For those of us who are so wishing that the public’s fascination with arranged marriages was over, well … it’s not. Back in 2005, there was a lot of buzz [including here] around financial writer Anita Jain’s New York magazine article “Is Arranged Marriage Really Any Worse Than Craigslist?” So much so that she got a book deal out of it.
Next month, her memoir Marrying Anita: A Quest for Love in the New India will be published in the UK, US, and India by Bloomsbury. 
The book is being pitched as a “witty, confessional memoir” that simultaneously records Jain’s romantic quest and the story of “a country modernizing at breakneck speed.” The big question it asks: Is the new urban Indian culture in which she’s searching for a husband really all that different from America? Has globalization changed the face of arranged marriage
I want to groan, but I’m trying to be openminded and wait till I’ve actually read the book. I can’t help it though. The red flags go up in my mind when I hear about another arranged marriage book. And, now, this one combines that with another buzz word “globalization.” Is this the chick lit version of Thomas Friedman’s “The World is Flat”?
[Below the fold, glimpses of an excerpt which appeared at the Guardian last weekend.] At the Guardian is “The Marrying Kind,” an excerpt from the book. In the following section, Anita decides to move to India to find a husband.
In my three years in New York, I didn’t come close to even one romantic relationship. Dating felt like an absurd cat-and-mouse game, where people were more concerned about what they could get away with than with settling down. Despairing of another summer of Sunday brunches with the stodgy and unresponsive company of the New York Times, I knew I had to leave New York, but where could I go?
That was when I began to think of going to India. There are more men in India than women, around 930 women to every 1,000 men, according to recent census data, the discrepancy a disturbing result of infanticide and sex-segregated abortion. So I figured my options were simply more plentiful in India. In cities such as Delhi and Mumbai, the vast majority of marriages were still arranged, but I’d also heard that a culture of dating and sleeping around was gaining ground. Nonetheless, in India, a desire to be married wasn’t at loggerheads with the advances for which feminists had struggled.
People commonly go to India to find themselves or find God, but I went to find a husband. I would give myself a year, which I figured was ample time in such a marriage-oriented society. I wondered if I’d be able to find someone modern enough in his thinking to be comfortable with a wife making decisions for the household and having a full life outside the marriage – one that included going out with friends, drinking and smoking. A woman who has had sex in the past – and not just with long-term boyfriends.
So, how, the Guardian editors ask in the story’s head, “Would Delhi men cope with a Harvard-educated working woman? And what happened when her father placed an advert seeking a ‘broad-minded groom’?”
Anita’s dad, we discover, apparently has too-high expectations of sealing the deal during his six-week trip to India. His optimistism yields to a trickle of responses which are followed by disappointing in-person meetings. At an encounter with a corporate lawyer, the following ensues:
My father wants to see if there is more to the fellow. He believes only one question is required to take the measure of a man. Leaning in, he carefully chooses his words in Hindi: “If my daughter Anita is sick and cannot cook, who would cook dinner?”
Waving his hand as if shooing away a fly, Vinod answers, “I have a maid.”
Knowing how decisive the question is, Papa gives him another chance. “The maid is sick. Who cooks?”
“I have two maids,” he says, notching up his attitude of arrogant dismissiveness.
“Your other maid is sick, too. Who cooks?” my father says, relentlessly.
“I’d hire a third,” Vinod says, unblinkingly.
Neither is backing down. It is a face-off. “Forget the bloody maids! What do you do?” Papa bellows.
Gulp, at the end of all these examples, wouldn’t the average reader be left with the feeling that there are no broadminded men in India? Or is this just the excerpt that was chosen because it was deemed “juicy” enough to boost sales? (I know many progressive and broadminded desi men, my husband included, so am really hoping that this book is more than your stereotypical arranged marriage kahani. My copy of the book is on the way so stay tuned.)
For those in the NY area, the author will be reading with Sandeep Jauhar at the Asian American Writers Workshop on August 7. Details here.
You got it backwards. If she spent her youth sleeping around with non-desis but did not marry one, and now is married to (or looking to marry) a desi, it means that non-desi men are only good to fool around with and use for sexual pleasure, b>NOT good enough to marry. While desi men, on the otherhand, are in fact, good enough to marry, and hence she’s married to one.
So cheer up boys! She doesn’t want to use you, she wants to truly love you – forever.
And how do you think that makes non-desi men feel? Like crap.
99 · HMF said
These nice guy providers then went to India, married a pretty Brown girl with nice eyes, less baggage and decent cooking skills.
I recall an episode 20 years ago on ITV in Queens, NY about a desi girl complaining the lack of good Indian men for marriage. Some things never change.
But Jain found her “nice Indian boy”, didn’t she?
Good on her!
She got the best of both worlds – from the American bedroom, to the Indian boardroom.
103 · helter skelter said
Did not read the book, I am not the target audience. I read an review on Guardian and how excited she was to meet a bania guy in India.
Well, who doesn’t get excited meeting a guy in banian?
wink wink
I’m a good cook, what chances do I stand landing a dbd alpha male?
105 · Jain Doe said
Funny, although I am not liking the anti-bania brigade. You have little chance to land a dbd alpha male, you bring nothing appealing to the table compared to a south mumbai girl.
How do you know?
You don’t even know me.
Besides cooking I have other skills.
Anyway, maybe you’re not getting my “banian” jokes, if you’re not from the Hindi belt.
107 · Jain Doe said
I did get your joke. I like your handle better, maybe you do have some redeeming qualities. Having skills are great, but once you hit 30, your appeal drops faster than a DBDs baniyan.
LOL. Good one.
Come on! There are young men in their 20s in India who love us “shekshy aunties”.
Anyway, being in my 30s I would go for a man no younger than 28 and no older than 40.
That’s an 12 year range there, should be someone who can make me happy out there, I would think.
Think positive!
Like these lovely almond-shaped peepers???
So cheer up boys! She doesn’t want to use you, she wants to truly love you – forever.
Bullshit, she sees a stable paycheck. she wants to please her parents and assuage her own indescretions.
And how do you think that makes non-desi men feel? Like crap.
What a load of hogwash. I just see tons of white/black/hispanic men moping around, “oh darnit that high maintenance Indian chick didn’t marry me, we just had sex for pleasure, but I wanted to hear her gripe about how hard women have it in the workplace, while I continue working this shitty job just to pay for her shit”
109 · Jain Doe said
Everyone loves a ‘shekshy aunt’ for a good time. Maybe you will find someone, maybe not, the odds are not awesome. The ‘dbd girls for adb men’ takes away a lot of marginally acceptable candidates. ‘Cruella’ was probably a looker in her time, however, slave-driver can take it’s toll.
Obviously you’ve not seen all the online weep-fests by non-Indian women who fell in love with desi guys just to be dumped by them when they marry desi brides! It happens!
And I don’t think Jain is the type of woman who would have any man pay for all her sh*t. She is a working professional for god’s sake!
Anyway, whatever. It is not uncommon for desi men and women to date non-desis but “settle down” with the good Indian boy/girl that mommy and daddy chooses for them or guides them towards, however they are calling it these days, leaving a trail of broken hearts behind.
Woe is me. Guess I’ll have to stick with my tall, muscular, well-hung, intelligent, open-minded, fun-loving and great cooking man that I have now….
He’ll be happy to hear that.
HMF, it’s not too late–you can still go to med school!
And miss out on these….
http://www.flickr.com/photos/timir/361396585/in/photostream/ http://www.flickr.com/photos/gupak/235941129
113 · Jain Doe said
It s obvious you are making this up. Sounds like a 18 year olds wishlist, not someone in a relationship.
And I don’t think Jain is the type of woman who would have any man pay for all her sh*t. She is a working professional for god’s sake!
That’s immaterial. I’ve met women that clear 150K in salary, and still complain when guys don’t pick up a $20 check. the rationale: “It’s not about the money, it’s the gesture that counts”
It is not uncommon for desi men and women to date non-desis but “settle down” with the good Indian boy/girl that mommy and daddy chooses for them or guides them towards, however they are calling it these days, leaving a trail of broken hearts behind
exactly my point. Because for the women, desi men = non-alpha, non-sexual, beta, provider, society pleasing types.
dont vurry HMF dude and single somethings. Have a banana and the world is a happy place even when you turn fifty, are bald and weigh a ton.
Who’s worrying?
Just as long as certain truths are acknowledged.
119 · HMF said
HMF, I gotta say you have hit on many of my own gripes really well! Its not just desi females, but females in general! The pendulum has certainly swung the other way in terms of opportunities for women (e.g. about 60 percentage of college graduates are now female), and they are doing very well professionally. Yet all you hear from them is how disadvantaged they are, and how men are pigs, yada yada …. I am surrounded at work with thirty or forty something single women who are doing very well, having a very good time in all aspects, but constantly bitching about something or the other. Also, its so fricking hard to work with them (a lot of them are selfish, scheming, and just plain devious!). And I am thinking – no wonder you are guys all single!
I guess we have pretty much beaten this topic to death! 🙂
Its not just desi females, but females in general!
True. although the minority/majority element comes into play where white men are socially programmed to be better equipped to handle basic human needs, and essentially function as better members of society & be better romantic partners. There’s really no other result from 25+ years of media/tv programming and disneyfication. Also, for some desi women (not all) they have vehemently disapproved of the relationship their father had towards their mother, hence any desi male they meet will be met with an internal bias of “I hope he doesn’t think he’s gonna treat me like my dad treated my mom…” in essence.
HMF, I gotta say you have hit on many of my own gripes really well!
It’s only a matter of time before the zeitgeist around here begins to speculate and comment on your mastubatory technique, angular momentum, frequency, duration…
The pendulum has certainly swung the other way in terms of opportunities for women (e.g. about 60 percentage of college graduates are now female), and they are doing very well professionally.
At the very least, it’s much more balanced. And further more, I actually appreciate the gripes women have regarding the workplace, I do believe much disparity exists and it’s a difficulty I couldn’t begin to comprehend. However, what I don’t like is the selective nature in which women demand equality, by haranging for it in certain spaces, but allowing (and even expecting) traditional gender roles to persist in others. It’s selective and borderline hypocritical.
Unfortuntely, many women’s own social upbringing prevents them from reaching equality, as they still look for men that they want to “be the man” – ie. tacitly ack’ing gender roles.
all you hear from them is how disadvantaged they are, and how men are pigs, yada yada
And to prove their point, they point to women in burqas half way around the world, correct? As if they share even 1% of their suffering.
comes into play where white men are socially programmed
of course this is meant to read, “…many desi women are socially programmed to think white men…”
Jain Doe,
PG your rubbish is really getting tiring and it doesn’t contribute anything to the discussion, we can rehash your comments from the older posts and they all essentially say the same thing.
120 · Kev said
But why stop there when you have RoissyinDC and Mystery to sell you the same crap (sometimes on a daily basis)? Maybe not thinking you’re disadvantaged will win you a bevy of beauties as well!
RoissyinDC and Mystery to sell you the same crap
I don’t know the former, but the latter, if you’re referring to Erik Von Markovic, really has nothing to do with it as well. In general the PUA stuff holds, but it hasn’t been carefully studied to account for racial “heirarchies” so to speak. For an Indian to approach a non-Indian set, certain pre-requisites must be met.
125 · HMF said
Tyler Cowen called his blog “evil.” I think that’s enough of an endorsement (of sorts. read at your own peril.)
Tyler Cowen
And who in the blue blazes might this be?
127 · HMF said
http://www.marginalrevolution.com (prof at George Mason).
But why stop there when you have RoissyinDC and Mystery to sell you the same crap (sometimes on a daily basis)? Maybe not thinking you’re disadvantaged will win you a bevy of beauties as well
I have had my fair share, thank you very much! After all it is with us men these independent ‘bevy of beauties’ are sharing their unbridled lust! 🙂 (excluding of course their ever increasing lesbian dalliances). No problems with that, just the general hypocrisy. Glanced at the RoissyinDC website. Did not like it at all. It seemed geared towards exploiting women. Not at all what I was getting at.
121 · HMF said
Wait, aren’t you conflating heirarchies here? You said earlier; “Indian women (certainly this one) having a clear internal bias toward Indian men being “nice guy provider types.”
So, there are really two lists: the desexualized, often nerdy, nice-guy provider types, which include desis, asians, jews, and whites; and the carnivorous, bad-boy, sexually desiraqble, but not marriageable archetype, which includes blacks, hispanics, ethnic-whites (italians, greeks) and whites.
which include desis, asians, jews, and whites; and the carnivorous, bad-boy, sexually desiraqble, but not marriageable archetype, which includes blacks, hispanics, ethnic-whites (italians, greeks) and whites.
How is it a conflation? I’m saying Indian men are considered weaker in terms of two things: 1. sexual prowess 2. general “strength” in terms of functioning in American society, I like to call this “social agility.” (in this, white men tend to have higher value, due to disneyfication, etc…)
Now I’ve received the complaint that I’m not “balanced” in my view, that I don’t acknowledge the media images on desi males that posit white women as more beautiful. Wrongo. I do, however this doesn’t directly translate into “social agility”, it stops at physical beauty. that’s often unattainable, as the racial heirarchies imputed on desi women are multiplied ten fold in white women.
And for the men, what do desi women equal???
And women in India? What are they considered to have so many ABD men and DBD men living in America run back to Desh in order to marry them instead of American citizens?
I’ll answer that for you. Women back in the desh are considered subservient and that is why ABD men and DBD men now living outside of India return to India to find wives. It is assumed that Indian wives do not have any “baggage”. That is code for “no previous sexual history”. It is assumed that they are better cooks and homemakers than their American counterparts, that’s code for will do ALL the cooking and cleaning and not expect a 50/50 split in household chores. It is assumed that they have more “family values”, and that is code for she will conform to whatever her in-laws expect of her.
HMF, if a ABD women are now doing what ABD and DBD men living in America have always done – returning to the Desh to find a spouse that will fill “traditional roles” and please mammy and pappy, why does it irk you so?
And for the men, what do desi women equal???
many of them are equated with being dramatic, less pretty in certain instances, but not fundamentally lesser people. not in the same way as many Indian women don’t consider Indian men “men”
I’ll answer that for you. Women back in the desh are considered subservient and that is why ABD men and DBD men now living outside of India return to India to find wives. It is assumed that Indian wives do not have any “baggage”. That is code for “no previous sexual history”
a bullshit assumption. just be safe and assume every desi women whether here or there has been drilled more than an arbusto oil rig.
HMF, if a ABD women are now doing what ABD and DBD men living in America have always done – returning to the Desh to find a spouse that will fill “traditional roles” and please mammy and pappy, why does it irk you so?
ABD and DBD men do it for slightly different reasons.
HMF, I am not sure where the logic for your elaborate theories come from, but they read as if motivated by the need for a mental crutch to deal with the mocking you received at the hands of some woman for a small penis.
Your analogies are about as sound as your logic. First, oil rigs are not drilled, oil wells are. Second, given Bush’s storied incompetence, and Arbusto/Spectrum 7/Harken’s stunning success at regularly producing mammoth losses, I’d guess Arbusto oil wells are really not drilled very much. Maybe you were talking about yourself in the above statement, not “every desi women (sic)”?
Way to miss the central point of commenter number 132 comparing ABD men and women, and latch onto an inconsequential tangent.
HMF, I am not sure where the logic for your elaborate theories come from, but they read as if motivated by the need for a mental crutch to deal with the mocking you received at the hands of some woman for a small penis.
Gee, that’s a new one.
To answer your question, the “elaborate” theories come from common sense and observation.
First, oil rigs are not drilled, oil wells are. Second, given Bush’s storied incompetence, and Arbusto/Spectrum 7/Harken’s stunning success at regularly producing mammoth losses, I’d guess Arbusto oil wells are really not drilled very much
oh you got me. give yourself a cookie. actually that was my point, they drilled endless holes in the ground, but found nothing. In fact if you read House of Bush, House of Saud, you’d know that.
Yellow card. None of penish-senish businesh here, OK?
Plus wasn’t there a thread that addressed that in the first place?
Your analogies are about as sound as your logic.
how about you debate the point rather than make trite, easy jokes that have been said before and if funny, I would actually appreciate for their cleverness, but the inability to be funny and debate the point is a double fault.
Okey dokey. But please explain what the different reasons are. Coz I’m really curious as to why, when there are plenty of women of a wide variety of backgrounds in the very country they are residing and intend to reside for life, they go to India to marry.
One more thing, I have to disagree with you on the reasons desi women date non-desi men but marry desi men.
OK, what woman in the world wants to marry a man who would not be sexually appealing to her or be able to satisfy her? Quite the contrary, women marry whom they hope and assume will be able to do just that.
Again, it does not benefit women in any way to marry such men.
I say desi women marry desi men precisely because they think they will have a rewarding sex life (and consequently family life) with them and they are confidently able to socially navigate through the different layers of a desi woman’s family, friends, work, culture and recreational world.
But please explain what the different reasons are
Sure, be happy to. The male reason for going abroad is the exactly the reasons you state, to appease parents, perceived servility & more culturally informed / acclimated person.
But the female reason (but it is something so rarely done – because the perception is Indian men in desh are stuck in traditional modalities of male-female relations [all of them, not just the ones that women want to retain]) but at least in the author’s case, it’s simply to find someone that doesn’t wanna just fck, but “modern” enough to tolerate the fact that she did “just fck” for three years in NY.
OK, what woman in the world wants to marry a man who would not be sexually appealing to her or be able to satisfy her? Quite the contrary, women marry whom they hope and assume will be able to do just that.
read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker, and you’ll understand the idea of ‘marrying the beta male’ and being sexually charged by the alpha male.
Again, it does not benefit women in any way to marry such men.
Exactly my point, which is why so many don’t. or at least try their darndest to marry a white guy, but usually get the door slammed on them due to inherent, latent racism within their supposed partner.
Every “failing” of a white male/indian female relation has been due to a plug pulling from the white male or his/her family. And that’s even if the indian female is the most UT person out there.
Every “failing” of a white male/indian female relation has been due to a plug pulling from the white male or his/her family. And that’s even if the indian female is the most UT person out there
correction, every one that I’m aware of.
white male or his/her family
I was going to issue a correction for this as well, but I’m sure there’s some transvestite white shemale out there who pulled the plug at some point.
So the bottom line is then that male or female desis go to desh to marry for the same reasons. That is the impression I get.
But anyway, there are plenty of people outside of India who don’t just want to “f” and who do not mind if their partners have “f’d” before marrying them. I mean come on, it’s assumed that everyone has “f’d” by the time they are 20.
Who are these people in USA who just want to “f” and that’s it – passed the age of 30???
So the bottom line is then that male or female desis go to desh to marry for the same reasons.
No, the female reasons are a subset of the male ones.
Females don’t go because they want men who adhere to traditional “Indian” gender roles, as men would be more likely to do so for that reason. Females (and this is just a guess because its so rare) would do it because they realize the independent free spirit lifestyle isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
142 · HMF said
How do you account for desi women who specifically desire brown men then? Your ‘theory’ doesn’t take into account:
among others. Point number one is especially important. If there are exceptionally few desi men in a girl’s geographical area and social circle, and most of them are not appealing to her, why would she date them? Your repetitive points about white men being preferred partners just don’t make any sense to me either. I mean, either American social structure is really wonky, or you live in a warped universe of your own where everything is black and white. I know that in my country South American desis aren’t ‘beta males’ in any sense of the word. And why would a desi girl date a white guy just because he is white? Isn’t that just an accident of nature? I must be really thick…
How do you account for desi women who specifically desire brown men then? Your ‘theory’ doesn’t take into account:
There are exceptions to every rule, so there do exist some desi women who have understood (as I have) how Eurocentricism/white superiority/disneyfication, etc… will all come into play.
Anecdotally, I’ve never come across desi women that desire “brown” men to the point of excluding others, it might exist as a preference.
If there are exceptionally few desi men in a girl’s geographical area and social circle, and most of them are not appealing to her, why would she date them?
The “most are not appealing” is not disconnected to the majority white-person-in-power society that would shape the perception of what is appealing in the first place, especially if she’s from a neighborhood/social circle that lacks desis.
Your repetitive points about white men being preferred partners just don’t make any sense to me either.
well. open your eyes then. watch 5 minutes of any media in the US and see what standard is being defined as “normal” , and hence more desirable.
And why would a desi girl date a white guy just because he is white?
It’s not understood in the desi girl mind that way, it’s understood as “he’s a great guy, he’s sweet, he’s charming, he’s romantic” all that bullshit, but what she fails to realize is what’s shaped her image of “great sweet and charming” in the first place. Certainly if a propensity towards white men exists, it cannot be decoupled from the social history that elevates white men above others in terms of generic, human, social ability, to exist in the US.
Well thank you for telling a desi girl how she thinks. Clearly I’ve been wrong all along about my own motives!
You haven’t taken into account either than desi women might actually prefer dating desi men because of shared cultural background? Which is a huge advantage that desi men have over white men IMO.
The term appealing can be defined as anything simple as the presence of shared interests, similarity in beliefs, or just really hot chemistry. One of my best friends vastly prefers to date desi. I know this is true for the approximately 4 other desi girls I know who grew up in my country. I don’t really want to write about myself but since my circle of desi acquaintances is extremely extremely limited, compared to US desis, I’ll say that I’ve been asked out twice by desi men(using a very broad definition of desi here), and I’ve turned both down because 1. I wasn’t attracted to them and 2. didn’t have anything in common with them. I’ve been asked out by quite a few white men as well, and have turned most down for exactly the same reasons as the desis. It’s not rocket science – birds of a feather flock together, as the saying goes, and if your interests don’t converge with those of most desi men in your enviroment then there’s really no point in dating them. Being not in the – ah – privileged position of viewing U.S. media, I don’t see how someone’s brainwashed ideals can trump over actual instincts and feelings. Perhaps someone could enlighten me on the racial dynamics at play here, because I’m clearly missing something. And perhaps should look a little beyond the United States.
I try to post this in the news section but it didn’t work.
A 25 year old women from Atlanta was killed by her father cause she wanted a divorce from her arranged marriage. http://www.11alive.com/rss/rss_story.aspx?storyid=118187