The Arranged Marriage World … is Flat

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For those of us who are so wishing that the public’s fascination with arranged marriages was over, well … it’s not. Back in 2005, there was a lot of buzz [including here] around financial writer Anita Jain’s New York magazine article “Is Arranged Marriage Really Any Worse Than Craigslist?” So much so that she got a book deal out of it.

Next month, her memoir Marrying Anita: A Quest for Love in the New India will be published in the UK, US, and India by Bloomsbury. anitaj.pg.jpg The book is being pitched as a “witty, confessional memoir” that simultaneously records Jain’s romantic quest and the story of “a country modernizing at breakneck speed.” The big question it asks: Is the new urban Indian culture in which she’s searching for a husband really all that different from America? Has globalization changed the face of arranged marriage

I want to groan, but I’m trying to be openminded and wait till I’ve actually read the book. I can’t help it though. The red flags go up in my mind when I hear about another arranged marriage book. And, now, this one combines that with another buzz word “globalization.” Is this the chick lit version of Thomas Friedman’s “The World is Flat”?

[Below the fold, glimpses of an excerpt which appeared at the Guardian last weekend.] At the Guardian is “The Marrying Kind,” an excerpt from the book. In the following section, Anita decides to move to India to find a husband.

In my three years in New York, I didn’t come close to even one romantic relationship. Dating felt like an absurd cat-and-mouse game, where people were more concerned about what they could get away with than with settling down. Despairing of another summer of Sunday brunches with the stodgy and unresponsive company of the New York Times, I knew I had to leave New York, but where could I go?
That was when I began to think of going to India. There are more men in India than women, around 930 women to every 1,000 men, according to recent census data, the discrepancy a disturbing result of infanticide and sex-segregated abortion. So I figured my options were simply more plentiful in India. In cities such as Delhi and Mumbai, the vast majority of marriages were still arranged, but I’d also heard that a culture of dating and sleeping around was gaining ground. Nonetheless, in India, a desire to be married wasn’t at loggerheads with the advances for which feminists had struggled.
People commonly go to India to find themselves or find God, but I went to find a husband. I would give myself a year, which I figured was ample time in such a marriage-oriented society. I wondered if I’d be able to find someone modern enough in his thinking to be comfortable with a wife making decisions for the household and having a full life outside the marriage – one that included going out with friends, drinking and smoking. A woman who has had sex in the past – and not just with long-term boyfriends.

So, how, the Guardian editors ask in the story’s head, “Would Delhi men cope with a Harvard-educated working woman? And what happened when her father placed an advert seeking a ‘broad-minded groom’?”

Anita’s dad, we discover, apparently has too-high expectations of sealing the deal during his six-week trip to India. His optimistism yields to a trickle of responses which are followed by disappointing in-person meetings. At an encounter with a corporate lawyer, the following ensues:

My father wants to see if there is more to the fellow. He believes only one question is required to take the measure of a man. Leaning in, he carefully chooses his words in Hindi: “If my daughter Anita is sick and cannot cook, who would cook dinner?”
Waving his hand as if shooing away a fly, Vinod answers, “I have a maid.”
Knowing how decisive the question is, Papa gives him another chance. “The maid is sick. Who cooks?”
“I have two maids,” he says, notching up his attitude of arrogant dismissiveness.
“Your other maid is sick, too. Who cooks?” my father says, relentlessly.
“I’d hire a third,” Vinod says, unblinkingly.
Neither is backing down. It is a face-off. “Forget the bloody maids! What do you do?” Papa bellows.

Gulp, at the end of all these examples, wouldn’t the average reader be left with the feeling that there are no broadminded men in India? Or is this just the excerpt that was chosen because it was deemed “juicy” enough to boost sales? (I know many progressive and broadminded desi men, my husband included, so am really hoping that this book is more than your stereotypical arranged marriage kahani. My copy of the book is on the way so stay tuned.)

For those in the NY area, the author will be reading with Sandeep Jauhar at the Asian American Writers Workshop on August 7. Details here.

275 thoughts on “The Arranged Marriage World … is Flat”

  1. A middle-class family can easily spend $100,000 these days on a dowry in India.) Wow! She must have lost quite a bit of weight while writing that article after pulling out so many similar statments out of her ass .

    mate it is a not a lot of money . $43 Lacs? That is just enough to get you a flat. cousins who have been married into middle class / lower middle class families have spent ~ 10 lacs. an upper middle class family and 40L – not too far fetched.

  2. mate it is a not a lot of money . $43 Lacs? That is just enough to get you a flat. cousins who have been married into middle class / lower middle class families have spent ~ 10 lacs. an upper middle class family and 40L – not too far fetched

    Well its a big jump from 10 lacs to 43..innit? And generally expenses includes reception and all. I know some upper middle class people give car and stuff and put it on display on reception day, but apratment? I dont think its very common. And if it is then I need to know, lest I get shortchanged with a hamara bajaj :D.

  3. Modern desi arranged marriages don’t seem to be all that different than dating services and online “matchmaking” sites. Whenever my parents would tell me about how they met it just made so much sense…narrow the field by making sure that your basic interests match up with those of your potential spouse. Granted, it wasn’t exactly a compatibility test (as advertised on match.com), but family background, economic standing, and level of education are USUALLY extremely important for a relationship to work. For some reason, however, I feel that the words “arranged” and “marriage” often invoke the archaic “betrothed since childhood” imagery to many non-desis. (Correct me if I’m wrong, “betrothed since childhood” IS archaic…right???)

  6. The real question is why should a Delhi man COPE with a Harvard educated women at all??…if he’s making coin he’ll have plenty of pliable options at home? Pliable being the operative word. If he wants he’ll get. I’m sure the Harvard educated women would have done the same on her way to the top 🙂

  7. 32 · Sanjay Said: Seriously I have never seen an Indian man in India cook, I remember the look on my uncles face when my father went to the kitchen to get my mother a cup of coffee. Every time I ask for a recepie of something I ate, it’s met with giggles. Forget men, there are very few broadminded people at all in India, espcially among women. We are from an urban upper middle class family in Kolkata.

    That is pretty much true in India. In the South men in many families are forced to learn cooking because the woman of the house gets 1 to 5 days off each month from entering the kitchen. This is limited to certain communities. This could be a topic for a blog post all on its own.

  8. Modern desi arranged marriages don’t seem to be all that different than dating services and online “matchmaking” sites. Whenever my parents would tell me about how they met it just made so much sense…narrow the field by making sure that your basic interests match up with those of your potential spouse. Granted, it wasn’t exactly a compatibility test (as advertised on match.com), but family background, economic standing, and level of education are USUALLY extremely important for a relationship to work.

    It is different, in a sense that both parties are meeting with a common intent ie marriage. There is no, “lets play it by the ear”. You have a dead line or else.

  9. 47 · lazydezi said

    40 · Kev said
    “Jain is actually quite open about her own dating history (and, bringing men home for the night)”.
    Before being smacked with the ‘double-standard’ label, I wonder how many ABD men (let alone DBD men) are truly comfortable with this for their potential wife. Just curious. It is best to avoid women from new York. One third of the women in New York have herpes.

    Actually 36% of New York women have herpes. That’s a staggering number! I am sure India has changed quite a bit from yester-years, but I doubt that a promiscuous woman is considered a catch there, even a Harvard educated one. Those who are responding there probably have their own agenda.

  10. Before being smacked with the ‘double-standard’ label, I wonder how many ABD men (let alone DBD men) are truly comfortable with this for their potential wife. Just curious. It is best to avoid women from new York. One third of the women in New York have herpes. Actually 36% of New York women have herpes. That’s a staggering number! I am sure India has changed quite a bit from yester-years, but I doubt that a promiscuous woman is considered a catch there, even a Harvard educated one. Those who are responding there probably have their own agenda.

    WTF? Those are some big leaps you’re making there, Sam. There’s an element of “women who have sex with multiple partners are really just disease-ridden whores,” which is ridiculous.

    If that wasn’t your point, well, my apologies. But if it was, you’re way off base.

    First, the last study I saw said something like 26% of adult New Yorkers (overall, regardless of gender) carry the herpes simplex virus. That’s compared to 19% nationwide. Many of those cases are birth-acquired. And the rate of treatment for herpes in NYC is pretty high, too. So yeah, your 36% number is accurate, but you’re definitely misrepresenting things a bit here, because I’ve yet to see a single study on Indian women and Indian men in New York, and their respective incidences of venereal diseases compared to the population at large. So reign in there, pal.

  11. It’s tough for a girl who does not fit into caste, class, cultural and ethnic expectations.

    PG or not, you have my sympathy. I agree it is a tough marriage-world out there, but I truly believe that the marginalized have a deeper insight into things that the privileged have taken for granted. So draw your strength from there and trust that when the right guy comes along you will have developed the instinct to recognize him and will be willing to overlook minor details that others, perhaps, have classified as major ‘no-no’.

  13. 60 · Salil Maniktahla said

    Before being smacked with the ‘double-standard’ label, I wonder how many ABD men (let alone DBD men) are truly comfortable with this for their potential wife. Just curious. It is best to avoid women from new York. One third of the women in New York have herpes. Actually 36% of New York women have herpes. That’s a staggering number! I am sure India has changed quite a bit from yester-years, but I doubt that a promiscuous woman is considered a catch there, even a Harvard educated one. Those who are responding there probably have their own agenda.
    WTF? Those are some big leaps you’re making there, Sam. There’s an element of “women who have sex with multiple partners are really just disease-ridden whores,” which is ridiculous. If that wasn’t your point, well, my apologies. But if it was, you’re way off base. First, the last study I saw said something like 26% of adult New Yorkers (overall, regardless of gender) carry the herpes simplex virus. That’s compared to 19% nationwide. Many of those cases are birth-acquired. And the rate of treatment for herpes in NYC is pretty high, too. So yeah, your 36% number is accurate, but you’re definitely misrepresenting things a bit here, because I’ve yet to see a single study on Indian women and Indian men in New York, and their respective incidences of venereal diseases compared to the population at large. So reign in there, pal.

    Indeed, it’s very easy to get herpes even non-sexually so that comment was a gross misrepresentation of facts. There are many different strains of the virus.

  15. I hope she got married. There just happens to be a lot of unmarried desi girls in early to mid 30s. I am not kidding, a lot.

    Very true. There are going to be a helluva lot more desi spinsters unless they start doing what Anita did: take the initiative.

  17. Some Anita Jain quotes:

    “With other forms of dating the options seem limitless. The long kiss in the bar with someone I’ve never met before could have been just that, an exchange that has a value and meaning of its own that can’t be quantified. Ditto for the one-night stand. (Try explaining that one to my parents.)”

    “But after a decade of Juan Carloses and short-lived affairs with married men and Craigslist flirtations and emotionally bankrupt boyfriends and, oddly, the most painful of all, the guys who just never call, it no longer seems like the most outlandish possibility.”

    Forget the one-night stands, I find her “short-lived affairs with married men” absolutely morally repugnant. While I really do get the dilemma of the bright, modern, single, Indian woman (my sister is one), I have very little sympathy for the likes of Anita Jain who have indulged in their hedonistic behavior to the max and now want some sap to settle down with.

  18. Salil — yes, odd. The magazine had an accompanying photo of them at their marriage — also a little odd. They both look very smile-y in it.

    I mean, yes, I’m glad it all worked out for them, but I wasn’t sure of his . . . point? Maybe it’s part of his larger memoir narrative — but, then, I’m not reading his book.

  19. 37 · Filmiholic said

    Filmi

    Like Filmiholic, I also got my hands on an early copy of Anita’s book. I’d like to echo the same comments: I was pleasantly surprised by Anita’s sense of humor–I found myself laughing out loud on several occasions! Her parents are also a significant part of the book, especially her dad, who’s a real character. Trust me, I wasn’t looking forward to another tired arranged marriage book either, and this is not it…its very much a memoir, one that describes India in a way that was very eye opening. There’s not much globalization spin either, I don’t know what’s up with that. I wish Anita the best…this may be the type of book you won’t be able to resist once it comes out.

  21. the new yorker article was interesting to read, but like all immigrant stories, based on ONE PERSON’S EXPERIENCE. she describes her immediate surrounding in the article. As such many things are inapplicable to some, fictitious to others and to still others, simply laughable. Well funny. I am a south asian. I can see that the author has lived all her life with a lot of parental control/interference. Since her parents still do the stuff they do when she’s over 30, and she still chooses to deal with it not by asking them to change, but by sharing it with strangers says something about her worldview.

    I am not being harsh and I hope I don’t come across all arrogant. But this by no means a good representation of what she’s writing about. It tells you as much about indians and their ways in this matter as sex and the city tells you about lives of 4 young women living in new york. go figure!

  22. I hope she got married. There just happens to be a lot of unmarried desi girls in early to mid 30s. I am not kidding, a lot.
    Very true. There are going to be a helluva lot more desi spinsters unless they start doing what Anita did: take the initiative.

    Was I the only one that found this statements a tad sexist and politically incorrect?

    By the way, Anita Jain is a sexually active woman, NOT a lonely spinster idling away her time with a French Tickler, unless the definition of “spinster” has changed.

    And if there are alot of single desi women in their 30s, that means there must be alot of desi male “spinsters” as well!

  23. wouldn’t the average reader be left with the feeling that there are no broadminded men in India?

    Broadminded is a relative term.

    What’s broadminded in rural India may be considered “archaic” in Indian metros. What passes for broadminded in Indian metros may be considered closed-minded in rural America.

    But I can say this, I doubt she will find a desi man and accompanying family who would be “broadminded” enough to accept her as bahu after reading a book about her sexual exploits.

    I mean, desi families like to brag about their bahus. If a bahu happens to be an author, well, they give signed copies of the book to all their family members and friends. In this case they wouldn’t be able to do so.

    Plus, it would be dangerous for her – what with all the uncle-in-laws and everything thinking she’s “broadminded”, you know what I mean?

    Anita babes, stick to American men. Your in-laws won’t have as much of a problem with your book.

  24. 72 · Single and Lovin It! said

    I hope she got married. There just happens to be a lot of unmarried desi girls in early to mid 30s. I am not kidding, a lot.
    Very true. There are going to be a helluva lot more desi spinsters unless they start doing what Anita did: take the initiative.
    Was I the only one that found this statements a tad sexist and politically incorrect? By the way, Anita Jain is a sexually active woman, NOT a lonely spinster idling away her time with a French Tickler, unless the definition of “spinster” has changed. And if there are alot of single desi women in their 30s, that means there must be alot of desi male “spinsters” as well!

    There are no left-over men looking for a ABD Girl in her 30s. Most of these men went to India and married a pretty girl who cooks like his mom.

  25. There are no left-over men looking for a ABD Girl in her 30s. Most of these men went to India and married a pretty girl who cooks like his mom.

    I don’t understand why a dynamic woman like Anita Jain would bother with such type of men, or bother going to India to find more.

    There are plenty of hot and wonderful white and black men right here in her own country who would just adore her, and> cook for her!

  26. 75 · Single and Lovin It said

    There are no left-over men looking for a ABD Girl in her 30s. Most of these men went to India and married a pretty girl who cooks like his mom.
    I don’t understand why a dynamic woman like Anita Jain would bother with such type of men, or bother going to India to find more. There are plenty of hot and wonderful white and black men right here in her own country who would just adore her, and> cook for her!

    And you have not found one?
    As American as Anita Jain pretend to be, she loved it when she found a ‘bania’. So much for ‘sex and the city’ lifestyle.

  27. And you have not found one?

    I’ve found many.

    As American as Anita Jain pretend to be, she loved it when she found a ‘bania’. So much for ‘sex and the city’ lifestyle.

    Wait! She married a bania? I’ll have to read the book. I wonder if he wears banian.

  28. 77 · Single and Lovin It said

    <

    blockquote>

    And you have not found one?
    I’ve found many.

    Yet none good enough to settle down with? Oh wait, you must be one of those for whom no one is good enough.

  29. 67 · Sam said

    Some Anita Jain quotes: “With other forms of dating the options seem limitless. The long kiss in the bar with someone I’ve never met before could have been just that, an exchange that has a value and meaning of its own that can’t be quantified. Ditto for the one-night stand. (Try explaining that one to my parents.)” “But after a decade of Juan Carloses and short-lived affairs with married men and Craigslist flirtations and emotionally bankrupt boyfriends and, oddly, the most painful of all, the guys who just never call, it no longer seems like the most outlandish possibility.” Forget the one-night stands, I find her “short-lived affairs with married men” absolutely morally repugnant. While I really do get the dilemma of the bright, modern, single, Indian woman (my sister is one), I have very little sympathy for the likes of Anita Jain who have indulged in their hedonistic behavior to the max and now want some sap to settle down with.

    Haha well aren’t you just the upright citizen huh? It’s always so charming to see prissy uptight boys and girls wielding moral judgement over other people’s lives. If Ms. Jain were having affairs with her friends’ husbands, that would be a different matter, since that is a breach of trust in the friendship. But if it’s an anonymous person, who cares? Whatever happened to the man’s responsibility, huh? It’s also funny how these frustrated desi men come in here and judge Ms. Jain for her one-night-stands. I fail to see how one can draw conclusions about someone’s character from their sex life.

  30. 79 · Meena said

    Haha well aren’t you just the upright citizen huh? It’s always so charming to see prissy uptight boys and girls wielding moral judgement over other people’s lives. If Ms. Jain were having affairs with her friends’ husbands, that would be a different matter, since that is a breach of trust in the friendship. But if it’s an anonymous person, who cares? Whatever happened to the man’s responsibility, huh? It’s also funny how these frustrated desi men come in here and judge Ms. Jain for her one-night-stands. I fail to see how one can draw conclusions about someone’s character from their sex life.

    Because affairs with married people shows a lack of character and trust for any marriage, which btw is the topic of discussion. Jain had short-lived affairs with married men, not anonymous sex with them. Also I am not sure anonymous sex with anyone shows any character, sweetie! But of course you wouldn’t know anything about that!

  31. 80 · Sam said

    79 · Meena said
    Haha well aren’t you just the upright citizen huh? It’s always so charming to see prissy uptight boys and girls wielding moral judgement over other people’s lives. If Ms. Jain were having affairs with her friends’ husbands, that would be a different matter, since that is a breach of trust in the friendship. But if it’s an anonymous person, who cares? Whatever happened to the man’s responsibility, huh? It’s also funny how these frustrated desi men come in here and judge Ms. Jain for her one-night-stands. I fail to see how one can draw conclusions about someone’s character from their sex life. Because affairs with married people shows a lack of character and trust for any marriage, which btw is the topic of discussion. Jain had short-lived affairs with married men, not anonymous sex with them. Also I am not sure anonymous sex with anyone shows any character, sweetie! But of course you wouldn’t know anything about that!

    You are wasting your time talking about values to degenerate europeans.

  32. I think her past history should give any prospect cause for concern. Not because she has a history, but because it does not include Indian men. I am not saying it is wrong/right for Indian women to exclude Indian men, but why would a desi dude marry someone who is not (and cannot be) attracted to them? Clearly she was OK with having flings with dudes she had no intention of marrying, but desi dudes are not worth it unless she is getting the social benefits of marriage? Disaster in the making….

  33. I think her past history should give any prospect cause for concern. Not because she has a history, but because it does not include Indian men. I am not saying it is wrong/right for Indian women to exclude Indian men, but why would a desi dude marry someone who is not (and cannot be) attracted to them? Clearly she was OK with having flings with dudes she had no intention of marrying, but desi dudes are not worth it unless she is getting the social benefits of marriage? Disaster in the making….

    I’ve not read the book. Does she state that she only dated/slept with non-Indian men?

    In that case she would be like the desi men qoutes in #74 above;

    There are no left-over men looking for a ABD Girl in her 30s. Most of these men went to India and married a pretty girl who cooks like his mom.

    Is it common for desi guys to sleep around with non-desi women and then go to Desh when they are ready to settle down with nice Indian girls who know how to cook like mom and who do not have a (known) dating history?

    If so, is it because they feel they would have a better chance at a lifelong, divorce-free, affair-free marriage relationship with DBD women?

    Perhaps Jain then feels the same but in the reverse???

    Yet none good enough to settle down with? Oh wait, you must be one of those for whom no one is good enough.

    I’ve met several who are good enough. I’m not ready to settle down yet. Still need to sow a few wild oats. Plus, I’m still in my early thirties, a bit too young to bow out of the game.

  34. Single and Lovin It

    PG, please find yourself a sacrificial lamb so you will have something or someone to do other than engaging in the weird fabulistic exhibitionism you seem to revel in.

  35. I see the PC police is at work. Ah, well…..

    Col. Jessep: You can’t handle the truth! – A Few Good Men

  36. Ayup. It’s not so much about PC as it is about civility. Keep the language decent, you can make your point in other ways.

  37. I think her past history should give any prospect cause for concern. Not because she has a history, but because it does not include Indian men. I am not saying it is wrong/right for Indian women to exclude Indian men, but why would a desi dude marry someone who is not (and cannot be) attracted to them? Clearly she was OK with having flings with dudes she had no intention of marrying, but desi dudes are not worth it unless she is getting the social benefits of marriage? Disaster in the making….

    Maybe she just didn’t have the opportunity to date desi men? I don’t know, but I think it’s unfair to jump to the conclusion straightaway that she simply wasn’t attracted to them.

    Ayup. It’s not so much about PC as it is about civility. Keep the language decent, you can make your point in other ways.

    I apologise, but the comments to this blog post tread down a very familiar path that oddly members of the masculine gender are not subject to. It is frustrating to see the same reactions time and time and again, that women who sleep around must be lacking in character, frankly that is nobody’s business. I do apologise for the wording of my post though.

    You are wasting your time talking about values to degenerate europeans.

    Degenerate, but sophisticated! I hereby declare that the invitation for charming handsome American desi men to frolic in Roman fountains and discuss philosophy with me is open 😉

  38. You are wasting your time talking about values to degenerate europeans.

    Excuse me! These are desis, not europeans, being talked to and about.

    In any case, that statement is very un-pc. Values are values across the board, Indo, Euro, whatever-o.

    Although different cultures have differing values, Europeans also d not hold men or women who cheat on their spouses in high regard.

    Although a single person who has an affair with a married one does carry some of the blame, the married is the one who is responsible for being faithful to their spouse.

    I don’t applaud Jain for having affairs with married men, however, the married men are more culpable, by virtue of being married in the first place. The responsibility to resist temptation rests on their shoulders, not her’s.

  39. Ah but dear PG, these boards are not merely populated by that species of desi that hails from America…and even the degenerate Europeans are put off by your shameless generalisations and exhibitionism.

  40. 87 · Meena said I apologise, but the comments to this blog post tread down a very familiar path that oddly members of the masculine gender are not subject to. It is frustrating to see the same reactions time and time and again, that women who sleep around must be lacking in character, frankly that is nobody’s business. I do apologise for the wording of my post though.

    To be fair I think the PC police comment was directed towards me. While there was nary a word remotely indecent in my deleted post, I daresay it would have caused you much distress!

  41. A woman who has had sex in the past – and not just with long-term boyfriends

    Do they exist any other way?

  42. I am not saying it is wrong/right for Indian women to exclude Indian men,

    It’s not right or wrong, but make no mistake about what personality traits it exposes, namely, self-hatred and self-denial.

  43. Before being smacked with the ‘double-standard’ label, I wonder how many ABD men (let alone DBD men) are truly comfortable with this for their potential wife. Just curious

    Why qualifiy it? It seems to me as the ultimate paradox. We as human beings want other human beings that are high quality, and those high quality individuals, will be in high demand (ie wanted by others). yet we shriek in horror when the person we want has been with many people, when indirectly, that’s the very same reason we want them. (because we know others do)

    I remember going to a club w/ female friend that was very clingy. My value instantly tripled that night, women were giving me stares that would have otherwised given me the “social f*ck off”

    So, assume every person you want has been wanted by countless others.

  44. Ah but dear PG, these boards are not merely populated by that species of desi that hails from America…and even the degenerate Europeans are put off by your shameless generalisations and exhibitionism.

    Translation?

  45. am not saying it is wrong/right for Indian women to exclude Indian men,
    It’s not right or wrong, but make no mistake about what personality traits it exposes, namely, self-hatred and self-denial.

    Maybe it just means she’s had bad experiences with desi men, or perhaps she has tried to date desi men but they did not show much interest in her??? Or maybe she’s attracted to white or black men, or, or, or.

    There could be so many reasons besides self-hatred or self-denial.

  46. Maybe it just means she’s had bad experiences with desi men, or perhaps she has tried to date desi men but they did not show much interest in her??? Or maybe she’s attracted to white or black men, or, or, or

    All of those reasons don’t justify exclusion. Exclusion means an independent rule-set has been established, and deductive reasoning

    Usually when women who say “they’ve had bad experiences with desi men” and draw a conclusion that any future desi men they meet are to be approached with caution, have internal biases.

    By extension, all the bad experiences they’ve had have also been with men, so why not draw the sound conclusion of all men being negative, and have exclusionary attitudes towards them? Furthermore, if gender roles are socialized and men and women have no inherent behavioral traits or ‘ways of looking at the world’ (as many women would like to believe), the argument of women are drawn to men naturally is nullified.

    No, the only rationale for drawing a rule-based conclusion of all desi-men being negative, and hence adopting an exclusionary attitude is a degree of self-hatred, or at the very least, an attitude of Indian-ness being fundamentally lower as far as social-agility is concerned.

  47. “an attitude of Indian-ness being fundamentally lower as far as social-agility is concerned.”

    unless you marry Rushdie

  48. I know many desi girls who will hit it with just about any gora who looks their way, but completely shut it off with a desi dude! But I gotta agree with HMF about the ‘social agility’ aspect of it. Speaking from experience, it’s so much easier to be socially agile with a gori partner and explore literally all its exciting nooks and corners together, than it is with a desi partner. And that has got to be a tremendous high, and very hard to give up if one gets hooked on it!

  49. but desi dudes are not worth it unless she is getting the social benefits of marriage?

    Brilliant insight. completely reinforces the claim I was making about many Indian women (certainly this one) having a clear internal bias toward Indian men being “nice guy provider types.”