A column (thanks, Fuerza Dulce) from the women’s magazine Marie-Claire on Anjali Mansukhani’s enthusiasm for arranged marriages (including her own), didn’t really start in what seemed like the best possible way:
By age 26, after attending more than 150 weddings, I was fast approaching my “expiration date.” (link)
“Expiration date” at age 26? That’s pretty young; personally, I think women get “expired” these days at around 27 or 28…
But it gets so much better. Anjali, a Bombayite, meets a guy who seems like Mr. Right — a New York based banker — and moves to his 40th story Manhattan apartment after three dates (and a marriage). Life there is blissfully happy:
While I craved privacy in India, the lack of neighbors and family dropping in left a shocking void every day as I ate breakfast and lunch alone. My husband worked late most evenings, and I sat in front of the TV, unable to call home because it would be 2 a.m. there.
After a few weeks, I learned that I’d married a “jetrosexual.” He had an exhausting travel schedule (four cities in four days). I joined the ranks of corporate wives who saw every show, opera, and ballet in town, just to fill the hours.
To make friends, I joined a gym, went to the library, and took Italian classes. I discovered that having an arranged marriage was a great icebreaker, and my social circle mushroomed each time I retold my story.
Marriage, I soon learned, wasn’t easy — especially to a modern man. My husband had acquired a mistress, and her name was BlackBerry. She had the power to stop discussions midsentence, her red signal lighting up his face in the way I only dreamed of doing. (link)
Such happiness. It really brightens your day.
Off to a great start, no doubt. But Anjali’s new life really takes off when she learns to name-drop consumer goods and lifestyle choices like a professional New Yorker:
As peers in India opted for motherhood and worked on post-baby waistlines, I took Spinning and pole dancing at the gym to work off exotic dinners of sweetbreads, foie gras, chocolate mousse. After reading about America’s obsession with Venti decaf skim mochas, I went to try one — but came back instead with a spiced chai latte. Amazingly, Starbucks was providing my childhood drink on every corner.
I found a job as a financial consultant. The New York Times in one hand, coffee in the other, I realized that my saris of bright pink, violet, and salmon were not exactly subway wear. Quickly, I succumbed to Levi’s and Ralph Lauren.
I started to realize that I just might have the best of both worlds. I marinated my Indian marriage in the flavors of Manhattan. I kept the sari and bought the Jimmy Choos. I made fabulous curries, seasoned with spices from Dean & Deluca. And after months of enjoying decidedly non-Indian experiences of seders, Saks, and sake, I felt confident enough to direct Indian guests to a hotel, occasionally throwing in a MetroCard.
I’m not hating, really I’m not. In fact, I’m thrilled she’s so happy — with those Jimmy Choos that she got from Bloomie’s, drinking Chai Tea Latte at Starbucks (which is just like the Chai in India, isn’t it?), before her pole-dancing class, where she’ll burn off the foie gras from the night before. Arranged marriage can be great that way.
Inspired by Jasmine I have to say that although I appreciate HMF’s endeavors to highlight the plight of men in this world, as a woman and also knowing the HIStory of womankind throughout the centuries, being that we have been our own minority (not in the statistical sense) and underclass in practically every culture known on this planet, we need to cut this lady (the author of the piece) and women in general some slack. Alot of pressures have been put upon women throughout the years to conform to the strict and oftentimes harsh expectations of them – looks, behaviour, sexuality, chastity, house-keeping, child-rearing, upholders of virtues and morals and religious codes, cultural ambasadors, traditional clothing and rituals, etc. These societal burdens are more often put on women than men. Yes, many men are expected to be the bread winners, but then, with more mobility they are also given more freedom in deciding how to spend the money they earn.
Women in return got what? A roof over their heads and some small monetary “allowance” while at the same time working hard to maintain an appearance that they are upholding the values of their particular culture and suffering through sexual sessions that are more often than not less than satisfying and we were supposed to be “thankful” just for that?
The fact that someone mentioned the looks of Anjali as being below standard for a rich man’s wife – what exactly is that supposed to mean? Rich men are somehow entitled to beauty queens? There is nothing beyond beauty that qualifies a woman for a man? How about asking what he looks like? How about considering that in his opinion his wife is beautiful and that she has other outstanding qualities as well that made him love her? How about considering that she is a professional, working woman as well, as stated in her article, just like her husband, and hence, is not using him as a personal bank account but has money of her own?
For all the bullshit that we women have had to endure through the ages, I personally cheer any woman who managed to get a lifestlye that makes her even slightly happy. Hope the same for your mothers, sisters and daughters, because more often than not, they have had to endure several kilos of poison just to get a single drop of nectar from this male dominated world!!!
?
Yeah. There’s some research that shows drinking milk just before hump-fest actually increases the sperm count and their motility, thus increasing the chances of fertilization. Some people even reported rupturing of condom after they drank milk and had sex – those sperms were unstoppable!
sigh can’t state my thoughts without being accused of being politically correct. no one’s denying biology, just questioning the extent of it.
I better get cracking on my banjo practice lessons then.
Pardesi Gori, please let me know how I can help with your gender change.
OK, and why, pray tell, would any young woman want to get pregnant on their wedding night???
I dunno. Pussy-whipped guys?
Because women (except these ones) are programmed to nurture, and their entire life from puberty onwards is directed towards the sole goal of finding the sperm carrier who will make it possible.
Don’t you know that the power of pussy is the ultimate power women have?? I mean, if you don’t have sex with a guy, then can get blue balls and die!!
Sorry Amit, men have not been sufficiently pusy whipped, except for maybe by their mothers. But in most traditional joint family households, desi and non, the “woman of the house” is usually the mother of the husband, not his wife. Generally it’s the wife who got pusy whipped by her mother in law, as well as c*ck whipped by her husband. You know this is true.
then again there’s donald trump trading in his wife every couple of years for a younger model. and there’s hugh hefner who’s essentially living a more sexualized version of polygyny.
I doubt many men really want their wives to get pregnant so soon either.
This is totally true, but to reiterate my defense of the arranged marriage- there is complete freedom from the pressures of dating or the feeling that you are going to be abandoned. In India the poor and the rich cat around; their squalour or wealth ordains that ordinary moral strictures tend not to apply. But its the middle class that has security and commitment. Yes, it goes awry upon occasion. But overall (and I’ve lived in both places), western girls here seem unhappier to me than girls working the system in India.
Manju #348 – the traits you bring up (humor, talent, good looks tied into manly man or charismatic professions) actually don’t invalidate evolutionary psychology. it still goes with the theory that men place a greater importance on looks (& i’m not so stupid as to think anything will ever change that), whereas women place a greater emphasis on what the guy will do for her/her progeny or how he ‘makes her feel.’
Haha, be flippant no more. I’ve seen girls light up when someone plays the harmonica. A six week crash course in guitar, a black shirt and a chain or leather cuff bracelet should do it. You’d pull some previously disdainful girl out there somewhere (everyone has one) and suddenly wonder whether she is worth quitting your job and living in roachland while you go on tour.
Personally, I’d keep the day job.
To transition from a young virgin to an expectan mother over night is not the dream of even the most nurturing of women. We want a chance to grow into the marriage and do some sexual experimentation before being weighed down by an extra 30 pounds and a protruding belly, which does make some positions impossible, even if pregnancy hormones are making us the horniest we’ve ever been. And, would you believe some women cannot even indulge in sex during pregnancy because it’s a taboo in some cultures? Another reason why Anjali and the rest of us should be given some slack. Of all the things to endure, having to be abstinate when you are at the peak of horniness is one of the worst, and it’s another expectation of women.
Are they not expected to play with the rabbit? That’s tough.
Jasmine, I agree if you are lucky enough to marry into a nice family that understands you and does not at all obstruct any of your movements to control you, and you manage by the grace of providence to get arranged to a man who you fall in love with, that the Indian arranged marriage and joint family system can be a great and fulfilling experience. But it does not often play out that way. There is alot of drama often. And the majority of middle class Indian families living in small towns and villages are very very conservative compared to the west. We would see the young wives lives therein and say that they are being controlled and obstructed more often than not. Permission is sought to leave the home. Drama ensues if some family member does not want you to go for a weekend to your own mother’s house, etc. I’ve seen non desi friends try to conform to that, as well as the desi families trying to understand and accomodate them, and it was such a mess that some families broke up and some airplane tickets were bought. Yeah, in the cities women are much more mobile, but in the heartland of the Nagpurs and Ghaziabads, what I say largely holds true. Some are happy, some are not. But all will say they are happy.
But UAE.. India is now more urban than rural. And my experience is out of Delhi and Chandigrath and Jaipur and Goa, etc. I met so many secure women in these places, who would never be able to comprehend the transient, polymorphic instrument that sexuality is in the west. It is based on living in these areas that I actually came to the realization there is a lot to be said for arranged marriage..
And another point Jasmine is that the arranged marriage system as you know it is couched in a particular cultural context, that, although alot of American girls may be miserable and lonely, still they may opt for that over the particular cultural context (joint family system and all that entails – the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, and the dramatic) of the arranged marriage system as you and I know it. Sure, the American girls may desire a strong, stable, longterm committment. But few would trade their “freedom” of thought and movement as they know it in their cultural context for the “security” of an arranged marriage in the Indian joint family cultural context. For such a thing to be made truly attractive for such women, you would have to divorce much of what makes the Indian arranged marriage system actually work, that is the network of large families living very closely, both physically and emotionally, together. The westerners love for privacy and personal autonomy is enough to make such a system unattractive, despite all of it’s other benefits. If however, autonomy and an arranged marriage could be “married”, perhaps then you would have a market for such. I know I’d be game!
Its happening more and more, UAE; one of the big reasons that the culture has created the expectataion for people to live jointly is the space consideration in India- most people can’t afford their own homes in a place where land is at a premium. When couples live in the west, this is far less the case because even in a city like New York living on one’s own can be realistically accommodated- even the author of the story that we’ve all supposedly been discussing reports giving people directions to a hotel!
And even among certain families in India, if they can afford it, some couples live on their own- due to western influence.
anguished about the genetic imperative that makes all, ok, most (see, i am unbiased) men rapists and unashamedly call yourself that. it’s called keeping it real.
Am I supposed to take this seriously?
really wealthy men don’t have really hot wives. certainly not on wall st. don’t believe me? go down the forbes list starting with buffet, gates, etc and see what you get. but i know lots of cops and firefighters with some smoking wives. good-looking, athletic retail brokers are often doing a lot better than their nerdier (and wealthier) ibanking or trading colleagues too.
You’ve done exactly what PM called me out for doing, that is, using outlier cases to prove the rule. Musicians are most definitely an outlying case. You think this some how proves women aren’t attracted to, or have money as criteria for mate selection?
As for the really wealthy men dont have hot wives, again, choosing outliers. have a look at Bill Gate’s girlfriend, for ex, stefanie rachel, who was very pretty. Check out the women with hollywood producers.
Jasmine, India is NOT more urban than rural. Far from it. And I’m not saying it should be. Jaipur, while a fantastic and cultural city, is still considered one of the most conservative ones, by Indians themselves. Goonghat is a common site there, at least it was when I went there a few years ago, and the rest of Rajasthan is even more conservative when it comes to the position of women. I also cannot relate totally to the transient, polymorphic instrument (or entity?) that sexuality has become for many in the west, but I also know that behind the vaneer or “morality” in India, is alot of seediness such as widespread sexual harrassment of women in public places by men who have chaste wives at home preparing the evening roti with Ma. I guess in one sense I respect the openness and frankness that accompanies the sexual mores of the west, just for it’s honesty really, although I’m not about to enter the roller coaster of casual sex partners any time soon.
Jasmine, while economics may play a small part in the joint family system of India, a bigger part is played by a culture that has built alot of folklore around the saas-bahu relationship. A dharm-patni is one who serves selflessly with a smiling face the family of her husband. She is the griha lakshmi who is supposed to care reverentially for her elders (in laws) and bring happiness to all. That is part of grihasta dharma. Even the richest families in India are living like this, despite having more than enough money to live separately. And nothing is wrong with this way of life if it benefits all involved. But understanding the folklore and larger cultural ethos of India even a little bit will reveal to anyone that the family set up there is based on things way beyond finances.
A man’s duty is to stay with and care for his parents in old age. His wife is to assist that. Elders who do not have their son and bahu living with them are pitied.
I’ve actually heard people, including a professor, argue that this is the logical follow-through to the ‘women are wired for relationships, men are wired for sex’ deal. Like I’ve said before, I don’t doubt that this is true on a very basic level (and let me amend what I said before to add that what many women enjoy about sex is the emotional closeness is brings… but then again there are some who don’t quite care). What I find problematic about this is that when people believe that we can thank evolution for our modern-day behavior, they basically reduce men to walking penises, purge them of responsibility for their actions, and lay the blame on women. ‘She showed her ankle! She must be raped!’ or ‘She was wearing a short skirt, so she must have been asking for it!’ And more recently, shit like this. And in lesser instances, things like ‘Ooh look at that teenage girl who’s just trying to study for her test. I am entitled to leer at her and grope her because that’s just natural for men!’
*partly
I tried googling her, but she doesn’t seem to exist.
why artists and musician types get a lot of action.
UAE, the reason that the culture and the folklore has evolved this way is because it is the only way that families could be successful, due to the scarcity of land. Culture is always the way it is for a reason; it is always a dependent variable. Family relationships coaelesce around basic variables like the urban/rural divide, whether a society is agrarian or hunter/gatherer, what the climate is like, what the yield potential of the land is, what type of food is readily available, and so on. The culture doesn’t dictate these mores, rather it is shaped by them. If a particular way of living is successful on a reproductive fitness level, it is perpetuated, if it is not then it the group of people who don’t abide by it outcompete those who do, all else being equal. But even the most benign cultural practice is contextual- that is, it makes sense for the particular environment you find it in.
For the first time ever, this year the world overall is more urban than rural. The Middle East, which is my research speciality, has 80 percent of the people living in cities. On closer examination, India is not this urban but it is following the trend and the ultimate projection, given the number of people migrating and the current rate of development is that it, too will end up as heavily urbanized.
Yes, but they’re following mainstream culture, which is what works for the majority. I guarantee you that if Indians had the entire of North America to colonize, they would not live in joint families.
i want to believe you’re right hmf. your theory fits well with my right-wing ideology of lifes intrinsic unfairness. but anecdotally it doesn’t add up. the entire forbes list is not an outliner case. trump and silvio berlusconi seem ot be excetptions. just look at the men in the white house too, or ceos of the the fortune 500. i think hollywood, which you mention, is more of an outliner case because of the role of beauty in the industry.
personally, i solve this problem by being a part of snoop’s entourage – music and bling-bling in one convenient package (ahem!) i like how i can keep my mind on my money and my money with him. and after, he’s done with me, he passes me on to his buddies. it ain’t no fun if the homies can’t have none. we all respeck how momma nature made us. i ho, and they pimp. ( hey, didn’t some foo’ say true pimps pay no dough for the booty?)
that should be outliers, not outliners
purge them of responsibility for their actions, and lay the blame on women.
Wait a minute, to say men are genetically predisposed to process females “visually” in the sense of assessing fertility, is not the same as granting them carte blanche to rape and explain it away with hardwiring. Doing so is an exercise in DL-style exaggeration, rape is a crime.
No one claims that human beings also have physiological & hardwired sensors for “food” but that isn’t used as rationale to explain and exonerate every robbery where the robber claims he was hungry, and only wanted to buy food.
I tried googling her, but she doesn’t seem to exist.
spelled the name wrong, it’s stefanie reichel. no picture exists, but one brief identifies her as “pretty”
oh yeah, right. i forgot. men have the superior ability to modulate their behavior according to social and ethical norms, something the easily distracted women who hanker after shiny objects are not gifted with. my mistake.
Pardesi Gori, many of your statements are true. However, your understanding of India seems to be limited to Northern India. There is another India out there where the joint family system is dead. Everyone leaves home once they are married. ‘Thani kudithanam’ as they say in Tamil.
but anecdotally it doesn’t add up. the entire forbes list is not an outliner case.
how is bill gates and warren buffet the entire forbes 500. Also, you’re going by their wives alone, whose to say they don’t have extramarital affairs with younger, better looking women? Also, I never claimed money alone was an alpha trait, only that it indeed was an alpha trait, and in the cases where it did yield a hot fem partner, it wasn’t some kind of proxy for other qualities.
just look at the men in the white house too,
You have to look at the women when they were married, not when their husbands took office. It’s a different story then.
your theory fits well with my right-wing ideology of lifes intrinsic unfairness.
I dont give a f*ck about your right wing ideology.
Rahul, no worries — you were missed.
port and dravidian lurker, thanks for making me smile 🙂
nala, I think part of this is that you and I are in a completely different generation of women. We have different expectations of our partners, and we also have a different outlook on money and success — largely because most of us are already as “high powered” (or whatever) as we want to be.
Nearly every convo around this topic, esp. with HMF, seems to come around this stupid fertility/attractiveness vs. money/shallowness argument with the punch line being, “Why aren’t women honest about being gold diggers?” You have plenty of women on this blog who are consistently honest — they just don’t fit into the prescriptive box you’ve drawn. This back and forth happens every time and GOES NOWHERE. Are we really still discussing this?
Also, if you take the Starbucks Tazo Chai tea bag and have them steep it in milk it tastes more like real chai. Just to throw that out there 🙂 Still don’t know anyone who buys haldi or zeera at D&D though.
they’re not. i said look at the forbes lists, starting with bil and warren. by picking gates alledgedly pretty ex, you are using an oulier.
not really.
men have the superior ability to modulate their behavior according to social and ethical norms
lets not forget they also have the superior ability to engage in sarcastic exaggerations of people’s statements and not cry waah when it’s done to them.
by picking gates alledgedly pretty ex, you are using an oulier.
uhh no Im not, Im saying if gates was able to land a hot fem, it probably had a lot to do with his being the CEO of a large company and the money/power that came with it.
not really.
yeah, JFK didn’t have any extramarital affairs either right ?
Puli: If you arrange it, absolutely.
I still don’t understand why you would when you can get that stuff at the Indian market for madd cheap.
yeah, JFK didn’t have any extramarital affairs either right ?
well, there’s nothing really spectacular about most president’s wives, even when young. hillary? barbara? laura? probably nancy was the best, but ronnie was hollywood. jackie was overrated, but marilyn made up for it. monica cancels out marylyn.
i know firefighters who do better.
I’m with you! I don’t know why you would do this unless you lived somewhere with no desi stores (i.e. not NYC), but even then, if you weren’t in NYC you probably aren’t anywhere near a Dean & Deluca, either. 🙂
Has anyone checked if they actually carry Indian spices? I mean, if they did, maybe her reference, along with references to Burberry’s, Barney’s, etc etc, even the MetroCard (by my reckoning) – just might be totally innocent. On the other hand, if nobody (either brown or unbrown) would buy them at D&D, why would D&D even carry them?
But you have to grant she photographed well!
y’know, joe kennedy paid her to stay with jfk. i think this is relevant to the discussion.
Everywhere I’ve been the joint family system was in place, north and south. Never saw a region where it was completely dead, but I’ve not been to all states in India so you may be right. Which states would those be? Mizoram? Nagaland?
And the Onnassis thing? Not that HMF needs ammunition.
BTW, portmanteau, I really liked your rejoinder here
HMF, I’ve watched that video, and somehow I don’t think that cashing on an IQ test makes you all that smart, because the guy is a bit of a wackjob.. He advocates sterilizing the populace at the age of twelve and then making them apply to the government to have children. Did you happen to look at that thing before you posted it? ;o