I love reading real newspapers on the weekends (since all I have time for is Express during the week). While lazing through the New York Times this afternoon, I found this six week old “T: Style” article which made me smile, after the conversation I had yesterday with a mutineer…
me: How was dinner?
she: Can I vent?
me: But of course, my little cabbage!
she: I got robbed.
me: OMG, you got mugged???
she: Noooo. I mean…when the bill came.
me: I don’t get it.
she: Of course you do, you’re veg, too.
me: Oh, THAT-a-way
she: Yes. That. A. Way. Not a damned vegetarian entree on the menu AND everyone I was with obviously ordered seafood– not just any seafood…the market-rate stuff.
me: Ah, that which has no price listed.
she: EXACTLY!
me: Ouch.
she: That’s not even the worst of it! You know how I don’t drink??
me: Yeah…?
she: Well, everyone else more than made up for it. 3-4 each.
me: Wow, so you-
she: Subsidized a bunch of fish and vodka. What I ordered came to all of $25 WITH tax and a 20% tip…what I PAID was $72.
me: Sigh. Well, you made the birthday girl happy by being there.
she: True. But, I COULD HAVE GIVEN HER THE $50. Then she’d be happy and I wouldn’t feel so damned ripped-off.
Stop smirking, dear readers. You know you’ve had that EXACT conversation with one of your friends. Half the brown people in Amreeka are Guju* and plenty of them are Jain. 🙂 Quit acting like you are unaware of the plight of the put-upon veggie:
Do birthday parties held in restaurants give you a palm-dampening, heart-palpitating anxiety attack? You’re not alone…
It’s not that we don’t wish many happy returns to B. P. — now blushing in thanks or dashing abashedly to the powder room — really, we do. It’s the guy two chairs down who ordered the foie gras appetizer, Dover sole entree, side of truffled mashed potatoes and three martinis made with designer gin whom we never want to see again.
“Vegetarians always get screwed at these things,†rightly groused a paralegal who is tired of subsidizing other people’s steak frites.
Well, my herbivore friends, order well and order plenty:
“Order the biggest dinner you can,†advised a struggling stand-up comic, whose cousin’s 30th-birthday party of 10, at the Slanted Door in San Francisco, proved anything but funny. “It was one of those super-overpriced, nothing-on-the-plate places,†she said, “and everyone was gorging — ordering two, three, four dishes. And lots of wine.†In a vain attempt to be frugal, the comedian ordered but a starter of dumplings, washing them down with tap water. When the bill came, her abstemiousness was ignored; she wound up putting $50 on a credit card. “I was too passive to speak up — so mad, and still hungry,†she said.
As for our next blockquote, “Ethnic”? What the-?
Large groups of friends going Dutch at birthday parties, at what people persist in calling “ethnic†restaurants, is common practice just out of college. “After age 30, it’s tacky,†the paralegal said — though surely some slack can be cut for Manhattanites whose apartments are too small to entertain in.
Who says Manhattanites need slack? My gemutlich abode has <500 sq ft, which had me chortling at the last meetup, when one of you asked if we could do the next one at someone’s house instead, and then volunteered mine.
I don’t think what the understandably bitter paralegal was lamenting above is as tacky as THIS:
But what’s the excuse of that successful actress who recently gave a birthday dinner for herself in a private room at a pricey steakhouse in Beverly Hills and, at the end of a boisterous evening, solicited $100 contributions from each invitee? (The drinks were on her, she announced magnanimously.) “In my mind, ‘private room’ should be synonymous with ‘prepaid,’ †said one bitter attendee.
I thought private room meant the same thing (unless it’s a meetup, people…I ain’t rich!). Even when I couldn’t secure a private room for my little sister’s last birthday at Rasika, I thought it was my responsibility to take care of it (okay, back then I was kinda rich…God bless consulting), since I had invited everyone, on behalf of her. Well, that and aside from one doctor, everyone else worked on the hill/at a non-profit. I’ve been there. Even funnier aside: the doctor at this mostly brown birthday bash was white. But I digress.
I’m sending this to the afore-quoted mutineer, to make her feel better:
Then there was that rising screenwriter who invited 25 associates to a birthday dinner during the popular, budget-friendly Grilled Cheese Night at the upscale Los Angeles restaurant Campanile. About half the group belonged to Hollywood’s aspiring creative class — which is to say, they were unemployed — and gratefully ordered the sandwiches. The other half, mostly studio execs, decided to order liberally from the regular menu, one giving his meal an extra fillip with an expensive dessert liqueur. When the check came, it was split equally. “So we had to pay $100 a person for what amounted to two pieces of bread and some cheese,†fumed one peon. “And the people with the expensive entrees all had expense accounts!â€
It’s not just the guests who are complaining about the practice. “In my experience, when you host a thing like this, you always end up 10 percent short,†said — believe it — a math professor. “Is it because, out of 20 people, one or two will just forget to pay entirely? Or because everyone slightly undercalculates what they owe? Who knows?â€
I’m proud to say that this has rarely happened at SM meetups, which is remarkable considering how large they are. Our last one at Amma attracted close to 30 people, all of whom covered their share– but you mutineers are fantastic like that.
Some palliative tips to make it all somewhat better?
We need not abandon the idea of parties in restaurants altogether. After all, not everyone has the space, the culinary skill or the energy to celebrate friends in the style they deserve. But perhaps there should be a few rules of order(ing). First, avoid long tablefuls of too many people, lest the honoree feel like she is presiding over the Last Supper. “Groups of 10 or under are great,†said a novelist who’s still recovering from a raucous gathering at a West Village restaurant attended by 19 of her nearest and dearest. If it’s a fancy place, consider limiting the menu choices ahead of time to several reasonably priced alternatives and house wines, perhaps to be printed on a keepsake placard.
Still, it seems like there is no avoiding the Dutch malaise:
If you have piles of money, consider paying for everybody. If you don’t, consider disclosing a rough price of entry ahead of time. And if that is exceeded, suck it up, because the alternative is just unpleasant.
“I went to a dinner for a friend that ended with a girl calculating how many glasses of wine each person had had, dividing the cost of the bottle by glass and calculating how much each person owed,†said a Brooklyn-based lawyer. “Then she calculated the cost of what each person had had to eat, added in the birthday girl’s cost — you get the point. If you’re going to a party at a restaurant, you need to be prepared to split whatever the bill is. Then you can complain about it later to someone who wasn’t there.â€
Yep, that’s what I’m here for.
:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
*I’m totally kidding, so don’t yell at me about this faux-tistic. 😀
That is the truth! As a non-drinker I never pay for folks’ alcohol. I have no problem whatsoever only putting in for what I ate. I don’t think I’m cheap, but my friends and I have not split evenly on a bill since we were in high school. A lot of this was because I always had fewer food options (allergic to dairy, picky about my diet), but a lot of it was because we all came from different socioeconomics. Our system has always been either a) pay for what you consumed, or b) pay equitably. That is, if folks insist on an expensive restaurant (and are better off financially), they’re expected to pay the difference for those who could not afford it and would not choose that restaurant otherwise. It’s nice because over time this always changes — someone goes back to grad school, someone else lands a new job or promotion. It’s spread out pretty evenly over time.
But I’m with SP. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to only put in what you feel is fair, or to make it clear what your eating requirements are from the beginning. The worst story is by far the person who springs their bill on you (which I’ve had happen) — I just thought it was grade A tacky.
Areem, this is true for vegans almost ANYWHERE. I feel like the only way to really avoid vegan malaise is to eat at vegan restaurants or go places where you know the veggie (as in actual vegetables) dishes will be good.
I also just feel this is good housekeeping. If you’re going to invite vegans, make sure you have vegan dishes or go to a vegan restaurant. My friends all do this — only one of us is vegan! It’s not that hard to get on the internet and figure out how to put something together for a potluck, or to do a quick online search for a good restaurant. It’s inconsiderate to invite folks out and then hold your gathering somewhere where there is NOTHING for them to eat/drink.
After experiencing the ‘conservative eater’ burn I’ve learnt a few lessons…
I’ll meet up birthday parties for after dinner drinks and skip the dinner. I don’t drink much so it works out. I’ll by the birthday/girl boy a drink and sip on something and call it a day. Oh and also no drinks at a ‘table’ where one bill exists. I’ll go to the bar and get my own drink thank you. Getting a total bill for one table at the end of the evening for drinks is a major potential burn.
When hosting just such a birthday bash for myself I only a few close friends are invited to dinner and the rest meetup for drinks. Dinner is usually at someplace chic but inexpensive. Unfortunately I’ve also cut off people from the list who are picky, difficult eaters who end up posing a problem when the bill arrives. This gripe goes both ways 🙂
If the disparity between what I ate versus what I’m paying for ends up being $15+ I insist on paying for what I ate. I’m perfectly happy treating the birthday person on my bill alone but not OK with paying for too much more than what I got. And especially if people are downing $80 worth of drinks and I had a coke.
I’ve been burnt enough and probably have been inconsiderate in the past when I was younger and have come to realize this as I’ve gotten older.
You guys all make good points. But on the other hand, I have a friend who will always calculate down to the nearest 10 cents the exact amount of his order (and his share of the tip), and pay exactly that amount. I guess there’s nothing wrong with it, but come on…most of the time if the bill had just been split evenly, it would have hardly made a difference, maybe he would have paid an extra 3 or 4 bucks…but at least he wouldn’t have looked so cheap. The rest of my friends tend to just split the bill evenly. As for me, if I’ve ordered more drinks than others, or if I’ve ordered a more expensive entree, I always try to pay extra to make up for that.
There is another way that you can get cheated at dinner with friends…if you all order a bunch of dishes to share…and one person eats the lion’s share, yet all have to split the bill evenly. To be honest, it’s often me eating the lion’s share though, so maybe I shouldn’t complain…but seriously, how would you creative minds solve that type of problem?
wow what a timely post just in time to make me a support group.. I went to a highschool graduation party in a restaurant this friday. My gf ordered Rissoto and me some soup salad and breadsticks, plus a glass or 2 of wine. After some cofee and 20% tip,our share come out to be about 80 bucks :(. I feel ripped off ! And the worst, I had to go to jack in the box like 2 hours later ..sob!
Meerkat:
If your buddy is a close friend, s/he can mention to the caterer that there will be a/some vegetarian/s present, if you ask him/her beforehand. Most caterers will make allowances since the food is cooked the same day anyway. You may end up with a lot of salads or some artistic pasta or something, but at least you won’t have to have them juggling. Our non-veg friend who got married recently told his caterer to reserve 2 veg meals. They seem to have misunderstood that veg does not include seafood so we had to get them to make us a different first course, but they were prepared with an appropriate entree which was nice. If you don’t know the person very well it would be harder to get that allowance made, but with a buddy I would expect it wouldn’t be a big problem for him/her to put in a phone call.
On to other topics, here is a story that makes me feel very lucky that our non-veg friends want to spend time with us and don’t care about the food so much so they will “take a hit” so to speak and eat veg when we go out! (Great friends, I tell ya!) About 10 years ago, I, a vegetarian, who went for a class in Baja CA for 6 weeks with everyone else carnivores except one meat eater who referred to herself as a vegan (WTF!) was actually coerced to start shelling a crab that I wasn’t going to eat. (Yeah, I wasn’t the person I am today. NowMe would have probably insisted on being paid for that lol.) We had prepaid for food for the trip and I got really shafted because I lived on cornflakes, chocolate milk, and mangoes and wasn’t even going to eat it and they said, get this: “even if you aren’t going to eat it you still have to contribute and help prepare dinner!” But, of course, they were quite insensitive, or even mean, so my share of dinner preparation did not involve chopping the onion. I almost barfed, which is a big deal since I haven’t since I was 7. Yuck. In retrospect I would have liked to claim “my” crab before it was cooked and let it go just to make a point: I paid for it so I should get to do whatever I want with it. Anyway, this makes me appreciate our friends so much for their consideration.
this is nuts. I don’t think I’ve seen this many vegetarians and non drinkers in one place, outside of the buddhist monastery. And this ain’t no monastery.
ak, I said equal or lesser value. No need to put the woman down that way! And, really, “he wasn’t that hungry”? The moment he didn’t order real food at Via Matta, you should’ve been, like, fuhgeddaboudit.
Oh yeah, Nina, I do know what you mean. I just reserved us a corner table for this Friday evening at the neighborhood McD’s. Anything you want on the dollar menu, it’s yours. And, of course, dinner’s on me.
Welcome to the Ashram, my friend.
Yes!!!!!!!! I so know what you’re talking about! Being a vegetarian and going dutch sucks. Its a facade. They make you believe that it’s going to be nice and but almost always end up paying more than what you eat for. I mean, come on, how much could a vegetarina dish cost as compared to say a Duck or Prawns. And if you notice, there are always there people who get away without paying much! Psst: I’m a carnivore, just for the record.
Install a device in each of our esophaguses that calculates the rate at which food enters, and alcohol intake as well. The device will have to be networked (with bluetooth or infrared) with other dinner people. THen when the bill comes an exact calculation can be made.
HMF – there’s also a good old honour code – everyone has a sense of how much s/he owes, and unless you’re Lakshmi Mittal or something you probably chose an entree or decided to skip dessert or had a certain number of drinks based on what you could spend that evening. It’s a matter of being honest, and putting in what you owe, instead of taking the easy way out and making someone else pay for your indulgences with a socialized-collectivised check (btw I always think it’s so ironic that it’s Americans who insist on collectivisation in this regard).
So, do the Dutch really always (on dates?) split checks? Whats the etymology of the phrase?
Even though I pick up the tab unless the girl insists, I always felt not sharing the cost of the meal is a little old fashioned. For all the progress feminist causes have made, I dont quite understand what the act of a guy picking up the check is supposed to mean? Is it some kind of courting ritual that tells girls something about the guy? (I am hoping its not something as crass as “You buy me dinner and I will fuck you “)Maybe I am wierd to think so, but my opinion of the girl drops a little if she doesnt atleast offer to split the check.
I am really looking forward to hearing y’alls take on this.
You’re right. Golly gee willakers, what was I thinking?
I’m completely on board here. A friend of mine tried to explain this away, with something like, “No, she’s just assessing your ability to be financially responsible by using your ability as a demarcater” to which I responded, “alright, I’ll just produce my last gas bill, check receipt, and investment portfolio” That should eradicate any notion of fiscal irresponsibility.
Mind you, I have no problem with women expecting men to pay. Just be upfront and admit the sh*t. A girl once told me, “if a guy doesn’t pay on the first date, he’s out” and then said, “but it’s not about the money” I called her out for hypocrisy and she didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Chaps, I share your discomfort with women who expect the guy to pick up the check on the first date, but I get the impression from most of my American girl friends that this is seen as a sign that the guy is attentive/chivalrous, willing to do the chasing and the courting at least at first and even if only nominally. Some last little vestige of romance or something. I don’t really get it, and I do think it’s hypocritical, but then there’s enough hypocrisy about feminism to go around in Amrika (as anywhere else), e.g. women’s families still paying for weddings and women still doing the bulk of housework in a two-earner household.
sometimes, it is – i’ve had plenty of guy friends tell me that after paying for dinner, drinks etc. they didn’t get as much action as they expected. i have issues with this, partly because it seems to categorize the gender roles – men are for money, women are for sex. re paying the bill – i think whoever asked for the first date should pay at least the meal (even when the other offers to split). when i do the asking, sometimes i pay for the meal, and drinks before or after. but usually when it’s the other way around, i like to pay for whatever comes after the meal, like drinks or the cover at a bar/club. after the first date, though, it should be more even – splitting the bill or taking turns.
That’s entirely their fault. Personally, I use the Feynman method (pages 72-74).
It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a stupid social convention like opening the door, or wearing clothes.
Indian men vs women – ABDs vs IBDs(Indian BOrn Desis who have been here long enough to know better) vs FOBs(legit excuse not to realize tipping is important because of the wages). Tipping habits.
My cousin had an Indian restaurant and told me that a lot of Indians(especially the IBDs who were rich and stayed here long enough to know better) were the worst tippers. Some docs would not even leave 5% on a big ass bill.
My experience – ABDs are pretty good tippers. IBDs – I have seen some cheap ones, but in general, I have seen more good ones than bad ones. But I have heard plenty of cheap IBD anecdotes with respect to tipping from my sis and a couple of relatives. So maybe I just hang out with a cooler IBD crowd??:=)))
This seems like off topic, but I was just curious if some of you felt the need to overcompensate your share of the tip to make up for your lunch friends(regadless of ethnicity) cheap ass tipping. We would have one colleague(White) who would always round up his share enough to cover either his tax or his tip but not enough for both. And even when it covered his tip, most of the time it would be 10% worth. It didnt bother us at first because we usually allow for a margin of a dollar error to expedite the splitting of the bill. But over time, it got on our nerves why this guy would always err on the cheaper side instead of underpaying once and overpaying another time as the others would.
Yeah, it’s a social convention, but it’s also part and parcel of wider understandings of masculinity and femininity – the man is expected to provide stability and financial security, the woman emotional nurturing, etc etc. I’ve had some men (on the older, old fashioned side) complain that it’s “unfeminine” when women ask to split the check and it takes away some of the romance to be calculating and negotiating with someone you’ve just met and are smitten with. This sort of thing is deeply ingrained for some people. I don’t get it, but it’s important to them.
People from the midwest are the best tippers.
This is like male/female dining version of the grandfather clause. I’d imagine a female asking is about as common as Haley’s comet.
You had to go and ruin it. The magic is gone.
i don’t think it’s that uncommon, but yes the male:female ratio is quite imbalanced. but i do think it’s a fair system – if you were interested enough to ask a person out, you should be at least willing to pay for the meal on the first date, even if the other offers and you accept. beyond the meal on the first date, everything else is fair game.
There was a time when I just went along with the group’s choice of restaurant and suffered through a plate of greens. Nowadays, I mention beforehand or people know about my veg preference, and make sure we go to a place which is veg-friendly. And we always take separate checks. I suffered (in Orlando, of all places) through an extremely buttery pasta because everyone else wanted sea-food. I swear I still haven’t lost those pounds I gained through that meal.
Etymology on going dutch
I see your point, but I actually believe the in somewhat the opposite, I think the one party paying should occur later on, if at all. I think even though one person asks, if the other person accepts, they are implicitly saying, I am interested enough to get to know you too. A split check to me, indicates that equal interest factor, rather than, “ok since you’re paying I’ll put up with your physical presence”
Besides, someone has to do the asking, unless both people sit, logged on to this website, and time it perfectly to say “you wanna go out” as per the NIST standard.
I knew exactly what you were talking about when you mentioned Feynman and I agree with the premise of that story, but only when it comes to drinks at a bar not dinner.
Damn this newfangled Internet thingy! Usually, that takes till after the first date.
fair enough. for the record, i always offer (but am sometimes not successful) even when it is one of those physical-presence-tolerance dates.
wouldn’t they have to pre-plan this synchronocity, thus, essentially, erasing any need for the asking by either?
.
I’m going to
prayassume this is a joke!As a lover of Filet Mignon who washes it down with Pinot Noir, I will be more considerate before I throw out a card and say “split it”. If I see someone eat light/veg, I’ll take it upon myself to look out for them. I DO think veg folks should speak up.
I’ve thought about the dinner party route. Considering I don’t dig on swine (nobody wants pizza with me) and I associate w/ friends who are either no beef, veg, no beef/pork/lamb + shellfish allergy, veg + peanut allergy — I’ve given up. We just go out and everyone fends for themselves.
As far as dating, whoever asks, pays. If you take someone out, be prepared to pay for the works. Know where reasonable/tasty places are.
I remember many years ago that my apartment complex was having a neighborhood party and the only things they had to eat were hot dogs and potato chips (and the like). Several of the Indian families that had moved in the few preceding months went to the party and had nothing to eat. That drove the point home pretty quickly for me that people (especially myself) should be more culturally sensitive.
It kind of sours my stomach when people are not aware enough of their surroundings to realize that not everyone eats like they do, and that there is a world beyond their own needs.
ak, I’m with you on this, and so are (apparently) several etiquette manuals. I also think it’s fair to take turns after the first date (e.g. first date is on the person who asked, second is on the other person, or whatnot). I have a friend who always offers to pay for the entirety of the first date and judges men by whether or not they feel comfortable enough to accept. Personally I think splitting the bill is easier, particularly if the date goes really badly. I’ve definitely met guys who have been offended by this, though. What do you do then? 🙂
You know, back in the dark ages, when I actually still dated, I never succeeded at my attempts to split the check. The guy always seemed to think it was his job to pick up the check.
Mostly, I blame the wait staff. They invariably bring the check to the male at the table, contributing to the whole “guy picks up the check” thing.
This sounds nice in practice, but to me, it’s just a “guy pays first” de facto rule. We live in a society in which men do all the asking.
From this discussion going on and on about female financial growth, everyone should make like the banana and split. It’s the only way to send a message of “we’re on equal footing here, trying to get to know each other”
The “person who asked out pays and then you alternate for subsequent dates” strategy is actually rather Marcel Mauss – a gift invites reciprocity and a sustained relationship, so perhaps the fact that you’re willing to take a gift/favour/meal from someone suggests you are interested enough in them to continue the relationship? It’s certainly why a lot of women I know insist on splitting the bill after a bad date, so they won’t feel obliged to the schmuck or feel they have to go out with him again.
Then again, there are some women who’ll go out with a guy for laughs or just for a fun evening out, not because they’re really interested, and expect him to pay, and I’ve heard them referred to (particularly among those who use internet dating services) as “dinner whores.” Ouch.
i know what you mean – i always insist on paying when i do the asking. but when i am asked, even though i offer to pay, how much i insist beyond that depends on the situation. some guys are even offended at the offer to pay, so i just let it go. and it’s hard to decipher what this means with each guy – macho? proof of financial means? insecurity? or just the etiquette that they asked you out and should pay? i was going to write more on this topic, but the more i type, the more i realise how tricky dating can be. depressing…
Hema, were these desi male waitstaff or waitstaff in the US? If the former, I know what you mean; in the US, I’ve almost never encountered this. Except at desi restaurants, actually, and then I’d insist on paying with my card and take cash for the boyfriend’s share from him later, just to piss off the sexist desi restaurant guys who plunked the check in front of the BF.
SP, do you always dutch on dates? So much for empowerment. tsk tsk shakes head sanctimoniously
i have so many memories of having to eat bread or rice at restaurants as a child, while my friends would gorge on burgers and chicken pasta. every since entering adulthood and the lovely world of dining out (for, oh, almost every meal), though, i haven’t had a single problem getting ripped off as a vegetarian. if anything, it’s my friends who get screwed when eating with me. i have a very healthy appetite. if eat out, i ideally like to have appetizers, a salad, entree, and maybe dessert if i’m not going to explode. oh, and i forgot the bottle of wine. my friends, be it because they’re broke, weight conscious, have small appetites, or just aren’t culinarily adventurous, almost never want to order as much food as me. i’ve made it a rule to stop eating out with people who only order an appetizer or salad as their entree (or just pay for it if i know they are counting pennies). i don’t think i’ve ever been to a dinner where we didn’t at least check the bill and have everyone pay close to their fair share. i’m startled to hear it happens to some of you so frequently.
and btw, i hate the idea that veges should load up on appetizers (e.g. mozarella sticks) or desserts — how does that work for the vegetarian who tried to eat healthy? i would feel sick, just as i did as a kid, if i had to eat a meal of bread and fried goods. i always speak up before making dinner plans and check out menus online before any meal with strangers who don’t know i’m vegetarian. i’ve also called ahead to the restaurant plenty of times and let them know to expect a vegetarian; many places that don’t have vege options on the menu are more than willing to accomodate.
some people have actually theorized based on amount, that is, the asker/male should pay if it’s a fairly low amount (~15-20 bucks) but split if it’s higher. I can understand this, because a low-amount split could be taken as “I don’t want you to even think that we’re gonna see each other again”
Hema, were these desi male waitstaff or waitstaff in the US?
Mostly with desi waitstaff in the US, although I have encountered the same phenomenon at some nice non-desi restaurants (with non-desi waitstaff) too. I think there’s just an assumption that the guy is picking up the check, and if not, well, it’s a harmless mistake from the waitstaff’s perspective. I’ve always wondered what happens with same-sex couples.
It’s actually fun to mess with the waitstaff at desi restaurants. They invariably bring the check to my husband, and he always makes a big show of handing the check to me in the waiter’s presence. The thing that amuses me is even after the waiter sees me put my credit card down, he still brings the receipt, etc. to my husband!
HMF, I think this is particular to either a) your locality, b) your generation, or c) your peer group. 🙂 While I definitely think guys do most of the asking, they really don’t do alllllll of the asking.
hema — I’ve had the same experience, with non-desi waitstaff as well as desi waitstaff. While desi waitstaff are a bit more… insistent on the bill going to the male, I’ve had the same thing happen in other restaurants (I put down the card, the guy gets the receipt for the signature). I much prefer the tradition of leaving the bill in the middle of the table.
Yes, racist classism is always the right response to presumed sexism. Always.
C’mon, chachaji…I think you know that’s not how my remark was intended. Racist classism?
The fact is, after repeated visits to the same restaurant where I have picked up the check, it’s about time the waitstaff responded by just leaving the check at some neutral location on the table.
DDIA – yes, of course, always. Why? What’s unempowered about that?
C’mon Hema – like this is some really big deal. When we talk of presumed sexist slights (and this is a really slight slight, if it’s even a slight) – let us not forget the two huge other variables – race and class – and how they intersect with the ‘desi waitstaff’ and how we think about these things, and how we prioritize injustices and slights. Surely you knew better than to suggest the fun in ‘messing’ with ‘desi waitstaff’. This is classist otherizing.
If you mean:
most = 99.9999% alll = 100%
then we agree.
Alright, apparently I need to clarify. I WAS joking about the entree of equal or lesser value thing on a date. The truth is I completely eliminate this issue by dating only on cone days.
SM Interns/Technicians/(Code) Monkeys, I again request a “warning! attempted humor” button for Firefox. Unless you want your comments section to look like the detritus of a 15 year old’s AIM conversation littered with LOLs and j/k’s.
That’s such a clunky word. Why isn’t the opposite of empowered “blacked out”?
…
In fact, I’d call this just a slight of hand.
(ok, I’ll stop now).
Gah! Where are all these vegetarian Desis when I’m doing online dating?! Clearly you all exist, but I never seem to see you anywhere! 🙂
Back on topic: I’ve been screwed over so much by this, to the extent that I decline invites to fancy restaurants with friends. My polenta should not cost the same as someone else’s T-bone steak (or whatever the heck y’all eat). My only suggestions so far:
Skip dinner and show up later for dessert. There is no way in hades anyone will ask you to split the bill if you didn’t eat a meal.
Drink…a lot. Preferably martinis…with high end vodka. You shouldn’t have to do this, but if you’re going to pay a lot anyway, you may as well be properly inebriated. It hurts less. 😉
Even aside from being vegetarian, it’s painful if there are discrepancies in income. Some people just want to save money and not eat an expensive meal. It’s a shame that they can’t bring this up for fear of causing discomfort at the table. Bleh – there has to be a solution!
Sorry folks ,but its not just vegetarians who go through this
I have had several experiences where a group will go out on a work day ( usually a farewell lunch for someone) , the rest of the lunchers order a bottle of wine and really heavy entrees – I do not because: a) I cannot do a heavy lunch b) I do not drink in the middle of a workday .
But I still end up paying for someone’s Merlot and Prime ribs. Sometimes all you can do is suck it up and vent later. After all you always have the option of not attending !
More love for non -vegetarians ,please! Where is your sense of inclusion?
As some of us thought, reading the link to the etymology of the word Dutch Treat given by Munimma in #72 splitting a check evenly is NOT Dutch. Dutch means everyone paying for themselves. Dont blame the country that has given us windmills and clockwork orange and van gogh and total football for this insidious, hedenostic, selfish american practice.