the majority) when they are making that decision BASED on meeting someone else’s expectations, then they cannot ignore my advice to “not meet expectations” because my advice (or expectation) directly contradicts their rationale, namely: meeting other’s expectations.
If ignoring my advice/expectation (in effect, following my rule, as you state) results in a transgression of that very same rule (ie. they have a big wedding to meet other’s expectations) then it’s not a sound logical argument to say my advice is “equally ignorable” as the “advice” received to have the big wedding in the first place.
Sit on that a li’l bit.
You got to love the Suki.
Its good to be loved!!!!!!
I hate most of my extended family with a passion
So do I.
Are you Pakistani?
No.