A guy wrote the following letter to the “Dear Prudence” column at Slate.com:
I am a 25-year-old Indian-American who has been in this country since I was 5. I started dating a Caucasian classmate four and a half years ago in college. The romance bloomed, and we are still together. She is kind, loving, beautiful, and a great inspiration. I see us together for the rest of our lives. There is only one problem: My parents are very traditional Indians and have told me since I was a young boy that they wanted me to have an arranged marriage, and if I did “bring home an American girl” that they would disown me. After two years, I told them about the relationship, and they were rightfully hurt and upset I’d kept it a secret. They say now that they were “joking” about disowning me and that I should have come to them. But it is close to three years later, and my girlfriend has still never met my parents. I greet holidays with a sense of dread because I feel pulled in two different directions. Even when I bring her up in conversation, they quickly change the subject or just walk away. They say that my relationship is just “a phase” and that I will “come to my senses.” I also feel a sense of embitterment from my girlfriend for being completely shunned by her potential in-laws. My parents have told me that they will accept my girlfriend when we become engaged, but by then I fear that their attempt to build bridges will be too little, too late. I know that my parents love me and want the best for me, but is there anything I can do to unharden their hearts? (link)
Prudie’s advice in response to this was pretty good, I thought (read the column to see). But I was wondering — what would you tell this person? Would it be better for him to push his parents, and demand they accept his girlfriend, or is it better to kind of wait and see (until, say, getting engaged)? Do parents really mean it when they say “we’ll disown you,” or is it just something they say?
Finally, do people have experiences of their own along these lines they want to share?
Gotta disagree with this one…culture consists of some many things, and anyone here, no matter how sincere, loses parts of it. If someone gets married outside, still more parts are lost, since couples naturally focus on things that are common to both. A few things remain — things that are very, very important (maybe visits to the temple) or because it turns out to be fun for both (movies), but others fall victim to the unavoidable compromise (such as rules for cooking, fasting days, etc)
When a child comes into picture, a reasonable compromise is to teach the child aspects of both cultures, but since time is limited, and because the environment is different (the lingua france of the household is hardly likely to be the desi mother/father tongue), the kid grows up with only a shell of the culture.
On the other hand, with someone from the same background, the cultural commonalities are reinforced, the environment provided is similar to the one the parents were brought up in and there is a lesser need to compromise and the loss of parts of culture is usually much slower.
Marrying outside definitely leads to a loss of culture and ought to be worrisome for parents. But at the end of the day, this loss may well worth the happiness of being with someone you are in love with it (especially if your culture did not mean all that much to you to begin with.)
95 · Janeofalltrades said
me mum was married when she was 24, got her PhD after when running a house and raising kids (just contextualizing what 23 could mean for DBD girls otherwise).
this only applies when the parents aren’t involved enough to make it happen. i have a close friend, and her husband is white and is so into the desi culture., they have three kids, all of whom speak urdu. all three kids go to islamic school, celebrate all the holidays and take regular trips to pakistan. and their father is involved in all of these activities. this worked because both parents had the mi ndset that they wanted their kids to know pakistani culkture and islam, and then actively made that happen. those kids are far more desi than many kids of two desi parents.
plus, i know plenty of abd guys who know zilch about the culture – except maybe food. they would be of no help in teaching my children about the language, the customs, the country, the religion – whatever. that is exactly what spurred me to write about the importance of valuing culture – if you’re somebody who grew up in a desi household and has no interest in partaking in any desi culture, how can you translate that to your kids – just because you have brown skin? if you say that, e.g., the guy’s parents can help out, well, then it sort of defeats the point of marrying bronw – i think one set of desi grandparents are enought to fulfill that role. yes, it’s harder when only one parent is brown, but it’s nowhere near impossible when you have the right partner who values the importance of your culture and passing it on to the kids.
Gruhasthu,
My question wasn’t do you read the Gita. My point is that there are a lot of people out there who claim to be very religious or cultural when they don’t even practice their religion or culture properly. I would think it is really sad that you put such stringent requirements on your kids marrying a Hindu when you yourself don’t know the intricacies of Hinduism…its hypocrisy.
You say that Hinduism is about the stories, the festivals and the food and it absolutely is. And so what is your point? You’re telling me that your experience in eating a ladoo during Ganesh puja is less enhanced if your kid marries a non-Hindu! Or are you saying the morals of a story like the Ramayana are diminished if they fall upon a non-Hindu son-in law or daughter in law. Sorry but I think its a load of BS.
this, likely, will not be the lingua franca between two abds. nor many dbds – either here or back home.
Mine ran off and got married at 19, had me at 21 and became a surgeon after. I think these are exceptions rather than norms. 🙂 Most desi parents today would rather their 23 year old finish education get established in a career before getting married and starting a family.
91 · Janeofalltrades said
By loving someone from another religion, wouldn’t he be projecting what would bring him happiness on to me? And by asking I accept that, wouldn’t he be forcing me to conform?
The above is just a rhetorical exercise. My whole point is that people feel the way they feel. Don’t be bitter if your parents disown you – you are the one who made the choice to trigger that reaction from your parents. Move on and be happy with your spouse. This whole ‘my parents don’t understand’ hand-wringing is futile.
Today I am thinking that if my kid marries someone outside of my way of life, I’ll be polite to him and his family, but that special bond I wish to have with them will no longer be there. That’s how I feel today – who knows what the next 30 years brings.
I’m surprised–in a good way–that so many others are in, have been in, or know other South Asians who are in biracial relationships.
I’m 26 and have yet to be in a relationship at all (ah, the curse of being “the female friend”), but because I’ve already gone through the typical 1st/2nd-generation years-long drama over my decision to ditch computer science in favor of graphic design, that’s helped me build a much more mature relationship with them, including a lot of reciprocal respect. And I grew up with virtually no brown friends and without visiting India till college, so I’ve grown accustomed to doing my own thing, and they like my international group of friends a lot. Now that I’m over The Age Threshold, they’d be happy with pretty much whoever I bring home–and I feel very fortunate and grateful for that.
All right, here’s my take, as someone who is in a similar situation and goes through it on a day by day basis. I am also 25, but female ;).
1 – If someone is seriously committed to the health of their relationship, both with their parents and with their significant other, I do not understand why it would take two years to let your parents know…especially when you’re a man. My desi sisters and brothers here know that there are some double standads in our culture, and that usually men have a little more flexibility in their lives when it comes to dating, especially when they are in their twenties. I understand a year (figuring out if it is a phase, or even a connection, etc), but TWO??? I’m surprised his girl friend let it keep going for this long….they must really love each other, because that would drive some couples nuts (lol). My boyfriend was very understanding, but after I met his parents on multiple occassions, it was clear I needed to get things moving on my end.
2 – I disagree with the columnist, somewhat. I think she was brilliant in comparing this boy’s struggle to the struggles of those before him (my boyfriend’s parents are mixed…one is Catholic, the other Jewish), and trust me, a lot of the same issues are at play, no matter the culture. Homeboy, however, should not bring the girl home for the first time during the holidays, for an extensive period of time. Can you imagine how a girl would feel to be at the house of your boyfriend’s parents who wanted nothing to do with you for more than a 12 hour period? Does he want her to prematurely gray? Does the columnist?
3 – The NYT did some reporting on men when they age, and the increase of estrogen that happens when men age, and how it does a lot to calm down tempers too. The articles were more in the context about fathers who decided to have another child in a second or third marriage later in life, and how the rearing styles are different. I think this goes for desi parents…to a degree. I think the older parents get, the more and more relaxed they become. Hence, they told this boy they would disown him 10-15 years ago, but aren’t necessarily saying the same thing today. He may be pleasantly surprised if he just took the initiative.
4 – As anyone who knows me knows, my parents are pretty hard strict, and very much into Sikhism. 90 percent of my childfood friends told me they ‘feared’ my parents. And honestly, my dad still has the ability to install fear in every iota of my being. However, I was lucky and took an approach, which to some extent, was very successful.
I enlisted the support of my sibling….I have friends who have gone through this situation and did not have the support of their sister/brother. In my case, I did, and it really helped, because he fought for me. My brother met my boyfriend after we dated for 4 months, and it helped my boyfriend become more comfortable with me, my family and the eventual thought of meeting my parents.
I had the first meeting only last a few hours, for the sake of both parties.
I also set up a meeting situation in which my parents could see that just how much my boyfriend wanted to understand our culture and way of life. I had just moved into my apt with my bro, and we wanted to do a path (prayer) to mark the ocassion. We just read Sukhmani Sahib, and my boyfriend joined my family, and read along with a romanized version. (Yes, he really is that amazing). While my parents still aren’t happy with our relationship, that did a great deal to show them that this wasn’t some creep, but a genuinely good person with good intentions. My mother actually asks me how my boyfriend is doing….she also mentions that she’d like him to convert or asks about Sikhs boys all the time, but hey, she’s progressing.
5 And most importantly, he needs to stay strong and make sure that him and his lady keep having fun, and not only dwell on this. Having a positive mentality will help him navigate this tough situation! And make sure the girl even wants to stay with him….lol.
Gruhasthu: time changes many things. And your child isn’t even 2 years old–it’s way too early to make these kinds of decisions and assumptions!
The more you get to know him and the more he grows into his own, the more I think things will change. You’re totally within your rights to set whatever guidelines you see fit as a parent, but you live in the west, where many cultures meet and mingle, and there are so many possibilities, both positive and negative. There’s no way you can truly know already. You have to be flexible.
i hope so. it seems that right now you are just thinking of your child as an extension of you, rather than as an individual. plus, the more you get to know your child and understand them, the harder it will be to cut them off so easily. and in the end, i’m not sure that cutting them off for such a thing (or for almost anything, really) shows the true sign of a parent – in the end, isn’t your child’s happin ess more important than your own? i think it’s rather selfish to have a child in the first place, much less to raise them in a specific way according to your own preferences rather than their own – unless they do something like killing somebody, perhaps you can balance the selfishness by accepting them for who they are and their (hopefully well-thought out) decisions.
like i said, it would be hypocritical to have certain reactions to situations you wittingly or unwittingly brought on yourself by remaining in america – if desi and hindu culture are so high on your list, it doesn’t make sense that you are raising your children in an environment that is neither. have you ever considered moving back?
I remember last year how this one Hindu girl dated this crazy Bangli Muslim dude in Southern California. The girl broke up with this guy because of parental pressure. So this guy ganged up with some eastern euro’s and killed her family (father, sister, and left the mother in a coma). Luckily, the girl was in her dorm in some decent college in CA. Once again, Indian parents should butt out of relationships (even if it’s a Hindu/Muslim relationship). What’sgoing to end up happening is the girl/guy will have an affair if a marriage is arranged. Slowly, but steadily, Indian parents are realizing this. I’m glad my grandfather let my uncle marry an American girl; they have mixed children, but I’m assume they’re going to be heavy drinkers (half Irish..haha).
I’m a malayalee female married to a 1/2 caucasian, 1/2 vietnamese male. My parents never said anything to me about having to marry someone Indian, although my mom would occasionally say, “It would be easier to date someone with a similar background.” In my dating years, I dated guys with several different ethnic backgrounds, including Indian guys, but didn’t introduce any of them to my parents. My parents were aware of some, but not all, of them. The lack of introductions had nothing to do their race, but rather the fact that I knew at a gut level that these other guys weren’t going to be in for the long haul. My thinking at the time was “why bother?” Likewise, I didn’t introduce them to my husband until after we had been dating a year and I knew that this relationship would be a serious one. My parents liked him from the start and our racial differences have never been an issue with anyone in my immediate or extended family.
I think the author of the letter needs to man up and start bringing his girlfriend around more often if he is really serious about a future with her.
If someone has said this already, I apologize for the repetition: The worst case scenario–the actual state of being disowned, if it ever comes to that–is not the end of the world. People survive; life goes on.
Such separation seems to actually be a good thing for some families; both sides seem to come around and start fresh. Families that don’t come around–the ones in which egos are bigger than hearts–seem to have deep-rooted, dysfunctionality issues that go back a long time; sometimes even more than a couple of generations. In which case maybe the children need to step back and assess realistically what family legacy they want to take with them into their future and what to leave behind.
114 · Malathi said
Well said. We should always treat our parents with respect, but that’s a two way street. Some relationships are toxic.
We had a “cooling off period.” They came around a few months later. But if he hadn’t “man-up” so to speak, I wonder if they ever would have….
my quote didn’t work so well….
I just spend an hour or so reading all these comments and frankly I’m happy to see that there are others out there who think like me. And I have something to add that I have not yet seen!
I am a malayalee girl (23, actually 24 today, need to get used to that) and I have been dating my Caribbean boyfriend for over 5 years. So not only is he not indian, he looks black which is absolutely not acceptable!
Although my parents knew about him and had met him earlier in the relationship, they had made it loud and clear that he was not someone they were going to accept as they future son-in-law. Since they were not supportive of the relationship, I decided to keep dating him ‘secretly’. We are both in graduate school and hope to get married some day with my parents approval of him. So I decided to bring up this issue with them last month AGAIN. The said/did a lot of things that some of you mentioned. They threatened to suicide because they couldnt bare the embarrassment of having to deal with the indian community and not to mention having to tell the rest of the family who are still in india.
When I pointed out to them they were being racist, they said it was not that but the FACT that an interracial marriage would never last, because THEY have never seen one that was successful. Never mind that have seen several successful once and never mind there are arranged marriages that don’t make it either.
As a protest for a month they have not taken care of their health and both of them are becoming physically ill. BUT they have come to the point where they told me to do whatever I pleased (Translation-we dont want you do this but if you want to KILL us and be with him, so be it!)
My boyfriend has been very understanding of the situation all these years and I told him from the begining that this was not going to be easy. He was born and raised in a society where inter-racial marraiges are the norm so sometimes he does have difficulties understanding the situation. However, he does not want me to distance myself from my parents.
It has not been easy and I would like for my parents to be by my side as I get thought my life. But I dont know how to get through to them!
111 · ak said
That’s exactly the reason why my wife and I have been thinking about these things now. We want to make the decision to move back home before he starts developing bonds and associations with the US.
But no matter where we raise him, he will probably end up gravitating to the West. He has American citizenship and so does his mom. So, even when we move to desh, the question of non-desi hindu son/daughter-in-law doesn’t go away.
104 · kohlgirl said
Wow. That’s too much aggression.
A way of life doesn’t sustain itself if people keep leaving it. I want to do my part in keeping something I cherish going strong. My worry is that a non-Hindu son/daughter-in-law will lessen the probability of that happening at least to a certain extent. They may appreciate the morals of Ramayana, but there is a very high likelihood that they won’t.
The worst case scenario–the actual state of being disowned, if it ever comes to that–is not the end of the world. People survive; life goes on.
There is something worst then being disowned called honor something, that some south asian women had done to them in Canada and England. I’m amazed that no one has even brought that issue up yet.
You are right. That is perhaps the worst family-dysfunctionality scenario too.
With respect, I disagree; it’s not at all the same. Parents and children have different obligations towards each other — part of being a parent is accepting that your child has the right to be his/her own person. It’s not a matter of seeing things from the parents’ perspective; parents who believe that they should be able to expect that their child follow a certain religion, marry one kind of person — IMHO those are simply not legitimate expectations. Human maybe, but not valid. I don’t buy that kids “hurt their parents” argument; the parents might indeed be hurt, but that doesn’t mean the kids’ choices are in any way blameworthy. A controlling parent’s attitude is very blameworthy, however.
Moreover, the power dynamic between parents and children is totally different — how many children try to control their parents lives?
I realise you’re taking some criticism for your views and I’d like to add that I think it’s human nature to want your children to be a certain way. But I still disagree.
I have to be honest that I’m somewhat jealous of all the people that have the option of being who they want to be with. I wish I was given that option in my life, but I guess it was not meant to be.
This is REALLY interesting. I’m coming on on this numerous posts down (which will take awhile to read- sorry folks- I do promise…) I had a similar situation and may find myself (again) in a similar situation. I married a North African after several years of being together off and on. IN the beginning the very Catholic parents felt very uncomfortable and I was asked why I hated Parent X so much that I would do this. (LOVED this question…). Was told should said boyfriend come to visit/stay/etc. would no longer be welcome in family residence. Ended up going to North Africa where met his family- who were none to keen on me at first either- however, helped I don’t smoke and am not a big drinker. We got married there and came back. Done deal. Parents thawed considerably when they saw how considerate he was to my grandmother and helpful to dad. So… it can work out with some bending/compromise. Now, find myself in a slightly different situation. Parents like current person, but I currently don’t exist for said person’s family (for various reasons). It may or may not come to the point where I will at least become a named entity, but I wonder about the reception as well.
As an incidental side note, Hindus do not believe in the idea of “converting to Hinduism”. I always am surprised to see the recent wave of Hindu fundamentalism has embraced the very Jewish/Christian/Islamic notion of conversion.
A lady seems to have created a blog devoted to this topic.
I just saw this posting, and I have not yet read the other comments so I apologise if I just end up repeating what others have written. I am an Indian-American who has been in this country since 3 and am married to a Caucasian man whom I met in college as well about 18 years ago. I did not tell my parents about him for the first 2 years that we dated because I was scared. Rightly so, because when I did, it was horrible. Unfortunately, I had to go back to secrecy for many more years. My now husband was always kind and patient but understandably hurt. Eventually we just decided to marry without their blessing. My parents did come to the wedding. Ten years of marriage and 2 children later I am still struggling with them a little, but they are wonderful to him. Every now and then they will make a statement about my rebelliousness and make hurtful comments about my childrens’ non-Indian appearance, but they have come a long way. My advice to people in similar situations is to try to not resent your parents for their lack of flexibility. They are trying to hold on to the culture through their children, and want their kids to make the same kind of sacrifices that they made. Just remind them that you love them and respect them but also have found a partner in life who makes you whole. What parent would not want that for their child ?
At some point, that generation have to learn that they can’t sulk and object when their children decide to marry someone outside their ridiculously narrow and parochial and ‘traditional’ idea of whom they want their children to marry.
As long as their children don’t bring home criminals or people that will abuse them they have to learn and understand that they are just going to have to learn to live with the choices that their kids make. And it has to be said — if they can’t do that, why did they bother coming half way across the world to bring their children into a society in which they are free to choose what makes them happy? There is so much misery in India because of the restrictions placed on the hearts of individuals by their families. Importing those dysfunctions to the new world is the way to misery and tragedy. It’s time they changed, not the kids.
Gruhasthu- I’m not trying to be aggressive. I’m trying to show you that your attitude may someday serve to become a separating factor with your children and cause a lot of hell and drama that is not necessary.
And as for your belief that, “A way of life doesn’t sustain itself if people keep leaving it”…Hmmm, I’m pretty sure that the millions of Hindus living in India (not to mention everywhere else in the world) will be able to sustain Hinduism just fine on their own if your son or daughter wishes to marry the person they love. After all, in the words of my priest, Hinduism and religion is about love, just love.
I may be speaking out of turn here, but “family” religious practices tend to be a mutual decision, one would hope. If one marries a non-whatever, and that person expresses no interest or willingness whatsoever to explore your beliefs, well, you get what you get. But it has been my experience if each is willing to meet the other half-way, eventually both religions can co-exist in the household with some accommodation. And if you are minority religion in a dominant culture that goes a long way in helping things to go well.
Gruhasthu,
Imposing your conservative values may backfire on your children. I’ll tell you right now what I’ve seen during my college years in regards to Indian students and arranged marriage (I’m 21 by the way). I know this one Patel girl whose parents are very strict. Her parents are arranging her or she has to marry a Hindu. So what does she do? She sleeps around like crazy…she’s a rundi/whore. I know this one Muslim guy too that does the same exact thing since he’s arranged to a girl that he doesn’t love. They smoke a gratuitous amount of pot, drugs, etc. These are only two examples. I could name a bunch of examples for you. Indian kids my age have a lot of problems because of people like you. I just want to tell you how it is. There’s a high chance your children will rebel against you.
Agree completely. Not all Indian kids though, because on balance I think most people get through it. But there are some parents who lay down some serious complexes on their kids and it ends in misery and some tragic levels of estrangment. I’m talking about things like this one guy I know who married a white girl he loved, a girl who was really sweet and respectful of Indian culture and religion, but his father disowns him, and two years later dies of a heart attack and the last thing he calls out is his sons name. Sounds like a Bollywood movie, but its true, this kind of shit happens. Life is too short for this, any of it.
And in my experience, mixed race kids often grow up to be as much, if not even more appreciative and proud of their Indian culture and identity than straight up desis. You can’t hold it back. You should make your culture accepting and keep them in your fold. The Jewish community is dealing with this too. Orthodox Jews don’t accept mixed Jews as Jewish whilst liberal or reform Jews do.
Open your hearts. It is possible to maintain your culture and religion whilst accepting others into your family.
Not to hate on Gruhasthu too much — I can understand where he’s coming from to a certain extent. As a minority in a dominant culture, it is frightening to think of losing your children, of losing your identity, what some people call ‘assimilation anxiety’ and I don’t think its just Indians who fear this.
“Oh, those threats to disinherit you? Haha, just kidding! Hey, why so serious?”
Growing up in that household must have sucked more than words can describe, but looking on the bright side, Curry Fry guy can alway break the ice at parties with, “Hey, did you know my parents were the ones who coached Heath Ledger for his role as the Joker?”
I had a reverse situation. My parents were very accepting of my caucasian husband, planned the wedding, welcomed him into our family with open arms. My in-laws wanted nothing to do with me, did not come to the wedding, and only acknowledged me a few months after the wedding, when they came out over the Easter break for a visit. Talk about awkward. It took me a very long time to forgive them, though they would never know that I held a grudge. I still get angry thinking about it. My advice to the write would be to just go ahead and live your life. The parents will come around. Don’t ruin a good thing with your fiancee/girlfriend! But it will be hard, especially on your girlfriend. Hopefully she has a kinder heart than I do!
and you have done that – by yourself following your religion and marrying somebody who, presumably, believes in the same. however, your son does not have to – he will have his own preferences, that may or may not line up with yours, whether or not he is raised here or in india. obviously, raising him back home increase the chances of him following hinduism, but in the end, it’s not guaranteed, and it’s not really up to you. you have a right to live your life as you see fit, but it’s not up to you how your children choose to lead theirs. this is more of a generational thing than anything – times change and people with them.
must say i haven’t read this in its entirety, so sorry for any redundancy, but it seems like most folks are on the same page — parents need to get over themselves and their perceived “right way” and just hope that their kids lead happy, healthy lives however they choose.
for those who disagree, tell us that you’ve NEVER done anything against YOUR parents’ wishes, (e.g. moving away from home for college, living in the WEST for 14 years, raising their grandson so far from grandparents, calling mom “near-illiterate” and therefore not intelligent enough to talk to wife, how is that love for mom, etc., etc.) sorry, got off track…
kudos to those of you who stick to your guns, at the end of the day everyone ends up happier, especially if there are grandchildren involved!!
112 · Rahul S said
Sounds like the boyfriend in this case has some serious aggression/mental issues. What if they married and the husband turned his aggression or went psycho on her in a heated moment? Who knows. It looks like her parents might have sensed that this guy was a bit off. That is a very tragic case for everyone, including the killers. I don’t know if her parents/family made the guy go off the deep end for that matter. It’s a mystery, I guess.
Interracial marriages are a beautiful thing, and if my young daughter decides to bring home a sane (key word here is sane) non Desi boyfriend 9 or 10 years from now, I am cool with that. (She is forbidden to date/go steady until she’s 18 if I get my way. Most young teens don’t have the maturity to deal with intimacy & relationships, in my opinion.)
We are good friends with a family that has two moms. She’s very understanding and mentioned she would love to live with her best friends like that. After meeting them for the first time, she said, “When I grow up, me and Sarah are going to live in the same house too.” I went crazy. I immediately stopped her and corrected her by saying, “NO!!! You should say Sarah AND I are going to live in the same house!” Whatever lifestyle she chooses, her grammar will be proper. (Seriously, she is still an innocent child and has no idea/understanding of alternative ways of living, etc, etc. yet she challenges me and her Appa about whether a radio wave or a sound wave can travel through a Bose Einstein condensate, do plant cells get infected with viruses and can those viruses infect human cells, compose a hilarious limerick on the spot,etc. Sorry for the digression. I guess I’m a proud Macaca mama.) Although as a first grader, she used to chase these 3 cute African American boys from her class all through recess on a daily basis. (They played tag and the little boys never let her tag them. Oh, the drama of childhood.) So I don’t see signs of her being “on the other team” after growing up. Not that there is anything wrong with that (apologies to Seinfeld)…
Oops, I better correct my own grammar. I should have typed in “Interracial marriages are beautiful.”
I guess the point is that kids have a tendency to go their own way. It is best to let them decide who they want to live with for the rest of their lives. As long as they don’t choose a Nazi as a life partner.
One of the reasons (there are many) why parents act this way is that they sometimes fear about things not working out (stories about divorces etc in Amreeka) and their much-loved son being left unloved and alone in this world. I am not sure exactly how one can defuse this particular issue, but one of the ways is to demonstrate that the two of you do love each other and are in it for the long haul. Having an engagement would surely help. If they raise a few objections, and you continue to capitulate to them, it can send out a signal that you are not really sure yourself. That needs to be avoided.
As to making them meet the girl, I think it would better to try it out in neutral settings to begin with. If you take her to their home unannounced, it can precipitate an entirely avoidable crisis (tantrums, insults etc.).
As the great poet said: Rahiman dhaaga prem ka, mat todo chhitkay; Toote se fir na judey, judey gaanth pad jaay. [Don’t break the thread of love, tying it again creates a knot]. Better to avoid that sort of break.
Kohlgirl,
To your boyfriends parents argument about getting sanction from the Gita, let them know about the Mahabharata episode of Brahmin girl marrying Kshatriya boy – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yayati
Of course you can annoy them even further by reminding them that one of the 8 wives of Krishna was a she-bear, not only a different caste or community, but another species! 😛 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jambavati
Gita- That is so funny you brought up the story of Yayati because after his mother’s rant about the Gita, I did some internet research and I found the story. So I mentioned it to my boyfriend who in turn brought it up to his parents. The result? Deaf ears. His mother’s response was that his drinking and dating were against the Hindu religion so who was he to teach her about religion?
My theory is that his mom knows very little about the Gita and was just throwing that out there to scare me because she knows I’m religious, lol. She has used every excuse in the book as a reason for why our relationship shouldn’t work, including that my parents would be really upset (which they are not) and even that her son is a very bad person. Honestly, when people are as stubborn as they are, it probably wouldn’t matter if God himself appeared in front of them and blessed the relationship.
Thanks for trying to help though : )
/aside to JoAT – this brings back memories of Leena and Princess. It’s great how things have worked out for both of them.
Yes, folks, there is such a thing as happily ever after!
<>
I liked that bit from Prudie but the rest of her advice sucks.
This is not about Feelings– it’s something more sinister. I’d say to this kid, Hey Curry and French Fries, don’t call yourself that, Buddy, and don’t make your GF crash your parents’ house. Instead, go your own way and invite your parents first to your engagement party, then to your wedding, and eventually to your house, especially after you have a child– and hope her parents don’t give you the Treatment.
Agree with Malathi and totally sympathize with bombaygirl– I was exactly in your shoes but as calcuttachick, athough the mother and brother did come to the Desi wedding and staged a church ceremony of their own years later. My Swedish FIL came around partially quite soon, but the beastly old Swedish MIL never did, despite all the attempts to mingle and make up. Instead, she tried to pull her son’s money from under him, assaulted me, so I had no option but to beat her up, send her home and stop talking/visiting for three years. Later, she set me up for a car accident (I totaled our minivan but lived, as you can tell) and finally, she waited till the Old Man had kicked to start attacking the marriage big time, seventeen years on, with a lot of moolah to hand. I kid you not. Now, however, she has shriveled up and will end slowly and painfully, no doubt. To look on the bright side, I always knew just who my friends were.
gappa, you’re lucky nobody had made Harold and Kumari when you were out dating your Korean BF.
I meant this bit from Prudie:
More likely they’ll stick someone else in the tandoor.
143 · kohlgirl said
That’s interesting because (traditionally) Ksatriyas are not precluded from drinking. If your BF’s mother was even half educated about the Hindu scriptures as she claims to be, she’d learn to keep her opinions to herself. WRT dating…what about the Amba episode in the Mahabharata? Even Rukmini and Krishna can be considered as long distance speed dating!!
Nothing pisses me off more than people who “claim” to act in tune to Indian scriptures, when their actions are a 180 degree flip from it!
Word to the third. It’s that exact quality that has been bringing me back for the past 3 years, not to mention the regular great writing, community building, and heads-up on artists I would otherwise never know about, all for free!
That is some serious Bollywood material, auntiji! This plays in my head as I imagine your escape from the clutches of the evil mother-in-law.
I agree. I’m in a college and I’m sure many of the desi parents would be shocked at what they’re kids are doing. There have been a few desi kids who were cited for underage-drinking and had to go to the college court. Two Muslim guys (who, btw, aren’t allowed to date at all) are dating Jewish girls. A DBD girl who came to the US four years ago is now dating a very Christian white boy. I could go on and on. My parents don’t have very many restictions on me (they don’t even believe in arranged marriage in the US!) and I don’t do anything “bad,” but that could just be my introverted personality… The one thing that does bug me about my father is that he says my brother can marry someone white, but I have to marry someone Indian. A bit sexist, don’t you think? But he hasn’t said that over the last couple of years, probably b/c I’ve finally called him a patriarchal sexist and he’s realized that I (mostly) don’t take anything he says seriously.
LMAO, I like how he says that his girlfriend is a Caucasian like he isn’t. He should have said his girlfriend is European American, or if she is blonde, then simply American. The fact the he grew up in America will explain his stupidity.
-Dave