Another Desi couple has a story about their courtship and wedding in the New York Times’ “Weddings and Celebrations” section. Congratulations to Dr. Anu Lala and Dr. Arvind Trindade:
The Desi weddings they are interested in are usually the ones that have a hint of drama. In this case, the groom is a Goan Christian, while the bride is a Hindu from a devout family:
Briefly, she had thought that Dr. Trindade, whose family is from the state of Goa in India, a former Portugese colony, might be the “Hindu dude†she had always imagined marrying. “We liked each other from the get-go,†she said. “We clicked. But when I found out he was not Hindu, but in fact Christian, I thought, ‘Well, it’s over.’ â€
Dr. Lala, who often adds quotes from her favorite Hindu philosophers and poets at the bottom of her e-mail messages, said she feared that her parents would disapprove and she did not want to disappoint them.
“Anu is full of life, a great sense of humor, very versatile and duty-conscious,†said Harish Alwani, a cousin of Dr. Lala’s. “She’s a family person. Her parents are her world.†(link)
They had some challenges along the way, but in the end their respective parents came around and supported them. The reporter gets a little extra-gushy when describing the actual wedding ceremony at Tavern on the Green in Central Park (great choice of venue, I must say):
On July 19, the couple were married in front of 150 guests in Central Park at Tavern on the Green in a ceremony that combined Christian and Hindu traditions. Everything in the room — from the crystal chandeliers, to the embroidered purses and shoes — glittered and sparkled like the eyes of people in love. The bride was carried into the room on an ornate sedan chair, seated serenely on a pillow, wearing a red sari and bangles.
The event began with a Christian ceremony, with the Rev. David J. Robb, a minister of the United Church of Christ, officiating.
Then the couple sat down cross-legged with Bhawani Mukherjee, who began the Hindu part of the wedding by building a small fire and chanting prayers as the couple threw flower petals and rice into the flames.
At one point, the couple stood and walked on seven fabric lily pads arranged on the floor, hopping from pad to pad as if they were crossing a pond together and reciting one vow per pad.(link)
(That last detail about the lily pads might be just a little too cute, isn’t it?)
It’s wedding season, and I imagine some readers have probably been going from place to place, watching friends and family tie the knot. Does anyone have any interesting wedding stories from the summer to share, including — but not limited to — inventive cross-cultural/cross-religious arrangements?
(One caution: while Trindade & Lala openly agreed to publicize their romance, we don’t want to invade anybody’s privacy, so please try and make sure it’s safe to share your story publicly. Thanks.)
and you won’t have to be the pathetic object of pity that you have become even for characters like suki.
Now that’s bad when you become the object of pity from someone like Suki…. very sad!!!!!!!!
And I have been argued into a diff opinion, I used to be a UT: believe in all that America the beautiful, pull yourself up by the boot straps, hard work, family values bs.
How dare you HMF, ever call youself an Uncle Tom. You have and you never will be an uncle tom, and it is a slap in the face to real Uncle Toms like me, who worked for years and years to have the honor and privilege of being an Uncle Tom.
Uh oh… I sense Prema/Vyasa/Kaka is about to attack…
Suki (#152)…Awesome…
Uh oh… I sense Prema/Vyasa/Kaka is about to attack…
He/she should not. Most North Indians and Pakistanis look very similar and very difficult to tell them apart by just looking at them.
151 · Suki Dillon said
i agree!
How dare you HMF, ever call youself an Uncle Tom.
Believe it or not. it was true.
I guess that makes me an Aunt Tomika then.
Weddings are passe anyway. Everyone just lives together these days, don’t they?
Well, new age reverends still do beach side weddings where the couple writes their own vows and stands hand in hand barfoot on the sands.
That works well.
147 · HMF said
s
pat on this a little bit. maybe you are humpty dumpty, but when most people say “expectations”, they mean majority expectations, not one person. contrary to what your parents might have led you to believe – i only go by your sense of aggrievement because the world is not organized according to what you believe is your due – you, and your expectations, don’t amount to a hill of beans.i only go by your sense of aggrievement because the world is not organized according to what you believe is your due – you, and your expectations, don’t amount to a hill of beans.
You completely missed the point. Ak, in this statement:
“So pretty much, people should also not care about what you think about big weddings if, well, they want a big wedding. Lots of people want big weddings, but by saying that others’ views are irrelevant when it comes to deciding these things, you have to admit that so, too, is yours.”
is basically saying that my statements DO amount to a hill of beans (in her thought experiment anyway), but trying to flip it and say because they do, then my advice can be ignored. which is logically unsound (in the case where the following of my advice results in a complete transgression of it, as I explained, and you’ve completely missed)
well, to go back to the original topic of inter-marriages… i commented once before about this on a inter-racial dating post that came a while back. i’m excited to say that as of three weeks ago, my japanese boyfriend is now my japanese husband! we had a traditional hindu (abridged) ceremony with a mandap, etc. etc. his family flew in from japan and participated – even though they don’t speak english and def. don’t understand sanskrit.
outside of the ceremony, our wedding was fairly atypical. we had a capoeira performance since we met in class and it is a big part of our life. it was a down to earth, smallish wedding. interesting note – we had about 60 people at the wedding, which is so small for an indian wedding. when i was in japan and told his friends we were having 60 people at the wedding – they were like, “oh it’s huge!” apparently, for the actual ceremony, it’s usually only like 10 people or something. it’s all a matter of what you’re used to and perspective.
i also used to be one of those people who didn’t understand why someone would spend so much money on just one day. i thought they were being crazy. BUT, if you want to host a party of any kind, let alone a wedding, in a relatively nice place, it costs major amounts of money. that’s the reality we had to face when planning for the wedding.
159 · HMF said
To you. Not to those who want to have ostentatious weddings. That was her point. Which you completely missed.
To you. Not to those who want to have ostentatious weddings. That was her point. Which you completely missed.
Uhh no…
She was applying my advice (to disregard other’s expectations) as a general truism, her statement:
“Lots of people want big weddings, but by saying that others’ views are irrelevant when it comes to deciding these things”
furthermore, by saying the disregard of others views should be taken across the board, then my opinions regarding big, large, extravagant weddings can equally be ignored by those parties who indulge in these monstrosities. And I agreed, yes, my opinions should be disregarded, but that’s assuming they aren’t indulging in the monstrosities to please others (or match others expectations in the first place – which I argue is the majority, otherwise, the following of my “rule” would by definition be a transgression of it, and make it logically unsound)
Seriously, how many ways can I state this?
Somewhat impressive effort, but your caveat is not so absolute. They could ignore your advice/opinion if you’re not part of the target audience whose expectations they are trying to meet. It could also be that a wedding based on somebody else’s expectations is not based on everybody else’s expectations – e.g. if they are doing it for some particular member of their, or to equal other weddings within their community that were of a certain quality – you could fall outside of these groups that are considered, making it such that, logically, they could still consider certain expectations without necessarily considering yours. Plus, I still don’t think that anybody has to justify their reasons to anybody else re big weddings unless they want to – and they could want to justify it to some, but not to all. Bottom line : people having big weddings to meet certain expectations doesn’t mean that they still have to consider your hating words. Re not spending big on money – it’s an opinion you have and I respect that (I even agree with it to a great deal) but people could just as easily poo-poo you for not spending money on your wedding if/when your wedding comes (came?). And since you’ve judged them, it would be inaccurate to fault them for judging you. So maybe you can state your opinion without being so hateful about it?
eaxctly. thanks, rajesh 😉
Ak, you say:
They could ignore your advice/opinion if you’re not part of the target audience whose expectations they are trying to meet
but that’s not the implication of your earlier statement:
So pretty much, people should also not care about what you think about big weddings if, well, they want a big wedding
You’re basing their lack of caring on my assertion that one shouldn’t care about other’s thoughs.
you could fall outside of these groups that are considered, making it such that, logically, they could still consider certain expectations without necessarily considering yours.
But that wasn’t my supposition, I stated categorically that no ones expectations should be considered.
Re not spending big on money – it’s an opinion you have and I respect that (I even agree with it to a great deal) but people could just as easily poo-poo you for not spending money on your wedding if/when your wedding comes (came?). And since you’ve judged them, it would be inaccurate to fault them for judging you.
Who’s faulting them for judging me? Assuming they are. The point is, you used their following of my rule (which was absolute in nature) to prove why my opinions spending large amounts of $$ should be disregarded, which I argued is a transgression of that very rule.
hmf meets logic. and english.
Yes, but just because you WANT them to consider your expectations if they consider anybody elses’s expectation, doesn’t mean that they have to. And it also doesn’t mean that it’s illogical. I see that you interpreted my statements differently, but I really do think that people have no reason to care about your particular opinion, regardless of whether they do or do not care about the opinions of others.
Ok, so you’re saying that my statement shouldn’t be taken as a truism. then on what basis should they disregard my opinions regarding spending largely on weddings? obviously not a principle of “stand your ground, and disregard other people’s expectations”
Yes, but just because you WANT them to consider your expectations if they consider anybody elses’s expectation, doesn’t mean that they have to.
Well yes, it’s this little thing called consistency. and its the converse statement Im making, Im saying if they disregard my opinions of money expenditure on weddings, they should disregard other’s expectations as well (which I argue they are not – because I believe they are spending so much to meet other’s expectations)
168 · HMF said
darling, they can be fully consistent in having some people’s expectations matter to them, and still treat some others’ with the respect due to the ravings of the loon on the street corner. unless…
but I really do think that people have no reason to care about your particular opinion, regardless of whether they do or do not care about the opinions of others.
Thats not what you were implying before, you were implying that given they DO adhere to my general statement of “disgregard other’s opinions” they are equally able to say to me, “i dont care what you think, Im going to spend lots of money if I want to”
Desis need to start shacking up like the rest of us and this argument would be dead before it was born.
and still treat some others’ with the respect due to the ravings of the loon on the street corner.
Right, but they couldn’t state their actions are rooted in adherence that conforms to “stand your ground, and disregard other’s expectations” which is what Ak implied.
And if that’s not what you implied, then you’re basically saying what everyone else has been saying, and what I agreed to:
that people have the right to do what they want, and I have a right to have an opinion and judgement of that behavior (and likewise they to me, in judging my opinions) I never disputed any of that.
To sum up: Howard Roark would clearly agree with HMF on this one. Vijay Prassad would scold him for UT thinking, ie embracing Western individualism of Indian community standards. Dinesh D’Souza would blame him for creating Islamic terrorism while Noam Chomsky takes the opposite position, that the gratuitous display of wealth creates the resentment necessary for breeding terrorism.
Meanwhile, the real problem–lack of strawberry shrikahnd—remains unresolved.
“Meanwhile, the real problem–lack of strawberry shrikahnd—remains unresolved”.
tried to make some today, 64% quality rating
Sorry for sharing a downer, but… two friends of mine who’ve been together for 15 years became the first gay couple to marry in Sonoma County last month on the day such marriages became legal. It wasn’t a particularly inventive wedding — just your standard courthouse fare, but they were thrilled at being the first. Just over 5 weeks later one of those friends, aged 37, passed away in the middle of the afternoon at home for reasons that are still inconclusive. It is a wedding/marriage/bereavement story that will truly break my heart for the rest of my life.
Otherwise… I’m waiting for stories about a semi-traditional same-sex desi wedding somewhere out there from Massachusetts or California. Now that would cheer me up a bit!
174 · Manju said
offshore drilling is the answer.