12.28.07: For those of you who do not read comments and may not know this– there is evidence which indicates that Anu is alive:
Authorities from the Cook County Sheriff’s Department announced they believe Solanki has left the Chicago area with a friend of hers, and that she has gone willingly. [oh, snap]
Developing…
I know we’re still shocked about the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, but there’s a story about another South Asian woman which deserves attention, in case any of you can help.
We’ve received several tips about a young woman who currently lives in Chicago, who has disappeared under what I think are extra-tragic circumstances. Anu Solanki is 24 years old and a newlywed from Virginia. The last time she was seen was when she was leaving her job at a hotel gift shop, on Monday, the 24th. A few miles from there…
Her car — which was still running with its doors unlocked– was found in a forest preserve parking lot late Monday afternoon.
Forest preserve police used divers to search the river in the Wheeling Forest Preserve on Wednesday, but said they would stay inside the boats on Thursday. [abc7chicago]
This is what makes my heart ache, why I wrote that this story had an extra element of tragedy:
Solanki’s husband said his wife may have gone to the river to place a broken statue of the Hindu deity Ganesh in the water, as they were told to do by a priest, to prevent bad luck. Authorities fear the woman slipped while placing the statue in the current. [abc7chicago]
“There is some concern at this point that this is a rapid current of the Des Plaines River, that it may be wise to check even further,” said Cook County Forest Preserve District spokesman Steve Mayberry. “Miss Solanki is a petite woman, and in fact, the current may have carried her further than initially believed.” [WBBM780]
Who among us hasn’t tried to do the “right” thing, on the advice of someone we trust, even if it seems superstitious? I’m just haunted by the mental picture I have of this girl earnestly, gingerly transporting this broken-but-sacred statue, on her way to the river.
While her slipping and falling while trying to do something respectful is awful enough, there’s the possibility of worse:
Police are checking the validity of a report that Solanki called a relative and said she was being watched, but then called back minutes later to say she was fine. [abc7chicago]
That report says she called a relative, this says she called a friend:
Dignesh Solanki says his wife spoke with a friend by cell phone that afternoon, telling her she was being followed by four men, then called back to say the men had disappeared. [WBBM780]
I hope she will be found soon. Chicago mutineers Neeraj and M, thank you for keeping us posted about this.
PG, your sense of humor is Krishna-esque in its impishness.
alpha beta was quite gracious in his/her responses, so I agree.
Yes, this is the standard of behavior we must all aspire too. Hey, feel free to spit on the man’s face. After all, he’s not going to notice it since he’s been kicked in the nuts.
This incident brings to mind an incident in yellowstone park in which a desi guy went over a bridge and was presumed drowned (anyone find the body yet?).
Though a slight tangent, I would like to remind folks that even a basic knowledge of swimmign can be a life-saving affair. So invest in a couple of weekends atthe y to learn basic flotation. If you also have the opportunity to take basic cpr courses, please do so. you might be able to save the life of a loved one. I assert this because in my experience there are many desis of my generation who have never learned how to swim.
BTW – for someone who just pops into this thread – reads the headline – and jumps to the last comment… it is hard to makes sense of these leaps of logic wherein a news posting on a missing woman leaps to “hum kisise kum nahin”, “old boy” and a quasi-religious (erotic?) tale. but rock on partygoers.
Oy, Portmanteau & Rahul, you two get a room, stat!
ok. mea culpa. i did a speedread. i take it this involves another guy and not a drowning. thonk i’m outta here.
Wow, $250,000 wasted on this chick. I say “wasted” because she willingly left. That money could have been used for so many other better things.
Naah, I prefer it outdoors.
portmanteau, where you want it? Outside, I hope.
206 · Rahul said
Excellent, I’ll just tell my husband that I need to immerse an idol of Ganesha in a nearby river that flows through a forest preserve, and given that I’m a petite woman, the current will surely deposit me at your feet. Jangal mein Mangal?
Do I get props for my t(r)opical post?
Mind you, I am no Jani come lately. Aur Jangal? Logs kya kahenge?? Ok, I’ll come clean, all this is just faux hesitation. I am really cheering with joy inside.
hey! i’m cool portmanteau dude with all the meanderings – mirrors my perspective on things – who gives a damn anyway – you can call it a khoofi-soofi state of mind – ‘cos i’m on a total different maqaam (urdu for station) right now… my earlier comment was just general vismay (hindi for astoundment) at the intricacies of human interaction. rock on you monkeyrockstars, you. we.
Rahul, you naughty, naughty, Tiger of Tambramapuram. hehehe
funny comments are great; but could we get back to the original serious discussion? thanks
Don’t be such a party pooper, Brown in the Cornhole. My understanding of the ground rules is that the mistress will lay a lot of slack in the ropes as long as you keep it amusing.
190 · portmanteau said
Hey, just let me watch and I’m a happy macaca.
Ah, now come the ropes. Sorry about being a naughty pussy. Next time, I will mind it.
ROFL. This is one smart girl who has fooled her husband by telling some religious BS. I wonder if she has also said she got pregnant like Kunti of Mahabaratha by praying to Gods..
212 · brown in the cornfields said
hey BintC, would you be so mad if we moved the necking to your neck of the woods, channe ke khet mein? (trans. “in the fields where bengal gram grows”; this is a obliquely risque song about hanky-panky in the fields. this song includes a dance step that is oft-referenced in indian pop-culture (as in the movie monsoon wedding), and gave teenage boys of a certain age another reason to love madhuri dixit). Really though, I do understand your concern for maintaining the serious tone of this discussion; but, given how this story has evolved, don’t you think a proper discourse should appropriately include an evocation of life-affirming rabelaisian-bakhtinian laughter?
Jeez you kids get busy.
Harbeer, after a year at SepiaDestiny, I am sure you’ve been insinuated into many a Rahul-like, S(&)M commenting orgy. 🙂
PG, rules of this nature already exist. More useful would be an orientation in which both spouses are notified of VAWA‘s immigration provisos.
Whoa whoa whoa. Can we please back up on the “Punjabis are wife-beaters” and “Northies hate women because of the influence of Islam”? I am sure that is NOT what anyone is trying to say (nala, Amitabh), and while I respect your general points, DV is not a uniquely Punjabi phenomena in the desi diaspora.
Oh, also, we have no idea what was happening in Casa Solanki, so either way, I think the intense vitriol thrown at both spouses is unwarranted and in poor taste.
Rahul, I enjoy your content-based commentary as well — I was just used to reading it in its straightforward, non-punned, unfettered form. 🙂
With all due respect Camille, ‘Punjabis are wife-beaters’ is not what I was saying. I know that DV is a problem in pretty much all communities, but the extent to which it, along with other manifestations of misogyny, occurs and is condoned differs, and the reasons for this I don’t know and won’t claim to know. If you look at this thread, many of the commenters offered up their own stories of more conservative attitudes and misogyny in the Punjabi diaspora.
Here’s another comment where you actually talked about it yourself Camille. I realize that I’m an ‘outsider’ to this community and so what I say could be looked at in the same way that PG talks about Inidan culture as a whole, but my family actually moved around a lot through various neighborhoods in Queens, all of which had significant desi populations, and to my eyes there were notable differences in how the different subgroups comported themselves.
Miss Marples, Why doesn’t your blood boil at the fact that 31% of the women in the U.S are domestically abused at some point in their lives or that 500,000 American women were abused in 2001 alone and most of these abuses were by an intimate partner.
http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/ http://www.now.org/issues/violence/stats.html
And if you want to look at a particularly horrific case of abuse occuring in the all-perfect love marriage take a look at this
http://www.nctimes.com/articles/2007/06/30/news/state/9_37_476_29_07.txt
Domestic violence rates in India are a bit harder but here is one study
http://www.icrw.org/docs/domviol.pdf
The domestic violence rate for married women in India is 45 percent, higher than the US for but not soo much higher that you have the right to lecture us. BTW,So now all love marriages must be declared ILLEGAL right, in fact according to your logic all marriages must be declared illegal. To make a conclusion from one case is pretty stupid. Stupidity and Arrogance is a very bad combination,Miss Marples. Do some research before spouting off. To SMers, Des every f*ing discussions on Indian marriages have to turn into an Indian-male bashing fest?. Frankly plz stick to the topic at hand for Fk’s sake.
Thank You
I have to say that one thing about this entire episode seems very weird to me. For a woman who barely reaches to 5’1″, why is the police calling her SoLanky ?
And louiecypher, your comment #138 always cracks me up!
Any Desi legal/paralegal eagles lurking around here ? What happens to cases like these? Can Anu get sued/fined by Uncle Sam? I’ve heard of thousands of dollars being spent by the State to rescue lil pussy cats….so was wonderin.
215 said…
HAHA. ROFL. check out a very relevant recent post on overcoming bias
This Punjabi man just had wrapped up a far-too-explicit discussion with his mother about the egalitarian principles behind honest polyamory vs. the dishonesty that lies beneath so much “monogamy.” (Yay, Moms is talking to me again!–although Pops wishes we chose more staid topics.) Crazy end to an intense day, tell you what. Let me digress a little further.
Fifteen years ago, my eldest sister tried to back out of her arranged engagement. She was not allowed, and the subsequent marriage didn’t last. I lay most of the blame for whatever happened on the people who coerced her into doing something she was hesitant to do (i.e. marrying the guy she ended up divorcing). She’s been disowned for most of the past 10 years, but this weekend she’s visiting my folks for the first time in over five years. Big Drama.
Earlier today, I took my sister to visit our cousin, who likewise (albeit successfully) tried to back out of an engagement many years ago. Her (our) family didn’t speak to her for eight years, although she’s been pretty much reintegrated in the past year or two.
I had a point when I started this ramble…I think I’m just trying to say to all the people talking smack about how reckless and inconsiderate this woman Anu Solanki’s ruse turned out to be–you have no idea how much manipulative, coercive pressure is placed on some people, and how that may affect their moral judgment and development. This is a societal issue, not just one reckless, selfish individual.
Ironically, my Punjaban mother is way more patriarchal than my Punjabi father. She cares a lot more than my dad about stupid shit like “honor,” and she thinks that as the mother, she’ll be the one who’s judged when her progeny fall short of perfection.
wasn’t there a gujarati dynasty or some other indian named the solanki dynasty?
ROFL.. nice blog. but i don’t understand your “overcoming bias” comment..
I would just tell Dignesh that he has been very lucky that she left quickly and did not cause him more harm.
She did not love you regardless of what she told you on your wedding night or on your honeymoon. Deception comes naturally to a lot of women.
At least you did not have any kids. What if she had found “true” love through the Internet or otherwise, after you had brought up two kids and devoted 10 years of your life to your marriage?
That worship of Ganesha worked you know! He saved you from the “real” heartbreak.
Just find someone sane this time. And get a prenup (Ganeshji would not protect you every time :-))
Good luck to you.
Randomdude, All of these domestic violence statistics you posted are a fraud. The very first step – the raw data collection – is fraudulent and designed to produce the results wanted by the feminist groups that lobby for, and sponsor these studies. The story they piece together is one-sided and intentionally incomplete. A woman’s own physical attacks on her husband/boyfriend and her role in starting and sustaining the violence is ignored or actively suppressed by those producing these reports. The result is a major farce that demonizes men and portrays women as barbie dolls. It’s no wonder there was a big hue and cry when one of the Indian govt statistics accidentally showed something these feminist groups did not want presented – that 70% of “victims” said that their partners were somewhat justified in hitting back at them. This was readily spin-doctored by feminist groups as proof of disempowered women, whereas if the survey data collection had been properly designed and complete, it would have delved deeper into why the women felt it was justified. Could it have proved that the men really were acting in self-defense or had other legitimate reasons? Lastly, “discussions on Indian marriages have to turn into an Indian-male bashing fest” on SM because some people like it that way, and the proportion of such stories blogged here invite that conclusion.
nala, I would be the first person to say that DV is a serious concern, particularly within the U.S. Punjabi diaspora. That said, I would caution against leaps of logic that somehow paint DV as somehow uniquely or exceptionally Punjabi within desi subcommunities. [I’m not saying that this is your argument, but often I’ve seen people take a thought like what you’ve posted and use it as a justification for labeling the entire Punjabi community as a debauched, drunken, simple-minded group of woman-beating hicks]. I’m sure this POV is impacted, in part, by our different experiences within and across different geographic desi communities (Queens, the Bay, etc.). I’ve worked with organizations that address DV across desi subcommunities, but I’ve seen a similar stereotype re: Punjabis, and consequently, almost a sense of derision that Punjabi women are stupid, Punjabi men are abusive, and that ultimately you can’t help them because it is a rampant, specifically Punjabi, problem.
On a thread about violence in the home, it’s unlikely that I would talk about the large “other half” (or perhaps larger) part of the Punjabi community — all those families and relationships that are healthy, violence-free, and made up of wonderful partnerships which include awesome, kind, thoughtful, feminist Punjabi men. Just because they’re not the “feature focus” in the discussion should not mean that we discount them or artificially lower our expectations of their behavior. I think it invites stereotyping, and I’m cautioning against it. I’m sure an element of regionalism comes into play, but I think every community likes to think that the problem is “worse over there” in an attempt to mitigate problems in their own back yard.
BatteredHusband, even if statistics of DV are inflated (which, given underreporting, I doubt), your case against “women as survivors of DV” is flawed and certainly does not win sympathy to those men who find themselves in similar situations. It sets up a false dichotomy by attempting to “reason away” the gendered bias around violence, especially violence in the home. I think your point re: the reductionist viewpoint of DV is thoughtful, but I’ve found it is not the status quo among those who actually do DV counseling, intake, etc. I think you’ll find most people in the DV-field (including those feminists who seem to rile you so) realize that relationships and people are complex, but that both “victim” and “perpetrator” (terms that are quite out of vogue because of their limiting and biased meanings) are human and in need of support/help. But you’ll also find that, after working with disproportionately so many women, it is also hard for someone not to become jaded.
Welcome to the
harrasseddecieved men’s club.Thankyou!
Harbeer, let’s meet for coffee.
Random Dude, it does.
This is a societal issue, not just one reckless, selfish individual.
This girl “dated” her husband for 2 years before marrying him. She is an adult… in every sense of the word. even my teen age cousins will handle situation in a more mature manner. Are there societal issues? absolutely!! But lets not make the mistake of giving that excuse here. A lot of ppl are very ready to defend this girl… unless there are more evidence to the contrary… It would be best to just sit back and observe. So far the news coming out does not reflect her in the best of light, when we get info that changes that, we can start talking about that.
Hey everyone, check out CNN.com. They found her and……..
“Cell phone records indicated Solanki left voluntarily with a 23-year-old male friend from California, authorities said earlier Friday. Mayberry did not know whether the friend, Karan C. Jani, had returned with Solanki.”
Much ado about nothing? I’m curious to hear everyone’s thoughts….
Sona’s on IST
sorry, “overcoming bias” is the name(of the blog)
233 · chitowndesi said
I just don’t see things in such a black/white, right/wrong, adult/child, dualistic way. That is reductive and simplistic and does not even begin to address the complex reality surrounding us.
Good for them, and good for the people who have raised them in an environment where they feel safe enough to be open about what’s going on in their lives. Not everybody has this luxury. Show some compassion, huh?
My comment was mostly meant as a response to the people shouting “I hope she gets fined for the $250k!” Sure, let’s wait and see. And let’s dig up some facts about the Cook County budget. I don’t understand this “sock it to her” attitude about a measly $250k when Halliburton and Fluor and Bechtel and so many other companies are defrauding us of BILLIONS. A little perspective, people.
231 · Miss Marples said
I ain’t skeert. (I blame society.)
Thanks again!
Can I hear a big “hell yeah” for the fact that someone is finally recognizing the social/cultural/psychological implications of being raised till one’s teenage years in India? And then relocating to a very different country/culture/atmosphere as a teenage daughter of Indian parents???
This is not an excuse to let her off the hook here. However, I do believe that the background tapestry of her life needs to be taken into account.
Like someone else suggested, let’s wait and see.
My heart goes out for dignesh solanki !
“No race of women loves personality more then Indian women.”
Shallow is that true?
Excerpts from the Sun Times;
.
No mention of “dating” here, just that they “knew” each other and were “introduced” by their families. Arranged marriage maybe? Coerced perhaps? Who knows?
Family issues.
“Normal” often means different things to different people. It might also have to do with having different value systems or different expectations.
That’s what we’re waiting for.
I love the headline in today’s Chicago Sun-Times
“She Wanted To Make A Clean Break”
Well, hang a banner behind her that says “Mission Accomplished”
Glass houses:
“No race of women loves personality more then Indian women.”
Shallow is that true?
Of course it is impossible to generalize a whole race, but when was the last time you saw a really hot Indian woman with a equally hot mate? Its like a rule, if you are a 9 you must marry a 4, if you are a 10 you must get after a 2.
Exhibit A. is that Ash Rai chick and the goblin she married.
“but when was the last time you saw a really hot Indian woman with a equally hot mate?
Shallow I can’t argue with you. A cousin of mine, female 8+, more than a little devious, thinks its because hot indian girls know their own value and want iron control in their marriages. Its the old ‘yeah I married you and I’m wayyy better looking so I run things now!’. I thought this was harsh when she said it but I think I’ve come around. As far as Ash, I mean she was getting a bit long in the tooth and her whole steez was status anyway.
242 · Miss Marples said
OMG! OMG! OMG! Please please please let her announcement come by way of R. Kelly in chapter 23!
The comments which refer to the once-missing-now-found individual as ‘crazy/insane’ are unsubstantiated and deeply offensive. Why is it that any time a female commits actions which hurt or humiliate a male, a bunch of males start questioning her sanity? On the other hand, these same hounds blame the female if a man deserts her: yeah, she wasn’t giving him any, she was a shrew, a bitch etc. Ugly patriarchy rearing its limp little willie again.
Wait! Wait! I got one! I got one! Padma Lakshmi, and that dashingly dapper writer guy she was going out with. Apparently he’s so handsome that an Ayatollah got jealous and issued a fatwa on him.
What does that mean?
Also, referring to something touched on earlier, I’ve always wondered why anyone who was either not raised in India, or who had been living and working outside of India for a significant amount of time (like 2 years or more), would even want to have an arranged marriage with someone from India and bring them over here to live. Wouldn’t it make more sense to marry someone in the country you are already living and working in and who had the same type of experience as you in that country? Afterall, I don’t think there is any dearth of eligible men and women of similar background and work experience here. So, what exactly is accomplished in going back to India for a spouse?
That “goblin” is considered quite the catch by many women.