12.28.07: For those of you who do not read comments and may not know this– there is evidence which indicates that Anu is alive:
Authorities from the Cook County Sheriff’s Department announced they believe Solanki has left the Chicago area with a friend of hers, and that she has gone willingly. [oh, snap]
Developing…
I know we’re still shocked about the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, but there’s a story about another South Asian woman which deserves attention, in case any of you can help.
We’ve received several tips about a young woman who currently lives in Chicago, who has disappeared under what I think are extra-tragic circumstances. Anu Solanki is 24 years old and a newlywed from Virginia. The last time she was seen was when she was leaving her job at a hotel gift shop, on Monday, the 24th. A few miles from there…
Her car — which was still running with its doors unlocked– was found in a forest preserve parking lot late Monday afternoon.
Forest preserve police used divers to search the river in the Wheeling Forest Preserve on Wednesday, but said they would stay inside the boats on Thursday. [abc7chicago]
This is what makes my heart ache, why I wrote that this story had an extra element of tragedy:
Solanki’s husband said his wife may have gone to the river to place a broken statue of the Hindu deity Ganesh in the water, as they were told to do by a priest, to prevent bad luck. Authorities fear the woman slipped while placing the statue in the current. [abc7chicago]
“There is some concern at this point that this is a rapid current of the Des Plaines River, that it may be wise to check even further,” said Cook County Forest Preserve District spokesman Steve Mayberry. “Miss Solanki is a petite woman, and in fact, the current may have carried her further than initially believed.” [WBBM780]
Who among us hasn’t tried to do the “right” thing, on the advice of someone we trust, even if it seems superstitious? I’m just haunted by the mental picture I have of this girl earnestly, gingerly transporting this broken-but-sacred statue, on her way to the river.
While her slipping and falling while trying to do something respectful is awful enough, there’s the possibility of worse:
Police are checking the validity of a report that Solanki called a relative and said she was being watched, but then called back minutes later to say she was fine. [abc7chicago]
That report says she called a relative, this says she called a friend:
Dignesh Solanki says his wife spoke with a friend by cell phone that afternoon, telling her she was being followed by four men, then called back to say the men had disappeared. [WBBM780]
I hope she will be found soon. Chicago mutineers Neeraj and M, thank you for keeping us posted about this.
y’see there was this commenter who went by the handle of, ‘PG,’ and she seemed to know everything despite not showing even the slightest sign of credibility. You should ask her.
Camille, understood. 🙂
As for the ‘Indian women like personality’ thing, I give you Bipasha Basu and Jon Abraham. Besides, if it’s true, shouldn’t you guys be getting on your knees and thanking the universe for it? 🙂
Harbeer and Miss Marples, I find the attempts to paint her as a victim to be paternalistic, not compassionate. I understand that things aren’t black and white, but what are the chances that we would cut so much slack to a man who did the same (of course, I accept that this behavior isn’t as common among men)? It seems that her marriage was an unhappy one, but I don’t think that excuses her immature behavior.
So are you married to an Indian man then, PG?
This really shows who calls the shots.
what are the chances that we would cut so much slack to a man who did the same
Thank you.
Ha ha ha! Good one.
I see a bit of myself in Anu and perhaps that is why I’m sympathizing with her. I would cut the same slack to an Indian husband for doing the same and take into consideration the fact that he may have entered into an arranged marriage with more of a view to pleasing his family (or just shutting them up already) than pleasing himself.
I am quite a bit older than Anu, and probably have lived a much more independent life (left my parent’s home at 18), yet even I have kept an inter-racial relationship completely secret from them and even lied to them about it. Why? Because I know how they feel about that sort of thing and know that being cut out of their will (my inheritance) is not beyond the scope of possibilities. Was it behaviour congruent with my age? No. Also, why create a big drama, heartbreak and possible rejection with your parents of 30 years over a relationship that might not even last 6 months?
Things are not always black and white (except for my relationship). Smirk.
Miss Marples, surely you know the answer to this question. All women in India are subservient homebodies who are trained to cook, clean, and please their masters from an early age. All Indian men, especially those who do go to India, believe that they are looking for exactly this kind of relationship because their parents told them that is what is best for them.
I am sure Karan Johar is making a new movie that pushes this and similar progressive views. You should go watch it so you can fill the last remaining (miniscule, I admit) missing chunk in your understanding of Indian culture.
Thanks for that explanation, Rahul. I hadn’t actually thought from that angle. I guess it does fill in certain pieces of the puzzle. Still, it can’t be the whole story, because afterall, you addressed the viewpoint of the men, not women, who return to India to find a spouse, which I guess is only natural, you being male would be privy to that. I’d like to hear from some women why they have chosen to marry men from India and bring them here, OR women in India who have chosen to marry men who do not reside in India, but abroad.
Remember, truth resides in shades of gray.
253 · nala said
That’s a good question. I’d like to think that I’d be equally understanding, but you might be on to something. I might be more inclined, in that case, to say things like “Grow up. Get a life. Quit letting your parents boss you around.” I have little tolerance for all those kids who let their parents pamper (read “control”) them because I never went for all that. I got around on a bicycle while they were rolling on rims paid for by mommy and daddy, but you can’t put a price tag on autonomy. But you might also say that this my confidence is a result of the male privilege that was afforded me. It’s complicated.
So maybe you’re right. Or maybe I should be more compassionate towards guys, too. Or maybe both. Who knows? Anyway, this macaca’s about to scream bananas.
Apparently so. For example, “waiting and seeing” could mean incessant speculation based on essentializing broad swaths of people using anecdotal evidence.
Whatever our speculations, the fact is that this woman felt she had to stage and big hungama in order to leave her marriage. That much we do know.
People are products of their environment, culture, family values, the way they were raised, etc. Anthro-psychology is a fascinating subject. None of us were born alone, on an island, sans a mother (except for Vidhata Brahmaji, born into darkness sprung from the lotus sprouting out of Vishnu’s navel as he reclined on the cosmic, causal ocean. And even then he felt the effects of his dark loneliness and desired to create, hence here we all are!)
I would take into consideration a man’s background as well if he were to do this sort of thing. Whenever anyone goes on trial in court, motive is always examined and motive is often related to one’s background tapestry or circumstances.
So maybe you’re right. Or maybe I should be more compassionate towards guys, too. Or maybe both. Who knows? Anyway, this macaca’s about to scream bananas.
I know that you said the safeword, but given your male privilege I’m sure you can handle it. 🙂 ‘Grow up. Get a life.’ was basically the exact same response you gave here, so I do think I’m ‘on to something’ when I say that the attempts to paint her as a victim are paternalistic, and that often goes hand in hand with this ‘suck it up’ attitude expected of boys/men.
Frankly I find it offensive that Pardesi Gori is going on and on trying to paint Anu as some sort of victim, because as we all know, ALL desi women are ALWAYS victimized by desi men. I’m surprised she hasn’t started on the ‘Indian men have small penises’ shtick yet, and blaming the failed marriage on that.
My intuition is that for whatever reasons, she married too young and still needed time to sow her wild oats, have fun and date several different guys before settling down. She needed time to just be an ordinary woman in her twenties. For whatever reasons, either by choice or not, she was denied, or denied herself that.
Well, I think the problem occurs when the micropenis is not combined with macro-oppression to force the woman into domestic helplessness. Things would be much better if the two went hand in hand, as the original divine tooting sound from Vishnu’s orifice advised us all.
Or she had a version of a gene which led to reduced impulse control and recklessness. Just covering all the bases here.
Nala, I’m much more subtle and nuanced than that. For some reason you seem to want to pick a fight with me. I’m not biting the bait.
I’ve already stated I would give an Indian man the same benefit of the doubt in such a case.
For some reason she felt she could not just divorce the guy in a straightforward fashion. I speculate that her family and cultural background might have something to do with that, just like my family and cultural background prevented me from introducing my beloved boyfriend (of a different race) to my parents, even at my ripe old age.
In other words, I’m empathizing with someone.
Nala, PG is obviously a troll who has seized on this trope of exoticization to consistently get under people’s skins, and is laughing at those battling some pseudonymous entity on the Internet. No point losing your cool over her BS. Enjoy it like a sensuous bhakta in the leela of Krishna would.
‘Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.’ Sharon Stone
Ahem.
Reminds me of my first thoughts when reading in the Sun Times that Dignesh said, “I thought we had a normal relationship”.
Various relationships books have stated that women more often than men are likely to feel dissatisfaction in a relationship and initiate the ending of it. Oftentimes men are oblivious that anything at all is even wrong and are “shocked” and clueless when their wives ask for a divorce. They chalk this up to women’s intuition or our attunement to the subtleties of human interactions. Not saying this theory is correct, just that it’s out there. Women oftentimes “want more” out of a relationship than a man does. How often have I heard my girlfriends say that?
Anyway, I’m playing Dr. Phil(lis) here. I actually have no idea what is going on between Anu and Dig, but my “intuition” is still whispering.
I think Harbeer and I are in agreement here, except that I also would apply the same yardstick to a man as I would a woman in this case. I’m an equal oppurtunity empathizer. Especially when it comes to relationships in the age of the internet. Actually I read somewhere that the internet is quickly becoming the number one cause of breakups in the modern world.
Or you could antagonize PG directly and be well within commenting guidelines, as MP/TW etc. have never copped to being PG. Example, “PG is a regret-ridden harridan who enjoys stroking Bernard Lewis’ ego to climax while Daniel Pipes observes…on desi-issues group blogs.”
Rahul’s advice is far better but if you’re feeling peevish, it’s a great way to blow off steam.
270 · Miss Marples said
At some level, though I’m not willing to follow you to your conclusions. I’m not too interested in detailed analysis of a case I know nothing about–I just find it resonating with my some of my (family’s) experiences.
See, I’m not willing to go there, either. That’s YOUR cultural programming at work there, sister.
Nala, I actually thought of another example of a coerced (in this case “forced,” even) marriage–this time involving a male, a gay male cousin of mine. (Yeah, my family is super Klassy like that, and I’m a class act for discussing it.) Although he has continued to dig himself into a deeper and deeper whole in a horrible relationship–I totally blame my cousin’s mother for ruining his innocent wife’s life. I blame my cousin some, too, but she (the parent who forced him) bears the brunt of it.
Funny how the most patriarchal people I know are my mother and her (widowed for more than half her life) sister.
Funny how the most patriarchal people I know are my mother and her (widowed for more than half her life) sister
funny how patriarchy wouldnt exist if women didn’t at some level propogate it.
It’s funny how systems of oppression are propagated by all parties. Thank you “normalization” and Paolo Freire. HMF, let’s play nice. 🙂
nala, I agree with you re: paternalism. I don’t think the immaturity argument holds water. Then again, none of us really know what the freak is going on in this family, anyway.
HMF, let’s play nice
tiger, eat your vegetables!
255 · HMF said
Did you mean to post this in the Bhutto thread?
Agreed.
I can’t think of any excuse this woman can come up with that would justify her calling her friend to say a few strangers were following her. No matter what one thinks of this twit, what about the guy she ran off with? What is his excuse to allow this to happen the way it did? He should have advised her to leave a note or send an email to her friend that she is leaving for some private time and she will contact people when she feels like it. She didn’t even have to call anyone. Unless this guy was so desperate for some poon that all of these side issues were no big deal to him.
Oh and what was she doing leaving her car on. Not only is she an immature twit, she is not an environmentalist!^&$^&$!! :=)
What I don’t understand is how Anu could possibly have done all of this, simply to spare her family some hungama. I mean, do you think that allowing your husband and your family think you’re dead, rather than telling them about marital problems, is going to save them some grief?
The least she could have done was leave a note. Or call that friend.
I don’t think anything, short of full-fledged physical/mental/emotional abuse, excuses such immaturity.
I still have to say: I am just happy Anu is safe. Who are we to speculate and put forth opinions of what she may or may not have been thinking and feeling? Rejoice that this young woman is alive and not drowned or worse. A Lot of young women have not come back home after disappearing, or have come back in a body bag. No matter what she did, or why she did it, I will always be thankful that is not the case with Anu. I,for one,am waiting to hear her side before drawing any further conclusions.
Aren’t those the advertisements in the Sunday papers about “28 year old Vadama computer engineer in America sks homely 24 year old girl, BA. Iyengars preferred.”? Love reading them with my filter coffee.
One more thought: If Anu had been kidnapped against her will, this money would have been considered well-spent, correct? Just because she has been found alive, does not mean it was not “well-spent” as I fail to see what other option the authorities had. It feels to me as if a price is being put on how much a life is worth and that is just obscene. If they decide to charge her and attempt to recoup the money, they should also charge some of the politicians who waste Billions of our tax dollars ..on dumb research projects, family vacations, and other scams…but that won’t happen, right? We will just keep paying taxes and say nothing until a confused young girl does something we can prosecute. Makes me proud to be an American. (Not)
This blog was very educational. But may be its about time we let Dignesh and Anu deal with their own personal problems. The shock that I felt from Anu Solanki’s stupid actions has disappeared now. Give her a break…she’s only human. Hopefully, Anu’s blunder and its consequences will prevent these kind of things from happening in the future……and it just might encourage desi couples to communicate better.
280 · Alice said
I wish some women accepted their mistakes more often. Accepting mistakes is the first step towards correcting it.
Anecdotally, I would agree. This past year, I’ve seen 2 divorces (non-desi) attributed to the husband’s addiction to internet porn. Both are educated, successful guys who you would think should know better or at least have something else to do with their time.
173 · Miss Marples said
Seems like they are 23 or 24 which makes them consenting adults not kids. Just curious, at what age do we stop patronizing adults and overlooking their immature behavior saying “kids will be kids”.
Again she has not been married for more than a year which makes her 23 when she was married. We could argue all day long about how young is too young to get married but we can certainly agree that 23 is not 18. If she did not want to marry, she had more than a few options available to her in the land of the free. If she wanted out after marriage, Amrika has the largest number of divorce lawyers per capita.
Throw in immature and reckless and we all can nod in agreement.
It isn’t the fact that she was found alive. Certainly, it’s definitely fortunate that she was found alive, compared to the number of women who go missing each year, and are either not found at all or are found dead.
It was the fact that she ran away, without telling anyone where she was going or why she was doing it, despite having at least one opportunity to do it (that friend whom she called?), which led to her husband and her family thinking the worst.
What if four men had been arrested based on her description? Had she been extremely detailed in describing them, four suspects just might have been taken in.
You just can’t rope in other people like that. We’re only thinking about her, and trying to understand her. What about her husband? What about her family? While we don’t know her family situation, I don’t think you can only give her the benefit of the doubt, and not give the husband and the family the benefit of the doubt as well.
If you have a problem, and feel that running away is the only solution, by all means, do it. Just don’t do something like this that results in a prolonged search, your family’s dirty laundry splashed all over the news, and your family and friends having problems trusting you.
283
I second that. Once the missing person is traced, the topic ends. Since the couple inovolved are private individuals any discussion however well intentioned could be painful to read for the families involved. It would not be out of order if SM Intern closes the thread for further comments, IMHO.
“Rajputs would be more likely to go ballistic on a cheating wife for example than let’s say baniyas would”
Ah the “Thakur” and “Lala” stereotypes from 80’s bollywood still haunt us. “Yeh haath mujhe de de thakur”
“This blog was very educational. But may be its about time we let Dignesh and Anu deal with their own personal problems. The shock that I felt from Anu Solanki’s stupid actions has disappeared now. Give her a break…she’s only human. Hopefully, Anu’s blunder and its consequences will prevent these kind of things from happening in the future……and it just might encourage desi couples to communicate better.”
I agree too.
solankis and patels come from the same social stratosphere in gujurat. extrapolating from this knowledge, the families were probably happy with the marriage. at 23, 24 – she probably wasn’t ready and was likely gently (or perhaps not gently) encouraged into the marriage.
i feel sorry for her and hope she finds some peace and resolution. not everyone is exposed enough to break out of their family’s mold. it’s sometimes easier to go along vs. stand up for what you really want. esp. when faced with a desi family – all the drama, guilt, etc.
i’m not excusing her behavior, just trying to see it from her side.
What if four men had been arrested based on her description?
She could have been really American and said, “four black guys did it!”
Perhaps it just might desi people to rethink the bullsh*t perception they have on the marriage institution all together. That might work out too.
tiger, eat your vegetables!
This has no meaning whatsoever.
Yep!
I’m willing to bet 2,000 rupees that the scenario was one of the two following;
OR
Either way, she regrets it now.
Let’s just wait and see if I’m right or wrong.
I was watching FOX News, and boy are they making a mountain out of a molehill in this case, calling in legal experts to debate whether or not it is possible and/or correct for her to be fined. The anchor deprecatingly said that she doesn’t know the ‘legal term’ for ‘paying back what you wasted.’ The next story, after about a five-minute commercial break, was about post-New Year’s hangovers. God, cable news makes me sad.
Doesn’t this entire thread give you hope that the hoary old traditions of Indian aunties will continue to live on into the next generation? We might not have our FETNA/FOKANA/TANA/NAMBLA meetings to congregate in, but the tradition of speculating about our neighbors, and worrying how much salary the boy Radha aunty’s daughter is going out with is making will live on through the internet.
Viva the marriage of “culture” and modernity!
286 · Santosh said
And therein lies the tension. Some desi parents will forever infantilize their kids, well beyond eighteen. Eighteen is meaningless in that context, and it is muddied in this liminal (1.5 generation) context.
I foresee that Anu Solanki is going in the news circle in another 1-2 years.
Either, it would be about her sorry plight where Karan Jani found another married wife and ditched her…
Or she ran away from Karan to start a new life at Florida with Karan’s Brother 🙂
Good luck Guys… Get Ready for your another heart ache..