When you think about it, there are many ways in which speed dating can go horribly horribly wrong. My favorite account of a speed dating disaster comes from Rupa:
R: So…what do you like to do for fun?
Another boring dude: I play online pokers. And I watch Indian movies.
R: Do you read books?
Abd: No. I hate it when authors, y’know, try to give their OPINION. I hate it when people try and tell me how to think. So I don’t read books.
R: So you just don’t think?
Abd: Yes. [Link]
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p>Bored out of her gourd, Rupa turns … dangerous:
Towards the middle I just stopped asking questions, because I realized I totally, absolutely, fully did not give a shit. And that was when I decided to start making stuff up. I … managed to tell someone that I had a 9-year old son (“My family is extremely supportive”), that I had a gambling problem (“After I took out that third mortgage on my condo, my parents staged an intervention. Have you ever been to that casino in Gary, Indiana? They caught it all on tape”), but my favorite was when Natasha asked someone if he would have a problem with a woman who did drugs.
ABD#3: Just once in a while, right?
N: No…it’s pretty much everyday.
ABD#3: Well…I guess it’s not a problem. But you’d stop after marriage, right?
N: No. Absolutely not. I don’t think so.
ABD#3: Well..I guess that’d be ok. [Link]
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p>So when I stopped laughing my kundi off, I paused to wonder whether or not there was any way speed dating could work. I would think that if you only have a few minutes to make an impression, the usual conversational gambits fall flat since they all depend on being able to talk long enough to get past the obvious (what you do and where you live) to the more interesting.
So, tell us. What worked for you? What didn’t? If you wont fess up to having done this, explain what you might do that you’re sure would work if you tried it. Think of it as a public service. Or public ridicule. Either one, really 
Aye. Speed Dating. I’ll be able to tell you more about my experience after Wednesday… 😉
I will keep Rupa’s “Do you have a problem with women that do drugs?” though, in the back of my mind. I’m looking for other snarky come backs to use when things get rough.
That is so funny! I can just picture the guy squirming uncomfortably as he tries to be polite.
Ennis,
I remember you saying something about one such event you were to attend somewhere on the west coast..how did that go?!
It was cancelled, sadly, but that’s what raised my curiosity about whether anything would work in such a situation.
Aw, thanks for the shout out! I like to recount each of my dating disasters in painstaking detail in the hopes that someone, somewhere will learn from my mistakes. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Rupa – what would have worked? What would have been a decent way to open conversation in such a situation?
I’ve only been to ONE speed-dating event in my 2 yrs here in NYC area, but it wasn’t a horrible thing. I had FUN actually, even though 2 of the guys were TOTALLY not interested in talking to me after the “hellos” and “what do you do” babble. I think it was fun for me b/c I was such a little wallflower a few years back and had not met many desi guys my age.
Rupa, you are very intelligent, pretty, and successful, so maybe some guys are intimidated? My dad often says that desi guys (like a LOTTA guys) are intimidated my women who have their stuff together. I don’t see myself as intimidating, but who knows what goes on in other peoples’ minds?
Oh, the event I went to was via Flirteve. It’s nothing like the ISNA deal the NY Times talked about- that sounds pretty weird. BTW, most of the people who go to ISNA events are are desi Muslim (and on the conservative side). I was curious about it before, but now I KNOW it’s not for me! A few practicing Muslim ladies I met wanted to go and check it out though…
Rupa Rocks!
P.S. Does Anna post here anymore?
So nobody has any advice, based on personal experience or otherwise? C’mon, Taz is going to be at one of these things tomorrow, don’t we need to educate the young men of LA so that they have some game?
I think our Taz will eat all of them alive, with or without game 🙂 I am just gonna wait to read her report about the proceedings.
Ok I have never been to a speed dating event but there is no liquor there (according to Rupa)?? how is somebody supposed to relax at those things.
Can I say something against the grain here? I felt sorry for those schlubs.
While they may lack social skills to pick up girls in other ways, I didn’t care for the girls’ social skills either.
I totally understand that yeah, you’re not going to click with every person and the first scenario of the non-reader-thinker was funny. But, then when the girls got into the playing games with them, I didn’t get it. If you go to this with a negative attitude or not be serious, it’s obviously not going to work.
And, if you’re bored, why can’t you just walk out? It’s not like you have mummyji, papaji and dadiji sitting there sipping tea with visions of grandchildren in their head while you try to talk to the guy. Obviously these guys took it seriously.
Wow! What a conclusion! I hate it when people walk around making this equivalence (reading = thinking = better). Even people who’re always carrying around the latest Danielle Steele product have these airs about them. Who’s Rupa?
I totally didn’t read this before posting in the Part 1 – I posted a brief experience at a Sikh Speed
DatingMeeting event.I have another story though from that same night. (There were many.)
There was one gentleman rocking a suit that I saw at the beginning of the event before we all got seated. I knew half of the guys there already, (the Sikh community isn’t small, but I believe we’re all separated by no more than two degrees), and this guy was the only one I didn’t know that piqued my interest. I thought, “I want to meet him.” When we finally sat together, we introduced ourselves.
Daler: My name is Daler. Me: Like the singer? Daler: Yeah.
(I changed his name to protect his anonymity, but I changed it to the name of another singer to keep the flow of the conversation accurate.)
He told me he had recently been admitted to the bar, and that he was working for some firm or another.
Me: What do you do to unwind? Daler: Nothing really – I like keeping busy. And, I just got out of law school. You know how busy law school is. You don’t really have time to just chill. Me: I’m in law school as well – you go crazy if you don’t take time for yourself here and there. Daler: Well, I had friends in school who would chill and stuff… but I didn’t hang out with them. Because you know what hanging out with them leads to?? (He started his neckrolling and counting out on his fingers). It leads to booze… it leads to clubs… it leads to women…
Here I am thinking, “Well then wtf are you doing here, man. Ok so you don’t date, I can respect that. But what you’re making me feel is that you also won’t get down when you’re married except to procreate. Super.” But I just thought it, and there was awkward silence.
I decided to break the silence and ask him about his musical tastes. My tastes are extremely varied and eclectic – I can usually find some way to connect someone based on their taste in music.
Me: So, uh.. Daler, what types of music do you like?
He looked at me very seriously.
Daler: None. Me: ……… uhhh… Daler: I’m much more into spirituality. My family and I listen to kirtan at home and stuff, but these gaaney-shaaney and other nonsense… we don’t ever listen to that. Me: …….ok cool. Daler: So tell me about you.
I proceeded to tell him how I am obsessed with music and how I plan on entering the music industry as an attorney.
He didn’t give me a copy of his biodata as a parting gift. Damn.
Who says “none”?? I still haven’t gotten over that.
I have another story, but it’s not a speeddating one. It involves a guy whose family my parents met on a trip to India. They made me start talking to him online, and I truly believe he’s one of the most boring men in the entire world. I’ll share it after more people share speeddating stories. 😀
I am tempted to go for one now 🙂 Are there any desi speed dating events in the Wash DC area? :))
If nothing else, I will have some stories to tell my grandkids.
Ah come on Fuerza Dulce tell us now you tell these stories so well. That speed date of yours sounded excruciating. They have these Indian speed dating events in London but I would never go, too much pressure, and I friend of mine met a bunny boiler from Croydon at one of them. Plus I can only relax enough to be charming to ladies after a few glasses of wine and then I run the risk of accidentally looking at their cleavage or something for a split second too long. It would be a disaster.
This is true; there were definitely some really genuine, nice guys who were earnestly on a life-partner quest, and we weren’t trying to mess around with those nice guys. (We only mess with the heads of people who deserve it.) As far as tips or such as to how to “succeed” at these events, I have none. After I first posted this story on my blog someone very insightfully pointed out that gals like Natasha and me — and probably most of the ladies reading this — (extremely independent financially and emotionally, liberal and progressive) were really not the intended audience for these sorts of events. I went to make my mother’s “dreams come true” (that’s a verbatim quote from her) and when I reported my findings to her, after she died laughing, she said now that I’d been to one her curiosity was satisfied and I didn’t have to go to anymore. [And why did I stay? I wanted my $107 worth of entertainment, dammit!]
so who is the target audience? 🙂 dependent gals who think inside a box?
…submissive lesbians who are into bondage.. my kind of guls baby… 🙂
Seriously, though, isn’t it great that only ten minutes needed to be wasted on the two fellows (a) who didn’t read or (b) whose musical taste is ‘none’ and any similar horror shows? Imagine spending an entire evening having to keep up the whole game. I know that’s what “dating” is sometimes about, and I’m sure there are a lot of “nice” people out there, but there are certain litmus tests like…. NOT READING… that could probably make one grateful for the speed
datingmeeting experience.Right, suitablegirls from goodfamilies >:D (ducks)
with blended east/west values. (also ducks.)
with blended east/west values. (also ducks.)
and down to earth. (deliberately not ducking)
who is not looking for a shugga daddy.. and has a personality… (ducking…again)
Check out MeraPyar.com. They keep having such events in almost all the major cities.
No ok, all joking aside, if it works for you then awesome. I don’t want to bash people who do this. But that was such a good opening I had to take it 🙂
Honestly, I have no idea what the target audience is. To be frank I can’t imagine anyone getting lucky at one of these things. Have you ever found anyone who’s enjoyed a desi speed-dating exercise and actually managed to fabricate a relationship around an encounter? We should ask them.
Rupa – how about what works for striking up a conversation that isn’t excruciating? I’ve had fascinating conversations with strangers, but I really don’t think that the first 8 minutes of any of them were that interesting.
Or, how’s this — what did you wish they had asked you about? Certainly not the usual, where are you from, what do you do for work, what do you do for fun, right? So what do you wish they had asked?
But that’s just it! NO ONE asked me those questions!! No one asked me ANY questions! Let me give you an example:
This was during the very first round (guys/gals stand in 2 big circles and rotate around each other): R, Dude #1 – shake hands politely R: Hi, I’m Rupa. What’s your name? D#1: I’m Shanmugam. Silence. R: So how are you doing today? D#1: I’m fine. Silence. R: So do you live in Chicago, or are you visiting? I live in the city and my friend and I almost got lost on our way out here! D#1: I flew here from Virginia for this. Silence. R: So what do you do for a living, Shanmugam? And so forth.
I’m no social diva but I’ve had better conversation with people who are intubated and sedated and I’m not even being sarcastic.
OK, so they were huge dorks. But no thoughts about best practices here? I’m hoping to save some people agony tomorrow …
Ennis ~ Ask questions and act interested, but don’t take over the whole conversation – focus on each individual person and try to find out more about them. Of course, answer their questions, but I think showing genuine interest is key. For example, don’t ask ‘what’s your favorite music’, ‘where do you work’, ‘what are your hobbies’, etc. back to back. Ask one and build off of it before moving to the next. But then again, you have 8 minutes and I’ve never done this, so I’m going to back away now and just wish you the best of luck =)
I’m asking as a public service, I mean who would possibly be agonized chatting with me? 😀
I do find it fascinating though …
I think unless you have some really awesome story about how you were just on safari in Kenya, it’s best to start with smalltalk. The weather’s always good. Everyone has a cute story about how the weather affected their day. The #1, unquestionable, single most important thing is that when you ask some one questions and let them do all the talking, they’re left with the impression that the conversation went really well (I learned that from my residency interviews! I was always more than happy to let people blather on about their research while I just sat there looking very engaged, with a big smile nodding happily and offering appropriate interjections, “Wow!” “That’s unbelievable!” “What an incredible accomplishment!” and laughing politely at their jokes). And most people love to talk about themselves (look at how many of us have blogs!). It’s all very easy 🙂
Aye, Bloggers are self centered Ba****ds 😀
There’s no set way to engage in such a conversation – you kind of have to feel it out. But it’s good to remember that it’s not just about how you ask, it’s also about how you answer. (ie Rupa’s conversation above or Daler who completely dismissed all music as nonsense without caring about what my opinion might be)
Ha. That’s optimistic. I do have a list of witty, quirky questions and responses that i have been practicing with my friends today. Yes, I have to PRACTICE being witty. I will have two minutes, 20 guys non-desi, graduate dating experience. My favorite now is, “Are you allergic to cats? Cuz I have 7 cats at my apartment.” (seriously, who likes a cat lady…?) Or, if I am genuinely interested, “So, where were you Nov. 2 2004?”
For the record – I went to the MeraPyaar event last month. It wasn’t half bad, but that’s only cuz I got some girl’s number when I was in the girls bathroom. It was entirely unsuccessful to meet someone of the opposite sex. They were all dentist/doctors who drove to up to LA from the OC.
I’ve never been to a speed-dating event but I’d like to try. I’m REALLY good at making stuff up on the fly. Hmmm, maybe I’ll get some girl’s number in the bathroom like Taz did.
Taz, you inspired me.
Seriously, I am not able to fathom the idea that all the guys who go to these events would be so tongue-tied or be devoid of amiable personality. If that is the case, the girls who’d go there also should be similar. Since that isnt the case, it might need a different level of tolerance in these situations.
I’ve never done it, but will try it soon at a non-desi event. Being the fob that I am, I might find that easier 🙂
I have been Speed dating twice and they have both been memorable to say the least. For me it was a spontaneous and out of the blue however I had so much fun that I had to try it again. After speed dating you usually avoid all the people you meet. Actually one of the guys I talked to lived in my building and the other one was one of my friend’s brothers. It was so awkward.
The most interesting conversations I have had are:
Me: so whats your major guy: lets not do this major crap, tell me what type of wild animal would u describe urself as I was so shocked that he even asked that question Me: after a long pause peacock thinking: OH my god hes gonna make that perverted why did i say that guy: I would think u would pick Lion
This year I went and there were mostly freshman at speeddating who looked very young and it was the 20th guy I had dated that evening
Me:…knowing the conversation wasn’t going anywhere I asked him what type of wild animal he was guy: dolphin me: thats not interesting guy: let me finish; dolphins are the only mammals who have pleasure in sex Me: ohhhh, well u should have pick lemmings and hyenas After that he was shocked and we had an ecology lesson for 3 minutes on the sexual anatomy of alpha female hyenas and how lemmings are the “penetrating ones” *even the group next to us got into a conversation in which for a second the guys thought we were neglecting them and having our own date
An experience I will never forget
Katie, Neither will we. Thanks for sharing. I am still cracking up….
Taz – how was it? Tell us all!
Yes Taz, please do tell. Just dont tell about the guys who you kissed :))
I had a blast- but that’s because I really enjoy the improv aspect to two minute conversations. Of course, I met no one special, but I was throwing pencils, laughing till I teared, and overall just lying my ass off.
No particular stories- but I started every interaction by informing my date that I was getting my Masters in Pole Dancing. It led to some VERY interesting conversations. Either they were stunned silent or they played along. And if I was getting pseudo-serious I asked “Hilary or Obama?” or “How are you going to Save the World?” And in the end- instead of picking my favorites, I threw in the entire list of all 20 guys I had met. I know it kind of defeats the whole process to speed dating anonymous contacting, but, what the hell, why not? right?
I would totally do it again. But I don’t think I’d actually meet anyone, but just to have some interesting 2 minute sarcastic conversations.
LMAO Taz – a Masters in pole dancing is just inspired! Did any of them get the joke>
🙂 Master’s in pole dancing is awesome.
Let’s see how many guys also wanted to be in your good books – and lets see how many of them seriously hoped that you are a MPD ;-))
Taz: Nicely done!! I love it 🙂 If you and I ever got together we could do some real damage at these things!!
you know, a friend of mine is getting her phD in dating rituals.. no joke…pretty funny stories she has to share.
taz: kudos…you and rupa would have a hell of a time together!
Hey everyone I was just reading where you guys are all from??? I’m from the Ny area and find it hard to meet punjabi sikh guys my age. I don’t hear about any Sikh speed dating or any events of that sort… I have plent of stories from dates from meeting people of the normal shaadi.com sites! Sick of those.. Need to try a different approach. Any ideas or help?!?!