I love reading real newspapers on the weekends (since all I have time for is Express during the week). While lazing through the New York Times this afternoon, I found this six week old “T: Style” article which made me smile, after the conversation I had yesterday with a mutineer…
me: How was dinner?
she: Can I vent?
me: But of course, my little cabbage!
she: I got robbed.
me: OMG, you got mugged???
she: Noooo. I mean…when the bill came.
me: I don’t get it.
she: Of course you do, you’re veg, too.
me: Oh, THAT-a-way
she: Yes. That. A. Way. Not a damned vegetarian entree on the menu AND everyone I was with obviously ordered seafood– not just any seafood…the market-rate stuff.
me: Ah, that which has no price listed.
she: EXACTLY!
me: Ouch.
she: That’s not even the worst of it! You know how I don’t drink??
me: Yeah…?
she: Well, everyone else more than made up for it. 3-4 each.
me: Wow, so you-
she: Subsidized a bunch of fish and vodka. What I ordered came to all of $25 WITH tax and a 20% tip…what I PAID was $72.
me: Sigh. Well, you made the birthday girl happy by being there.
she: True. But, I COULD HAVE GIVEN HER THE $50. Then she’d be happy and I wouldn’t feel so damned ripped-off.
Stop smirking, dear readers. You know you’ve had that EXACT conversation with one of your friends. Half the brown people in Amreeka are Guju* and plenty of them are Jain. 🙂 Quit acting like you are unaware of the plight of the put-upon veggie:
Do birthday parties held in restaurants give you a palm-dampening, heart-palpitating anxiety attack? You’re not alone…
It’s not that we don’t wish many happy returns to B. P. — now blushing in thanks or dashing abashedly to the powder room — really, we do. It’s the guy two chairs down who ordered the foie gras appetizer, Dover sole entree, side of truffled mashed potatoes and three martinis made with designer gin whom we never want to see again.
“Vegetarians always get screwed at these things,†rightly groused a paralegal who is tired of subsidizing other people’s steak frites.
Well, my herbivore friends, order well and order plenty:
“Order the biggest dinner you can,†advised a struggling stand-up comic, whose cousin’s 30th-birthday party of 10, at the Slanted Door in San Francisco, proved anything but funny. “It was one of those super-overpriced, nothing-on-the-plate places,†she said, “and everyone was gorging — ordering two, three, four dishes. And lots of wine.†In a vain attempt to be frugal, the comedian ordered but a starter of dumplings, washing them down with tap water. When the bill came, her abstemiousness was ignored; she wound up putting $50 on a credit card. “I was too passive to speak up — so mad, and still hungry,†she said.
As for our next blockquote, “Ethnic”? What the-?
Large groups of friends going Dutch at birthday parties, at what people persist in calling “ethnic†restaurants, is common practice just out of college. “After age 30, it’s tacky,†the paralegal said — though surely some slack can be cut for Manhattanites whose apartments are too small to entertain in.
Who says Manhattanites need slack? My gemutlich abode has <500 sq ft, which had me chortling at the last meetup, when one of you asked if we could do the next one at someone’s house instead, and then volunteered mine.
I don’t think what the understandably bitter paralegal was lamenting above is as tacky as THIS:
But what’s the excuse of that successful actress who recently gave a birthday dinner for herself in a private room at a pricey steakhouse in Beverly Hills and, at the end of a boisterous evening, solicited $100 contributions from each invitee? (The drinks were on her, she announced magnanimously.) “In my mind, ‘private room’ should be synonymous with ‘prepaid,’ †said one bitter attendee.
I thought private room meant the same thing (unless it’s a meetup, people…I ain’t rich!). Even when I couldn’t secure a private room for my little sister’s last birthday at Rasika, I thought it was my responsibility to take care of it (okay, back then I was kinda rich…God bless consulting), since I had invited everyone, on behalf of her. Well, that and aside from one doctor, everyone else worked on the hill/at a non-profit. I’ve been there. Even funnier aside: the doctor at this mostly brown birthday bash was white. But I digress.
I’m sending this to the afore-quoted mutineer, to make her feel better:
Then there was that rising screenwriter who invited 25 associates to a birthday dinner during the popular, budget-friendly Grilled Cheese Night at the upscale Los Angeles restaurant Campanile. About half the group belonged to Hollywood’s aspiring creative class — which is to say, they were unemployed — and gratefully ordered the sandwiches. The other half, mostly studio execs, decided to order liberally from the regular menu, one giving his meal an extra fillip with an expensive dessert liqueur. When the check came, it was split equally. “So we had to pay $100 a person for what amounted to two pieces of bread and some cheese,†fumed one peon. “And the people with the expensive entrees all had expense accounts!â€
It’s not just the guests who are complaining about the practice. “In my experience, when you host a thing like this, you always end up 10 percent short,†said — believe it — a math professor. “Is it because, out of 20 people, one or two will just forget to pay entirely? Or because everyone slightly undercalculates what they owe? Who knows?â€
I’m proud to say that this has rarely happened at SM meetups, which is remarkable considering how large they are. Our last one at Amma attracted close to 30 people, all of whom covered their share– but you mutineers are fantastic like that.
Some palliative tips to make it all somewhat better?
We need not abandon the idea of parties in restaurants altogether. After all, not everyone has the space, the culinary skill or the energy to celebrate friends in the style they deserve. But perhaps there should be a few rules of order(ing). First, avoid long tablefuls of too many people, lest the honoree feel like she is presiding over the Last Supper. “Groups of 10 or under are great,†said a novelist who’s still recovering from a raucous gathering at a West Village restaurant attended by 19 of her nearest and dearest. If it’s a fancy place, consider limiting the menu choices ahead of time to several reasonably priced alternatives and house wines, perhaps to be printed on a keepsake placard.
Still, it seems like there is no avoiding the Dutch malaise:
If you have piles of money, consider paying for everybody. If you don’t, consider disclosing a rough price of entry ahead of time. And if that is exceeded, suck it up, because the alternative is just unpleasant.
“I went to a dinner for a friend that ended with a girl calculating how many glasses of wine each person had had, dividing the cost of the bottle by glass and calculating how much each person owed,†said a Brooklyn-based lawyer. “Then she calculated the cost of what each person had had to eat, added in the birthday girl’s cost — you get the point. If you’re going to a party at a restaurant, you need to be prepared to split whatever the bill is. Then you can complain about it later to someone who wasn’t there.â€
Yep, that’s what I’m here for.
:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
*I’m totally kidding, so don’t yell at me about this faux-tistic. 😀
wow….why the anger?
But “let’s go insidious, hedenostic, selfish american treat” is unwieldly. The Dutch just have to suck it.
The Dutch had nothing to do with clockwork orange. Don’t expect me to go dutch on the credit with that one.
Signed, Anthony Burgess.
C’mon Hema – like this is some really big deal.
It’s not a big deal, which is precisely why I think you made far too much out of my statement, classifying what was mere glibness into “racist classism”. Nothing of the sort was intended, and you took it altogether too far. I resent the insinuation entirely.
I think any sexism inherent in giving the check to the male guest is minimal. What I’m really objecting to is the repeat pattern of behavior….not just by desi waitstaff, but by waitstaff in general. Dining is an arms length commercial transaction, and I don’t think there’s any harm in expressing preference for being treated a particular way, especially after repeat visits to the same restaurant.
The true test would be to bandange up your husbands hands so he can’t use his opposable thumbs. You’d have to feed him his entire meal, but it’s a small price to pay in the interest of social science.
If the put the bill on the table, then stick a pen in his mouth to sign, then yea, it could be read as sexist.
Fine, as long as you are talking about the book and not of the overrated, drug fueled, mind numbingly boring silver screen flotsam made by an overrated director and loved by self important critics.
FYI – I was talking about Dutch soccer teams who back in the day were well….. extremely efficient and some might argue mechanical, which ofcourse as any self respecting football fan with half a brain will tell you is sheer nonsense.
You’d have to feed him his entire meal, but it’s a small price to pay in the interest of social science.
I don’t know about that. The interests of social science might be better served by making him eat with his toes or something. I mean, if Christy Brown could paint with his left foot…
I mean most=51%(+) and all=100%. I think we agree, depending on the area. 🙂
Haha! Another request for SepiaDestiny.com!
But seriously, Pallavi, I really find the “equitable pay” method works. Unless you’re not good friends with the folks you’re eating with, in which case, shouldn’t it matter less if you refuse to pay an equal portion? I don’t know, maybe this is just my crazy pov, but I have never had this problem with friends/colleagues. People are pretty good about not being assholes.
Right, and if my area = planet earth, then we agree.
Good grief! Oh, you said Christy Brown.
Trouble is, I’m somehow the one who winds up feeling like the asshole. It’s always someone’s birthday or new job or anniversary, so I never want to be the one who speaks out and says “Uh…can I just pay for my share plus throw in extra for.” I guess I could, technically, but it always seemed to cause an uncomfortable silence. Or someone says “why don’t we all split it” and everyone agrees and I will be the lone voice of dissent. Maybe I just need new friends. LOL.
Seriously: I have to agree. I also don’t see what’s problematic with just saying “I think my dinner was about $10 cheaper than average” or “Actually, I didn’t have drinks”, if you don’t see people factoring this into their decision, and it bothers you.
And, analogous to Bharat Matrimony (Billions and billions served!), we will need “liberalsepiadestiny.com”, “libertariansepiadestiny.com”, and for everybody else, “otherizedsepiadestiny.com”.
My personal experience with dining out is that most people pay for what they eat/drink, and everyone is on their own. This way, if you’re the one who really likes food (i.e. me), you don’t have to feel guilty that all your friends who eat like birds are paying for your gourmand fest. If it’s a birthday, the birthday girl/boy eats free, and the rest of us split that person’s tab. This seems to work out the best for most people.
we will need “liberalsepiadestiny.com”, “libertariansepiadestiny.com”, and for everybody else, “otherizedsepiadestiny.com”
Heh heh. My new hero…
Beige Siege, Completely agree w/ you on the movie and Cruijff & Co.
Does that mean, if I dine out with my girl/woman friends, the guy at the next table is given the tab?
No, which ever one of you can bench the most gets it.
what??? Blasphemy
hiding from the dutch method…hence the post
Assuming that you haven’t already or aren’t currently doing so, try the love that dare not speak its name. I know far more women who are veg vs. men.
Maybe 😉 But also, I know how uncomfortable it can be to bring this up AFTER the bill is being tabulated. I think it helps to set rules at the beginning. When I was abroad there were 2 vegetarians who made it clear that they were happy to split the bill, but they were not going to chip in for meat. It made calculating the bill a bit trickier, but it’s not that terrible, all things considered. Maybe part of it is also allowing yourself to be up front about this instead of chastising yourself for being “cheap.” I find righteous indignation helps in this case. Also, I think it’s better to deal with it instead of letting it fester and ruin your eating out experience with your friends. Many times people aren’t even thinking about how ridiculous it is for someone who ate $10 worth of food to pay $30 to subsidize a friend’s meat and alcohol. Sometimes just letting them know it is ridiculous helps smooth things over.
Haha, I’ve actually had this problem (going out with all women, the waiter being totally confused — particularly at desi restaurants — about who to give the bill to). I’ve noticed, at least in desi establishments, that they give the bill to whoever looks like the “aunty.” Particularly perplexing when you’re all the same age as it either a) causes more confusion, or b) is kind of insulting to be the “old one out”!
Even worse for awkwardness is going to lunch with a platonic guy friend and having the waiter talk about what a cute couple you are, or giving the guy the bill, or telling the guy to “treat his girlfriend” if I reach for the check.
anna this post reminds me of the friends episode, 4 steaks and an eggplant.
Why? the platonic guy friend could very well want to do the hippity dippity with you anyway.
Why? the platonic guy friend could very well want to do the hippity dippity with you anyway.
So it’s true what they say? The guy always wants it, even if “we’re just friends”?
Puliogre in da USA – Its not anger, its just an attempt at irono-hyperbolic humour. Its not something definitive article challenged people will get.
The operative word in that phrase is just. Implying that more is possible, however remote.
He might, but then we would have to be on “date rules” re: who pays, and he’s probably platonic because I don’t want to do the hippity dippity with HIM 🙂
hema, HMF’s comment reminds me of the Chris Rock “dick in a jar” skit 🙂 That or the “would you like some dick?” skit.
do i get a special quota to get into a phd program?
tough to express such things, as tone gets lost on a blog comment sometimes…
not always, but often…
It’s “dick in a glass case”
being a heavy drinking gourmand, i always come out ahead when the bill is split this way. but when its just drinks, often only the guys pay. so what goes around comes around. most of the time, people only remember the times they get shafted, and take for granted the freebies.
Glass case, jar, the concept is the same 🙂
But Manju, if you are shafted 100 times and get a freebie once, I think the ire is understandable.
116 Jeet
No such restrictions after work though! Better? 🙂
Camille, you’re a vegitarian teetotaler who pays on dates despite the social acceptability of women getting a freebie. Add to this your left-leaning politics and the conclusion is inescapable. You, my friend, have a Martyr Complex.
Since no one has seen it fit to bring this up, I will.
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends. Sally Albright: Why not? Harry Burns: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Sally Albright: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. Harry Burns: No you don’t. Sally Albright: Yes I do. Harry Burns: No you don’t. Sally Albright: Yes I do. Harry Burns: You only think you do. Sally Albright: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge? Harry Burns: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you. Sally Albright: They do not. Harry Burns: Do too. Sally Albright: They do not. Harry Burns: Do too. Sally Albright: How do you know? Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. Sally Albright: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail ’em too. Sally Albright: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU? Harry Burns: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. Sally Albright: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then. Harry Burns: I guess not. Sally Albright: That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.
I can’t believe I missed this whole thread. It’s what I get for working late. I feel sorry for myself. To console me, I’m going to go grab a steak and eat it by myself. 🙁
Oh well. Rahul was here. So while we’re quoting movies…
“There can be only one.”
Salil, I bet folks can keep it going just for you 🙂
Rahul, I had a guy friend call me Sally for being picky when I order >:(
Thanks, Manju, I’ll take that as a compliment 😉
[also, I feel like I should be clear that I’m actually not a vegetarian; I’m a (light) meat-eater who is allergic to dairy. I would be vegetarian, but don’t have the heart to be vegan (which is close to what giving up meat would be for me).]
Don’t worry, Camille. I’ll have what you’re having.
rushdie has changed. obviously the fatwa deeply affected him. but also, his disillusion with the sandinistas whom he once almost worshipped led to a more nuanced view of US foreign policy. i remember him speaking about how he was haunted by their brutal treatment of indigenous people like the miskito indians.
but i think, like chrisopher hitchens, he remains fundamentally the same and his support for the iraqi war can easily been seen as a man of the left coming to grips with a new fascism (well, in the case of saddam, really an old one) that he’s personally seen face to face. so i don’t think he’s too different from the man who wrote of institutional racism and imperialism. after all, he’s lived and prospered and been protected by that imperialist land for a long time now. so accepting the knighthood is probably an appropriate reconciliation, and just as importantly, is a more subversive act than rejecting it, at least to true rightist powers that be.
It should make finding a meal of “equal or lesser value” much simpler 😉
Umm, yeahhhh, that’s what I meant.
Salil, sorry for spoiling it for you. What I really mean is, frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. But you can’t handle the truth! So I’ll just say, maybe tomorrow’s another day. Here’s lookin’ at you, kid!
Anna
This long-suffering fellow vegetarian tips his hat in gratitude… you speak for me, and from the comments, a lot of others as well 🙂
Keep up the great work
“If you are lucky enough in this lifetime to have a steak in front of you, then bite the sh*t out of it” – Chris Rock
Camille, I had a first grade teacher call me Sally because she couldn’t say “Salil.” >:( I went by “Jay” for the next 20-something years just to avoid that kind of stupidity. 😀 This story was the subject of much mirth at a recent DC meetup.
Fifi: They say people don’t believe in heroes anymore. Well damn them! You and me, Max, we’re gonna give them back their heroes! Max: Ah, Fif. Do you really expect me to go for that crap? Fifi: You gotta admit I sounded good there for a minute, huh?
Camille and Sally, I am very confused by this sign “>:(“. Is the “>” a creased forehead? And is there no nose?
Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!
That is way more awful and traumatic than being called Sally for being a picky eater. Sal didn’t work as a nickname, a la old school Italian immigrant? 🙂
First, the
emoticon indicates extreme displeasure. It is, as it were, a frowny face. Noseless, and therefore unhappy. With nose, it becomes
which is sort of pleasantly demonic, indicating imminent mischief of some sort.
But onto the quote! Rahul, my friend, you had to go there. But you left off the rest of the quote leading up to the scream! Although really it’s not very appropriate for this conversation at all, still, now it must be copied here:
Kirk: Khan… Khan, you’ve got Genesis, but you don’t have me. You were going to kill me, Khan. You’re gonna have to come down here. You’re gonna have to come down here! Khan: I’ve done far worse than kill you, Admiral. I’ve hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her: marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet, buried alive. Buried alive! BURIED ALIVE! BURIED ALIVE!!!*
Ok, this conversation has totally veered off into Surrealville.
*Third and fourth instances of the phrase “buried alive” did not appear in the movie. I just really like saying that. Try it, you’ll see. It’s fun!
I think the > in the >:( also indicates anger, rage, and a decidedly furrowed brow. I find using this in gchat is way simpler since they flip the face around. I also like the :(|) [monkey face]
The > in >:-) is kind of like a devilish cocked eyebrow, I feel. I think google is much clearer when they go: }:-) horns are so much clearer!
I got your meaning (I think?) but was pretending to be obtuse. Although at this rate it seems like a natural personality trait. 🙂
My momma always said, ‘A blog was like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get.’ But, muth-ah, she wouldn’t hurt a fly.
“>” is one hell of a cocked eyebrow. I’d be impressed if Scorsese could cock his eyebrows like that.
Amateurs. Clever, but dumb.