Via Manish’s News Tab, here’s an article about Indian detectives who research potential spouses on matrimonial sites in the Washington Post. The best example in the article of a wedding detective’s intervention is probably the first one:
Judging by his online profile, the groom was suitable and eager to be a good spouse: a quiet, stay-at-home kind of guy who never drank and worked as a successful software engineer. Perfect, thought the bride, a shy 27-year-old computer engineer.
Too perfect, according to Bhavna Paliwal, one of India’s wedding detectives, who are being hired here in growing numbers to ferret out the truth about prospective mates.
“These days, you need to check the facts. And in India, it’s the servants who will tell you 100 percent everything,” Paliwal, 32, said in her office, located in a rough-and-tumble neighborhood of New Delhi. “The key is talking up the drivers, the cooks and the housekeepers. They are busybodies and aren’t afraid to tell you.”
In the case of the computer engineer, Paliwal found out that the 29-year-old groom-to-be had been less than honest. He had been having an affair with his housemaid. He spent many of his “quiet” nights straddling barstools around town, drinking heavily. There were signs he could be prone to violence, having been in an altercation that left him with a knife wound on his stomach.
As far as Paliwal was concerned, he was busted. The marriage was called off. (link)
(Oh, snap!)
Interestingly, it’s women detectives who are better at this work than male counterparts. According to this article at least, it’s women who are better able to get the scoop out of servants and doormen.
Reading articles like this makes me think that the internet matrimonial system is really quite flawed. It’s a cross between the old arranged marriage system and an internet personals ad on Craigslist. In the old system, one’s parents would do much of the work because they “know better”; they know people who know people, who might be able to speak for a seemingly suitable suitor… In the new internet matrimonials universe, family networks that build trust are of little relevance, and this becomes especially dangerous when people are trying to find partners in distant countries. It pretty much comes down to the “biodata” people post on the internet (perhaps matrimonials sites should start incorporating some of the elements of social networking, which might be another way to build up a sense of trust?). In short, internet matrimonials are an uneasy hybrid of old and new social forms, which potentially preserve some of the bad parts of the arranged marriage system (i.e., fetishization of caste), without giving potential couples any of the benefits of the western system of dating, where one make a strong effort to get to know one’s potential partner.
Still, if this wedding detective thing is here to stay, people in India will definitely be looking for people who can do the same work in the U.S., Canada, and the UK. (Entrepreneurs, take note!)
Funny that you mention this about matrimonial sites. I know a lot of friends who tried that but it never worked for them. In the end they just went the normal way – either meeting people through friends, chats, etc where they did not get to know each other with the intent of marriage or else their parents found their spouse through the old fashioned way of newspaper ads or family connections with the due research.
I do think that internet matrimonial sites can serve a purpose of allowing people to meet others but people should take their time getting to know each other well and going through a period of courtship. It takes away the pressure of families jumping the gun and allows the time to get to the otehr person. This detective thing sounds only for those who are overly paranoid or want to do a quick marriage thing. You can know a lot about a person after4 knowing them for a slightly extended period of time.
The Tamil movie Vel that came out toward the end of last year had Surya in a double role as (what else) twins who’d been separated. One twin lived in the city, and worked as one of these type of detectives. The heroine, who he was already smitten with and had been following around town, upon learning of his occupation, approached him for help in falsifying the report he was preparing on a potential groom that her parents were considering, but to whom she did not want to get married. Surya complied and (if memory serves) included some mention of the potential husband being a drug addict.
Via Manish’s blog? Do you check out our own News Tab ever? Like maybe this morning?
(Oh Snap!) 🙂
Can’t say I’d call wanting to marry your own kind a “fetishization of caste”. That’s exactly what dating allows one to ultimately do – complete with its own realm of fetishes.
In any case, this detective thing is very interesting and much needed for those who need to go the matrimonial ad route and hopefully will spare a lot of people a lot of agony.
awesome .. I need a new job!
This reminds me of my own experience on one of the popular matrimonial sites…I ve met more than few women on there and I did my own “detective work” on a few of them.. hell, I even busted a couple of them lying about their past and present. You never know what kinda of ppl lurk on these sites. Many are outright fake, Some with a hideous past looking for a quick hitch,Some who love to conceal their background, and ofcourse a lot of parents trying to hoard their “beautiful very fair and slim” daughters to the highest bidders. and then there can be some genuine ones too. Not exactly like finding a needle in a haystack but it can be a bumpy ride if you are not prepared for it. Did I mention busting can be a fun activity ?
Interestingly, it’s women detectives who are better at this work than male counterparts. According to this article at least, it’s women who are better able to get the scoop out of servants and doormen.
Or it could mean that the offending women are better at covering their tracks.
6 · Sonia Kaur said
sonia, that was my exact thought 🙂
HMF, i agree with you that many women have a rare knack for this sort of job. but notice that this service is for busting slippery liars….some of whom….are MEN!!!!!!!!!!!
who would have known? men duplicitous enough to weave webs of deceit? i thought that was a phenomenon as rare as spotting a tiger in an indian wildlife sanctuary.
but notice that this service is for busting slippery liars….are MEN!!!!!!!!!!!
Is this the same person?
I wasn’t saying that women have a “knack” for this job, rather saying that if men were out to investigate women, it would be a harder task because women would go to greater lengths to conceal their actions. sort of like a 64 bit encryption rather than a 32 bit one.
And yes, I’m aware that men practice infidelity.
Please, I have aunties that provide this service for free.
Great post Amardeep!!
To #7 Pappu: What do you do after you “bust” these online fakers? Do you just end all communication at that point? Do you confront them to let them know you are on to their schemes?! Inquiring minds want to know…
LOL #11 !!
So, whats the big deal if he slept with his maid? He was single after all, and he did not cheat on anyone. I don’t get it. Why would any sane person expect him to advertise the fact that he had sex with his maid online in a matrimonial ad anyway?
Isn’t it considered completely normal to have sex before marriage especially if you are talking about U.S., Canada, and the U.K.? Talking about “detectives” in this context sounds odd.
Abhi # 3 and #4:
Ditto!
I remember that the oh-so-venerable Hindu from way back when used to have the masthead on its front page flanked by two ads – on the left was a tiny rectangle for India’s own Pinkertons, The Globe detective agency (whose logo was, of course, a globe), which promised to track down folks who had cheated you in either your business or personal life, and on the right was an astrologer who could tell your fortunes for marriage, with the ominous slogan “Forewarned is Four-armed” (which always made my hyperactive juvenile brain conjure up visions of tentacles sprouting to track down the evildoers as soon as your palm was read).
It’s not really the internet system, as much as the cross-continental setup, which allows a lot of shenanigans. I have heard stories of traditional arranged marriages, where the husband and wife are both of Indian origin, but one or both might be in the US for work/study, come pre-approved by the nosy-relative-network, and one of them continues with the liaisons that they had been pursuing in the US without anybody knowing.
Wow, this passage seems to be straight out of a Raymond Chandler novel. khoofia, I think this is a ripe opportunity for you to get into the business of churning out the defining oeuvre of Shyam Ispade novels.
yes, thanks for pointing this out—how exactly did this get construed as cheating? disposition to violence is disturbing, but “affairs”—i think he just watched a little too much of seinfeld…
I thought that wasn’t very cool either. But the reality of the Indian arranged-marriage system is that in many traditional families, the bride and groom are expected to be delivered unsullied, premarital sex is considered inappropriate and an indication of poor character, and that the bride would have felt cheated if she had come to know of this after marriage. The drinking and knife-brawls, those are problems for sure, but damn, brother knows to have an interesting life (is the guy not in India? The article seems to imply it, but never explicitly says where he might have been).
“
Vyjayanthi IPS vonly!
Unfortunately, it seems to have turned out more George (maybe he should have tried the Costanza defense too) than Jerry.
Ignore my question about whether the guy was abroad. From her sari modus operandi, it looks like Bhavna Paliwal operates in the mother country, and so the problem was maid in India.
Forget Indian matrimonial ads, the US is rife with jackasses parading as nice guys ready to dupe the next desi chick that comes their way. Please I’ve lost count of how many men I met off the sites myself that were total liars or shady to say the least and nevermind all the guys my friend’s have met. The truth of the matter is that women here tend to be a little bit more savvy and pay attention to the red signs that crop up early on whereas in India where dating is still not that common it can be hard to be that savvy to men and their rotten ways.
Having said that I met quite a few genuinely nice guys on websites and I know several friends and relatives who met their spouses on there but this sort of shadiness happens in the US as well.
7 · Pappu said
Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
10 · HMF said
aww, my dear HMF, i was just re-visiting our history on male-female relationships, and in this story, the bad guy turned out to be a guy 🙂 just teasing 🙂
Essentially the way to get a guy into an arranged marriage is to withhold sex from him until he complies.
That should read ‘essentially society’s way’.
Why on earth would somebody go to a matrimonial website to get married in the US?
,
Movies like that contribute to the stalking problem in India. I know some guys think stalking is a bonafide form of wooing.
13 blah said
Power dynamics. It’s not an issue of cheating for most of us; it’s the “ick” factor of sleeping with someone when you are in a position of authority above them (oh, go ahead Rahul, I know it’s hard to resist) — I suspect most of us who don’t have any issues with premarital sex would still be uncomfortable with say, a professor sleeping with one of his students.
18 · Rahul said
I wonder if a minor side effect of all this sleuthing could be recognitino of the Western-style behavior young people engage in… meaning drinking, partying, illicit relations… I’m not aware of any vast sociological analysis on modern Indian norms. Anedotally it seems like a lot of the older generation still thinks their kids and grandkids are simple and quiet, staying at home… and that it’s only a few bad apples that go out to these club vubs. (Ya, just a few that go to the like 10 that have opened up in the past couple of years)
I think a core issue that will come up with all of this investigation is: is the what the person “did” bad, or more the deceptiveness? I like others am not bothered by the fact the guy in the article was sleeping aroudn so much as the fact it was someone who was working for him/his family. But, to some people they wouldn’t care if he was the guy from the Delhi Public School MMS scandal – they would think he’s scum just for doing that! In fact, issues of this nature are so sensitive I doubt anyone would fess up publicly to doing any of it… though it is going on.
We desis and our public/private personas…
26 · Pagal_Aadmi_for_debauchery said
Well…if you grew up somewhere where there were few Malayalee
SyrianOrthodoxboys, let alone candidates who were close to your age…This post comes at an interesting time. I have been recently registered into one of those matrimonial sites by my family and I was kinda fine with the concept as I dont get to see a lot of desi girls in my work or social circles and the desi party scene is probably not the best place to look for a life partner. So now,I have been getting those “somebody in interested in you ” emails. Problem is generally most of them are like in some far of state and I have no idea how much of what they say is true or even if I meet them a couple of times by spending good money on air ticket, what is the guarantee that they are not on their best behaviour!
Now I have to go to this somekind of “padlock and key” kinda party arranged by this matrimony website in my city. And am kinda looking forward to it,Who knows! Might find some one interesting there. Has anybody attended one of those before? Would love to know how was experience there so that I have my expectations set up accordingly.
Sure, many people think that pre-marital sex is okay, but I don’t think the girl in the article did. And as a couple people mentioned before, people in the US would use matrimonial sites b/c they’re aren’t potential partners around them or in their community. However, matrimonia sites do seem a bit sketchy, as proven by the article–how are you supposed to trust someone you meet online?
Thanks for the invite, Shaad. But let’s wait to get it on till Paliwal isn’t watching.
I agree with that completely, the power equation makes these kinds of sexual relationships very troubling. My (uninformed) guess however is that’s probably not why they called the arranged marriage off, as much as the fact that he was sleeping around at all.
35 · Rahul said
Rahul, please be sending me a link to your shaadi.com profile. after consulting astrologer, my family can be calling your family. U r 2 cute. dont worry, we r broad-minded, high-culture family, so we r having no problem with your down-low hobbies with your nice friend shaad. only make sure r safe 😉 i hope u r vegetarian, virgin – no vimmen before marriage, and also having six-figure income. please b green-card holder. i h8 smokers, drinkers, and drugs. as far as myself goes – i am fair, homely, and convented. people say i’m a perfect blend of the east and west values 🙂 my hobbies r cooking, reading good books, going to hindu temple regularly, aerobics, and volunteering. i luv bollywood also. shahrukh and hrithik are my best actors. please mail me soon happy belated valentine day 2 u @)->–>– wud luv 2 c jodhaa-akbar with u soon. bye. ur friend, p
disclaimer: Comment above is an unfunny jab at bad shaadi.com profiles. and the very specific categories that are metrics of importance for arrangers of marriages. nothing more, nothing less. any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.
“I agree with that completely, the power equation makes these kinds of sexual relationships very troubling”
Indeed. It’s even worse than that though. In India, the typical maid is probably supporting a child and elderly parents on a meager wage. So she has no choice about whether or not to leave an abusive employer. I don’t wan to sound too dramatic, but not having a job could mean the difference between getting a sick child/parent medicine.
Could even mean the difference between eating and starving for some….
Honestly, this type of “relationship” is no different from prostitution. There’s no parallel between dating/hooking up and this…. because it’s not as if she has any choice as to whether to have sex…..
“Then she showed her the worst of it: the housemaid’s tearful videotaped confession that she was having an affair with the groom.”
Nobody cries about having a pre-marital affair with a single man…. This is a textbook case of sexual abuse…. Lucky for this woman that she found out before marrying this jerk….
I’m not disagreeing with anything you’re saying JJ, but it is a bit chilling to hear you so obviously channel the “Malthusian trap” type of argument (particularly in the assumption that the maid has “no choice”–i.e., finding alternative employment is quite difficult)–I take that as some evidence that the Malthusian trap is perhaps not as over-hyped as I might have thought.
Not sure why #39 came through as “robv” rather than “rob”–probably human error on my part–sorry.
my question is, aren’t the servants afraid of retribution that they would so openly share this information?? and be the indirect cause of the wedding be called off…if there is such a power dynamic, i am shocked they’re sharing at all.
portmanteau, #36 was not unfunny but you forgot to mention that u r down to earth and that you’ve never done this b4 and that its hard to describe urself and profiles without photos will not be excepted and…and…oh nevermind.
Maybe it was a case of wham, bam, thank you maid… and she was just sad that she didnt get off.
Or if your mother wandered into your apartment one day, saw the devastation and thought, in a very un-PC way, “this boy needs to get married.”
Quoted in Amardeep’s post: ” He spent many of his “quiet†nights straddling barstools around town, drinking heavily.”
Caste no bar?
Having been married since the day I started shaving, I obviously can’t profess to much domain expertise in the matrimonial business. But lately, the nephews and nieces have started to come on the market, and shaadi.com has become a frequent topic of discussion in the Floridian household.
My impression is that like all internet based services, it is a great expediter of the process but not a guarantor of a perfect match. It allows you to sample people fast, whereas it might take you years to interview just a “few good men” or “women.” Look how hard it is for the Marines. As for vetting these candidates, who could possibly be more capable of that awful chore them than you? Housemaids and cooks? Let’s not throw the internet baby with the matrimonial bathwater. But I am getting ahead of myself.
Any opinions on e-harmony.com? I love their commercials and even thought of checking it out only for FYI purposes, of course, but I think one’s keystrokes can be traced, can’t it? And Auntie-ji can get a little suspicious at times.
i was just re-visiting our history on male-female relationships,
Oh, sorry, I lose track of what history I have with who.
i was just re-visiting our history on male-female relationships,
huh?
This is what I meant to say:
i was just re-visiting our history on male-female relationships,
Oh, sorry, I lose track of what history I have with who.
Look how hard it is for the Marines
huh?
?
More than wedding detective which probably thrive on the shady aspects of matrimonial hunt this particular idea from Amardeep has some serious business potential on the postives side of matrimonial hunt ( internet or otherwise ).
41 · db said
Absolutely true. Why did the tell they use maids. Now no maids are going to any info to these people..some resonance with the McCain affair.
Obviously, you would like to have not just on-the-record sources, but documentary evidence for everything you put in the newspaper,” Keller says. “But if you refused to publish stories that included anonymously sourced information, most of the most important things we know about how our country is run would not published. There are things you just cannot find without being willing to protect your sources