I recently got a chance to see an excellent documentary called I For India (thanks, Kate!). It’s a kind of family documentary that spans nearly forty years. When Yash Suri moved to England, in 1965, he decided to buy two Super 8 film cameras, two tape recorders, and two projectors. One set he kept, the other he sent to his family in Meerut. He filmed and recorded his family’s life and growth through the 1970s and 80s, his family in India did the same — and they sent each other the tapes, as a way of staying in touch. The result is an amazing archive of what happens to a family when one part of it goes abroad. Yash’s daughter Sandhya Suri assembled and edited the material into a unique 70 minute statement. Here is a brief clip:
(You can also supposedly see a clip from the film at the BBC, though when I tried it I couldn’t get the video to play.) For me, I For India captured a lot of the strangeness of the diasporic experience, including the parents’ constant and nagging sense of displacement, the parent/child generation gap, and above all, the difficulty in returning home — even when “home” might be all you think about. The Suris aren’t the only family to keep planning to return home, only to keep delaying the plan by a few years (my father, for instance, used to say this for years; eventually, he dropped the plan). In the late 1980s, the family actually did try to move back to Meerut; Suri, a doctor, thought he could set up a clinic there, but it didn’t take. (There’s no ruby slippers; home always changes when you leave it.)
On a purely visual register, it’s interesting just to compare what the Suri family in Darlington, England chooses to film against what the Suri family in Meerut films. In the English footage, you see the nuclear family, various tourist excursions, snow, railroads, the Buckingham Palace guards. In Meerut, the footage Sandhya Suri uses is almost entirely of extended family gatherings. The family in England is effectively alone, which means it is sometimes painfully isolated — but that aloneness also enables them to go off and have certain kinds of adventures. The extended family in India has a very different kind of experience.
Often, in diasporic novels like The Namesake, for instance, the center of the story is the part of the family that leaves — usually because the writer comes from that background herself. What’s unique about I For India is the way the old film footage allows the director to in some sense tell both sides of the story at once: we have the point of view of the family that left (and constantly mourned what it had left behind), but also that of the family that stayed behind (and mourned the loss of the ones who left).
I For India has been reviewed positively by virtually everyone who’s seen it, including The New York Times and The Guardian. One company is distributing it on DVD in the U.S., though it’s very expensive (you might be able to track down a copy from Amazon Canada). If anyone knows of other ways to get access to this film, I’m sure readers will be grateful.
fyi, the page is messed up in firefox…
Yep, coding error. Should be fixed now.
Pithy comment, and it echoes my experiences on both sides of the puddle. the Suris created an amazing time capsule and credit goes to Mr Suri for having the foresight to embark on this experiment. It must be such a bittersweet experience seeing old faces, places that are changed irrevocably or are no more.
Thanks a bunch Amardeep for highlighting this.I will look for it locally.
Ah ok!
The news segment about the ‘dark million’ was bizarre, I can’t imagine what it must have been like for the old-timers that immigrated first and established the beginnings of the diaspora culture (though this applies more to the UK than the US).
My parents used to talk a lot about moving back during the ’90’s–but now they seem to spend less time at “home” than they did then–I think a lot has to do with the death during that decade of my grandparents’ generation.
Not the same, but last year when I went back to India, I took my camcorder along. I turned it on and started asking my grandparents questions about their childhood, how they met, how they got married. I got some amazing stories.
Funny thing is that even my parents were hearing a lot of these things for the first time too. I have some amazing film for my kids to work with 😉
The X + 1 Syndrome
Does anyone here feel (fear) that once your parents are gone, your links to extended family (aunts/uncles/cousins) will take a huge hit? And that could include extended family right here in the USA. I have a large clan in NJ that gets together very often…but lately I’ve been realising that the impetus for that is mainly the strong ties amongst our parents’ generation…I see my cousins all the time, but it’s often because their parents want to meet mine, and that leads to a family get-together. I think if my parents weren’t around, I’d see my uncles/aunts a lot less often. And not for any specific reason other than simple drifting apart, and being too preoccupied with other things in life. Which is sad because I really do love them and I know they love me.
On a positive note, it’s great to see the next generation of the family (who are 2nd and in some cases 3rd cousins to each other) interact with each other, have sleep-overs and what not, and be not only cousins but friends too.
Ironically, if I had kids, I’d make a bigger effort to keep in touch with cousins, because I’d want my kids to grow up with their kids.
Both my parents went back, separately (they’re divorced), upon retirement. Neither had really talked about ‘going back’ before. So I’ve been left somewhat bewildered, especially as I’m an only child, and we have no family members in the country. I sometimes feel like a stray speck of dust they deposited in an alien continent. Anyone else have this weird rootless experience? Occasionally I’m resentful they did this to me.
Yes. And they did, especially my links with people in India.
Yes, it could. In my case, it did.
i saw this film at the melbourne film festival last year, and loved it. i think the fact that the sound and the pictures were recorded separately really puts this documentary in a class of its own. i especially remember the bit where yash suri is talking about how people pronounce his name, the raw emotion in his voice is powerful stuff.
Amitabh- I totally feel you on that. I want my kids to enjoy a big extended family too (though that’s many many years away), but I worry that I don’t do enough to keep up with my cousins by myself; my mother is closer to them than I am. I have several e-mails from months ago that I still haven’t responded to… but I’m thankful that the Internet makes it easier to keep in touch with cousins not only in India but also in the U.S.
yes!!!
i kind of count my year-end achievements in precisely this way. my pride and joy this year has been to initiate contact and regular email relationships with some older cousins. one can go after meaningful relationships that are not based on mercenary reasons, but it’s the old problem in northam with keeping physical and emotional distances. at the end of the day, relatives will stick with you however long the separation – that said, i got some real winners in my extended family – but yea! you roll with the punches.
I have an aunt and uncle that have pretty much moved back, it’s not quite permanent yet but the aunt has spent most of the past year there. Their son (born and raised in the USA, with the exception of a year of boarding school in India) actually also goes to school in India (but in a separate state), so it kind of works out for them.
Pretty much every 2nd genner’s parents went through the planning-to-return phase – mine actually acted on it! There were several families in my parents’ friends circle that returned to the homeland when their kids were young (in my case, I was 10). Moving back was voluntary – all the families were well established here. An odd phenomenon, though – almost all of the said 2nd gen (1.5 gen?) kids chose to come to the US for college, and almost all their parents also moved with them, back to the country they’d left 15 or 20 years before. So, we’re all back right where we started!
I think that it’s interesting that parents like mine decided to follow their kids back to the country they voluntarily left years ago. There must be some underlying insight about nuclear families to be extracted from that 😉 Had I not personally known five or six other cases, I would have thought that my family was just weird 🙂
dont be resentful young man. it’ll put hair on your chest. in my case i shave my nose now. so it may cramp your dating options.
I completely agree with you, Amitabh, on the possibility of severed ties to large families with the parents’ generation, particularly in India.
I saw the I for India documentary a few months ago and loved it. It was really touching and definitely revealed another perspective on immigration and keeping in touch— for me, it helped put me in my mom/dad’s shoes.
The other jarring thing is seeing how old my parents as well as my uncles/aunts have gotten lately. These were the heroes of my childhood and now they look like how I remember my grandparents looking when I was a kid. Also, my mom’s siblings lately remind me so much of my mom, and my dad’s siblings of my dad…so it brings forth the same feelings of tenderness and attachment I have to my parents…and the fear of losing them all as time moves on. In the last few months I’ve told a few of them that I love them, something which I never normally say, and I’ve gotten beautiful, warm reactions.
This clip and this thread just got me thinking of things which have been under the surface of my thoughts for a while now.
I do, I hate the feeling…i’ve made a futile attempt at justifying it as some kind of new demographic, i’m helping to forge a new kind of identity…but the feeling of restlessness that I guess comes from not knowing anything about where you come from always comes back.
There are so many posts I identify with in this thread.
These comments are all so bitter-sweet. Losing contact with that part of my culture is scary, my parents made the effort to have us know our extended Indian family, but getting older now, you realise the onus will be on you to keep up those connections. Part of my worry is that while I’m aware of what it means to be South Asian outside of India, that doesn’t necessarily translate into being part of our family’s particular type of Indian. Plus, we don’t really have familial traditions that provide a solid cultural link back to grandparents and great-grandparents. Also, the further down the generational line you go, the more dispersed the family is, and with my cousins the distance only gets greater. Sure, you can be friends on Facebook, but it’s not at all the same.
all the comments speak of ABD’s and DBD’s who feel a sense of rootlessness.. but there are people like us here in india who have close family ( brother/ sister) in the US and get a sense that we are losing them slowly.. a meeting once a year/ two years and weekly calls make a poor substitute to having them around 🙁
It’s weighing very heavily on my mind at present. Like, this life doesn’t seem to be even worth it. Why aspire to be something or someone in a society where you don’t even feel welcome?
I don’t feel welcome here. This weekend, I was stopped by cops for like the 13th time since Sept. 11th. Clearly, I’m too tall, or too brown, or too something for them. It’s the nail that sticks out that gets hammered down 🙁
Good to see Amitabh back. This post is too close to home for me not to comment. But later. Gotta run.
Any particular reason the DVD is so expensive? How on earth can it cost 400 bucks 🙁
I saw it last year on Arte, an artsy-fartsy German and French cable channel. They seem to replay a lot of stuff, so if you can get this channel, keep an eye out for the movie e.g. here .
I identify o so much with everybody on here it’s scary! Becoming a full-member of the Indian diaspora in the 21st century is probably one of the most exciting things that could happen to you. It is such a contradictory experience.
The film is being screened right now at the Institute of Contemporary Arts in London. http://www.ica.org.uk/I%20for%20India+15487.twl
Any particular reason the DVD is so expensive? How on earth can it cost 400 bucks 🙁
The company is probably presuming its main market is going to be university libraries, which can afford to shell out, or student groups in colleges, who might rent it for $125.
My suggestion is to put in an order to Amazon.ca and wait for it to be in stock again.
Yeah, my parents are thinking of moving back as well, and have bought a flat (their eventual retirement home) in India to seal the deal… but I wonder if it is telling that they chose a location full of former NRI’s?
I’d love to watch that documentary, though. As a person whose spent the majority of her life outside of India, I’d be interested to see the development of the family in India. I sort of wish I could witness the same in my own family as, while we can easily keep in touch over email and phone, seeing them change is something different entirely and, with each trip to India, I see more and more changes.
Every once in a while, I sit down and start thinking about this. Then again, having been here only for a little while (6 years and 11 days), I am in touch with my generation of relatives, regularly. My 8 year old niece, the youngest of the bunch, makes sure that I talk to her every time I call home.
I guess at some point in my life, I will start craving to see more of them and that is when it will hit me harder.
These were the heroes of my childhood and now they look like how I remember my grandparents looking when I was a kid. Also, my mom’s siblings lately remind me so much of my mom, and my dad’s siblings of my dad…so it brings forth the same feelings of tenderness and attachment I have to my parents…and the fear of losing them all as time moves on.
I have been feeling the same way of late. It’s terribly strange, the human condition, where you are fated to lose everyone – yes everyone – you love.
I just searched NYU’s media library, but no results… Maybe if someone can find it at their University library, they can arrange a little screening.
Krish***: Yeah, I’m there too. Were you born here or in India? I haven’t been harassed since 9/11, but the atmosphere even up here in Canada seems to be getting more xenophobic. I was born here, but there are so many times I feel deeply alienated. I have good friends, but they are mainly non-Indian, and are not like family. On the other hand, I also feel alienated on trips back to India. I’m a regular North American woman, have had my share of relationships and flings, have put off marriage and children, and I find myself a truly misunderstood pariah in my family. I’m called selfish, unconcerned, uncaring for choices which are common here. So I’m caught between the vacuum of this place and the disapproval of that place. Right now I’m trying to forge stronger bonds here – bonds to my neighbourhood, friends and artistic community. It’s helping a bit, but I still get assailed by that feeling of futility you describe.
I saw this film on the plane back to UK for a recent trip . A lot of the issues resonated with me as my own father emigrated to the Uk around the same time as this father and i grew up there.
Having lived in the states the last 6 years , it’s not just our parents who think about ‘going back’ to where you feel is home. I certainly feel one day i may move back to the uk with my husband as we have no immediate family here in the states and while it’s been great, it’s at certain times of the year and in a recent medical emergency when we realised having close family around was so important to us. Friends are fab but sometimes it’s difficult plus it feels like impositions. Also having the grandparents nearby is handy when there are kids in the equation.
The film brought many poignant moments for me, like at the beginning when the mother is at a function and the guy makes subtle yet condascending comments about india and you can see her feel uncomfortable. . The skinheads footage was a sharp trip down memory lane…very unpleasant.
It was a really great documentary.
Floridian (#24), thank you very much.
DR1001 (#34), it’s interesting you should say that…I’ve met many UK-raised desis who have moved to the States or Canada, and they miss the UK in much the same way that people from India miss India. They describe childhoods spent in desi enclaves like Southall, where they grew up with their extended families, went to schools that were majority desi (spoke Punjabi in the playground, etc) and went to day-timers (bhangra gigs that used to be held during the day since desi families wouldn’t let their kids stay out too late at night). They remember the summertime melas (fairs). They are nostalgic about the informal, very social atmosphere, where desi friends (and lots of them) would just drop in unannounced and oftentimes stay for dinner. They feel relatively isolated and alone here in the US. Ironically, their parents back in the UK are still nostalgic about India. So I guess it’s a cycle…
There is another contemporary movie about the experience of an Indian going to Britain. It too has performances by non professionals – at least, they don’t display any evidence of acting ability.
I am Mr. Suri and Mr. Ganguli both rolled into one (age 55, came to the US in 1973). This post hit me on a visceral level. Trust Sepia Mutiny to find these obscure diasporic topics that turn an otherwise normal, hyperactive Monday into a day of deep introspection needlessly. I thank you!
Speaking from personal experience, which also incorporates that of over 50 fellow immigrants that I see somewhat regularly and over 500 that I have known over the last 35 years in the US, I will confirm most of the opinions expressed upthread and refute some of them.
There might be several reasons for our not wanting to return, and the pitifully low Indian salaries do not quite explain it. A 62-year old desi can draw about $1,500 in SSI, which is Rs. 60,000 a month. If his spouse also had a 40-quarter work history in the US, she could receive a similar amount. Rs. 120,000 a month is still a huge income even in metros such as Delhi and Mumbai. In smaller towns, it is a king’s ransom.
So money is not the reason the older desis stay put in the US. The truth is that we are quite adjusted to life here. The more educated and cultivated among us obviously live a more mainstreamed lifestyle. The low-brow live a much more desi life which, too, has a substance of its own. I once asked my nephew’s in-laws, who are originally from Kenya, how they managed to live their entire lives in conditions so inhospitable to outsiders, and they described a life that was not so different from the Indian diaspora in the US, sans American amenities, of course. Diasporas everywhere – even that of the British ruling class that lived in India during the Raj – spawn an insular, self-contained lifestyle that may look woefully inadequate to outsiders but is quite complete and sustainable to the insiders.
My generation has not only come to terms with America but has developed a micro-culture that is nourishing, meaningful and long-term. That is why most of us don’t return, the nostalgic ramblings of Saturday nights notwithstanding.
I sadly confirm the fact that your connections to India are going to snap when your parents pass away – unless, of course, you have taken extra pains to forge your own, peer-to-peer relationships with your friends and relatives back home. If you value that – and there is nothing wrong if you don’t – then I suggest you make the small sacrifices of time and convenience it normally takes to keep relationships alive. You can rely on e-mail and Facebook, but at 7 cents a minute, you can certainly afford to call often. It is a pain to call a relative in Delhi who merely broke an ankle, especially due to the time difference. But do it if you are serious about keeping the flame burning.
Nala in #4 wonders what it must have been like for the old-timers who came to the US. It was easy! Most of us old-timers came to the US when we were very young – read, wide-eyed, exuberant, with nothing to lose and everything to gain. The fact is that despite the menial minimum-wage jobs we did and the grimy apartments we dwelled in, I can’t remember any period of my life that was so exciting. It was no sacrifice at all.
Finally, despite my 35 years in the US and being quite at ease with American values and American living, this old-timer is returning to India in 3 years. Hopefully it is not an X+1 for me. As a friend of mine suggested, “Stay global,” which I fully intend to do. My motive for returning is not exactly nostalgia. Fortunately, I get enough of India as it is. I just feel that the things I want to accomplish in the final chapter of my life are more possible over there than here.
Floridian, my dad came to the US just a few years before you did.
Sometimes, when you leave answers like this, the voice I hear in my head is his. I’m grateful to both of you.
the old pen and paper doesnt hurt either. [btw – i still write out thank you notes and christmas cards by hand. why? because i got a damn fine paw that’s why … hrrmph… and in case you were wondering, i had a beard and was balding when in grade 2].
nice introspective post Floridian. Appreciate the insights.
Floridian: I daresay the primary motive for many DBDs to return to India is to participate in an incresible economic boom and in certain cases, be an agent in a country’s transformation. This may be more the case for people in their 20s / 30s who are building a career than those who have established a career here (though I suspect in your case, this may be different). I have even seen this with a number of 20/30 something ABDs seeking an interesting career / cultural move.
Most people I know in their 50s are so established socially and professionally here that its harder to move, though even in this case, I have seen people move back to do something very interesting from a professional and charitable perspective.
Floridian, thank you for your post. Our time lines for return are similar although my stay in America has only been a little over 6 years to date. I am going back in the next three years and my motivation is family. I came here all alone like many others and try to go back every year and call home as often as I can, but seeing my parents turn old while I am away is worrying. I want to spend my time with them and not regret it later when I can’t change anything. I have realized that at some point in life money is not the only motivator and I strongly believe that professionally and personally I have a lot more I can achieve in back home. Three years from now is to establish a more comfortable monetary cushion which will give me some funds towards setting base.
I saw the film two years ago in Auckland at the New Zealand International Film Festival. Thought it was great. I discovered that a lot of non-gora migrants share the story and it is not unique just to us desis.
Another film I recommend is ‘JOHN AND JANE’. A documentary film about call centre workers in Bombay.
Cheers, S.
Has anyone experienced this: My parents moved to the US in the late 80’s and they really don’t keep in touch with any of their relatives. We see cousins at Thanksgiving and at Christmas, even though they are not even an hour away. As for relatives in India, with the exception of my father’s parents, they’ve lost track of cousins and only get news of siblings from grand parents.
What hope to I have to build relationships and have a large family for my children to one day enjoy, when I don’t even know the names of these family members (and my parent’s hardly remember too)?
Floridian,
My dad came to Canada the year before you did and I guess a little after Anna’s father did. I don’t think he is as comfortable with the culture as his children are (3 kids aged 21-27, none of whom have gotten married yet. He’s afraid he won’t live to have grandkids because he got married late). I’m so happy to see that you love the US though. I’m just glad that there is one happy post on this topic. This is actually the first time I’ve ever thought about what my relationships will be with relatives after my parents pass. I’ve always been so worried about the actual event occurring, as my parents are older, that I never wondered about what ties would be lost with my family in Pakistan. I’ve only been there once, with my parents, and I barely know any of my relatives, even the ones who live in North America. I have a few cousins on facebook and msn and the ones that I’ve met I hope I’ll stay in contact with, but there are hundreds of others. And don’t forget about the stories. While my mom constantly retells stories about when she was young, I have heard almost none from my father, unless I persuade him to tell me something. I know nothing about my grandparents on his side, and I don’t speak urdu very well so conversing with relatives in Pakistan would be quite difficult for me. When I did go to Pakistan, my sister and I would only speak English for fear of embarrassing ourselves. This is making me sad. I think, to lose my parents and then everything else along with it, including part of my heritage would be overwhelming. Sorry about the long post.
I mean no disrespect to anyone but I have a genuine question. To the ABDs that have gone back to their parents’ home country once or never or the last time many years ago, do your parents go back to the respective countries often? I understand that it is an expensive proposition and there are other priorities which one may have. Were your parents insistent that you go back when you were younger and as you grew older the pressure that your parents may have put turned you off? Once again I genuinely mean to ask these questions and mean no disrespect.
Floridian, I think your comments in #37 were wonderful…but I’ll respectfully disagree with the above characterization. Not that it’s untrue, but there seems to be a value judgement there, in terms of which one is a superior choice. I have found that those living a more desi life in the West, often impart (usually inadvertently) more of a desi flavor to their kids’ upbringing. And the more mainstreamed lifestyle often leads to the empty, rootless feelings that some people on this thread have described…the lack of a sense of who you are and where you come from. You see this a lot in the UK…kids from areas like Southall are very different from kids who grew up as one of the only desis in town. It’s quite a sight to see young kids driving their BMWs (loaded with friends) on Southall Broadway, with UK bhangra music blaring, and PUTT JATTAN DE stickers on their cars…those kids, for all their personality flaws (and they have a lot), have no identity crisis at least.
38 · A N N A on December 17, 2007 02:34 PM · Direct link
“Sometimes, when you leave answers like this, the voice I hear in my head is his. I’m grateful to both of you.”
I’m honored.
46 Amitabh: “Not that it’s untrue, but there seems to be a value judgement there, “
No value judgment at all! Why did you assume that mainstreaming was inherently superior to ethnicity? Then you overturned this supposed superiority by drawing a caricature of mainstreaming in terms of UK Bhangra and so on, and that isn’t a fair representation of mainstreamed desis, either. Anyway, our differences on this issue are moot because the mainstreamed, first-generation desis are not so at the expense of ethnicity. The two traits do co-exist.
“I have found that those living a more desi life in the West, often impart (usually inadvertently) more of a desi flavor to their kids’ upbringing.”
I would tend to agree despite the numerous examples to the contrary. Again, I would insist that many families leading a more mainstreamed life in the West could be quite desi at the same time, and vice versa.
41 · brown on December 17, 2007 03:16 PM · Direct link
“I came here all alone like many others and try to go back every year and call home as often as I can, but seeing my parents turn old while I am away is worrying. I want to spend my time with them and not regret it later when I can’t change anything.”
I admire you and wish you the best of luck.
Floridian,
Thank you once again, yours are the kind of comments that I visit SM for. I absolutely understand that none of our experiences are definitive and I seek to learn from the experiences of people such as yourself.
One question for Floridian #37.
My husband and I have occasionally entertained the thought of returning to Delhi. There are several advantages to that, as also some negatives. But everytime, what it comes down to for me at least, are the children (who are adults now). I feel that by coming to the US when we were young, bright eyed and carefree, our kids were denied the comforting cocoon of the extended family that we ourselves were used to. If we go back, I feel that they might feel the same way CB #10 does. We will be depriving them a second time. Although I am sure they won’t say it or even anticipate it, I feel it will happen – no matter how simple it is nowadays to keep in touch across continents including frequent travel both ways.
Floridian, do you have children? How do they feel about your impending return to India?
Beautiful. Yash and Sandhya Suri are my new desi documentary heroes!
If this comes out in the U.S. (theatrically or otherwise) I hope we will get word of it here on SM.