Everyone wants a little Punjabi

I wish we were beyond this exasperating stupidity. Via TOIlet (no need to visit and catch a VTD, the entire article is quoted below:

Three-month-old Livya was rejected thrice by prospective Indian parents, who found her too dark. A year later, however, an American couple chose to adopt her and flew her to the US. She now lives with her parents and has two siblings — one from Korea and another from Vietnam.
Livya was lucky, but the story is not the same for other adoptable children. Many who are legally free for adoption continue to face discrimination as wannabe Indian parents look for a “fair and lovely” baby, though the law prevents one from picking and choosing babies for adoption.

Perhaps those overlooked children are better off without such complexion-obsessed parents. After all, there is always the Angelina effect (aside: once again, Madonna is associated with the word “wanna-be”):

But most foreign couples prefer children who are dark-skinned, older or with medical concerns, HIV positive and with special needs.

And here, the reason for my title (and the explanation for the painful noise my jaw made when it fell on my desk):

Secretary for the Central Adoption Resource Authority (CARA), O P Sirohe, says in-country adoptions have been encouraging and there is a long list of parents waiting. But still, they ask for fair-skinned, healthy and, preferably, Punjabi child as it is usually chubby. A child is no market commodity and adoptions become meaningful only when there is a change in people”s attitude, he says.

Preferably a Punjabi child. Wow. I love chubby babies, too (my Godson’s nickname wasn’t “The Pudgesicle” for nothing)…but this just makes my stomach twist. What are you adopting? A baby or an accessory? What does this even mean? That it’s too much work to feed your new kid butter-laced everything, so you can chub them up sufficiently yourself? “Honey, let’s go shopping for a baby on Saturday—I heard they have new Punjabi models in stock!” And to my Punjabi peeps…um…how do you feel about being objectified due to such a dubious distinction?

Foreign couples are more open to adopting any child, irrespective of its age, religion, skin colour or looks. Children who are older, with special needs and medical conditions are finding homes overseas, he says.
“NRIs and couples from Italy, Germany, US, Spain and Sweden take home kids with special needs. We place such children in Indian homes too, but they are an exception,” says Dr Aloma Lobo, chairperson, Adoption Coordinating Agency, Karnataka.

And thanggawd for it.

The following concern isn’t exclusive to India; American “waiting” children don’t have much luck when they are in their teens, either. Everyone wants a baby. And sometimes, a chubby one.

Another hurdle in the adoption of children is their age. For instance, Lakshmi, who is 13 years old, has still not found a home as her age is a major deterrent.

The law allows adoptions only up to the age of 12 (inter-country) and stipulates that the older parents age should not exceed 45. This is a setback as older children are not preferred by young couples and the older couples cannot adopt due to age limit.
It is quite a paradox as older couples have better financial status and parenting experience and can spend more time with the child, adoption agencies say.

When does this self-loathing end? I know people who have struggled with infertility; they just appreciate having a little kid to love. I can’t help but imagine the couples who rejected this infant. How does that thought process work? “Well, we can’t have a child of our own…but damn it if we settle for a dark one. We deserve more than that!”

So do babies like Livya. I hope her parents don’t tell her anything about this aspect of her past; I’m glad she was adopted by two people who looked at her and saw a toddler vs. a dark, undesirable object.

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Thanks for leaving this on the News Tab, duax0001.

180 thoughts on “Everyone wants a little Punjabi

  1. T-HYPE Thank you. I hope you are able to make this adoption agency you are talking about and I hope that those questions are on the FRONT DOOR of the agency. They should say if you answered yes to any of the questions DON’T COME IN.

    I think somebody would have to know or more likely be someone who is adopted and non white to know what adopted kids and more specifically adopted asian kids go through.

    Rahul obviously does not know anyone that is Asian / Desi that is adopted by someone who is not of the same ethnicity / race / heritage.

  2. This is not true. Asian kids adopted into white families do have problems. Documentary clip here. I think a lot of families are fooled by the fact that the kids have white skin. (Likewise, Google “russian”, “adoptees”, and “killed”.) It’s not just a black problem. I think the difference is, black people in general, for numerous reasons, are pitted against the majority (white) culture in far too many ways to count, and the language of that conflict has been reworked and rewoven into the American fabric for so long and in so many ways, it’s easy to give voice to it. Here’s another clip where an Asian guy talks about the distortion of beauty for as a transracial adoptee.

    Thanks, t-hype. That sounds like an interesting documentary, and I agree that cross-racial adoptions can be far more difficult in general. That said, it is exactly what you point out – the pitting of black people and culture against the majority white culture – that I think makes the problem and its perception more acute when people like Levitt choose to adopt.

    In any case, I was talking about the rationale behind individual parents adopting, not advocating a social policy that prevents all cross-racial adoptions, because I would think that for at least some of these kids, the fact that they have a home, even if it is imperfect in the ways you mention, might be better than complete abandonment (unless there’s data that establishes otherwise).

    Rahul obviously does not know anyone that is Asian / Desi that is adopted by someone who is not of the same ethnicity / race / heritage.

    Hey, did you look up the bios of my entire friends list on Facebook?

  3. not advocating a social policy that prevents all cross-racial adoptions, because I would think that for at least some of these kids, the fact that they have a home, even if it is imperfect in the ways you mention, might be better than complete abandonment (unless there’s data that establishes otherwise).

    t-hype,I don’t think this represents your position correctly at all (I was going by your “I don’t think most white people should adopt a non-white child.”), so scratch that. I fully agree with your statement here:

    Adoption is hard on kids and just as in parenting one’s biological children, it’s up to the parents to make the environment in which they raise their kids the most conducive to doing that. It means making sacrifices. For people used to being the majority who are parents of minority kids, it will mean putting themselves in situations where they are no longer the majority.

  4. Rahul,

    Not trying to start a word war but, if you know many adopted Desi / Asian people as you say are on your facebook page, have you ever talked to them about this? Are you still convinced that they don’t face the same problems regarding race? Maybe none of them want to talk about this.

  5. 153 · Rahul said

    e with your statement here:
    Adoption is hard on kids and just as in parenting one’s biological children, it’s up to the parents to make the environment in which they raise their kids the most conducive to doing that. It means making sacrifices. For people used to being the majority who are parents of minority kids, it will mean putting themselves in situations where they are no longer the majority.

    Agreed. It will be very hard for them to put themselves in their own country in a situation where they are not the majority AND not have the option to leave the situation.

  6. 154 · Raju Not trying to start a word war but, if you know many adopted Desi / Asian people as you say are on your facebook page, have you ever talked to them about this? Are you still convinced that they don’t face the same problems regarding race? Maybe none of them want to talk about this.

    I have a Korean-adoptee (by white parents) friend, who is (in my view) really unfairly critical of her adoptive parents/upbringing, etc. (She is quite successful/very well-educated, etc.) Basically, her gripe is that they didn’t do enough “Korean stuff.” Which seems kind of unrealistic to me. If they tried to be “Korean, “wouldn’t it be pretty “faux”? Korean culture has been pretty dynamic in the last 30 years. Just an anecdote, in one sense, but she is part of an online discussion group, where she reports that she finds fellow-thinkers, so while I’m not sure what the overall statistics are, she’s not alone–it totally puts me off of the trans-racial adoption notion in a practical sense, sorry to say.

  7. I think that krishna has always been described as dark-the color of midnight, “Shyam Sundar” (although shyam here means evening?) etc.

    shyam=dark (sanskritic origin) shaam=evening 🙂

  8. 142 · razib said

    assume heritability is 50%, that is, half the population level variation is due to genes of a trait.

    razib, is that an assumption or something we know to be empirically true?

  9. Hello Rob,

    When you say that it puts you off do you mean that you may have been thinking about adopting someone that didn’t look like you ?
    Its possible that maybe your Korean-adoptee friend maybe unfair in some ways to her parents. Its possible that this seemingly petty or not so serious complaint she has is the only way she knows how to voice her issues. Maybe there are deeper issues that she doesn’t know how to or want to verbalize. There are many adoptees from various Asian countries that aren’t in her position(quite successful/very well-educated) and they have worse problems. All problems in life can’t be blamed on parents whether or not adopted but, there are adoption specific problems and problems that stem from unsolved issues from the adoptee’s relationship with the parents / outside world.

    I agree with T-HYPE in that I believe MOST but not all white people should not adopt non white children. I agree that expecting the parents to “act” like they are Korean could be petty. Is the Korean supposed to act white ? (not ALL adoptive parents think like this / expect this) If you flip it the other way around though the problem is much more visible.

    I know that you didn’t mean to simplify it but its not as simple as the parents NOT doing Asian things. It might even be an American thing. If you look into Indian adoptions in Scandnavia and Australia it seems less like race is an issue. It may be like T HYPE states in the idea for 3 questions in that the adoptees have to face the world differently than their white parents and there are adoptive parents who are unwilling to or don’t even think to place themselves in situations where they would not be the majority. Some of them “don’t see color” and therefore excuse themselves from the issues while the adoptee is unable to excuse him or herself from the issues as the adoptee is faced with the issues every day of their life.

    There are too many issues to cover and specifying them almost seems to simplify the issues without really covering them. This maybe one of the reasons that the issues seem petty because the adoptee doesn’t know how to voice everything.

  10. portmanteau on March 5, 2008 07:21 PM · Direct link · “Quote”(?)

    142 · razib said

    assume heritability is 50%, that is, half the population level variation is due to genes of a trait.
    

    razib, is that an assumption or something we know to be empirically true?

    I have a purely statistical issue with razib’s statement. When there are only two variables – in this case, heritability and non-heritability – a probability of 50% is totally inconclusive. I would think that heritability would be greater than 50% or else all those genetic theories, affecting not just intellectual attributes but also physical, would be neither here nor there. Razib, please to explain.

  11. An interesting point was raised by Razib (#134) about the guarantee of intelligence in a biological child versus an adopted one. Since that is your field, Razib, I will defer to your judgment, but I would be very curious to know: a) the statistical probability of the parents’ IQ transmitting more or less intact to their biological children b) the net result of two different IQ levels – the husband’s and wife’s – and how the final mix is determined in the child c) and how do you feel about the eternal debate between nature and nurture, being a very gene-oriented thinker yourself.

    Floridian, there could be an explanation driven purely by nurture rather than nature. It is well established that several determinants of mental development and physical health are disproportionately influenced by the environment in the pre-natal stage and the first couple of years of the infant. It is true that this environment is less than ideal for some non-trivial number of children who have been given up for adoption. So, that might be one more reason to believe the IQ argument.

    (I am just debating this as a scientific exercise, personally, there are so many wildcards in the development of a child that this would not be a real factor for me when choosing adoption.)

  12. 14 · razib said

    it could be good because then they could teach it its own language, customs, etc. i know what you’re trying to say. but can we move beyond the idea that people are born with language, customs, etc. in their genes? mebee it’s the amerikan in me, but the whole concept seems noxious to me. do muslims in india only adopt “muslim” babies and hindus vice versa?

    good point. i guess you are right.

    but also, at the same time, the reason why i wrote what i wrote: i have a friend who is ethnically kenyan, and he was adopted by two white american parents. he had a good upbringing, was happy as a child, etc. but when he got older, he became curious about exploring his heritage. he just says that it would be easier for him to know about his parents’ background if he had parents who knew about it too.

    however, i suppose if his adoptive parents made an effort to learn about kenyan stuff, i guess that would have been alright as well (i’m not saying that they have to be kenyans themselves).

    i guess it all depends on the adopted person though. i’m certain that there are people who don’t really care/worry about these things much.

  13. 159 · Raju

    Raju, you make some good points. I’m not really aware of things at any level deeper than what I said in my earlier comment. I’m not in the adoption market myself, no, but I did raise the issue with white friends who were thinking of (and later did) adopt a girl from China (they said that they were aware of the issue, but that things were “done differently” today–not really sure what that means, and I let it drop at that–they seemed a bit edgy about the topic and I’m no expert on it)–again, it’s just an anecdote, but it’s painful to see such a (to me) successful person have such an antagonistic relationship with her (adoptive) parents over the race/culture issue.

  14. I think there is a problem in the U.S. with people differentiating between acknowledging differences and being racist. Because of this “i don’t see color” and “I’m color blind” are over used phrases that are all too often the end of discussion for adoptee / adoptive parents. Issues are never dealt with or end in arguments only. To bring up differences in adoption forums frequented by people hoping to adopt from India almost seems taboo as the most important issue is why is it taking so long for the adoption process to take place. Hardly ever are issues of race and when the child is older brought up. It takes more than camps and food. Desis are more than dances and food.

  15. 164 · Raju It takes more than camps and food. Desis are more than dances and food.

    ‘Amen’ to that!!!

  16. they’re Indian or Asian possibly Indian-American or Asian-American until they open their mouths or write down their names and then they are seen as … ?

    maybe it seems petty but if that’s not resolved then it might be something bigger. the hard discussions have to take place between the kid and the parent. not just when they are 5 but 10 , 16, 20 and on.

    in a country that is so obsessed with appearances and labeling. it is an issue. there are adoption studies that show that adoptees that don’t or can’t network with people who look like theirselves have social interaction issues and identity issues. There are probably people with friends that are adopted or children that are adopted that don’t see this as its not every single one and not everyone voices it.

  17. it’s painful to see such a (to me) successful person have such an antagonistic relationship with her (adoptive) parents over the race/culture issue.

    The gazillion conflicts between parental preferences and how children view or react to them (and they are of course exponentially magnified in transracial adoptions) are what scare the bejeezus out of me about the prospect of becoming a parent at some point in the (distant) future – enough that I might choose not to do it. Of course, if I am able to convince myself (and, of course, the unlucky spouse) that we won’t be a complete disaster as parents, my preference would be to adopt because I think there are far too many people in this world, and I don’t need to add to that mess.

    That said, in the specific case of one family I know, the parents made a very conscious effort to understand the (Chinese) culture of their adopted kids – in fact, they did this a full two years before they actually had the kids, and have since been quite engaged with various aspects of the local Chinese community etc., so it is something they have put very serious thought and action into.

  18. as someone who is in the adoption process (i am of bengali descent and my wife is a very lovely blond shrimpy german woman) i have to say that @137 · Floridian (“Adoption needs to be decoupled from altruism”) has it right.

    as part of our assessment process (we live in toronto) we went to and continue to go to lots of adoption seminars, where race is discussed, and handling a baby from a culture visibly other than your own. some of the stuff is a bit lame, as in utopian and such, but there is a genuine effort to explore some of the issues that the child and family may face if there is a serious disconnect in physical features (99% of the time we are speaking of skin colour here).

    one thing i have heard time and time again, at least in the discussion in these parts, is if you are adopting a child to “save” them, YOU SHOULDN’T ADOPT. PERIOD. you should adopt because you want to be a parent, whether for the first time or the 50th time, and know, or at least try and prepare for, how to do that.

    one of the things our social worker (who did our home study assessment and used to work in CARA, the central agency in india for adoption) said, was that a child has to be offered to a home at least 3x in india, and then to 2 person NRI families outside of india, and THEN they get to the families where one parent is of south asian descent. (hmm, i may have that wrong, it may be that they are offered 3x before the 1-south-asian-parent family but i don’t think so). and unfortunately yes, many children are passed over because they are too dark. a shame. but given what we, or at least I, know of south asian culture, not surprising at all. i saw this attitude all over the world, everywhere, in every society. (doesn’t make it right of course).

    meanwhile, we wait. our papers are in kolkata now. it was important to me to adopt a bengali child. i know there is a disconnect with the “i just want to be a parent” but i still feel that it is close enough to it to not be a saviour complex. yes, culture is learned. yes, it shouldn’t make a difference. yes, but nevertheless….ultimately this is a process whereby we confront a lot of our own prejudices and have to really assess what we “should” do and weigh that against what we can handle and what we desire. i had to accept some things about myself that I didn’t want to. but i did, and eventually found a place of peace about it.

    finally, props to my wife, even though OT: as a musician, i don’t have the money to support all the fees and such associated with an inter country adoption, but my wife liquidated her savings and never batted an eye.

  19. Razib: you say that Indians are not shallow or consumer-obsessed? What rock have you been living under? Indians are VERY shallow, all they like to do is brag about how much money they have, their houses, their education, their skin-tone, their kids…etc. And not concerned about the latest bling? You are so out of touch with what desis are doing nowadays, my husband and I moved to an area where the majority are whites just so that we can get away from that.

  20. And if you want any confirmation with Indians concern with light skin and all things shallow, just check out the matrimonial ads in the Indian papers. Enough said.

  21. wouldn’t it be closer to the truth to understand this as a uniquely Indian parent’s idea of what a perfect baby should look like — ie baby Krishna (light-skinned & chubby, and ideally with some buttermilk around the mouth)

    Actually, while baby Krishna may have been chubby he was certainly not light-skinned. He was shyama sundara, a beautiful black baby who grew up to be a handsome young man. You knew that didnt you?

  22. In India Dark = Ugly in most cases. No two ways about it

    And that is why Indians, being overwhelmingly dark-skinned, are the world champions in racial self-loathing. The historical reasons for this paradigm shift from Shyama Sundara to Fair & Lovely should be studied, and the servile stupidity of the current desi obsession with light skin color needs to be ridiculed as often as necessary.

    the sooner that the Western World realizes it, the easier it is for everyone.

    What the heck do you mean by that? The racist West deliberatelyplayed the critical role in making desis loathe their own skins.

  23. I love Punjab its culture and literature…but I agree with the posting blogger..this is wrong and disgusting…children are not a fashion statement..

    On a separate note..when will some one blog something positive and thought provoking about Punjabi?? It has been months…please please please…there are more writers than just Ajeet Cour

  24. Terrible but reality. I didn’t realise that Punjabis were considered ‘better’ in India. In Pakistan I think Pukhtoons are considered more valuable b/c they are very light skinned.

    My nephew is a chubby Afghan/Pushtun boy. He’s so cute but I was shocked by his fair complexion. His father is dark but my sister is fair. My mother has porcelain white skin.

    But not all Pushtuns are light skinned. Some of us have intermarried with Desis in Pakistan.

    Pakistanis I know consider Indians “black.” In general, Pakistan seems to have lighter skinned peeps from the Sindh to the Kashmir.

    But color variation occurs within families.

    For example, I’m not “brown” but “white” with most people assuming I’m white and something else. People never guess South Asian.

  25. I know plenty of Pakistani Punjabis who consider themselves of having foreign origins.

    My family is from Afghanistan, but due to civil war and strife, many have been displaced to Pakistan.

    My family speaks Farsi/Dari, “Persian” is our home language, therefore, growing up I was taught I was ethnic Persian. However, when you actually examine my family tree, we are a hodgepodge of various ethnic backgrounds that reside in Afghanistan, Iran, and Pakistan.

    Not all Persians live in Iran. I know a number of Persians in India, Pakistan, Iraq, the Gulf Arab kingdoms, Turkey, Syria, etc.

  26. Gustavo ji it just shows how colourful and complicated life is….and how sad that dark people are looked down upon

  27. Many high-caste Muslims in India and Pakistan pride themselves about their alleged Persian, Turkish, Central Asian, or Arab origins.

    The Muslim Brahmins of the subcontinents are those who claim lineage to the Prophet.

    But in the Arab world, where family lineages are meticulously kept and preserved, few Arabs claim to be of Banu Hashim (the tribe of the Prophet Muhammad).

    Skin color in my family varies widely, so you never know if your child will be fair skinned or dark skinned, it’s the luck of the straw.

    But I find darker skinned South Asians have more attractive noses, I’m not big on prominent noses which tend to be common among lighter skinned South Asians. Thank God I have a decent size nose with an okay profile.

  28. My aunt adopted a Sheedi/habshi (Afro-Pakistani) orphan in Karachi, when she noticed him wander in the female section of the mosque, she inquired about his parents. She later found out he was living in a boarding house that provides shelter to minority children in Pakistan.

    The boy amazed her as he quoted poems by Rumi in Farsi.

    The boy also speaks some Pashto, is fluent in Sindhi and Urdu, proficient in Baloch and Makrian (a language spoken in and around Karachi).

    My aunt never wed, but she brought her son home to the States. In the local South Asian Muslim community, people did not know how to perceive the child. He was clearly South Asian culturally, but his appearance would mistaken him for being African American in Western attire.

  29. I also know a Punjabi Sikh who looks Oriental ( meaning east of India), and has always had problems as being seen as Punjabi, because of his Chin looks…Yet he speaks, breathes and eats Punjabi.. People judge books by their covers and are obessed with religious alligences

  30. when the unrest in punjab was at its worst (caused by the hindu gov’t) chubby punjabi babies were tossed in the air and murdered (shot) – this torture still continues – the only logical humane solution is a free state consisting of parts of afghanistan, kashmir and all of Punjab (Haryana, Himachal etc.) plus a passage to the sea in parts of gujrat – we were promised this by Nehru, Gandhi, Jinna etc. the only way genocide against the punjabi bhai chara will end is through the creation of a sthan that no one will ever even dare contemplate of messing around with – all that stands in the way are all the big, little and various medium rakshasas out there – may waheguru make us worthy of the creation of such a sthan – may waheguru always bless Pakistan for recognizing Anand Karaj – what is Anand Karaj? One man with one physical child-bearing wife plus three chaste wives, just like the 10th and final Master Sahib Sri Gobind Singh Sahib – all the Gurus married within ethnicity – let’s emulate their greatness.

    • i will miss this blog a bit – if anyone has trouble sleeping i recommend: cardio, (lots of miles) carbs and warm bovine milk (raw if possible) and just let your mind run free with happy thoughts – napping in the daytime sometimes helps one sleep at night as when one is overtired it can be impossible to sleep