A slightly Anonymous Tipster operating via the chimney which is our News tab gifted me with a robust cup of breakfast-reading which perked me right up.
How’s that for two utterly unrelated metaphors? Huh? Yeeeah, boyee.
Now you are surely not asking, “what got you all twitchy and agitated, Anna?”, but I am going to gift you with an answer anyway! I’m hyper thanks to the latest advice column from Cary Tennis, which is published at Salon.
Today’s edition of Cary-wisdom is inspired by a letter writer (LW) who can be neatly summed up by the title of the column:
I don’t want to be a doctor!
Fair enough, LW. A good number of us did or didn’t, but I want to know more about you, even as part of me groans, knowing I will regret it and get all uber-bitch on your ass by the end of this.
Aug. 28, 2007 | Dear Cary,
I am 20 years old, go to a state university, and am severely confused on what I want to do in life.
When I was little, I wanted to be an “artist.” With the beret, paintbrushes and canvas. Then, I moved on. Sure, I loved art, and enjoyed it, and was good at it, but I realized I wasn’t exceptionally creative in that sense. So I wanted to be a journalist. That idea left as soon as it entered my mind in high school. Then, toward the lag end of high school, I got interested in becoming a doctor. It wasn’t out of some desire I had to cure the world or make lots of money. It was because of my parents.
My parents and my family are from the Indian subcontinent and are Muslim. In their minds, the best thing to be is a professional. Especially a doctor. My father always tells me that I should be a doctor to help people and to be independent. My dad works away from home and flies back to my family every three to four weeks. It’s a hard life for him, because he misses out on our lives. It’s important to him that I become independent and have the ability to work wherever I want to. So, in high school, I took some medical classes. I enjoyed them; they weren’t my favorite classes, but they were, I suppose, “all right.”
When I started applying for university, for my possible majors, I would alternate between political science and English. My mother would ask me to write “pre-medicine” next to the others. Therefore, when I got accepted, I was put into the pre-professional advising. I never truly desired to become a doctor. The only reason I wanted to become one was to help people. To fix them. So I kept going. I took biology, chemistry, bioethics.
Then, my sophomore year, last year, I fell apart. I took physics and organic chemistry. I was doing terribly in both. I made a 48 on my first exam in physics and a 63 in organic. I had to decide whether or not to drop physics. I eventually did, and I was so disappointed in myself. You see, I did well in high school. I took many Advanced Placement classes, made A’s, and was an excellent student. And I got burnt out. I just couldn’t force myself to work. I tried, but it wasn’t enough. I didn’t care enough. So I eventually made a C in organic.
It was during this semester that I would get these sort of panic attacks. I would just cry and cry when thinking about how badly I was doing in life, in organic, in everything. This is what really scared me the most. I always prided myself on not stressing out, not freaking out, and doing well in what I was studying for. But here was a class that just broke me down into tears. I couldn’t study when I was like that.
Then, the spring semester began. I took the second part of organic. Struggled through it and was averaging a C in the class. Then I fell apart again. I made a 48 on my last test, which dropped me to a D. I had to make an amazing grade on the final. I didn’t start studying for the final until the night before because I had basically given up. I failed the class with an F. In all my other classes that semester, I made A’s and B’s.
So now I don’t know what to do. I’m signed up for organic again this semester, with the same professor I failed with. I’m already freaking out about it. I don’t want to have those panic attacks again, but I can feel my heart rate getting faster just thinking about it and typing it out. I don’t think I want to be a doctor anymore. But I don’t know what else I can do. I’m majoring in English, and I enjoy writing, reading, and analyzing, but what could I do? I know I’m good at it. I’m thinking about public policy, law school, etc. Sometimes I blame my parents for, in a way, forcing me to do pre-med. It prevented me from pursuing architecture, for example. Or anything else. I know I shouldn’t blame them, but it seems so convenient.
I want to do so much with my life. I don’t want to regret anything. I want to study abroad and travel and do the Peace Corps and help people. But I need to make a decision.
What should I do, Cary? I trust your advice. I read your column and your advice is always sound. If you could help me, I would be so grateful.
Typical Confused College Student
There is this phrase in Malayalam my Father used almost daily; I wish I could recall it, so I could butcher its spelling right now. It was something to the effect of, I’ll break your bones and GIVE you something to cry about, you little twerp. Or similar. But let’s allow the sensitive Amreekan (whom I’m a huge fan of, normally, btw) to have his say, since it IS his column we are disgusting discussing.
Dear Confused College Student,
We interupt this post to raise a point of clarification: I’ve numbered the paragraphs below , so they’re easier to refer back to and pillage, no need to thank me, it’s just the kind of blogger I am.
1.) Your parents are sitting on the floor in the living room, playing with a doctor doll. The doctor doll wears a nice white lab coat. The doctor doll is good-looking and rich. The doctor doll has a whole doctor household complete with doctor grandchildren and doctor spouse, and the doctor is in a Lexus driving down the street waving to admirers. Your parents have some play money and they have piled it up next to the doctor. The pile of money is nearly as tall as the doctor.
2.) Your parents would be very upset if someone were to take the rich doctor doll away. So you must use the tactic of redirection. You must show your parents something that is just as interesting to them.
3.) You must wave a shiny lawyer in their faces. You must say, “Look, parents! Shiny, famous lawyer! Rich, famous, shiny lawyer! CNN consultant fees!”
4.) In this way, you can induce them to turn their attention from the rich doctor doll to the rich lawyer doll, without feeling that they have lost a precious dream. If all goes well, they will forget about the doctor and will soon be back on the living room floor, assembling a rich lawyer family, complete with lawyer spouse, successful lawyer children and a big expensive lawyer house filled with money to the ceiling.
5.) You would think that you could just talk to parents. But they aren’t like that. You can’t talk to them. You have to treat them like children.
6.) You, on the other hand, are fairly adult. You know what you need to do. You just have to clear some space for yourself to do it.
7.) While you’re at it, in case you are feeling alone, take a look at this article on Sound Vision. It addresses your situation almost precisely: “The child wants to be an artist; his parents want him to go to med-school and become a doctor. The child wants to be a political scientist; his parents want him to be an engineer. This clash seems to be especially prevalent in immigrant Muslim families.”
8.) And it makes one particularly encouraging observation that might be persuasive to your parents: “Muslim leaders have long complained about the lack of Muslims pursuing careers in the media.”
9.) Law is a difficult career, and it may not be exactly what you wish to pursue for your entire life. But I think you have a good shot at it and should give it a try. It can be a springboard to many other occupations, journalism and writing principally among them.
10.) Your parents are right about one thing. They know, as countless other immigrants have known, that though American society is an open place, it is not a kind, safe place. It is a place where you have to make your own way. You have to establish status for yourself. If not, you will be trampled. That’s the way it is here. So they are right to push you to acquire a profession that will afford you some protection from the vicissitudes of capitalism and individualism.
11.) Sure, you will have to change some of your educational arrangements. But you would have to do that anyway. You flunked organic!
12.) Don’t worry. It’s probably the best course you’ve ever flunked.
13.) Law is excellent training for a writer. Look at Salon’s Tim Grieve, for instance, and Glenn Greenwald. They are both lawyers. They are also powerful writers working as journalists.
14.) So drink some coffee and cancel the pre-med studies.
15.) Throw yourself into what you love best. Make yourself happy. Excel. Immerse yourself in it. Go toward what you love. Work. Graduate. Stay healthy.
16.) Keep telling your parents you’re going to law school.
17.) Then join the Peace Corps.
18.) After the Peace Corps, you’ll know what to do.
Oh, my. What struck me first about all this was how– for lack of a better word– unoriginal the dilemma is…a LOT of us have been exactly where LW is, which partially explains my sarcasm-infused title. Anyway, what follows are my thoughts on specific points Cary made (see why I numbered things?).
…….
Re: no. 3 Anyone else sick of people substituting law school for med school, as if the two are super similar? No? Just me? Meh.
As for the “famous†and “CNN consultantâ€-bit, I thought there was a glut of lawyers, who are often an ambitious, deliciously ruthless bunch (I speak fondly because like every other quondam debate dork, I almost went, you know), who will annihilate this sniveling child as if they were an amuse bouche.
…….
Re: no. 5 You can’t treat your parents like children. Not if they’re desi. Well, you can, if you enjoy the sensation of a Bata chappal as it glides upside your head, but that’s all you. Seriously though, I know I’m officially ancient because I’m indignantly offended on behalf of this kid’s parents. You know what’s awesome about being 32, though? I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.
…….
Re: no. 6 “Fairly adult†my callipygian rondure. This kid has been directed and pushed, their entire life, “guided†forcefully by parental decisions. That’s why LW can’t make an important choice—they don’t know how. Believe me, I speak from experience, after being raised by an over-protective Father who chose MY major for me, as well.
The one thing Cary SHOULD have told LW is to take a deep breath and prepare for some harsh-but-necessary emotional growing pains. Hie thee to the student counseling office, honeychile, because you gonna need it. It’s awful and challenging, but learning how to make your own choices MUST be done…long before you mindlessly traipse off to law school or whatever else. Take it from one who knows and has the scrapes and scars to prove it.
…….
Re: no. 7 “especially prevalent in immigrant MUSLIM families (emphasis mine)�? As opposed to the obvious lack of clash in immigrant homes which religiously identify as Christian, Jewish, Sikh or Hindu? Come ON. This is not a Muslim thang. Mira, this is a BROWN thing. An IMMIGRANT thing. Really, a normal thing.
…….
Re: no. 8 I really don’t think the Muslim community needs more problems—LW can’t speak on behalf of themselves, let alone a massive world religion. One thing at a time. See: my response to number 6.
…….
Re: no. 9 STOP TELLING PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO “GO TO LAW SCHOOLâ€. This is why every lawyer I know (and I know almost a hundred), with the whopping exception of four of my friends, HATES THEIR LIFE. The Law is not an easy-way out. Respect it, don’t use it when what you really need, is a year off to backpack around Turkey or Nepal or just chill, while you figure out what you think you want to do for the foreseeable future. Taking out loans which will later encircle your ankle like a golden chain, keeping you trapped inside corporate law will not make you any happier than flunking O-Chem, LW.
My most miserable friends are the ones who regret going to law school, who work at “big firmsâ€, who wake up to find hair on their pillow, because it’s falling out, who have ulcers and budding substance abuse problems. I find the “Oh, well…if I can’t figure out what to do, I’ll just go to law school!â€-attitude offensive, because I really love the law. One of my friends who is a medical resident said something to the effect of, “Be damned sure this is what you want to do, because it’s not worth the sacrifices unless it’s what you love.†Um, yeah. That goes for everything, because just about everything requires sacrifice, if you want to achieve success.
…….
Re: no. 10 Your parents are right about plenty of things, LW. I started to grok this around age 23. Don’t get it twisted— you, LW, and I, will NEVER know what manner of struggle our parents survived, as new immigrants to this foreign place. There was no internet to utilize as a resource for information, and if they came here in the late 60s, early 70s, there was no community to cushion their landing, either. My mother didn’t know that Oklahoma would get cold in the winter, so she didn’t have a proper coat. She shivered until she could save enough to afford one. My father, who was worried that everything had some meat byproduct in it, unless he cooked it, was a borderline manorexic.
Your parents suffered, too. It made them fierce and strong and it taught them ridiculously valuable lessons about life, which they are using to guide you because they love you more than anyone else will and want to see you thrive. I could never pick up at 21 and move to a totally different country, where I didn’t have a single family member and knew nothing about the local culture, and build a life for myself. I can’t do that at age 32. But my mother did it, when she was more than a decade younger than me. And I worship the ground she treads on, because of it. When I’m not swearing in two languages in her long-suffering, tolerant presence, that is. My point is, your parents, more often than not, unless they are advocating extreme things like forced marriage, are right.
…….
Re: no. 11 You know what I wish Cary had said at this point? What I wish the dean at the College of Letters and Sciences had said to me, when as a miserable Freshman, I said that I hated my major and wanted to transfer schools, but didn’t know what to do, since I was a sheltered, barely-18-year old. Here’s what the dean said:
“College is tough, but at least your parents are paying for it…you’ll be fine. Political Science can be fun! And much more useful than South Asian Studies, which you’d have to go to Berkeley for…â€
Here’s what I wish he said:
“There are these amazing resources called pell grants and student loans—if you’re concerned about the financial implications of standing up to your parents, head to the financial aid office and see what your options are.â€
If this kid is worried about getting cut off financially, there is no better country in which that could happen. Especially if you’re at a state school, which is cheaper than a private one.
…….
Re: no 13 (and now I have the Pixies in my head, 🙂 …Law is excellent training for a lot of things, but as my embittered ivy-league JD/MBA ex-bf reminded me, ad nauseum, when he got home from work every morning at 1:30 am from his “big†Manhattan firm, for his five hours of restless sleep, IT IS NOT REQUIRED IN ORDER TO BECOME A WRITER.
…….
Re: no 15 Yes. Do what you love. If you are passionate about something, you will give up jealous boyfriends, reading for pleasure and half of your social life for it, even when you don’t get paid. LW, once you find something which fulfills you to the point where you can’t imagine NOT doing it, you’ll be all right. College, where you can have a range of different experiences and the opportunity to sample so many classes, is an excellent place to start the process through which you uncover your bliss. 🙂
…….
Re: no 16 Sigh.
…….
Re: no 18 Maybe. Sometimes, that sort of experience/perspective-gathering/kick in the kundi is exactly what we need.
…….
What do you think (like I need to ask)?
Puli, Are you subbing for Rahul ? 🙂
HMF, i’m so entrenched in OL, i’ve even forgotten its proper name.
amitabh – really – try the puliogre next time – completely worth giving up the idli and vadai at least once. btw, what’s the ‘/’ for – is there some new food that is half idli-half vadai?
Are you subbing for Rahul ? 🙂
If you are, you’re about 17252 youtube links short.
heck no. i could never replace ‘the master’. besides, im nothing without my ‘wingman’.
this would be a mutated abomination. we will never speak of this again. i will now get a lobodomy to forget about it completely.
HMF, i’m so entrenched in OL, i’ve even forgotten its proper name.
And even.. it wasn’t your ideas that placed you in OL, rather your experiences on that one particular issue. And then you just happened to know all kinds of people who’re in some bizarro events (e.g. girl marrying a guy who dint have a job, but still having a $12000 ring spent on her) or something like that, correct?
The guy was independently wealth, though (right?) which seems not so “opposite land”ish.
HMF @ 206 – ?
are we saying that i got into OL by default? not that i care, really – i don’t pride myself on being ‘opposite’ anything. but yes, i think it was the shalini post that got this label started (re girls and the pressure (or lack thereof) to put marriage above career). and my friend did insist on the $12K ring, despite her bf’s lack of job (though, yes, camille, he did have a trust fund of sorts). man, you guys have good memories 😉
Here
though, yes, camille, he did have a trust fund of sorts
The OL membership doesn’t come from being rich, rather the girl marrying a jobless dude. (whic I’m sure is heavily connected to the funds, but even rich mf’s usually need jobs to get women)
I like to think of ak’s anecdotal guy the same way I think of Hugh Grant’s character in About a Boy 🙂
I thought the thing that lobbed women into OL was that many of us said we were perfectly happy/comfortable buying drinks for men as opposed to waiting for someone to hit on us… was that the Shalini thread, also, or one of the numerous relationship threads?
Hi everyone..I am chiming in a bit late into the discussion.. As an Indian-Muslim-pre-med-failed org chem lab-and-went-to-law-school-wallah, this subject resonates.
I did the premed segue to law school after graduating with a Religious Studies major and incorrectly convincing myself that I had no other viable options other than law school.
I was always lucky…my father who is in academia never pressed for me to go one route or the other. As long as I was happy and was able to provide for myself and my family, that’s all that mattered to him.
After moving to NYC and doing the corporate litigation route, by everyone’s standards other than my own, I had “made it”. One day in 2001/2002, listening to Karsh Kale’s first album “Realize” for what may have been the 40th time in a row, I decided to email his manager and ask if he needed any help. He offered me a position as his “intern”. I quit my job, traveled in the Middle East and Europe for three months with my wife and upon my return, joined his management company. I went from a six figure salary to zero instantaneously. I went from working in windowless office in a highrise in the City to working out of an apartment in Queens.
Today I am blessed to be running my own music law practice in NYC working with composers, artists, labels, producers and mobile technology/social networking companies both here and in India. I also run an indie label. All the while I have continued to manage the one artist (Karsh) who inspired me to take the risk in the first place.
Admittedly, the lack of financial security has been tough on the family. Come 1Q every year, when my friends are getting bonuses that typically amount to 3-5 times or more of my yearly income, I question whether I made the right choice. My mother still asks, “Why can’t you be a REAL lawyer?” (haha)
But the ability to work with people who inspire me, to be around music, to work on really interesting deals in a very dynamic industry, while spending hours in the morning with my 10 month old son, weekends with my family, to take off whenever I wish..to make my own choices – is worth it.
I am so glad I failed Organic Chem Lab..
camille, i’ve met one of those in real life! when i asked him what he did, he told me that he had written a software program and was just living off the royalties at the moment. i asked him what it was he did every day, and then i told him if he had ever seen that movie – he hadn’t, so i highly recommended it to him. i was very curious to see what his lifestyle was like – i should have gone out on a few dates to get better insight 😉
HMF – does it matter that they were both jobless when they met in school? honestly, i don’t think his rich background had anything to do with his appeal – but perhaps it was an unexpected perk.
No, this wasn’t the Shalini thread discussion, by the way, I wonder whats up with the lucky gal. But since you brought it up, how many guys have you bought drinks? it’s one thing to “ideologically believe” in something, but to put it in practice is, well..
i don’t think his rich background had anything to do with his appeal
His appeal could have been his sixth toe for all I know, that’s not what Im saying, what i am saying is, a woman marrying jobless guy, even if his parents are gazillionaires is bizarro for our community, (or most communities, I’d say)
oh, sorry, neither one of them is desi – did i not mention that? i thought we were talking about women in general. she comes from a family where both her parents work, and her mother made more than her dad at some points in their careers. i think in his case, he went to law school – so we all think that eventually he’ll be able to get a decent job. just knowing how smart he is, i think all of us friends (not just her) have faith in his career prospects, even if he’s off to a slow start. i do think they’re putting off the marriage thing, for various reasons, but incl. financial stability.
DesiMusicLawyer
that’s one f#$(@ing amazing story. Did your wife support this move of yours (not necessarily financially, i mean morally), and two, if you dont mind me asking, how old were you when you made this move? Thanks.
DesiMusicLawyer, that is a very inspiring story. Good luck with your endeavors.
ak, I meant idli AND vada.
HMF:
thanks for the good word. I was 30 when I changed jobs. Not too late I suppose.
Late night in clubs, backstage at Irving Plaza schmoozing, shaking hands and passing out business cards, wheeling and dealing..I never take for granted that I am doing what I love because my wife replied “I love you so go for it” to my query of whether I should work start working in the music business.
I am often out 3-4 nights a week at showcases, gigs, parties, network industry events, alone but with her absolute blessing and support. I think that has to do with the fact that when I am home, I am there 100%. Sometimes I go overboard and she calls me out on it, but that’s to be expected.
Unsurprisingly, in the beginning she did support me financially – maxed out her school loans at Columbia Univ to pay rent and when she graduated and started working, she paid for everything. Now that the kid is in the picture, I can return the favor. She quit her job to look after our boy and thankfully, I have been able to provide (sometimes just barely..) for the house.
Quite honestly..the only way I could do it was because of her support.
ak, this was really an ancillary point to your OL membership & having examples of friends who break the status quo, in OL. But I assumed they were desi, it still rings a bit strange, the fact that it has some correlation with a movie only proves it’s “un-status quo’ishness” even further, people rarely make movies about every day run of the mill normal things. We’ll just have to wait for Seinfeld: the movie, for that.
DML-NYC:
send me a sample of her DNA, I’m cloning her 🙂
That is love, people! Thanks for sharing. I was just listening to Karsh Kale yesterday. His work with Anoushka is inspiring.
DesiMusicLawyerNYC: That is awesome. It really makes me feel better to see a fellow Brown-person being successful in music/entertainment law. I don’t think my family believes entertainment law is “real” either – and while everyone thinks I’m making it up, my parents have been surprisingly supportive. It’s difficult for them because their instinct is to give me guidance, which they can’t for this field. But they’re keeping their chins up and hoping it works out, I suppose. Could you email me offlist sometime? I’ve been aching to meet a desi music lawyer (which is specifically what I want to be) so I could find some sort of guidance/direction. I’ve been working at this blindly. Regardless, good luck with everything. 🙂
DML – good story. even these days, it’s rare for people to make such an about turn in thir careers for their happiness, but it seems to have been worth it in more ways than one.
amitabh, i was kidding 🙂
HMF: She looked at me really strangely as I took a cotton swab sample of the inside of her cheek…the sample is on its way. Bess: The Anoushka/Karsh project is really inspiring. We’ve been working on it since November 2005. there is a digital player here that also has some press photos Fuerza Dulce – don’t hesitate to email me/reach out. Anything I can do to help. It’s a strange time to be entering the music business but ultimately it’s great fun.
Thanks everyone for the kind words.
respect A.S.
DesiMusicLawyerNYC, awesome and inspiring story. Really great that you managed the transition both financially and status-wise, and the gossipy desi scene on things like that. Congratulations.
But just to clarify, you are still doing law. You had to become a lawyer to do what you’re doing now, and you had to do well in school, and pass the Bar exam, etc. It’s not like you quit college to become a percussionist or something, not that that would be bad in itself or anything, if that’s where your talent was and you knew it and others could see it right off the bat. In essence, what you did was transition the client base of your practice – from corporate whatevers to clients whose IP is music-related, and whose music you personally dig.
Peace and respect and congratulations again.
“HMF: She looked at me really strangely as I took a cotton swab sample of the inside of her cheek…the sample is on its way.”
no problem, I understand, it’s probably been what, at least a week since the last time? 🙂
hmf: actually it’s been a slow month so more like two week since the last time..haha
chachaji: yes…still practicing..licensed in NY/VA. I enjoy management related work because of the deal-making/creative element. My legal practice offers me a bit of more an intellectual exercise. But you are totally on point – I simply went from criminal defense litigation to commercial litigation to a transactional practice that is music and IP related. All ultimately tied into the practice of law. I have a lot of natural talent but zero discipline to play an instrument.
I do play full-on air-tabla though.
I do that, and sometimes I also use any tables or flat surfaces nearby! 🙂
so that’s basically my entire life: LW’s letter and Anna’s response and, thankfully, not Cary’s nonsense (dolls? wtf?).
Muslim, immigrant, straight-A high schooler, etc. i was a pre-med (still have the BSc), but am beginning my MA in English round about next week. and yet, though the parents and i have had a lot of drama about this switch (yes, tears, arguments, threats, the whole deal), i’ve also come to respect them for their input (though it was initially utterly unwelcome) and they have come to see that i have the potential to succeed in what i want to do. i recognise the sacrifices they’ve made (which is why i find Cary’s image of replaceable dolls so incredibly offensive) and i understand why they put the pressure on me to follow the medicine route. i also understand that my mental health and emotional satisfaction are far more important to me – and therefore, ultimately, my parents – than the status a person gets as a doctor.
i really, really hope LW reads this. s/he’s simply going to have to buckle down to the fact that transferring to an Arts degree isn’t going to be easy, but it is going have to be done. and that defending her right to study whatever she wants, instead of using failing marks as an excuse to drop out of pre-med, is only the route that allows her a modicum of dignity. and dignity is incredibly important, especially when you’re attempting to carve out a identity from separate from your parents’.
HMF@187: that just meant that i was able to see the world on my company’s dime (not my parents’).
the point merely was you can have exciting, fulfilling, well-paying careers without a MD, JD, MBA, Engineering, or Pharmacy degree. just need to look, be creative and as someone else pointed out, be passionate.
seriously, if i meet one more desi in “software” i’m pretty sure i’ll vomit.
There need to be more desis in visible professions (film & tv acting, broadcast journalism, running for national political office), and in visibility decisionmaking (film and tv production).
The top of small childrens’ heads work pretty well, too – as long as you don’t hit too hard.
@122
don’t know if you meant this as a joke, but my kid (13) is convinced he’ll be the first desi baseball player in the majors. he’s 13. and while he’s passionate and really good (and obsessive), and we snicker behind his back (what are the chances of 99% of kids making majors), we never discourage him (it’s far better a dream then what he told his pediatrician at 6, which was to become a DOG – don’t ask).
but get this…in his little desi brain, he knows the chances are slim (to become a b-ball player or a dog), so his back-up (as in if anyone asks him what he wants to do when he grows up – and why is this a BIG QUESTION to little kids at desi parties? can’t they just eat their cold samosas without the harassment?), he says ‘sports medicine’. makes everyone happy.
except me. i want him to be a travel/food writer. OK, well, that’s what i want to be. when i grow up.
What did you do that’s so fantastic and earth shattering? “looking, being creative and passionateness” is sometimes not enough. In fact, sometimes passion can be your undoing, as in many creative fields for example, companies lowball you all the time using the fact that “a million other people out there are waiting for thiss job if you f*ck up” and say, “if you’re really passionate about it, you’ll work no matter how less you’re getting paid” Then it makes it hard to pay for woman’s dinner, and oh.. uhh whats that other thing? oh right… live.
Along with passion and all that other hallmark card crap you spewed, you also need two more little things: Luck & Time. Both of which you seemed to have had, so great for you.
Seriously, what kind of bullshit is this? why put “software” in quotes?
I’ll be sure to thank the “computer science” people that invented “HTML” and “XML”, and the people before that who invented that “TCP/IP” thing and the people before that who invented “RISC and CISC” instruction sets, and “binary computers”…
…just so you could be self-righteous, use your home computer (that runs on a processor designed by engineers) load up your TCP/IP socket based web browsing “software” make use of the “hypertext transfer protocol” and log onto a “website” and vomit on the very people that make it all possible.
Hello everyone. I am the LW. I’ve been reading this thread and the thread on Salon. I just wanted to say, I appreciate the advice and comments. Some people wondered why I didn’t go to a counseling center or talk to someone instead of writing to an advice column. Well, I went to counseling last year during the chemistry disaster. And I went back this week to talk some more. I also had gone to my school’s career services center in the beginning of summer, just to see my options at that time, and I am planning on going back. The reason why I wrote to Cary was sort of like a last resort and just to see what he would say. I was and am having a crisis. It may not be an unusual problem or issue, but it’s special to me. So I wrote to him, and I basically got the advice I expected. Everyone says to do what you love and what makes you happy. So, I’m trying to figure it out. I’m applying to my school’s newspaper and doing things that I love. But thanks for the advice, even if did freak me out further.
And I’m not thinking about dropping medicine because I failed o-chem. I’m thinking about dropping medicine because I honestly don’t think it was ever my dream for my own future. But, I’m still thinking about it. I do have dignity…I think.
By the way, I’m a girl. Although Kumar may have said: “Just cause you’re hung like a moose doesn’t mean you gotta do porn.” I appreciate the sentiment, but…no thanks?
nothing special–just trying to keep a job, as you advised in 216 😉
LW, the bit about “dignity” – I think I may I have worded that incorrectly in my comment. I don’t mean to suggest that you lack dignity now. I’m just remembering how it felt for me – and this wasn’t very long ago, just over a year. After a while it became incredibly depressing, this sense that I was disappointing my parents. Though, let’s face it, their anger hurt a lot more than their disappointment. I stressed insanely over courses just like Orgo (Anat was another killer). I slept all the time. I had continual headaches. I couldn’t focus. My grades in those courses plummeted. I won’t say I know exactly what you’re going through, but I can make a fair guess.
Besides the parental issues, though, was my sense that I was failing myself. It wasn’t as trite as feeling that I wasn’t “true to myself” or whatever cliche people might feed you. It was the anger at myself that I couldn’t just stand up and admit that I wanted to do what I wanted to do and that I wanted to do it badly enough that it wasn’t just a side hobby. I wanted this to be my life.
This is what I mean by dignity – for me, dignity meant facing up to the fact that my parents and I were going to disagree. That we were going to disagree about me. Dignity meant one day sitting down and saying I wasn’t going to do the MCATs, that as a compromise I was going to do a 3 year honours degree in pre-med instead of a full year thing. And that I was going to spend my fourth year doing English and nothing but. Dignity meant repeating myself again and again, when they objected again and again.
It helped that I am determined to excel in English. The parents are satisfied that I didn’t drop out to stay at home and waste my education – though they had threatened this is what life without med school would entail.
It’s made a huge difference. I’m much happier. My marks are great. And my parents and I have reached a mutual understanding about my future. It’s not perfect. There are still issues that need to be worked out, but I’m taking it one step at a time. One battle at a time.
This is the lesson I learned: that no matter how much you love someone, parents included, when you make sacrifices for people that they claim are for your own good, when you make these sacrifices against your will and when you end up in your own personal hell because of it, those same people will turn to you and say, “But we didn’t force you to do this. That was your choice. You choose to do this.” They won’t say it out of vindictiveness. They’ll say it because it’s true. They’ll say it because, not being you, they won’t know how much their approval meant to you. And “this” could be anything: going to med school, marrying the guy they chose, staying at home, whatever. And they’re right. Not making a choice is making a choice. Apathy is not a viable option.
I don’t usually offer this, but really, if you want someone to just rant to, feel free to email me at fathima [at] likethewind [dot] ca.
Things will work out.
Thanks for sharing that, but as someone whose bread+butter is IT including “software” can I ask why? What makes you so farking special that you have to look down on software professionals, and that too only desis? What are you gonna do when you meet a non-desi software professional?
HMF: no need to be mean. a little misdirected pent-up resentment on my part – probably shouldn’t have put it on SM. my bad. i’m sorry.
see, when i chose english, my entire family started looking at me differently. the cliched ‘she must not be smart enough for med/eng school’. ALL my cousins on one side (save for 2 who are docs) are in software. i just know they are unhappy in their jobs, but keep at it cause it’s respected in the community (and of course it pays the bills). but i hate seeing them sad. i’ll take it up with them.
in my family at least, ‘software’ has been a safe haven, catchall that gets lorded over anyone who made an alternate career – that wasn’t meant to be any disrespect to any of the folks who work in that field (including my husband).
i actually meant a desi from MY FAMILY in software :-))
really, new at this SM thing and so did not mean to be insensitive (but apparently was).
meenu, you’re in English, too? but this is le awesome. =)
see, when i chose english, my entire family started looking at me differently. the cliched ‘she must not be smart enough for med/eng school’. ALL my cousins on one side (save for 2 who are docs) are in software. i just know they are unhappy in their jobs, but keep at it cause it’s respected in the community (and of course it pays the bills)
I’m convinced the parentals don’t necessarily care what people do, just as long as it makes some kind of stable income. software is something that they know, especially in bangalore where I’m from. it’ll take examples like yourself to change the perception. Its pretty arbitrary what’s considered “acceptable” in the community, just what people are seen and used to.
not mine – my dad is more concerned with what the highest potential income of the field is – so that eliminates a lot of jobs, and also explains his push for owning one’s own business to maximize income – stable income means nothing to him if it’s not above some benchmark amount…
but in general, you are prob. right – which is why meenu’s career path is a good example to break the idea that the liberal arts/PhD types are not capable of making lots of money. it always strikes me as weird that liberal arts consistently loses out in the ‘impressive’ factor to professionals – is it because of the money? the training? the fact that one goes to med/law/iz school, while the other ‘merely’ goes to grad school?
it always strikes me as weird that liberal arts consistently loses out in the ‘impressive’ factor to professionals – is it because of the money? the training? the fact that one goes to med/law/iz school, while the other ‘merely’ goes to grad school?
Well, there is a case that on the average, those with traditionally “professional” degrees tend to make more money. AK, seriously your dad seems to be on some kind of trip, where more money seems to be the solution to everything. (I dont mean this in an offensive way, its just the way you’re spinning it) I’d recommend “The Joy of Not Working” by Ernie J. Zelinski for him.
Secondly, meenu making lots of money on an English degree must have some luck behind it. The world is still the world, and the services that are in higher demand & require lots of training will exhibit higher paychecks. You’re not pulling 6 figs by translating Bulgarian 18th century literature, or dissecting Welsh prose vs Scottish prose, it ain’t happening.
I know some English majors who went into PR work and did very well, of course, they had pretty faces which is instrumental for success in PR.
i think thats key to success in sales as well. once we were interviewing this lady (who eventually got the job). picture a sl*mmin french grl. people were talking about how she has that “special quality” that will make her good at sales. also, that she has a great “manner”. pretty much underneath all the euphamisms people were saying, “shes h0t, so clients will give us money after meeeting her”.
shes h0t, so clients will give us money after meeeting her”
And bingo was his name-o.
…not that i had a problem having a sl*mmin french grl sitting near me for a year….
HMF, no offense taken – my dad is obsessed with financial stability, and the amount he thinks is necessary is pretty high. my dad is not a huge spender, so it’s not like he wants his kids to lead some sort of lavish lifestyle – in fact, my dad saves or invests at least 60% of what he earns – mostly because he never wants to be in a position where he has to be borrowing huge amounts of money for some expected or unexpected event. obviously, he would have the same concerns for his children’s futures. he looks at an industry’s earning potential because he’s in one that requires a ridiculous amount of work to make a good living – so he feels if his kids think strategically re their industry, it might be easier for them to make the same amount of money, if not more.
i do agree that there was luck involved for menu (as for many people) – but i think it’s good for people like LW to know it’s possible, that’s all.
as for more training = higher salaries, generally, that is true. but some people also find niche and/or lucrative markets to tap into that do not require that training. what i’m saying is, maybe the liberal arts-trained people would be making a lower salary doing work that is traditional for someone with their skill set or degree – but sometimes they can swing it by turning their experience towards something that does yield a higher salary. i have a few friends who are only using academia as a stepping stone to a job (e.g. consulting) that pays more.
luck involved for
menumeenu