Apologies to Billy Idol, but a recent article in the Washington Post about local weddings has me thinking in the abstract (I’m as far from the lavan as I have ever been) about wedding customs and how they change.
The article makes a number of interesting points. It starts by describing how non-desis have discovered the business opportunities involved in brown weddings, such as Sue Harmon who has two white mares specially reserved for baraat duty, or Foxchase Manor which has learned how to handle the havan without setting off all the fire alarms:
“The normal instinct is to blow out the fire when you’re done … But that creates this huge puff of smoke that’s actually much bigger than when the fire is lit. So the key is to keep the fire in a portable container, and then when you’re done, you carry it outside and close all the doors before blowing it out.” With an average of 80 South Asian weddings a year, the staff has had ample opportunity to perfect the technique, he added. [Link]
Still more interesting to me was a story of how other “ethnic” couples have adapted some aspects of desi ceremonies:
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Why wear white? |
South Asian vendors, meanwhile, are increasingly hearing from non-South Asian couples who want to borrow their customs. Caucasian couples who came across photos of Sood’s creations … have asked her to decorate their weddings in the same shades of maroon and gold. She’s even draped a mandap — the wedding canopy — with kente cloth for an African couple… [Link]
But the bit that really caught my attention was about how ABDs are wanting to have hybrid wedding ceremonies that incorporate aspects of the white weddings they grew up watching on television:
Perhaps most radical, however, is the growing use of whites and ivories in the decorations. “In Indian culture, white signifies mourning,” she said. “It used to be such a taboo for weddings. But now so many brides are demanding it.”
Priti Loungani-Malhotra, 32, a dressmaker based in Arlington County, has even designed a white version of the classic Indian wedding gown, with a mermaid-shaped lengha, or skirt, that would do Vera Wang proud. [Link]
I always thought precisely those two aspects of western weddings – the procession down the isle and the white dress / black tux were boring and dull compared to the circumambulation of holy objects (at least in some desi weddings) and bright red wedding garments. I know I’m a guy, and the long walk down the isle brings attention to the bride, but I just never liked it. For one thing, I don’t like the parts of either culture that view a woman as something to be given from one man (the father) to another (the husband).
How many of you would (or did) seize control of your wedding from your parents and create a wedding ceremony that incorporated aspects of both cultures? Are you all more enamoured of white wedding customs than I am?
[An aside] Incidentally, the whole white wedding thing comes from Queen Victoria who changed white from a color of royal mourning (as amongst many desis) to the color of the virgin bride:
Queen Victoria was not the first royal bride to wear a white wedding gown, but the first of the modern era. White had been a traditional color of royal mourning, and although not often utilized as such, white was not considered a suitable choice for a royal wedding. Victoria’s choice popularized the white gown as no other had before her. [Link]
Of course, Desi-Christian brides (whether Christian themselves or marrying in a Christian wedding ceremony) wear white dresses often. My friend had a white lengha to incorporate both cultures in her Christian ceremony and another who had both a Christian and Hindu ceremony had a reception lengha that was White and Red. I think that is a nice way of doing things.
Personally, I always find it hard, after growing up with an idea of “weddings” being walking down the aisle, publicly sharing vows, etc. etc., to sort of let go of these “dream weddings.” I don’t think I’d ever have a white wedding myself, as I like the red-gold and the pheras and all, but I do like ideas like bridesmaids and personalized vows and ring exchanges. It’s hard to resist the mass media image of weddings…
Besides, we have our own walking down the aisle, just in reverse. Hello Dolis!
my mom is a wedding coordinator in the Chicago area and i’ve had the opportunity to witness and participate in a number of cross-cultural weddings. most of the time, cross cultural adaptions are done with a honest-to-goodness desire to incorporate something of value from another culture, but sometimes its just that someone thinks something was “cool” and had to replicate it. that really bothers me, as i know the exotification of subcontinental culture to others on SM.
when i got married, my husband, who is not indian, really wanted an indian wedding. (he said he’d been to enough boring western ceremonies.) given that i’m the 1st on both sides of my family to get married and my mom is a wedding coordinator, i basically surrendered the right to make a decision the day he and i got engaged.
still, i think there is value in doing something “traditional” if it is done with a pure heart and serves a larger purpose. in my case, instead of my father leading me to the groom, my mama did (as is customary for gujrati nagaars). so the “woman as chattel” aspect still kinda existed. but hy husband’s family, most of whom had never left the same little WI town they grew up in, also got to be a part of something that opened their eyes. that was worth it. perhaps that was the most radical thing of all.
on a side note, a year later we attended the wedding of one of his friends, who had been at our wedding. the night before they were to get married, the bride came up to us and admitted, in a rather embarrassed fashion, that they had “stolen” our wedding vows, because they liked them so much! we didn’t want to ruin it for her and tell her that people had been saying those same vows for 5000 years… π
there’s an interesting article about indian/south asian weddings at Hypen: http://www.hyphenmagazine.com/blog/archives/2007/07/divorce_and_mar.html
“Why Wear White” – lol, cute. I can see an Indian bridal store using that line =)
Γ’β¬ΕIn Indian culture, white signifies mourning,Γ’β¬Β
not in some south indian cultures though, right?
Of course, Desi-Christian brides (whether Christian themselves or marrying in a Christian wedding ceremony) wear white dresses often.
but this must be recent. i checked wiki, and the “white wedding” became popular after queen victoria’s ceremony in the mid-19th century, and didn’t become normative in britain until the mid-20th century. so what did syrian christians do traditionally? many muslim south asian weddings incorporate conventional indian cultural motifs & styles, though there is often the supplemental islamic “ceremony.” my own general understanding is that most western european wedding customs derive from their own pre-christian traditions. after all, until the past few centuries most peasants operationally had common law marriages since bells and dresses and sacraments were generally the purview of the elites (whose marriages the catholic church regulated strictly in terms of degrees of incest, etc.).
p.s. i believe what the “christian” wedding is really popular in japan now.
The Hindu wedding ceremony is far more poetic and romantic than the clumsy, explicit Christian one. The garment of the bride tied to the garment of the groom – so much more graceful and eloquent than just blurting out ‘in sickness and in health blah blah’. Similarly, the circling of the fire seven times is so much more powerful a statement than the in-your-face vows in western weddings.
I am speaking purely aesthetically – I’m not religious.
Can we keep this cultural rather than religious? I’d rather not cause gratuitous offense to the sentiments of our Christian readers.
The only Syrian Christian wedding I know, the bride wore the Malayalee mundum-neryathu, the kind with a red blouse and white and gold-bordered Sari portion.
Anyway, I was speaking about more recent times, not ancient (is 1800s ancient?) traditions.
You mean, of course, your maternal uncle! This is common in Bengali Hindu weddings as well.
So, he’s Hindu and I’m Christian (both nominally). We’re doing both ceremonies and strangely, I think the Christian/U.S./Western one will end up being more traditional than it would have been had I married someone from the same background. Neither of us are particularly traditional or religious, but somehow we ended up doing both in their somewhat “pure” format rather than a combined thing or less-traditional versions of either. Not sure why. I did insist on getting rid of the part of both ceremonies that involved my supposedly being “given away”.
since almost no one at my wedding will be brown (i am skeptical my extended family would fly from the UK or the middle east or bangladesh) it is going to be mostly cookie-cutter american. it helps though that we are both atheists so we can pick and choose based aesthetic/personal considerations and nothing imposed due to religious constraints.
As a malayalee christian, ive seen plenty of christian weddings with white wedding dresses (or white saris) and the inclusion of other western customs. None of these weddings were “clumsy” or not “poetic.” Its simply a matter of perspective. There really is nothing objectively wrong about Christian weddings and western wedding customs.
Can we keep this cultural rather than religious? I’d rather not cause gratuitous offense to the sentiments of our Christian readers.
…and since there are 2 billion christians of all races and cultures i doubt there is a stereotypical “christian” wedding. e.g., i doubt ethiopians, who have been christian longer than most europeans, have what is being called a “christian” wedding up to this point. now, since it seems that many of the more recognized aspects of western weddings are recently recent i am curious as to how old “traditional” south asian wedding customs are.
my curiosity piqued, i’ve been lookin’ around. check this for the origin of the ‘best man’: During Anglo-Saxon England weddings the bride would stand to the left of her groom so that his sword arm was free. The Best Man would keep his hand on his sword ready to fend off trouble and protect the couple. Often during these times, the best swordsman in the area was chosen as the Best Man.
The brides who wore the unusual combo should get a ‘red & white’ bravery award. Anyway ..where did you get the pic from ..the model is nice π
inothernews, you can have your sisters and sakhis sitting behind you through the whole ceremony in a Bong wedding.
I don’t find the church wedding format unromantic or anything, it’s just that a desi wedding ceremony seems more binding, for one thing because it takes so very long. The red and white bride bothers me because it’s so halfway house. Either do the one thing or the other, I say, or mandaps will become chupas and the groom will ride a white horse down the aisle.
Anyway ..where did you get the pic from ..the model is nice π
roll eyes well, at least we hit double digits before that objectifying comment came out….
In Desi weddings, it’s the horse that has to look like Queen Victoria.
i have to admit that i’ve been programmed to desire an engagement ring and white wedding dress. but, in recent years, i’ve also come to accept that regardless of whom i marry, i am in for a multiple-day ceremony complete with ugly 9 yds. sari, lots of red (my least favorite color), etc. my compromise — told to my mother last week, met with ~15 mins. of laughter — is that i demand a stylish white cocktail dress (made from sari material, natch) at my very-fun-not-religious-lots-of-dirty-dancing reception.
Gujarati brides traditionally wear a panetar sari that is red and white. I’ve seen Hindu and Christian brides wearing panetars.
I am reluctant to engage in rituals for rituals’ sake but I love traditions that mean something… the origin doesn’t matter. Oh and I think it is fascinating to watch traditions tweaked to reflect modern life– like bringing Cadbury’s fingers for the bride rather than burfi.
cadbury fingers?! but why?? burfi is so much yummier..
I think it’s pretty much the case in most Hindu weddings, at least the Saraswat and Maratha ones I’ve been to, that the bride’s maternal uncle “gives her away.” When I was a kid, my mother told me that this was because in the “old days” girls were married off at such a young age that their parents were to distraught to walk them in (or, if they were young enough, carry them in), so the uncle took over. But I think she might have made that up.
Also, she’s usually being given away to her husband’s family, not just to the groom alone.
You know something that occurred to me at mixed weddings. I prefer the looseness at Indian weddings. Even though they shorten the wedding mantras for the whiteys, the ceremony itself seems to be dragged out because we are all forced to sit in silence actually having to listen to not only the mantras, but also the English translations. I start to feel restless after 15 min. I prefer the whole, talk to your friends, glance at the wedding ceremony, talk again, and then everyone focuses on the pair for the final rice throwing thing and when the music cues up for the mangalsutra and garlands thing. But then again, I pity the bride and groom who have to sit there on the floor for an hour. So I definitely am not going that route though I prefer it as a viewer. I do not like the concept of best man and bridesmaids.
And what is up with the Indian guy in a suit and the wife in a sari at some weddings. You would think he could find some INdian concoction to match his wife’s for the one hour.
Anothing thing at mixed weddings I have been to. The whites seem to talk in really stereotypical white superpolite tones(you know the kind parodied in Wayans Bros movies) in their speeches. And a lot of blah blah about how Indian culture has opened this magical world to them and blah blah. THey don’t sound like our regular white friends.
I wore a suit for my wedding while my wife wore a beautiful lehenga. The logic was simple – the only “Indian concoctions” available were bright, shiny ones that I would not feel comfortable wearing. I was ready to go for a plain cotton kurta-pajama, but my bride didn’t like the idea. So I chose to dress conservatively rather than squirm in a shiny new sherwani.
Plus the suit was easier to take off afterwards.
Finally. someone who admits it. Spending large amounts of money on a wedding ring is equivalent to throwing the money over the brooklyn bridge. (In fact throwing it over the BB is a bit better, there’s a chance some of it might land on a passing tugboat or something, and maybe help someone in the future)
my family is punjabi and my bf’s family is catholic. we’ve talked about getting married but are not sure about the ceremony. i love the idea of bringing two cultures/faiths/families together but i wouldnt want to dillute either tradition by having a blended wedding, nor can i imagine getting married in a church and wearing white. we have discussed the possibility of two ceremonies, one hindu and one catholic – but that just feels like we couldnt decide.
It looks like the official “get white people to tack on ‘….and the women there are absolutely beautiful’ to any conversation reg’ding India” picture.
since almost no one at my wedding will be brown (i am skeptical my extended family would fly from the UK or the middle east or bangladesh) it is going to be mostly cookie-cutter american.
Are your parents and siblings not planning on attending the marriage?
For me anyways, the white (in my case golden-beige) came from my maternal uncle’s house and the red saree came from my husband’s family. The traditional white symbolizes the bride’s ‘purity’ etc and the red is the symbol of marital bliss.
We went all traditional in the wedding, complete with small ceremonies and the much dreaded ‘haldi’ ceremony too. I liked it. I remember being in awe, knowing that just about every woman I know went through it. We had a rather dramatic priest and he sure gave us all a fright when he yelled out, ‘Kanya padhare…sawdhaan!’. To date, my brothers joke that it sounded like clarion call for war. π
i, personally like the idea of combining traditions to create new ones. my catholic/hindu parents got married in a methodist church with a priest and a swami, christian and hindu vows (although i think my mom rewrote them to be more woman-friendly), a fire in the church, garlands, and christian clothes.
My wedding was 100% desi red and gold! For a while, my husband and I talked about doing two weddings, an American/Christian one as well as the desi/Hindu one…had we done so, I had decided to wear a tussar*-colored wedding dress with red trim, carrying bright red roses, and the bridesmaids would have worn red. It’s a choice that I’ve seen offered by American bridal stores in the past 5 to 10 years.
*only because pure white makes me look green. Raw silk does much better for the average desi complexion, whether you have green undertones or not.
to this, i would add “you know there’s no point!”
My husband is desi and I am not, and like Sari Virgin we had two ceremonies, on the same day. White-dress wedding first, then the red and gold which went right into the reception. That specific order was important, because I thought it was too spooky (unlucky?) to be draped in lovely red with sindoor in my hair and then immediately wash it out and put on a white dress on a few hours later.
So, we had two separate ones because we thought a single hybrid wedding ceremony would end up pleasing no one. A wedding is for the couple, sure, but it’s more about couple declaring their commitment publicly, to their communities. Weddings are more about the two families. Our families were supportive, but my family would be a little sad and disconnected if they couldn’t see me in a white dress cutting a cake, his family would feel the same way if they couldn’t see him come in on a horse and walk the pheras. We did both with love, and both families (up to the grandmothers, and down to the little kids on both sides) were happy and thrilled. Have two ceremonies! It doesn’t need to be twice as expensive. It’s worth it.
P.S. All my non-desi friends and family loved the looser nature of the desi ceremony – all you have to do is tell them ahead of time not to sit there stiffly and watch silently for the 5-6 hours! They immediately get it and enjoy themselves just like any of the all-desi affairs we’d ever been to. A simple step the bride and groom can take to avoid awkwardness on all sides.
No, I’ve also always thought white wedding dresses were the epitome of dull. The most amazing thing about Indian weddings is walking into a hall and seeing the assortments of brightly colored saris that everyone’s wearing π I find it kind of offensive to wear white to an Indian wedding… it’s kind of like wearing a black wedding dress, isn’t it?
Others had mentioned before…but this tradition I think is true for most malayalee Catholics:
-White wedding sari for church ceremony -A Red manthrakodi (sari) is worn at reception. The manthrakodi is a gift from the groom’s family and a string from the sari is used to tie the thali around the neck of the bride. This is in addition to exchanging wedding rings.
Question for Muslim desi’s: I have a friend who is Muslim and tells me that wearing a wedding ring is optional for both men/women. Is that true? Is that not part of the wedding ceremony? Just curious to know.
We’re having the Hindu ceremony first and the Christian one later just because of scheduling issues. I don’t know what I’m going to do about my hair, etc. Meanwhile, Pravin, could you kindly refrain from referring to us as “whiteys”?
Am surprised I’m the only one from a non-Syrian desi christian family on this discussion yet. There are a LOT of white weddings that happen in India, at Catholic functions from bombay to goa to mangalore to kerala, i.e. the descendants of christian converts by portuguese settlers in Goa – i.e. people with the last name Lewis, fernandes, Dsouza, Dsilva, rodrigues, so on and so forth
We have all added our own ‘local flavours’ to the white weddings, and we hardly see them as ‘western concepts’ any more. They are as ‘traditional ‘ to us as our ancestral homes, and regardless of its origins, they are ours for the keeping. For instance, while the entire ceremony at church is traditional white gown bride + black suited groom, the reception immediately following it has lots of local components to it. Mid-way through the reception, the bride goes off for a bit to change into a red traditional sari … etc. This ‘mangalorean/goan culture’ has fused western and indian cultural aspects to form a culture that is pretty vibrant in its celebrations esp weddings…
None of us think ‘white weddings’ are anywhere near boring as a few commentators above have mentioned. There are good and bad aspects of both cultures, and one has to see these things in the right perspective.
Finally. someone who admits it. HMF – i don’t think milli is alone in that. when i tell people that i’m completely indifferent to the engagement/wedding ring bit, it is distinctly my female friends who lament this.
milli, the (inevitable) fact that i would even get married is a compromise, but like you, there will be requisite drinking and dirty dancing, and of coure, nice clothes.
a few years ago, i told my mother that i didn’t plan on wearing my mangalsutra after marriage. with a severely angry look, she told me i might as well run off to vegas and elope, instead of wasting all that time and money on a hindu ceremony! honestly, that doesn’t sound like a bad plan. desi weddings are huge, oftentimes unnecessarily expensive, and a bit too conformist for my taste. i think it would be great if it could be a party, without any set or required rituals, that just celebrated the commitment of the couple. that would mean no red-gold-white theme, and maybe a dress code of chic casual. with, of course, lots of drink, food, and music – i sincerely think these three are key to any social event…
I’m sorry, I didn’t quite grasp that. Are you saying that more women lament the fact their would-be suitors are rushing out to spend exorbitant amounts of money on pieces of jewelry while the poor women are scratching their eyes out trying to figure out how not to make this happen?
Or are you saying your female friends lament the fact that you are indifferent to the wedding ring bit?
aaah, I put it in there to practice for my Real World audition as the minority with the chip on his shoulder. At least I did not say uptighty whiteys.
Actually, the real secret is that Camille has been agreeing with me too much lately. Maybe this will make her put one of her old disapprovals.
I’m not married but I absolutely love the idea of incorporating bridesmaids into Desi weddings. The idea of having your closest and dearest friends and relatives be an integral part of the ceremony really warms my heart. I’ve been to a few where the bridesmaid either wore identical sari’s of the same color or identical sari’s in different colors and it was so nice.
I have no problem with people talking during the Indian wedding ceremony as I know first hand how hard it is to sit through an hour-long one (or an hour and a half one like the one I attended this past weekend).
DQ wrote:
You’ve obviously not gone to many “Christian” weddings.
Yes, with a hearty “I hate you Pravin” Love the vehemence of Camille.
Well, neither my wife nor I had the time, energy, or desire to set up the classic fusion wedding here, so, accompanied by our two best friends, we went to the Boston City Hall and got hitched. She (white) wore a bridal sari (red) that my mother had sent; I (brown) was in a suit. Silly me, thinking this would somehow excuse us from having to go through the multiple day-long festivities that constitute desi weddings. As soon as we landed in Dhaka, several months later, we were whisked away by my mother, uncles, and cousins, telling us that they had everything arranged. “Everything” apparently comprised 2 separate receptions, one corresponding to the Bengali gaye holud and the other to the bou bhaat, with a whole slew of both our extended families and friends being present. Ended up being quite enjoyable really, since neither my wife nor I had anything to do but look spiffy (sherwanis this time for me, more saris for her), talk, and eat.
Someone upthread remarked that white isn’t a color of mourning for S.Indians..as with most things India-related, it depends. All white is generally considered an inauspicious color among most S.Indian hindus – but there are several communities that have brides/grooms dressed in white – typically cream colored rather than stark white. Example: Telegu Kamma brides – White with red or green border is common, but white with a Gold border isn’t unknown, AFAIK. Some communities dye a white cotton sari yellow with turmeric. Most S.Indian grooms wear some version of dhoti to their weddings, and this is usually white with a Gold border, or in some cases, red/green border. Tamil Iyengar grooms have their wedding dhotis dyed yellow with turmeric, but Iyers don’t.
I’ve attended several Catholic and Protestant weddings in India – the bride in all cases wore an off-white sari with zari work and a veil on her head to the church ceremony and changed for the reception – red sari for the reception. The one Syrian Christian wedding I attended also had the bride in a white sari (not mundu).
Milli, just curious – why do you find the 9-yard sari ugly? I think it all depends on how you wear it – it can look very elegant. Of course, at most weddings that involve the 9-yard sari, there is about 10 minutes for the bride to wear that sari – and not many women know how to make that sari drape gracefully. But done right, it looks regal – especially with traditional jewellery and hair. Also, red isn’t mandatory…red is default nowadays for the most part, but there is no prohibition against other colors. I know many families where koorai saris (the 9 yard wedding sari) were any color BUT red, until a few years ago.
Bitterlemons
Shalu,
No, I haven’t. Most of my friends, and myself, are serial living-in-sinners. I’m willing to plead ignorance. What element makes such weddings beautiful to you? I find the vows, the whole set-up, unpoetic.
For my wedding, I didn’t mind the talking and all. I did not want any eating in the same room. So, during the ceremony, the DJ announced there were some appetizers in the other room and the whole room cleared out!! My best friend, her husband and mom were the only ones left, and she waved to me from her row. At that moment I knew she was a true friend — willing to stand by me and not swayed by the promise of pani-puri and chaat!!
I love the graceful dresses, the bride’s touching walk down the aisle with her father, the shower of flowers that decorate the church, the vows of promise they make to the priest, and the loving kiss that seals the end of the ceremony. A ceremony doesn’t have to be an hour long to be meaningful, no?
What I find beautiful about a traditional hindu wedding, is the thought put into each of the rituals. — I personlly loved ‘Kasi Yatra’, which gently parodies the anxieties
(An overview can be found here and the following pages http://www.mypandit.com/mypandit/User/c_rituals3.jsp )
I guess what makes it seem more romantic than a “white wedding” to me are all the small things that are there in the rituals to make it more intimate, such as the games that are played, the oonjal for just the bride and groom, etc.
A marriage means more than just two people getting together, and the traditional rituals of all cutures try to them comprehensively.
I feel that in contrast many of the rituals in the “white wedding” have been mutilated by pop culture (which has made it into a mega event/party) and crass commercialization (such as De Beer’s famous, and sucessful ploy, to make expensive diamond rings a part of the ritual), which takes away a bit of the romance.
The fact that they’re over quickly. then people can go home and write poetry.
Seriously, I must ask, why such a big fuss about one single day? In matters of emotion and the heart, one rarely sees any kind of rationality coming into the picture, but this level of irrationality is surprising.
It’s not as if spending more time in preparation somehow correlates to a better marriage, many Indian weddings the guests are peole who the bride and groom may only know in cursory ways (this is so and so’s cousins sister brother, remember he came to our house one day, 10 years back?) Most people I speak to only watch the wedding video ONCE or TWICE at that.
I can understand being picky about when the day is, if you’re into astrology and/or numerology, and having a small ritual if you see religion being any component of your shared life. But a reception where you’re shaking hands 500 times in one hour, that you’ve nearly a year with your mind and mental energy devoted to this one single day is just plain silly. but other wise just have people come over one at a time.
Shalu,
The walk down the aisle on one’s father’s arm is sweet. Dunno why, but don’t like the dresses – they just look stiff and uncomfortable to me. Unless they’re knee length silk slips. I just prefer the implicit to the explicit (ie garments tied together), and, I guess, the drama of the circling of the fire etc. It seems more powerful than to simply say ’til death do us part’.
Again, these are not religious comments, but aesthetic ones.