Another Desi couple has a story about their courtship and wedding in the New York Times’ “Weddings and Celebrations” section. Congratulations to Dr. Anu Lala and Dr. Arvind Trindade:
The Desi weddings they are interested in are usually the ones that have a hint of drama. In this case, the groom is a Goan Christian, while the bride is a Hindu from a devout family:
Briefly, she had thought that Dr. Trindade, whose family is from the state of Goa in India, a former Portugese colony, might be the “Hindu dude†she had always imagined marrying. “We liked each other from the get-go,†she said. “We clicked. But when I found out he was not Hindu, but in fact Christian, I thought, ‘Well, it’s over.’ â€
Dr. Lala, who often adds quotes from her favorite Hindu philosophers and poets at the bottom of her e-mail messages, said she feared that her parents would disapprove and she did not want to disappoint them.
“Anu is full of life, a great sense of humor, very versatile and duty-conscious,†said Harish Alwani, a cousin of Dr. Lala’s. “She’s a family person. Her parents are her world.†(link)
They had some challenges along the way, but in the end their respective parents came around and supported them. The reporter gets a little extra-gushy when describing the actual wedding ceremony at Tavern on the Green in Central Park (great choice of venue, I must say):
On July 19, the couple were married in front of 150 guests in Central Park at Tavern on the Green in a ceremony that combined Christian and Hindu traditions. Everything in the room — from the crystal chandeliers, to the embroidered purses and shoes — glittered and sparkled like the eyes of people in love. The bride was carried into the room on an ornate sedan chair, seated serenely on a pillow, wearing a red sari and bangles.
The event began with a Christian ceremony, with the Rev. David J. Robb, a minister of the United Church of Christ, officiating.
Then the couple sat down cross-legged with Bhawani Mukherjee, who began the Hindu part of the wedding by building a small fire and chanting prayers as the couple threw flower petals and rice into the flames.
At one point, the couple stood and walked on seven fabric lily pads arranged on the floor, hopping from pad to pad as if they were crossing a pond together and reciting one vow per pad.(link)
(That last detail about the lily pads might be just a little too cute, isn’t it?)
It’s wedding season, and I imagine some readers have probably been going from place to place, watching friends and family tie the knot. Does anyone have any interesting wedding stories from the summer to share, including — but not limited to — inventive cross-cultural/cross-religious arrangements?
(One caution: while Trindade & Lala openly agreed to publicize their romance, we don’t want to invade anybody’s privacy, so please try and make sure it’s safe to share your story publicly. Thanks.)
.for all of our sakes, ponder having what Padma is always having
Sorry, not grasping the subtext here.
Why are you posting a picture of the Method man of the Wu-Tang Clan.
Amardeep,
One small quibble. Why did you title it ‘Weddings: A Happy Ending’ when it is a Happy, Joyful and Celebratory Beginning?
51 · HMF said
I highly doubt that. But if I am assuming too much, here.
Seriously? The part of my text which was highlighted didn’t clue you in? If not, one day, when you’re not fighting with everyone, listen to “Bring the Pain” on Tical. I have a feeling you already have and you knew exactly what I was reffing, so I’ll stop engaging now. The Smithsonian awaits.
48 · DesiInNJ said
Your deductive capabilities and sound reasoning based on evidence bodes well for a career in US intelligence services. Ever consider doing weapons inspections for the CIA?
My mother is a registered nurse who has worked 112 hour weeks. My father has been a janitor, a machinist, a foundary worker, and he was a mail man when he got hurt on the job and switched to an office job. I got my first job when I was 14 years old. I am an anti-capitalist. I don’t think money is the best measure of a thing’s value. I don’t think you can put a price tag on any-and-everything. I think the economy is better served by spending on health, education, and infrastructure than the same old fake flowers and sheet cake you see at every wedding. I tend to believe that “money spent by one party” was unfairly taken from somebody else.
And come this December I will have an MFA.
Any other assumptions you want to lob my way?
You have to understand the concept and its place in the society behind big, expensive weddings. In India, it is redistribution of wealth. Dowry aside, all other expenses go as wealth trickling down legally to other stratas of the society in question. Often, prices are NOT inflated just for weddings for most commodities, they are just bought in huge amounts. The decorations, feast, ceremovies – all expenses.
Cannot really see much redistribution in the case of american desi wedding though. Buying the (pretty much) same made in china stuff from Nordstrom and using it in a wedding at 10X the price does nto really count as efficient redistribution, buy hey, something is better than nothing. It would enable the nordstorm sales guy to take his gf out on the next expensive date, so there 🙂
i do see harbeer’s point of view but i also think that desi weddings put money back into the community when one hires a desi caterer, dj, etc. i don’t think the desi weddings in the west are extravagant. the ones in india are too ridiculous with even 7 or 8 events when you just need a couple – mehndi night and the actual wedding. so we shouldn’t get too worked up. people generally spend what they can afford. i’ve been to weddings in a school hall or community centre and to ones in a fancy hotel. i went to one where the family cooked all the food even though they could afford caterers cos they wanted a more personal touch.
Seriously? The part of my text which was highlighted didn’t clue you in? If not, one day, when you’re not fighting with everyone, listen to “Bring the Pain” on Tical.
Is it real son, let me know it’s real son, something I can feel… Is that it? Are you saying my ‘keeping it real’ is too much ? I dunno, you’ve gotta spoonfeed me this one. It’s just a bit too cryptic.
And I don’t follow the padma lakshmi (which is who Im guessing you’re referring to) ref, I dont know enough about her other than she was with Mr. Rushdie, is hot and makes her money of being hot.., so because she’s hot, she needs to chill? or she has chilled? Sorry, I dont think you’d intended your witty comment to go completely cryptic like this, sorry.
52 · Wedplan said
This is too easy. Even easier than smashing DesiInNJ’s asinine assumptions.
She’s telling you to smoke pot and chill, dude. (see: recent Padma post) I think a lot of us are thinking the same thing.
Harbeer: And it’s this “ill gotten wealth” that makes the humanities & arts (which I love, just not the tude that comes with it) possible. From Neolothic agricultural surplus to the Medici’s to Haavad’s endowment it is economic striving that creates the excess off of which artists & free thinkers are freed from the shackles of practical concerns. This couple is not a bunch of celubtards, they are doctors who are going to do many good things for society. Why resent them for this special day?
She’s telling you to smoke pot and chill, dude.
Didnt read the PL post, and I don’t do drugs, nor do I have access to those that do. but again, I dont see what’s the difference in abrasiveness of my comments and say, this one.
54 · Harbeer said
Absolute hogwash, Russia would be proud. Economy is served well by employing people of all varities, not just nurses and teachers. While you can embrace your anti-capitalst stance, my family lost a fortune in the license raj and in the process hundreds of people were let go. So don’t expect me to feel sorry if your mom and dad worked long hours, atleast they have a job (thanks to pro-capitalists of the World).
Yikes. Anyway… what regionality is the bride featured in this story? Gujarati? Does anyone know if that is the typical Goan Catholic bridegroom dress/the typical dress for the Hindus of whichever region the bride is from?
I think it’s interesting how certain regional wedding/pre-wedding ceremonies are becoming pan-Indian now, e.g. here in Hyderabad many Telugu weddings now incorporate mehndi and sangeet which are traditionally a north Indian (mostly Punjabi, I believe) thing, men wear fancy pyjama kurtas as formal wear instead of the white cotton panchalu, etc. Incorporating other traditions (in the U.S., a lot of Indian weddings also now incorporate the ‘wedding rehearsal’ for family and close friends the night before) is fine, but the erosion of traditional regional customs (e.g. Telugu brides wear white saris with red border, not red ones) which has already started and will only inevitably continue, I think, makes me wistful.
I think it’s really unhelpful to label Harbeer’s stance as “anti-capitalist” as a means of writing him off. What I read in his comments (and if I’m wildly off-base, please do correct me, Harbeer) is that materialism for the sake of materialism is not inherently “good for the economy.” He’s not claiming that weddings have NO economic activity related to them; he’s pushing back on a blanket statement that weddings –> “good” economic activity. One argument is mechanism-based and the other is normative: Do weddings create economic activity in some sectors? Yes (this also assumes you’re not taking out debt to fund it, as HMF mentioned). Is a huge influx of excess and cash “good” for the economy? Who knows, it’s debatable. Pointing to alternate ways to spend money or redistribute wealth isn’t an inherently anti-capitalist (what does that even mean in this context?) statement. It’s anti-materialist.
Let’s not get into an argument over whose “hard knock” life was harder than the others, and let’s try to keep the conversation elevated instead of mired in the Communist/Capitalist dichotomy. Let’s at least get creative when we drum up Cold War tropes.
Wow, I just read the actual NYT announcement. Their love story is a Bollywood movie in the making… she transferred med schools to try to get over him, he asked her parents for her hand before he proposed, which he did on a rowboat in Central Park, etc. Who wants to claim the movie rights?
my desi community is quite small and weddings are the only time we can all meet, bond and catch up. we do have a couple of functions throughout the year but they’re not fun and have too much internal politics regarding forming associations and charities for helping disadvantaged members of our community in india. weddings are the only time we can enjoy ourselves wholeheartedly without all the internal politics and dinner party small talk about whose kid is going to which school. my community thrives on them.
62 · DesiInNJ said
I never asked for your sympathy, partner. My pride in my working-class anti-capitalist heritage has nothing to do with you–I just informed you of that because you are making baseless assumptions. Nor do I think my parents made the best choices by working so long and hard–they sacrificed their health and youth to help a bunch of ungrateful relatives and to keep up appearances with their peers at the gurudwara. I would have preferred they lived a simpler life and worked less.
Next month my sister who is punjabi sikh girl raised in small Western Canadian town is marrying a Sri Lankan tamil hindu who grow up in New York City.
The cool thing is both my parents and my future brother-in family are open minded and more western thinking then most desi’s so nobody is worried about the religous differences and other most backward thinking desi’s bitch, moan and cry about untill there blue in the face.
The sad thing is some girls like my sister and Dr. Lau don’t have understanding families and never get a chance to be with the person they want to be with.
HMF, have you have been with a women?
Suki, why do you ask?
Because you must be bitter for some reason, it’s obvious.
Because HMF, I’m worried about you and from your comments here, I can see that you have alot of issues that might not be good for you health. Also I may be wrong, but from what you write here, it seems like that you don’t have much luck with the other sex.
60 · louiecypher said
First off, I’m sure this bride and groom and awesome people and I wish them the best. None of my comments are directed at them in particular–I am speaking in generalizations, for the most part. I am commenting on macro-cultural trends (for lack of a better term).
Second, your statement applies only to “high” art–the stuff in museums, opera, ballet, etc. I imagine an ideal world where work and free time and “creativity” are distributed more evenly across the populace, where we all (metaphorically) gather around the fire at the end of the day and tell stories and sing songs and cook food and knit sweaters and make stuff to decorate our caves with or use in our rituals. [Please note my use of the words “ideal” and “metaphorically” before you start deriding me as a utopian nincompoop.]
All the time we spend isolated, watching commercials on tv and [gasp!] on the interwebs is time that we could be making art (or whatever floats your boat), all of us, not just the gifted ones like me. 😉
“Division of labor” creates professional artists. Affluence allows for decadent, opulent art. But we can/did have traveling minstrels and puppet shows and circus and the like without wealthy patronage. Poor people make art in the absence of rich people every day. Hip hop was born of free community block parties and has been ruined by money.
i read the NYT article on the desi wedding last night and was wondering how long it would take before a discussion on it was started on sepiamutiny 🙂 In terms of the discussion on how appropriate/inappropriate it is to spend huge amount of $ on lavish desi weddings, there is an interesting post on the topic on adhunika which talks about similar celebrations in Bangladesh (which i think transcends to even the immigrant desi community in NYC). You can check it out at http://adhunika.org/blog/2008/06/09/celebrating-weddings-in-bangladesh-where-to-draw-the-line/#comments
As far as “Tavern on the Green” as the venue for the celebration..beautiful it is..but socially responsible, not so much..the NYT reported a few weeks ago how female employees of the restaurant had filed lawsuits against a male manager for sexual harrassment. TOG is also notorious for underpaying their wait staff…which some people might not care so much about, but to many others, having a socially responsible ceremony (and not just weddings but others) where you choose companies and venues that are not exploiting others is also important.
As far as wedding stories go, my partner of 13 years and I recently got engaged, and while we cannot legally get married in the U.S yet (we are a same-sex couple), we hope to share our love and our partnership with our non-biological family who have been there for us and supported us through many storms…ours would be a bollywood movie of a different kind..we too have differences of religion..i’m hindu (but more of an agnostic), she’s muslim, i’m indian, she’s pakistani..but unfortunately, to many our relationship is not even recognized because of our gender…hopefully, some day ALL relationships can be recognized and celebrated equally.
Because HMF, I’m worried about you and from your comments here, I can see that you have alot of issues that might not be good for you health. Also I may be wrong, but from what you write here, it seems like that you don’t have much luck with the other sex.
And is this just a laymans (womans) opinion, or do you have any credentials to be making these judgements? also, lets say this is true, how would ‘being with a woman’ make the conditions you state any better.
23 · Manju said
It is so tasty, tried so many times to replicate it but to ill effects. Also khudi pakora, now that’s bloody gorgeous.
76 · rudie_c said
well, i found a recipie on-line and sent it to Mom. I’ll let you know how it turns out. shrikarnd, unlike jalebis, has a shot in the american urban market. maybe get some VC funding like those pinkberry people, start a chain, get featured on “stuff white poeple like” and off to the races. use the starbucks model minius the health insurance. hopefully the kati roll people aren’t reading.
5 · HMF said
How did you infer that it is the woman (especially in this case) that wanted a big wedding? And maybe you should have been this guy’s financial planner, if not his wedding coordinator.
Another unwarranted assumption. I know many examples to the contrary — but I doubt that facts would get in the way of your wrongheaded homilies. Really, your curmudgeonly tirades are getting tired.
huh. i was like, “wow, so many comments about intercultural weddings, i’m curious.” then i clicked and saw this….
Ty Wilde, Vinayak Tripathi.
How did you infer that it is the woman (especially in this case) that wanted a big wedding? And maybe you should have been this guy’s financial planner, if not his wedding coordinator.
Using one case to disprove a well known assertion that large, frivolous wedding plans are usually triggered by the woman’s desires?
Another unwarranted assumption. I know many examples to the contrary — but I doubt that facts would get in the way of your wrongheaded homilies. Really, your curmudgeonly tirades are getting tired.
I know no examples to the contrary. and it makes perfect logical sense, if you have two people with different faiths, and strongly believe in those faiths, of course a marital union will be difficult. Especially in a Christian Hindu union, moreso in a Hindu/Muslim union.
If we’re still talking about The Cross-Racial Weddings Of Summer, I will soon attend yet another South Indian – Cajun shindig here in New Orleans. Funny = both sides consider the other’s food too exotic / weird / spicy.
14 · louiecypher said
It’s not that interesting when you consider that there are rather stringent guidelines which must be met to be married by a Catholic or an Orthodox priest (especially in a church); these requirements often include conversion, which no bride or groom worth their chuddies is going to inflict casually on their beloved.
I’ve always wanted a church wedding…I’ve come to accept that since I tend to date Hindu boys, it’s not going to happen. And no, despite what was previously alleged, neither I nor the people I date are RINOs. Sometimes, if you love someone enough, you let go of what you thought you wanted and realize you don’t need such things after all. I went to my first temple last month, with a boy who once swore he’d never get serious with anyone but a Hindu girl; it was a gorgeous and moving experience. Eyes on the prize, not the past.
72 · Suki Dillon said
You got to love the Suki.
Manju, I will be expecting my % of the profits!! ;P Lucho Gujju here.
Come to California!!! (or I suppose Massachusetts works, too)
Exravagant weddings are fine. We have attended many of them, they are fun; great party, great food, and everyone is happy, the bride and groom are gorgeous and look right out of Bollywood. We also get them great gifts, since it would have have cost us as much if we went out for the night, maybe even more, and we give them our blessings.
But leaping on lily pads, crossing the pond? Not unless they are frogs. It is this drama that is offensive to me. Not everyone is punjabi and not everyone parties at weddings until they drop. So to say this is what desis do shows a rather shallow understanding of Hindu weddings. It is not entertainment, but a solemn affair. Priest don’t explain or attempt stand up comedy. I also do not get what makes people stand in front of all their guests and talk about the glory of their family, what a great and accomplished family they, don’t you all wish you had a family just ours, but you can’t, ’cause we’re so special. Have these not ever heard of NAZAR? It will get desis every time.
87 · smallpress said
I can’t resist– did you know you can put Nazar on your Facebook profile? I wear them , so I figured, why not…
The greatest best man speech I ever heard was, “urm…. I’ll try to be brief, Urm congratulations to the bride and groom………… oh and the desert table is readyâ€.
Are those NYT weddding announcements meant to be ironic at some level? Its like some inside joke about overachivers.
90 · Neale said
Veiled Conceit hasn’t reached our featured couple, yet. Thank you for reminding me to check!
EDIT: Uh, hasn’t been updated since 2006…I knew that crossword-loving couple looked familiar!
81 · HMF said
werd. even if the couple has no problem with each other’s faith (which seems highly unlikely if they’re religious), their families certainly will. not to mention what religious values to instill into the chillun…
87 · smallpress said
sounds like the description of saptapadi was something the nytimes romanticised. but if not, who cares? it was their marriage ceremony, let it be what they wanted it to be.
we mixed three different cultures ourselves (taking traditions out of their context for their symbolism) and i am sure we somehow managed to offend the orthodox followers of each faith/ethnicity/culture – but i really couldn’t be bothered to care. those orthodox followers were likely unhappy we were getting together in the first place.
congrats – One more falls by the wayside 🙂
Wedding’s are all about perspective. I hate most of my extended family with a passion so I would never in my life, if possible, like to spend money for the sake of them having a good time. If you are absolutley in love with every family member and all of your friends and there friends then go ahead and show them a good time.
These arguments about spending money are useless. Basically all arguments are useless. Has anyone ever been argued into a different opinion? I know I havent.
I religiously scan the occupations of the parents, which always seem so attainable in comparison with the just-hitched kids with perfect resumes (excerpeted no doubt from their college apps). Sometimes the parents have hilraiously vague jobs like “retired from import/export”. And then I see princiapl accountant, or systems analyst and I think YIKES – that could have been my child!!.
92 · Johnny Valker said
How odd, my relationship and those of several of my friends, cousins and acquaintances are ALL unlikely!
None of us, not even HMF, is all-knowing. Did it ever occur to some of you that two people of faith might have THAT in common, even if it isn’t the same faith?
97 · A N N A said
whoa! that never occurred to me. makes sense though. what occurred to me was maybe the sex was hotter. carville’s not stupid.
83 · A N N A said
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blockquote>14 · louiecypher said
Anna: I was being rhetorical, I know exactly what it’s about. But when someone points to a mixed union where there was a proper Catholic wedding and I say “Well it’s not interfaith given that the Hindu/Reform Jew/Wicca spouse has converted to make this possible” they want to color me saffron.
People often say that having extravagant weddings in India is good because it helps the economy…HOWEVER in reality most of the money goes to the middleman, or at least to a few key individuals who control supply…the actual workers/laborers/artisans, etc. make peanuts.